17x09 - Titties and Dragons

[bunniefuu]

Soon, we will be fighting
the greatest battle

of our young, hot lives...

Black Friday.

Everyone who wants to
get PS4s, join with us.

You can't die! Everybody really likes you!

We are not going to be b*at
by that traitor whore Kenny!

Seems a shame that the
fight will be so one-sided.

Go seek out George R.R. Martin for answers.

He's the guy who writes Game of Thrones.

You started as the
Canadian Minister of Health,

and three months later, your
wife queefed in your face.

This is gonna be a bloodbath, Tom.

# Wiener, wiener wiener #

# wiener wiener #

- # wiener, wiener #
- # one wiener #

- # wiener, wiener #
- # next to another #

- # wiener #
- # wiener party #

- # wiener party #
- # two wieners #

# alongside yet another #

# wiener #

- # dangle softly #
- # soft wieners #

- # nice and soft #
- # flopping wieners #

# non-erect wieners #

# flopping wieners, flopping wieners #

#

He did what?

He flew down in a parachute and he what?

Apparently, he stopped Microsoft

from blockading the
shipment of PS4s to the mall.

Looks like he's all over the place

winning the console wars for Sony.

Because what... because he's cute?

Cartman, he's got everyone on Sony's side.

We can't stop him.

But what does he do besides that he's cute?

Sweetie, Bill Gates is
on the phone for you.

Tell Bill Gates to suck my ass, mom!

Mom?

Don't seriously tell
Bill Gates to suck my ass.

Tell him everything's cool and
I'll call him in a little bit.

This would have never
happened if you would have

let Kenny be a princess in the first place.

He's not a princess. He's a dude.

Well, unfortunately for us,
he's now on the other side.

We're out of options.

- So what are you saying, Kyle?
- I have an idea.

I don't like it, but I think
it's the only choice we have.

Tom, Black Friday is finally almost here,

and as you can see behind me,

holiday shoppers are really getting antsy.

People have been waiting out here

since midnight on Thanksgiving.

They're cold, they're starving,

and there's already been a lot of bloodshed

over these holiday deals.

Joining me now is Rick Tellmore

who's been out here for six days,

and your five-year-old son
was eaten, is that correct?

Yes, yes, that's right. We had to eat him.

We're all sort of starving out here,

so we drew straws, and
he drew the shortest one.

What is it you're hoping to get

when Black Friday does finally start?

A blu-ray player.

96% off. It's gonna be about 20 bucks.

Now, some people might say

that eating your child
is not very Christmassy.

What would you say to them?

I...

# Ate my son for a blu-ray player #

# with a ho, ho, ho and
a jingle jingle jingle #

# my son got ate and he tasted good #

# ho, ho, jingle, jingle ho-ho #

No doubt Christmas is alive and well

at the South Park mall. Back to you, Tom.

# ho ho... #

All right, guys, here's the deal.

The main entrance to the
mall is already blocked

by thousands of waiting shoppers

the kids who want Xboxes plan
to flank from the left here.

Our best chance of being first inside

is finding a way to the
mall's back entrance... here.

At Red Robin.

That's right. Red Robin
has doors on the inside

that go right out into the mall.

The key to us being the first ones inside

is taking over the Red Robin
before Black Friday starts.

So how do we take over Red Robin?

I have no idea.

Hey, excuse me.

- Yes?
- The Xbox fighters are here,

and they say they want to switch sides.

What?

Go ahead and tell him, Cartman.

All right.

On behalf of the Xbox fighters of
Zaron, we hereby lay down our arms.

We give up, okay?

- Ha ha.
- Shut up, Craig.

This is very difficult!
You guys win, all right?

We'll all play on PlayStation 4s.

We still think the Xbox
is a superior machine,

but you guys got too
many people on your side,

and then Kenny became a Japanese princess.

Nobody saw that coming.

Look, the truth is

we all have a bigger
problem now, and you know it.

Nobody's going to get anything
if we don't work together

against those thousands of other shoppers.

So better a PS4 than nothing... is that it?

I think we'll take our chances on our own.

We know a way inside the Red Robin.

You don't think you're the
only ones who thought of it.

We were going to use the
Red Robin entrance too,

and we figured out how.

Red Robin can be rented out

for wedding parties.

If we all chip in, we
can pay for the deposit

to have a wedding party there.

Hey, that could work.

Let's do this together, dude.

Our only sh*t

at playing any next gen
console's by teaming up.

If you win a game on a PS4,

then I do too.

And you swear you'll be okay with that?

You won't ever talk about
the Xbox being better again?

I swear, Stan.

All right, guys, looks like
we've got a wedding to plan.

... Console wars.

Xbox... Sony PS4...

Wedding invitation.

Huh? Wedding?

Kenny Kun, please come home at once.

Our two houses have found peace.

Come to the Red Robin wedding,

and we will all accept you
as the princess you are.

Yours truly, the wizard king.

... Kenny Chan!

Princess Kenny... Sayonara!

Princess Kenny...

So Stan, I was hoping I could
talk to you about the wedding.

Yeah, sure, what about it?

I think it's best that when the time comes

for the mall to open you should
stay back a bit from the doors.

- Why?
- Well, think about it.

The first people inside
are gonna have to take on

the brunt of the holiday
shoppers from the main entrance.

It's best we let butters
and Scott Malkinson go first.

While they fight, we can simply slip on by.

Well, yeah, I guess that makes sense,

but butters and Scott won't
be able to get their PS4s.

Yes, that's true, but...

Let's face it, sir Stan.

This is all about you and
me getting PlayStations.

The rest are simply there to help us get...

He's lying to you!

They're just acting like they've given up,

but it's a double-bluff.

Dude! Dude!

They're going to betray you
at the Red Robin wedding.

He got the idea watching Game of Thrones.

Dude, shut the f*ck up!

Who is that?

He's just this old crazy guy

that gets pissed off 'cause
I'm in his garden all the time.

They're going to lock you in!

g*dd*mn it, shut up!

He talked about it in my garden to, like,

three other people.

They're going to lock you in the Red Robin

and then go get all the Xboxes.

That's why he wants you to
stay back from the doors.

Well, why don't you just tell
the whole world everything, huh?

Why don't you tell everyone
what Prometheus was about

while you're at it!

Did Kyle know about this?

Dude, we're not gonna
betray you... Come on.

Did you see Prometheus?

I don't think the writers
even knew what that was about.

Did Kyle know about this?

Kyle thought of it.

Stan! Dude, hold on.

Xbox one is f*cking sweet, dude.

You're a f*cking assh*le! f*ck you!

Get out of my garden.

I'll sh*t in your f*ckin' garden!

Go f*ck yourself!

Well, the wait is over, and
Black Friday's finally here.

Niles Lawton is at the scene,

and it's about time, Niles.

That's right, Tom. Mall officials have said

they are ready, and doors will open

as soon as their guest of honor

cuts the ceremonial red ribbon.

This year's ribbon cutter is,
of course, George R.R. Martin,

who, uh, doesn't appear
to have shown up yet

but says he is on his way.

Just like the dragons
and zombies in his novels,

he is on his way.

Now, just hold on a minute!

I'm pretty darn sure

the fastest way back to
Colorado isn't on horseback.

That may be true, but
horses have one quality

that is unmatched by any
other mode of transition.

What's that?

Okay, cool, can we set up
the two lawn tables here

like facing each other and then another

for the bride and groom back there?

I heard a rumor. May I ask...

Who is it that's getting married?

Tom Hanks and Beyonce.

It's real? It's for real?

Oh, my God, I love them.

Yeah.

So Beyonce's not with Jay Z anymore?

Well, clearly she wouldn't
be marrying Tom Hanks

at Red Robin if she was.

Guys, guys, not those tables.

Get the good tables. This is VIP, okay?

Has anyone heard from
Butters and Scott Malkinson?

- The f*ck are they?
- Cartman, Cartman!

I heard that Stan somehow
found out about our plan.

Yes, he did.

Well, what the hell are you doing?

- This isn't gonna work now!
- Shh, shh, shh.

It's fine, Kyle.

Everything's been taken care of.

Stan won't be telling
anybody anything ever again.

What the hell did you do?

What had to be done

so that we can play our
games on Xboxes, Kyle!

No. Tell me you didn't.

He's not allowed to come out of his room,

so you can talk to him through the door.

- Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.
- And keep it short.

He's in real trouble.

He defecated in a nice old man's garden.

O... okay.

Stan?

Stan? Hello?

Who's that?

Stan, it's me.

Get out of here.

Dude, I know you're pissed at me right now.

You gotta understand that I did it

because I know in my heart

that Xbox is better for all of us.

You completely betrayed

the last bit of friendship we still had.

You weren't playing fair, dude.

Getting your dad to work
part-time in the mall wasn't fair.

I didn't even know he was
working at the mall, Kyle.

You didn't?

But you couldn't just ask me,

because Xbox people

don't care about the truth.

They just care about seamless
multimedia connectivity.

I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry.

The whole w*r has just
got us so screwed up...

I just want us to be playing Call of Duty

on the right machine.

You don't understand.

I'm never playing Call
of Duty with you again.

Stan, don't say that.

Get out of here. I'm done with you.

Mom! Mom!

Get him out of here!

Get him out!

Now listen up.

There are only eight of us now.

Peterson was a great guy,

and he did not deserve
to get beheaded like that.

Now, I don't know about you,

but I'm sick and tired

of getting to know people here,

getting invested in their personalities

and their back stories,
and then having them die.

When those doors open,

we all stick together.

If anyone panics, it puts us all at risk.

Stay tough, rookie.

We're not gonna make it, sir.

We're gonna make it!

You've got a newborn little girl

who needs her daddy to make it.

I'm not going to let you die, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay?

Yes, sir! Yes, sir.

Not one more good person dies on my watch.

Oh, my God, they're
coming in through the roof!

I can't do this. I'm
sorry, I can't do this!

Stay at your post!

No! No!

Everybody really liked him!

No!

Here we go, Tom.

George R.R. Martin has finally arrived

to cut the red ribbon.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor

to be here this morning

on behalf of South Park mall partners

and Channel 9 News,

your go-to source for
news, weather, and sports.

Just do it!

Very well.

In the tradition of our ancestors,

let's ring in the holidays!

But first I'd like to share with you

a few words about my wiener.

Hey, sorry, guys, Red Robin is closed

for a special event today.

Yeah, we know. We're with the wedding.

Oh, great. Go right on in.

Everyone, everyone, a Black Friday toast.

How awesome that we are all friends again.

Our two houses brought together.

Soon we will all have our PlayStation 4s.

And to you, my old friend, Princess Kenny.

You really look stunning.

No doubt the gods have smiled
down upon your perky boobs.

Now if you'll excuse me, my lady,

I need to take a sh*t.

What have you found out?
The mall isn't open yet.

They're waiting for George R.
R. Martin to cut the ribbon.

Okay. That could be a while.

All our men are ready.

When the mall opens, blow the whistle.

We'll rush through the doors

and lock the Sony dorks inside.

All right, now, I really
do need to take a sh*t.

Oh, soft and pink with purple head,

gently, you lay with me on my bed.

Get on with it, George R.R. Martin!

Growl, growl calls the wiener from on high,

a little tiny wiener still
so pleasing to the eye.

Enough with the wieners already!

Yeah, come on!

Clyde?

Where the hell is Clyde? Clyde?

Princess Kenny, I believe it's time

we return the wizard's hospitality.

What the hell is this?

I'm sorry, Cartman.

There's been a little change in plan.

Sir, Kyle, they're about to open the mall.

What are you doing?

I am no longer an Xbox guy.

I let my friend get grounded.

But today I will get him a PlayStation.

Kyle, the PlayStation controller
sucks, and you know it!

The fight is over, Cartman.

It's not over.

Looks like I came just in time.

Oh, Bill Gates, sweet!

In your face, Kyle!

You will not interfere, Bill Gates!

These children will get their PS4s.

Wait a minute.

How the hell did these
two guys end up here?

They're not part of your betrayal?

No. They're not part of your betrayal?

No.

Whose betrayal is this?

We're done with betrayals.

It's time to put an end to this.

Stan?

Sir, sir, operations just
said they need one of us

to unlock the door to Red Robin

to let some wedding party inside the mall.

Screw them, they'll have
to fend for themselves.

Wait,

Red Robin wedding?

Who's getting married?

Tom Hanks and Beyonce.

What?! Oh, my God,

everyone loves Tom Hanks and Beyonce!

I gotta save them!

I appreciate what you're
trying to do, Kyle,

but I have a better idea.

This isn't our w*r, you guys.

It never was.

We've been pitted against
each other by two companies

for the sake of marketing.

That's why they want
lines around the block.

Because they want a w*r
to promote their product.

They don't give a crap what
kind of friendships it costs.

You two want a w*r so bad,
then you f*cking fight.

So...

Then let's finish it, you and me,

right here.

Winner take all.

Oh, dude, this is pretty sweet.

Then let this be your
last fight, Bill Gates.

Hey, fellas, what did I miss?

Look at this wiener.

Judge it by its size.

Rub it three times, and it has a surprise.

That's it, you're not
delaying this anymore,

you wiener-loving bitch!

Happy holidays, Rick.

And to you, my friend.

Grab it, Rebecca, grab it!

Kiss my fat vag*na!

- Give me that camera.
- Give it up!

Get back, get out of my way.

Commander Marsh.

Did you know that your son
is supposed to be grounded

and he snuck out to go to Red Robin?

What? Stan's at the Red Robin wedding too?

Oh, God, I really care about him.

This is over. Now you die!

It's over.

Xbox wins!

Yay, Xbox wins. Yay.

Stan, you're alive!

I saved you!

It's okay, Beyonce, the fight's over.

You can still shop.

Go on, kids.

Go get your Xboxes.

Can Elmo smell your genitals?

Happy holidays, guys. What
can you interest you in?

We'd like to get Xbox ones please.

Good choice.

Tom, the shopping frenzy is over,

and it looks like Microsoft's new Xbox one

is this year's hot item.

No doubt this will secure its place

as the go-to next gen console.

Black Friday is over.

There's been death, v*olence,

horrible human behavior,

and the big winner here
decidedly is Channel 9 News.

The interface is pretty cool.

See, I told you guys it's
really a seamless interface.

Yeah, it is.

The graphics are definitely
10% better than the old Xbox.

Yeah, that... that's pretty nice.

You guys want to play outside or something?

Cartman, your side won, dude.

Why are you so sad?

I just... I can't get
the image of Bill Gates

bashing that guy's head
apart out of my eyes.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Well, look, guys. Xbox won
the console wars, I mean...

What are we going to
do, not play video games?

The last few weeks we've been
too busy to play video games,

and look at what we did.

There's been drama, action, romance.

I mean, honestly, you guys,

do we need video games to play?

- That's right.
- He's trying to make a point.

Maybe we started to rely on
Microsoft and Sony so much

that we forgot that all we need
to play are the simplest things

like... like this! We
can just play with this!

- Screw video games, dude.
- Who f*ckin' needs them?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

f*ck 'em!

The South Park video game,

coming to stores soon.

Yeah, and if you believe that

I got a big, floppy wiener

to dangle in your face.