19x04 - You're Not Yelping

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪

Morning, Randy.

Morning, Ger.

Just another day
in paradise, huh?

Yeah, look at all these
new restaurants

the Whole Foods has brought in.

Let's try out that one there.

Hi.
Two of us, please.

Yeah, sorry, guys.
We got about a 30-minute wait.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Yes, sir. Give me a second.
I'll have a table right away.

Whoa.
What'd you say to him?

I just told him who I am.

Who are you?

I'm a Yelp reviewer.

I usually keep it
on the down-low

so they don't kiss my ass
too much.

Right over here, sir.

All right, guys,
welcome to Vernacular.

Thanks.

Uh, did they mention to you
that I am a Yelper?

Yes, we've been alerted, sir.

Great.

Could you have them turn
the lights up a little, please?

Oh, look at it, Gerald...
all the new families moving in.

Our little town is all grown up.

Where's that other taco plate?
We need it now!

I'm a little overwhelmed.

I know, but we put everything

into moving here
and starting this business,

and we have to be impressive.

David, you must help your mama
however you can.

We're not going back
to that miserable place.

I don't want to go back, either.

Okay, done.
Great!

We really have to impress
this customer.

He's a local food critic.

Another one?

Mmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay, here you go, amigo...

another taco plate
and the taquitos.

Oh, thank you.

And did I mention I am
a food critic for Yelp?

Yes, you mentioned that
several times.

Okay, I just didn't want you
caught off guard.

I was thinking of giving
this place five stars.

Really?

Yeah, but I'm kind of teetering
on five stars or one star.

Oh, no, no.
No one star, please.

What can we do to...

I mean, I could probably
be persuaded

with some free desserts.

Let me get that for you.

Great. And could you turn down
the music a bit?

This pagan sh*t hurts my ears.

Of course.

Oh, hey. Hey, busboy.

Busboy! Busboy!
Por favor!

Busboy!
My name is David.

Excuse me?

I said my name is David.

Uh, it's actually pronounced
"Day-vid," okay?

Well, I'm "Da-veed."

It's David, dude.
Look it up.

What's going on?

Do not argue, son.
We need him.

There you are...
a few free desserts.

Oh, excuse me.
More customers.

Hi.
Two of us for lunch, please.

Yes.
Right away.

Oh, and, uh,
I just wanted to mention

that my wife and I
are Yelp reviewers,

so, uh, your best table, please.

Oh, geez.
You guys, too, huh?

Okay, um, I'll get you set up
right over here, okay?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.
This place seems nice.

I guess we'll see.

I guess we'll see, won't we?

Oh, God.

Now everyone thinks
they're a food critic.

Did you get them? Did you get them?
Did you get them? Huh?

Here you go.

Whoa.

Crispy risotto bites
from Olive Garden.

How do you do it, Eric?

I'm a restaurant critic,
Butters.

I get whatever I want.

Geez.

So, the cafeteria's
back that way,

and most of the classrooms
are this way down the...

Ew! What's the busboy
doing here?

David is new to our school.

Oh, cool.

Are you gonna clean
the tables here, too?

How do you get to school?
Do you ride your tiny bicicleta?

Huh?
Shut up.

Look, amigo, I'm sorry

I only gave your parents'
restaurant two stars,

but it could've been worse.

Why'd you only give them
two stars?

I'm sorry, but the food
totally messed my stomach up.

The morning after I ate it,
I went to the bathroom,

and my poop was all solid...
like, no water at all.

It's not supposed
to have water, you...

It was like this one,
solid piece

that I had to push
out my assh*le.

It was like being r*ped
from the inside.

Your parents' restaurant

just wasn't up to my standards,
"Day-vid."

"Da-veed."
"Day-vid."

"Da-veed."

"Day-vid."
"Da-veed."

"Day-vid." "Day-vid."
"Day-vid." "Day-vid."

I can update this to a one-star
review in two seconds, dude.

Oh, God, I love being
a restaurant critic.

And yet, there was more.

For in this crisp time
when autumn begins to fade,

the chef brines chicken
in habañero

and even adds habañero powder
to the crust.

But the heat is restrained.

You experience the fruity,
delicious flavor of this

without any spicy pain.

I don't need anymore pain.

Hell, does anyone?

Gerald, we're going to the park.

You want to come along?

Sorry, honey.

This review for Applebee's
has turned into a 50-pager.

Then I have a polish
on Ruby Tuesday's.

Why don't you take a break
from Yelping, Gerald?

You seem a little overwhelmed.

I am overwhelmed.

Sometimes, I don't know
what I've gotten myself into.

But now everyone relies
on my Yelp reviews,

and I-I don't want
to let anyone down.

Well, there's chicken in
the fridge if you get hungry.

Thanks, but I-I got Yelp a new
place in Shi Tpa Town tonight.

God, I'm so damn tired.

Okay, have fun.

Ha.
"Fun," she says.

In finality, I would say

my experience at Applebee's
was sublime

and my treatment near that of
a gladiator most decorated.

But the street parking
wasn't that great.

Two-and-a-half stars.

Yes.

Come on, Liza.

I'll introduce you to the girls.

Well, aren't you
eating lunch, Eric?

I am a food critic,
Butters, okay?

I can't just eat cafeteria food.

Okay, here you are, sir!

There's orange peel chicken,

some city beef,
and a city egg roll!

Are you joking?

Well, you are a little late.

Like, I don't know,
maybe only-one-star late.

Oh, no.
No one star, please.

You Yelpers are k*lling me.

Okay, you no pay.
You no pay. Please.

Sounds good.
Now get the f*ck out of here.

Yes, yes!

I'll get the f*ck out!
Thank you!

Wow. Well, you're pretty
important, Eric.

He's not important at all.

Yeah, no.

No, no, you're right, Kyle.
I'm not important.

Oh, hey, David,
I was just wondering.

Um, how do you get to school?

Do you ride
your tiny bicicleta? Eh?

- Stop it.
- What?

I just want to hear him say,

"Si, me ride me tiny bicicleta
to school."

Si, me ride me tiny
bicicleta to school.

That's awesome.

I'm gonna go out to recess.

Will you bus this for me,
David? Thanks.

Ah, don't.
Dude... Dude, don't.

Sir, it's midnight.

Go home.
Get some sleep.

There's no time to sleep when
the city's counting on me.

More Yelp reviews, sir?

I had a bad experience
at Red Lobster,

and if the people don't
know about it, they could, too.

Folks deserve to know
where to eat, Mitch.

But does anyone
even thank you for it?

I don't need them to.

I know they need me,
and that's enough.

God bless you, sir.

I know.

Welcome to Whistlin' Willy's.

Y'all enjoying your pizza?

Look here, my good man.

We've been waiting
over 15 minutes

for you to sing
"Happy Birthday" to our son.

Unfortunately for you,

we are both restaurant critics,
and so is our son.

One star.

Excuse me! Emergency!
Over here! Emergency!

I would like a table
inside the area

with all the little
plastic balls, please.

And make it snappy.
I am a food critic for Yelp.

That does it!
I've had enough!

All you Yelp reviewers
get the hell out of here!

I don't care what happens
to my business!

I ain't kissing your asses
no more!

Go on.

Every Yelper,
get the f*ck out of here!

Careful now, Bill.

You don't want
a one-star review.

You're not a food critic,
Dennis!

You're a f*ckin' mechanic!

Now get the f*ck out!
Go on!

All you Yelping sons of b*tches
get the f*ck out of here!

You're gonna regret this,
Whistlin' Willy.

You can't treat Yelpers
this way.

You get the...
get the f*ck out!

Ow!

Well, good for you.

You, too, you son of a bitch.

Whoa! Hey!

It's over! It's over!

You see paper?!
It's over!

Whistlin' Willy!
He stand up to the Yelpers!

We don't have to kiss
their asses anymore!

Look!
Everybody doing the same!

It's over! It's over!

Hey, Skeeter, you hear the news?

It's a miracle.

It's a miracle!

What the f*ck?

Uh, dude, somebody spilled sh*t
on the floor.

Hey, David,
somebody spilled something here.

Could you clean this up,
por favor?

David?

Over here.
There's some sh*t on the floor.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's going on, man?

You haven't heard?

Nobody gives a f*ck what
Yelp reviewers think anymore.

What are you talking about?

I'm the most influential critic
in this town.

Okay, David, forget the spill.

Just give me one little,
"My name is David.

Me ride me bicicleta
to school."

My name is "Da-veed."

Ha!

Okay, I'm...
I'm updating my review.

I'm about to do it.

You better say,
"I ride me bicicleta to school!"

One star.

No... no stars?

No stars?

You can't just treat me
like I'm nothing.

I still know
I'm worth something.

Come on, guys.

Oh, yeah.
Y-you guys stay at school.

That's cool.
Y-you guys stay here.

Oh, hey, Eric.

It's all over, Butters.

Everything I've worked
so hard to achieve.

All these hack wannabe
food critics

have made my profession a joke.

Aw, I'm sorry, bud.

All these people
trying to be like me,

and they don't even write about
poop consistency the next day.

Well, Eric, you should be proud
that people want to be like you.

I mean, you really
started something.

I guess.

Well if these people
look up to you,

maybe... maybe you can sort of
set the record straight

and show them the way
it's supposed to be done.

You're right, Butters.

Maybe I can actually use
all these people somehow

to make real food critics
respected again.

Harrison Yates,
what's gotten into you?

That's it, Maggie.
I'm hanging it up.

If people are gonna be trying
all the new restaurants in town,

they'll have to do it
without my reviews.

What are you talking about?

You said that protecting people
from bad dining experiences

was what kept you going.

The restaurants put up signs
saying I can't come in.

I don't know why
they singled me out,

but it's like people
don't need me.

Well, I'll be damned.

What is it?

Somebody's put a note
in the mailbox

asking me to come
and talk to them.

They do need me.

I need to get going.

You want me to come along?

No. They're just
asking for me.

I guess maybe I do have
a town to protect.

Oh, are you having
a party, sweetheart?

Not a party, mom.

I've invited all
the poser food critics

over for a meeting.

Oh, how fun.

It's not fun.
It's serious.

These people think
they can do what I do,

but they need to be made
to understand the reality.

When the Yelpers get here,
I need you to get lost, okay?

Okay, that's them,
that's them. Go!

Get lost, mom!

Hello! Hi!

My name is.

I'm here for the meeting.

Is this the right place?

Mom!

I'm going, honey.

Mom, there's like
a billion people here!

Oh, yes, sweetie.

I think quite a few people
are Yelp reviewers.

Oh, this many people
have nothing better to do

than write reviews on Yelp?

I guess so, honey.
Do you need more lemonade?

Mom, there's a f*cking
billion people here.

Uh, thank you all for coming.

My name is Eric,
and as you know,

us Yelpers are being
scrutinized.

Can't you
speak a little louder?!

Yes, us Yelp critics
are being scrutinized!

That's right!
Yeah!

Now, you see the problem is that
when there's too many reviewers,

people no longer know
who is the real food critic.

It's great that you all
want to be critics,

but we all know who the real
food analyst of the town is.

That's right!

Yeah!

Ha. Oh, thanks.

Okay, so, as long as there
is one clear leader,

then the rest of you
can just follow.

And with this many people
all following one captain,

we can fight to get
our power back!

Poweeeer back!

So now rise up,
and fight for your leader!

Fight together,

and show the restaurants that
our food critic does matter!

Yeah, let's go!

All right, follow me!

This way, everyone!

Another local business
is closing its doors tonight

after being taken down
by Yelp reviewers.

Whistlin' Willy's,
a child favorite in town,

was destroyed and its owner
stripped and beheaded.

The following video is graphic.

No, please!
No, no, no, no, no!

Aww!

♪ Said leave this one alone ♪

♪ She could tell right away ♪

♪ That I was bad to the bone ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bad ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bad ♪

We all loved Whistlin' Willy's.

It didn't do well with Yelpers.

You assholes destroyed
the best place in town

because they wouldn't
kiss your asses!

Oh, come on, admit it.
The food sucked.

Nobody went for
the f*cking food!

Look, I'm sorry guys,

but Whistlin' Willy failed
to recognize the influence

someone like me
has on their business.

Now I just have one question
for you, David.

Do you ride

your teeny, tiny bicicleta
to school?

Sí. Me ride mi teeny
bicicleta to school.

You're done.

Yeah, I'm done!

I'm now the leader
of thousands of people!

They all hang on my every word,

and I'm gonna use my power
to finally get

what this town really needs.

♪♪

I found the waitstaff
at Red Lobster to be rude

and barely even acknowledging
who I was

or what I meant to this city.

Gerald, I'm taking Ike
to clown school.

You care to join us?

I can't, honey.

I'm now the leader
of thousands of people.

They all hang on my every word.

And I'm going to use my power

to finally get what this town
really needs.

♪♪

♪♪

For the fifth day in a row,

historic Shi Tpa Town is
under siege by Yelp reviewers.

The restaurants are still
refusing to be intimidated,

and the Yelp reviewers are...

...and the Yelp reviewers
are preparing for all-out w*r.

The angry Yelp reviewers
are demanding special treatment

at all city restaurants.

They claim that
as local food critics,

they deserve respect and that
all who oppose them will suffer.

The online restaurant critics
are getting ready

to bring businesses
to their knees,

and some are already
closing their doors.

One local restaurant worker
actually called out

the Yelp critics' leader!

I guess you win, huh, big sh*t?

If you really are
any kind of important anybody,

then get your bullshit
food-critic ass

to the south of town
and face me,

because you aren't
a food critic,

and you aren't important!

And unless you're chicken,
I'll see you south of town.

Where you going, sir?

You heard him.

Little Mexican kid
called me out.

He wants to fight me,
that's fine.

You need backup, sir?

No. He's just
calling me out.

God bless you, sir...

I know!

David! Dude, wait!

Dude, you don't wanna do this.

You don't know what
Cartman's capable of.

Where I come from, we settle
things with our fists.

But this isn't Mexico.

I'm not from Mexico, dude!

I'm from Idaho!

I'm gonna show this prick
how we do things in Boise.

Oh, hello, David!

All right, you've got your army.

You've got your followers.

If you're such a great leader,

then just tell the city
what you want, fat ass!

Don't call me fat, son.

I'm doing this because
they've...

What I want is to be able
to lead these fine people

with the respect
and the dignity...

I didn't ask to be the leader.
I was appointed!

You see, I'm extremely important
to this town,

and I'm not going to be...

My journey as this
town's food...

You've made these people
feel unwanted,

and now they look to me
for answers.

Now here I stand,
vulnerable, afraid,

and yet willing to do
what the people of this...

And so we said to hell with it!

And we took the challenge to
go from the town's food critics

to the town's spiritual leaders.

What do we want?

People would say,
"Oh, you're just a food blogger.

You're just a tiny voice
in the crowd."

Well, now my voice is heard,
and I will...

...wanted special privileges,

but these people think
I should have them.

Right, guys?

Maybe I don't deserve
special treatment,

but how else can I be
the elite food critic they want?

Every person here thinks
this is about them.

I think I know what to do.

Yeah. Me, too.

And for all your service
to this community,

we want to once and for all
declare you

our most elite food critic.

To distinguish you, we present
to you the golden badge.

Wearing this badge means
you will always get

the special treatment
that you deserve.

Thank you, Mayor.

It's a big responsibility,
but I suppose I have to accept.

I will do my best
to serve this town.

We know you will.

Okay, bring in the next one.

Mr. Davis, you have proven
yourself a leader.

And for all your service
to this community,

we want to once and for all
declare you

our most elite food critic.

To distinguish you,
we present the golden badge.

Wow!

Wearing this badge

means you will always get

the special treatment
you deserve.

All right, we got
all the restaurants

to agree to let the Yelpers in
and to make them feel special.

How did you do it, son?

Ah, yes.
The steak, please.

I'm the, uh, Yelp elite.

All right, we got a Yelper.
Give it that special attention.

You got it!

♪ So you're one of Yelper's
special blessed ♪

♪ You demand a restaurant's
very best ♪

♪ Well, they're gonna
treat you special ♪

♪ I'm telling you, chum ♪

♪ Now get yourself ready
for some boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪
♪ That's
called a Yelper special! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪
♪ Say,
what's that on your pretzel? ♪

♪ Your online critiques
are real useful to some ♪

♪ Now have a good time eating
boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪
♪ Someone farted on your salad ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪
♪ But your
decor critiques are valid ♪

♪ You think you're special,
like you're A number one ♪

♪ Well, there's a whole lot of
special in boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪
♪ How about
some feces with your flounder? ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪
♪ You like
that queefy quarter-pounder? ♪

What's that spice that feels
tangy on my tongue?

Oh, that's a yuzu pepper...

along with
some boogers and cum.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you, David.
That's good service.

I will bring you food
every day, my friend.

Hmm, is that
a jalapeño cream sauce?

Yes. My father made it
just for you.

Hmm.
It's tart, but savory.

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪
♪ Bein' a food critic's easy! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪
♪ Oh,
you feel a little queasy? ♪

♪ Do you need a diagnosis?
Well, the doctor's got one ♪

Your stomach seems to be
filled with boogers and cum.

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪
♪ Piss in your potatoes! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪

♪ Boogers and cum! ♪
♪ Some
guy sh*t on your tomatoes ♪

♪ All right, fancy food critic,
looks like you've won ♪

♪ Now please enjoy all the ♪

♪ Bo-o-o-o-gers ♪

♪ Bo-o-o-o-gers ♪

♪ And cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum! ♪

Da-vid.

Dav-id.

Da-vid.

Dav-id.

Da-viiid.

Dav-id, Dav-id,
Dav-id, Dav-id!

I can update this
to a one-star review

in two seconds, dude.

Oh, God, I love being
a restaurant critic.