19x09 - Truth and Advertising

[bunniefuu]

♫ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♫

♫ Friendly faces everywhere ♫

♫ Humble folks
without temptation ♫

♫ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♫

♫ Ample parking day or night ♫

♫ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♫

♫ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♫

♫ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♫

♫ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♫

All right, guys.

Now let's go back and talk about
infinitives.

Remember -- Those are verbs
combined with the word "to."

[ Whispering ]
Oh, my f*cking God.
Now, usually, an infinitive
acts like a noun,

as in
"I want to go out to eat,"

or "I hope
to be chosen today."

[ Whispering ] What?!

I'm so bored, dude.
Now, usually, it isn't common

to split "to" and the verb,
but sometimes you can.

[ Normal voice ]
Knock it off!

Is there a problem,
guys?

Go get my pen,
fat ass!

I'm am not
your sl*ve, Kyle.

Go get my pen!

MR. MACKEY:
Attention, students.

Kyle Broflovski, report to
the principal's office, please.

[ Laughs ] PC Principal
wants to see you, Kyle!

Kyle Broflovski to
the principal's office. M'kay?

God damn it.

Have fun, dude.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Oh, Kyle, [chuckles nervously]
uh, thank you for coming.

Where's PC Principal?

I think he's
finally lost it, Kyle.

He and his PC buddies are
on a hunger strike.

They're calling
for people's resignations!

Kyle, PC Principal had problems
with Jimmy and with Leslie,

and now they're missing.
M'kay?

Nobody knows
where they are.

That's what happens.

You go against PC,
and you just end up missing.

[ Shuddering ] M'kay.

What are you talking about?

PC Principal had issues
with them, m'kay?

and he had issues
with you, Kyle.

Whatever's going on...
it's pretty damn scary.

[ Whirring ]

JIMMY: For years, mankind has
tried to rid the world of ads.

For our ancestors,
ads couldn't be avoided.

But everyone knew what was an ad
and what wasn't.

After many years,
mankind invented cable,

a way to pay for television
so there would be no ads.

But somehow,
the ads still found a way.

And so mankind invented TiVo,
a way to skip past commercials.

[ Pop ]

Finally, it appeared
to be the end of ads.

And everywhere, people rejoiced.

The ads were stopped.
Or so it seemed...

With the rise of the Internet,
suddenly the ads had

an en-entirely new way
to att*ck us --

Pop-ups.

The top scientific minds
were brought together

to find a way to stop the ads
once and for all.

They invented the ad blocker.

Suddenly, there were no ads
on phones, on computers.

And everywhere, people rejoiced.

But the ads adapted.
They became s-smarter.

They disguised themselves
as news.

All around the world,
people read news stories

completely unaware
they were reading ads.

And now, the ads have taken the
next step in their evolution.

They have taken human form.

Ads are among us.

They could be your friend,
your g-gardener.

The ads are trying
to wipe us out.

The question is how?

So, um...[clears throat]
South Park kind of sucks now.

You guys want to bail?

What?!

What are you
talking about?

It's just, you know, used to be
nice and laid back here,

but now it's all "ngh,"
you know?

Like -- Like now everybody's
all, "ngh-ngh."

Let's bail.
You want to bail, Stan?

No, I don't.

What's going on,
Randy?

Nothing! I just -- You know,
we don't have to live here.

We could live anywhere!

Last month,
all you could talk about

was how great
this town had become.

What changed your mind?

We can't afford it.

We can't afford it?

All these fancy
new restaurants and shops

and everyone
wants to live here.

A bowl of City Beef costs
10 bucks now, for Christ's sake.

And there's nowhere to shop
but stupid Whole Foods.

Well, we'll just have to stop
going to those places.

I had to take out
a second mortgage on the house.

You what?!

I had to Sharon!
It isn't my fault!

It's the man!
Don't you see?

The man is pricing us
out of our own town.

It's just my luck.

I talk to a nice girl,
seem to hit it off,

and she turns out
to just be an ad.

Well, that's what an ad does.

She was designed
to entice and manipulate.

This is such a fantastic story
for the school newspaper.

Why don't we just run it so that
everybody knows the truth?

Jimmy,
we're newsmen like you.

For decades, we used
our soft, buttery voices

to inform the people
about what's happening.

Then we watched
as our entire industry

was taken over by the ads.

Some of our colleagues
were manipulated

into doing the ads' bidding.

The man who came to your house
with a g*n was one of them.

Our own Kevin Jarvis has more.

Thanks, Tom. Jimmy,
the man who tried to k*ll you

was a Brian Bouyant of WXNR,
Fort Collins.

When he saw there was
no money in news anymore,

he sided with the ads
even though he knew

it meant the destruction
of our species.

Back to you, Tom.
Thanks, Kevin.

The only hope for the truth
to get out there, Jimmy,

is for you see through
this ad's deception

and to find out
what they're planning.

Your Super School News
was a thr*at to them,

but unless you get
this little bitch to talk,

we may never know why.

Dude, Kyle!

Will you look at this?

KYLE:
"Principal sends two favorite
students on a Disney Cruise.

This week students
Jimmy Valmer and Leslie Meyers

are being treated
to an all-expenses-paid vacation

for their outstanding school" --
What the hell is this?

It doesn't make
any sense, dude.

PC Principal is using the school
paper to cover something up.

Yeah, I...I don't want
to get involved.

You don't want to get involved?
Dude, what's wrong with you?

I've already learned you can't
win against PC Principal.

You should know,
of all people,

since he's converted
your dad.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Fellas, we found out
what happened to Jimmy!

He got to go on a vacation
for being an exemplary student.

That is not
what happened.

Something is
very wrong here.

We all have to stand up
to PC Principal together.

Yeah, and wasn't
Jimmy the one

in charge of
the school newspaper?

So who's
putting this out?

I like the school paper.

I like to type with my hands.

Who told you
that the principal sent Jimmy

on a Disney Cruise?

Uhhhhh...

Uhhhhh...

Uh, don't remember.

You have quotes in here
from Jimmy.

Did you talk to him?

Uhhhhh...

Uhhhhh...
I like the school paper.

Come on.
We'll get to the bottom of this.

Did I do good, computer?

I think the sponsored content
fooled them.

I hope I made you happy.

Can you see me, computer?

Do you know what I'm thinking
right now?

[ Pop ]

Ahh, thanks, computer.

We have to make sure
nobody recognizes us.

There's no telling
who works for who.

Here, Caitlyn, I got you
this fake mustache to put on.

I'm not putting on a mustache.
I'll look silly.

Oh, that --
that's where you draw the line,

huh, Caitlyn?
Don't be an assh*le.

[ Sarcastically ]
No, you're right. That's nuts.

A woman
wearing a mustache --

That's just ridiculous,
huh, Cait--

All right, all right.
I'll put it on.

f*ck.
No, no, please, Cait.

Don't put on a fake mustache.
That's crazy.

You don't want people thinking
you're a weirdo.

I mean, geez.

[ Chuckling ]
You're such an assh*le.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

What the hell is this?

What have they done
to my town?!

Keep your voice down!

Since when do we have
a flippin' Whole Foods?!

Everything's changed.

Hi, there.
You got a minute for gay rights?

Gay rights?!
Geez, you already got all those.

What the hell
do you want to do now?

All right.
Your total is $126.39.

And would you like to give
a dollar to help hungry children

get iPads to protect
your Internet safe space today?

I will.

What the Sam hell
is going on?

Why would anyone think that I'm
on the principal's side?

I hate the principal.
I think he's a d*ck.

So, you don't know anything
about the principal

that might be newsworthy?

Super School News-worthy?

Just that he hated me
and called me a blabbermouth.

I don't think
I'm a blabbermouth.

I just like
talking to people.

[ Clears throat ] Leslie,
what kind of plans do you have?

Do you have any plans?

What kind of plans?

Just, you know, plans.

Like, what are you hoping
to...accomplish?

I don't know.
What are your plans?

Well, I want
to pursue careers

in both news reporting
and comedy.

[ Chuckles ] Really?
That's...different.

Yeah, you're pretty different
yourself, Leslie.

How so?

I'm starting to think that maybe
all ads aren't so bad.

Jimmy, you're thinking
with your d*ck.

I am not thinking
with my d*ck.
Yes, you are.

No, I just think
that she's a --
Put your d*ck away.

She's an emotional, interesting,
caring girl.
Jim. Jimmy.

That's your d*ck talking.

Believe me.
I know how you feel.

Ads promise us things.

Ads are perfect.

But make no mistake --
All ads lie.

And all ads deceive.

There -- Leslie's Instagram
and her Twitter.

Last entry was
10 days ago.

What about Jimmy's?

Jimmy never used
that stuff, remember?

He said he hated
using the Internet.

How do you hate the Internet?
That's like hating titties.

What are you doing now?

I'm just looking
for any news articles

or anything
about PC Principal.

[ Computer whirring ]

[ Muffled ] Where did you say
PC Principal was from?

I think
it was Vermont.

Maybe there's something
from the news in Vermont

that can give us
a clue about --

God damn it.
What the hell is this?

That's an ad for skiing
in Vermont.

That looks fun!

Dude!
Dude, look at this.

How PC culture
is changing Vermont

from a state
of intolerance to a --

Dude,
there it is again!

KENNY: Mrph?
It's that g*dd*mn guitar!

This ad is
f*cking following me!

Just click out of it.
I'm trying!

God damn it.
Get over here!

That's a pretty
sweet-looking guitar.

It is pretty cool, dude.
It tunes itself.

How does it do that?

It's this company
that does

all kinds of
high-tech instruments.

See, look, I'll show you.

Oh, that's sweet.

Send me the link to this
so I can --

Oh, dude, that new
"Frankenstein" movie's out.

I totally
want to see that.

That movie's
gonna suck, dude.

Hit the arrow. I want to see
where it's playing.

Oh, sorry.
Wrong arrow button.

Wow! What kind of
ice cream is that?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, yeah. So --
So, Clyde says to Token,

"Why don't you open
a bank account with your mouth

so I can deposit
my d*ck in it?"

[ Laughter ]

So then
what did Token say?

Token was all like --

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
whoa, whoa.

What the hell
are we doing?

Eating ice cream,
dipshit.

But what about Jimmy?
We were, like,

totally trying to find out
what happened to him.

Whoa.

What the hell
just happened?

We got distracted!

We got to get back
to that computer!

Now, this here is
a dry Riesling.

You're gonna experience
vanilla after tones

and a nutty finish.

You mean like someone
put their balls in the glass?

Nah, like chestnuts,
damn it.

I just can't keep up
with this town no more.

Everything's gettin'
all nice and fancy.

I swear I'm gonna
need to get a second mortgage

on the ranch
just to pay my daily expenses.

Don't you get it?

That's just what they want.

Nobody cares about the people
who lived here before.

They want us to move

'cause then they want
to knock our houses down

and build more lofts and villas.

All right, Randy,
you should probably lay off

the ol'
vine Chatuenuf de Pape.

You'll all see.

Pretty soon, everyone
who used to live here

is gonna have to move,

and we'll all be shopping
at the Safeway again.

♫ [ Soft Music ] ♫

♫ Where has my town gone? ♫

♫ Where has my -- ♫

Oof!

You like apples?

[ Groans ]

How you like them apples?

Hey, it's Caitlyn Jenner!

Check his ass!

[ Muffled ]
Principal Victoria?

He's one of them.
One of what?

Caitlyn.

[ Groans ]

JIMMY: Okay, Leslie,
let's try a different approach.

Let's say you wanted
to destroy an entire species.

How would you
go about it?

Why would I want to destroy
an entire species?

You have the wrong idea
about me, Jimmy.

The person trying
to change things

and make everything terrible
is the new principal.

And what is the new Principal
trying to do, Leslie?

He's trying to make sure
people like you and me

aren't allowed to exist.

I know that
you're trying to help.

I know that the newsmen in there
are trying to help, too.

But now I'm going to tell you
something very important, Jimmy.

♪ Like a rock! ♪

♪ I drive a Chevy, I'm a cowboy,
and I drive it like a rock! ♪

What the hell is that?

Tom, it looks like
a pop-up ad.

How did an ad
get in here?

Let's go to David
at the network hub.

No answers here, Tom.

We're trying
to correct the problem.

You have to get me
out of here, Jimmy.

They're going to k*ll me.
What?

Listen to me carefully,
and don't look at the glass.

I feel something for you
I have never felt before.

I think it's trust.

The men in there
are sick with hatred,

and as soon as they realize
I have no information,

they are going to burn me.
I've seen them do it to others.

Please, you have to
help me, Jimmy.

Don't let them hurt me.
Please don't abandon me.

When the lights go back on,
just look at me and smile.

David, any word
on the pop-up ad situation?

Tom, we've just about
got it fixed.

Should be ready now.

And that's really it,
Jimmy.

I want to help all of you
however I can.

[ Laughter ]

So, then Token tells Clyde
that if his mouth was a bank,

Clyde's mom would have already
deposited her d*ck in it,

which is hilarious
because Clyde's mom is dead!

[ Laughter ]

Wait, wait, wait,
whoa, whoa.

What the hell
are we doing?

We're trying on shoes and eating
chicken nuggets, stupid.

What do you think?

No. That's not
what we set out to do.

We were --
We were on Cartman's computer,

looking up news stories
about PC Principal.

Didn't we finish
doing that?

No, we didn't.

It's like someone's
trying to distract us because

they're worried what
we'll uncover about PC people.

Yeah, like one of us
is purposely trying to keep us

from digging too deep
because they're afraid.

Why are you
looking at me?

Why are you
looking at me?

Why isn't anyone
looking at me?

[ Spits, groans ]

Hey f*ck you.

Wake up, dickhead.

Garrison, what the hell
is wrong with you?

I'll tell you
what's wrong with me.

There's enemies to humanity
out there,

wanting to put an end
to all of us,

and there's assholes like you
helping them out!

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Whose idea was it to revitalize
the shitty part of town

into an arts-and-foods district
called ShiTpaTown?

All right,
it was kind of my idea.

Son of a bitch.

What, to take one area of town
that was crappy

and gentrify it
for the local people to enjoy?

I thought
we could keep it contained!

It doesn't contain.

What's happened to South Park
is happening everywhere.

30 miles south of here
in the town of Fairplay,

they've changed an area
north of downtown into NODOFOPA.

A run-down area south
of the capital in Cheyenne,

Wyoming,
is now historic SOCACHEYWO.

Channel Street
in mid-Chicago

is being revitalized
into Chimichanga.

Oh, my God.

LODO, SOBRO, RIVMO --
all happening at the same time.

And it isn't
just in the U.S.

In Cairo, the area northwest
of the third pyramid is NoWE3Pi.

Three miles north of Auschwitz
is NoMoAuchie.

It goes on and on!

What does it mean?

In our town, it all started
when PC Principal arrived.

He's part
of a much larger conspiracy,

and you're his lackey.

Not me.

If PC Principal has been
using us,

I'll take the bastard down
myself.

It's day two
of the hunger strike

started by the college-aged
fraternity brothers

who are demanding
that all of South Park's

community leaders step down.

The PC frat brothers say
they've gone now two days

without eating any p*ssy

and will continue to do so
until people resign.

Who is that reporter?
Do we...know him?

Tom, that's
Bill Keegan, WCFO.

Thanks, Brian. He's working
for the ads, obviously.

Sellout douchebag.

That's right, Tom.

He was always a douchebag
at the conventions.

Thanks, Rick. Stay dry.

[ Lock rattling ]

Leslie, come on.

Jimmy,
you're gonna help me?

Yeah, I'm gonna help you.
I mean, come on.

TOM: Jimmy!

Oh, Jesus,
he let her out!

PC Principal is our enemy,
not her.

His d*ck is compromised.
Stay back!

It is not my d*ck.

I'm thinking rationally
and with logic.

I am taking her
out of here.

Well, then, I'm sorry
I have to do this, Jimmy.

Officer Barbrady, we need you
to sh**t these kids.

What?!

The ad has gotten to him.
There's no time to argue.

I'm not sh**ting
any more kids!

Do you want
to save your town?!

Officer Barbrady,
we have to stop PC Principal

before it's too late!

Barbrady,
sh**t them in their heads!

No! I'm not sh**ting
any more people --

not for you,
not for anybody!

You're making the worst mistake
of your life, officer.

Maybe so.

All I know
is I'm done sh**ting people.

[ g*nsh*t ]
Aah!

Oh, sorry. Geez.

Damn it!

Think about it,
you guys.

From the moment
PC Principal took over,

Kyle's been different.
Haven't you noticed?

Yeah.

He's distracting us

either because he's too afraid
or because he --

What are you guys
talking about?

Nothing!

Stan's calling you
a traitor.

What?!

Kyle, I think
it's pretty obvious

you don't want us investigating
PC Principal.

And why do you think
that, Stan, huh?
I don't know.

Because if anyone
has a reason for us

to not mess with PC Principal,
it's you!

Let's not forget
that Stan's dad is

PC Principal's
little bitch!

[ Laughs ]
That's a good point!

I am loving this
right now.

My dad's stupid,
not a bitch.

This is about
you being scared, Kyle!

It is you,
isn't it?

That's why you're trying
to shift blame on me.

That's very Cartman
of you, Stan.

Oh, that's low.

Don't you dare
call me a Cartman!

No, that's good.

Just keep on
distracting everybody.

It seems to be working,
Cartman.

f*ck you, Kyle!

Fight!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Time to take
this assh*le down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Guys, whoa!

We can't just
go walking in there.

Why not?

This is a safe space.
We're not allowed past this.

When you breach
a college safe space,

you're crossing the most sacred
human boundary there is.

Oh, give me a break.

No, no, no, no, no.
Look, this is very real

and very important
in PC culture.

Every human has a right
to a safe space.

It cannot be entered.

Yeah, it can. Watch.

Wow, how did you --

Whoa!

Burning the midnight oil,
huh, Nathan?

Jimmy!
You son of a bitch.

What have done
to the Super School News?

I was just holding down the fort
while you were away, Jim.

Writing headlines sponsored
by PC Principal and the ads?

How much
did they pay you?!

Please, Jimmy.
I'm just trying to survive here.

Everyone's gonna know
the truth, Nathan.

We're getting a new edition
of the school paper

out by morning.

Everyone's going to know
all about the ads.

[ Laughing ]

Deal with him.

[ Weakly ] Leslie,
I thought we were b-besties.

[ Echoing ]
Hey there, big man.

Editor of the school paper, huh?

You still don't even know
half the story.

It's clear.

Where is everybody?

I thought the news said
they're on a hunger strike.

This doesn't make sense.
Someone's always here.

Take a look at this!

What the hell?

It looks like
he was researching this.

You see this news story?

If this is true, then
PC Principal was trying to help.

Click on that.
What is that?

No, click out of that.
What is this?

[ Laughter ]

So, then --
So, then, Caitlyn says,

"Look, bitch,
you're married to Bill Clinton.

If anyone should be afraid
of AIDS, it's you."

That stupid bitch
had it coming.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, God,
I love you, Cait.

We are so gonna win
the primaries.

[ Laughter ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.

What -- What were we
doing again?

[ Doorbell rings ]

Leslie?

You're trying to find out
what's going on, right?

But your friend is
standing in your way?

How do you know that --

I can show you what's going on,
Kyle, but you have trust me.

What's the last four digits
of your soc?

2692.

[ Laughter ]

So, then Token tells Clyde
that if his mouth was a bank,

Clyde's mom would have already
deposited her d*ck in it,

which is hilarious
because Clyde's mom is dead!

[ Laughter ]

Wait, wait, wait,
whoa, whoa.

What the hell
are we doing?