21x03 - Holiday Special

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪

This is an outrage!

This a violation
of our human rights!

Dude, what the hell
is going on?

You didn't hear
the announcement?

They just canceled
Columbus Day.

We have to come to school
on Monday!

They what?!

They can't do this!
We made plans!

Some assh*le went
and convinced the school board

that Columbus Day is r*cist
and should be eliminated.

You can't take away
a day off.

We're just
innocent children!

Dude. What assh*le would
take away a holiday?

My name is Peter Galtman.

I am the head of
the school calendar committee.

I have decided the school

will not celebrate
Columbus Day this year.

I realize this is

a hot-button issue
for many families,

but one parent in particular

has really swayed my opinion
with his passion...

Mr. Randy Marsh.

Mr. Marsh pointed out to me
the hypocrisy

of glorifying
a genocidal m*rder*r.

And Mr. Marsh is, right now,
also working

on having the Columbus statue
taken down in Canyon City.

Come on, everybody!

Let's take
this f*ckin' thing down!

Yeah!! Yeah!

Take it down!

Columbus was a mass m*rder*r!

Tear it down!
Tear it down!

Yeah!

Okay, it's not working.

We almost got it, guys!

Come on!
Throw the rope, Stan!

Good. That's good!

Okay,
hit the gas, Nelson!

We got it,
everybody!

To hell with you,
Columbus, you...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, dude.

Dude, did you know
it's your dad

who's getting the school
to cancel Columbus Day?

Yeah. Dude, I don't know
what's going on.

He's really serious
about this.

Well, you got to
do something.

If you get him to back down,

maybe the school
will reconsider.

I can't get him
to back down.

Stan, I have to deal
with my mom

doing sh*t like this
all the time,

but she's never tried
to take away a holiday.

I'm your best friend,
but I can't have your back

when the guys
find out about this.

I'll try, okay?

I got to go.

Okay, Stan.
You got your phone?

We need to call
everyone on this list.

They all live
in the same city.

Dad, listen, you need
to ease off a little here, okay?

Stan, it's not right
that people celebrate a man

who wiped out
millions of people

for his own glory.
Let's go.

Hello, is this, uh,
Howard Peterson?

You live in Columbus, Ohio.
Is that correct?

Yeah?
You r*cist piece of sh*t.

You heard me.

You're an
intolerant pig.

Oh, you're not?

You just choose to live in a
city named for ethnic cleansing?

No, f*ck you.

Rename your city, assh*le.

Hello?

Okay, next one.
Come on. Get calling, Stan.

Dad, come on.

We all get your point,

but don't you think
you're overdoing it?

You have to overdo
it in today's society, Stan.

You can't be nuanced
and subtle anymore

or else critics go, "Wow,
what was the point of that?"

Hi, Francis Melman?

Hey! How are you,
you f*ckin' r*cist?

Christopher Columbus...

Explorer, pioneer.

Is he someone
who should be appreciated?

Or was he
just a douche?

For years. Columbus Circle
has been a landmark

and photogenic intersection
in New York City.

So it came as a surprise

when someone defecated
on the statue earlier today.

I'm joined now by the man
who did the actual defecating,

Mr. Randy Marsh
of South Park, Colorado.

Good evening!

Mr. Marsh, you took a dump
on the beloved statue that

has been an icon here
in the city for years.

What was your reasoning?

Well, I just
have a problem

with the r*cist people
of this city.

"Yee-haw!
I'm from New York."

I drive around
a big circle

that celebrates a guy
who m*rder*d Native Americans.

"Shoo wee!"

So, you're doing this
because of indigenous peoples

and their feelings?

I don't care
if people get indigenous.

I'll crap all over
their statues.

I'm the one who's indigenous
that this landmark even exists!

Uh, uh...
ba-back to you, Tom.

It ain't right.

They make you
work like a dog

and then just tear away
your one day off in October

like you're
a piece of trash.

Hey, guys.

Boo! Boo!
Nobody likes you, Stan.

Look, I tried talking to him, all right? He's
just really against all the things Columbus did.

Does anybody know
what Columbus actually did?

Yeah. In 1492, Columbus got us
a day off school.

That's what matters.

No. No, wait, guys.
Maybe that's it.

When I'm dealing
with my mom,

sometimes it works to be
on her side for a minute.

Maybe we should find out
all the things

people find offensive
about Columbus and...

And then totally act
like we care.

I like it, Kyle.

I'll just look up "Columbus,
offensive, inflammatory..."

Yeah, this is sweet.

It's like that movie where the dude
pretended to be on the monster's side.

You know, with the guy and the
chick that had the wife beater on,

but her boobs were sweaty
so you could see them.

Oh, I love
that movie!

Yeah, this is
a lot like that.

What'd you find, Kyle?

Nothing.

Dang it!
There's nothing?

Stan, can I talk to you
for a minute?

What? What?
What the hell was that?

Hey, Dad?

Not now, Stan.

I'm working on a proposal

to change British Colombia
to just British.

But, Dad, Kyle
found a picture on Instagram.

It pretty much looks like you

dressed as Columbus
at a Halloween party.

Where did you get that?

If you hate Columbus
so much,

why'd you
dress up like him?

Look, that was
a long time ago. Okay?

Just a dumb
Halloween costume.

Yeah, but...
here's you

dressed as Columbus
at a formal dinner,

and here's you
dressed as Columbus

at a football game.

And you as Columbus
on St. Patrick's day.

Look, I was younger!
We were all younger.

It was another time.

You have to understand,
it was 2013.

Everyone was stoked
on Columbus back then.

Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to be
really stoked on Columbus.

If you guys found
those pictures online,

it's only a matter of time
before everyone else does.

People won't care
about what I do now.

They'll just see me

as a thoughtless,
indigenous son of a bitch.

Randy, do you mind cleaning out
the garage like I asked?

What's the point, Sharon?

Soon they're gonna be
coming after me.

Ugh.

Hey, you!

That's right, you!

Wouldn't you like to know
the story of you?

What makes you, you?

DNAandMe
is a genetic service

that can help you find out

exactly who
your ancestors were.

You might be surprised.

I thought I was just
a standard white guy.

But DNAandMe showed

that I'm actually
4.2% Cherokee Indian.

Turns out
I'm not totally white.

I'm also part Northern Asian,
and even some Kurdish!

I'm a victim of oppression!

I used to get in trouble
for always using the "N" word.

But with DNAandMe, I found out
that I'm 2.1% black!

Morning, Steve.

'Sup, n*gga.

The test is easy.

Simply swab
the inside of your mouth

and send it in
to our labs.

People made fun of me
for being French.

DNAandMe showed
I was 8% Navajo.

Nobody's making fun of me now,

or my people,
who were victims.

I'm 13% victim!

I'm 21% victim.

Order now and find out

if your friends should be
more sympathetic towards you.

DNAandMe.
Are you in?

Hell f*ckin' yes,
I'm in.

All right. Everyone's here.
Let's do this.

Here you go,
just like I said.

$100 cash.
No questions asked.

Are we good?

Good.
No talking. Perfect.

Okay.
Let's get this over with.

Thank you.

Do not talk of this
to anyone.

All right, everybody!
Hey, thanks for coming.

If, uh, I can have
your attention, please,

I think we're ready
to get started.

Uh, Mr. Marsh, you know

none of this
was really necessary.

For DNAandMe testing,

you can just swab the inside
of your mouth yourself

and send it in the mail.

Yeah, I know, but I just...
I was really excited about it,

wanted everyone
to witness my test.

Well, to each their own,
I suppose.

All right.
Open wide.

Ahh...

Okay. I'll get this
back to the lab

and get the results to you
as soon as possible.

Okay, great.
I'm very interested to see

what those results
have to say.

Galtman residence.

Listen to me carefully.

The man who convinced you
to cancel Columbus Day

is a fraud.

Who is this?

You will go online
and search Instagram

for images of Randy Marsh.

I most certainly
will not.

Randy Marsh is
a hypocrite and a fake.

You will be taken down with him
when he is exposed.

What's he saying?

Shh!
Mprphph mhprphm!

We know where you live,

and we know how
to make you suffer.

Now you listen here,
Mr. Man.

The Galtmans
do not believe

in social media
or the Internet.

It's all fake news.
Fake news.

Then speak
with Marsh yourself.

The truth is out there.

Mrph. Rm rmhmhm
rm mrph rmhmhm.

Hmmm. Sounds like
maybe the Galtmans

need to check out
Randy Marsh.

Shelley,
we've got an emergency!

We're getting rid of all the
Columbus stuff in this house!

Any Columbus costumes,
Columbus pictures...

They all got to go!

I don't give a sh*t
about Columbus.

Sharon,
Peter Galtman called.

He sounds suspicious.
We got to get rid

of all our Columbus sh*t glasses
and coffee cups.

Where are they?

Your Columbus sh*t glasses
and coffee cups

are in that cupboard.

sh*t glasses, coffee cups,
towels, plates...

What about the Columbus figurine
salt and pepper shakers?

I don't know where
you put them, Randy.

Sharon, do you know
what they'll do to us

when they find out how stoked
we were on Columbus?

You were stoked on Columbus,
Randy. Not me.

Oh, really?!

Did you forget
our wedding?!

That's you right there,

standing there
with a big smile on your face.

You didn't say
anything about it

being insensitive then,
did you?

I actually was
a little upset

that you dressed up as Columbus
for our wedding,

but I decided...
Oh, now!

You say that now, 'cause
everyone's freaking out.

But you were right there,
going along with it!

They're gonna be coming
after you, too, Sharon!

So you can just wipe that
indigenous look off your face.

Oh! That could be
my DNA results!

Here, take this stuff
out back!

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

I've never felt so alive
until now.

Thank you.
Lo-Lovely flowers. Thank you.

Galtman residence.

Listen carefully
if you want to live.

You will make this Monday
a school holiday.

I spoke with Mr. Marsh,
and he denied any wrong doing.

Of course he did!

That's what liars do!

I don't think you're being
intimidating enough.

Yeah, get meaner, Kenny.
Meaner like how, dude?

I don't know, like... like maybe say... Like
talk about cutting off his d*ck or something.

We're gonna
cut off your d*ck!

No, dude. That's too far. Okay, okay, just
say we're gonna cut off part of his d*ck.

Just give me
the phone.

Hello? What? Randy Marsh is about
to pay for what he's done.

Protect him
and you will pay, too.

Time is running out.

Jesus!

Sharon, have you seen
my Columbus staff and orb?

I have not.

Sharon, Galtman
called again.

Somebody is out there trying to
get me in trouble.

Randy, why don't you just
admit to people

that maybe you were
somewhat overly excited

about Columbus in the past.

Everyone was excited
about Columbus!

For some reason, people are just
pointing fingers at me.

Just because he's suddenly
not cool now

doesn't mean I'm gonna be
the F'ing scapegoat!

I got to burn
this stuff.

Oh, God damn it.

I wrote you a song
to express my feelings for you.

Will you
get out of here?!

♪ And then he kissed me ♪

I didn't kiss you
'cause I like you.

♪ And then he kissed me ♪

Okay, okay.

♪ And the sun
began to shine ♪

That's it.
Get off my property!

Randy,
I cannot quit you.

Get off my land,
you piece of sh*t!

Don't post that.

Do not... post that.

sh*t!

Guys, what are
you doing?

It's over, Eric.

We have to come to school
on Monday.

Just face it.

I'm not facing anything.
We still have time.

There has to be
a way we can...

Dude, there's nothing
we can do, all right?

Oh, okay. I see.

Is that what Columbus did?
Just give up?

On his dream?
No.

Columbus believed that kids
should have a day off school.

And even when his own country
wouldn't support his cause,

Columbus said, "Fine.
I'll go find a new land"

where kids
can have that day off."

Eric, just let it go.

And when Columbus
sailed to distant places

only to find people
already there

who said, "No!
Stay off our land!"

We want our kids
to have to go to school!"

He said, "No!
It's just one day in October."

They need a break!"

You guys can all give up,
but I'm not.

Because in 1492, Columbus
got us all a day off school.

With just three ships,
he sailed over

so we could have
some 'me time' in October.

And, yes, millions were
slaughtered and throats were cut.

But if we don't get
that day off school,

then for what?

Come on, guys.

There's something else
we can try.

Sharon, good news!
What?!

The people from the DNA test
called!

They're on their way over.
You want to come down?

I'm doing something.

You sure?

These results could
be really interesting.

Oh, God damn it!
What the hell do you want?

I want you to stop
running from yourself.

We could be so happy.

Crap, it's them!

Just a second! Be right there!
Thanks!

Get over here!

I don't have any feelings
for you. Do you understand?

But, Randy,
what about the...

No! No buts!
There's nothing here.

I'm not in love with you,
got it?!

Yes.

Yes, I understand.

Good. Now leave.

Hi. Sorry.
You guys have my results?

Well, Mr. Marsh,
we came because

there was an irregularity
with your test.

What, you found something there
you didn't expect to find?

What is it?

Well, it's just
a little too odd.

We need to do
the test again.

Do it again?
That's not fair.

Mr. Marsh, please,

if we could just have
one more sample.

We want to be
absolutely sure

of what we found.

Uh... okay,
no problem.

Give me... Give me
one sec. I'll be right back.

Wait! Wait!

Okay. Okay.
All set. Let's do this.

Ahh!

Mr. Marsh, we were hoping
to do a more precise test.

It's better
for harder cases like this,

but it is an a**l swab
this time.

An a**l swab?

Give me..
Tw... three minutes.

Hey, where'd you go?

Mr. Marsh, we're in
a bit of a hurry

if you don't mind.

Oh.
Oh, sh*t.

All right, it's clear.
Bring him in.

Move your ass,
Galtman!

This is a violation
of my rights.

Just shut up
and watch

what someone posted
on their Instagram!

I most certainly
will not!

If you want me to look at
the Internet, I will die first.

It's fake news.

That's why we had it
transferred to VHS.

Oh.
VHS is fine.

Take off
his blindfold.

Get off my land,
you piece of sh*t!

Don't post that.

Hmm.

Oh, Mr. Marsh.

Oh, hey!
How are you?

Good.
What are you up to?

Chillin', chillin'.

Well, uh, we did get your DNA
results back this morning.

Would you like to go over them?

Oh, you did?
Oh, great.

Sure.
Why not? I'm here.

Let's, uh...
Let's do that.

All right, Mr. Marsh,

here's your
DNAandMe portfolio.

This shows
that we actually found

a mix of a few things
in your regional ancestry.

Really? Like Native American?!
Like... Like a little bit?!

No, we didn't find any trace

of any Native American DNA
in your test...

Nuts.

But as you can see here,
we found

that you're about
43% Northern European,

37% Mediterranean,

and 18% Southwest Asian.

In fact, your genetic profile
most closely matches...

your standard
Caucasian British person.

And you might
be interested to know

that you are actually
2.8 % Neanderthal,

which is fairly high.

Neanderthal?

What the hell is that about?

Well, the Neanderthals
were actually a species

that was wiped out
by h*m* sapiens.

Wiped out...
all of my people?

Yes, but you see,
because of some cross breeding,

some people like you
still possess.

Neanderthal DNA.

Isn't that interesting?

Cross breeding?
You mean r*pe.

You're telling me
that my ancestors

were r*ped
and then eradicated by you...

You maniacs?!

The Earth wasn't big enough
for Neanderthals,

So your ancestors
just got rid of them, huh?!

Well, to hell with all of you!

Well, well.
Mr. Marsh.

I'd like to have a word, please.

You find this funny,
Galtman?!

What'd I do?

Nobody had the guts

to tell me what happened
to my people, huh?

Get the hell out of here!

I brought my parents over
so you could meet them.

Oh, God!

Don't worry.

My parents are very okay
and cool with us.

Who the hell is that?

Yeah, sure, everyone g*ng up
on the Neanderthal!

Isn't it funny?!

Randy, you must face
who you are.

Stop pretending, Randy.

For once, just allow
yourself to feel.

You're right.
You're right.

It's only now, when everyone's
being so indigenous to me,

That I realize how indigenous
I've been acting all along.

I thought being a victim
would solve all my problems.

But being a victim
has a downside, too.

Mr. Galtman,
I haven't been honest.

It's time for us all
to be honest.

What is a holiday?

It's a day off work, yes,
a day off school.

But holidays are also meant
to be a time to reflect.

Today, I'm happy to announce

that the school calendar
committee

is reinstating the day off.

But instead
of glorifying anyone,

let us make it a holiday

about the negative feelings
that we all sometimes feel,

say what we're really thinking
so we can move on.

And so, the second Monday
of October

will still be a holiday.

But instead of Columbus Day,

it will be
for ripping on each other

and tearing each other down,

and we will call it
Indigenous Peoples Day.

For, perhaps, if we all do it
at the same time,

we won't be so indigenous
the rest of the year.

And since this is the second
Monday of October,

let's all embrace
the new meaning of the holiday

starting right now.

Do you even know

what indigenous means,
you frickin' idiot?

That's the spirit, Dave!
Come on!

Everybody, let's just all
be totally indigenous!

Come on!

Who the hell let this guy
talk to the school counsel?

Good one, Kurt.
Your wife's a whore.

Come on, everyone!

Indigenous Peoples Day!
Let's go for it!

Shut up,
and get off the podium!

Okay.
I will in a second, fatso.

All right.
Who else?

Come on!
Get it out of your system!

Happy Indigenous Peoples Day,
everyone.

Suck my assh*le.

Randy,
I cannot quit you.

Get off my land,
you piece of sh*t!

Don't post that.