22x02 - A Boy and a Priest

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ I'm goin' down to South
Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪

♪ Headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Murpph mmmph mmph
mmmph mrrr mff mrmmph! ♪

♪ Murpph mmmph mmph mmmph
mrrr mff mrmmph! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park,
and meet some friends of mine ♪

Come on, guys. We don't wanna be late.

Do I have to go? It's the only
day I get to play games.

We're all going. Come on.

I don't understand why we have
to go to church every Sunday.

Church is important, Stan.

Way more important
than video games and TV.

Church is about community
and coming together...

a lot of things.

All I know is that after church,
I just feel better.

Yeah. Me, too.

Hey, mornin', Stephen, Linda!

Morning, guys.

Oh, thanks, there, Randy.

You got it. Where's Josie?

Aw, she slipped her disc in her neck.

Poor thing can barely move.

Aw, she's gonna miss church?
That's too bad. Give her my best.

For God so loved the world

that he gave his only begotten son

so that whoever believed in him
should have eternal life.

This is the gospel of the Lord.

Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

Today's gospel talks about
what the Lord has to give us.

He did so because we could not
control our temptations.

Kind of like a priest
in a room full of naked boys.

Okay. Okay. Let's... let's try
and have none of that today.

In John 3:16, the gospel tells
us how God so loved the world,

he gave to us his only son.

And a Catholic priest r*ped him.

Okay, okay. Come... Come on, guys.

N-Now, what greater gift
could the Lord have given to us?

Children's underwear which priests
couldn't pull down so easily.

Okay. Let's... Let's try
and compose ourselves.

Let's try and just get through
this first one, okay, guys?

What does it mean that the Lord
gave us his only begotten son?

It means if you're a cute boy
at a Catholic priest swimming party,

you better be gettin'!

Oh, that was a great one, Nelson.

Salvation in a little boy's mouth.

I'm gonna post that one for sure.

Who said the thing
about naked boy salad?

Oh, that was Linda!

Well, see ya next week, everybody!

- Yeah! See ya!
- All right. Take it easy, now!

- Bye.
- That was good.

I really don't understand
the point of all that.

Yeah, well, I used
to think that about church

when I was a kid, too.

But back then, I don't know
if church was that stupid.

Hey, don't say things like that, Stan.

You wanna go to (BLEEP) hell?

Father, can I talk to you?

Of course, my child.
What's troubling you?

Well, what's troubling you?

You know, at school, the kids used

to all make fun of me sometimes.

One kid would say something mean,

and then the other kids would laugh.

I know how lousy it feels.

I learned to just walk away,

not give 'em all the satisfaction.

Well, we can't all walk away.

The... The priesthood is all I know.

I-I dedicated my entire life to it.

I don't know anything else.

I know it seems impossible.

I thought I'd be a punching bag
my whole life,

but now, I'm one of the popular kids.

I even get invited
to board game night at Stan's house.

My point is, sometimes,

y-you just gotta put yourself out there.

I wanna be Calamity Jane this time.

How many cards do you start with, Kenny?

Two cards.

Oh. There's Butters!

Oh, hey, fellas!

I hope you don't mind
I brought a friend.

Come on in!

Uh, hello, my children.

Okay, so, I-I guess
I'm gonna go to the saloon

and try to arrest Cartman.

Let's see what you got, bitch.

So, Kyle, did you know
Father is a really good singer?

You like to sing, too, don't you?

No.

Praise the Lord for the Lord is good.

Sing praise to his name,
for that is pleasant.

Ace. You lose.

Hey, Stan.

Have you seen my...

No way!

Hang on! Hang on! I gotta post this!

I shouldn't be here.

This is hilarious.

Four boys and a priest
playing a board game!

Aw, Father wait a... I should go.

No, no, no wait. Let me get the picture.

Father!

Aw, sh*t! I missed it.

Why did you invite Butters
to game night?

I didn't invite him.

Come on, Father.
You can't give up so fast!

This is just gonna
make things way worse.

People will rip on me.

Who cares? Who cares what people say?

- I do.
- Aw, come on. You gotta be strong!

Why do you care?!

Because I was you. Okay?

I wasn't always this cool.
I've been through it.

But then, one day,
somebody told me something.

He said, "Life is full of love
and light and bountiful things,"

and you know who told me that?

You did! Two years ago in church!

You have a right to go and be happy,

and if people wanna keep trying to
knock you down, well (BLEEP) 'em!

Hey. Morning, Mackey.

Happy Sunday! Mornin', Ted, Hazel.

Mornin'! Mornin'!

Mornin'! Mornin'!

Ah, doin' better. Huh, Josie?

A lot better, thank you.

All right.

What the...?

It's not open.

Let me try.

Hey! Hey, it's 9:00! Hey!

What's going on?

Ohhhhh!

There's no church today!

You all are just gonna have
to find something better to do!

Hey.

Hey! Open the door!

Hey! Come on!

Well, this sucks.

What are we supposed to do
without church?

I just feel so empty.

What are you guys so upset about?

Shut up, Shelly!

Isn't this great, Father?

Fresh, mountain air.

Nice, warm fire.

I have to admit, it's a pretty
nice way to spend a Sunday.

How many are your works, Lord?

In wisdom, you made them all.

Yeah. The Lord's pretty cool.

He is...

because he brought me you.

Denver Archdiocese.
The Lord be with you.

And with your spirit, m'kay.

Uh, my name is counselor Mackey,

and w-we seem to be having
a little problem

with our local church
here in South Park.

Our, uh... our priest has gone missing.

Oh, not another one!

All right. Listen to me carefully.

Your local priest
has not done anything wrong.

Probably just taking some time off.

Why is that suspicious?

Well, it's not suspicious.

We just kind of don't know
what to do, you know?

We'll take care of it.

There's no need to involve the
authorities. Just sit tight.

Send in a clean-up crew now.

We've got another one.

A priest in South Park has gone rogue

and is probably out doing his thing.

I need you guys to get up there
and clean up his mess.

Don't worry, Your Holiness.

By the time we're done with that town,

there won't be a lick of cum anywhere.

Happy Birthday, Clyde!

Hope you don't mind I brought a friend!

For we are God's handiwork,
created in Christ Jesus

to do good works.

Dude, what are you talking about?

Come on, Father!

Let's go tear up the skating rink!

Just leave it alone, Clyde.

Butters brings him everywhere.

I don't care. I don't want a priest
at my (BLEEP) birthday party!

It's all right, Clyde. It's all right.

That's it! You're doin' great!

Oh, aah!

Oh, Mother Mary.

I feel like everyone's staring at me.

Nobody's staring!

I'm gonna go get us some soda pop.

You just mingle with the other fellas!

What's it all about, huh?

Are we just bags of carbon and water

put on this planet for no purpose?

You're born.

You die.

Then you're just food for the worms.

It all does seem pretty meaningless.

Hey! The church is back open!

There's people inside!

- What?
- They church is back open?

Oh, boy! Let's go! Let's go!

- The church is back open!
- Thank God! Let's go!

Scrub everything.

Police can detect even a milligram
of cum and rectal blood.

Hey!

Oh. Uh, hello, my children.
The Lord be with you.

And with your spirit.

What, uh, what are you guys doing?

Oh, we're just giving the place
a nice scrub down

while we wait
for your priest to come back.

He was called
to South America last week.

Last week?

No, he was at my house a couple days ago

playing board games with the boys.

No, he wasn't.

Look. I assure you everything is fine.

Your priest will be back.
Just have some patience.

Come on, guys.

Scrub everything.
Bleach those board-game pieces.

You find something on that chair?

It's either blood and cum
or ketchup and mayo.

Well, just get rid of it.

Bleach the entire top of the table.

That's probably where he mounted them.

Uh, excuse me?

Oh. Hello, my son.

What are you doing?

What are we doing about what?

Well, I mean, it looks like

you're scrubbing and bleaching
our table and chairs.

Mnh-mnh. That's not what's going on.

Your local priest was
never here, actually.

Yeah, he was. I played with him.

Oh, you did?

Better get the Kumby.

What's a Kumby?

We're just here to cleanse
your spirit, my child.

Praise be to Christ.

♪ Happy birthday, dear Clyde ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Yay!

And now, let us pray.

Awwww.

Bless us, Oh Lord, and these thy gifts
which we are about to receive...

Kyle, will you do something, please?

- Why me?
- Kyle!

through Christ, Our Lord. Amen.

Uh, Butters, can I talk
to you really fast?

Oh, sure, Kyle. Be right back, Father.

All right, my child.

What's up?

Butters, you know,

you can't just bring your priest
with you everywhere.

I mean, sometimes the guys
just wanna do stuff

and not have a priest around.

What are you saying, Kyle?

I'm saying it's just
kind of awkward, Butters.

He's bumming everybody out.

Nobody wants to hear about Jesus
at a birthday party.

Well, of course you don't.

It's not just me.
It's everybody, Butters.

He can try all he wants,
but he just doesn't belong here.

Well, I'm sorry for trying to help out

somebody who didn't have
anywhere else to turn.

We'll both just leave.

I thought you were better
than that, Kyle.

♪ Faith in Christ ♪

♪ Faith in Christ ♪

All right, clean and scrub everything.

I want it spotless!

Get any evidence the priest
might have left behind.

There's something over here.

But I can't tell
if it's cum or frosting.

It's an 8-year-old's birthday party.

Of course it's cum. Get the Kumby!

Praise be to Christ.

Hello, young man.

We're looking for your town priest.

Was he here?

Yeah, but he left with Butters.

Tell me about this Butters.

All right, that does it!

Get outta my birthday party,

or else I'm gonna call the police!

Father!

Father?

Has anybody seen my priest?

Father, where'd you go?

There you are!
I been lookin' everywhere.

Just leave me alone.

But you're missin' the party.

Look, your friends are right, okay?

I don't belong there.

I-I don't belong anywhere.

They just don't understand you
like I do.

Stop defending me!
There's things you don't know!

But it's not your fault.

Yes, it is. It is my fault! Why?!

Because I knew! All right?!

I knew.

Years ago,

when bad things started coming
out about the Catholic Church,

I went to Vatican, and I... I found out

that the problem was worse
than anyone even thought.

I thought I could help fix it,
so I kept my mouth shut.

I thought there was
a cancer in the Church

that we could get rid of.

But the Church is the cancer.

It's not about a few bad apples.

There's only a few good apples,

and I'm clearly not one of them.

So just stay away from me!

But... I thought we were pals.

You thought wrong.

Hey.

Hey, there.

What's the matter, my child?

Did you know that Jesus loves you?

Sometimes I wonder.

"And the life I now live in the flesh

I live by faith in
the Son of God, who loved me."

Wanna Three Musketeers?

No, thanks.

You like camping trips?
You wanna go camping?

No.

I got a bunny in the back.
You wanna see the bunny?

Well, okay!

Stan?

I have no idea what's going on.

Worst birthday ever!

Boring.

Dumb.

Stupid.

Good, but dated in its view
of gender norms.

Hello, Mr. Marsh.

Father!

Hey, Sharon, it's Father!

- Mr. Marsh, please...
- He's back!

- Father's back!
- I'm just going around

trying to locate little Butters Stotch.

I thought he might be here
playing a board game with your son?

Oh, no, I haven't seen Butters. Or Stan.

But, Father, please, we all need church.

I'm sorry, but I have to keep looking.

I said some terrible things.

Please, Father, we're all lost,

and the clean-up crew
hasn't helped at all.

What clean-up crew?

Any sign of him?

No, but this should draw him out.

The cute one says it's where
he and the priest first got together.

All right. When the priest gets here,

we'll take care of him

and then eradicate this
entire place of any evidence.

Should I bring out the Kumby?

No, this is gonna be
a bigger job than that.

Bring out the Cumboni.

Hey, Randy, what's up?

Stephen!

Stephen, listen... The boys are missing.

Father Maxi thinks they've been
taken by the other priests!

Taken by priests?

Should we call the police
or buy some condoms?

Okay. O-Okay, that was good.

But, seriously,
we have to find these guys!

The boys are in danger!

But where would priests go
this late at night?

To a midnight sale at Boys-R-Us?

Wha... What'd she say?

She said, "to a midnight sale
at Boys-R-Us."

Can... Can I post that?

- Sure, she doesn't care.
- Give me that!

Mr. Stotch, have you heard
from Butters at all?

Well, yeah, we got
a really weird text from him

saying not to worry,
he needed to do some camping.

Oh, my Lord. I know where to go.

And when we get there...

I'll need to go in alone.

Yeah, I'll bet.

He's not showing up.

Try the Priest Call.

I love Jesus!

I love Jesus!

I don't think he's coming.

Oh, he's coming all right,
just not here.

Let's start packing up.

You... Get on the Cumboni
and eradicate this place

along with everything in it.

Yes, Your Holiness.

Wait!

Father.

You wanted to find me. Well, here I am.

I know why you're here.

The church can't have someone like me

going around, making it look bad.

So go ahead. Do it.

Just get it over with.

What?! No!

You think we searched all over town

and set up this trap to k*ll you?

We're Catholics.

We're here to give you what you deserve.

A full transfer to
the beautiful Maldive Islands!

Luxury airfare and beach house included!

A transfer?

The church took care of everything,

just like it always has
from the beginning.

"Thank you for cleaning up all my cum."

I can just go?

I can start over in the Maldives?

No one will make fun of you there.

They can't even speak English.

And don't worry...
there'll be plenty of priests

to take your place here.

Look, I know it's a big change, but...

you know what you have to do.

Yes, I do.

I don't think I have any other choice.

No. He can't.

Well, our work here is done!

Praise be to Christ, guys.

It certainly was a tough one,

but I think we got everything
cleaned up and...

- Aaaah!
- The Cumboni!

Nooooooooo! Br-br-br-br-br-br!

Father, you did it!

I'm so sorry, my child.

I never meant to say we weren't pals.

Does that mean you're gonna stay?

Of course.

Now I have purpose, and I have meaning.

My job here is to protect you.

All of you.

The Lord be with you.

And with your spirit.

Today, I'd like to talk
on the subject of penance.

The penitent have deep remorse,

but for true penance,
we must be humble enough

to admit that the Lord's
forgiveness is undeserved.

Kind of like how getting r*ped by
a Catholic priest is undeserved.

In Job 42:6, we read,

"Therefore I reprehend myself

and do penance in dust and ashes."

And in choir boys' butts and asses.

So we are not to punish ourselves,

but instead we are to
make ourselves passionate.

Like a Catholic priest
at a Chuck E. Cheese.

Oh, God, it's good
to have my faith back!

Passionate to understand
all that Christ sacrificed

and how hard it truly was.

How hard what truly was?