22x08 - Buddha Box

[bunniefuu]

Cartman:
So much has happened.

I don't know where to start.

First it was
all the school sh**t.

Then these Wi-Fi scooters
showed up.

And now we know
that ManBearPig is real

and we could all be dead
in a matter of years.

And you believe...

this all
relates somehow

to the movie
"Black Panther"

not being as good
as everyone says it was?

I know
there's a connection,

but that isn't
what matters.

I can't deal with people
anymore.

It's just, everyone sucks
so hard, you know?

Everybody is so stupid.

And they all walk around going,
"Way aya ayay blarhghg."

And the only thing
that makes me happy,

the only thing I can trust,

is this.

But all people do
is try to keep me from it.

I'll be in my room,
and my mom will come in and say,

"Eric, that's enough
time on your phone."

And then at school...

"Eric, what are you doing?

You can't use your phone
at school!"

And even my friends.

My own friends, they'll be like,

"Hey, Cartman,
throw us the ball.

You're the g*dd*mn
quarterback."

It's like everybody needs
something from me.

All I want is
a little time with my phone

instead of always listening
to people's needy bullshit.

Oh, uh, sorry.
Just --

Uh, well, you know,

young people have to deal
with so much today.

I believe
that what you have

is anxiety.

Anxiety?
Is that cool?

It's pretty common
these days.

What it really is
more than anything

is an excuse to be lazy and lame
to everyone around you.

Oh, my God.
That's perfect.

♪♪

I'm busy.

Woman Receptionist:
Mr. Principal.

I'm busy doing stuff!

What?!

Woman Receptionist:
The vice principal needs
to speak with you.

She says it's urgent.

Oh, PC Principal.

Uh, y-yes?

Are you going in
to see the vice principal?

I really need
to speak with her.

Uh, yeah.
We're just, uh --

We're having an important
scheduling to go over.

Everything is okay
with you two?

There's no more
inappropriate behavior?

You know, as a counselor,
I'm here to --

That's in the past,
Mackey.

We've paid our dues,

and we're not hiding
anything anymore.

Mkay.

I could use a little help here!

What's going on?

Riley said a word that
her sister felt was
insensitive to Muslims.

Now they're all upset.

All right.
What word did you use, Riley?

She just said,
"Aba daba."

Look, can't we put them
in a daycare?

Oh, yeah.
That would be really smart.

If anybody sees them,

they're gonna figure out
you're the father.

Well, maybe they won't.

You wanna risk that?

The babies
have to stay hidden

because if people know
the truth,

then you're not PC,
and I'm not strong!

All right,
can I take your order?

Excuse me.

What would
you like, sir?

Just a God--
Can you wait?

Isn't that your job?
Aren't you a wait-er?!

Hey, could you turn
your phone down, kid?

This is a restaurant.

It just so happens
I have anxiety.

That means I have trouble

being around assholes
who won't leave me alone!

Oh, hello, Eric.

Shut up.
I have anxiety.

Hey, kid!

Hey, kid!

I'm on my phone!

You're about
to get hit by a car.

All right, that's it!

- Everyone stop!
- Just stop right now!

Listen up, people!
I have anxiety!

That means I'm in my shell

and have a hard time
expressing myself.

I find it difficult
to engage with others!

So everyone
shut the up,

because my anxiety
is up here right now!

We live in a world
of many distractions.

It's hard to find peace.

In the hustle and bustle
of modern times,

we've lost the one thing
we all need.

More quality one-on-one time...

with our phone.

But now you can have it
with Buddha Box.

Simply fit the patented box
on your head

and set its Bluetooth
to your mobile device.

Inside Buddha Box,

your phone is projected
two inches from your face,

and the noise-canceling
headphones

let you hear your phone
without any outside noise,

giving you peace from...

that annoying Uber driver
who wants to talk,

those people at work
who act like they need stuff.

I want to be enlightened
like the Buddha,

but I've got
these kids.

Let Buddha Box take you to
a place of peace and serenity

where you can have quality,
uninterrupted time

with your phone.

I was stressed out
and feeling anxious.

After just 8 to 10 hours
in Buddha Box,

I feel refreshed and ready
to take on anything.

Babe, can you please come say hi
to my mother while she's here?

♪♪

Order Buddha Box today,

and you too can have

that quiet, quality time
with your phone.

Like the Buddha.

What the hell
is that?

I think
it's Cartman.

What is it
doing?

Ha! That's so sweet!

That video seriously
makes me laugh!

Lemme check my e-mail again!

Oh, man, nothing from Lorenz
yet? Whatever, weak.

Oh, I gotta see that post
from Clyde again!

Dude.

Dude! What the hell
are you doing?!

What? What?
Who's that?
Get off of me!

Oh, sorry, Craig.
Didn't see you there.

Yeah, 'cause you got
a stupid box on your head.

Oh, there's nothing stupid
about it.

Don't you wish you had a way
to deal with your anxiety?

My anxiety?

I see it in you, Craig.

With your parents
and relationships.

Imagine being able to shut them
out for a little while, Craig,

so you can focus
on what matters.

With Buddha Box, you can cut out
all the unwanted noise.

Not have to deal
with conversations

that are of no interest
to you.

Well, I have to admit,

sometimes when me and Tweek
are together,

it's -- it's like he wants
my atten--

All right, children,

we have a lot to go over
for today's quiz.

Who can tell me
where we left off?

Eric.

Eric Cartman.

$34 million box office?

How the hell does "Creed II"
do $34 million opening weekend?

What's the weather like
tomorrow?

Oh, it's snowing?
I gotta tell Lorenz. I --

Whoa, whoa!
Hey!

What do you think
you're doing?

Excuse me.
That's my Buddha Box.

You aren't using this
during class time.

It relaxes me.
Ask my therapist.

I have anxiety,
you dumb bitch.

I don't know
what makes you think

you're different
from everyone else,

but nobody gets away
with slandering teachers

at this school!

Aw, man.
That looks so sweet.

Hey.

Hey!

Oh. PC Principal.
Hello.

Just what do you think
you're doing?

I'm letting go of stress and
being calm, like the Buddha.

There are no boxes
on your head in school.

Hey. Whoa, man.
What's going on?

Are you suffering
from anxiety?

What are you
talking about?

It's okay.
I have it, too.

Anxiety
is very real.

But there is help
for people like us.

What the
are you doing?

Hey! What the
are you doing?!

Oh, hey. I just needed to answer
a couple e-mails really fast.

With a box
on your head?

I got one for you, too.

It's Buddha Box.

Look, you and I have been
having a lot of problems.

Clearly what we both need

is more quality, one-on-one time
with our phones.

I don't need a box on my head
to use the phone.

I'm sorry!
I was trying to be helpful!

All right, Riley, give that back
to your brother.

Bailey, no.

Harper, don't --
Harp-er!

♪♪

♪ PC Babies

♪ They're comin' to your town

♪ PC Babies

♪ The wokest kids around

♪ When there's something
problematic ♪

♪ They're gonna let you know

♪ Making things
fun and gender neutral ♪

♪ Everywhere they go

♪ They're everybody's
fave-sies ♪

♪ They're PC Babies, yeah

Hey, Mike, what's that
you're drinking?

This? Oh.
It's a Cosmopolitan.

I know, I know.
It's a p*ssy drink.

Hey,
be careful, guys.

There's some PC Babies
over there.

Oh, great.

Come on, I didn't mean
p*ssy drink

as in
female genitalia.

Okay, I'm sorry!

I'll order
a Black Russian!

Hey, what's all that racket
down there?

Oh, there's
some PC Babies

upset about certain
drink descriptions.

Fine. We'll take them
off the menu.

Who's makin' a difference?
Who's the future?

Here it comes!
Block it!

What the ,
dude?!

What is your
g*dd*mn problem?!

What's going on?

They just scored again,
you fat!

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry I'm dealing
with my anxiety!

Do you know how hard it is
for people with my condition

to come out and even do
things like this?

Living with anxiety is
awful, huh, Craig?

Can we get another
goalie, please?

Oh, yeah!
Sure!

Yeah, because people
with anxiety

shouldn't be allowed
to play sports, right, Kyle?

You know, our world
is dark and scary enough

without people like you
making us feel inferior.

assh*le.

this.

My parents didn't come here
to watch their son lose

by 20 points!

Come on, Dad.
Let's go!

Dad?

Strong Woman:
River?! Bailey?!

Emory?!

It's okay.
We're gonna find them.

I can't believe
you were on your phone.

You were on
your phone, too.

It was my time
to be on the phone.

You were on yours
all morning!

You're seriously gonna make this
all my fault.
Yes!

Because last I checked,
you didn't even want me around

as a partner to the PC Babies,
even though I --

Oh, God!
I'm not doing this again.

Even though you need me
to do sh*t for you

every 10
minutes.

You don't get to just say
whatever you --

Oh. Okay, cool.
Fine with me.

I'm the one who has
a problem

on their phone.

You know, usually,
I'm afraid to tell you

what I really think,
but you wanna know something?

You wanna --

You wanna know
what I really think?

Anxiety can make you feel
unable to cope.

But living with someone
who has anxiety can

be a bit of a roller coaster,
as well.

We have to support our
loved ones with their anxiety

and try to understand
their illness.

I just feel like Craig has
changed so much lately!

He barely even
talks to me anymore!

Well, because his anxiety
makes him feel like

anything he says
might sound wrong.

That's why we must nurture
our loved ones

so they feel safe.

Eric, I just feel like you have
so much to offer the world

and it kills me that
you're so afraid

to let your
inner you shine.

That guy's such a douche.

What was that -- what was that
one show he was on?

Maybe you -- you wanna
text him that?

Oh, yeah, "B.J. and the Bear."
That show was so dumb.

What kind of monkey
was that anyway?

What was that --
What was that monkey --

Wait -- What the --
What the hell is this?

Oh, God damn it!

Mom, will you stop texting me,
please? I'm trying to relax!

Look, we're all
just trying

to understand
this condition,

and it's like
you're not listening.

We're doing
everything we can

to keep our anxiety
under control!

Do you think I even wanna
be here right now!

I am freaking out!

Can we go now?

Yeah,
that's pretty cool.

Hey! Hey!
What's going on here?!

Why aren't you people
working?

We can't keep
buildin', sir.

We got a bunch of protestors
who won't let us work.

Protestors?
Who?

Ugh, just a bunch
of PC Babies

who think building this thing
is wrong.

All right! All right!
What do you PC Babies want?

I guess they're upset
because the new viaduct

is being financed by a state
rather than county institution.

Aw, come on, PC Babies!
Why does that matter?

I guess the state
refused to finance

a proposed program
on race-relation education,

and they see it
as hypocritical.

God damn it!

Not everyone cares about
race relation programs!

Come on, PC Babies!
We got a job to do!

Crying continues ]

All right, all right,
just calm down, lady!

You want to file
a Missing-Persons report?

No! No, we don't want to file
anything specific.

We just need help finding
some PC Babies.

PC Babies?

They usually hang out
at liberal arts colleges.

You could find some there.

No, no, it's five
specific PC Babies.

Tony, wasn't
there a report

of some PC Babies
down at the Mexican border?

No, no, these PC Babies
wouldn't have gotten that far.

They can barely walk.
I'm their mother.

Okay, okay.
Last name?

Woman.

First name?

S-strong...

Okay.
And you're the father?

No!

I am her superior
at work!

Don't be ridiculous!

You think I took advantage
of my position?!

I'm not some two bit floozy...
I'm not Harvey Weinstein,

who goes around sleeping
with the boss!
...all right?!

I have nothing but respect
for females in my workplace...
I am a strong woman!

Those kids were born naturally
by in-vitro fertilization!
...and I would never
compromise that position!

We'll, uh...
see what we can do.

In the meantime, you'll just
have to take a seat and wait.

♪♪

Go.

Go!

What do you want?

Go down the slide
or get out of the way!

You think I even want
to be here, Kyle?

My therapist told me
I need to force myself

to go out and do things
to overcome my anxiety.

Can we move him,
please?!

Oh! Oh, I see!

People with anxiety shouldn't be
allowed at water parks.

Is that it, Kyle?

Hey, everybody!
Just so you know!

Kyle thinks people with anxiety
should just stay home!

Yeah, I'm trying to come
out of my shell,

but Dr. Kyle here is just
worried about his place in line.

Get. Off. My. Towel.

Get off my towel!

God damn it!

I seriously can't get
a minute of peace!

Why is it that people who don't
have a Buddha box

are always flipping
Buddha boxes off the heads

of people with anxiety?

I got news for you, Cartman!
Everyone has anxiety!

Everyone gets nervous!

Everyone is afraid
being around people!

Everyone has feelings
they'd rather stay home alone.

And you know what they do?
They get over it!

And they stop being
a piece of sh*t.

Everyone has anxiety?

Yes.

Oh, my God!

I know what
I have to do now!

Y-You're right, Kyle!

You're right!

What?!

No, no!

What did I just do?

Should have just let him be
on his phone, dude.

You know what the kids like
today?

They like music that matters!

I think you guys
got what it takes

to be the next big thing!

The PC Babies!

That's what I'm talkin' about!
That stuff is raw!

Everyone loves you,
PC Babies!

We're gonna make you famous!

All right, PC Babies,
let's hear what you got.

♪♪

Deejay: All right,
South Park,

and now here's that special
treat we told you about.

Live with us in the studio
is a hot new band --

The PC Babies.

They're gonna perform
their new song,

which is about the injustice
of white people in dreadlocks.

It's called "Waaaaghgh."

♪♪

Riley?

Th-That's Bailey!

It's the PC Babies --
guess they're all the rage now.

Come on!

♪♪

To quiet one's mind...

one must have a dialogue
with oneself.

I have found enlightenment,

but there are so many others
who suffer...

It's very important
to take the time

to shut out the outside word.

In the Hindu religion,
there's a saying, "namaste."

It means, " you.
I have anxiety."

At first, I thought
it was only a few of us.

But then something was
said to me by Kyle.

He said "Eric, my friend,
everyone has anxiety."

I know what
you're thinking.

Kyle.

And normally,
I would agree with you.

But hear his words.

Everyone has anxiety.

We must recognize this disease
as an epidemic.

Yes, Kyle, but, Mayor,
we have to raise money

to get everyone who has anxiety
the tools they need to cope.

And how do you think
we get that money?

How do you suggest
we do this?

Namaste.

Na-ma-ste.

you, too.

That was far out,
PC Babies!

You really rocked
the airwaves!

Now come on.
We got a photo sh**t at 5:00!

Kids!

You're okay!
Thank God!

Who the hell are you?

I'm their...
vice principal.

Yes, and I-I'm
their principal.

We need to get these kids
back to school.

You can't do that!
These are the PC Babies!

Don't you know
how big they are?

In just one day,
they protested a bar,

stopped construction
of a problematic viaduct,

and wrote a hit single
about cultural appropriation.

They...

did all that?

Oh, my God.

They had their
first protests...

and we missed it.

We missed everything because...
we were on our phones.

I've always used the phone
as a way to deal

with the stress
of having babies

nobody could
know the truth about,

but it's only
made it worse.

You know what we have
to do, right?

Yeah...
I think so.

PC Principal: All right,
everyone, listen up.

The vice principal and I have
been discussing student health.

And it's our firm belief
that what they need,

and what we all need,
is less time on our phones.

Yes, yes I know
it's an unpopular idea,

but just hear me out,
please.

Our phones are
the cause of stress,

not the relief from it.

We are banning phones
and Buddha Boxes from school,

and we suggest you all

strictly limit their use
at home, as well.

I don't think anyone's
listening to you.

Yeah.

Nobody's listening.

♪♪

And nobody's
watching.

I guess we could wait and ban
the boxes tomorrow?

♪ You keep brushing that hair
back out of your eyes ♪

♪ And it just keeps falling
and so do I ♪

♪ I am feeling like
the luckiest man alive ♪

♪ Today

♪ And I don't know
about tomorrow ♪

♪ Right now, the whole
world feels right ♪

♪ And the memory of a day like

♪ Can get you through
the rest of your ♪

♪ Life

Eric, I just feel like you have
so much to offer the world

and it kills me that
you're so afraid

to let your
inner you shine.

That guy's such a douche.

What was that -- what was that
one show he was on?

Maybe you -- you wanna
text him that?