Jimmy, brah,
you will not believe the
illness I got into last night.
Where the hell have you been?!
People magazine is
coming to interview me.
And thus, as per our munificent
landlord-transient squatter agreement,
you need to make me some toast
soldiers for sustenance.
Then, when they arrive,
tell them how I selflessly saved you
from a life living in a trash can
like the green fellow
in that puppet slum.
Come on, now. Oh, and as you cook,
do that thing where you
babble incessantly,
and my mind goes blank like
I'm in a hot air balloon,
floating, floating.
It so calms my nerves.
Cool. So, there I was at Boudoir
Bar for New School Rap Night.
My Tinder date, a strawberry
blonde with respectable Cs.
Oh, side note, I've developed
this dating technique.
It's like negging, but
wicked sensitive.
- Ah, yes, that's it.
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
So what happened? She
eat your d*ck or what?
Uh...
mo-mostly hand stuff.
Nice!
Gettin' some knuckle
on the first date.
(MOUTHING)
(WHISPERING): I don't know.
No. Just go...
So, Jimmy, uh, te-tell me
more about this interview.
Uh, well, my publisher arranged it.
Um, I'm going to suggest
we do it at Soho House.
Soho House? Last time I was there,
I puked in Kristen
Stewart's bowler hat.
sh*t, I'm still fungry!
(GASPS) Yo!
We got hella new snackies!
Cheesy crackers? "F" to the yeah.
Edgar, you're a g*dd*mn genius.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
I'm heading to my room.
But first,
I got to hork down all these
cheesy b*tches right quick.
(COUGHING)
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
- What's she doing here?
- I don't know.
- Well, are you guys back together?
- I don't know!
Oh, man, this sort of
situational murkiness
with no road map for
success makes me anxious.
It's the fog of w*r, bro.
It reminds me of this one time
in the Al Anbar province.
There was this little boy
- who was wearing...
- (KNOCKING)
They're here.
Okay, um... I'll invite them in.
"Hello, hello. Jimmy's a saint."
Then you disappear, and
we'll head down Sunset
and straight into the pages of
America's favorite purveyor
of soft journalism.
(SIGHS)
- James, so lovely to see you again.
- I... (MUTTERS)
- Oh. Oh.
- Oh. Oh. Yup.
- Oh. Three.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- This is Genevieve from People.
- Okay.
Um, why is there a camera crew?
It's an on-camera interview?
For People's streaming series,
Where the Magic Happens.
They come and interview
artists in their homes.
It was in the e-mail I sent you.
Okay, quick note, I never
read past the subject
unless the e-mail's subject
is, "Read Past Subject!"
- Or "Big Fan!"
- GENEVIEVE: Let's set up
by the windows. That
way, we can frame him
with the sun setting over the reservoir.
- Well, that's east, and it's morning.
- We'll fix it in post.
- (QUIETLY): Can I, uh...?
- Oh.
So, um, Gretchen is here.
- You two aren't back together, are you?
- No.
Um, I mean, we haven't
really discussed our status.
Because that would really interfere
with the marketing of the book.
We're selling you as a bachelor Brit
with eyes of frosted steel.
Steel is a bit cold.
I mean, maybe cornflower?
I worked my ass off getting
you this interview.
Usually, People magazine will
not touch an unknown author
unless they just escaped from
a kidnapper's sex dungeon.
So you need to make sure
she doesn't come upstairs.
If you tell Gretchen there's a
place she can't go, she's going.
Whether it's a bar, a
McDonald's PlayPlace,
a public pool during kids' swim.
Deal with it... now.
Um...
Jimmy saved my life.
Oh.
We can CGI him into a
floor lamp, right?
Yeah, totally.
(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING
ON COMPUTER SCREEN)
Konnichiwa.
(MOANING CONTINUES ON COMPUTER)
So, apparently, this interview
is happening upstairs.
And so, it's vital that
you stay down here.
(MOANING CONTINUES)
That doesn't mean you
can't go upstairs.
Gretchen can go anywhere.
- I can go anywhere!
- Yeah. I would just
personally really, really
appreciate it if you laid low.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm. Oh.
(MOANING CONTINUES)
Hmm. (HAMMERING)
I can probably make that work.
I have to finish this
pint of Bubble Cream.
Plus, I really need to find out
where this bang bus is headed.
They said they're going to San
Diego, but they just keep
driving around the same
neighborhood in the Valley.
Something is up.
Mmm. Gum?
MAN: Oh, yeah, baby, oh, yeah.
(MOANING CONTINUES ON COMPUTER)
(CHUCKLES, SIGHS)
Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst. Come on.
Right, she's acting really weird.
Like David Bowie in Labyrinth weird,
or like Kevin in We Need
to Talk about Kevin weird?
She's watching p*rn
fully clothed.
Kevin weird.
All right, that's it. I need
to get her out of the house.
Well, I could try to talk
to her, but Gretchen...
Oh, thank you, Edgar. I'll get
you something nice in return,
like an Olive Garden gift card
from that rack for poors at Rite Aid.
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
(KNOCKING)
Hey, Gretchen.
Hey yourself, you big stud!
Uh, I was just thinking.
It is such a beautiful day outside.
You know, just in case you...
wanted to get out of the house for...
Um...
I-I-I found a, um...
a discount ticket Web site that's full
of amazing cultural events.
There's Uterus the Musical at
Glendale Community College.
Huh? The El Capitan Theatre is showing
Pixar's Birds with a live show.
Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant
Dan Band are playing
the San Pedro Lobster Chomp!
I'm not leaving, Edgar.
(IN GUTTURAL VOICE): I'm staying here.
Forever.
For...
er...
ver...
(GUTTURAL UTTERANCE)
sh*t!
(PANTING)
(WHIMPERING)
(PANTING)
She's crazy, Jimmy.
How about I get my go bag
and we both just move
to the Safari Inn in Burbank?
- We can't do that.
- I've done it before.
One time we found a nest
of camel spiders on base,
so we packed up, hit the
entrance with a truck-b*mb,
and pretended the Taliban did it.
What were they gonna say?
CANDACE: We're almost
ready for you, Jimmy!
I cannot believe she'd
thr*aten my job like this.
Why isn't she at her job?
She's told her clients
she's in Europe.
Jimmy. That's compromising material.
Blackmail her.
- (GLASS SHATTERING)
- I'm out.
Save yourself.
(THUD, GROANS)
What?
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(WHISTLING)
(CLATTERING NEARBY)
Where's the box spring?
Down there.
Oh. Why the sad face, Puppy?
You still worried I'm coming
upstairs to nuke your interview?
No, because I have my own nuke.
It's a text to Slim,
sh*t-Show, and Honey Cake,
revealing that you are not in Europe.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Complete with a time-stamped photo.
Leave now or I will expose you
as the fraud you are.
Boom.
New rule,
no matter what happens,
we don't ruin profesh
sh*t for each other.
Truce?
Truce.
So, are we all good?
Oh, hold on.
(CLATTERING AND THUD)
Yeah, we're good.
Your lemon tree, on the other hand...
What?
(WHINING): Oh, Juicy.
Uh, she's not leaving,
but it's fine, this is fine.
You trust that she's
gonna stay down there?
I don't trust her to
drive a bumper car.
Don't screw me here.
I cannot jeopardize
my longstanding
relationship with People,
which dates back to when
they asked me for a quote
that Ben Affleck did deserve to
be 's Sexiest Man Alive,
even though, let's be honest,
it's like somebody put
Tom Brady's chin on Rachel Maddow.
Well, let's just say
that she and I have reached a détente.
Good boy.
Okay, we ready?
So, Genevieve, as you know,
the book release is next week,
and we're making a big
push at the Romance
and Erotica Book Expo.
- So this will time to drop with that.
- Yes, thanks.
So, Jimmy, what inspired your book?
The Width of a Peach was borne
of the sensual stories
I wrote as a boy.
See, Manchester was a harsh
place for a sensitive child
who managed to escape rat att*ck,
cholera, laudanum overdose,
and coming across an
unexploded German ordinance.
But armed with a notebook
and a piece of lead, I would
hide under the covers,
using language to express
my forbidden desires.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
What? Why am I awake?
Why were you asleep? It's
like : in the afternoon.
I was at my job till : a.m.
I did night work so long,
it turned into day.
(GROANS)
What happened to you?
I fell down the hill behind
Jimmy's... long story.
Basically, (SIGHS)
there's a real fubar
situation over there.
Did that round tweenager
show up begging again?
Just throw lemons at his belly
till he runs back to
his side of the block.
- Gretchen's there.
- What?!
And she's acting like a Japanese
ghost. It is so spooky.
God, I've been so
distracted at my job.
I thought Gretchen was in
Eagle Rock boning that hunk.
What hunk?
Some married guy. They hump in cars.
See, this is why we need
to start a group text.
I keep starting a chain
but no one responds.
You guys probably aren't getting
them because my phone's so old.
Yes. That's why no one's responding.
Anyway, I can't go back
into that crazy house.
It's triggering me.
It's like when Dad moved out and
no one told me, and then, one day,
there was a new guy living
in Mom's master suite.
You got to call Gretchen and
get her to leave Jimmy's,
but don't tell her I
told you she's there.
Obviously.
- (GRUNTS)
- (PHONE RINGING)
Hey, girl.
LINDSAY (SINGSONGY):
Hey. What you up to?
I just woke up and you weren't here,
so I thought, "Hey, where's
Gretchen?" And then I thought,
"Probably with that married
guy," and then I thought,
"Good one, Linds. You're not as stupid
as your swimming teacher
keeps saying you are."
Want to hang out?
Hang out where?
It depends where you are.
Like, you're not at
Jimmy's or anything?
- Too much.
- sh*t.
I'm at home.
- Where home?
- Here home.
- Where are you exactly?
- Linds...
I live with Jimmy, just like
I have for a long time.
But...
- I thought you lived here?
- What?
When did I live at your house?
You've been here for a few months.
Oh, Puppy, if I live at your house,
then where's all my stuff?
I don't know.
I thought...
You farted on my couch, right?
You're very tired.
I did night work for so long.
I know.
Get some sleep, sweetie.
Okay. Bye, Gretchen.
EDGAR: So... what did you learn?
I don't know what's real.
JIMMY: I write till : or : a.m.
At dawn, I make my way
down to the reservoir,
where the street vendors
hawk mangos y papayas.
From them, I draw both sustenance
and cultural inspiration.
Where's bitch?!
She's not here.
You texted us that she was here.
Now-now either you're lying
or MetroPCS is lying,
and I know MetroPCS ain't
got no angle here.
What? No. Uh, I was going to,
but I hit the blue
send-to-trash button.
And, clearly, I haven't used
my phone in a few months.
Listen, fellas, you have to vacate.
(WHISPERING): People
magazine's interviewing me.
No sh*t?
- Yo.
- Crossing.
The cover story you did on the
Hannah Montana reunion made me cry.
Billy Ray is so proud of Miley.
Thanks.
Who are you guys?
We really need a better publicist.
Speak of the bitch.
Crossing.
All right, see you in a bit, fellas.
♪ Her glance hits me like lightning ♪
♪ I heard that girl is
fast and frightening ♪
No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
You lied to us!
You have not been in Europe.
(WHINING): I was.
I just got back.
Honestly, Europe was a dream.
So many bicycles and castles.
One afternoon, in South Berlin,
I watched an old woman play harmonium
while a stray dog ate a cheese
sandwich out of my hand.
SAM: There are no
stray dogs in Berlin.
The animal welfare system is tight.
It was the old lady's dog.
What kind of cheese
was on that sandwich?
Resspelutchenbidenzer.
Bitch, we know you've been
here this whole time!
SHITSTAIN: Yeah, Jimmy texted us
and he ratted you out pretty hard.
Damn it, Jimmy!
You said you befriended
Fatboy Slim on our behalf.
Okay, guys, but think about
that... what does that even mean?
You are the worst...
And I mean worst...
Publicist I have ever met!
And my dad is friends
with Paul Manafort!
We needed you.
Do you even know what's
going on right now?
No.
You want to tell her?
- You tell her.
- Tell me what?
Turns out Zachary is years old!
(LAUGHS): Honey Nutz is ?
We can't have a -year-old in
the group! This is a crisis!
The other day he was freestyling
about how the Challenger expl*si*n
really messed him up,
and the truth came out.
We needed you,
and you were nowhere to be found!
You better have some
mind-blowing explanation
for lying to us, or we are
f*ring your ass for reals!
Hey. You guys don't even know
what happened with Jimmy, do you?
Uh-uh. No more lies, bitch.
God's truth, stick a needle in my eye.
(PATTING MATTRESS)
Okay.
Three months ago Jimmy
took me to this spot
above the Hollywood Bowl,
pretending we were looking
for m*rder clues.
GENEVIEVE: Who are your
favorite erotica authors?
Uh... see, there's a fine
line between erotica
and litera... (STAMMERING)
Um...
It's, uh...
Hmm.
(SIGHS)
♪ ♪
SHITSTAIN: You're a bad
person, Jimmy Shive-Overly.
(SAM CHUCKLES)
You dead, dude.
Okay. Ha-ha!
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Yeah, bye, fellas!
Okay. Uh, where were we?
Where were... um...
Oh, God, Lindsay. Does
this mean we're in charge?
I can't be in charge of anything.
I was in charge once in Iraq,
and it did not go well.
In fact, that was the last
time we did Secret Santa.
Maybe we could get them back together
while they're under the same roof!
I wish I'd thought of that when
Mom was breaking up with Uncle.
I could have Parent-Trapped
them that weekend in Solvang.
This is scary. Hold me.
- I'm getting all cranked up.
- Me, too, bud.
- Now, make my body feel good.
- Mmm.
What's more important,
characters or plot?
I think characters
are obviously...
- (FOOTFALLS APPROACHING)
- the essential...
Why don't we finish
this at a coffee shop?
Hi, sweetie.
Oh! Oh, don't mind me.
I am not here.
Hi. I'm Gretchen Cutler,
Jimmy's fiancée,
The future Mrs...
Is it Shive-Overly? (CHUCKLES)
Maybe we'll do one of
those hybrid names
the kids are getting into.
Cutler-y.
Shitler.
(LAUGHING)
GENEVIEVE: What's going on?
I just interviewed him for an
hour about his single life.
Single?
Why are they saying
you're single, Jimmy?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Okay. You're right.
- I have been acting crazy.
- Mm.
But what is it that
happened to us, exactly?
One,
you asked me to marry you.
Two, I said yes.
Three, you left.
And then four, you came back,
apologized, and I said it was fine.
Isn't that what happened?
Ye-Yes. Technically.
GRETCHEN: Which means we never stopped
being engaged.
We're still engaged, Jimmy, right?
Jimmy?
Uh, c... can you just
give us a second?
So, wait...
you haven't been punishing me
by taking over the bedroom
and refusing to leave?
I just wanted you to squirm a little.
But now I find out
you're supposed to be
single for the book?
Maybe I should move back out?
- Oh, don't. N...
- Well, how are we
gonna make this all work, then?
What if I wasn't single?
- Jimmy...
- What about
a writer who isn't single
and maybe makes mistakes?
Human ones. But at the end of the day,
his heart's in the right place.
Is... is there something
you could do with that?
I-It could be aspirational.
Everyone deserves love.
- That sounds very People.
- Yeah.
We could adjust our strategy.
It'll work.
I'm a publicist. You ever hear
of the one that goes,
"Courtney Love is smart now"?
- That was you?
- JIMMY: See, the honest truth is,
this book...
this is our love story.
And our story is chaotic,
but love is chaos.
And it's the only game
in town worth playing.
What do you think?
She can stay.
Can we get Gretchen miked?
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
Hi.
Hi.
(KNOCKING)
Oh, 'scuse me
(DOOR OPENS)
- Hi, Booner!
- Gretch, what's wrong?
- You said you had an emergency?
- Yup.
Uh, it's downstairs.
In the bedroom.
I'll show you.
Hello.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Shouldn't have texted the boys.
Mushroom cloud, bitch!
(IMITATES expl*si*n)
♪ ♪
(VIDEO GAME WEAPONS f*ring)
(DOOR OPENS)
Jimmy...
we have to talk.
We know you and Gretch are
going through a thing,
but it's messing with our brains.
Yeah, so there's something very
important we need you to hear.
BOTH: And-a one and-a two
and-a one, two, three and...
♪ There's one and one ♪
♪ And that makes two ♪
♪ But the two of you
are making us blue ♪
♪ So let's end the
fighting, let's have fun ♪
♪ And make two hearts
back into one... ♪
♪ Back into one ♪
(HOLDING LAST NOTES)
That was really beautiful.
Why don't you go downstairs
and sing it to Gretchen.
She's in the bedroom.
(VIDEO GAME WEAPONS f*ring)
LINDSAY (WHISPERS):
And-a one, and-a two,
and-a one, two, three.
- ♪ There's one and one... ♪
- (MOANING, GASPING)
(GRUNTING)
♪ I am alone ♪
♪ In this cold ♪
♪ After all ♪
We get two Christmases now.
♪ So hard ♪
♪ To hold back these tears ♪
04x05 - Fog of w*r, Bro
Watch/Buy Amazon
"You're the Worst" is centered on a self-involved writer and a self-destructive Los Angeles PR executive. These two toxic, self-destructive people fall in love and attempt a relationship.
"You're the Worst" is centered on a self-involved writer and a self-destructive Los Angeles PR executive. These two toxic, self-destructive people fall in love and attempt a relationship.