04x06 - There's Always a Back Door

[bunniefuu]

(BOONE MOANING)

(BOTH MOANING)

♪ ♪

(GRETCHEN GASPS, MOANS)

♪ Don't let space junk punch
holes in the wings... ♪

♪ ♪

(PANTING)

Hey. Uh, are you sure it's
okay that we're here?

Yeah. We have the house
to ourselves for hours.

Sure, but, uh, aren't you
worried about someone coming?

Yeah. Me.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- (BOONE GROANS LOUDLY)
- Oh. Oh, you were serious?

- Well, okay then.
- (BOONE MOANS, GRETCHEN LAUGHS)

(BOONE PANTING)

Sorry. Did you...?

Oh, yeah. I had the floor
a few minutes ago.

Yeah, remember when I yelled "Boomtown"?

- You're a weirdo.
- (LAUGHS)

- I'm gonna hop in the shower, okay?
- (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

(KNOB SQUEAKS, SHOWER RUNNING)

(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

_

(PHONE WHOOSHES)

♪ ♪

Amateur.

_

♪ ♪

So I was thinking...

Gretchen?

Someone break into the house
and take you hostage?

Did you tell them I've watched John Wick

and John Wick so many times?

(KEYS CLINKING)

(GASPS) Jesus!

You scared me.

Why are you in a towel?

Nothing. Just showering.

- Listen, I can explain.
- Shut up!

Damn it, Boone, I swear to God,
if it's one of my friends...

Just calm down. Let me speak.

- She still here?
- No. I mean, who?

(SIGHS) Whatever.

I don't even care.

Olivia! Come on!

Hey! Oh!

Hi, Daddy. Girl Scouts got cancelled.

- Aw.
- Did you get my Bitmoji?

I was going to send you one of poop,

but Mom said that was beneath me.

She's insane.

Mom, come watch me play piano.

I just learned "City of Stars."

Isn't that, like, four notes?

(PIANO PLAYING)

(PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

- Hi, Boone.
- Hey, Neil.

Nice Subaru.

- Thank you.
- Is it new?

- Yeah.
- I didn't know you were a lesbian now.

They are gonna love
your fat little tits.

See, this is exactly why

my therapist told me not to talk to you.

Oh.

Neil?

Neil? Neil?

Neil? Neil? Neil? Neil? Neil?

- What?!
- (MUTTERS)

- (LAUGHS) Ow!
- What, Boone?

I didn't mean it. No, don't you dare!

Stop! Stop it!

Mm... (WHIMPERS)

- Where are the locks on this thing?!
- Whoa. That's it.

- Damn it, let me go, you maniac!
- Aah!

- (SHOUTING)
- You are a child!

- Oh, get off of me!
- My d*ck's on your leg.

Oh, my d*ck's on your leg.

- No!
- My d*ck's on your leg!

- WHITNEY: See you tomorrow, honey!
- Oh.

(BOTH MEN PANTING, CHUCKLING)

See ya, buddy.

Sorry about your leg.

♪ ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

(LAUGHS) Yeah, okay, get this.

So we pull out to reveal
that the -Eleven...

- it's actually a / .
- Which is why

the Slurpee machines got
hit by little airplanes.

MAX: Oh.

I like it.

-Eleven, Building .

- Maybe there's something there?
- EDGAR: Oh, hell yeah,

- there's something there.
- You teach me every day.

I saw this video on YouTube...

Every day, you teach me.

Any calls?

No.

Got to tell my buddy Brent

- the good news about our sketch.
- Why?

He's my main dude.

So much of a best friendship

is supporting each other
through disappointments,

that you got to share the small,

good things just to balance it out.

Sounds like me and Carlos. Mencia.

- Oh.
- We ride our Ducatis

down PCH every Sunday, and
then we just chat for hours.

- Just talking?
- Mm-hmm.

This sounds weird to me for some reason.

It's because, as men, we're conditioned

to emotionally shut ourselves
off from each other.

It's why half of all
men die of loneliness.

Mm-hmm.

These relationships sound beautiful.

- I want that.
- Me, too.

I thought your roommate was
your main dude, the Australian.

Oh, Jimmy? Yeah.

But we don't have that kind
of relationship at all.

If your needs aren't being
met in the relationship,

you need to take a stand, bro.

Okay. I'm gonna do it.

I'm so proud of you, Edgar.

It's no Ducati, but,
uh, I have an old ATV

that's street legal if you and
Carlos ever want a third.

We do not.

Copy that.

Stupid-ass stoner.

So I'm tearing down the stairs

just as his wife is
walking up to the house.

(GASPS)

I have no way out,

but I remember there's a back door.

Mm, there's always a back door.

(GRETCHEN SIGHS)

I thought banging a hubby was hot,

but now that I almost came
face-to-face with his wife,

I don't know.

I feel slightly...

Ugh! What's the word?

It's like bad, but
involves other people.

- Carsick? Hard fart? m*rder?
- No.

The point is,

you like taking that "D"
on the reg, right, dawg?

- No diggity.
- Then enjoy that sh*t.

If this hubster's cheating on a frumpus

who masturbates with a
children's vibrator,

that's his problem. You do you.

You know what? You're actually right.

I know. Business has
made me hella smart.

Pass the sweet salt.

Plus, I have to admit,

it was pretty hot almost getting
caught banging in their bed.

_

- (PHONE WHOOSHES)
- So, what's up with you?

Not much. Now that
you're taking old d*ck,

I don't really have
anyone to party with.

What about your work
friends? They seem...

Yeah, they're cool.

Tara makes ugly metal art and
Jeff is a Halloween person,

but we're not really friends.

- How come?
- I don't know, I just feel like

when I'm at work, I need
to keep sh*t locked down.

Sounds like Work Lindsay sucks.

So, what you're saying is

I should just be myself, and
they'll want to be my friends?

(PHONE CHIMES, VIBRATES)

_

Uh, okay! Sounds great!

- Call you later.
- Have fun with that "D" for me.

Jimmy?

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

- Are you okay?
- Edgar, last night I had a revelation.

Gretchen clearly brought that
man home for my benefit.

I thought she brought him
home to have sex with him.

Aha.

That's what she wanted us to think.

I mean, they absolutely
did have sex. A lot.

The noises were highly disturbing.

And he's a screamer. But
then around : a.m.,

I realized it was a false flag.

They could have had sex
anywhere, so why here?

- Because she hates you?
- That's what I thought.

But then, around :
a.m., I realized, no,

it is because she loves me.

So I am not leaving this house

until I blow the lid off her ruse.

What about the book expo?
It's your book release.

- Staying here is far more important.
- Well,

it sounds like you have a lot going on

and just need a friend
to talk through it with.

Why don't we go get some steaks,
have a nice Cab, and...

- we can hash it out?
- I didn't start listening

until "steaks and Cab,"
but yes, very smart.

Edgar, you're not as
dumb as I think you are.

Thanks.

- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
- (COUGHING)

♪ En, en, en, engine off, windows up ♪

♪ That's the way I like to puff ♪

♪ Engine on, windows up... ♪

So, I'm at Coachella,

and Hozier kicks me out of his trailer,

and I'm already sore,

(CHUCKLES): and then
there's Father John Misty,

all cranked up and ready
to go, so I'm like,

all right, I guess we're doing this.

♪ Now, can you handle that ♪

♪ The way I drop it to the floor
and then I bring it back ♪

♪ I keep them boys I get from
over, you agree with that? ♪

♪ I'm so bad, I'm mean,
you know what I mean? ♪

♪ Or am I confusing? I
been noticing lately how ♪

♪ I don't think that you can
handle that, can handle that ♪

♪ Come on and make a move, or
don'tcha know just what to do? ♪

♪ I'm on fire... ♪

Are you done?

Item four.

(BOONE PANTING HEAVILY)

Nice sex moves.

You're pretty limber for an old guy.

And loud.

Can't you hang for a bit?

Oh.

Okay.

It's just...

I know we're both grown-ups, but...

I have some residual...

m*rder feelings.

Ugh!

I feel like it starts with a "G."

Gauche. Gout?

- Guilt?
- That sounds wrong.

Guilt.

Yeah.

Guilt.

I have guilt on Olivia.

I don't feel like I'm using it right.

(SIGHS)

She texted you yesterday.

That's why I bailed.

Sorry for snooping.

- I'm a stinker.
- It's my fault.

I've been trying to
keep her out of this.

- Do you love her?
- Of course I love her.

Then aren't you worried
about having to face her

knowing we just had sex in her house?

(GROANS) Why'd you bring that up?

I'm just trying to be real, dude.

I mean... not to be gross,

but at some point she's gonna come home,

get in bed, and what, lie in it?

- Jesus, Gretchen!
- What?

She is. She's gonna lie right in it.

- No, she isn't.
- She sleeps here with you, doesn't she?

- I mean, every now and then.
- Enough to keep her toys here.

- What?!
- I found one of her toys yesterday.

So? They're all over the
house. What does that

- have to do with anything?
- I don't know!

I'm just not thrilled about the
idea of getting into your bed

and seeing Olivia's pubes everywhere.

She doesn't have pubes!

And I just said that.

Wow! Okay.

You know what? Forget it!

I shouldn't have said anything!

Where's your other bathroom?

Just out there! You psycho!

Psycho you!

(KNOBS SQUEAK, SHOWER RUNNING)

♪ ♪

So, you see, this can only mean

that her levels of anger
are accelerating.

She went from pure rage to
sex revenge in record time.

Our inevitable reunion can't be far off.

- This sounds like an uncert...
- Plus, a family of raccoons

has taken residence in the box spring

Gretchen jettisoned into the yard,

so that's a dangerous wild card.

Why do you think she did that?
Like, I wonder if there's some

- deeper meaning...
- And Book Lady can't seem to understand

why I must stay here

and forgo The Romance
and Erotica Book Expo.

God, that's a bad name.

You'd think a room full of
writers could do better.

- Oh, well...
- Where the hell is our waiter?

This mediocre Nebbiolo
isn't gonna refill itself.

What are you doing?

Jimmy, I've got to say something here.

We've lived together for...

what, four years now?

Hey, no. Look at me. Jimmy.

Look at me.

- I care about you.
- VERNON: Jimmy!

What's up, ladies?

Oh, thank God.

Vernon and... Paul?

Why do you look so...

like that?

Generally: Men's Rights Activism.

Specifically: Signaling.

Tells people I have my sh*t together.

I cuss now.

Sorry, guys, but we
were just in the middle

- of something.
- Yeah, Bec forbade me

from ever seeing him again.

You know, on account
of loyalty and junk.

So, one day we're both online,

playing League of
Legends, and I realized

I miss the little cuck.

Reformed cuckold.

Hey, why don't you two join us?

Wait, but we were just starting...

Hell, yeah, four-way bro-down?

We look like the poster
from Rounders. So tight!

Excuse me.

- Yes?
- I'll have a vodka soda.

And no, I'm not trying to r*pe you.

(WAITRESS SIGHS IN DISGUST)

Mmm.

A little boy and a pedophile
are walking in the woods.

The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared."

So the pedophile says,

"You're scared? I have
to walk back by myself."

Oh, my God.

I know. (LAUGHS)

He has a kid!

No, Gretchen, he k*lled the kid.

That's the joke.

No. Boone. He has a daughter!

Ooh!

I was just starting to be
okay with the wife thing.

Now I have to be okay
with him having a kid?

No. No. Gretch, some
ding-dong wife is one thing,

but a kid, that's way too much drama.

But... now that he has a kid,

isn't it like he's
even more unavailable?

- No!
- Okay, but just hear me out.

- No. No! No, no. No.
- Oh. Oh...

- (GRUNTS)
- All right!

Jesus! I won't!

But what if I try to
end it and he cries,

and then I...

Oh, never mind. No one
ever fights for me.

Hey, how's the...

"making friends with your
coworkers" thing going?

Great. I'm totally being
myself. They love it.

You missed my Chris Rock impression.

Seen it. Hey.

Does Carl have anything
good in the fridge?

Homemade lasagna from
his mom. It's amazing.

But there's only one
piece left, so hurry.

(ROCK STRIKES WINDOW)

Why are you throwing rocks at my house?

I can't see you anymore.

'Cause I just talked to my friend,

who once dated a Romanian
gymnastics coach,

and even she thinks this is a bad idea.

Anyway, I just wish you'd
told me you had a kid.

I did. We just had a whole
conversation about her.

No, we talked about your wife.

I'm not married. When did
we talk about my wife?

First of all, you told
me about your wedding

the day that we met. And second of all,

we just talked all about
her, like four hours ago.

First of all, people get divorced.

And second of all, I was
talking about my daughter,

Olivia, who's awesome.

My ex-wife's name is Whitney, who sucks.

So this whole time...

you're not married?

- No.
- Then why have we been sneaking around

and boning in hotels and cars and sh*t?

Because it was sexy and exciting.

Wait. You thought I was married

and you were just cool with it?

It was sexy and exciting.

Why'd you want me to
be married so badly?

Because with a married dude,
there's no future in it.

Ouch.

You know what?

This is all just too much right now.

Sorry.

(DOOR SQUEAKS AND CLOSES)

Exactly.

Just one cigarette.

PAUL: Men work harder,

men die earlier.

But do we worry about
men's health? (LAUGHS)

Did you know that %
of domestic v*olence

- is woman on man?
- Absolutely not true.

I can't believe I haven't
seen you in three months.

Gretchen was on the pod talking mad sh*t

the other day that you proposed to her

and then bailed, but I know
that couldn't be right.

- No, that's accurate.
- So epic!

So, Jimmy's actions are vilified,

and yet Julia Roberts's antics
in Runaway Bride are delightful

and quirky... Nauseating.

Hey, Jimmy. You want to go
somewhere and get a real drink?

- Continue our conver...
- Edgar.

I was being deliberately obtuse before,

- but I know what you're doing.
- You do?

You're trying to deepen
our relationship,

become more intimate.

Yes, exactly.

- I'm so happy you...
- Edgar, look at me.

From the bottom of my heart,

this thing you want between us,

is never ever going to happen.

I truly appreciate the
effort, but no thank you.

(LAUGHS, SNORTS)

Screw you, Jimmy.

Anyway,

I'm not proud of my cowardly behavior,

so I'm biding my time whilst
Gretchen punishes me.

To tell you the truth,

it's massively painful to
see her with someone else.

I gave myself a hernia crying so hard

after one of Lindsay's sessions.

That's really rough, Jimmy.

Thanks.

Aw, you guys.

Edgar was right.

Male bonding can be enjoyable.

It's too bad he left
before things got deep.

- Actually, I'm having a hard time
- (PHONE CHIMES)

with Becca lately.

She's been, uh...

Bye.

Cool.

Whatever.

Hey.

Let's go run game on some
creep-shaming lezzies.

Well,

there's a couple of Clydesdales

that need shoeing.

(GRUNTS)

- (WOMAN GASPS)
- (LAUGHS AND SNORTS)

(TYPING)

(SIGHS)

Hey, guys. Want to grab

- a drink or something?
- Oh, can't.

I'm on a strict early
agrarian sleep cycle.

JEFF: Man, I could really use
one, but I got band practice.

I'm already late.

Hey, you were funny today.

TARA: Yeah. Jeff told me your pedo joke.

Hysterical.

Thanks.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(MAN SINGING KARAOKE NEARBY)

♪ And you know I like your style ♪

♪ Yeah, you know I like your style and ♪

♪ All the jewelry ♪

♪ And the platinum ♪

♪ Don't move me ♪

♪ I'm a real one ♪

♪ They all like my style ♪

♪ And, yeah, I know you like my style. ♪

Jimmy sucks.

I just wish I had someone I
could really connect with.

Right?

It's like, no one gets me.

Peanut shell?

I went to the circus for lunch.

(BOTH LAUGH)

See? I just want to have
stupid fun like this

- with my dumb coworkers.
- I know.

Why is it so hard to find
someone to get close with?

You dropped something.

(MAKES FARTING SOUND)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Ow.
- Oh.

♪ If you want to go
away from your shell ♪

♪ To free yourself, finally
get out of your cell ♪

♪ You said there's a place
where you used to hide ♪

♪ Where no one ever asks
what you got on your mind ♪

♪ You said it's ♪

♪ Take me for a ride ♪

♪ Take me by your side,
take me with you ♪

♪ Take me for a ride ♪

♪ Take me by your side,
take me with you ♪

♪ Take me for a ride ♪

♪ Take me by your side,
take me with you ♪

♪ Take me for a ride,
take me by your side ♪

♪ Take me with you. ♪

Whatcha doin'?

I told myself that if you came out

and asked me to stay, I would.

It's just, I've never had anyone
fight for me and I thought:

maybe someone would someday. (SNIFFLES)

Maybe that's a thing I'm deserving of.

But then I thought, "Hey,

maybe you just don't give people
a chance to fight for you."

So I thought I'd give you a couple
cigarettes' worth of a chance.

Oh, my God.

(SIGHS)

(FLATLY): Don't go, Gretchen.

You fought for me.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You want to stay over?

Olivia went with Whitney

to Neil's French horn recital.

I hate him so much.

Sure.

Wait.

Whose vibrator did I find
in the bedside table?

Mine.

Oh.

Oh...

♪ And I heard you're moving on ♪

♪ On to someone new ♪

♪ I don't blame her ♪

♪ At all ♪

♪ Sitting wide awake ♪

♪ In a crowded space ♪

♪ I know that I can make it ♪

♪ Find myself just thinking of you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

Candace.

Listen, I've changed my
mind about the expo.

I'll, um...

I-I'll see you Sunday.

♪ And he becomes the man ♪

♪ That I could never be ♪

♪ And if I could do it different ♪

♪ I never would have let you go ♪