(SNORING)
(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
(SNORING CONTINUES)
Oh...
Morning, Jimmy.
I know you're asleep,
but I just wanted to say our
talk last night really...
(JIMMY SNORING)
It really was just... so unexpected.
And I know we didn't say anything,
- but this morning I'm feeling...
- (SNORING LOUDLY)
Okay! Never mind.
♪ ♪
LINDSAY: What are you
smiling about over there,
like some sort of gooneybird?
Jimmy and I fell asleep
on the phone last night.
Awesome. So, do you think
we'll be in the same homeroom
together next year?
I know. It was just really... nice.
Does that mean you're back
riding that yogurt tube?
I don't know.
We'll see, I guess.
Well, what are you going to do about it?
I'm not really a "do something
about stuff" kind of person.
I'm more of a "it's too
late to buy a wedding gift,
so I'll just stop being friends
with them" kind of person.
Cool. Well, that story finished dumb.
Anyway.
It all ends today, Gretch.
Becca ruined my life,
and she needs to know
how much damage she's caused me.
And then I'm gonna punch
that stupid bitch
in her stupid bitch face.
Ooh, I should probably take these off.
Hooker fights dirty.
GRETCHEN: Okay, let
me just press record.
Before you hit her, I'm
gonna yell, "Worldstar."
Oh, wait. Is it after?
We'll sh**t it both ways.
Lindsay!
Mom?
Worldstar!
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
PARROT (ON TV): Rest in
peace, Penny the Penguin.
I never thought you'd jump.
PARROT : She finally flew. If
only for one or two seconds.
Dude, are you sure Birds is for kids?
That's the second su1c1de
and they haven't even
left the island yet.
When Doug assigned us to parody
this movie, I don't think
- he realized how depressing it is.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
Well, I have some highly exciting news.
The Width of a Peach is a bestseller!
It is number seven on
Amazon's Erotica list,
number five on Amazon's Erotica
subcategory Historical Romance list,
and number one on Amazon's
Erotica subcategory
Historical Romance
subcategories, World w*r II,
UK and Family Fun.
That is so great!
I really hope you allow yourself
to enjoy this special time.
Oh, Jimmy.
This is Max.
We're co-writers at Doug Loves Sketches.
Bro, you missed a sick
party here last night.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, I-I wouldn't call it a party.
It was more like a meeting.
With balloons.
Oh, stop. I know all about it.
I talked to Gretchen on
the phone last night.
It was just like old
times. Easy. Natural.
We caught up, we joked about
the many hilarious tragic ends
which may have befallen Killian.
And then, we fell asleep
on the phone together.
Like lovers.
I don't want to get ahead of myself,
Edgar and other person, but...
I think the door is opening.
You have to tell him.
I don't want to tell him.
- Bro.
- Bro.
- Bro?
- Bro.
- Bro.
- Bro!
Tell me what?
Gretchen brought Boone
to the party last night.
Oh.
And his daughter Olivia. So cute.
Wise, you know? How some
kids just look wise?
Like, there's something in
their eyes that lets you know
they get it, man.
Like, you can just rap to
them, like people, you know?
What?
Hey, where's your friend?
So, when my agent called about the role
on ABC's Man in the
Middle, I was so excited.
You know, I'm playing a grandmother,
which is a wink-wink to
the audience, of course,
because as if that were possible.
(LAUGHING)
Oh. Hello, Lindsay.
Did your apartment get taken
over by pigeons again?
Thanks for telling me Mom was coming.
Of course she would visit
Tallulah, my baby,
- that I actually had.
- (TALLULAH CRIES)
VERNON: Hey, can someone
take her for a little while?
I'm doing an all-night shift
and I'm running on fumes.
I got these pills they use to
wake people up from comas,
but now I can hear my blinks.
Hey! I had her, you watch
her. That was the deal.
Besides, my mommy's visiting me.
Oh, you know, that reminds me...
Vernon, I received a
welcome bag from the show,
and I thought you might want this.
A real-life Bluetooth speaker! No way!
So sick!
Hope you like Sublime.
Mommy, I'm so happy you're here.
Guess what I'm doing now.
- I...
- Sometimes when I just look around
at the life I've made,
my husband, my baby,
my beautiful house...
Your total estimated
worth of zero dollars.
Your associate's degree in fitness.
VERNON: (WHOOPS) This kid
just dropped a major dook.
I am talking a post Homestyle
Buffet widowmaker.
- Oh, my...
- Mom, I'm a stylist now.
I read a really long book.
I bought a new underwear.
I have a gay friend.
- I tricked a dog!
- Girls!
Girls, you don't have to
compete for my attention.
I'm never gonna tell you
which one I like better.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, you haven't seen the nursery yet.
I am your favorite, though, right?
Let's just go.
You can't just let her win.
This is important to you.
Plus I didn't get my Worldstar video.
You're doing this.
Thanks, Gretch.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- You've always been such a good...
Hey! What's up?
Ooh. Really? (GIGGLES)
Yeah.
Camping sounds fun.
Um, let me just check my schedule.
Okay. Bye.
(SIGHS)
Faye's the best, isn't she?
Did you check out that dope
speaker she gaffled for me?
Seriously, how effing cool is she?
Calm down. You're sweating.
Sorry.
I've had a major bone
for Faye Cottumaccio
since her old Cinemax movies.
Then I discovered Bec has
these old home vids.
Faye looks so hot in them.
You want to check one out?
What's up? I'm getting kind of
de-cranked by your bummer vibes.
Apparently Olivia is begging for
me to go camping with them.
I told Boone we could go down a road.
And now we are, and I'm just not
sure it's the right move for me.
Duck him. When I get a code
blue and I don't want to go,
I just fake diarrhea and
hide in the morgue.
Or... I could let the
universe decide for me,
that way nothing's ever my fault?
Look, it sucks, but more often than not,
the key to interpersonal
bullroar is simple:
you need to communicate
with the other dingus.
(SIGHS) You're right.
I'm just gonna talk to Boone
face-to-face and tell him
I'm not ready for this.
My titty-sucking therapist told me
I should be honest with my feelings.
Yes, this like how I
keep telling everyone
how dangerously exhausted I am,
so that eventually someone...
Yeah, I'm just gonna text him.
PARROT: I told you, I don't
want to talk about Penny
the Penguin anymore... she
went to the aviary in the sky
I just want to get this straight.
Gretchen has the nerve
to bring that geriatric
and his filthy spawn into my
home and then call me to chat?!
Like lovers?
Fam, Fam, what you need to do
is get your mind off this girl
and just get out there
and bang someone, Fam.
Yeah, maybe that works for a
bro-y man-child like yourself,
but I am a novelist,
and an empath,
thus, have a heightened sensitivity
to the pain of others.
If I were to use someone
and make them feel bad,
that, in turn, would make me feel bad.
Why would you make her feel bad?
Two people can want something
from each other, and both get it,
- and part ways happy.
- (SPUTTERS)
That's ridiculous.
Happiness is a finite commodity.
You have to steal it from people.
And I'm just... I'm not
the kind of person
who would mistreat someone like that.
Edgar! Can you blow
your nose or something?
There's a faint whistle
every time you breathe.
A faint whistle every time I breathe?
Listen, find a girl who's down and out,
take her for a fancy meal and a
little compelling conversation,
and then drop some ropes on her face.
You get laid, she learns
what truffle fries are.
Well...
there is someone I know
who fits that bill.
- Katherine.
- Mm.
She was the saddest girl in Manchester.
She moved to L.A. only
to work as a waitress
at The Fox and Hounds.
Bro, you take her to République,
my boy Eli will hook you up
with that dank sparkling rosé.
Or better yet, invite
her here and wow her
with my architecturally
significant house,
that also contains... what?
A bed!
For dropping the aforementioned ropes.
Great! So, when next I come upstairs,
- you two will be gone.
- Ah, but we have to finish
this movie for work.
I don't care. Go to... his.
Ooh, can't. I ordered a
bunch of oysters off Amazon
and forget them in my mud room, so...
Well, then go... go watch at Lindsay's.
(GASPS) She does have tons
of boxed mac and cheese.
Macki and cheesy! Yum town!
- Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
- (LAUGHS)
Does anyone actually
find that endearing?
I cannot imagine so.
No.
PARROT: After Penny
d*ed, things were never
the same between me and Alan.
I always said I'd call him
tomorrow... who knew that one day
tomorrow would be the day he
got sucked into a jet engine?
- (SEVERAL SOBBING ON TV)
- (SIGHS HEAVILY)
Well, it's gonna be tough to
make this one into a ride.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Yes! I'm starving.
Edgar?
- R...
- Yeah, buddy!
Comida Argentina, por
favor. Mi mas gusta.
Oh, thanks a lot.
(MUMBLES)
It's nice to see you, Ricky.
What was that about?
Pretending you don't know me?
I helped you bury that camel.
Oh, I-it's just that I... I
don't tell everyone right off
about my combat experience.
They-they see you in a certain way.
Oh, yeah.
Not that I wouldn't.
He's a really cool guy.
No, no, no, I get it.
Mm, you don't want him
to see you like some messed-up vet.
Oh...
Like me.
No.
No, Ricky, I...
(SIGHS)
- Mmm...!
- Delivery foul.
Dude forgot your chimichurri
for your steak.
Aw, no, it's okay. I don't need it.
Bro, it's his job, okay? I got this.
(SOFT, ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Katherine.
Wow. You look shockingly presentable.
Um, thanks. Good to see you.
Please, come in.
♪ ♪
KATHERINE: Oh.
I know what you're going to ask.
Who designed this breathtaking home?
It's a Schindler, actually.
It's very quaint.
You know, I hesitated to call you,
but as I was recently reminded,
there is nothing wrong with two
people going into something
eyes wide open, each wanting
to get something out of it.
- Okay.
- Even if one person
demonstrably has far less
to offer than the other.
- That makes sense.
- I've prepared
some of my favorite
hors d'oeuvres for us.
This here...
duck pâté.
Don't ask what it is; just enjoy it.
(CHUCKLES)
Are you thirsty? Would
you like a drink?
I'd like you to try a
very special scotch.
It's called Laga-vul-in.
, as in that is how old this is.
Sorry, I just can't
do Lagavulin anymore.
Do you have any Japanese
single malts? Like Hibiki ?
Kendrick Lamar introduced
me to it when I was doing
the deal for his line
of bulletproof hats.
Wait. (SNICKERS) Hold
on. What's happening?
I thought... I thought you
worked at The Fox and Hounds.
Uh, when I was .
But you know I'm an
entertainment lawyer now?
Come on, Jimmy.
You can tell me.
Whose house is this?
- This is my home.
- Okay. How much do you need?
You're not the first person from
home to call me out of the blue
and hit me up for money.
No, I...
I don't need money.
I'm a... I'm a bestselling novelist.
You don't know?
Well, then I'm not that much
higher status than you.
How are you higher status than me?!
(LAUGHS): Oh!
Jimmy, you chav!
(LAUGHING)
Hey. What was that name we
used to call you back home?
Oh, oh, I remember... Mouse
Boy and Jizz Magnet.
What was the other one?
Shitty Jimmy.
(LAUGHING): That was it. Shitty Jimmy!
(GASPS) Oh, my God,
I can still remember the song.
♪ Shitty Jimmy ♪
♪ Look at Shitty Jimmy ♪
♪ Shitty Jimmy with his
little shitty... ♪
Wha...? ♪ With his little shitty ♪
♪ Little, li... ♪ What was it? Come on.
Come on, what was it? Come on.
♪ With his little shitty face. ♪
Yes! ♪ With his little shitty face. ♪
Ha! Shitty Jimmy!
♪ Shitty Jimmy with his
little shitty face, whoo! ♪
Okay, I texted him.
"Hey. I'm just not sure
I'm ready for camping.
Hope that's okay."
Look at you... telling
someone what you need.
_
Yeah, that'd be fine.
BECCA (LAUGHS): And I was like,
"Sorry you got triggered
Snowflakes. Go back to
your 'safe space.'"
Look, Mommy.
An important Los Angeles
magazine did a piece
on my boss, Priscilla, and you
could see me in the background
with some work friends.
(LAUGHS) "Friends"?
That's why not of them showed
up at your divorce party.
FAYE: Well, that's rude.
I've been hundreds of parties
for people I don't like.
Bob Baliban. Heather Locklear.
- (SIGHS): Ooh.
- Stevie Wonder.
He can see, you know.
FAYE: Okay. I have to go
- get ready for Piloxing.
- Oh!
(LAUGHS)
Listen, you backstabbing suck-butt,
my entire life you have been nothing
but a source of underminery
and hurtful, bitchy faces.
- Oh...
- I am not a real person,
and it's all your fault.
So, Becca,
my only sister...
we are officially through.
You're... seriously gonna stand there,
probably softly farting
as usual, and blame me
for your life being an actual / ?
I had the same challenges
growing up, and look at me.
I'm living in a real
house with real friends
- who aren't disgusting monsters...
- Hey!
And I'm married to a successful doctor.
Blame me for your life? Uh-uh.
Sorry, peaches.
You can try and blame other people,
but, like the actual / ,
you did it to yourself.
(GASPS)
Ow!
(GRUNTS)
Oh, you want a titty twist?
- I'll show you a titty twist!
- Ow!
- You don't want none of this!
- I'm the titty twist champion!
Bitch, I will spray your milk
all over this g*dd*mn room!
Give me a tit, and I'll twist it raw!
- It's gonna be like a dairy.
- FAYE: Girls.
- (SHOUTING CONTINUES)
- Girls!
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t! Don't stop yet!
FAYE (OVER SPEAKER): Well,
Officer, if you're gonna
search the place, I suggest you start
under my sweater.
- (SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
- (FAYE LAUGHING)
Am I talking?
Vernon!
Oh, sh*t!
Vernon, your dumb speaker is
blasting filth all over the house!
- Turn that off!
- (FAYE MOANING OVER VIDEO)
Is that...
Mommy?!
G-Get out of here!
Jesus, I'm busy! I'm...
(GASPS) Oh, man, them boobies.
(MOANING LOUDLY)
(LINDSAY LAUGHING)
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
(LINDSAY LAUGHING)
Worldstar!
Okay. I'm off to Equinox.
I just wanted Mom to think I
had everything figured out.
I didn't want her to know
that we have no money!
And that I'm married to a
talking penis in a clown wig!
(SOBBING)
My life is sh*t.
(SOBBING)
Why do you think I go through a c...
a case of Kendall-Jackson a week?
(SNIFFLES)
(SOBBING)
We're both messed up.
Who's L.D.P.?
(LAUGHS) Lou Diamond Phillips.
He played La Bamba.
Mom dated him for, like, three years.
- He was the best.
- La Bamba?
(YOUNG FAYE LAUGHS IN VIDEO)
YOUNG FAYE (ON TV): I can't
get this bikini to stay on.
Aftershock.
Okay, well, how about
if two pelicans agree
to fill their beaks with rocks
and jump into the ocean?
That's not a parody.
They actually did that in the movie.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
It's open!
Hope this is really delicious.
I had to pass up three
gigs to come back.
Thanks for that.
Sorry.
Hey, did you know me and Edgar
served in Iraq together?
Oh, yeah.
Apparently he's real embarrassed
for people to know that he's a vet.
I guess he thinks he's better than me.
But he ain't sh*t.
Never was.
You know what?
Why don't you come over here
and spread this chimichurri
sauce on my steak for me?
(SCOFFS)
Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.
(LAUGHS) You spread
that chimichurri on my steak,
this is yours and you
get a five star rating.
You don't...
you get nothing and I give you one star.
I don't care either way, 'cause
bucks don't mean sh*t to me.
Oh, damn.
(CHILDREN SHOUTING IN VIDEO)
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
Tag, you're it!
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Mom!
YOUNG FAYE (ON TV):
Kids, please, please,
get out of the frame, kids.
Get out of the frame, kids!
Thanks. (CLEARS THROAT)
Faye Cottumaccio reading
for the role of Marsha.
Mr. Belvedere, did the agency send you?
Have you guys noticed a pattern?
It was the ' s, Gretch.
You put some triangles and
squiggly lines on a shirt
and called it fashion.
(LINDSAY CHUCKLES)
Your mother is completely
neglecting you in all these tapes.
- Mom! Mom!
- GRETCHEN: She doesn't give a sh*t
about anything you're doing.
- Holy sh*t.
- You're right.
It's Mom's fault you turned out
to be a giant toddler with boobs
and I drink a touch too
much here and there.
I am sorry, Becca.
Me, too.
We should tell her we're the
ones who need a break from her.
BECCA: What's the point?
She'll just start crying and
tell us how she got the clap
from the sound guy on Trapper John, M.D.
Bec.
- Wha...?
- The only way our lives
are going to get fixed is
if we fix them ourselves.
You're right.
She is.
Yo, do you guys mind leaving for a bit?
I need some sleep.
I closed my eyes to
sneeze a little while ago
and I woke up eight minutes later.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
(KATHERINE LAUGHING)
What about when we locked
you in the school basement
and we wouldn't let you out
until you put your little
willy through the keyhole?
(KATHERINE LAUGHS)
It was so tiny.
- Well, it's not anymore.
- (LAUGHING)
It's bigger now.
And guess what?
You just blew your chance
at ever seeing it.
Oh! Oh, Jimmy!
Did you think we might shag?
(LAUGHS)
All right.
That's it! I think we're done here.
This was a complete waste of time.
I got nothing out of this utter debacle!
Me, neither.
Do you promise it got bigger?
(MOANING, GRUNTING)
(FAINT GRUNTING)
♪ She was a shark smile
in a yellow van ♪
♪ She came around and I stole a glance ♪
♪ In my youth, a vampire ♪
♪ Evelyn shown quiet as roses sting ♪
♪ It came over me at a bad time... ♪
Damn it.
♪ But who wouldn't ride
on a moonlit line? ♪
♪ Had her in my eye ♪
♪ down the road of a dead-end gleam ♪
♪ And she said, "Woo"... ♪
Seriously, what is wrong with me?
(PANTING)
♪ And I said, "Woo" ♪
04x09 - Worldstar!
Watch/Buy Amazon
"You're the Worst" is centered on a self-involved writer and a self-destructive Los Angeles PR executive. These two toxic, self-destructive people fall in love and attempt a relationship.
"You're the Worst" is centered on a self-involved writer and a self-destructive Los Angeles PR executive. These two toxic, self-destructive people fall in love and attempt a relationship.