04x11 - From the Beginning, I Was Screwed

[bunniefuu]

GRETCHEN: I don't get it.
What's international night?

BOONE: It's this thing we do with Olivia

to broaden her palette. You
and she each pick a country,

you do a little presentation on it,

I pick the winner, and we
order food from there.

- Ugh. Homework?
- BOONE: Oh, my God.

Just pick France, wear
a beret, say a fact,

- and you're done.
- Okay.

I'll do your stupid report.

And afterwards, I'm gonna suck

- all the skin off your d*ck, like I'm...
- Ah!

Speaker phone! Child in the kitchen!

Hi, guys.

Not that we don't value listening

to you describe fellatio

so graphically that I
just got vomit saliva,

but what are we doing here?

You guys said you wanted to
diversify your audience, right?

Trying to get that "shower with
the LED mood-lighting" money.

Which is why I want to introduce
you to a client of mine

who's looking to collaborate.

His name is Ben Folds.

Ben Folds? You mean that Billy
Joel, Harry Potter-looking dude?

Yes. He is huge with college
educated, affluent white people.

If you guys did a song
together, it would be massive.

I don't want to just
throw out the phrase,

"Plays over the Grey's Anatomy
credits," but, yeah, that.

Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're in.

You guys are gonna love
him, and I will be there

to make sure everything goes smoothly.

Ben!

This is Sam and Shitstain.

Guys, this is Ben.

- Hey, guys.
- SHITSTAIN: Hey.

Really good to meet you.

This is a really nice place.

You think they serve alcohol?

Uh, yeah.

I-I think so.

- Hey, could we get some alcohol?
- Sure.

GRETCHEN: I'll just have
whatever your whiskey drink is.

Ooh, that sounds amazing.

Yeah, I'll have one, too.

Damn, you must be thirsty as sh*t.

It's just that back in North Carolina,

there are all these regulations
on hours and distributors,

and we definitely don't have
your crazy mixed drinks

like you have out here.

I mean, basil in gin?

Your taste buds are
like, "What the heck?"

GRETCHEN: (LAUGHS) Anyway, Ben,

these guys are really
excited about the idea

- of collaborating.
- Oh, look.

I've been a huge fan
since "p*ssy On Swole."

I mess around with it in
sound check all the time.

(IMITATES b*at)

♪ Girl got p*ssy ♪

♪ On swole, uh ♪

♪ She makin' me crabby ♪

♪ Uh, I want her heart ♪

♪ And I want her soul ♪

♪ And them titties ♪

♪ Them titties ain't shabby. ♪

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Damn, dude. That's tight.

Yeah, I like that sh*t. Okay, okay.

Why don't we link up at the
studio tomorrow night,

and lay something down?

Let's do it.

Whoa, look at all that alcohol.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun. ♪

Oh, I guess you're having one, too.

So, what's the big news?

Jimmy, The Width of a Peach

is number

on The New York Times

Best Seller list for Mass-Market,

Paperback Fiction.

- What?!
- (CANDACE LAUGHS)

This is amazing!

I have to admit, I tried to act

like making the Amazon list
wasn't a massive disappointment,

but let's face it, it's like
winning a Daytime Emmy.

You're burnt, Ellen.

So, we have to ride the
momentum. There's Harry,

with Harry Connick Jr.,
very big with women.

Watch What Happens Live, women and gays.

- (GROANS)
- The People's Choice Awards,

women, gays, teens,
plus general dummies.

- Ugh.
- I can read you the loser suggestions.

Uh, let's see. Tomorrow
night is Tip of My Tongue,

an NPR game show for dweebs,
hosted by Steeb Corniglia.

Steeb Corniglia loves me.

Impressing him would be the ideal way

to show that I can write a hot w*nk*r

and still have the respect
of a noted literary critic.

Book me on that show.

- (LINDSAY SIGHS)
- (DOOR CLOSES)

I didn't exactly know what you meant by

"grab work clothes from France."

Are you fake going to Paris again?

No, it's just for this dumb thing

I'm doing with Boone tomorrow.

An Eiffel Tower?

Jealous. Who's your third?

But I'm gonna see you afterwards
at Jimmy's radio thingy, right?

I don't want to go,

but I'm supposed to be
helping people right now,

like Lou Diamond Philips told me to.

What radio thingy?

"Please join me tomorrow night

for a live taping of
NPR's Tip of My Tongue.

You can laugh at my delightful jokes

and whatever hilariously tragic look

Steeb has concocted for the evening."

Oh!

I could help Steeb not look so tragical.

I'm full of good clothes ideas.

I'm like an armoire, but I'm a people.

Want me to see if I can get you in?

Jimmy didn't invite me. Nah, nephew.

I'm doing international
night with Boone.

What's international night?

More boring dad sh*t?

Don't be sleeping on dads.

Dads know how to bang down real good,

on account of they pregged
up a bitch before.

That tracks.

(WITH FRENCH ACCENT): Ooh, la, la.

Happy French day, Booner.

(BOTH MOAN)

Kuwait seeks OPEC oil cuts.

Ah. Okay, um...

(GROWLS)

Well, if you Ku-wait

on producing that oil,

I'll sleep like I-raq.

(LAUGHS)

I remember my first time in Kuwait.

It was degrees, which sounds bad,

but actually, the pools of blood were...

Eject! (CLEARS THROAT) Right, so,

we have covered current
events, historical limericks,

quirky human interest.

I think Steeb and his listeners
are gonna be blown away

by what's on the tip of my tongue.

- What is it?
- What's gonna be on there?

It-it's jokes.

- Oh. I get it.
- Oh, yeah. Right, yeah.

- Jokes. Jokes.
- Yeah, right.

You want a little insurance?

Explain, Edgar's friend.

You have a plant in the crowd

shout out a lame, prepared heckle

that you have a great comeback for.

It's called a "Mencia."

Isn't Vernon gonna be there?

- He'll do it.
- Great idea.

I'm sorry Jimmy isn't
a good friend to you.

Hey, I'll always listen to
anything you have to say.

- Thanks, man. That means a lot.
- Mm-hmm.

But...

I'm not really great about opening up.

Why don't you tell me what you
were gonna tell Jimmy earlier,

but he didn't let you?

Okay.

Well, um...

You see, I was stationed in Kuwait

before moving into Anfal.

And Anfal, it's known for
its architecture, right?

No, its genocide. So there we were,

three klicks south of
Ali Sabah Al-Salem...

- (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
- (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

WOMAN: Check. One, two, check.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

VERNON: Jimmy!

So stoked to be here.

Truth be told, I've been
on for straight hours,

and I'm kind of seeing a lot
of spiders made out of light.

But I'm good to go.

I got a Camelback full of
Casamigos and Monster Energy.

Right. I need your help
with a super-secret heckle.

If you hear me say the words,

"That was a squeaker," you
yell out this prewritten quip

for which I have prepared a
k*ller comedic response.

Nice.

(LINDSAY SIGHS)

He needs my help.

Excuse me.

Hi. I'm Lindsay.

- Why, hello.
- (CHUCKLES)

No need to be timorous.

I love meeting my fans.

No. I don't know any of this dork crap.

I'm a friend of Jimmy's,

and I'm a stylist.

Ooh, I adore Jimmy.

Between you and me,

it felt like a cacodoxy

to be sidetracked by a
genre experiment. Concur?

Listen, I thought you might
be looking for someone

to update your "tragic look."

"Tragic look"?

Who said that?

Duh. Jimmy.

Czesc. My country is Poland.

Poland? (LAUGHS)

Nice choice. What, was
Kyrgyzstan already taken?

Poland is the ninth largest country

in Europe.

They boast Nobel Prize winners,

and their main foods are pierogies,

kielbasa and golumpkies.

(LAUGHING): What? "Blumpkins"?

Spoiler alert, this bitch is toast.

JIMMY: From the
beginning, I was screwed.

My mom's uterus was L-shaped.

That's why I have equilibrium problems.

And then in the fourth grade,
my friend pooped his pants,

so I did, too, out of solidarity, and...

I liked it.

So, at first, we just tried,

you know, sticking straws
directly into the camel's humps,

but he was not having that.

So, I got out a grenade.

And I say, "Hey, man.

I'm new to skid row, I just
did a shitload of heroin,

and I need to take a nap.

I'll find you a new tent."

Basically the MS- s were like,

"Do you want to get
jumped in or sexed in?"

And I had a girlfriend at
the time, so here we go.

(GRUNTS)

- (APPLAUSE)
- Broadcasting live from Los Angeles,

I am book critic, radio host
and failed amateur gardener...

- (LAUGHTER)
- Steeb Corniglia,

and this is Tip of My Tongue.

(CHEERING)

I may have left a trail
of vegetable corpses

in my wake, but I am still qualified

to introduce our special guests.

Back with us is actor,

writer and master improviser

- Andy Daly.
- Oh, thank you, Steeb.

Hey, is it true that you
had a restraining order

placed on you by a clutch of watercress?

(LAUGHTER)

Also, television writer and comedienne

- Emily Heller.
- If anyone brought legumes,

please know that Steeb can't
be within feet of them.

- (LAUGHTER)
- STEEB: It's true.

I bean a bad boy.

- (LAUGHTER)
- And, finally,

erotica writer Jimmy Shive-Overly.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Thanks, Steeb. Uh, well,

I hope they're not serving
carrots at crafty...

Let's get started with our first game:

"Who's Steeb Right Now?"

(APPLAUSE)

ANDY: Well, one thing
we know about Steeb

is that he is a perpetrator
of hominy-cide.

(LAUGHTER)

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

(FRENCH ACCENT): Everyone knows
that France is the best country.

They basically won World w*r II,

and they invented the
best type of kissing:

tongue kissing.

Their president is a Benetton model

who bangs his mom-wife.

(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES)

(LIP-SYNCHING): ♪ Mon petit chou ♪

♪ Mon petit chou ♪

♪ Mon petit chou, chou bee
doo bee doo bee doo ♪

♪ Mon petit chou, chou, chou bee doo ♪

♪ Quand je vois ton sourire ♪

♪ Tes yeux, tes lèvres, tes cheveux ♪

♪ Oui, je sais ♪

♪ Que tu es le seul ♪

♪ Mon soleil, mon balance, sans pareil ♪

♪ Oui, c'est vrai ♪

♪ Tu es ce lui que j'adore ♪

♪ Tu seras toujours mon amour ♪

♪ Et c'est pourquoi ♪

♪ Je suis avec toi ♪

♪ Mon petit chou ♪

♪ Chou, chou bee doo ♪

♪ Mon petit chou... ♪

Oh! Thank you, Gretchen.

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Ah, the winner

is Poland. Way to go, sweetie!

- Hooray!
- (CLAPS)

Are you kidding me?

I-I'm not even done yet.

I have a whole thing with a baguette!

This is bullshit!

Which goes back to my original
point: don't open a bottle

of Gruner Veltliner with
a first-chair oboist

unless you want to end up

in her laundry room,
peeing into her mop sink.

(LAUGHTER)

STEEB: Okay. Our next game

is "Limerick Lightning Cage Match."

I will read a limerick,
and you will complete it.

Jimmy, let's start with you.

"Astronomers chose just to can it,

but the little guy's fans

couldn't stand it.

Now the stars have aligned,

and they're changing their minds

by returning its status to..."

(WOMAN COUGHS)

Granite!

(MURMURING)

Who paid you to throw this game?

- (LAUGHTER)
- Emily?

Planet, referring to Pluto,

- of course.
- But granite was a great guess.

I mean, scientists can never tell

when something is made of granite.

- (LAUGHS)
- They call it their white whale.

- (LAUGHTER)
- STEEB: Good point, Andy.

So, ten points

for Emily, and negative five points

- for our resident smut peddler.
- (LAUGHTER)

Well, for your information,
this "smut peddler"

is on New York Times Mass-Market
Paperback Best Seller list.

Ooh. The Mass-Market list.

- (LAUGHTER)
- What other books

might one find on that list?

Oh, uh, How My Cat Cured My Cancer.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Ooh, yes.

American Ninja Warrior: The Novel.

- (LAUGHTER)
- The Life-Changing Magic

of Throwing Some Things in the Garbage.

(LAUGHS) What are we watching?

I know a bunch of the
sounds they're saying,

but I don't understand the sentences.

(LAUGHS)

ANDY: Chicken Soup for the Stomach.

EMILY: The DiCaprio Code.

Paul, I'm at a very
important Jimmy thing.

PAUL (OVER PHONE):
Lindsay! I got arrested

for biking under the influence. (GROANS)

Come bail me out, Lindsay, please.

- I need your help.
- You need my help?

Or Angels Are Real, I Swear.

- (LAUGHS)
- How about

uh, Shakespeare, But With Vampires?

Improve Your Memory in Zero Easy Steps.

(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)

Or, uh...

k*ller, uh, B-Ballerinas.

(LAUGHS)

(WOMAN COUGHS)

Well, that was a squeaker.

(SNORING)

(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)

I said, that was a squeaker!

- (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
- "Hey, Shive-Overly.

Why don't you try writing

your own obituary and
then k*ll yourself?"

"Jimmy Shive-Overly d*ed this week.

His member was stiff, and soon,
so was the rest of his body."

(LAUGHTER)

Now, that's a squeaker.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

♪ ♪

BOONE: Hi.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't know how to act with her.

I'm not her mom. I'm not her friend.

I'm trying to make this work.

I feel like I'm supposed
to be good at this.

Do you think I'm good at this?

Last year I bought her a sword.

I lost her at the mall

because I was staring
at a Cinnabon too hard.

Just be yourself, okay?

I'm gonna order some pierogies.

Come down and join us when you're ready.

EDGAR: And so...

since I still have shrapnel in my body

but I don't have insurance, it's...

it's kind of like the memory of that day

when I lost my best friend...

is always inside me,

between my colon and my genitals.

Whoa.

I don't know what to say.

My heart.

- Thank you. Ah.
- Mm-hmm.

That feels...

really awesome telling you my truth.

Oh, sh*t.

We missed the entire show.

- (SIGHS)
- I guess we should get back to work.

We still have to write our
sketch for this week.

What if there's a
dictator who's a tater,

but also a total d*ck?

Actually, I'm just gonna head home.

But I feel so honored that
you shared that with me.

(QUIETLY): Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Did I talk too long?

No. That was a gift.

Thank you.

JIMMY (WHISPERS): Thank you.

(PAUL GROANING)

Lindsay...

it wasn't my fault.

The entire DUI industry is run

by a for-profit organization

called Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

They keep lowering the legal limit

so they can raise money

to pay their huge executive salaries.

That's mothers for you. (SPUTTERS)

Wow, Linds.

The smell, right?

I know. I lost a rotisserie
chicken in here somewhere,

and I can't find it anywhere.

No, uh... I'm just impressed.

You've really moved on.

I was so excited to
be a father, Lindsay.

I even... started a...

video diary...

to welcome it into the world.

Hi, baby. This is entry number .

Today we're gonna focus
on the constellation

Auriga, the charioteer.

- I'll take you to Mexico to see it one day.
- Mm.

Hopefully, by then my stomach
will have adapted to the molé.

I'm so sorry, Bear.

You can still be a dad someday.

You just need to find the right...

(SNORING SOFTLY)

What's the book about?

Great Plains settlers in .

So interesting.

What's going on in the
part you're reading?

The settlers don't have enough food,

so the little girl's dog runs away.

Oh. Like Bus Stop Goat.

Who?

He's, like, the greatest
pet of Instagram.

We DM all the time. Look.

(RINGTONE PLAYING)

Oh, sh**t.

I forgot I have to go do
this thing with Ben Folds.

Who's Ben Folds?

Promise you'll never
repeat that in public.

Okay. I'll see you later.

(PATS OLIVIA'S BACK)

(SIGHS, SNIFFS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Uh...

- Hey, Doug.
- Edgar. Doug Benson.

Quick call before I board
a flight to Davos.

I'm hosting a forum on
building investor confidence

in post-civil w*r Moldova.

Wait. There's a civil w*r in Moldova?

Not yet, but we're aiming for March.

Listen, you're gonna be doing

all the high-concept
sketches from now on.

I'm moving Max over to
episode development.

But you have my full confidence.

Okay, got to run.

Deep state never sleeps.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey.

I got your text.

Uh, what he's having, but a triple.

- He's having a triple.
- Right.

So make mine... nine.

Sorry your dumb radio
show was mean to you.

I thought I could be the one writer

to elevate the romance genre.

Your book elevated the only
thing it needed to: my d*ck.

(CHUCKLES)

And what's with the dress?

Are you starting a Serge
Gainsbourg cover band?

No, I just had to go to this
stupid thing in Eagle Rock.

All things in Eagle Rock are stupid.

What was it, runny cheese
tasting at the Converse store?

It's called international night,

with that guy, Boone, and his daughter.

(PHONE CHIMING AND VIBRATING)

If you have to be somewhere...

Mm, no. I have this work thing, but...

nobody will care if I'm a little late.

- WOMAN: I told you...
- Gretch, where are you?

Ben's hella late.

You said this dude was professional.

This was supposed to be
our big opportunity.

Where is this fool?!

Where are you?! Ugh!

BEN FOLDS: Hey, guys!

SAM: There he is.

You ready to rock?

I am indeed.

Can I offer you boys a tooch of rug?

Rug? That doesn't sound right.

Hey, Ben, are you...?

- Holy sh*t!
- Holy sh*t!

- Are you okay?
- Dude, your head!

I'm fine.

After the restaurant, I stayed
me had some couple Manhattan.

And then blue drink.

That was yesterday.

Well, then why was I in
Griffith Park tomorrow?

All right, let's do this.

- All right. Uh, don't worry about it.
- Catfish vanilla?

Who puts drinks on a
piano? Two, three, six.

(BOTTLES CLINKING, RAPID
TAPPING ON TABLE)

I can't hear it. I can't hear it.

It's in the key of E, guys.

(BOTTLES CLINKING, RAPID
TAPPING CONTINUES)

(PHONE CHIMES)

(PHONE CHIMING, VIBRATING)

I have to tell you something.

I came by your house the other day

and saw you doing some
chick on the couch.

So who was the nasty slizz?

Uh, well, that was Katherine,
my old friend from home,

but she's not nasty.

I mean, boring, sure.

She's unbearably annoying.

Completely reeking of unearned snobbery.

- (LAUGHING)
- She's an entertainment lawyer,

that noble calling.

(WITH BRITISH ACCENT): That's
what John Adams was, wasn't he?

- Ooh. Uh...
- (GRETCHEN LAUGHS)

Excuse me. Is this chair free?

- Does it look like it's free?
- Obviously my bag

is sitting there, idiot.

(GRETCHEN LAUGHS)

♪ Oh, why'd you do me so? ♪

(GRETCHEN MOANS)