04x18 - Accepted

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hey.

You guys wanna hear a joke?

No!

Why not?

Because they're never good.

Dad, your mouth is
where jokes go to die.

I can be funny.

It's funny watching
you try to tell a joke.

See, now that's funny.

Honey, why don't you just
wait and tell your joke at lunch?

But I have lunch at work.

Uh-huh.

You know what? You
guys are gonna like this one.

So, a guy walks into a
store with a frog on a leash...

No, no, no!

Sorry. Frog's on his head.

So, anyway, the frog says...

Ah, you shouldn't
know the frog talks yet.

So, let's just forget
I said that, okay?

The store owner says...

And it doesn't have
to be the store owner,

it could just be a
guy who works there.

- Okay, okay.
- Or a girl, whatever.

You know what, guys?

In the interest of time, let's just
laugh now and get it over with.

Okay. Go.

Ohh!

- Good one, Dad.
- No, no, wait.

Wait a minute. I'm not done yet.

- No, but we are.
- Yeah.

Well, you wanna hear
the joke, right, Charlie?

Sure, Daddy.

Okay, so...

Guy walks into a
store with a frog...

Wait a minute.

It's not a frog. It's a parrot.

Parrots are funny.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. But
there's more to the joke.

It doesn't end on "parrot".

You said it again.

♪ Today's all burnt toast ♪

♪ Running late and Dad jokes ♪

♪ Has anybody
seen my left shoe? ♪

♪ I close my eyes, take a bite ♪

♪ Grab a ride, laugh out loud ♪

♪ There it is, up on the roof ♪

♪ I've been there,
I've survived ♪

♪ So just take my advice ♪

♪ Hang in there, baby
Things are crazy ♪

♪ But I know your
future's bright ♪

♪ Hang in there, baby ♪

♪ There's no maybe ♪

♪ Everything
turns out all right ♪

♪ Sure, life is up and down ♪

♪ But trust me, it
comes back around ♪

♪ You're gonna love
Who you turn out to be ♪

♪ Hang in there, baby ♪

It's here, it's here!

What is?

The email from Yale. I'm
about to find out if I got in.

Open it! What are
you waiting for?

I can't. I'm too nervous.

Yale is my dream school.

The next ten seconds are gonna
decide the course of my entire life.

Okay. Easy now, honey.

Nobody likes a drama queen.

What are you looking at me for?

Okay. Dad, here, you read it.

I'll be able to tell
by your expression.

Uh-oh.

I didn't get in?

No, I sent it to trash.

Hey, how do I get this
back? "Empty trash."

No!

Gosh. I'll do it.

Okay.

Here goes.

Huh?

I'm on the wait list.

Well, that's good.

You still have a
chance to get in.

You just have to wait
for a spot to open up.

Well, yeah, but what
are the odds of that?

Honey, look, it's
out of your hands.

Okay, so until you hear otherwise,
you just have to do what I do.

Just relax and go with the flow.

You're looking at me again.

What is that?

It's a scooter.

Which I bought with my
graduation money from Grandpa.

- You didn't graduate.
- Grandpa doesn't know that.

Gabe, we talked about this.

I specifically said you could
not get one of these things.

You said I couldn't
have a dirt bike.

This is an electric scooter.

It's what kids with
dirt bikes make fun of.

Well, whatever it is, it
doesn't look very safe.

Listen, before you decide anything,
how about you just take it for a spin?

Then you can see how tame it is.

Whoo-hoo!

Aww, yeah!

Fun, huh? So can I keep it?

Don't know. Not
done testing it yet.

Whoo-hoo!

Aw, yeah!

Okay, Charlie, let's go.

Hello, Mr. Duncan.

Hello, Teacher Lily.

I wanted to show you something
Charlie wrote about you.

It's on the "Mommy Daddy" wall.

Let me apologize in advance.

No. It's good this time.

Here's Charlie's.

"My daddy tells funny jokes."

My...

Well, at least somebody
appreciates me.

Thank you, Charlie.

You're welcome, Daddy.

Since you're coming in for
circle time tomorrow anyway,

how about telling the
kids a couple of jokes?

Oh, I...

I don't know.

Sometimes I
get a little rattled.

Mr. Duncan, they're
four-year-olds.

You're not hosting the Oscars.

Please, Daddy.

Um...

Well, I guess I
could tell a few jokes.

I mean, how hard could that be?

Tell the one about the parrot.

It's so funny.

Oh, hey, Victor, if you're
not busy tomorrow night...

And, uh, I'm
assuming you're not...

Hey!

Oh. I'm sorry. Are you busy?

No.

Continue.

Well, I could use some
help with the senior prank.

A prank?

I don't know. That
sounds like hijinks.

Which borders on shenanigans.

And from there it's a
slippery slope into tomfoolery.

And you wonder why
you're never busy.

Look, I don't wanna
get into any trouble.

I have too much at stake.

I was just accepted at Yale.

Hey! Congratulations.

I was just wait-listed there.

They didn't reject you?

Now I feel less
good about getting in.

Thanks.

I'm sorry I didn't get in too.

So, uh...

Are you gonna go?

Well, it's between
Harvard and Yale.

Well, you are clearly
a Harvard man.

I mean, Yale is so "ehh"
and you're so "whoa!"

Teddy, I know what you're doing.

You're trying to talk me out of Yale
so that it opens up a spot for you.

That's good Harvard
thinking right there.

It's not gonna work.

Fine.

Well, will you help me
with the senior prank?

Ivy was gonna do
it, but she's sick.

Okay. Why not?

But I will not participate in
any malarkey or monkeyshines.

Those are some big words.

I could have also gone with
"poppycock" or "balderdash."

Okay, we get it.
You got into Yale.

Going somewhere?

You forgot your lunch.

Got it right here.

You forgot your homework.

I don't do my homework.

Well, you should.

And as punishment, I'm
gonna ride your scooter.

- No, you're not.
- Why?

Why won't you share with me?

Because, Mom, it's bad
enough I have a scooter,

but a scooter that I
share with my mom?

I'd b*at myself up.

Fine.

I won't ride it anymore.

Good. Thank you.

I can do this all day.

So you're telling jokes
at Charlie's preschool?

Yeah.

Why?

Isn't school hard
enough on kids?

Look, I just wanna
practice some jokes on you.

Just pretend you're
four years old.

Oh! Okay.

All right...

How do you make a tissue dance?

You blow your nose in it!

I think it goes, "How do
you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it."

That's what I said.

I may be four, but
that's not what you said.

- Try another one.
- All right.

Oh! How do you make time fly?

You throw it out the window!

No. No.

No.

To make time fly, you
throw a clock out the window.

That's what I said.

Dad, you're not
saying the crucial word.

But I heard it inside my head.

Did you hear me
laughing inside your head?

You're pretty harsh
for a four-year-old.

Dad, you know what you need?

Cue cards.

Then all you have to
do is read the jokes.

But isn't that cheating?

Let me tell you something my
school counselor once told me...

"Cheating is your only hope."

I wonder what Principal
Higgins is gonna say

when he walks in and
sees all this tomorrow.

Probably something like,
"That's a lot of sticky notes."

And it'll all be worth it.

This is really gonna
get Ernie's goat.

You call the principal "Ernie"?

Well, he's given me so
many awards over the years,

we've become pretty close.

Ahh! Paper cut.

Ow. Oh!

My mother was right.

Mischief always
has repercussions.

Calm down. It's
just a little cut.

I need first aid. Did
you bring some?

I didn't think it was necessary,

given that we're
dealing with paper.

It hurts! Do something!

Okay, fine. I have a
bandage in my locker.

I'll be right back.

Hey!

What's going on here?

I can explain.

Let's go.

Where are you taking me?

To the movies.

Oh, thank goodness.

I thought you were
taking me to jail.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Oh, don't worry. I never
talk during the movies.

Okay, Victor.

Victor?

Maybe he left a note.

This could take a while.

There you are! What happened?

Where did you go?

Not to the movies.
I'll tell you that.

I got arrested.

- What?
- That's right.

Handcuffed, fingerprinted,
and had my mug sh*t taken.

You ever been to jail, Teddy?

Super Adventure Land jail.

Denver County Jail
is a little different.

It's an adventure,
but it's not super!

I have to go see the
principal tomorrow.

If he presses charges, my college
admission could be rescinded.

Rescinded means "taken away"
for those of you on the wait list.

Victor, I'm so sorry.

Are you?

I mean, wasn't this all
part of your big plan?

What are you talking about?

You set me up!

First, you talk me
into doing the prank,

then you conveniently disappear
just before the police arrived.

Why would I do that?

So that my arrest would
open up a spot for you at Yale.

Okay, Victor, you're babbling.

How much blood did you
lose from that paper cut?

Not enough to k*ll me, if
that's what you were hoping for!

Ba-bam!

Oh, what's this?

I got a scooter too.

- Oh, that's great.
- Yup!

And now we can ride together.

That's not so great.

Mom, let me explain
something to you.

I'm in middle school.

I can't be seen riding
side-by-side with my mother.

Look, I bought this so
that we could ride together.

- We're gonna ride together.
- No, we're not.

- Yes, we are.
- No, we're not.

We can go back and
forth all night about this,

but the bottom line is we're
going on a double scoot.

Fine.

But here are the conditions.

We go to a neighborhood
where nobody knows me,

we scoot for no
longer than minutes,

and if at any point you
tell me how cute I look,

it's over.

Forty minutes and
I get one "cute".

Thirty-five minutes and
you can pinch my cheek.

Deal.

Teddy, we are so proud of
you for graduating from Yale.

Aww. Thanks, Dad.

But, um, why is it just
you and Toby here?

Oh, everybody else was
busy in your mom's dream.

Tonight she's starring in her
one-woman Broadway show,

Ba-bamalot.

Hup, food's here.

Oh. I'll get it.

Pizza delivery.

Victor?

Hello, Teddy.

What?

You're delivering pizza now?

Yes.

After my arrest, no
college would take me.

So instead of realizing my destiny
of becoming a brilliant scientist,

I work a dead-end job
with no hope for the future.

This is awkward.

We didn't order pepperoni.

My life is a disaster, Teddy.

And it's all your fault.

Fault, fault...

What are you doing?

I thought the dream was over.

No. I get to say when
the dream is over...

Over, over, over...

Okay, Dad, showtime. All
you gotta do is read the cards.

Got it.

Okay, children, we have
a real treat for you today.

Let's welcome Charlie's
daddy, Mr. Duncan.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

So, anybody here
from outta town?

Okay, now for a few jokes.

Why did the chicken
cross the road?

To make time fly!

Next joke, next joke.

Uh, what's black and
white and red all over?

To get to the other side.

You know what? They don't get it

because they don't
know what a newspaper is.

You didn't say "newspaper".

Wrap it up.

Um...

Okay, okay, okay, look.

The thing is, I'm not
very good at telling jokes.

We know.

Well...

I guess the truth is some
people just aren't funny.

But I'm not one of those people!

Told you he was funny.

So, what'd you wanna
see me about, Ernie?

Uh-uh. "Principal Higgins."

I lost first name privileges?

Are we still on for Jazz Fest?

No, we are not.

Excuse me, Principal Higgins.

Sorry to interrupt.

What is it, Duncan?

Look, the senior
prank was my idea.

Victor wanted nothing to do
with it, but I forced him to help me.

So if you're gonna
punish anyone...

punish me.

I'm okay with that.

I am very disappointed
in both of you.

Two of my best students,

and all you came up
with was sticky notes?

That's pathetic!

So you're not going
to press charges?

For what? Lack of creativity?

Next time you pull a prank,

put a cow in my office or
glue the furniture to the ceiling.

Something!

Now you're thinking, Ernie.

Stop that.

I gotta take this.

Now, uh, clean all this up.

Thank you, Teddy.

You didn't have to do that.

Victor, as much as
I wanna go to Yale,

I would never do anything
to hurt your chances.

Well, I'm glad to
hear you say that.

Because I'm
accepting their offer.

You should!

Yale is lucky to have you.

Thanks.

And I hope you
end up getting in too.

That...

was the North High principal.

You know what his
seniors did to him?

They took apart his car and
reassembled it in his office!

Now that's a prank!

We're sorry, okay?

What am I supposed to tell him?

"Yeah, things are tough
over here too. I got stickied."

We could trash your
office if you want.

That's the least you could do.

Whoo! This isn't so bad, is it?

Seventeen minutes and counting.

All right. Stop the clock.

I need to find a bathroom.

Well, well, well.

Gabe Duncan.

Paul, what are you
doing on this side of town?

I get around.

I guess the question
is what are you doing?

Oh, you know, just nothing.

Hanging out.

By myself.

Hey, wanna see a cute pic?

It's you and your
mommy scooting together.

You know, I think that a lot of
people would like to see this.

Oh, okay, let's just
calm down for a second.

"Post album."

Should I?

No, no, no.

What do you want, Paul?

I'm tired of walking.

I could use a little transpo.

Oh, please take it.

This thing has brought
me nothing but trouble.

- Nice doing business with you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Delete it first.

Now get outta here.

What happened to your scooter?

I traded it.

For what?

My reputation.

I'll explain later.

- Need a ride home?
- Yeah.

- Hop on.
- All right.

Okay, hold on tight, sweetie.

And smile.

Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh!

What, what? What is it?

It's another e-mail from Yale.

Oh, you want me to...

No!

Mom, you do it.

Okay.

You got in.

I got in?

You got in.

Oh, man! We...

We are so proud of you!

I'm so proud of me too.

What about me?

I'm gonna be the
mother of a Yalie.

You're looking at me again.

No, I didn't...

- Hey!
- Yeah!

Well, Charlie, I got into Yale.

You know, there's actually a lot
of famous people that went there.

Several U.S. presidents,
Supreme Court justices,

and the Circle Gurgle.

Yep, soon I will be
joining that proud lineup.

Whee! Hey, Gabe!

I got your scooter back.

- What?
- Yeah.

Big brother to the rescue.

Saw that punk and
just took it from him.

Yeah.

He was not happy about it.

Yeah, thank you,

but there's just one problem.

That's not my scooter.

- I'll be right back.
- Yeah.

Whee!

Wish him good luck, Charlie.

There she is.

The toast of Broadway.

You were magnificent tonight.

Great, listen,

I'm gonna need you both
in my dream tomorrow night.

Mm, no can do, Mom. I gotta be
in Gabe's dream tomorrow night.

He's getting chased by monsters
and I do not wanna miss that.

And I have to be
in my own dream.

I'm giving a book report in
front of my second-grade class

- in my underwear.
- Hey, hey, hey!

Let's bring this back to
me, okay? This is my dream.

Where is Gabe anyway?

Sorry we're late.

Mrs. Dabney was having
that nightmare again.

We?

How many of you are there?

Three thousand.

She had tacos.