03x19 - Granny's Romance

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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03x19 - Granny's Romance

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Want me to wait
out here, Uncle Jed?

No, come on up.

Always seems to pleasure
Miss Jane a heap to see you.

Oh, good morning, Chief.
Morning, Miss Hathaway.

Oh, I'm expecting Mr. Clampett
for a very important meeting.

Will Jethro be
with him? Probably.

Uh, come in and bring your book.

I've decided to get
rid of Cavanaugh.

Give his seat on the board
of directors to Jed Clampett.

We'll buy him new
clothes, a new car.

He'll join the club

where he'll meet and
mingle with important people.

The first thing you know,

Mr. Clampett will be
hooked on the good life

and won't want to
go back to those hills,

especially if he has to draw
the money out of his own bank.

(chuckles)
Brilliant idea, right?

Miss Hathaway, when I
say, "right" question mark,

you are supposed to say,
"right" exclamation point.

Miss Hathaway?

Yes, Chief.

What is that?

A wig. I got it for Jethro.

Do you think he'll like it?

Of course not.

It doesn't even
look good on you.

(laughing)

Oh, Chief, always a joke.

Look, a bank is no
place for frivolity.

That's why I'm getting
rid of Cavanaugh,

our playboy board member.

So take that silly
thing off before Mr...

Clampett! How are you?

Howdy. Howdy, ma'am.

Come in, come in. Howdy, ma'am.

Hello there.

Why, it's Miss Jane!

Well, I be doggone!

What happened?

Your hair's turned white!

You been sick, Miss Jane?

Look, Mr. Clampett
and I have business.

Why don't you and Jethro
wait in your office, Blondie?

Come along, Jethro.

Sit down, Mr. Clampett.

Thank you.

Jethro, I have found

that the intellectual
approach has a...

limited appeal...
romantically-speaking,

so I have decided to
become a glamour girl.

What do you think of the idea?

Well, I think it's swell!

Oh. Thank you.

Well, when you gonna start?

Oh. Oh.

(stuttering): Mr. Cavanaugh!

Who is this vision of delight?

This breathtaking,
radiant creature?

I'm Jethro Bodine.

Uh...

J-Jethro's uncle is
Mr. J.D. Clampett,

you know, our largest depositor.

He's with
Mr. Drysdale right now.

Oh. Well, I understand Old
Grumpy wants to see me.

I'll take a few laps

around the secretarial
pool and drop back?

Right.

Au revoir, ma cherie.

Stay as sweet as you are.

Yes sir, I-I will.

Boy, he sure did
cotton to me, didn't he?

Well, Mr. Clampett,

how does that
director's job sound?

It ain't important to
know banking, huh?

Of course not.

It's mostly a social position.

And there'll be some
great parties at the club.

Several of our directors
are widowers like yourself.

Is that a fact?

Oh, a little older, white hair.

But you know the old saying.

Snow on the roof doesn't
mean the fire's out in the furnace.

How about it?

By doggies, Mr. Drysdale,

could be this is just the thing I
been hoping would come along.

Wonderful!

It sounds made
to order for Granny.

Well, then, it's all
set... Who? Granny.

You know, she's been
lonesome as a polecat in a parlor,

and meeting and
mingling with a couple

of them white-haired
widowers is just what she needs.

Well, but that's not what I...

You see, back home,

she had herself some
gentleman callers,

and, uh, she misses that.

Yes. Well, I... (knocking)

Excuse me, Chief. Your
wife is on the phone.

She says it's very important.

Oh, well, I'll be running along.

No, no. Wait, wait.

Hello, Margaret. I'm
very busy. Can I...

(loud, squeaky, indistinct
voice over phone)

Yes, dear, you
tell me all about it.

(shrill voice continues
talking over phone)

Well, Mr. Drysdale, Jethro
and me got to be getting home.

You want me to speak to
Granny about being a director?

No! No! That is, I
mean, not-not yet.

You see, we'll take
it under consid...

We'll figure out some...

Well, you'll hear from me.

All right. Bye.

Bye.

(indistinct, high-pitched
voice speaking over phone)

Really?

And what did your
mother say then?

(voice continues speaking)

Excuse me, Chief.

Mr. Cavanaugh to see you.

Clifton to you, my dear.

May I have this dance?

(laughing): Oh!

All right, all
right, break it up!

This is a bank, not a nightclub!

And you get back to your desk

and take that mop off your head.

But, Chief, I want to find out

if it's true blondes
have more fun.

Ask one!

Cavanaugh, it's antics
like this that have cost you...

What do you think you're doing?

Picking out a date for lunch.

Want me to see if she's
got a friend for you?

Certainly not!

I'm a happily married man.

Okay.

Ah, here she is.

Where's the rest of the phone?

(clears throat)

Yes, dear, I'm listening.

(high-pitched talking
over phone continues)

Oh, yeah? I didn't say anything.

But you were thinking it!

Now, that's the second seat
you've lost this bank today!

What are you talking about?

You have also lost your
seat on the board of directors.

You're through!

Why? Why?

For conduct unbecoming
an officer, that's why!

They're calling you
the Playboy Banker!

The Wolf of Wilshire Boulevard!

Really?

Oh, stop grinning.

Take stock of yourself, man.

There you are,
almost 65 years old.

What kind of a life do you lead?

Out with a different
woman every night.

Parties. Champagne.

Dancing till dawn.

Aren't you ashamed?

At 65? Are you kidding?

Instead of running around
with all those young girls,

why don't you find some
woman closer to your own age

and settle down?

Find real happiness and
contentment as I have.

(indistinct, shrill speaking
continues over phone)

Yes, dear, I'm listening.

There are plenty
of lonely... Granny!

What?!

Listen, Clifton, what if I were

to save your bank
directorship for you?

Well, that would make
me very happy, but...

Now, all you have to do is
to make a certain lady happy.

She feels lonely and neglected.

Now she's not exactly young,

and perhaps you wouldn't
find her attractive...

Milburn!

She's your wife!

I wasn't thinking of my wife.

Sit down.

The woman I have in mind is
J.D. Clampett's mother-in-law.

I've never met her.

Sweetest little
woman in the world.

Lovely, petite, lots of fun.

Aah!

Granny, there's a city
fella coming to call on you.

What's he selling?

He ain't selling nothing.

He just heard about
you from Mr. Drysdale,

and he wanted to meet you.

Now you run on upstairs
and get yourself all prettied up.

For a city feller?

Aah!

But, Granny, this
one's something special.

He's a bank director.

Now run on up and put
on a nice dress, huh?

If he don't like the way I look,
he can look someplace else.

All right, Granny.

You know best.

You better believe it!

What you doing, Granny?

I'm dusting.

What does it look
like I'm doing?

Mmm! What smells so good?

Uh, that's lavender
furniture polish.

My, you sure are
gussied up for housework.

Well, I'm trying
to set an example

for the rest of this family.

What if we was all of a
sudden to have company?

Us? What kind of company?

Any kind.

Supposing a bank
director was to drop by?

A what?

Hey, Elly, Uncle Jed says
for us to get cleaned up.

There's a bank
director coming by.

See? What did I tell you?

See who that is, will you, Jed?

I'm busy.

Well, it's probably
your gentleman caller,

Mr. Cavanaugh.

Well, if it is, have
him set down.

I'll get to him when I can.

How do you do?

I'm Clifton Cavanaugh.

I believe Mr. Clampett's
expecting me?

Ah, come in, come in.

Uh, I'm Jed Clampett.

So you're J.D. Clampett, eh?

Yes, sir. Pleased to meet you.

Well, it's a rare treat

to shake hands
with you like this.

Oh?

Well, it's the way
I've always done it.

(chuckles): No.

I mean, you're
quite a famous man

with all those
millions in the bank.

Close to 50 now, isn't it?

Well, to tell you the
truth, Mr. Cavanaugh,

I ain't never seen
'em to count 'em.

But I got a nephew Jethro,

and he's right
good at ciphering.

One of these days, I'm
gonna send him down the bank,

pile up all my money, and...

(throat clearing)

Oh, I pretty near forgot.

You come to see Granny.

No, No, I'm here to
see your mother-in-law.

Yeah, that's Granny.

Granny, gentleman
caller here to see you.

GRANNY: Another one?

Granny, this here is
Mr. Clifton Cavanaugh,

and he's been
wanting to meet you.

Well, you ought to
told me he was coming.

I'd a-got fixed up a little.

Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

Uh, well, I'm gonna
leave you two alone.

There's a nice,
warm fire in the parlor.

So, you've been wanting
to meet me, have you?

Yes, and now that I have...

au revoir.

Hey, that's the wrong way!

The parlor's in here!

I dare not trust myself alone
with you, you enticing creature!

Going somewhere, Cavanaugh?

Well, yes, as a... as
a matter of fact, I, uh...

He don't trust
hisself alone with me.

Neither do I.

That's why I'm here!

Howdy, everybody.

Hello, Jethro.

Well, Cavanaugh, I'm glad to
see things are going so well.

Yes. I was completely enchanted

from the moment I laid eyes

on this captivating creature.

That's true, Mr. Drysdale.

He liked me right off.

Jethro.

Make yourself scarce.

Go chop some wood.

But I just put on
my good clothes!

Go take 'em off.

But I put 'em on to
see the company!

You've seen the company.

Now go take 'em off!

That fella probably
wants to talk to me.

He thinks the sun
rises and sets in me.

Get upstairs!

Boy, everybody orders me around.

They's a nice fire

in the parlor, Mr. Cavanaugh.

Clifton to you, my dear.

Well, that sounds
perfectly wonderful.

But it's, um... it's
getting late, you see,

and I have to dress for dinner.

Where are you taking
Granny for dinner?

Granny?

Anyplace you say, Clifton.

There's nothing I'd enjoy more

than taking you to dinner.

However, unfortunately,

I already have a dinner date.

With my aunt.

Dear sweet old Aunt Phyllis.

She's been looking
forward to it for a long time.

Then there's no problem.

You can take along
Mr. Clampett for your aunt.

That'll be just dandy!

A nice foursome.

Yes, it would be.

Uh, my car, though,
only holds two people.

Then take mine.

That's very nice
of you, Milburn,

but I promised Aunt
Phyllis a ride in an open car.

The dear old girl
loves to look at

the stars and the bright lights.

Then we can take ours.

It's as open as they come!

Well, then it's all settled.

I'll go speak to Mr. Clampett.

Wait.

Mr. Clampett might
not like Aunt Phyllis.

I've seen some of these

dear sweet old aunts
you take out for dinner.

Mr. Clampett will
adore Aunt Phyllis.

Will you stop calling
me "Aunt Phyllis"?

I just want you to get used to
it so we won't make any goofs.

You'll never top the
one you've already made.

Please. This is the only way

I can save my seat on
the board of directors.

Oh, but, Cliff, I've
been looking forward

to this date for weeks.

And now it's ruined.

No, it isn't.

Now, these people go
to bed with the chickens.

They'll probably fold by 8:00,

and we'll dance the
rest of the night away.

Oh, come on.

Nobody in Beverly
Hills goes to bed at 8:00.

(chuckles)

Wait till you see these two.

My date has got
to be 75 years old.

They call her Granny.

(chuckles)

You'd better be telling
me the truth, Cliffy.

Now, would I lie to my own aunt?

How do we look, young'uns?

(whistles)

Hot dog!

You two are sure gonna
cut a deep rut tonight.

Will you be staying
out real late?

I don't hardly think so, Elly.


Judging from Mr. Cavanaugh,

his aunt must be
well along in years.

Far as that's concerned,

he looks like he's waded
his deepest water, too.

Oh, I don't know, Jed.

He still might have a
little snap left in his garters.

(laughs) Where
you going, Granny?

I'm gonna put a little vanilla
extract behind my ears.

If he's still got
it, I aim to get it!

(laughs)

Boy, Granny sure is
happy, ain't she, Pa?

For a fact, Elly.

Ever since she met that fella,

she's been grinning
like a butcher's dog.

(knocking)

I'll bet you that's your dates.

Well, Jethro, you get Granny.

Oh, howdy!

Come in! Come in!

Thank you.

Aunt Phyllis, this
is, uh, J.D. Clampett.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet you.

By doggies, you are
the youngest looking aunt

I ever did see.

Not as young as that Granny.

Oh, uh, this here's
my daughter Elly May.

Howdy.

Howdy.

Yonder's Granny.

Howdy, Cliffie, are you ready

to kick up your heels?

You bet I am.

Where's your aunt?

Right here.

Aunt Phyllis, this
here's Granny.

Your aunt?

That's right.

Rather well
preserved, isn't she?

She sure is.

Nice looking jar, too.

(horn honking)

There's Jethro.

I told him to fetch the
truck around fer us.

Truck? Truck?

Night, Elly.

Get to bed early, will you?

I will, Pa.

Have fun now.

Good night. We'll try.

Are you serious

about taking that old
wreck nightclubbing?

Yes, I am.

And that's no way to talk
about your own nephew.

Aunt Phyllis.

(horn honking)

Clifton, must you
honk that horn?

In view of the fact that we have

practically no brakes or lights,

I think it advisable.

I reckon you must be
enjoying this, Aunt Phyllis.

Me?

Your nephew told us how fond
you are of riding in the open.

That's why we brung the truck.

I don't know how I'm going
to repay him for tonight.

Oh, just forget about that.

Treat's on us fellers.

Where you fellas figuring
on taking us to eat?

Well, how about
the Coconut Grove?

We's all dressed up.

Let's eat inside.

Granny, the Grove
is a famous night spot.

Oh... one of them.

(chuckles)

We had a cottonwood
grove like that back home,

and you could hardly
get in there at night

for the parked buggies.

(laughs)

Remember that, Jed?

Well, Granny, uh,

I reckon it's a little
too early in the evening

to commence talking
about things like that.

You'll have Aunt
Phyllis blushing.

I've been blushing
since we started out.

Can't we go someplace
and eat quickly?

I'm all for that, Phyllis.

I'm hungrier than a
woodpecker with a sore beak.

Let's go someplace
where there's music.

Granny's fond of dancing.

So is Jed.

You got a treat
coming to you, honey.

When old Jed gets to stomping,

he plumb knocks
the hay out of the loft.

(laughs)

You fond of
dancing, Aunt Phyllis?

Why, Aunt Phyllis
just loves to dance.

You got a stitch, Cliffie?

I'll be all right.

Can we go someplace and eat?

All right, hon... Aunt Phyllis.

Any preferences?

How about a dark drive-in?

That's all right as long
as they got dancing.

Leave it to me.

I know every spot in town.

Well, get to one in a hurry.

Some people like
to be in bed by 8:00.

Are you sure you want
this table in the corner?

Yes.

Well, this early I can seat you

next to the dance
floor if you prefer...

This is the table we want.

As you wish, madam.

There ain't much business.

Are you sure the
food's good in here?

Oh, yes, madam, yes.

I don't see no truck drivers.

That's always a good sign

when the truck
drivers eat at a place.

Granny, I reckon
it's a mite late

for truck drivers to be eating.

It's getting a bit
late for me, too.

Can we order, please?

Cocktails before dinner?

What do you say
we have champagne?

All right with me.

I ain't choicy.

Phyllis?

Anything.

Fine with me.

Richelieu, '59.

Extra dry?

I am.

Extra dry.

Thank you, sir.

There's a dance floor.

What do you say we work up
a little appetite before supper?

(chuckling): Well, there's,
uh, there's no music yet.

Oh, that don't need to stop us.

I brought along
Jed's "harmonicky."

Please.

Oh, you play the harmonicky?

That's just dandy.

You and Jed can take turns,

and while you're dancing,
I'll play the water glasses.

Cliffie, what do you do?

I have a feeling that tonight

I'm going to do
a lot of drinking.

(Latin American rhythm playing)

What's the matter
with you, Cliffie?

Don't you know how to dance?

Well, not the kind you're doing.

I, I believe this is supposed
to be a bossa nova.

Oh, no, this is the
Blue Ridge Barn Burner.

I'm afraid I don't know it.

Hey, Jed.

Come on up here
and show this city dude

how to do the Blue
Ridge Barn Burner.

Just a minute, Granny.

Feel like dancing yet?

Aunt Phyllis don't
feel like dancing yet.

I reckon she's had a
mite too much to drink.

Yeah, that's it all right.

Anything I can do to
help you, Aunt Phyllis?

I don't suppose
you carry a revolver.

Are you all right, Phyllis?

I may never be all right again.

It beats me how anybody
can get juiced on that sody pop.

Ain't got no wallop at all.

I've tasted well
water that had more.

Hey, a little dancing

might make you feel
better, Aunt Phyllis.

No, thank you.

Anything you'd like?

Yes, I'd like a few moments
alone with my nephew.

Well, come on, Granny,

let's show 'em how to
do the Sibley Sod Buster.

Yee-ha!

Now, Phyllis, I know
what you're going to say

and you should be ashamed.

For what?

For using such language.

I'm crazy about you.

You're crazy, period.

How can that old goat be
so important to your bank?

Honey, that old goat has
almost $50 million in our bank.

He's our largest depositor.

You see, they struck oil on
his place back in those hills

and those millions
just keep rolling in.

So you see, Phyllis, he's
really the backbone of...

May I cut in?

Feeling better, Auntie?

Oh, I feel great.

Go to it.

You know the Sibley
Sod Buster, do you?

Oh, no, but I'll learn,

and I'm going to show you
a few things along the way.

♪ ♪

Dogged if that ain't got
the Sibley Sod Buster

backed right off the floor.

Yee-ha!

What happened?

Where are we? Home.

3:00 in the morning.

Well, Mr. Clampett, we
certainly painted the town...

Where are Phyllis
and Mr. Clampett?

We left them off at
the Watusi A Go Go.

I'd better get on over there.

Oh, they's someplace
else by now.

They was going
to dance their way

right down the Sunset Strip.

Could I have a cup of coffee?

Sure, come on in.

Maybe you'd rather
have a glass of warm milk.

Yeah, sounds great.

Party pooper.

(Latin American rhythm playing)

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
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