♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Ain't Pa coming
down to breakfast?
Reckon not, Elly.
You might as
well clear the table.
Well, he ain't never
stayed in bed this late.
You reckon he's ailing?
(chuckles) He's
ailing all right.
Probably all stove
up from dancing
with that city woman all night.
Was you two out all night?
Oh, not me.
I come home at a decent hour,
but your pa was like
a colt in a clover patch.
Kicking up his heels
all over that dance floor.
Cavorting from one
nightclub to another.
Sounds like Pa had a good time.
Oh, he was cutting
tall timber last night,
but he'll have stumps
to pull this morning.
What do you mean?
That man is gonna
be so stiff and sore
he won't be able to move.
His feet is gonna hurt
him clear up to his elbows.
Well, ain't you gonna
doctor him, Granny?
Only if he asks fer it.
I tried to warn him last night,
and he wouldn't listen.
Well, we'll see what kind
of dancing he does today.
(chuckling)
(door opening)
Ah, good morning, Uncle Jed.
How you feeling?
Just dandy.
Oh, Granny said she bet you'd
be stove up like a rusty pump.
Not me.
I'm fine as frog's hair.
Well, good for you.
Thank you, boy.
Why don't you go see
if Granny needs you?
Oh, yes, sir... hey, uh,
did you and Miss Phyllis
do any of them new
dances last night,
like the Watusi, the Frug,
the Jerk or the Monkey?
I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
Well, come on, show me.
Come on, come on. (groaning)
Hey, Granny was right.
Hey, you are stove up.
Why, you are as
stiff as a board.
Hey, I'll go tell her.
No!
What do you
want to tell her fer?
Well, so she can
take care of you.
She'll rub in some
of her liniment.
Only thing she'll
rub in will be some
of her "I told you
so," and I'll be darned
if I'm gonna give
her that satisfaction.
Well, the Hollywood
playboy is up.
The dancing darling
of the nightclub crowd.
Mr. Twinkle Toes.
Twinkle Toes?
That's what his lady
friend called him.
You should have
seen the two of them
cutting didoes on the
dance floor last night.
They stomped up a
storm, huh, Granny?
They were bouncing around
like a couple of
chickens in high rye.
(chuckling)
(chuckling)
How about some vittles?
Oh?
Ain't you gonna be dining out
with your lady love?
She your lady love, Uncle Jed?
No, she ain't.
She probably forgot
all about me by now. Ha!
The way you were showing off,
you'll never get
out of her clutches.
She got you in her
clutches, Uncle Jed?
Of course not.
I just took the woman
dancing one night.
That don't hardly put
me in her clutches. Ha!
She's got her painted
fingernails in you
like a fist full of fish hooks.
Nonsense. (phone ringing)
Oh, I'll get it.
I know how it hurts
you to walk, Uncle Jed.
He sure is stove up, Granny.
Thank you, boy.
Howdy.
Good morning, Twinkle Toes.
No, ma'am, this
ain't Twinkle Toes.
Just a minute.
It's your lady love, Uncle Jed.
Thanks again, boy.
You're welcome.
Boy, she purrs like
a cat full of cream.
Go put some gas in the truck.
Truck don't need gas.
Well, drive around till it does.
Morning, Miss Phyllis.
Good morning, Twinkle Toes.
Oh, I had such a
wonderful time last night.
You're such fun.
Thank you, ma'am.
Uh, you're a heap
of fun yourself.
Sure is a pretty day, isn't it?
It's a beautiful day.
What do you say we
go out to the racetrack?
Well, uh, to tell
you the truth, uh,
I don't feel too much like doing
any fast running this morning.
(laughing)
Oh, you say the cutest things.
No, we'll watch the horses run.
Oh, the horse races.
Well, uh, is there
a county fair on?
Well, sort of.
How about it?
Can I drop by and pick you up?
Well, um, thank you
very much, Miss Phyllis,
but, uh, I kind of thought I'd
just sort of take it easy today.
That's right.
Now, you get into bed
with a hot water bottle,
and I'll fetch some liniment
for your poor,
tired, aching bones.
Next time, maybe you'll listen
to me and act your age.
Miss Phyllis, I'd be
right pleasured to go
to the horse races
with you today.
Wonderful.
I'll be there in 45 minutes.
Bye.
Bye.
Horse races?
Yep, we's going
to the fairground.
Nightclubbing ain't enough.
Now she's turning you
into a daytime playboy.
Well, wait till she
gets you to that fair.
She'll have you
buying her satin pillows
and painted ashtrays
and Kewpie dolls.
She'll have you taking
her to the sideshows,
and you'll be buying her chances
on the Wheel of Fortune.
Well, you can say good-bye
to your millions, Jed Clampett.
And when your money's
gone, she'll drop you.
What will you do then?
I'll get into bed with
a hot water bottle,
and you can fetch
me some liniment.
Come on down, sugar daddy!
That city siren is here.
She's painting her
face and getting ready
to lead you along
the primrose path.
Come on.
See if you can
hobble down the stairs.
I'm down, Granny.
How did you get here?
Come the back way.
See?
She's already turned
you into a sneak.
ELLY MAY: Whoo-ee!
Hey, Pa, where you
going all dressed up?
Never mind, Elly.
It ain't for young,
innocent ears.
But remember him
the way he looks now.
The next time you see him,
he'll be dressed
like a city sport.
(knocking)
He'll be wearing pointy
yellow shoes with spats,
bellbottom pants
and a flashy blazer,
carrying a gold top cane
and chewing Sen-Sen.
Oh, howdy, Miss Phyllis.
Hello, Mr. Clampett.
Isn't it a perfect
day for the races?
Yeah, it sure is.
Oh, say, Miss Phyllis,
before we get to them
races, could we stop
and get me some,
uh, sporty city clothes?
PHYLLIS: That's
a wonderful idea.
Well, good, uh, I'd
like some of them, uh,
pointy yellow shoes
and some, uh, spats
and some bellbottom
pants and, uh,
one of them, uh, flashy blazers.
Well, if we can't find those,
I have some other suggestions.
Hop in.
Yes, ma'am.
Uh, kind of little, isn't it?
Oh, there's plenty of
room once you get in.
Yeah, well, uh...
Well, sit down.
Yes, ma'am, I'll do that.
(sighs) I made it.
(engine starting)
Well, gets easier every time.
Say, I sure do want to thank you
for helping me pick
out these new duds.
My pleasure.
You look wonderful.
That's a dandy way
to buy things, that, uh...
what was it you started
for me in all them stores?
Charge accounts.
Yeah, that way a fella
don't have to carry money,
but that don't work
at the racetrack, huh?
No, we need cash there.
Well, uh, how much
you think I ought to get?
Well, the more money you
take, the more fun you have.
Well, come on in.
Let's get a big sack full.
And furthermore, Senator,
I would like to remind you
of your campaign
promise in which you said...
By thunder, that's Jed Clampett!
The senator said that?
Come here quickly.
Isn't that Mr. Clampett?
Why, yes, it is.
All dressed up and
with an attractive woman.
Why, it's a miracle.
Miracle, nothing... I
planned the whole thing.
You, Chief? Yes, me.
I got tired of waiting
for you to get results,
so I took matters
into my own hands.
I cleverly reasoned
that if Mr. Clampett
were to meet the right woman,
it would create in him a
desire to improve himself,
so I carefully selected
the right woman
and got them together.
Who is she?
Oh, Phyllis somebody or other.
It's not important.
But it just proves
what I've always said.
If you want
something done right,
you do it yourself.
In all fairness, Chief,
I have often suggested
this very plan.
Oh, baloney, this is my plan.
JED: Well, howdy,
Mr. Drysdale, Miss Jane.
By George, Mr. Clampett,
you look wonderful.
And you, too, Miss,
uh... Butterfield.
Oh, yes, of course,
I should know that.
I'm responsible for you
two having a date last night.
Well, I want to
thank you for that.
Oh, me, too, Mr. Drysdale.
Ah, Milburn, Milburn.
My pleasure, dear lady.
Did you have a good time?
Oh, yes, we went nightclubbing,
and we danced till dawn.
Did you hear that,
Miss Hathaway?
They danced till dawn.
We're gonna have some
more fun this afternoon.
Wonderful.
Yes, I'm taking
Mr. Clampett to the racetrack.
Oh, marvelous.
Did you hear that,
Miss Hathaway?
They're going to the racetrack.
And we'd like a nice, big sack
full of money to take along.
Did you hear that,
Miss Hathaway?
They'd like a nice, big...
What did you say?
Sack full of money.
Make it big bills, please.
They're easier to carry.
They'd like a
sack full of big...
DRYSDALE: I heard it!
I heard it.
All right, let's go
down to the cashier
and... and get it.
Well, thank you.
You and your stupid plan.
All right, Debbie,
you and George.
You stay there.
No, you've got to drive.
Herman, you stay there.
Okay.
What are you doing
with all them
varmints in the truck?
Well, Granny, as
long as we's going
out to the fairgrounds,
I figured my critters
might win some blue ribbons.
We is going to the
fairgrounds to find your pa
and to fetch him back
home before it's too late.
We ain't got no
time for livestock.
Yes'm, Granny.
Besides... (horn honking)
if they is giving a ribbon
for being a prize monkey,
your pa has done won it.
Jethro, get a move on!
Granny, we need your help!
I ain't got time for
you, Mr. Drysdale.
Jed is mixed up with a
high-stepping city woman!
Oh, no, it's worse than that.
We've been doing
some investigating!
He's mixed up with a
notorious gold digger.
A scheming adventuress!
A money-hungry chorus girl!
Three more.
He's gone hog wild!
Hurry, young'uns.
We got to get to the
fairgrounds and save Jed.
He's done started
himself a harem.
Granny, there's only one woman,
but she's more than a
match for Mr. Clampett.
And they're not
at the fairgrounds.
They have gone to the racetrack.
With a whole sack
full of my money!
I mean, Mr. Clampett's money.
And from what we've
found out about Phyllis,
it will not last long.
Yeah. She loves
to bet on the horses.
You mean she's a gambling woman?
That is putting it mildly.
She'll go through my money...
I mean, Mr. Clampett's money...
Like a hot Kn*fe through butter.
Let's go!
We'll take my car. Yeah.
Hold on, young'uns.
You ain't going no place
where there's horse
betting and chorus girls!
Well, I like horses.
And I like chorus girls.
You stay here and keep a
light burning in the window.
If we don't find Jed,
he'll come dragging home tonight
flat busted without
a friend to his name.
Like all gamblers and playboys.
(crying)
RACE ANNOUNCER:
front, Cassie L. and Wanda T.
It's Cassie L. in front,
and D.G. is second.
Tammy G. is third.
Roses Red.
And Wanda T.
There coming down to the...
and Cassie L. wins it!
(laughs)
You did it again!
Did what?
You picked the winner!
Well, ain't that what
you're supposed to do?
I told you not to
bet on that beetle.
But, Marge... Every tip sheet...
Every tip sheet had
him to win in a walk!
They were half right.
He walked, but he didn't win.
So sue me.
You and your tip sheets!
He's had three winners in a row,
and he hasn't
even got a program.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Mister, how do you do it?
Oh, well, uh, that
ain't what it looks like.
She's just happy
'cause I told her which
horse is gonna win.
That's what I mean.
How do you pick those winners?
Well, it's easy.
I just pick out the horse
that looks like he
can outrun the others.
Huh.
I knew he wouldn't
tell me anything.
He's probably got friends.
I wish I was one of them.
Hey, Mister, how
much have you won?
Well, uh, nothing, ma'am.
Nothing?!
You've had the
winner every race.
Yes, ma'am, but I don't bet.
Why not?
Well, I don't need the money,
and knowing who's gonna
win kind of takes the fun out of it.
Uh-huh.
You're right.
We're not gonna get a
straight answer out of him!
Don't worry about it, Marge.
I got a sure
thing in the fourth.
I'm sorry, Chief.
There just are
no parking places.
There must be over
50,000 people here.
Oh, that's all right.
This is close to
Cavanaugh's box.
That's where they're sitting.
Is all these folks here to
bet on the horse races?
That's about the
size of it, Granny.
Now, look, we'll wait here.
It's probably better
if you tackle
Mr. Clampett alone.
You're right. He might resent
our interfering in a
matter so personal.
Here's the location
of Cavanaugh's box.
Just show it to any usher.
Good luck, Granny. Don't worry.
I'll give that gambling
woman what fer!
And it won't hurt
the rest of them folks
to hear what I
got to say, neither!
Will you be able to
find us in all these cars?
When I get done talking
on the evils of gambling,
there won't be
all of these cars!
I might just empty
that place out!
(bell ringing)
RACE ANNOUNCER: There they go.
Sugar Dandy is
going to the front.
Blue Jeans is second.
Molly Fair is third, Dixie Cup,
Fan Dancer and Busy Bee.
Passing the
stand the first time,
Sugar Dandy in front
three quarters of a length.
Molly Fair is
second, a half length.
Fall's Folly is third by a head.
Blue Jeans is fourth
and... Sit down, Fred.
I told you I had a
sure thing in this race!
Look at Sugar Dandy.
They'll never catch him!
By a length and one half.
Fall's Folly is second
by a half length.
Molly Fair is...
What do you think
of Sugar Dandy?
Fine horse, ma'am.
Right fast runner.
But a mite narrow in the
chest to keep it up for a mile.
Busy Bee is gonna win.
Fred? What?
Busy Bee is gonna win.
Are you out of your mind?
He's 40 to one!
And Sugar Dandy in front
by a length and one half.
Blue Jeans is second.
And trailing by ten lengths.
Here comes Busy Bee.
It's Sugar Dandy in front...
Look! Busy Bee's
starting to move up!
And Busy Bee charging on
the outside, Sugar Dandy...
I kind of figured he
would long about now.
He got a heap of pushing
in them big hind quarters.
Busy Bee in the
middle of the track.
There's Sugar Dandy,
Busy Bee on the outside.
That's it. Sugar Dandy
in front by three lengths.
There's Sugar Dandy in front...
And Busy Bee moving
in the middle of the track.
Here comes Busy
Bee on the outside.
There's Sugar Dandy in front.
Busy Bee is third.
Busy Bee is now second.
And Busy Bee moving to
the front and pulling away.
And Busy Bee in
front by a few inches...
(cheering)
Had enough, Fred?
I'll get even on this next race.
You got another sure
winner, have you?
Don't bug me, Marge.
Just give me some money.
What for? You want to
buy some more tip sheets?
You're bugging me, Marge.
Do you want to go
home or fight here?
You're getting me mad, Marge.
Let's face it... you
can't pick a winner!
I should have known
that on my wedding day!
Oh, yeah?! Yeah!
Why couldn't I have
married somebody like him?
Because you don't look like her!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Maybe we ought
to get out of here
before we cause
any more trouble.
You don't want to go
home this early, do you?
Well, we don't have to go home.
We could do some more shopping.
For you this time.
Let's go.
Right down here, madam.
Well, here you are.
Where's Jed and
that chorus girl?
Well, I don't know, madam.
Perhaps they stepped
out for refreshments.
Why don't you sit
down here and wait?
Marge, I've got it!
A real sleeper!
Give me some money.
Not a penny!
Aw, Marge!
This is grocery money!
All right, so give me
some grocery money.
Not a chance!
Now are you coming with me?
Marge, have a heart!
Just a few dollars of
grocery money! Please!
Drop dead!
Marge, don't do this to me!
Please! I beg you!
Marge! Margy?!
Sonny, wouldn't she give
you no grocery money?
Not a cent!
And five bucks
could get me well.
Is you sick?
I've been sick
since the first race.
Wait!
That's no time to
do without vittles.
Here.
Bless you!
I'll split everything
I get with you!
Oh, I'm not hungry.
You don't have to...
(bell ringing)
RACE ANNOUNCER: There they go!
It's Hazy Mountain in front.
Lisa Lisa is second.
My Leap Year is third.
And Lisa Lisa.
It's Hazy Mountain...
and Lisa Lisa.
It's Hazy Mountain in front.
Hazy Mountain wins...
Lisa Lisa is second...
Here it is!
It's half yours!
Where'd you get that?
I bet your five dollars
to win on a long sh*t.
You mean, you gambled
my money on a horse race?!
That's right, and I
finally picked a winner!
Well, don't stand there.
Sit down and pick another one!
Do you think she could
have gotten lost, Chief?
No. She probably had
a little set-to with Phyllis.
But it shouldn't take this long.
It's time for the seventh race.
Well, maybe she's
lecturing those 50,000 people
on the evils of gambling.
(chuckling): Oh,
Chief, who would listen?
49,000 losers.
RACE ANNOUNCER:
Molly Fair is third...
Come on, Red Rover!
Ride him, cowboy!
Take her to the outside.
GRANNY: Come on, Red Rover!
Come on! Come on!
Come on, Red Rover!
(cheering)
Yeah! We did it!
We did it! We did it!
We did it again!
Give me your
tickets, I'll cash us in.
That can wait.
Let's handicap the last race.
What do you think
of Thelma's Girl?
What did she do
her last time out?
Placed.
Yeah, but that
was a muddy track.
I like Rosy Dawn.
She had a fast
workout this morning.
She's carrying light weight.
And the shoe is up.
I think she's due.
(music playing)
Hey, Uncle Jed,
I bet you didn't know I
was such a good dancer!
No, I sure didn't, Jethro.
Your granny home yet?
Uh, no, sir.
My, you look handsome.
Oh, where shall we
go for dinner tonight?
Well, let's not go
anyplace just yet.
It's still early.
Why don't you and
Jethro dance some more?
Hot dog! Come on, show
me some more of them steps.
Pa, come here. I
want to talk to you.
Pa, if you don't leave
before Granny gets home,
you're gonna catch the dickens!
I know, Elly.
Well, she says Miss Phyllis
is a gold digging chorus girl,
just after you for your money.
I know that, too.
Well, why don't you go?
Elly, I have invested a whole
day and a heap of money
just so Granny can have
the pleasure of being right.
I can't spoil it now.
Why, she's gonna
have more fun than...
JETHRO: Hey, Granny,
you finally got home!
PHYLLIS: Hello, Granny.
Excuse me, Elly.
Here comes Granny's big moment.
Evening, Granny.
Miss Phyllis and me is going out
to supper and then dancing.
Mr. Drysdale, did
anything happen to Granny?
I'll say.
She had the winners
of the fifth, sixth
and seventh races.
Yeah?
Blew it all on the eighth.
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪