♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Jed, look at this.
What happened, Granny?
Jethro has been
skimmin' his iron hat again.
Cut the head off
of another statue.
Beats me how that boy
can stand to wear that hat.
It must weigh 25 pounds.
Where did he get the
notion to put iron in his hat?
He's got enough in his head.
Same place he got the
notion to wear that secret radio
in the heel of his
shoe, or rig up the truck
with a smoke screen maker
and an oil slick spreader.
From seeing a movie
about a double naught spy.
Phew.
Rascal sure presses
on a fella's brain.
(door opening)
Hi, Granny. (door closing)
How do you like my spy coat?
(loud pop music playing)
Doggone my secret radio.
(music stops)
Every time I step down on it,
the blasted thing
commences playing.
Why don't you take the durn
fool thing out of your shoe?
Hey, that sounds
like a pretty good idea.
Does make it hard
to shadow other spies.
Let's see... where's
a good place for it?
Well, why don't you
put it in your hat?
Yeah.
And I'll tell you another thing you
can do, double naught. What's that?
You can stop skimmin'
that iron hat around.
(loud clank)
(loud pop music playing)
(loud clank, music stops)
Granny, that sets a
fella's head to throbbin'.
Any more hat skimmin',
and I'll set your
other end a-throbbin.
Granny...
Now you get your Uncle
Jed down to the bank.
Ain't you comin'?
No, I ain't.
Elly May's gonna be crowned
Queen of the Bankers
Ball and get her picture took.
She can get her
picture took without me.
Well, I don't care
nothing about it neither.
I got a date to do some double
naught spying with Miss Slocum.
Who's Miss Slocum?
She's the girl Elly b*at
in the beauty contest.
She works down to
Mr. Cushing's bank.
Well, you get your Uncle Jed
down to Mr. Drysdale's bank.
And don't eject him
into no tree while doing it.
Yes'm.
Tie your shoe first.
You might fall down
and hurt yourself.
(loud clank)
Hey, Uncle Jed...
hey, Uncle Jed...
help me get my iron hat off.
All right, boy, hold steady now.
(rattling)
Lot of stuff in here.
Doggone!
There goes my secret radio!
All right, Miss Clampett,
on the count of three,
let's have a nice, big smile.
One, two, three.
Mr. Drysdale, I wonder
if I could get one picture
where you aren't
standing next to the queen.
Of course. Where would
you like me to pose?
I have an idea.
I'll be looking out the window,
and then you'll get my profile.
How's this?
Great. Don't move.
Nice, big smile.
Chin up a little.
Good. Hold it.
Now smooth back your hair.
Good.
There we are.
Now, just one more.
And would you sit on
the edge of the desk
and just cross your legs
so we can see
those beautiful legs.
That's it.
(laughing): Well, I
never thought of myself
as having beautiful legs.
Do what?
Mr. Clampett is here, Chief.
Howdy.
Howdy, Pa.
How do you like my queen getup?
My, ain't that pretty.
Mr. Clampett, you're just in
time to have your picture taken
with the Queen of
the Bankers Ball.
Oh, no, thank you.
I'd like to get
one, Mr. Clampett.
Come on, Pa.
Well, if you're sure it
won't bust your camera.
That's it. Very nice.
Now on the count of three.
One... two... That's it.
What happened to three?
My finger slipped.
Thanks, everybody. Bye.
Now wait a minute. I
want some sh*ts of me
for the front page of
the Banker's Journal.
Well, Elly, Jethro's waiting
downstairs on his spy car.
You best get changed.
Oh, Mr. Clampett, Elly May's
duties are just beginning.
She's going to reign over the
Banker's Association luncheon today.
Well, doggies.
Mr. Drysdale is
master of ceremonies.
And you're invited
too, of course.
Oh, no, today is Groundhog Day.
It is?
Yeah, and Granny's whompin'
up a stewed groundhog.
Gee whiz, Miss Jane,
do I have to miss that?
Well...
Well, don't let that
fret you, Elly May.
When you get home
for supper tonight,
you can have groundhog hash.
(loud whistle)
We were robbed, Miss Slocum.
You should have won
that beauty contest.
But, Mr. Cushing,
Elly May Clampett is...
Elly May Clampett...
She doesn't even
work in Drysdale's bank.
Her father just keeps
his $45 million there.
And what is more, you are
ten times prettier than she is.
Oh, now, really...
You just wait till that Bankers
Association luncheon today.
I am gonna raise the roof,
then drop it right
on Drysdale's head.
(knocking)
What is it?
Mr. Cushing, can
Miss Slocum come out
and do some double
naught spying with me?
Not today, Jethro. We're busy.
Well, then can my Uncle Jed
just come in and say howdy?
Jethro, you heard
what the man said.
He's busy. Now come on.
No, wait!
Mr. Clampett, come in!
Come in, sir!
Well, Mr. Clampett...
I've been wanting
to meet you, sir.
This is a real pleasure.
Thank you.
You know, I was just saying
that your daughter
certainly deserved
to win that beauty contest.
Well, I don't think
so. Miss Slocum's
a heap prettier
than Cousin Elly.
Oh, nonsense.
Miss Slocum is a
nice, wholesome girl,
but Elly May Clampett... one
of the world's great beauties.
Well, we just come over
to say how sorry we are
there couldn't be two winners.
Miss Slocum is right pretty,
and Jethro's
right took with her.
Uh-huh-huh.
Well, Miss Slocum is
right took with Jethro.
Aren't you?
Uh, uh, yes, sir.
Hot dog!
Hey, listen, Uncle Jed,
this bank is a heap more
fun than Mr. Drysdale's.
Why don't you keep
your money here?
Yeah.
Well, it's something
to think about.
But I wouldn't want you coming over
and making a nuisance of yourself.
A nuisance? Jethro?
Oh, we love having him.
Here, my boy, let
me have your hat.
(loud clank) (yells in pain)
Is it hurt bad?
Heck no, it's made of iron.
(clunk)
Iron... uh, come over, sit down.
Let's talk.
Well, we got to be getting home.
Granny is cooking
up something special.
Say, why don't you
and Miss Slocum
take noon vittles with us?
How about that, Mabel?
Well, Mr. Cushing has
to attend a luncheon...
At Mr. Clampett's house.
Oh, we'd love to come.
That'll pleasure Granny a heap.
She loves to have
company on Groundhog Day.
She sure does.
Well, we'll be looking for you.
Well, we'll be there.
Bye. Good-bye, sir.
Bye. Bye.
(door closes)
(laughing)
Groundhog Day is
the second of February.
Miss Slocum, when
a man with $45 million
says it's Groundhog
Day, it's Groundhog Day.
I don't care if it's
the Fourth of July.
Yes, sir.
Oh, boy, and Drysdale thinks
he's going to a
banker's luncheon.
(cackling)
DRYSDALE: And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
I have the honor to
present our beautiful queen,
Her Royal Highness,
Miss Elly May Clampett.
(applause)
Isn't she lovely?
You know, the savings and
loan companies like to brag
about their interest figures.
Well, let's see them
come up with a figure
that'll draw more
interest than that.
(applause)
I noticed that my
colleague, Mr. John Cushing
of the Merchants Bank
is conspicuous by
his absence today.
Well, I guess poor
old John figures
the only time he can
land a new account
is when the rest of us
bankers are busy having lunch.
(laughter)
Of course, it isn't John's fault
that he trails behind a little.
He hasn't got what we've got...
That drive that prods a
man onward and upward.
That powerful force
that never let's us rest.
John hasn't got that.
He never married.
(laughter)
Oh, Elly May deserved
to be queen all right.
She's a real beauty.
And now that I have met you,
I see where she got it.
Oh, Mr. Cushing.
Oh, it's true, it's true.
Well, now, which
would you rather do,
wash or dry?
Oh, no, no. You're company.
You ain't gonna
help with the dishes.
I'd like to.
Oh, nothin' doin'.
You probably get
enough of that at home,
helping your wife.
Oh, I haven't got a wife.
What was that?
I have no wife.
I've never married.
What would you
rather do, wash or dry?
Granny, you ain't fixi"
to let Mr. Cushing wash
the dishes, are you?
Oh, I don't mind.
It's all right, Jed.
Well, it ain't
nothing of the kind.
Mr. Cushing is company.
It's all right, Jed.
No, I'll help with the dishes.
Besides, Mr. Cushing's
got a bank to tend to.
It's all right, Jed!
Granny, you wouldn't
want to be responsible
for Mr. Cushing neglecting
his bank, would you?
It's all right, Jed!
And I assure you, sir, I
am not neglecting my bank.
See, Mr. Cushing don't get a
chance to wash dishes at home.
He ain't married.
He ain't got no wife.
He's single.
Oh... oh... oh...
Well, I just
remembered something
that needs doing outside.
Mr. Clampett, you know it
would please me very much
if you and your lovely family
would be my guests
for dinner tonight.
Well, that's very nice of you,
but, uh, Granny is figuring on
whompi" up some special hash
that Elly's particular...
Well now, couldn't
the hash wait, Granny?
Well, that's strictly up to Jed.
Well, how about
it, Mr. Clampett?
May I take your family
out to dinner tonight?
Well, uh... Then
it's all settled.
What time?
How about 7:00?
Dandy!
Yeah, I got a few yocks. Yeah.
That's a show-business
expression, Fred.
Fellas like Hope and
Benny and myself say that
when we get big laughs.
(knocking) Come in.
I came by to pay off our
bet, but your secretary's gone.
Oh, yeah, she's out
driving the queen around.
Talk to you later, Fred.
The loser just walked in.
Well, John, we certainly
missed you at the luncheon today.
Your office said you're out
working on a new account.
That's right.
Oh, I made a few jokes about it
at the luncheon, but...
in all sincerity, good luck.
I hope you land it.
Well, thank you, Milburn.
I-I'm going to do my best.
That's the old
pepper, Johnny Boy.
Now, just because
you're trailing my bank,
by a few million,
don't get discouraged.
A fellow has to go out and
hustle for new business.
Now, you take my
Clampett account.
All right.
Three years ago, when
I landed that account,
I was right where you are,
trailing the big boys.
But I'm up there now Johnny,
and I'm gonna stay there.
You know why?
Because I think
on my feet. I'm fast.
I roll with the punches.
I know when to
feint, to jab, to clinch.
Look, Milburn, I just
came by to pay off the bet.
Now you see?
There is a perfect example
of fast thinking on my part.
Your bank had
that beauty contest
in the bag with Miss Slocum,
and then wham-wham!
I came up with Elly May
Clampett, and you were down
for the count.
Here's your check.
Well, now that it's all over,
I'll tell you something.
I gave you a little
low sh*t there
because Elly doesn't
really work for me.
But you know the saying,
"All's fair in love,
w*r and banking."
I never heard that. Who said it?
I did. And it's a good
one to remember
when you're up
against the champ.
(phone rings) Oh.
Probably another one
of my fans calling me.
How about dinner tonight?
I can't. I'll be out
hustling a new account.
Good for you. A big one?
The biggest.
Nah, couldn't be.
Hello. Oh, Harry.
Oh, yes, I-I got a few yocks.
"Yock," that's a show
business expression, Harry.
Fellows like Red Skelton
and myself say that
when we get big laughs.
Cousin Bessie, it's
time for breakfast!
Where are ya?
(thumping)
Bessie, you come out of there!
That's Jethro's
bulletproof shield.
You better not let Jethro
catch you playing on his spy car.
Come on. Get
ready for breakfast.
Well, Jed, what about it?
You gonna put your money
in Mr. Cushing's bank?
I'm studying on it, Granny.
What's there to study on?
Well, I can't just
take my money out
of Mr. Drysdale's bank
without a good reason.
I'll give you plenty of reasons.
Has Mr. Drysdale
ever took us out
like Mr. Cushing
done last night?
Has Mr. Drysdale
ever brung me a orchid?
Has Mr. Drysdale
ever danced with me
like Mr. Cushing done?
Well, no, Granny, but
Mr. Drysdale's got a wife.
Mr. Cushing's a single man.
There's the best reason of all.
Looky who's here to see ya.
Good morning, good morning.
I hope you'll forgive my
barging in like this, Mr. Clampett.
Well, no, glad to
see you. Sit down.
No, no, no. I just happened
to see these American Beauties
in the florist's window,
and they reminded me of
the roses in your cheeks.
Oh! Oh, Mr. Cushing... John.
Mr. Cushing brung
me a box of candy.
I'm gonna share it
with cousin Bessie.
Cousin Bessie?
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't
know about cousin Bessie.
She could have joined
us for dinner last evening.
Well, her table manners
ain't too good yet.
Yeah, she keeps picking
up the fork with her feet.
Yes, well, I'd better be
getting back to my bank.
Oh, and speaking of my bank,
I hope you have given
some consideration
to what we discussed
last evening?
We been talking about it.
And Jed is ready to put
his money in your bank.
Now hold on, Granny.
I said I'd study on it.
Now, that's right, Mr. Clampett.
You think it over
carefully, sir.
(sighs)
I'll see you to the door, John.
You wait for me in the pantry.
Yes, fine. Good-bye,
Mr. Clampett.
Well, Jed, how about it?
Well, Granny, I said
I'm gonna have to study on this
and have a long talk
with Mr. Drysdale.
Aaah!
Jed, ain't you always told me
that part of that
money was mine?
That's right. One-quarter.
One quarter? 25 cents
out of all them millions?
Granny, I mean
one-fourth of all I got.
Well, here comes, Jethro.
You have him cipher it out,
'cause I'm gonna put my
money in Mr. Cushing's bank.
Hey, Uncle Jed, you
know where I been?
I've been out getting a
brand-new secret radio.
Fine, Jethro. Now sit down.
I got some ciphering
for you to do.
First, see can you guess
where my secret radio's hid?
No, I can't, Jethro.
Now sit down.
Aw, come on, try.
How about my iron hat?
Reckon it's hid there?
Yeah.
You're wrong. (laughs)
All right, Jethro. Now sit down.
Aw, try again.
It's in your pocket.
Which one?
The one with your hand in it.
Wrong again! Give up?
Yeah, Jethro. Now sit down.
And get to ciphering.
Looky here.
It's what you call
a secret wrist radio.
Jethro got my ciphering done?
Not yet, Granny.
Aaah!
Jethro, sit down and
get a pencil and paper.
(music playing)
Ain't that the
double naught end?
I betcha I'm the only spy
in the whole world
that's got a radio like this.
(radio crunches)
Yep, you're right.
Out of my way. Out of my way!
Well, where you going?
I'm going to Mr. Drysdale's
bank to get my money.
Now stand clear.
Jethro ain't gonna like
you driving his spy car.
What Jethro don't
like, he can lump!
(screaming)
Get me out of here!
(screaming and banging)
Get me out of this!
Who put me under that big...?!
Granny, are you all right?
I'm not all right!
Hey, ain't nobody allowed
to drive my spy car 'cept me.
Well, get in here and get at it!
I'll sit on the ejector seat.
I got ciphering to do!
You got driving to do!
(metallic clang)
Now go!
You want what?
I want my share of Jed's money.
Jethro said it's somewheres
around $11 million.
(chuckles) Now, what
in the world would you do
with $11 million?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
Now let's have it.
In here? In here.
Granny, have you been at
your rheumatis medicine again?
No, I ain't.
And get your
finger out of my face
and commence giving me my money.
Oh, well, all right. There.
Now, if you need any
more, you just let me know.
How much was that? $30.
Well, I'm letting you
know I need more. Oh.
Now, why don't you let Miss
Hathaway drive you home, eh?
Mr. Drysdale, are you
gonna give me my money
or ain't ya?
Of course. Now you run along.
I'll drop by this evening
and we'll talk about it.
Mr. Clampett to see you, Chief.
Oh, good.
What are you doing here?
Elly told me what you was up to.
Well, I'll tell you something
that she ain't told ya.
Mr. Drysdale won't
give me my money.
He's been slippery-
footin' around here
like a hog on ice.
If you ask me, he ain't got it.
Granny didn't mean
that, Mr. Drysdale. Hoo!
I understand.
I know you got the money.
No apologies
necessary, Mr. Clampett.
Now we won't take up
no more of your time.
Thank you.
Just give her the
money and we'll go.
$11 million?
Whatever one-fourth
of all I got comes to,
that's her share.
(stammering): Well, well...
See? He ain't got it.
Granny!
You got the money,
ain't ya, Mr. Drysdale?
Of course, but...
Well, then go ahead
and give it to her.
All right, I'll, I'll have
a check drawn up.
Hold it right there!
I don't want no check.
I want my money... cash.
Cash?
Cash!
We do favor cash.
But I haven't got $11 million!
You see? I told ya.
He spent it! He ain't got it!
If you ask me, you
been slickered, Jed.
Now, Granny. How much
have you got, Mr. Drysdale?
Possibly $200,000 or
$300,000 in the vault.
That's all you got left
out of my $45 million?
No, I've got all of your money.
Well, where is it?!
It's invested:
stocks, bonds, loans,
primary, secondary securities.
That's slicker talk
if I ever heared it.
Mr. Drysdale, you always told me
I had $45 million in cash.
But you have, but
it's not cash cash.
Like I said, it's invested.
I've got it spread out
all over the country.
Well, maybe you'd better
start getting it together.
It'd ease my mind
considerable to see it.
Great Scott, man!
It would take weeks
and weeks and weeks
to get $45 million in cash!
You don't understand!
See, Mr. Cushing?
Told you they was here.
Pays to have a double naught
spy working for you, don't it?
Indeed it does.
John, Mr. Drysdale
won't give us our money.
Really? Well,
we'll see about that.
You're behind this,
Cushing, you pirate!
Control yourself, Milburn.
To quote the champ, "All is
fair in love, w*r and banking."
Now let's get busy and
transfer that account, shall we?
Oh, it was beautiful,
Harry, beautiful! (chuckles)
I left Drysdale on the
field of battle a broken man.
(knocking)
Come in.
Howdy.
Oh, uh, talk to you later.
Howdy, John!
Hiya. Howdy, Mr. Cushing.
Well, hello, hello!
Come in, come in!
Welcome, welcome! (chuckles)
Well, what can I,
what can I do for you?
Did you get our $45
million from Mr. Drysdale?
Every cent of it.
It's all safe and sound
right in the Merchants Bank.
That's dandy.
We'd like to see it.
Uh... see it?
In cash.
Uh, uh, I haven't got it.
Well, Granny?
Dogged if he didn't go through
it quicker than Mr. Drysdale.
(stammers)
I think we'd be better
off back with him.
CUSHING: Wait! Come
back! Let me explain!
No, no, you see,
it's all invested!
I have it in stocks,
bonds! Oh, Mr. Clampett!
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪