03x24 - Brewster's Honeymoon

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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03x24 - Brewster's Honeymoon

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Morning, Miss Hathaway. I
don't want to be disturbed.

But, Chief, more...

More oil has been discovered
on the Clampett place.

What was that?

More oil on the Clampett place?

Yes. This telegram
is from Mr. Brewster

of the O.K. Oil Company.
He says there's...

"New pool. Estimated
flow: 7,000 barrels a day."

Let's see. 7,000
barrels at... a barrel...

27 1/2% depletion allowance...

And that's only part
of the exciting news.

Mr. Brewster is
flying out from Tulsa

to get Mr. Clampett's
signature on the lease renewals.

Meantime, his fiancée is
flying out from New York.

They're going to meet
here and get married!

Isn't that romantic?

I'll say it is!

It means at least
another $10 million!

No, I mean getting married.

Oh, you're getting
married? Congratulations!

It could even be more.

Chief, it is Mr. Brewster
who is getting married.

His plane arrives at the
airport in about half an hour.

Would you like me to meet him?

No, no, no. I'll meet him!

I want to make sure
those leases get signed.

Let's see. $10 million
loaned out at eight percent...

Four into six...

There it is, Mr. Brewster.

That's where the Clampetts
are living right now.

What a magnificent estate!

Quite a change from that
little cabin in the hills, eh?

I'll say.

Yes, that place
has got everything...

Championship tennis court,
Olympic-size swimming pool.

The main house has
32 rooms, 14 baths,

and guess how many servants.

How many?

None.

(laughing)

You know, this is mighty
nice of you, Drysdale,

renting a helicopter
just to show me the...

Oh, think nothing of it.

I knew you'd get a kick
out of it. Well, I certainly am.

Say, while we're here, why
don't we land on the lawn?

What?

Well, we could get those
leases signed right now,

have it over with.
Good feeling, eh?

Money in the bank, so to speak.

Oh, no. No, thank you.

The last time I tried to
land near the Clampetts'

in a helicopter, Granny
took a sh*t at me!

Oh, that was three years
ago, back in the hills.

There's no danger now.

(helicopter blades whirring)

Hey, Granny, take it easy!

The last time you cut
loose at one of them,

it was that Brewster feller
coming to buy Uncle Jed's oil!

Yeah. If you would have hit him,

you wouldn't be living out
here in this fancy mansion!

That's right.
You'd still be back

in that poor little old cabin

shooing pigs and
chickens out the door.

Yeah. Of all the times to miss.

All right, pilot, you can
circle the place again.

Look, I've got to get back to
the airport and meet my fiancée!

Oh, she'll wait for you.

Look, the sooner we
get these leases signed,

the sooner that money
is going to start rolling in.

Mr. Drysdale, this
is my wedding day!

Her flight is due in 15 minutes.

Oh, we've got time.

Maybe her plane will be late.

Maybe something happened to it.

You know, like headwinds
or fog or something like that.

Oh. All right. Head
back to the airport.

Dad-blame Beverly Hills mansion!

Nothing but a big pile of rock!

Might as well live in a prison!

Well, I'm busting out!

Going back to the cabin!

And don't you try to stop me!

No, ma'am.

Young'uns, what set
Granny off this time?

One of them whirlybirds
come over and made her mad.

Yeah. It got her
thinking about the time

one flew over the
place back home.

Now she's homesick
for the cabin again.

Well, we can fix that.

You mean we's going home?

Well, you don't have to.

We still got that cabin
Mr. Drysdale put up

for Granny's birthday.

Hey, that's right!
It's all took apart,

but it wouldn't take no time
to throw it together again.

Bessie and me will help!

(loud crashing)

Come on, young'uns.

Let's get that one up before
she tears this one down!

Hello, Miss Hathaway.

No. We're still at the airport.

The bride-to-be just arrived.

Now that she's here,

I can't get his mind
back on the leases.

The man has lost
all sense of values!

Uh... Milburn, we'll see
you back at the bank.

We're going to have a
cozy little brunch for two.

Yes. We have so
much to talk about.

Well, you can talk in the car!

Just get a hamburger to go!

I'll call you from the
Clampetts' if we ever get there.

I don't care if it is
his wedding day!

I'm not letting
him out of my sight

until I get those leases signed!

Nothing's going right today!

Roof's all finished, Uncle Jed.

Fine, Jethro.

Now just nail this
porch railing in place

and we'll be just about done.

By dingies, it went up
faster than a barn-raising!

It did for a fact, Granny.
Anything missing?

Let's see... Oh, my jug.

Well, Bessie can fetch it.

No, Elly. I'd best do it.

That little monkey gets
one taste of Granny's corn,

we'll never get her
back on bananas!

No need for you lovebirds
to disturb yourselves.

Just give me the leases,
and I'll get them signed

without wasting a lot of time.

I know you're in a
hurry to get married.

Milburn, there's plenty of time.

The ceremony's set for 3:00.

Well, who needs a ceremony?

It's just a simple
lease signing.

The wedding ceremony. Oh, right.

I'm very anxious to
meet the Clampetts.

John has told me of
their transformation

from backwoods hillbillies

to Beverly Hills
multimillionaires.

I'm only sorry you
couldn't have seen them

the way they looked
three years ago

back in those hills.

I'll never forget Mr. Clampett

when he opened
the door of that cabin.

He looked like he hadn't
shaved for three days.

He had on an old, b*at-up hat,

faded blue jeans, a torn coat.

He was carrying a
jug of mountain dew.

(door opens)

Well, howdy, folks.

Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Mr. Clampett, you
remember Mr. Brewster here.

Well, doggies, I sure do!

How are you,
Mr. Brewster? He's fine.

He wants to get your
signature on some leases.

Well, come in, come in.

Well, thank you, Mr. Clampett.

I'll get things ready.

Mr. Clampett, may I present

my fiancée, Miss
Edythe Williams.

Well, howdy, ma'am.

How do you do, Mr. Clampett?

Did you say...? Yes, we're
getting married this afternoon.

Well, congratulations!

Thank you. Thank you.

Edythe is giving up a
very successful career

to become my wife.

She's a famous
New York decorator.

We'll I ain't never
seen New York,

but if you decorated it, I
bet you it's mighty pretty.

Well, she, she decorates homes.

Yes, and yours is
certainly magnificent.

May we see more of it?

Oh, you bet you can.

The rest of the
family's out back,

you'll see most of
it on the way. Good.

Now, Mr. Clampett, if
you'll just put your signature

where I've made
these little marks.

The sooner these
leases are signed,

the sooner my money...
your money will start rolling in.

Mr. Clampett?

Mr. Clampett?

Mr. Clampett?

Oh, what a lovely kitchen.

Come take a look out back.

Thank you. We'd love to.

Mr. Clampett?

Mr. Clampett?!

Mr. Clampett?!

Well, I wish you'd look at this.

Darling, this is exactly like

their little cabin
back in the hills.

Oh, what a charming idea.

Come on in, meet
the rest of the family.

We'll set a spell and visit.

Well, what happened
to Mr. Drysdale?

Oh, who knows?
He's been hounding me

all day to get
those leases signed.

Now that there's a
perfect opportunity,

he's asleep at the switch.

Mr. Clampett?

Mr. Clampett?

Mr. Clampett?!

Mr. Clampett?!

Granny?

These are perfectly
marvelous antiques.

Would you consider selling me

this spinning wheel and churn?

Well, they's the
only ones I got,

but you can use 'em.

It's good to see a
young bride these days

that likes to spin and churn.

Anything else I can
do for you, Granny?

Yes, boy, you can take the truck

and go get me
some nice, fat pigs.

Yes, ma'am. (chuckles)

I miss having pigs
around a place, don't you?

Well, I don't really...

I-I've never... That is...

Well, you like pigs, don't you?

Why, yes. Yes, of course.

They're charming.

Well, some is and some ain't.

Come join us, darling.

Here.

Mr. Clampett's been telling me

how he spent his honeymoon

in a cabin just like this one.

Really? Oh, how...

how charming and romantic.

Yes, ma'am, it was.

Yes, Edythe and I envy you

that honeymoon, Mr. Clampett.

Uh, well, so, so simple,
so uncomplicated.

Now, you take our
honeymoon plans.

Everything is on a
split-second schedule:

the plane to Las
Vegas, the wedding,

the reception, the
plane ride back,

the hotel
reservations tonight...

Oh, dear, that reminds me.

Did you arrange
for a photographer?

Oh! Forgot it completely.

There, you see? Already it's too

complicated for me to handle.

It seems a shame to
clutter up a honeymoon

with a lot of worries like that.

All we had to worry about

was what time the
shivaree started.

A what?

Shivaree.

Oh, it's a custom in
certain rural areas, darling,

where the friends and neighbors
of the newlyweds get together

and serenade them
by sh**ting off g*ns,

b*ating on pots and pans,
uh, blowing on horns, yelling.

In the middle of the night.

You're joking.

No... then, everybody come in,

had vittles, pass
the jug around.

It's a heap of fun, once
the first scare wore off.

(sighs)

Yes, it sounds like lots of fun.

Well, that's just another
one of the simple pleasures

we'll have to
miss, Mr. Clampett.

Speaking of
missing things, dear,

there's that plane to Las Vegas.

Oh, yeah, I forgot
that completely.

Uh, we haven't even got
the oil leases signed yet.

Come on, Mr. Clampett, let's...

let's find Drysdale.

Good-bye, Granny. Bye, Granny.

Good-bye, and happy honeymoon.

Thank you.

I'll see you two in,
uh, half a minute.

BREWSTER: Right, right.

Granny, we could
make their honeymoon

the happiest they ever was.

I bet you're thinking
of the same thing I am.

Let them stay here
in the cabin? That's it.

It seems a shame after
they took on over this place

to make them go to the hotel.

But, Jed, it should
be a surprise.

Now, how can we get
them to come back here?

Well, uh, I think I can
handle that, Granny.

Her name is Eleanor.

Ain't she pretty?

Uh, lovely. Beautiful.

Here, you can hold her.

Oh, here, let me.

Here we are.

I'll go catch
another one for you.

There you are.

(panting)

I didn't know this
cabin was up again.

(sighs) I bet I went
through that house

40 times looking for you.

(panting)

Well, you like chickens,
do you, Mr. Brewster?

Hmm?

Oh, oh, yes, indeed,
I... Mr. Clampett,

we just have time
to get your signature

on these oil leases
before we rush

this happy couple
to the airport.

Well, uh, I'm
gonna have to study

on these, Mr. Drysdale.

Oh, we-we might miss our plane.

Don't forget that
split-second schedule

I told you about.

Well, you go right ahead.

Fly up there, get the knot tied.

We'll take care of these
when you get back.

But-but-but, the... I...

Come on, get these
folks on that airplane.

Uh, leave everything else to us.

But-but-but-but... Uh,
Milburn, I-I-I think we better do

as Mr. Clampett wishes.

Uh, come along, dear.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye, Granny.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Shucks, I'm too late.

Miss Edythe wanted
a chicken to hold.

You hear that, Granny?

She's fond of them, too.

You know what else
she likes? What?

Spinning, churning and pigs.

Well, doggies!

They is gonna have
the happiest honeymoon

two city folks ever dreamed of.

Get a move on, Jethro.

It's a long drive
out to that airport.

JETHRO: Yes, sir, Uncle Jed!

We got to be there waiting
when them newlyweds come in.

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, and fetch
along a bag of rice.

Yes, sir.

How does it look, Pa?

Beautiful, just beautiful.

Can't you just picture them

sitting up there on that bench?

I can for a fact, Granny.

They is gonna be the
proudest, happiest pair

of newlyweds that
ever said, "I do."

Let's go, Uncle Jed.

What you got there?

Well, you said to fetch
along a bag of rice.

Put it down. But you said to...

Put it down.

(thudding) Well, gee whiz.

I done just what you told me.

If it ain't enough, say so.

I'll go fetch another bag.

Get on the truck...
We're gonna be late.

We'll have the cabin all
ready when you get back.

Fine and dandy.

Let 'er roll, boy.

(engine starting)

(sniffling)

What you crying fer, Granny?

It's all so beautiful.

Granny, the hogs is out!

Get back to the cabin!

You want to spoil
the honeymoon?!

(hogs squealing)

So, what's the news?

Any news?


What's the latest?

Well, tell me something!

Don't just sit there!

Chief, control yourself.

The news is exactly the same

as the last time you asked...

30 seconds ago.

I should have landed
that helicopter on the lawn.

I should have had those leases

signed then and there.

I should have held onto them.

I should have...

I blame you for this whole mess.

Why me?

Who else is there?

I just can't sit around.

I'm going out to the airport

and meet the Brewsters. Chief...

Mr. Clampett insisted
on meeting him.

By now, they're halfway home.

Goofed again, eh?

Oh, boy, are you in trouble.

(horn honking)

(cans clattering)

(honking)

I've never been so
embarrassed in my life.

Well, hang on, dear.

We'll be at the hotel soon.

I ain't never seen
such a loving couple.

They've been cuddling like that

ever since we left the airport.

I know.

(horn honking)

Darling, how much longer?

Uh, just another block.

Uh, Jethro, uh, that's the hotel

just up the street there.

Uh, but don't stop in front.

There's a basement garage.

Just-just make a turn at that...

at that alley there.

Oh, you're coming
home with us first.

We got a surprise for you.

Another one?

I mean, you've done
too much already.

Yes, this... this
ride from the airport

is something we'll never forget.

Shucks, that ain't nothing

compared to what's
waiting for you at home.

Well, if you mean the leases,

I-I can send a
messenger for those.

Oh, here, here's
the alley, Jethro.

Just make a... a... (sighs)

Now, you just sit back
and enjoy the ride.

This is your honeymoon.

They's cuddling again.

(giggling)

(horn honking)

(horn honking)

They's a-comin',
Granny, they's a-comin'!

Here's your rice.

BOTH: Surprise, surprise!

Surprise! (horn
continues honking)

(chickens clucking)

Surprise, surprise!

Surprise!

Surprise!

They's surprised all right.

Just look at their faces.

Surprise! Surprise!

John, surely, they
don't expect us

to stay here in this...
Oh, no, no, no, honey,

this is just a little reception.

Oh.

Well, folks, this is a
wonderful surprise.

You've made Mrs.
Brewster and me very happy.

Uh, yes, it's so kind of you.

I'll help you, dear.

Oh, my, honey, you
look just beautiful.

Sure do. Thank you.

Yes, isn't she the loveliest,

the most beautiful
thing you ever...

John. Huh?

John, that's our luggage.

Oh, no, no, Mr. Clampett.

Uh, don't carry those inside.

Now, Mr. Brewster,
you forget these.

You got something
else to carry inside.

You wait here, dear,
I'll straighten this out.

Uh, Mr. Clampett.

Uh, uh, Mr. Clampett,

uh, is it your intention

that Edythe and I stay here?

For as long as you want to.

I just want you to
have the same kind

of happy honeymoon that I did.

Well, we're very
grateful to you.

I don't want to hear no thanks.

I'm pleased to help

get your marriage
off to a good start.

Well, that's very nice
of you, Mr. Clampett,

but we have this
reservation at the hotel...

Oh, we canceled that
for you, Mr. Brewster.

See, life's getting
simpler already, ain't it?

Anything else I can do for you?

Want me to tote your bride

over the doorsill
for you? Jethro.

Uh, well, uh, no,
thank you, Jethro.

Okay.

Uh, uh, Mr. Clampett,
I-I want you to know

that Edythe and I are...
Now, there you go again.

Your happiness is
the only thanks I want.

Now, we're all gonna
clear out of here...

DRYSDALE: John! Mr. Clampett!

Here you are.

I've been going out
of my mind with worry.

Did everything
go all right? Fine.

You're just in time to
congratulate Mr. Brewster.

Oh, then, you got
the leases signed.

Congratulations.

No, I mean on getting married.

I ain't signed no leases.

You ain't?

Well, Mr. Clampett,
if we could get

that little matter over with...

Now, Mr. Brewster,
we ain't gonna

talk business on
your wedding night.

We ain't?

John, Mr. Drysdale

has his limousine out front.

He can take us to our hotel.

Mrs. Brewster, I got
good news for you.

You ain't spending your
honeymoon in no hotel.

I ain't?

ALL: No, you ain't.

(gasps, hog snorting)

Shh!

(chickens squawking)

Oh, it's you.

What was that terrible racket?

I'm afraid I stepped on one

of our wedding presents.

Now, John, listen to me.

You're my husband,
and I love you,

and I know how important

those oil leases are to you,

but I am not spending
my wedding night

in this animal shelter! Shh.

Please listen, I've
solved everything.

Oh, you have?

Yes, I've been out
scouting around.

The Drysdale home
is through the hedge

just beyond the swimming pool.

We'll slip over
there, call a taxi,

go down to the hotel.

Oh, John, you're wonderful.

Of course, I'll have to do a lot

of explaining in the morning,

but I'll worry about
that tomorrow.

I'll go change.

Just throw on a coat
and grab one bag.

Yes, dear. Hurry now.

Darling, I said just one bag.

Well, it's my cosmetic case.

I'll carry it. All
right, come on.

Hurry.

Don't step on any livestock.

Darling, it's so dark.

Shouldn't we take a
lantern or something?

No, the Clampetts might
see us if we did that.

You just hang onto me, dear.

Now, come on, let's go.

(Brewsters shriek, splash)

(hogs squealing)

(Brewsters gasping)

What was it, Jed?

Could you tell?

Granny, you ain't
gonna believe this,

but the Brewsters
just went swimming.

Swimming?

In the middle of the night?

On their honeymoon?

In that freezing cold water?

Don't ask me to
explain city folks,

especially when
they's newlyweds.

We better get on with our plans.

Yeah, it's getting
long about that time.

How do you feel, dear?

I'm finally dry.

Uh, me, too.

Let's try again.

Not without a lantern.

Okay, surely, the
Clampetts are asleep by now.

You know...

this, uh... this back
way may be a shortcut.

Let's, uh... (g*n f*ring)

(Edythe screaming,
Clampetts hollering, clanging)

(whistling, clanging,
yelling, g*n f*ring)

Wait, dear, it's
only a shivaree.

Look out!

Look out, you'll go in the pool!

(Edythe screaming, splash)

(clanging, yelling, whistling)

Quiet, everybody.

I think I just heard
him yell something

about going in the pool.

(splashing)

(Brewsters gasping)

Yep, there they go again.

Crazy city folks.

What will we do now, Pa?

Well, the way I look at
it, it's their honeymoon.

If they want to
spend it swimming,

that's their business.

Let's go to bed.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
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