♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
♪ ♪
This'll be the first
time in 65 years
that I ain't been able
to make my spring tonic!
And just because you
can't find medical supplies
in Beverly Hills!
Well, don't blame me, Granny.
I took ya to every
drugstore in town!
Don't call them
places drugstores!
Granny's right, Jethro.
Put the truck away.
Yeah, but the sign on
the front said drugstore.
I don't care what it says.
I say they's not drugstores!
They is whatnot shops!
Granny's right, Jethro.
Put the truck away.
You can buy automobile tires,
bedsprings, chocolate sodas,
but just let a doctor
walk in like I done
and ask for a
simple healin' drug
like bull nettle root
and wahoo bark
and they look at ya like
you was some kind of a nut!
Granny's right, Jethro.
Put the truck away.
Well, maybe they
don't sell bull nettle root
or wahoo bark.
Then don't call 'em drugstores!
Granny's right, Jethro.
Put the truck away. But the sign
on the front said drugstore!
Jethro!
Put the truck away.
Granny, look what
come from Aunt Pearl
while you was at the drugstore!
I didn't get took
to no drugstore.
I got took to a whatnot shop!
What's a whatnot shop?
That's what Jethro
calls a drugstore!
You can buy stepladders,
and garden hoses
and cheeseburgers!
Open the box, Granny.
But when a doctor
like me walks in
and tries to buy a
few lifesavin' dr*gs,
then you find out
it ain't no drugstore!
But the sign out
front said drugstore!
Jethro, put the truck away.
I don't care what the sign says.
Open the box, Granny.
If you can't believe a sign...
Put the truck away!
I believe what I believe!
Well, looky here, Granny.
Aunt Pearl sent
everything ya need
for your tonic!
I wouldn't have had to
take ya to the drugstore.
Take me where?!
He means the whatnot shop.
Now, let's all get together
and help Granny
make her spring tonic.
Jethro, you go out
and light a big fire
under the kettle... You told
me to put the truck away!
Well, now I'm tellin'
ya to make a fire!
Get going!
"Put the truck away, Jethro!
Light a fire, Jethro!"
I just got two hands!
I'm only human!
And it ain't a
whatnot shop neither!
It's a drugstore!
Come on, Elly, let's
go to the kitchen
and start making my tonic.
Well, now hold on, Granny.
You always made your
tonic out by the cement pond.
Jethro'll chop
wood, build a fire,
tote that big heavy
kettle, fill it with water...
All for nothing.
Yeah.
Well, that's what can happen
when you're so dumb
you don't know a drugstore
from a whatnot shop!
(laughs)
♪ ♪
Chief, guess who
is here to see you!
Who?
A member of
international royalty!
Her Ladyship, the Countess
Maria de Beauchamp
Constantine Smythe-Breckenridge
de Cordoba Halgershuld
Casabianca von Holstein!
No! Yes!
Well, lock the vault
and tell her I'm not in!
Chief!
Look, I've run into these
international
freeloaders before.
The longer the name, the
shorter the bank account.
But, Chief...
Give me a name like Ford,
Getty, Morgan, Clampett!
The countess is
worth $100 million.
Give me a name like...
"Maria de Beauchamp
Constantine..."
Why am I being kept waiting?
Oh, a thousand
pardons, your ladyship.
A hundred million pardons,
your Imperial Highness!
I'm a countess, not a queen.
And that is a hand,
not an ear of corn!
Oh, forgive me,
your Royal Majesty.
How may we be of
service to your ladyship?
Well, actually, the
purpose of my visit here
is to see the Clampetts again.
Say, that's right,
you became quite good
friends of my Clampetts.
Just a year ago this time.
Oh, yes, spring tonic time.
That's what brought
me back, really.
You know, I was in Paris
attending a party for the prince
when I suddenly
realized it was time
for Granny to start
brewing her magic elixir.
So I just hopped on a jet
without even stopping to change.
(both laugh)
The Clampetts will be
delighted to see you!
Oh, how are they?
Richer than ever!
I believe the countess
meant are they happy,
are they content.
I just answered
that... richer than ever.
Oh, speaking of
money, Mr. Drysdale,
I'll be needing some.
Now would you please
arrange to transfer a million or so
from one of my Swiss
accounts into your bank here?
Oh, yes, your gracious Majesty!
Do stop nibbling on me!
Now, I believe
I have one of my
cars in storage here,
but until I can
arrange for a chauffeur
I shall need transportation.
Oh, my faithful
and expensive secretary
is yours to command.
It will be my pleasure,
Your Ladyship.
Well, thank you.
That's very kind of you.
You know, I'm absolutely
helpless without a chauffeur.
Oh, speaking of chauffeurs,
how is Humphrey?
Who?
The rather elderly gentleman
who was driving you last year.
Yes, after some of Granny's
tonic, you married him.
Oh, of course. That Humphrey.
Oh, what a dear, sweet man.
I lost him soon
after the wedding!
Oh? What a pity!
Yes, we were given a
huge wedding reception,
and I lost him in the crowd.
You never found him?
No, and I...
I stayed until the
last guest had gone.
Well, here is the
information you'll need
on my Swiss bank.
Now, let's run along, my dear,
we have lots of shopping to do.
You know, speaking of Humphrey,
I miss him terribly!
He was such an
excellent chauffeur.
I'll tell the Clampetts
to be expecting you.
Oh, yes, thank you.
I do hope Mr. Clampett
hasn't changed.
He was so... so different.
Such a vital, stimulating man.
He still is!
Richer than ever!
What do you think, Granny?
Reckon makin' your
tonic inside has hurt it any?
Won't know for
sure till I test it,
but I think we have
a good, stout batch,
don't you, Jed?
Well, judgi" by the way
it blistered the paint
on the ceiling, I'd say so.
Granny,
found a dandy
bunch of bottles for ya.
Good. Where'd you get 'em?
At the drugstore. Where?
At the drug... At
the whatnot shop.
That's better.
Now you and Elly
take 'em into the pantry
and wash 'em out
good with my lye soap.
Come on, Jethro.
But, Granny,
these bottles is what
you call sterilized!
Don't you worry,
my lye soap will k*ll anything.
But, Granny... Wash
the bottles, boy.
But, Uncle Jed...
Wash the bottles.
But Granny don't even
know what sterilized means!
Well, suppose you tell me,
Mr. city educated smart-aleck.
Sterilized means
that they's ready to put
medicine in right now.
Oh, and who told you that?
Oh, the fella down at the...
The fella at the whatnot shop.
What do they know about medicine
at a whatnot shop?
Wash the bottles, boy.
(knocking on door)
May I come in?
Why, ya bet ya can.
Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.
You're just in time to have
some of Granny's spring tonic.
That's right.
Ah, yes, the magic elixir
that has brought her highness
all the way from Paree.
The what that brought
who from where?
The Countess Von
Holstein... You remember her.
Oh, yeah, that's
that pretty woman
with all the jewels
and the big car
that took such a
likin' to your tonic.
You mean took
such a likin' to you!
Made a big fuss over Jed!
I know, I know!
Oh, that just was
the tonic talkin'.
Besides, uh, she's
a married woman.
Not any more!
And she's coming to see you!
Me?
Here ya are, Mr. Drysdale.
I cut it some for you.
Thank you.
Well, here's to the
Countess von Clampe...
Holstein!
Ah.
Yep, Granny, I think ya
got a good, stout batch.
♪ ♪
Granny, I reckon you
better cut that tonic
a little more for city
folks. Uncle Jed...
I finally got Mr. Drysdale home
but he was higher than
a hawk! Uncle Jed...
He grabbed his
wife and kissed her,
likely scared that
poor woman to death!
Uncle Jed... What is it, Jethro?
When you marry
up with the countess,
are you gonna live in
a castle with a moat,
and a drawbridge and
a tower and a dungeon,
and knights in iron
suits fightin' with swords
and lances and rescuin' damsels
in distress... Hold it, hold it.
Who said I was gonna
marry up a countess?
Well... Jethro, get
back to your job!
You know that tonic
has to be bottled
before the full of the
moon or it'll turn on us.
Granny... did you
start that story?
Of course not!
My granny told me
that story 65 years ago
when she first learnt
me to make tonic.
I'm talkin' about
the countess. Who?
Well, the countess, Granny.
You told me and
Elly that... Jethro!
Get back to
corkin' them bottles!
And while you're at it,
find one to fit your mouth!
Don't you have
something to do, Jed?
I do for a fact, Granny.
I gotta put a stop
to this nonsense
about me marryin' the countess.
I don't want to hear
another word about it!
Uncle Jed?
What?
Can I be one of
your knights? Jethro!
I didn't say nothi" about
marryi" the countess!
If Jethro's gonna be a knight,
I'm gonna be a knight!
Girls can't be knights!
I can be anything you can be!
Ya can't neither! Can, too!
Can't! Can't! Can!
Can! Stop! Stop that!
Get back to work,
the both of ya!
Granny, I want to have
a little talk with you alone.
Well, I'm awful busy, Jed.
I gotta get that tonic bottled
or it's liable to eat
right through the kettle.
The young'uns will watch it.
Now, you come with me.
Uh, now-now, Jed, uh,
I ain't been feeli" well lately.
I think I'm comin'
down with somethin'.
I wouldn't want you to catch it.
I ain't the one
that's gonna catch it.
I was afeared of that.
Can!
Can't! Can!
Elly, you ain't been
as far in school as me.
I've read whole
books on the stuff
and girls can't be
knights! Why not?
Don't ask me, ask King Arthur!
The best you can be is
a maiden or a damsel.
What do they do?
They sit up in towers wailin'
and bellerin', and throwin'
down handkerchiefs and stuff,
hopin' some knight will
come along and rescue 'em.
Well, I ain't
sittin' in no tower
waitin' for you to rescue me.
I wouldn't rescue you, if you
was the last damsel on earth!
You dumb ol' girl!
Who are you calli"
a dumb ol' girl?
You, that's who!
Granny, like I been saying,
what would a grand
lady like the countess
(door knocker clanking) want
with a rough ol' cob like me!
What do you mean?
She come within that much tonic
of marryin' you last year!
And that's another thing.
No tonic except as
a goin' away present.
All right, Jed,
when you two leave
on your honeymoon,
I'll give you "his"
and "her" jugs.
(door knocker clanking)
And I don't want to hear
one word of marriage talk.
Mr. Clampett, Granny,
look who's here.
Well, howdy there,
Ms. Countess, ma'am.
Oh, now, that's no way
to greet an old friend.
(humming Wagner's
"Bridal Chorus")
I didn't say nothing.
Oh, Granny, how are you?
I'm fine, and yourself?
And how is the mister?
Who? Your husband.
Oh, I'm not married now.
Oh... Do tell.
You know, the
countess flew 6,000 miles
for some of your tonic.
Well, I just made a new batch.
Come on to the kitchen.
It's, uh, a mite too raw
for drinking now, Ms. Countess.
Uh, that tonic ain't
nothing to fool with
when it's green. Really?
Yes, ma'am.
Uh, I remember when Granny used
to make it in a hollow stump.
Uh, after she'd drawed it off,
many of the time I've
seen that old stump get up
and go off through the
woods looking for bear.
Oh, my goodness. (chuckling)
JETHRO: Elly May, let go!
Ow!
Oh, Elly May, uh,
you put him down.
No, no, don't fling him!
(screaming)
Now, young'uns, stop that.
Elly May, you get off of him.
Ow! Say it, say it!
You're a knight,
you're a knight.
Say the rest of it.
What are you?
I'm a damsel.
Get up from there, both of you.
I declare, Elly May,
you need a paddling.
Just needs a ma.
Say hello to the
countess, Elly May.
Howdy, ma'am.
Hi there, Miss Jane.
Elly May.
Well, hello, Elly May.
Well, you're as beautiful
and spirited as ever, I see.
All she needs is a ma
to straighten her out.
Howdy, your royal countess-ship.
Hey, you got a castle?
Why, yes, as a
matter of fact, I have.
Can I be one of your knights?
No, you can't! Can!
Can't! Can!
Now, stop that...
you ought to be
ashamed of yourself
in front of company.
All she needs is a ma.
Let's get some tonic.
Granny, that tonic ain't ready.
I have a suggestion,
Your Ladyship.
Jethro here is an
excellent driver.
We could take this opportunity
to get your car out of storage.
Oh, would you, Jethro?
You bet he would, ma'am.
Uh, go with the countess, boy.
I hope you'll come back
and take vittles with us.
You, too, Miss Jane.
Oh, I'd be delighted.
Another time for me.
I'll fix you something
special, Countess.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
Oh, yes, I do.
Now, you hurry back.
What you gonna fix, Granny?
My courtship special.
Turnip greens and tonic gravy.
(chuckling)
(man yelling like Tarzan)
Where did that come from?
It sounded like the kitchen.
(yelling continues) Uh-oh.
Mr. Drysdale snuck
back for another snort.
(yelling continues)
(humming Wagner's
"Bridal Chorus")
(chuckling)
Get Mr. Drysdale
home all right, Jed?
Yep, but it was hard
as braiding a
mule's tail in fly time.
I suspect he was a
mite over-tonicked.
I reckon he was.
He grabbed his wife and went
to hugging and kissing again.
I was halfway home,
and she come running
after me yelling and screaming.
Scared of him?
No, she just wanted to
give me this for a refill.
Good, stout batch
this year, Jed.
I put in a little extra
angelica root and heart leaf.
Yeah, you just want to be sure
the countess don't
get a hold of none.
Jed, that countess
didn't fly no 6,000 miles
for my gravy... I...
I mean my tonic.
That woman is
looking for a husband.
Now, you get upstairs
and mow that stubble
off your face and put
on some decent clothes.
Granny, the countess
may be looking
for a husband, but it ain't me.
What are you talking about?
Why, the minute she
caught sight of you,
she commenced grinning
like a fox eating yellow jackets.
Forget it.
Then, she flang
her arms around you
like she was drowning
and you was the
only log in sight.
Granny, a high stepping
filly like the countess
wouldn't hitch up to a
old plow mule like me.
How about Humphrey?
He was twice your age,
and she married him.
Only because she was
tonicked to the eyeballs.
Well, she wasn't...
I don't want to hear
no more about it.
I know how fond you are of
matchmaking, but this time,
you're toting water
with a leaky bucket.
All right, Jed.
You have heard my
last words on the subject.
Good. I give up.
I quit.
Thank you. But...
just let me say this.
A beautiful peach
like the countess
ain't gonna hang
on the tree forever.
And if she gets picked,
don't you come crying to me.
And that's all I'm going to say.
Thank you.
I tried to talk
cold turkey to you,
but I can see it's
gonna take hot gravy.
What does that mean?
Never mind.
Just remember what I told you.
Before or after your last word?
(groaning)
How did I do, Ms. Countess?
Was I all right?
Well, uh, your style of driving
isn't as conservative as
Humphrey's, but all in all,
I think you'll make
an excellent chauffeur.
Does that mean I
can drive you around
all the time you're in town?
Well, I see no reason why not,
if your Uncle Jed approves.
Yee-haw, let's go tell him!
Oh, restrain yourself.
We will not tell your Uncle Jed.
We shall ask him.
And-And perhaps I'd
better do the talking.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, boy, I hope he says yes.
I sure would love
driving that car around
and wearing a fancy uniform.
Oh, that reminds me, we'll have
to get you a
chauffeur's license.
Hot dog!
This is pert near as
good as being a knight.
Just one more thing, Jed,
and that will be my last word.
JETHRO: Uncle Jed?
Hey, Uncle Jed,
the countess has got
something to ask you.
Hey, come on in,
Countess, he's right here.
Maybe she's gonna
propose to you.
Oh, Mr. Clampett, I'm sure
that you and Granny
remember Humphrey.
Yes, ma'am, we sure do.
We heared you lost him.
Well, yes, I did,
and I didn't realize
until I came here
how very much I need
someone to take his place.
Keep talking, Marie.
COUNTESS: Well, I think
I've found that someone.
Here it comes.
Of course, the final decision
will be up to Mr. Clampett.
Get ready, Jed.
As far as I'm concerned,
Jethro is perfect.
Ms. Countess,
you're a fine woman,
and I'm proud you
asked me, but... Who?
Why, Jethro.
Me, Uncle Jed.
Hey, please say yes.
I just love that fancy
car of the countess's,
and I can go everywhere with her
and wear a fancy uniform.
Boy, there's more
to it than that.
Oh, I-I know we got
to get a license first.
That's just the beginning.
Suppose you and the countess
don't get along together.
Well, heck fire,
I'll just up and quit.
Boy, you are green enough
to stick in the ground and grow.
Marie, ain't this
kind of sudden?
Oh, well, I guess it is, Granny,
but I had to find
someone quickly.
I'm only going to
be here a short time.
Uncle Jed says it's
all right to go ahead
and get the uniform
and the license,
but then we got to
come right back here
and talk it over some
more... Come on, Countess.
Now, just one thing
before you go, ma'am.
Uh, was this your
idea or Jethro's?
Well, he was the
first to mention it,
but I must confess
I'd been thinking
the very same thing.
Well, we'll hurry back.
I still haven't had
any of that tonic.
Good thing... they'd have done
been hitched and honeymooned.
Well, Jed, don't
say I didn't warn you.
The peach has done been picked.
It ain't the peach
I'm worried about.
It's the picker.
What are you gonna do now?
I'm gonna do me a
little peach poaching.
Well, now, that's more like it.
One look at you, Jed,
and she'll leave Jethro
by the side of the road.
I just hope I can bring it off
without hurting the boy.
He's counting big
on that castle and all.
You can do it, Jed.
There's more than
one way to skin a cat.
Yeah, but there
ain't no way to do it
that the cat's gonna like it.
Jethro, I know I
promised that you
could pick out your own uniform,
but this is a
little ostentatious.
You'll like it even better
when you see the hat.
How is this?
I must admit, it's even
more ostentatious.
Thank you.
Let's go show Uncle Jed.
You sure you don't
need a little help, Jed?
Oh, I reckon not, Granny.
Hey, look what the
countess got for me to wear.
How about this, Uncle Jed?
Well, that's real grand, boy.
It is better than that.
It is ostentatious.
Wait till Elly sees it.
She'll turn green.
Oh, Granny, I see
you have some tonic.
Is it ready now?
Is it, Jed?
It is.
Uh, give her a double.
And then, uh, could you and me
have a little talk, uh,
alone in the parlor?
I'd be delighted.
Thank you.
Oh, that's Marie's car.
I found my bride at last.
S-Steady, Humphrey, steady.
Your... your long
search is over.
I never lost hope.
I knew she'd come back here
where we fell in love...
last year in tonic time.
Miss Jane, who's this?
You remember Humphrey.
Humphrey!
We thought he was dead.
Are you sure he ain't?
Just weary.
He's been searching
for his bride
ever since they became separated
at the wedding reception.
I-I accidentally locked
myself in the wine cellar.
Here, old soldier.
This will brace you up.
Where's Marie?
She's in the parlor
getting proposed to.
(strong, deep
voice): She's where?!
Marie, it's your
husband, Humphrey!
Good heavens.
I forgot to cut it.
HUMPHREY (deep voice):
I've come to take you home.
COUNTESS: Oh, Humphrey!
Was that really old Humphrey?
No Jed, that was
the new Humphrey.
I give him a double
dose of uncut tonic.
Good-bye, good-bye.
(deep voice): We'll
be back in tonic time.
(engine starting)
Hey, wait!
Come back, that's my job!
I don't think he can catch them.
I hope he don't, but if he does,
he better be awful
polite to Humphrey.
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪