♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
There ain't nobody
that's good at fixin'
and sharpenin' as you are, Jed.
We'll, I been at
it for quite a spell.
You got a gift fer it.
Why, back home, didn't
folks come from miles around
just to have you fixin'
and sharpenin' things?
I ain't just sure it was my
sharpeni" that brung 'em, Granny.
What you mean?
Well, you used
to let 'em heft a jug
whilst they was waitin'.
And I don't know
which they liked better,
the edge they got from me
of the one they got from you.
Oh, it wasn't my jug,
Jed, that brung 'em.
It was your work.
There's something I
miss out here, Granny,
and it's doin' for other folks.
It just don't seem neighborly
for us to keep to ourselves
the way we do.
Well, it ain't us
that's standoffish.
It's our neighbors.
They were from the very start.
Why, when we moved in
here, not nary a one of 'em lifted
a finger to help us.
But they didn't know we
was moving in, Granny.
Since then, every single one
has offered to help us move out.
Well, I got taters to peel
and fatback to slice.
If you can do for
these Beverly Hill folks,
you got me b*at.
Well, it won't do no
harm to try, Granny.
It might even do some good.
I'm gettin' lazy
as old Duke there.
He's so lazy,
he's got to lean up
against something to bark.
Yeah, I noticed you laid
to bed late this morning.
Yeah, must have
been better than 5:30.
Well, a man has
got to keep busy,
and the best way I
know is doin' for others.
What you got in mind?
Well, I thought I'd
take my grindin' wheel
and some tools, go
around the neighborhood
and see if anybody had any
knives they wanted sharpened
of any fixin' done.
You won't get
past the front gate.
Our neighbors are high
society folks and movie stars.
Well, they got to
slice their fatback
same as everybody else.
All right, go and
find out for yourself.
Duke, come on, Duke.
We got to commence
making ourselves useful.
I got a notion folks
are gonna be real glad
to see us coming.
(loud clanging)
Come on, Duke, get a move on.
You go ahead and see if
you can sniff out any gophers
or ground squirrels.
(sniffing)
(loud clanging)
Stop that racket out there!
Don't you know this...?
Mr. Clampett!
Mornin', Mr. Drysdale.
I'm sorry I rung
the bell a mite loud.
Oh, no, no, it's beautiful.
What is this?
Well, this here is
my handyman wagon.
I'm goin' round the neighborhood
fixin' and sharpenin' for folks.
You're not.
Yep, thought I'd
come here first.
Thank goodness.
Oh, you got a lot
that needs doin', huh?
No. Oh, I mean, yes.
I'll hire you for the entire day
and you can hide...
work in the garage.
Well, I don't...
I'll pay you anything you say.
Well, Mr. Drysdale, I don't
aim to charge no money.
Well, then why are you doing it?
Oh, make myself
useful for folks.
Keep busy.
Mr. Clampett, you can't
go around Beverly Hills
with this contraption,
sharpening knives.
Why not?
Well, because people
around here are very fussy
about this sort of thing.
Especially my wife.
Well, if you're worried
abut the kind of work I do,
you just have your wife step
out here with a butcher Kn*fe.
Are you kidding?!
Mr. Clampett,
I'm very anxious to
talk to you about this,
but I'm late for an appointment.
Suppose I see you at
your house within an hour?
All right, that'll give
Duke and me time
to call on four
or five neighbors.
No, please!
Oh, I just remembered
I have a broken chair.
You can take it home with you
and work on it
while you're waiting.
Well, if it ain't broke too
bad, I can fix it right here.
Just a moment.
(crashing sounds)
Clumsy me. I dropped
it and stepped on it.
I'm afraid that's
a take-home job.
Good. I'll see you there.
Come on, Duke.
Well, let's see that, Duke.
What kind of varmints
did you catch?
Well, them's fur slippers.
Oh, my wife's been
looking for those.
They're her new
mules. Thanks, Duke.
See ya later, Mr. Clampett.
Well, Duke, that tears it.
I know these Beverly Hills
folk had sweaters for their cats,
raincoats for their dogs,
but slippers for a mule?
Come in, Milburn, come in.
Sorry to be late, John,
but Just as I was leaving
home, Jed Clampett dropped by.
Oh, he's unhappy
with your bank again?
No, he isn't, so stop drooling.
As a matter of
fact, he dropped by
to see if he could
do anything for me.
That's what good friends
and neighbors we are.
Yeah, well, you better
keep him that way
because if I get another
cr*ck at that account...
Why don't you fly the
skull and crossbones
over this bank, you pirate!
Now, calm down, Milburn.
You leave the Clampetts alone!
Now you call somebody
in here to act as witness.
We've got these
loan papers to sign.
Send that new girl in, will you?
Oh, sit down, Milburn, relax.
Here, let me take your hat.
Nothing doing. It might fit you.
You are a nervous man, Milburn.
You better take up
a hobby. (chuckles)
Here, let me show
you what mine is.
That's fine for you, but
I happen to be married.
Oh, not the girl.
I'm talking about the
ship in the bottle there.
That took me three
years to build it.
Wonderful therapy.
Never mind that. Let's
get these papers signed.
Miss Graham.
Miss Graham, this
unpleasant gentleman here
is Mr. Drysdale of
the Commerce Bank.
Hi. Hello.
I'm sorry I was a bit gruff,
but I'm a very busy man.
I have a lot of problems
on my mind. Oh.
Now, we have some
loan papers here
that need your
sweater... signature.
It's a wonderful hobby, Milburn.
Of course, if you start with
one of these, you're hooked.
This thing kept me
busy for three years.
Really?
Could I borrow this?
Well, sure.
This might be just
the thing I need
to calm my nerves.
Well, I'll be doggone!
A boat in a bottle!
Yes. You see, Mr. Clampett,
I've been giving
a lot of thought
to your problem of keeping busy.
Now, a friend of mine
had the same problem.
He solved it by
building this boat.
How'd he get it in there?
He built it in there.
It took him three years.
He could have built it a lot
quicker outside the bottle.
Yes, but he wanted
to build it in there.
Why?
It's his hobby.
How's he gonna get it out?
He doesn't want to get it out.
How's he gonna sail it?
He won't. It's just to look at.
Be easier to look at outside
the bottle, wouldn't it?
Yes, but...
Seems to me he wasted
a boat and a bottle.
But think of all the
absorbing hours he spent.
Yeah, he wasted them, too.
Well, he didn't
consider it wasted.
He wanted to do it.
Why?
It's his hobby.
Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.
Jed's got your chair
fixed as good as new.
Yeah, it's out back ready to go.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
A boat in a bottle.
One of Mr. Drysdale's
friends built that.
How'd he get it in there?
He built it in there.
Took him three years to do it.
It's gonna take him
another three to get it out.
He don't want to get it out.
Why not? He
can't sail it in there.
He don't want to sail it.
Why did he build it?
It's his hobby.
What's a hobby?
I don't believe you
explained that, Mr. Drysdale.
Well, it's something...
it's a way of, like, uh...
I think I'll get my
chair and take it home.
Don't forget your boat.
Oh, uh, I'll come back for that.
Now you study it. You
may want to build one.
Oh, Mr. Drysdale,
Jed tells me that your
wife got some new mules.
I'd like to see 'em.
Where does she keep 'em?
In the bedroom, I suppose.
Jed, do you ever get the feeling
that we're living in the
middle of a bunch of nuts?
I do for a fact.
JANE: What in the world is this?
That's the monstrosity
he wants to push
around Beverly Hills.
♪ He wheels a wheelbarrow ♪
♪ Through streets
broad and narrow. ♪
Knock it off. This is not funny.
Sorry, Chief.
Now, we've got to
get Jed Clampett out
of this crazy notion of
wanting to do things for people.
Is it so crazy?
It's not only crazy,
it's un-American.
He wants to do it free.
Now bring the rest
of that hobby stuff.
What about the travel folder?
That South Seas cruise
might appeal to him.
Only as a last resort.
I'd hate to take a chance
on his money winding up
in a Tahiti savings and loan.
Oh, howdy, Mr. Drysdale.
Jethro.
I have got some
good news for you!
I can use some.
Hey, you know that boat
that was in the bottle?
What do you mean, "was"?
Well, I got it out for you.
You didn't?
Well, yes, sir. It was easy.
All I did was knock the
bottom out of the bottle.
How come nobody
else thought of that?
Jethro, it took
Mr. Cushing three years
to build that ship through
the neck of that bottle.
Well, he can do the
next one a heap quicker.
It's got an opening
this big now.
Greetings, Jethro.
Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.
You want to come out
to the cement pond and
help me dive for something?
I'm afraid I can't just now.
What are you diving for?
Oh, a little boat about so big.
You know something,
Mr. Drysdale?
That rascal don't
float worth shucks.
But don't you worry.
I'll get it back.
If it ain't gone down the drain.
Chief, do you feel all right?
I never felt worse in my life.
Howdy, folks.
Oh, Mr. Clampett.
I'm just fixi" to start out
with my handyman wagon again.
Oh, wait, we want to talk to you
about taking up a hobby.
Well, Mr. Drysdale, if it's
building boats in bottles,
it don't just grab ahold to me.
Jethro seemed right
took with it, though.
You can talk to him.
I did.
Mr. Clampett, there are
many fascinating hobbies.
A man of your means
can afford any one of them.
Now step over her and
let us show you these
priceless collections of
philately and numismatology.
Oh, stop waving
your college degree.
Mr. Clampett, how would
you like collecting stamps?
Well, to tell you the truth,
we don't write just a
whole heap of letters.
Take over.
Well, of course, these are
not just ordinary stamps.
Uh, these are very rare,
very valuable collectors' items.
Now, for example,
here is one from Hawaii.
The price on it is
almost $50,000.
Wouldn't you like to own that?
No, ma'am.
Why not?
Well, I don't know nobody
in Hawaii, and if I did,
I wouldn't write to
them at that price.
Mr. Clampett, these stamps
are not to put on letters.
What are they fer?
Well, they're just to look at.
Like that boat in the bottle?
Uh, well, let's take a
cr*ck at numismatology...
or, as some lexicographers
would prefer, numismatics.
Uh, give me that.
Now, Mr. Clampett,
here's a hobby
that's worth anybody's time...
collecting money.
Mr. Drysdale, if
there's one thing
I don't need, it's more money.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'd like to get started,
uh, being useful to folks.
Now, wait, wait, wait!
Just-Just take a
look at these coins.
This collection belongs
to a friend of mine.
You see that dime?
Yeah.
He paid $12,000 for that.
He got slickered.
A dime is only worth ten cents.
Ah-ah, not this one.
This was minted in
San Francisco in 1894.
JED: You mean
if he put that dime
in one of them, uh,
candy machines,
he'd get out $12,000
worth of candy?
No, he'd only get
ten cents worth.
You better help your
friend, Mr. Drysdale.
He needs you.
And hope he ain't
toting that dime
when he gets a sweet tooth,
'cause no matter what
comes out of the machine,
he ain't going to enjoy it.
What about the coins and stamps?
Later, later.
Oh, Mr. Clampett,
I-I just remembered,
I've got a lot more things
at home that need mending.
Will you go there first?
You bet I will.
Get in.
We've got to b*at
him to my house
and start breaking things.
JETHRO: Uncle Jed?
I got the boat without
even diving for it.
This looks like the one
that was inside that bottle.
Yes, sir, I got it out.
You reckon Mr. Cushing
will give me a reward?
This belong to
Mr. Cushing? Yes, sir.
Fetch the truck, boy.
We got to go see him.
You reckon Mr. Cushing
will give me a reward?
I'm the only one
that figured out
how to get it out of the bottle.
How'd you do it? I just
whacked the bottom off it.
Fetch the truck, boy, and hope
he don't do the same to you.
Jethro did it, huh?
Yes, sir, but the boy is here,
ready to take his medicine.
Uh, uh, no.
No, I'm delighted.
I've been trying to figure
out for years how to...
Just knocked the
bottom off of it, huh?
Uh, yes, sir.
I see you got another
one over yonder.
I can show you how I done it.
Oh, no, no.
Uh, you let me do that one.
Well, I'm pleased that you
ain't upset, Mr. Cushing.
Uh, now, if you got
any, uh, sharpening
or fixing to do, just, uh,
let me know where you live
and I'll come around
with my handyman wagon.
Yes, well, I live
on the corner...
You'll come around with what?
My handyman wagon.
I got a few tools on it,
my grinding wheel, whetstone.
Ain't nobody can lay an edge
to a blade like my Uncle Jed.
Anything from a
plow to a pocket Kn*fe.
A multimillionaire going
around sharpening knives?
Well, that ain't all I do.
I'm, uh, handy at, uh, fixing
and building, painting,
water witching, well
digging, bee smoking.
But, Mr. Clampett, a
man with your money?
Well, you should
be on a golf course
or yachting or-or traveling
or enjoying a hobby.
Now you're talking
like Mr. Drysdale.
You fellas got your
banking work to do.
I ain't got no job to make
me feel useful or busy.
Yes, uh, well, would
you like a job in my bank?
Being a handyman?
No, no.
Uh, something important.
Uh, say, uh, vice president.
Well, thank you, but I'm
afraid I don't know too much
except, uh, fixing and farming.
Well, that's what you're
gonna be vice president of
is, uh, fixing and farming.
At a bank?
I thought you fellas just
mostly loaned out money.
Uh, yes, well,
that's right, yes.
You can loan money
for fixing and farming.
You need somebody like that?
Mr. Clampett,
would you believe it,
I don't have one
single man looking out
for the farmers
in Beverly Hills.
Well, doggies.
I'll do it.
Well, wonderful.
Wonderful.
Uh, Jethro, come over
here and congratulate
your Uncle Jed.
He's my new vice president.
(chuckling)
Excuse my left hand, Uncle Jed.
(chuckling)
(groans)
Oh, oh, uh, well,
uh... (laughing)
Granny!
That's it, Bessie, sip your tea.
Now use your napkin.
Hey, Elly May, where's Granny?
She's out back yonder
hanging up the wash.
Sit down with Cousin
Bessie and have...
Bessie, you already
got better manners
than some folks around here.
GRANNY: Put me
down, you big lummox!
Put me down.
Wait till you hear the
news I got, Granny.
Get me off this table.
I ain't vittles.
(screaming)
Help me up, you big numbskull!
Pay no attention, Bessie.
Go right ahead with your tea.
Get that monkey
out of my kitchen.
Granny, listen.
Uncle Jed has done been made
vice president of
Mr. Cushing's bank.
No. Pa?
Yeah, Mr. Cushing
needs him so bad
he won't even let
him out of his sight
to come home and change clothes.
Well, let's go see him.
Gee, I want to be his secretary.
Too late, Elly...
Mr. Cushing's done given him
a real pretty office and
a real pretty secretary.
Is there anything I can
do for you, Mr. Clampett?
Oh, no, thank you.
Uh, uh, anything
I can do for you?
Oh, no, you sit down.
You're a vice president.
My job is to be helpful
and see that you're happy.
Oh, uh, Mr. Cushing.
Well, how is everything in
my new farm loan department?
Well, I ain't loaned no
money to no farmers yet.
Oh, well, that will take time.
They don't know you're here.
Maybe I better get out and
go around and see them.
No, no, no, no, you stay
here and get acquainted
with our fine organization
and personnel.
How is Miss Graham?
Everything you expected?
Oh, more, more.
Well, good, good.
Her instructions are
to make you stay here
at the Merchants Bank.
Uh, that is to, uh, make your
stay here at the Merchants Bank
as, uh, pleasant and
as rewarding as possible.
Well, I'm right obliged
to you, Mr. Cushing,
for giving me this job.
I just hope I can
do you some good.
Oh, you can, you can.
Now, uh, here is
some bank literature
that you might look through.
How did that
deposit slip get there?
Well, of course, I
might as well leave it.
It might come in handy.
Yeah, so, um...
I'll, uh, look in on
you from time to time.
And, uh, welcome aboard.
(knock at door)
Elly May, where is your father?
Oh, howdy, Mr. Drysdale.
Sit down and have a cup of tea.
Well, I can only
stay for a moment.
Uh, where is your father?
I've got a whole house
full of broken furniture
and dull knives waiting for him.
Oh, Pa don't do that kind
of work no more, Mr. Drysdale.
He's the vice president
of Mr. Cushing's bank.
What?!
Yes, sir.
This sure has
been our lucky day.
Jethro got the boat out
of the bottle, Pa got a job,
and Granny found a whole bunch
of pocket change
in the front hall.
Oh, no!
Granny!
Granny!
Why, you dirty crook.
You thief.
You Clampett kidnapper.
Come out behind that desk
so I can punch you in the nose!
Now, calm down, Milburn.
Come on, you coward, I dare you!
Chief, he is bigger
than you are.
I'm not afraid of him!
Come on out here
so I can slug you.
Now, wait a moment.
I don't like to be threatened.
Quick, Miss Hathaway,
pin his arms so I can slug him.
Chief, I refuse!
Huh?
It's a good thing for you
I've got a chicken secretary.
Oh, calm down.
What do you want?
I want to know where
you're hiding Jed Clampett.
Kidnapping is a federal offense.
Call the FBI.
Oh, will you act your age?
Now, Jed Clampett came
in here of his own free will
and asked me if I
had some work for him.
I took a chance
and gave him a job.
Doing what?
He's my new vice president
in charge of farm loans.
Why, you swindler.
There are no farms
in Beverly Hills.
Well, not today, perhaps,
but I expect some vacant land
to become available
where your bank now stands.
Hold his arms,
he's gonna get it.
Oh, come on, Chief.
Let's find Mr. Clampett
and talk to him.
It's only my respect
for white hair
that saves you, Cushing.
Yeah, well, you forget
I've got white hair.
Not yours, mine!
(growls)
Just a moment, madam.
Unless you have an appointment,
you can't see Mr. Clampett.
I can, too.
He's sitting right there.
It's all right, ma'am.
Uh, this here is Granny.
Granny, this here is my
secretary, Miss Graham.
Howdy, Miss Graham.
Have a candy bar.
Found a bunch of dimes,
and I've been giving
that candy machine fits.
Well, how are you
fixed for stamps?
Found some of them, too.
Mr. Clampett,
what is this I hear
about you working for Cushing?
Yes, sir, he put me in
charge of farm loans.
But I've been planning
on having you take over
the farm loan
department of my bank.
Well, I wish you'd
have said something.
Mr. Cushing done give me
this nice office and secretary.
Well, come with me
and I'll do better than that.
I'll give you my office
and my secretary.
Right, Miss Hathaway?
Right, Chief.
I'll do better than that.
I'll give you my office
and his secretary.
Oh, no, you won't.
Miss Graham stays here,
and so does
Mr. Clampett, I hope.
Nothing doing,
he's coming with me.
He stays here.
Grab him, Miss Hathaway.
Throw him out, Miss Graham.
Now, hold on, hold on.
Uh, I wouldn't want
to be the cause
of two old friends scrapping.
Then, don't work
for that pirate.
You call me that once more,
and I am going to lose my...
Mr. Cushing,
Mr. Drysdale, uh, I reckon
there's only one
way to settle this.
Uh, I ain't gonna work
for neither one of you.
What are you going to do, Jed?
Something I know how to do.
Come on, Granny.
Wait, Mr. Clampett.
You're not gonna
push that grinding wheel
around the neighborhood.
Nope.
(horn honking, cowbell
clanging, Elly May whistling)
JED: Morning, Mr. Drysdale.
What is this?
What's going on?
We's ready to take on
any kind of work now.
I do the toting and lifting.
Rusty does mousing,
and I do critter training.
And I'm back to
fixing and sharpening.
And I do dressmaking
and mending.
What do you need, Mr. Drysdale?
A doctor.
I do that, too.
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪