02x06 - The Spy Humongous

[bunniefuu]

FREEMAN:
Captain's log, stardate . .

The Pakleds continue
their unprovoked att*cks

on Federation trade routes.

Seeking a cease-fire,

the Cerritos is on a diplomatic mission
to the Pakled homeworld,

which they call Pakled Planet.

Starfleet Command entrusted me
with this mission

because of our experience
with the Pakleds last year.

Negotiating a cease-fire
would be a huge achievement.

If you keep doing Picard-level
peace-brokering like this,

they might give you an Enterprise.

[CHUCKLES]:
Well, I don't know about that.

Remember, it's just the Pakleds.

This shouldn't be too complicated.

Ambassador Grubdin.

Welcome, Captain Janeway.

Pakled Planet is big and strong.

Right. Well, I'm actually
Captain Freeman of the Cerritos.

I'm here to discuss a cease-fire.

Oh, I was misinformed.

I do not have a big enough helmet

to make cease-fires.

Okay. Well, then I need to talk
to someone with a bigger helmet.

[PAKLED SHOUTING]

Stay back.

[EXHALES]

Guys, the prisoner Rumdar.

He ran away from Pakled Planet
to her ship.

You! Why did you steal Rumdar?

[CHUCKLES] I can assure you,
we did no such thing.

Ransom, is there a Pakled on my ship?

- That's an affirmative, Captain.
- [THUDDING]

This ship is strong.
I can live here now.

- We think he's requesting asylum.
- GRUBDIN: No!

Until she gives Rumdar back,

Janeway stays here!

[PAKLEDS CHEER, SNARL]

♪

♪

♪

Guys, it's pretty cool that the captain

- gets to negotiate peace, right?
- Uh, yeah.

- I'm sure she's thinking the same thing.
- [PADDS CHIME]

[SIGHS] Nothing ruins breakfast
like a work assignment.

Oh, no, anomaly consolidation duty.

- Oh, yes!
- RUTHERFORD: Ugh.

- I got it, too.
- So did I.

- What's anomaly consolidation?
- You get to go around the ship

and collect the bridge crew's
research materials

- from their missions.
- It's trash day.

It's our bosses, who have
accumulated all sorts of stuff,

saying, "Hey, peons,
come pick up our trash."

Dangerous science trash
that can't just get recycled

in a matter recombinator.

We have to pack it up
and send it to a facility.

Could be a nice break
from our usual duties.

Maybe it'll be fun.

Oh, sweet, sweet Tendi, no.

ACD is the most degrading day
of the year.

Don't listen to her.
This is gonna be great.

[SCREAMS, GRUNTS]

[TENDI LAUGHING]

Sorry.

I-It's just the face that you made.

I couldn't help it.

Okay, all right.
We're all having so much fun.

- At my expense.
- [MARINER CHUCKLES]

Hey. Boimler, right?

Heard a lot of buzz
about your time on the Titan.

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, uh, Ensign Casey. Hi.

- You guys heard about that?
- You're a legend. Listen,

we've got this little club where
we help each other rank up,

and right now we're down a member.

P'jok got promoted to the Ventura.

- What? No way.
- That's what the Redshirts do.

We help each other land promotions.

One day we'll all be captains.

You call yourselves Redshirts?

Cool name, right?
Makes us sound invincible.

But why would you want me to be one?

I mean, I got the red shirt,

but is there, like,
a form I need to fill out?

You served with Riker.

That kind of experience
is super valuable.

Listen, there's gonna be
an acting captain's duty

up for grabs later today.
Only us Redshirts know about it.

[GASPS] Acting captain?
Like, l-like on the bridge?

You tell us Riker stuff today,

I'll get you in the running
for the big chair.

But... [SIGHS] I have ACD.

[CHUCKLES]: Anomaly duty? No sweat.

We'll pull some
strings, get you out of it.

Uh...

- I don't know.
- CASEY: It's awesome that you served

on the Titan,
but there has to be a reason

you're back on the Cerritos.

You don't carry yourself like a leader.

We could help you with that.

- But if you're not interested...
- [EXHALES]

Uh... wait.

- I'm in. Let's do this.
- [LAUGHS]

Excelsior.

Unbelievable. Boimler's cozying up

with those brownnosers
to get out of trash day?

- Such a great call.
- More trash for the rest of us.

I smell adventure.

[MARINER SIGHS]

So, what has you seeking asylum?

Religious persecution?
Leading a rebellion?

Some sort of sex stuff?

I want to see how the shields work.

You want to see our
top secret defensive schematics?

Yeah, and your crimson force field, too.

Uh, I will see if it's operational.

You getting "Bazminti when
he pulled back the veil" vibes

- from this guy?
- Oh, yeah. Captain Freeman?

Our Pakled refugee appears
to be more of a Pakled spy.

FREEMAN: What?! He hasn't
gotten anything, has he?

- No, I think we'll be okay.
- [CHUCKLES]

He just took a photo of his own foot.

- Hmm, this could work to our advantage.
- Oh. Ah!

Maybe he'll reveal something
about the att*cks.

Keep him talking.

- On it.
- RUMDAR: Oh!

Ransom's always going
on fun away missions.

You just know he'll have crazy
anomalies we can check out.

Oh, great. A pile of unlabeled crystals.

You're supposed to keep
stuff like this in a lab.

[SIGHS] Ignoring protocol.

Yeah, one of the perks
of being a commander.

[GROANS, SCREAMS]

Oh, man!

Ooh, this is neat.

You can tell from the occipital bone

that this was one big froggy.

Tendi, whoa, easy.
I think that's from the planet

where everything evolved all weird.

- [SQUEALS]
- [SCREAMS]

Uh...

Oh!

- [MARINER GASPS]
- [TENDI SCREAMS]

- Aah!
- MARINER: Whoa!

Whoa, Rutherford, you're blowing up.

- It's altering his biomatrix!
- [DISTORTED]: Whoa, whoa!

- I got a big ole body.
- [GRUNTS]

- Stop moving around.
- Oh!

- [MARINER GRUNTING]
- I can't stop.

I'm big beyond belief. Oh, no!

Tendi, grab the red vial. [GRUNTS]

Got it.

Smear that crap on his nose.

[GRUNTING]

[SIGHS]

- [NORMAL VOICE]: Ugh.
- You just experienced

- full molecular engorgement in a matter of seconds!
- [PANTING]

Did it feel amazing?

Hey, Boimler, how often
did Riker clean his trombone?

- [GASPS]
- Oh!

Oh, constantly.

It was actually kind of disruptive.

[EXHALES] I need to learn
to blow something brass.

Okay.

So, that was our top
secret Starfleet gift shop.

Next, how about we show you the,
uh, high-security juice bar?

No! Now I want to see the warp core.

Sure, sure.
We'll get you there, big guy.

We're not exactly dealing
with the Tal Shiar here.

Let's see if we can get him
to tell us about their systems.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Wait.

Where'd he go?
Computer, locate Pakled refugee.

- COMPUTER: No Pakled detected.
- What?

Did he leave the ship?
Did he somehow cloak himself?

- Unknown.
- Zinda, his eyes red.

I'll check engineering.

Okay, let's see what
the next awesome anomalies are.

[SNIFFS]

- [SNIFFS]
- [GRUNTS]

Um...

[GRUNTING]

[TENDI CHUCKLES]

Oh.

[MARINER GROANS]

You want a rotten mushfroot?

Uh, no, thank you.

I just want to talk cease-fire
with whomever's in charge.

Oh! Janeway turned down mushfroot.

[FANFARE PLAYING]

Her Mushesty the queen!

Ah, Your Highness, allow me to...

You can't k*ll Rumdar.
Rumdar is our prisoner.

We will k*ll Rumdar.

I can assure you,
Rumdar's in good hands.

Nobody is k*lling Rumdar.

Prove it. I want to talk to Rumdar.

Ransom, put the Pakled refugee
on the line.

RANSOM: Uh, actually, we've
temporarily lost track of him.

What?!

[CHUCKLES] Rumdar is, uh,
in the bathroom.

But he said that you
should negotiate a cease-fire.

Oh, I don't have
a big enough helmet to do that.

Are you [BLEEP] me?

CASEY: Boimler,

you need to look like a leader

if you want people
to treat you like one.

First, you've got to fix this posture.

You're like this

when you need to be like this.

- [BACK CRACKS]
- [GROANS] Oh, wow.

I didn't realize my spine went that far.

- That's new.
- Now, this outfit? Oof.

This is not a good look.

We all wear this. It's a uniform.

The captain literally wears
the same thing, and she's...

Right now this uniform is wearing you.

Easy to fix with a few modifications.

- Ooh, did Riker modify his uniform?
- What? No.

I mean, I guess they had to put
a lot of extra room

in his pants. For his legs, I mean.

'Cause he's tall.
You know what they say:

- tall guy, big legs.
- Oh, my God, your hair.

Wow, I didn't even take in the hair.

I like my hair.
I'm a cutie. This is good hair.

But would you follow it into battle?

[SIGHS]

Maybe just a trim?

Introducing the new and improved

Bradward Boimler.

Oh, I feel amazing.

Oh, look at these shoulders! Damn.

Starfleet royalty.

- [MARINER GROANS]
- Oh! Aw.

Aah!

Boimler? [GASPS] You look amazing.

[CHUCKLES]: Thank you. The
Redshirts gave me a makeover.

I-I might have a sh*t at acting captain.

[GASPS] Whoa,
is that a Retroovian flask?

Uh, you know it.

Careful. Those can release
a gelatinous spray

- that traps you in this...
- MARINER: Yeah.

- We know.
- [CASEY CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, uh, got to go. But I want to hear

everything later.
Watch out for that spray.

- It'll mess you up.
- Damn it, the Nanobots.

Billups can calculate warp variance,

but he can't remember to tighten
the lid on a jar.

Aw, but come on. How often
do we get to be face-to-face

with these tiny terrors?

Bright side: they're not
full-sized robots, right? Right?

[GROANS] Tendi, this stuff
is eating my fingerprints.

There's no bright side!
Stop trying to make this fun.

- But...
- What is your deal, okay?

Every day isn't gonna be some
pristine, exploratory adventure.

Sometimes it's work, and it sucks.

Get used to it!

Okay. Sorry.

Where could he be?

He's giant and brown.

Being captain is the role of a lifetime.

Leader. Fighter.

Lover.

The captain needs to always be prepared

to give a rousing speech, so go ahead.

[ROLLS "R"]: Rouse them.

Uh, what am I supposed to speech about?

Ooh! A temporal rift.

Oh, oh! With a plasma grid.

And the replicators are broken.

Sounds like a crew
that could use some inspiration.

Right now?

Okay. Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

Um, attention, crew

Um, I'm your captain.
I'm Captain Boimler.

Uh, we've got a plasma grid
and a temporal rift.

Sorry, you said "temporal rift," right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, uh, lots of danger.
But as sure as, uh,

this is my captain's chair, um,

you can count on me

'cause I'm your captain.

Yes, sirree.

We should mutiny.

Sorry, sorry, no, no, no.
I know that wasn't good.

It's just this isn't the same
as actually being on the bridge.

The bridge is wherever you are.

Close your eyes, think about Riker,

and say what he would say.
From the heart.

- His heart.
- [EXHALES]

Look, I may not know
exactly what we're up against,

but I do know that in this,
our darkest hour,

I'm grateful.

Grateful to have a ship
and a crew I trust with my life.

Now, I'll be honest.
There's no guarantee

we're gonna get out of this.
But if we do, it'll be

because of your combined talent
and dedication.

It's been the honor of my life
to serve as your captain.

But we're not dead yet,

so how about we go in and kick some ass.

Red alert! Take us in.

[APPLAUSE]

CASEY: Now, that sounds like a captain.

Wow, even Dr. Migleemo has stuff?

I didn't know he even went on missions.

That's a pile of random junk.

- Come on. Even you have to admit that.
- No.

And honestly, I'm getting tired
of you guys whining all day.

If you're so over anomaly collection,

then I'll just do it myself.

- Okay. Works for me.
- Oh, great idea.

[MARINER AND RUTHERFORD SIGH]

[GROANS]

Okay, let's see. There's
this dusty goggles thing.

Ooh, half of some sort of sword.

- You guys are really missing out!
- MARINER: Mm-hmm.

[SIGHS] Look, he's throwing out

a perfectly good storybook.

[SQUEALING]

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, it's one of those energy field books

that makes stories come to life.

[GRUNTS] Come here!

Get back in this book! [GRUNTING]

- [SCREAMS]
- Oh!

[SIGHS] Huh?

- Oh, no.
- [SHRIEKS]

- Uh...
- Crap, crap, crap!

Slug!

- [SHRIEKS]
- No!

Tendi!

Ugh! Okay, we just got
to find the right hypospray.

- [MUFFLED SCREAMING]
- Uh, hang tight, Tendi!

Don't get digested!

- Uh, uh... Ha!
- [SHRIEKING]

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

- Ugh. [GRUNTS]
- [SHRIEKS]

- Oh, my gosh. Are you okay?
- D'Vana?

[WHIMPERS, COUGHS]

You were right.

Anomaly consolidation day is the worst.

Hey, we've all... I mean, who among us

hasn't been pooped out
by an alien creature?

- It is not a...
- Don't touch me!

Captain, this is going sideways.

I recommend we beam out now.

No. We have to make this work,

or it'll turn into a big, brown,
Pakled smear on my record.

[FANFARE PLAYING]

I am King Pakled.

- Finally. It is an honor to meet you, sir.
- [DOOR OPENS]

I am emperor of the Pakleds.

- Okay. Well, then, it's an honor to m...
- [PAKLEDS SHOUTING]

Rebelution!

- [GASPS]
- [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]

- [LAUGHS] Die!
- [SCREAMS]

The big-helmeted Pakleds

will no longer control us!

Ooh.

I am now Pakled leader.

Behold my giant helmet!

- He is strong.
- [FREEMAN GROANS]

You know, I was
a little skeptical at first,

but I really am feeling
way more captainy than usual.

Now you have to start
living like one, too.

Oh, you mean,

like sitting in a centered chair
all day or...?

Nothing tells you about
a captain more than the officers

they've chosen to have at their side.

That's true in your social life

- as much as it is on the bridge.
- Oh. [SCOFFS]

I've got that covered.
My friends are awesome.

Look, that's them right there.

- [RUTHERFORD GRUNTS]
- [TENDI COUGHS]

They've been consolidating
anomalies all day.

- It's pretty cool, right?
- No, not cool.

Those three are always elbow-deep

in some kind of slime.

Yeah, we work in Starfleet.
I mean, slime's a given.

No, we work in Starfleet.

- They work for Starfleet.
- [MARINER GRUNTS]

Okay, hold on. They're
the same rank as you or me.

And while we've been
"playing captain" all day,

they've been doing real work
to help the ship.

This isn't a friendship.
It's a starship.

Are you a star

- or not?
- What?

The bridge crew brought in this crap,

they should clean it up.
I'm not their mom.

Uh, I don't know. It's not that bad.

It was the worst!
I hate this stupid ship.

Whoa, slow to impulse:
you love the Cerritos.

Ugh, I must have sounded so stupid.

I thought we were gonna have so much fun

picking up the trash.

Ha! I even volunteered us for it.

- Wait, you did?
- Why?

You guys were always sad that
we don't go on cool missions.

[DISTORTED]: So Ensign Genius over here

figured it would be fun

to get closer to the action.

But you guys were right. It sucked!

And being lower decks sucks!

I wish I was still on Orion!

Uh, Tendi, that cube's kind of...

Today has been totally degrading!

Uh, maybe-maybe put down
the cube before you...

[TENDI GRUNTING]

[ROARS]

[BOTH SCREAM]

[TENDI GRUNTS]

- [TENDI ROARS]
- We got a scorpion here!

What was that cube?

There has to be a way to reverse it.

[MARINER AND RUTHERFORD SCREAM]

I'm getting tired of you guys

whining all day!

- [RANSOM SCREAMS]
- [KAYSHON GASPS]

- [RANSOM GRUNTS]
- [TENDI ROARS]

- [ROARING]
- [SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS] Is that Tendi?

We got to do something.

You're right. The crew depends on us.

The Starfleet manual
defines "danger" as "a force

- which causes or tends to cause harm."
- It is in times of doubt...

- [OVERLAPPING SPEECHES]
- A ship that encounters no rough wind

is a ship that's never sailed at all.

Are any of you
actually gonna do something?

We're doing it.
We're inspiring the crew.

We are the crew!

[PANTING] Tendi,

I know you're in there.
You're gonna be okay.

[ROARING]

[BOIMLER GRUNTS]

[PANTING] What happened?

Did she touch a mysterious orb?

What? No. It was a cube.

Oh! Uh, I bet it was
an Ataxian mood shifter.

I've got this.

[PANTING] Computer, big bowl of beans,

hot.

Hey, Tendi. Whoa! I sure hope

I don't spill these beans
on my... [SCREAMS]

Aah! Aah, God.

- [TENDI ROARING]
- [BOIMLER PANTING]

Computer, birthday cake, lit candles,

various temperatures.

Wow.

It sure is hard
carrying this birthday cake

with all this bean slime
on my... [SCREAMS, GRUNTS]

- [LAUGHING]
- What the hell is he doing?

- [BOIMLER GROANS]
- Shut up. Look.

Oh, no, and now the candles

have lit my uniform on fire.
What a predicament.

[SCREAMS, GRUNTS]

- [TENDI CONTINUES LAUGHING]
- [GASPS] It's working.

Her emotional armor is weakening.

[BOIMLER GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

Computer, taffy, honey, shrimp,

soda, corn, steak, chicken nugget,

crispy lemon rock candy,

chili, gravy, chocolate sundae! Hot!

[SCREAMING]

- [TENDI LAUGHING]
- [BOIMLER GROANS]

That was such a waste
of reassembled proteins.

[EXHALES] It really was.

- [CHUCKLES] You okay?
- Yeah.

Geez, I was really out of control.

Thanks for saving me.

Oh, of course. That's what we do.

[TENDI AND BOIMLER LAUGH]

[RANSOM GROANS]

Oh, no. How long were we out?

Rumdar could be anywhere.

We never should have underestimated him.

Shaka?

Maybe we didn't underestimate him.

- [GRUNTS]
- T'ANA: Holy [BLEEP].

I don't know how he was able to
survive in the vacuum of space,

- but he's totally fine.
- Uh, Pakleds are strong.

How did you get outside
in the first place?

I went to the bathroom.
When I pressed the flush button,

I got sh*t out of a little hatch.

Are you sure you weren't in an air lock?

Can I have all your codes now?

[LAUGHS] Get him out of here.

[CHANTING]: Janeway, die! Janeway, die!

Janeway, die! Janeway, die!

Ah, Rumdar returns.

Hi, everybody.

We tricked you, Janeway.

We never wanted peace.

Rumdar was a spy. [LAUGHS]

What did you learn, spy?

The Enterprise has
the biggest bathrooms ever,

and she is not Captain Janeway.

- She is Captain Freeman!
- [PAKLEDS GASP]

- That's what I've been telling you.
- [RUMDAR LAUGHS]

I tricked you.

And I didn't give up
any information, either.

I'm a good spy.

Well, yes, you are amazing.

I just wish I knew
what information you kept secret

so I could know how amazing you are.

I didn't tell you anything
about our big plan

to smuggle a Varuvian b*mb onto Earth.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Is that right?

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, Rumdar,
you truly are a master spy.

Two to beam up.

Wait a minute.

You just b*at Captain Janeway!

- [FANFARE PLAYING]
- [CHEERING]

[CHANTING]: Rumdar! Rumdar!
Rumdar! Rumdar!

Sorry I requested
anomaly consolidation duty

- and, you know, went all scorpion.
- Don't apologize.

The truth is,
collecting weird space crap

is part of the fun of Starfleet.

Ah, we were kind of being punks all day.

We should have fed off your enthusiasm,

not tried to tamp it down.

Yeah, you know what?
The best anomaly today

was all your silver linings.

- And that skull thing.
- Aw, thanks, guys.

[SNIFFS] Oh, I still smell

like slug-digested scorpion, don't I?

Yeah. The smell of adventure.

[ALL LAUGH]

Whoever Ransom picks,
remember to keep your cool.

I don't want anyone freaking out.

Sorry, you can't come with us.

That move you pulled in the mess hall

- proves you don't belong in the Redshirts.
- Hey.

- My friend was in trouble.
- You made a fool of yourself

to make a bug laugh. It was shameful.

All right, you know what's shameful?

Trying to build a persona
by copying other captains.

[SCOFFS] You think Riker did that?

You guys are wasting your time
on this Redshirt stuff.

- Be your own captains.
- [CASEY CHUCKLES]

Cute speech. I'm sure it'll play great

on the lower decks. Come on, guys.

- Guys?
- I, um, I think I'm gonna

take a break from the Redshirts,
focus on my duties.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Fine. I'll try to remember you

when I'm boldly going and you're not.

Sir, I'd like to nominate myself
for the acting captain position.

- Huh?
- I'm the best candidate

to lead the Cerritos to victory.

Oh. I don't care. Sure.

Oh, my God, really? Sir,

thank you. Sir, I won't let you down.

Quick thinking
in the mess today, Mr. Boimler.

You showed some real leadership.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, do you want to catch
a Winger Bingston show sometime?

Now, that guy can deliver a speech.

You ever see his one-man show

where he played all of Jupiter's moons?

Just got off the comms with Starfleet.

Sounds like we did a great job.

- I think that deserves a drink.
- Count me in.

- Acting Captain, you have the conn.
- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

♪

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

New shift on deck. Get out of my chair!

Aah! Thank you.
This-this was a great honor.

Go clean up Air Lock .

Pakled did something
unspeakable in there.

Yes, sir.

TENDI: Ooh! And then

he deflated back
into regular-sized Rutherford.

Big-body Rutherford?
Aw, I missed all the good stuff.

Not all the good stuff.

Snagged this baby from Shaxs's pile.

Oh, no way. This is
a submanifold casting stone.

- A what?
- We can use it

to broadcast our voices
to other planets.

- What's that good for?
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, like, what are we gonna do?

Prank call Armus? [CHUCKLES]

I wish I had someone to t*rture.

- MARINER: Hey, Armus! Shut up, shut up.
- [OTHERS LAUGH]

You, uh,
you look like a big bag of crap.

ARMUS: Who said that? Show yourself.

I am Armus. This is my domain.

MARINER: Yeah, we already
know you're Armus, dummy.

BOIMLER [SINGSONGY]: Come and find us.

We're touching your stuff.

ARMUS: What stuff? Stop that!

When I find you, I'm gonna k*ll you

with a flake of my power!

I am a skin of evil. [GRUNTS]

- TENDI: More like a puddle of [BLEEP].
- [OTHERS LAUGHING]

ARMUS: Damn you!