01x20 - Double Date

[bunniefuu]

[Laughing]

Your church really knows
how to throw a fundraiser.

- That was a fun night.
- Yeah.

Yeah, and I think we all learned

who the master of ring toss is, huh?

I'm telling you.

Hey, if they start a church league,
I'm going pro.

All right, I wouldn't be too proud.

You pushed a -year-old kid
out of the way to win that.

Oh. First of all,
she was taller than me, okay?

Mm-hmm.

And second of all,
she was throwing mad elbows.

She was getting in there...

She was going nuts.
All right? I regret nothing.

I want to apologize for
making everyone leave early

and miss the raffle

because this one couldn't
keep his eyes open.

I wasn't sleeping.

Please, Mott, I was eating my hot dog,

I look over, you're like... [Snoring]

[Makes barking sound]

All right, all right, I'm exhausted.

Last night,
the kids took my sleep apnea mask,

filled it with juice...
I almost drowned.

Yeah, the kids did that.

It looks like the church
raised a lot of money.

And, Kev, I hear that you've
been doing some volunteer work.

You're building a playground?

- Didi, no. Didi, please...
- [Huffs]

You know what it is, Didi, is...

Okay, I'm gonna put on some coffee.

- I can't hear this again.
- I'll help you.

All right, anyway, see, most people,

they just sit around waiting for change.

But it's the few of us, like myself,

who actually... make it happen.

It ain't exactly Habitat for Humanity.

You're putting together a swing set.

- Oh...
- [Cellphone ringing]

Hold on a second. [Groans]

Hello?

Father Philip, what's happening?

You gotta be kidding me.

That's unbelievable.

Well, God bless you. God bless you.

God bless you.

- Hey, take it down a notch.
- No, no, no.

He's got allergies.
He's sneezing like crazy.

Okay, well, I gotta let 'em know.
That is incredible.

Thank you, Father. See ya.

You guys won the grand
prize at the raffle.

- What?
- You gotta be kidding me.

- Yes!
- Wait a minute, what'd we win?

The prize, get the prize. [Stammering]

Ooh, what'd we...

“All-expense-paid
weekend for four people

at the Lux Resort and Spa” [Laughing]

- Ooh!
- Oh, look. Hold on!

Look at that, look at that.

Japanese steakhouse,
massages, all included.

Ooh! Ooh, I'm gonna get one of
those deep tissue massages all over.

And I'm gonna get... I'm gonna
get the paraffin foot treatments

to make my feet all nice and soft.

Ooh, good, baby,
'cause right now it feels like

you're wearing golf shoes to bed.

Oh, you wanna play that game?

Let's talk about your shoulder fat.

No. Come on, we good, we good.

Yeah, I thought so.

You know what, Kev?

Thanks for talking me
into buying that ticket.

What? You only bought one ticket?

Wow, we bought , but, uh, hey,

at least we won a rubber basketball.

It's Spongetech, okay?

And I would've won a lot more,
but my water p*stol jammed.

Oh, here we go.

No, I'm not saying Father
Daniel runs a rigged game.

That's between him and God,
but it was rigged.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

- Hey, babe.
- Hey.

Ooh, what are you makin'?

It started as a BLT but,
uh, we ran out of L and T.

So, uh...

I'm just making a BM.

- It's a bacon and mayonnaise.
- Oh.

Hey, I'm gonna go to Marshalls later

and get us new suits for
the spa this weekend.

I already have my Jets one.
It's very comfortable.

- I like it.
- Oh, honey, that's years old.

All the inside netting is gone.

You're welcome, ladies.

Oh, and has Goody given us
the official invite yet?

Uh, no. You know what it is?

- I think he wants to surprise us.
- Really?

He said he's going to come over
and borrow a “nail g*n.”

Oh.

You know what it is?
I think he didn't want

to say it in front of
the Motts last night.

Oh, no. Of course. That'd be awkward.

But I mean, the Motts
have to understand.

It's only room for two couples,
and we bought the tickets

to the fundraiser.

You know, and, look,
we're their best friends.

Yeah, um, okay,
I'm gonna go check with Kendra and Chale

and make sure that
they're all good to watch

the kids this weekend.

Okay, hey,
but there was only one package of bacon,

so don't tell them about my BM.

Might want to rename that.

- [Knocks]
- Hey, man. Oh!

- Hey.
- You got that nail g*n?

Oh, yeah. The, uh, “the nail g*n,”

- it's “in the shed.”
- [Chuckles]

"All right, “cool”"

Uh, I'm gonna go grab that
and I'll catch you later.

Okay, hey, I just wanna
say congratulations

on the spa weekend again.
That's the way to go.

Thanks, man.
You know, Didi is over the moon.

- We needed it.
- Oh, yeah.

All right, dawg, I got Layla in the car.

Hey, let me ask you...
So wait, it's like...

It was four people,
right, I think, going...

Yeah, we're taking the Motts.

Hey, thanks for the nail g*n.
Hit you next week.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

- Hey there, neighbor.
- Hey.

I need to borrow some milk.

My girlfriend is making oliebollen.

You make it without milk,
you know what you got?

Regular bollen?

All right, you heard that joke before.

- [Singsongy] Hey!
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Oh. Hey, Rootger.

- I'm borrowing some milk.
- Okay.

Doink.

Hey.

- Hey.
- [Door closes]

You know, I almost
called Didi twice today,

and then I stopped myself.

I'm not over this, you know?

But I was thinking,
we just need to find another couple.

Rootger's got a girlfriend

and they're about to make oliebollen.

You know, so maybe we
can hang with them.

Rootger's girlfriend

takes photographs of
garbage in the rain.

I've seen her do it more than once.

Do you know what our mistake was here?

Is that we put all of our
friend eggs in one basket.

It's the Goody and Mott basket.

Yes, we made ourselves
a Goody omelet...

with a side of tater Motts.

- Clever.
- Right?

Yeah.

But all we got was eggs Benedict.

Oh. Very good, sweetheart.

- Yeah. You get it, though?
- I get it.

So... if they think we're
gonna be crying here all day

by ourselves, you know,
the yolk's on them.

Okay, that's... it's
enough. That's enough.

I'm just looking on the
sunny side of things.

Stop.

- Okay, that was the last one.
- Stop it.

- That was the last one!
- Done.

- One more for the shell of it?
- No. No.

I gotta just throw it out there.

I'm just gonna throw it out there.

Okay, I'm out. I'm out.

And, you know, by the way,

it's not like we don't
have other friends.

- We got a ton of friends, all right?
- Yeah.

We're very outgoing, popular people.

Absolutely.

You know, I got high school buddies,

I got friends from the force.

This guy at the bagel shop right now,

I know he's dying to hang out with us.

Well, should we call him?

No, I don't know his name.
I know he likes...

- He likes poppy seeds. I know that.
- Okay. All right.

But you know what? All we gotta do

is we just gotta get in
touch with some people,

and we gotta make things happens, right?

- I like that. Frank!
- What?

No, that's the poppy
seed guy's name is Frank.

No, it's not Frank.
That's the guy who works at the deli.

I love that guy. That guy's good.

Hey, Lisa. It's Donna Gable.

Listen, um, Kevin and I,
we're having a dinner party

and we want you and...

He left you?

[Gasps] Oh.

Oh, well, honey, that is not your fault.

I guess that...
that really says a lot about Mark, huh?

And your sister, yeah.

So listen, do you have their number?

I'm out of b*ll*ts. How'd you do?

No friends,
but I got Chinese coming in minutes.

Hello, hello.

Hey! What are you crazy
kids doing tonight?

You're gonna hit the clubs,
a little vaping, huh?

Uh, no, no.
We were just about to watch a movie.

- You need something?
- A movie. I could do that.

Love a movie.

We could make up a big batch of popcorn,

get some blankies, you know,
make a night of it.

Okay, what's going on?

All right, well, due to circumstances

outside of our control,
we are temporarily

a little short in the friend bucket.

Have you tried the Internet?

It...
it's where people make friends nowadays.

Even couples.

Loser couples, yeah.

Yeah, but, honey, I mean,
it's not such a terrible idea.

- We could try it.
- Eh...

Yeah. Yeah, give it a sh*t.

You know, and if you have
nothing else to do tonight,

you can just come and
watch the movie with us.

Okay. All right, thanks.

- All right, what are we watching?
- Yeah.

"Oh, it's great.
It's called “Snow Kisses”"

It's the true story of
a disabled Eskimo boy

who befriends a family of harp seals.

I am out.

Ooh, me, too.

♪

One of the benefits of being retired is

I get to do much more charity work.

I don't know if I've
mentioned the playground

that I'm in the process of building.

- You did.
- A couple times.

Yeah.

By the way, you guys,
the pizza at that Enzo's restaurant

was delicious.

- Oh, hey...
- Good call.

Show a little loyalty to Vito's,
hon, come on.

Oh, that's our favorite pizza
place out on Shelter Island.

Ooh, that's pretty far
to go for pizza, huh?

Not really. Not if we take our
boat, right? About minutes.

You guys have a boat?

Oh, yeah. We pull up to the dock,

Vito brings the pie right out to you.

You eat pizza on the boat?

- Yeah.
- Yep.

That's literally...
that's the dream I have every...

Pretty much every night,
I would say, right?

- It's big for him.
- It is big.

I see you guys are low on wine,

so why don't we go open another bottle?

Yeah, absolutely.

You know that, right, honey?

- With the Captain's hat?
- No, I know that dream.

You talk about that dream all the time.

They have a boat. I like them.

You see what happens when
you roll up your sleeves

and you do not settle?

Oh, seems like things
are going very nicely

with your new friends.

Yes, and thank you, Chale,
for suggesting that website.

Actually, I didn't even
use Chale's website.

No?

'Cause there was another
website kept popping up,

so I clicked on it... It was, uh,

it was coupleslifestyle.com
or something.

I don't know.

I'm not familiar with that one. Mm.

Here it... Oh, no.

- What?
- What?

Uh, I think you may be using

a site where people share partners.

What do you...

Share partners.

You hooked us up with swingers?

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Chale, just scroll
down. Let me see that.

No, look at this.

There's couples singing,
couples dancing,

couples wrestling...
Ooh, that's not wrestling.

You hooked us up with swingers!

I will be in the garage.

And just know,
whatever you decide, no judgment.

Get out, get out. Get out.

[Door closes]

All right, look, I'm sorry, all right?

I will go out there and
I will get rid of them.

Let's not be rude, all right?

Because this is kind of our mistake.

Let's just finish the
wine and we'll wrap it up

- in a classy way.
- All right, but...

Hey, what if it gets weird?
What do you mean?

What if they...

wanna get jiggy with us?

They won't, because it's not .

Besides,
they haven't tried anything all night.

- You're right. All right.
- Okay.

Wait.

Why haven't they tried anything?

- What? You want them to?
- Well, no!

It's always nice to be asked.

It's still early. Maybe
they're gonna plan

to make their move now or something.

Hey. What's, uh, going on?

Oh, you know, we have an early morning.
But, um...

- Yeah.
- Thanks... thanks for dinner.

Wait. Did... Did we do something wrong?

Um, look, to be honest, we're, uh,

not really feeling you guys.

Especially, uh...

It's not important.

Wow. Turned down by swingers.

Now we know.

I should've worn my stretchy jeans.

Well, that's gonna sting for a while.

Yep. Bye-bye, pizza boat.

That's the takeaway from this?
The pizza boat?

It's the frontrunner right now, yes.

You're unbelievable.

Look, I don't know what you
want us to do, all right?

I mean, nobody wants
to hang out with us.

Us?

You're saying it was me?

Babe, I don't wanna hurt your feelings,

but % yes.

What?! Okay, well, since we're
taking feelings off the table,

I'm gonna tell you right now,

I've been carrying this team for years.

- Carrying us?
- Yeah.

With what? Your stupid jokes?

Those little jokes are
a lighthouse for people

who are lost in the ocean
of your boring-ass stories.

They're out there floating.
Oh, they're out there.

They're just floating around and like,

“I think I see it in the harbor.

"There it is, the light”"

- Are you done?
- Now I am.

I get it.

My stories are interesting, okay?

I'll have you know that
three separate people

have told me I should have a vlog.

A vlog? What is that?

A cabin in the woods where
you take people to bore them?

No. It's a video blog, okay?

And maybe if you listened
instead of interrupting me

when I'm trying to...
I'm doing you a favor.

I am like the music at an awards show.

A gentle reminder to wrap things up.

Okay. Well, at least I didn't
blow it with the swingers.

Oh, you don't think that was me?

Really? No, no, no, no.

I don't wanna do this,
I didn't wanna bring it up,

but at the restaurant,
they couldn't take their eyes off me.

None of us could.

You had a piece of linguine
on your chin for over an hour.

It wasn't the linguine.
They were looking at me, like,

“Ooh, I love him”"
“Look at him.”

They were like, “Ooh. Look at him”"

Even the waiter was walking by,

- "like, “Ooh, look at that. Ooh”"
- Really?

He did, like, one of these.

Okay, well, if they were so into you,

were they texting you?

'Cause they've been blowing
up my phone since they left.

I don't know. Let me check.

- Aha! In your face.
- They texted you?

No, but Frank from the deli did.

Ah, what are we doing?

Why are we turning on each other?

[Sighs] I don't know. You're right.

I'm... I'm sorry, all right?

No, honey, I'm sorry, too.

[Sighs] You know what? It's just...

I always thought that
you and I were enough.

We didn't need another couple, you know?

Well, we don't.

We just need to get back to that.

Tomorrow night, let's...

Just you and I, let's go on a date.

Nobody else, it'll be
just the two of us.

I would love that, okay?

- I love you.
- I love you. Sorry.

- Good night.
- Good night.

[Switch clicks]

Wait a second. I didn't
even have linguine.

No. Steve did,
but When you finished your pizza,

you said, “Can I snag some?”

That's right. Good night.

[Crickets chirping]

Ah, see, this is... now
this is all we need.

Mm.

The stars up above,
big bag of cheeseburgers,

and my lady by my side.

I'm not crazy about the order,

but that's very sweet.

You all right?

Yeah, it's just the, uh,

the windshield wiper keeps
digging into my back.

[Laughs] There we go.

This is good, you know?

We don't need Goody or Mott or any...
It's not good.

It's not good.

All right, all right.
Honey, just wait, please.

Please, stop moving
around. You're gonna...

You're gonna push me off the edge.

Oh, now it's out.

- Figure it out. Okay.
- Okay.

[Sighs]

You know, when I was in junior high,

I was a little awkward. You know that.

I was a foot taller than everybody,
I had braces,

I had a boys haircut,
and I was really skinny, like,

like my whole body was made of
bendy straws skinny, you know?

And these two girls...
I thought they were my friends,

but they went to this party,
they didn't invite me...

[Imitating horn tooting]

[Imitates drumming]

- [Imitating up-tempo music]
- Stop it!

This story has a point.

Yes, a very dull point.

Which is... Goody and Mott...
They dumped on us,

but we're kind of letting
them get away with it.

You know what?
We should... We should go to that resort

and have a good time and
make sure they see us.

- We can't. We can't go there.
- Wha...

It's gonna look sad.

- More sad than we are right now?
- [Exhales]

So what are we gonna do?

I wanna make 'em jealous, but look,

we just don't have
another couple to go with.

- Well...
- [Sighs]

There is still one couple
we have in the hopper.

[Utensils clacking]

I have to say, I'm
surprised you invited us.

I didn't think we were
part of your inner circle.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah, we...

We've been honing in on you
guys for quite some time.

Just waiting for the right
moment to get to know you better

and I think we found that moment,
right, hon?

Oh, yeah. You know, Kevin and I
were just saying the other day,

we gotta hang out with Rootger and,
uh, and, um...

- Floor.
- Right. Oh, I know. Floor.

Are you having a good time, Floorsie?

Time of my life.

Oh, there they are.

- [Utensils clinking]
- [Laughing]

- Whoa!
- Yeah!

- Oh!
- [Laughter and applause]

- That looks like a fun table.
- Oh...

[Cheering, laughter]

Shut all the doors. Did you see that?

A volcano made of onions.

Oh, I love it. This is great.

I can't believe what my eyes are seeing.

You know what?
Here is where the money's at, okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

We will get our own volcano.

Yeah, all right. I bet you make
a pretty mean onion volcano,

right, uh, Sanjay?

This is my first day.

So how about a, uh,
choo-choo train of bowls, huh?

- Look at this. Look at this.
- All right, okay.

- Look, look, look. Choo choo.
- Oh!

Oh! Look at them, they're all in a row!
[Laughs]

Yeah, boy, look at them go!
Chugga, chugga, chugga!

Giddy on up! [Imitating chugging]

[Indistinct conversations]

- Oh...
- Oh!

Oh, man!

- This guy's amazing!
- [Laughs]

Oh, I think he wants you to
look in your pocket, dawg.

Shut up!

Oh! [Laughing]

Ooh, watch out, everybody.

It's going to blow.

[Soft poof]

This volcano makes me sad.

Okay, come on, Sanjay,

get... get some gasoline
or something, all right?

Yeah.

I'm going to get some
stuff from the back.

- Make it happen, man.
- [Laughs]

This is...

Wait. Honey, what are you doing?

No, I'm just gonna add a little
sizzle to this night, okay?

- Please be careful.
- Oh, I will, okay?

It's just like ring toss, only with food

and a very hot surface, okay?

Oh! Ah!

Hey! Hey!

Floorsie, you want some shrimp?

Hey, Floorsie, shrimp?
Here you go, Floorsie.

- Whoa!
- Whoa. Okay.

[Laughs] Look at that.

I will still eat this.

- Hey, sweetheart, you're up next.
- Okay, okay, okay.

- You ready? Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh!

- Oh! Hey!
- Yeah!

Hey!

Oh! Okay... Oh...

Is that Kev?

[Utensils clinking]

Hey!

Oh, hey, man. What the
hell are you doing?

Taking my wife and my real friends out

- for a nice night out.
- Donna: Yeah.

Rootger, look alive, buddy.

- [Chomps]
- [Laughing]

[Utensils clinking]

Wait. “Real friends”?

Hold up, are you mad at us?

Well, truth is, you
should have invited us.

We would've invited you guys,
but you said you were busy.

[Scoffs] Oh, oh!

Your lies don't work at this table.

No, we were in your living room,

and you said you had
to work every Saturday.

- What are you even talking about?
- I never said that.

Yeah, until the playground was finished.

Remember? For the kids?

In fact,
weren't you supposed to be there today?

Oh, that's right.

[Gasps]

Ow.

[Thud, sizzling]

- Aah!
- [Thud]

You know, Kev, tomorrow morning,

Goody and I are gonna head
over there and help you

finish that playground.

Thanks, guys.

- [Glasses clinking]
- Cheers.

- There you go.
- All right. All right.

But you know what?
I still can't believe you guys thought

we would just ditch you like that.

Yeah, we would never do that to y'all.

[Sighs] I know. I'm sorry.

We overreacted.

Come on, we love you guys.

Yeah, you should know that.

Oh, thank you, but I
mean, in our defense,

we were really hurt.

It doesn't feel good to be left out.

No, it doesn't.

Is there something wrong with us?

Us?