[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪
♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪
♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪
♪ Flowers as mean ♪
♪ As you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪
♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[♪♪♪]
D.J.: Dad. STEPH: Dad.
Oh, look at this,
here come my girls
and I bet they can't
wait to hug their dad.
Will you tell D.J. to stop
hogging the bathroom?
It just so happens
I was in there first.
Well, pin a rose on your nose.
Girls, I'm still in
the hug mode.
She turned off my
Beauty and the Beast tape.
After the hundredth
time you played it.
I'm trying to learn the words.
I guess I can put my
arms down now, huh?
Oh, tough day.
I gotta start screening
those junior rangers.
I had a cryer, two wetters,
and some kid got
a splinter in his butt.
[AS MR. WOODCHUCK]
Was the splinter made of...
wood?
Excuse me, but we
were talking about
D.J. hogging the bathroom.
D.J.: I was not
hogging the bathroom.
That's why you stay in there...
Okay, hold it. Hold it, hold it!
If I didn't know any better,
I'd say this wasn't the
happiest family on earth.
Oh, puh-lease.
You know what?
I've got a great idea.
Reserved seating
in the bathroom?
No, let's take time out
from all this bickering
and just go out
together as a family.
I hereby declare tonight
Tanner Family Fun Night.
[ALL GROAN] Oh, man.
DANNY: Aw, come
on, go with me on this.
Two hours of nonstop
feel-good Tanner family fun.
What do you say?
I guess. All right.
Oh, that's the spirit.
Go get your coats, come on.
Honey, I don't
wanna argue with you,
but are you saying that
my mother is wrong?
No, sweetheart. I'm
saying your mother's insane.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, darling, you must be joking.
My mother simply suggested
that we use cornstarch
when we diaper the boys.
Ah, but we wanna
keep the boys dry,
not grow crops in
their underpants.
You know what you two need?
A little dose of
Tanner family fun.
Grab the twins and
come to dinner with us.
You know what?
That sounds real good.
But we'll pass.
We will?
We don't want the boys
going out to a restaurant
during cold and flu season.
Oh, come on, Becky.
Don't you think
you're babying them?
Well, sweetheart,
they are babies.
You sure you don't wanna come?
We're gonna sing show
tunes all the way there.
When you put it that way,
why take a chance
during cold and flu season?
We'll have to pass.
Okay, miss the
funnest night of the year.
Okay, everybody, let's go.
It's Tanner family fun time.
Come on, everybody.
Hut, hut, hut.
Okay, where do
you guys wanna eat?
I want pizza.
I want burgers.
I want tacos.
I need chocolate cake.
No problem, I'll just find
a Mexican-Italian burger
and cake emporium.
[PATRONS CHATTERING]
Oh, yeah, could I have picked
a better restaurant
than this, huh?
Boy, these pirates look real.
Ahoy, ye scurvy seadogs!
Welcome to ye
Pirate Cove. This way.
[DANNY CHUCKLES]
Ho, ho. Shiver me timbers.
Dad, this place is so lame.
What if my friends see me here?
Well, that would make them
just as lame as you, wouldn't it?
Yo, ho. Yo, ho. Got
you there, matey.
Just slap your
barnacles right here.
Okay... we've got
three shipmates.
Thank you.
And two little buccaneers.
A kiddie menu for moi?
How rude.
Look, it got puzzles.
Connect the dots.
Very challenging.
Don't worry, I'll help you.
I'm not into fish.
You got any pizza?
Arr!
Maybe you didn't
notice the boat, pal,
but we got kind of a
seafood thing going on here.
But I'll go up to the galley
and see if I can't drum you
up a sliver of dried salted beef.
Yum. Har, har, har.
What a goofball.
Now, why don't we all
get in the pirate spirit?
You know what?
What better way to
get into the pirate spirit
than donning our
cardboard pirate hats.
Dad, you look like a dweeb.
Yes, but I'm a dweeb having fun.
You know why?
Because everything is
more fun with a hat on.
Come on, put your
hats on. Let's go.
Are you swabbies ready to order?
Dad, please don't make me
order from the kiddie menu.
You know what,
honey? You're right.
This is Tanner Family
Fun Night and, sweetheart,
you can have
anything you'd like.
I believe I'll have
the sunken treasure.
"A scrumptious assortment
of King Neptune's favorites
from the bottom of the
sea." [DANNY CHUCKLES]
That sounds like a fun meal.
Whoa, 23.95.
Boy, fun doesn't come
cheap around here, does it?
Arr.
I believe I'll have
the chocolate cake.
Oh, a delicious slab of cake
near as big as your
head, me hearty.
Whoa, baby.
Too bad we're out.
No chocolate
cake? What a rip-off.
PIRATE: Excuse me.
Everybody get down.
Get down, get down.
Why? D.J., what's wrong?
There's some kids
here from my school.
Oh, yeah, there's
Shelly Phillips.
Dad, please.
Don't do anything
to attract attention.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Chocolate cake.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Sarah ♪
Her name's not Sarah.
Oh, sorry, wrong table.
Come back with
the chocolate cake.
You have a big mouth.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Hey, Beck, we're back.
Got your favorite pizza.
Pineapple and anchovy.
I believe you forgot something.
Oh, yeah, extra cheese.
I've been thinking about
this extra cheese thing.
It's a rip-off because
how do you really know
if you get extra cheese
or not? You don't.
I was talking about
the baby's hat.
The one I asked you to put on
if you took the baby
out into the cold air.
Yeah, I know
the hat. I put it on.
It just must've fallen off
on my way out, that's all.
Really? Mm-hm.
And landed behind this pillow?
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
What are the odds of
that? Million-to-one, say.
Probably. Yeah.
Ah, Jess, look at this.
His head is freezing.
My mother says that 60
percent of the body's heat
is lost through the head.
Sixty percent of
his body is his head.
That's why he should
be wearing a hat.
He's gonna get sick.
Beck, he can't wear
the hat in the house.
It'll stunt his hair growth.
What hair?
The hair I'm trying to grow
if we can get some
sunlight and fresh air
on his bald little head.
You know what, if
you don't believe me,
maybe you will
believe my mother.
She always said,
"A hat on the head
keeps a child out of bed."
All right. Well, I'll call
my mom on the other line.
She's got a few
sayings of her own.
My favorite is, "My
boy is always right."
Ha!
Oh, hi, Mom.
Yeah. Mom, listen,
could you talk to Jesse?
He has a very cavalier
attitude with the babies.
Hi, Mom. Becky is really
overprotective with these kids.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
BOTH: She wants to talk to you.
Do this for me... I
don't wanna talk to her...
Be nice to my mom.
Right now, yes. No, you...
Hi, Nedra. Hi, Irene.
How are you? Yeah, fine, fine.
Right. Yeah, well... Listen.
BOTH: My mom always said that...
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Let me just ask you this.
D-did you really say,
"A hat on the head
keeps a child out of bed?"
Really?
You stitched it on a sampler?
Right, I got it.
"A scarf on the throat
goes great with a coat."
Right. Mm-hm.
Uh-huh. Oh, yes, I'm
writing these down.
Yeah, oh, yeah, got 'em.
Okay, hold on.
Your mom wants
to talk to my mom.
Good, because your mom
wants to talk to my mom.
[WOMEN CHATTERING]
I can't put my
mother through this.
Ma, doesn't Becky's mom
squawk like a chick...?
Hi, Becky's mom.
No. Oh, no.
I didn't say squawk like
a chicken. No, no, no.
I said... I said...
talks like Charles Dickens.
Okay, yeah.
God bless us, every one.
Oh, nice move, Jess.
[BABY CRYING]
Uh-oh. That's Alex.
Hold it, Beck.
You can't go
charging in the room
every time the kid
makes the slightest peep.
Watch me.
If you're doing this to
annoy me, it's working.
Come here, bub.
Mommy's here. Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, what's the
matter, little baby?
See, Beck, there you go again.
You're treating them
like mama's boys.
Now, he's gotta stand
on his own two feet.
Jess, he doesn't
even know he has feet.
Babies need to feel secure.
Their personalities are affected
by every decision that we make.
That's why we gotta be cool,
so they'll grow up to be cool.
Beck, these kids
were born to be wild.
Excuse me. They were
born to be little gentlemen.
That'll make a fine tattoo.
Beck, you're turning
our kids into wimps.
I just think from now on,
you ought to let me make the
parenting decisions around here.
Oh, well, that would
be a good plan,
except every decision
you make is wrong.
I know more about
raising kids than you do.
Ha! Yeah.
I bet if I raised Alex
and you raised Nicky,
my child would be perfect,
and yours would be a mess.
Oh, in the words of
Michelle, "puh-lease."
I can just imagine how
Alex would turn out.
Oh, and I can just imagine
what you would do to Nicky.
[♪♪♪]
Mommy, Mommy.
Mommy, guess what? Guess what?
What? What is it, Alex, dear?
I have big news. Where's Daddy?
He's in the bathroom.
Jess. Honey.
JESSE: Not now, Beck.
I'm moussing my new hair plugs.
Jess, would you stop
obsessing about your hair?
Whatever you're
losing on your head,
you're growing on your back.
Thank God, where do you
think I got these plugs from?
Daddy, Mommy, I made the team.
Oh, Alex, that's wonderful.
Oh, Jess, isn't that wonderful?
Yeah. Yes, isn't
that great, Father?
Hey, that's terrific, son.
Getting into sports there.
Attaboy.
Yeah, what are you playing,
football, basketball there?
Chess. Chess.
Actually, I'm the
equipment manager.
I get to carry all the pieces
and set them up
before each match.
We even have a cheer.
Take your time! Take your time!
Think, think, think!
Outmaneuver your opponent
Till he's in a quandary!
That's... That's nice.
That's a nice cheer there, son.
That quandary cheer,
I like that one. That's...
That's a terr... What
have you done to our son?
Oh, like you did such
a good job with Nicky.
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS]
Jess, I thought you
were gonna talk to him
about riding that
motorcycle in the house.
Well, I am. I'm gonna
talk to him right now.
[REVVING ENGINE]
Son... Hey, Ward.
Hey, June. Hey, Beav.
Nicholas, what did I tell you
about riding that
motorcycle in the bedroom?
Becky, Nick is a biker,
okay? He's gotta ride his bike.
He's too young to
ride in the street.
He's gotta ride in the house.
Nick, but just be careful.
Wear a helmet when you're
going up and down the stairs.
I know. Don't pop a plug.
You can tell I have plugs?
Only when I look
at 'em. Ha, ha, ha.
Well, Jess, you didn't
raise a mama's boy.
Well, he's just going
through a difficult stage.
His life.
Mommy, I'm chafing again.
Oh, hold on one second,
sweetheart. Mommy's coming.
Turn around. Here's
the cornstarch.
[CHUCKLES]
What a dork.
Mommy, Nicholas
just called me a dork.
[SOBBING]
You see how you messed up Alex.
Ha. Not as bad as
you messed up Nicky.
Well, at least he doesn't cry.
He can't help it. He has a rash.
[♪♪♪]
If he's got a rash, he
should take it like a man.
You see what'll happen
if we baby these kids?
Oh, my kid would never
turn out to be such a wimp.
But your kid, that
was pretty scary.
That would never happen.
Are you saying your kid
wouldn't be out of control?
No, I'm saying I'll
never lose my hair.
If I do, I'd get
one of those rugs
that stays on in the wind,
and the pool and everything.
Hey, Jess.
Does this baby look
a little flushed to you?
Yeah, he does.
He's warm too.
He sounds congested.
Becky, what do we do?
Our kids have never
been sick before.
All right, don't panic.
I'll take his temperature.
All right, I'll get
the humidifier.
I'll call the doctor.
And I'll take him out, just
in case he's contagious.
It's okay, sweetie.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Mommy's gonna take
your temperature, okay?
[♪♪♪]
What is taking
my dinner so long?
Are my friends looking at me?
D.J., nobody is looking at you.
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Can I wait in the car?
Honey, there is no fun
happening in the car.
All the fun is right here.
Ugh.
Why did I order this?
Here, Michelle.
Ew, gross. k*ll it, Daddy.
Michelle, it's just an octopus,
and it's already dead.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you put our little,
eight-legged cephalopod
back in the t*nk, please?
Are you sure it's
not my birthday?
Yes, sweetheart, for
the hundredth time,
it's that little
girl's birthday,
and that's why she gets
the chocolate cake, all right?
Is she gonna eat
the whole thing?
Michelle, just suck
it up and move on.
Ahoy,
knackwurst and potato
pancakes for the landlubber.
Well, it's about time.
Hey, I know you,
you're Ranger Joe
from TV. Hey, kids,
look who's here.
It's Ranger Joe.
Look at this. There you
go. BOY: Ranger Joe!
Kids, I'd like to sign
your autographs,
but could you wait till
after I finish my dinner?
[SNEEZES]
I'm finished. Okay,
where's that pen?
Hi, D.J.
Oh, hi, Shelly.
What are you guys doing here?
We thought it'd be
a riot to come goof
on all the lame
families that come here.
That's why we're here too.
Uh-uh. It's Tanner
Family Fun Night.
I gotta tell the guys this one.
I've gotta find a new school.
Eww!
This one has eyes.
I'm sorry, but I can't eat
anything that's looking at me.
You can't let all this
food go to waste.
Joey, you want to eat it?
Danny, that's not
dinner. It's Marineland.
A whole semester
trying to be cool,
wiped out by one night
of Tanner family fun.
Okay, that's it.
We're out of here.
Check, please.
Not so fast, matey.
I spy a landlubber
who hasn't finished
his sunken treasure.
And that means
you walk the plank.
ALL: Plank! Plank!
Plank! [BELL RINGING]
Plank! Plank! Plank!
[CHANTING CONTINUES]
Enough.
Arr!
That's your favorite
letter, isn't it?
Any last words?
Yes, there's something
I'd like to say to my family.
Tonight, I had a dream...
that people who love each
other could go out together.
To laugh, to have
fun, to eat fish.
But who was I kidding?
Only myself. Okay,
I'm ready now.
Plank! Plank! Plank!
STEPH: Dad! DANNY: What?
STEPH: Wait! What?
This is my fault.
I'm the one who ordered
the Undersea World
of Jacques Cousteau.
And if anyone deserves
to walk the plank, it's me.
ALL: Plank! Plank! Plank!
Hold on, hold on.
I should be the one who
has to walk the plank.
The reason we
didn't have fun tonight
was because of my bad attitude.
So someone sneezed on
my knackwurst, big deal.
Dad, Joey's right.
We all had bad attitudes.
I admit, when I first came
here, I was a little embarrassed.
But now that I'm up
here, standing on a boat...
and seeing
everybody stare at me,
I'm totally humiliated.
My turn.
Sarah, are you gonna
eat all that cake?
Oh, you know,
this was really sweet of
you guys to come up here.
This is kind of the Tanner
family fun I was hoping for.
ALL: Plank! Plank! Plank!
I'll walk the plank,
but not because I
didn't clean my plate.
Because I came here for
Tanner Family Fun Night.
And gosh darn it, we Tanners
are gonna have some fun.
Am I right, me buckos?
Arr. Yeah.
Okay, man overboard.
Ho!
[AS POPEYE] Well,
blow me down. Whoa!
Cannonball!
Cowabunga!
I'll go wait in the car.
Arr.
What the heck?
Hey, hey, thanks, Deej.
[ALL LAUGHING, SHRIEKING]
Look out.
[ALL SHOUTING]
It's okay, honey.
You're gonna be all right.
Jess, when is the
doctor gonna call?
It's been over an hour.
I know.
Becky, I'm sorry. This
whole thing is my fault.
Jess, it's not your
fault. Yes, it is.
I should've listened
to you in the first place.
I took Alex out without
a hat to get pizza,
and now he's got
a fever. I'm sorry.
Honey, it was Nicky you
took out without a hat.
It was?
Becky, I don't know what
I'm doing here anymore.
I know what you mean. [SIGHS]
I feel like these kids should
come with an owner's manual.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello. Yes, Dr. Arnold.
Okay, thanks for calling back.
Listen, Alex has a
temperature of 101.
Yeah, yeah. We did the compress.
Right. We did the humidifier.
I took the other
baby out. Yeah, right.
We did it.
Did it.
That's it? What
am I paying you for?
Just kidding.
All right, thanks, doc. Bye.
What did he say?
He said we're doing
everything right,
and there's nothing else to do.
Hey, Jess, look at this.
Alex's temperature
is back to normal.
We did it? We got him
through his first fever?
Yes, and we didn't
even argue about it.
We didn't even call
our moms. [LAUGHS]
Beck, I'm sorry.
I've been a real pain.
I'm sorry too.
Honey, we both want
what's best for our kids,
and we just disagree
sometimes on how to get there.
Yeah. About this
parenting thing,
I mean, these kids are gonna be
hanging around the house
for a good 18 to 19 more years.
We better come up with a plan.
Okay, I think instead
of arguing so much,
we should really
listen to each other.
Then we can take the
best of what each of us
has to say and compromise.
That's a good plan.
Well, we make a great team.
Actually, I, uh,
smell an opportunity for
teamwork as we speak.
Okay, so, what do
we use, partner?
Cornstarch or baby powder?
Well, I say we go for
a little combo platter.
All right, we'll make a very
special baby butt blend.
Here we go. I'll
mix, and you apply.
Oh, what a team.
Ah. All right, we're ready.
Let's take 'em off...
Whoa! Whoo! Ooh! Wow.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
[♪♪♪]