05x25 - Captain Video (Part 1)

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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05x25 - Captain Video (Part 1)

Post by bunniefuu »

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

ALL: ♪ I pledge my
love and loyalty ♪

♪ To all the hive
And every bee ♪

♪ Our motto is and ever was ♪

♪ Buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz Buzz, buzz, buzz ♪

Please bee seated.

Girls, as you know, in my
youth, I was a Honeybee.

Now, I'm not the kind of person

who likes to brag, but, huh,

my hive voted me Queen
Bee and retired my antennas.

Sounds like bragging to me.

Okay, all you Honeybees,
it is time right now

to welcome into the hive
a new honey of a bee,

let's hear it for
Michelle Tanner.

[ALL BUZZING]

"Plea-zzz" save all your
buzzing until the end.

Okay, it is time right now

for me to present
to you, Michelle,

the official Honeybee sash.

You know, honey,
I-I can't believe

you're my last little baby bee.

You know, I've put three
bees through the hive.

I don't mean to drone on,
but who better to drone with

than a bunch of bees, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Daddy, my sash.

Oh. Right. Sorry.

Excuse your antennae.

There you go.

How come I don't
have any badges?

Because you have to earn them

by doing projects.

You know,

I had so many badges, I
had to wear two sashes.

In fact, I earned a badge

for earning the most badges.

Somebody's bragging again.

♪ Oh, Lumberjack
Jess And Ranger Joe ♪

♪ Friends forever
Wherever they go ♪

♪ Through thick and
thin They'll never part ♪

♪ One has hair The
other has heart ♪

What do you think?

You're fired.

What? Fire... Oh...
Oh, yeah, I get it,

you want your name first.

You're such a baby.

♪ Ranger Joe... ♪
Uh, Jess, Jess.

Forget about the music.

You're still fired.

What?

There's been some big
budget cuts down at the station,

and they decided you're out.

I almost said to 'em,
"Hey, if he goes, I go."

But I really like it there.

You're really f*ring
me? I'm fired?

Why are... Fire him!

Get rid of the woodchuck.

Look, I'll do the dumb jokes,
I'll wear the stupid outfit.

I'll do anything but
sit on your hand.

Jess, look,

I don't know how to
break it to you, but, uh,

we don't pay him a salary.

He's a puppet.

What am I doing?

I'm begging to be
on a kiddie show.

I'm jealous of a
bucktoothed beaver.

[SIGHS]

Nah, this wasn't my dream,
to be on a kiddie show.

I... You know
what, this is a sign.

I'm gonna put all my energy
right back into my music.

You know what? I just heard
of this new label, Fat Fish Music.

I'm gonna put a
great demo together

and get it to them right away.

You know what, thanks.

You actually did me a favor.

Yeah, my pleasure.

If I'd known you'd be so happy,

I would've fired you weeks ago.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Boy, Deej, you sure are going to

a lot of mucho trouble.

[SIGHS]

Well, I have to get
my dad in the mood.

I can't just say, "Dad,
I'm going to Spain."

He worries when I say,
"Dad, I'm going to the mailbox."

My parents were really excited

when I told them about Spain.

They already bought
me a one-way ticket.

Okay, everybody, you
can come down now.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

She said, "Hello, my family."

Whoa-ho. Qué pasa?

He said, "Whoa-ho.
What's happening?"

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

She either said
"Dinner's ready,"

or "It's time to clip
your nose hairs."

Okay, Deej. What do you want,

how much is it gonna cost me,

and why is the
dog wearing a hat?

Well, there's this summer
study program in Barcelona. No.

I'll get to live with a
Spanish family. No.

I'll study the language
and expand my horizons.

No. Doesn't that sound exciting?

No.

So you're not saying that I'm
not allowed not to go, right?

What'd you just say?

I don't know. I just wanted
to get you off that "no" thing.

Ah, Danny, come on.
At least think about it.

I mean, this is D.J.'s chance
to learn about a new culture.

Yeah, come on, Danny.

Remember that one summer
when we took that trip together?

Joey, we rode our
bikes to Oakland.

Dad, when D.J.'s in
Spain, can I have her room?

Oh that's very caring.

Deej, this is a big decision.

I need some time
to think about it.

Dad, please. This is a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Don't worry, Mr. T.,

I'll be with her every minute,

as we sample the art,
the music, the tango.

[TANGO MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, Mr. T., we
want to see the world.

All right, Kimmy. Let's
start with the back door.

Adios.

Olé.

Look, why don't we
just sit down for dinner.

I'm serving paella.

Muy bueno. BECKY:
Ooh. Muy bueno.

Who's ready for dessert?

Michelle's trying to earn

her first Honeybee
badge for cooking.

You gotta taste it.

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt
to have dessert as an appetizer.

I call it Michelle's
pudding surprise.

Ooh, sounds delicious.

What's the surprise?

I think it's cheese.

Surprise!

Michelle, you put
cheese in the pudding?

Velveeta. And that's not all.

Mm. Olives.

Don't you like it?

No, it's... It's very
different, honey.

Boy, it's good. Mm-mm. Mm-hm.

Then how come
nobody's swallowing?

Hey, everybody.

DANNY AND JOEY: Hey. Hi, honey.

Oh. Fiesta. Cool.

How'd it go at the
record company?

So far, so good. At
least they heard of me.

They're gonna listen to
my tape and get back to me.

Let me tell you guys something.

I have a feeling something
good's gonna happen.

Eww.

But that's not it.

That was awful.

Michelle cooked it.

I was trying to get
my Honeybee badge.

Oh, I didn't say awful.

No, no, no. I said awfully good.

Boy, that's awf...
You know what...

In fact, I'm gonna
have some more.

Here we go. See that.

Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm.

Velveeta?

And, uh... olives, is it?

You could stop eating.
I know you don't like it.

You know, Michelle,
you know what.

We'll give it to, uh...

We'll give it to Comet. Hey.

Comet will like it.
He likes anything.

Here you go, Comet.

I guess it needed more olives.

Are you laughing?
Are you laughing?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] [LAUGHS]

Look at that. What's
that? Can you...?

Feel that. See
that bunny's tail?

See that? What's up?

Oh, can you feel that?

It's soft, huh?

It's soft like your
big jelly belly.

Give me that thing.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

[BECKY LAUGHING]

Ah, ah. The hair, the
hair. Let go of the hair.

I know you're jealous.

Hey. Give me that.

Gimme, gimme, gimme that.

Becky, what color is that hair?

It's, uh... [COUGHS] gray.

What?

Well, it's, uh, a
light shade of black,

resembling the color gray.

I have gray hair?

Well, just a couple of them.

What? A cou...
Coup... Here. Here.

Here you go. Stay right there.

How can I have gray
hair? I'm only twenty-nine.

I can't have gray
ha... Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Yank 'em. Yank 'em.

Yank 'em. Well, okay.

They say for every
gray hair you pluck,

two grow in its place.

Drop that hair.

Jess, would you relax?

So you have a
couple of gray hairs.

At least you still
have your hair.

Yeah, but for how
long? I feel it receding.

I'm... You know what?
I'm feeling it in my sleep.

I know how to check for this.

I know how to check.

Oh, my God. It's moved
4 millimeters north.

[SIGHS]

Beck, I'm gonna have
one of those foreheads

that start at my eyebrows

and go all the way to
the back of my neck.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Ah, see. Word's out.

It's probably the
Hair Club for Men.

Talk to me.

Oh. Sure I'll hold.

It's David Janolari
from Fat Fish Music.

Yes, Mr. Janolari. Hello.

Oh... Uh-huh.

Oh.

Well...

thanks for crushing
my dreams so fast.

All right. That's okay.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

He said they like
my music... [SIGHS]

they like the sound,
they like the look.

They just don't
hear a hit single.

Jess, look, I know
it's disappointing.

But you can't let
it get you down.

You know what, I have an idea.

How about tomorrow you and me

and the boys spend
the day together?

Come down to the studio, okay?

The Beach Boys are
gonna be on the show.

Come on, they're your friends.

Like, I wanna be around them.

They had hit records
when they were 18.

I'm almost thirty,
I got nothing.

Jess, life is not a contest.

Honey, things happen
when they're supposed to.

No.

Time's running
out. So is my hair.

This is so frustrating.

I mean...

what happens if I never
make it in the music business?

[♪♪♪]

Dad, come on.

The suspense is k*lling me.

Can I go to Spain
with Kimmy or not?

I know when you're
trying to make a decision

that could change the
entire course of my life,

the last thing you
want to be is pushed.

So... you won't catch me
pushing you. No sirree.

No pushing here.

Deej.

I know. I'm pushing.

I'm backing off.

Sweetheart, I
told you. I've just...

I gotta think about
this a little more, okay?

Oh. Deej. Have you
seen your Uncle Jesse?

He's upstairs. Oh, great.

Jess! Come on down!

JESSE: I'm kind of busy.

Jess, this is really important.
Come on down now.

Deej. Uncle Jesse is gonna flip.

Mike and Bruce from
the Beach Boys are here.

[BOTH SCREAM]

I promised them some good
old-fashioned home cooking.

Quick, call Chicken on Wheels.

Come on in, you guys.

Oh, hi.

Hey, when do we eat?

Thirty minutes or less.

Ha! She's a kidder. [LAUGHING]

Jess!

What, Becky?

What's so important?

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!
The Beach Boys.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! Miss Clairol.

Hey, Doctor Love, how
you doing? How ya doing?

Bruce. How ya doing?

It's the Beach Boys.

And I... And I got my...
Thanks for the warning.

Well, how did I know
you'd be dying your hair?

Why are you dying your hair?

Because I'm worth it.

Well, honey, Mike and Bruce
came over because they heard

you had a new studio,
and they'd like to jam. Cool.

And eat Becky's home cooking.

[CHUCKLES] Becky can cook?

I mean, huh... Boy. Hey,
when she cooks, look out.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

That's cool. You want
to play? That's great.

I'll call the guys. They'll
be over in 10 minutes.

It'll be good too,
'cause it'll give me time

to comb out and rinse.

Otherwise, I'll streak.

♪ If every word I said,
Could make you laugh ♪

♪ I'd talk forever ♪

♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Mmm-mm-hm ♪

♪ I asked the sky
Just what we had ♪

♪ Ooh, it shone forever ♪

♪ Oh-ho ♪

[IN UNISON]: ♪ Forever Forever ♪

♪ I've been so
happy Loving you ♪

Ha-ha!

Woo!

[IN SURFER VOICE] You
guys, that was totally excellent.

[IN SURFER VOICE] Totally.

Let's eat. [LAUGHS]

That is such a cool song.

I sang that song to
Becky at our wedding.

I'll tell you, you know,

if I had a song like "Forever",

I'll bet you Fat Fish
Records would sign us...

[SNAPS] like that.

You want it. You got it.

Leon, please pass the coleslaw.

You mean it? Uh... We
can record "Forever"?

Sure. As long as Becky
keeps cooking up food like this.

Oh. Well, I'll give you the
phone number. I mean, recipe.

MIKE: Oh.

Well, I mean,
this is cool. That...

That would be great
if we did that. Yeah.

I mean... Normally we
record stuff that we write.

But, quite frankly,
who's buying it?

I mean, you know what,

Elvis never recorded
anything he wrote.

I wonder what it
would've been like

if Elvis had-a done
a Beach Boys song.

[IMPERSONATING ELVIS] ♪ If
everybody had an ocean, Across the U.S.A. ♪

That's scary.

[LAUGHING]


How about it like this though.

♪ If everybody Had an ocean ♪

[GUITARS AND DRUMS
PLAYING] ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Across the U.S.A. ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Then everybody'd be surfing ♪

♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Like Californ-i-a ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ You see 'em
wearing Their baggies ♪

♪ Huarachi sandals too ♪

♪ Ooh ♪
MAN: Hang ten!

♪ A bushy Bushy blond
hairdo ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Surfin' U.S.A. ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

Hey, munchkin. Give
me a good-luck kiss.

I've got this great
version of "Forever"

that I cut with the Beach Boys.

I'm taking it down
to Fat Fish Records.

I'm telling you something,
they gonna love this baby.

Will you taste my new recipe?

Oh. That sounds tempting.

All right, you know what,

I'll take just a really
tiny, little sample.

Just give me a little tiny
sample, okay? Here we go.

Mm. Hm-hm.

Interesting.

What is it?

Tuna cream.

So, that would be tuna and...?

Oreo ice cream.

Ah-ah-ah. Ah.

I'll never get my cooking badge.

Oh. Now, come on.

I don't want to hear
that kind of talk.

I mean, well, tuna cream

may not be one
of the 31 flavors...

but you gotta have perseverance.

Perse... What?

Perseverance.

It means, you know, you never
give up. You keep on trying.

I mean, look at your Uncle J.
Now, I've been plugging away

at this music
business for ten years.

I've been writing
songs, taking goofy gigs.

You know why?

Because I will do anything
to keep my dream alive.

♪ We're caught in a... ♪

♪ I can't walk out ♪

♪ Because I love
you Too much baby ♪

♪ I said buy me those
Kitty Krispies, man ♪

♪ And I'll be Your best friend ♪

♪ Meow-wow, meow-wow
Meow-wow, meow-wow ♪

♪ Oh, hey there, Mr. Egghead
You scientific dude ♪

♪ Whenever you're around ♪

♪ I'm in a scientific mood ♪

♪ You can tell us
How the bird flies ♪

♪ Or how the fungus grows ♪

♪ The creation Of the universe ♪

♪ Or how we blow our nose ♪

[IMPERSONATING ELVIS] ♪ The
farmer in the dell The farmer in the dell ♪

♪ Viva Las Dairy-o
The farmer in the dell ♪

♪ The cheese stands alone
The cheese stands alone ♪

♪ Hunka hunka stinky cheese
The cheese stands alone ♪

♪ When you're laughing ♪
♪ Scooby-dooby-doo ♪

♪ Oh, when you're chuckling ♪
♪ Scooby-doo-doo ♪

♪ Ah, the sun it is a
come A-shinin' through ♪

One, two, three! Ah!

[LAUGHING]

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Glow, little glowworm
Glimmer, glimmer ♪

♪ Glow, little glowworm
Glimmer, glimmer ♪

♪ I've got a gal
That I love so ♪

♪ Glow, little glowworm ♪

♪ Glow ♪

See what I mean, Michelle?

You were desperate.

I'm hip. I never gave up.

You know why? Because I got...

what? Perseverance.

Right on, munchkin. Ha-ha.

All right, let me give
you a little tip now.

All right, you like
pudding, you like cheese,

so you put 'em together.

You like ice cream,
you like tuna,

again, you put 'em together.

Stop putting things together.

You gotta lose the combo deal.

Just try one thing.
Try something simple.

Thanks, Uncle Jesse. I love you.

I know.

I love you too.

I know. [LAUGHS]

What was I thinking?

It needs olives.

Dad, would you please
tell me if I can go to Spain.

Okay, look. I've been
thinking about Spain.

You gotta understand,
this is a big decision.

It's a decision that I've
been wrestling with all day.

And if you know
anything about wrestling,

which I do, because I was dorm
champ in the 145-pound class...

You know, I was really
wiry back then too.

They used to call me
the human pipe cleaner.

Forget it, Deej.
You're not going.

Not necessarily.

Sometimes when he
rambles it's good news.

How would you know?

He never gets to the news.

Kimmy, don't be rude.
He might change his mind.

We don't know
what he's gonna say.

Maybe we want him
to change his mind.

Maybe he hasn't
made up his mind.

Maybe you want
me to lose my mind.

Dad, I can't take it anymore.

Just tell me either way.

Okay.

You promise you'll
write me every day?

Of course. I'll bring
stationary, a penc...

I'm going?! You're
letting me go?

Thank you! [CHUCKLES]

Good decision, Mr. T.

She already told the school yes.

Well, I said, "Yes,
unless my Dad says no".

Okay, follow me.

OJs on a stick.

Get 'em while they're cold.

Ooh, thank you,
sweetie. All right.

Oh, look at that. Okay, boys.

Are you ready to taste
your first popsicle?

[GASPS]

Ooh. That's good,
huh? Happy tongue.

[FRENCH ACCENT]
Fruity, sophisticated,

yet mischievous.

Heh-heh.

And best of all, it
comes on a stick.

You mean it?
You really like 'em?

[IN UNISON] Yeah. [ALL TALKING]

Well, guess what? The
incredibly talented chef

who made OJs on a stick,

is our very own Michelle
Elizabeth Tanner!

I did it! I can cook!

Congratulations, honey.

You're gonna get your
first Honeybee badge.

Thank you.

I may open a restaurant.

Hey, everybody. This is, uh,

David Janolari
from Fat Fish Music.

How ya doing? Hi.

Hey, a real family.
Cool. [LAUGHS]

This guy has the best
ear in the music business.

That's strange.
Yesterday you said

he wouldn't know good
music if it bit him on the...

Whoa. Heh-heh. [LAUGHS]

Kids. Don't you love 'em? Huh.

Listen, you aren't
gonna believe this.

That's why I brought
David. If he says it,

you have to believe
it. Tell 'em. Well,

I heard the kid's
tape of "Forever"

and it blew me away.

I'm not even here.

I had no choice.
I had to sign him.

BECKY: Honey, you signed.

Congratulations!
Congratulations.

I'm finally gonna
have a record out.

Ten years of struggling
has finally paid off.

'Cause you got perseverance.

Cool kid.

Hey Jess, cat. Let's rap.

When you think
of major superstars

like Michael Jackson or Hammer,

what do you see?

Funny pants?

No, no, no, no.

You see dancing.

I do?

Of course you do.

That is why we are gonna take
that sweet little song of yours,

re-record it, turn up the
energy, pump up the b*at,

and make the hottest
dance video ever to hit MTV.

Uh, Dave... Cat.

Heh. Uh, there's just
one small problem. Um...

I don't dance.

Ah, come on, a guy with
your looks and talent?

Can't dance? I don't believe it.

Believe it.

[ALL CHATTERING]
Our dog Comet's better.

Anyway, don't worry about it.

'Cause when we
get through with you,

everyone in this
country will be dancing...

[SNAPS] "the Jessman."

Jessman?

[♪♪♪]

♪ Aah-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
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