04x02 - That Old Black Magic

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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04x02 - That Old Black Magic

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Pa, do I have to pen 'em up?

Only the night prowlers, Elly,

like this young fella, and
your raccoon and bobcat.

Come daybreak, you
can let 'em all out again.

Oh, Pa, please.

Elly, you got to remember

that our neighbors
is city folks.

It scares Miss Drysdale to
wake up in the middle of the night

and see a strange-lookin'
varmint peerin' at her.

Well, if he scares her, she
hadn't ought to marry him.

Granny, this ain't
no jokin' matter.

I am determined that
we is gonna be friends

with Miss Drysdale,
especially you.

Milburn!

Milburn!

Oh, shut up.

Shut up. Shut up.

Did I hear your sweet
voice, Margaret?

Yes, you did.

The Clampetts are
building some sort of a cage,

doubtless for more of
those revolting animals.

Peasants.

Peasants, peasants.

And speaking of
revolting animals,

how long must I tolerate
that feathered imitator?

Until Elly May's birthday.

She's going to be a
present from you and me.

- How ghastly.
- How ghastly.

You know, I should
name this bird Margaret.

She's picked up your
entire vocabulary.

Shut up.

She's even picked
up your personality.

That's right, be insulting.

You're a typical
Sagittarius husband

with Capricorn tendencies.

Now, let's see.

Today... Today, uh... Ah.

"Follow the advice
of a tall man."

His advice should be to
forget about that silly astrology.

Oh, dear.

"Today, make a special attempt

to be friendly to
your neighbor."

Really?

Like I was saying, that
astrology is great stuff.

Surely it must mean the Bensons.

They're in Europe.

I could phone them.

Don't fool around with
the stars, Margaret.

Now, you get over there

and start being friendly
to the Clampetts.

Oh, why did I have
to be a Scorpio?

Why couldn't I
have been a Libra?

Or a Pisces?

Or even a Sagittarius?

Sagittarius.

Granny, how is it?

I've slept in worse myself.

But I still say it's
a heap of trouble

just to keep that
old grouch next door

from complainin'.

Well, Granny, if pennin' up

a few varmints at night
will make her happy...

Yoo-hoo, Clampetts!

I got a better idea.

Let's pen her up
and make me happy.

Granny, don't pick no fights.

I don't pick no fights.

She's the one who starts 'em.

Good morning, everyone.

Mornin', Miss Drysdale.

Careful, Jed. She's
up to somethin'.

Granny, how would like
me to plot your horoscope?

You do, and I'll
plot yours right back!

Granny.

Well, she threatened me.

Granny, I only want
to introduce you

to the mystic
powers of astrology.

Mystic powers of what?

Astrology.

Oh, don't be frightened.

Just tell me when you were born.

She was born about the middle
of November, Miss Drysdale.

Oh, you're Scorpio the scorpion.

We share the same
sign of the zodiac.

Here, let me put it on you.

She's trying to hex me.

When is your
birthday, Mr. Clampett?

Don't tell her, Jed.

Well, it's around
the first of December,

but what is all this?

Sagittarius.

Blinkelkemp.

Perfadoo.

Now, get!

But, Granny...

And quit messin' around
with that black magic.

You're foolin' with powers that
you don't know nothin' about.

Black magic?

I'm warnin' you, burn that
book before it's too late.

But really... Now, get.

Hey, maybe we ought to
have found out a little more

about that zodiac
and Sagittarius.

Don't say them words, Jed.

There's no tellin' what
evil they can bring on.

That woman is
playin' with dynamite.

Spell-makin'
ain't for beginners.

Ah. Well, maybe we
should've tried to stop her

instead of chasin' her away.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I-I'll go, Jed.

At least I got a few
protection spells

I can use.

Milburn, how can I be friendly
with the Clampetts when they...

- Milburn!
- Milburn!

I've had quite
all of you that I...

Oh.

- Hello?
- Hello.

Oh, shut up!

Oh, no, no, not-not you.

I'm sorry.

- This is Margaret Drysdale.
- This is Margaret Drysdale.

Hold on, I'll pick up
another extension.

Shoo!

My horoscope said nothing
about being friendly to birds.

Miss Drysdale, where are you?

I didn't mean to yell at you,

but you're foolin' with
awful powerful medicine.

I been at it 50 years,

and there's still
things I don't know.

Miss Drysdale?

Hello.

Who said that?

Hello. This is
Margaret Drysdale.

Miss Drysdale!

I told you not to fool
with that black magic.

This is the one that's
gonna do it, Miss Drysdale.

Now, like I told you,

don't you worry about the cage.

I made it loose, so
when you change back,

you can bust right out of it.

Milburn!

Oh, Miss Drysdale,

I keep tellin' you,
he can't help you.

You got to put
your faith in science.

Now, get a good
grip on your perch,

hold still and think human.

Rattlesnake rattles, tansy root,

armadillo ears, eye of a newt,

all my spell-breakin'
things I done mixed in,

put Miss Drysdale
back in her skin.

Hello.

I'm sorry, Miss Drysdale.

I've tried everything
I know how.

cr*cker? cr*cker?

How can you think of crackers

at a time like
this, you old coot?

Sagittarius.

Oh! Don't say that word!

I'll get you a cr*cker.

Miss Drysdale, I
won't say nothin'

to nobody about your condition.

Not to Jed, not to nobody.

Just, please, don't keep
saying them magic words.

Well, Granny, the...

I declare, if Elly don't
stop bringin' home critters...

Don't lay a finger on her.

But you don't like
critters in your kitchen.

I like this one.

What's all this stuff?

Uh, uh, I-I'm cookin'.

I thought we were
gonna have stew today.

We are.

Them's the fixin's.

Lizard tails?

Armadillo ears?

It's a new recipe.

I kind of liked the old one.

Run along, Jed.

I'm awful busy.

You feelin' all right, Granny?

Course I am.

Anything I can get you?

No, no.

cr*cker?

cr*cker.

All right, I'll get
you a cr*cker.

They's right there.

cr*cker?

Another?

cr*cker?

Granny, have you been at
your rheumatiz medicine?

No, I ain't.

Now, get out of my kitchen.

Too many cooks spoils the stew.

Armadillo ears?

Now, see here, Miss Drysdale,

I can't keep your
condition a secret

if you're goin'
sh**t' off your beak.

- cr*cker?
- You ain't ate the ones I give you.

See?

Look at the bottom of your cage.

I-I mean, your room.

Hey, Granny.

Uncle Jed said you're
makin' some special stew.

You gonna put that crow in it?

No.

Don't say that.

Don't even think it.

Okay.

What's all this stuff?

Never mind.

It's stuff like armadillo ears

and lizard tails, bat
wings and dried newts.

Hot dog.

How soon do we eat?

Out of here.

Go on, now, get.

Well, Granny, that is

the saddest-lookin'
crow I ever did see.

Little and scrawny
and... Jethro!

Mind your tongue.

What you mean, Granny?

Never mind. Don't ask me.

Just be nice to that bird.

Okay.

Howdy, ma'am.

You are the prettiest
little bird I ever did see.

Hello.

Who said that?

I didn't hear nothin'.

Hello.

Granny, that bird talked.

Jethro, don't.

There's somethin' funny
about that bird, Granny.

- I'm gonna take it out and...
- Jethro, don't touch it!

It's Miss Drysdale.

Miss who?

That bird is Miss Drysdale.

She put a hex on herself.

Oh, Granny, you're greenin' me.

That bird don't look
like Miss Drysdale.

Leastways, not much.

Be careful what you say.

One wrong word,

and she'll turn
us all into crows.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

She's sick 'cause I throwed
so many spells on her.

Maybe you ought to
take her to a doctor.

What do you think I am?

Oh, Granny, I
mean a city doctor.

City doctor?

I never seen one of them

that could cure
a regular person,

let alone one that
looked like a crow.

You can't take that
bird to no regular doctor.

Got to take her
to a critter doctor.

A critter doctor?

Yeah, I can look one
up in the phone book.

Well, all right.

But whatever you
do, don't let her know.

Animal hospital.

Hello? Listen, I
want to ask you,

can you help Miss Drysdale?

She's sick.

Uh, Mrs. Drysdale?

Well, what exactly
is Mrs. Drysdale?

Well... you mean
now or... or usually?

Oh.

Well, right now she's a crow.

I see. You have a sick crow.

Well, I'm sure we'll
be able to help her.

Uh, what are the symptoms?

Yes, uh, how does she
look and how does she act?

Well, she looks awful
and she acts worse.

Her legs and her
feet are yellow.

So's her eyes.

She won't eat nothin',
and her beak is red.

Would you say her
condition has changed much

in the last 24 hours?

Oh, honey... you
wouldn't believe how much.

I think perhaps I'd better
have Dr. Abbott call you back.

Uh, what is your number there?

Mm-hmm.

No, I can't help you, and
Dr. Abbott is in consultation.

That's city doctors for you.

One can't help you, and
the other's out of town.

Bye.

Want me to look up another one?

No. We ain't got time for that.

Just take me to one of
them big medical buildings.

Yes, ma'am. I'll
go fetch the truck.

I'll get Miss Drysdale.

Margaret! The
mynah bird is gone!

Oh?

What do you mean, "Oh"?

I was very attached
to that little thing.

She cost me 250 bucks!

A-And the cage was extra.

Money, money, money.

You're certainly on
the cusp of Capricorn.

Oh, never mind
that gobbledygook.

Just help me look.

Uh, call the Bureau of
Missing Birds or something.

I have my own problems.

I've checked and rechecked,

and the stars demand that I
make friends with the Clampetts.

And I still haven't found the
"tall man" in my horoscope.

I'll make you a deal...
You find my bird

and I'll find you a tall man.

Oh, Milburn, forget
about that stupid bird.

Stupid bird?!

Why, that sweet little thing
had a vocabulary of 25 words!

Comes to ten bucks a word.

Where are you, you little fink?

You might know some of
these doctors, Miss Drysdale.

Speak up if you're
partial to one of 'em.

I never knew there
were so many doctors.

Doctor, doctor.

Yes, I'm gonna get you to one.

- Just take your pick.
- Uh, can I help you, madam?

Well, maybe so.

I'm looking for a
real good doctor

for my neighbor lady here.

Neighbor lady?

I wouldn't want
this to get around,

but you know
Mr. Drysdale, the banker,

- don't you?
- Yes, I've heard of him.

That's his wife.

I think I know just
the doctor for you.

Not me. Her.

Yes, of course.

Uh, Dr. Reimer in 106.

He's a critter doctor, is he?

You just take my word
for it... He can help you.

- Her. Uh...
- Thank you.

Did you hear that,
Miss Drysdale?

Boy, is she ready.

I can't find hide nor hair of
Granny nor Jethro, neither.

She sure must've
been in a hurry.

Ain't like Granny to leave
her kitchen in such a mess.

That's a fact. Well, come
on, I'll give you a hand.

I... Hello, neighbors.
May I come in?

Well, we's kind of ashamed
of the way things look in here.

Well, I'll have things
cleaned up in a jiffy.

- Y'all go on in the parlor.
- No, no, no.


You go in the
parlor. I'll clean up.

Well, Miss Drysdale,
we can't let you do that.

You'll ruin your pretty clothes.

I insist.

I'm your friend,
your good neighbor.

But, ma'am, I think
it's only fair to tell you

it was Granny that
made this mess.

And after the way she
mean-mouthed you...

Tut, tut, tut.

Cleaning up Granny's
mess will be my pleasure.

Should we go in the
parlor like she says, Pa?

I think we'd best stay out here,
Elly, and keep an eye on her.

That woman ain't well.

♪♪

Crow named Mrs. Drysdale?

Leave it to these
Beverly Hills people

to come up with
the strange pets.

One moment, please.

Thank you.

Hello? Dr. Abbott speaking.

I'm calling about Mrs. Drysdale.

Pa.

It's Miss Drysdale's doctor.

Uh-oh. I was afraid of that.

Jed Clampett speaking.

Yes, Mr. Clampett.

I'm, uh, looking at these
notes on Mrs. Drysdale.

I'd say we have a pretty
sick bird on our hands.

Now, tell me, are the
symptoms still the same?

Well, for example, I mean,
are her feet still yellow?

Well, I can't tell.
She's got her shoes on.

Did you say shoes?

Well, now, you've got to
get those off right away.

I'm sure they look cute,

but they can shut off
the circulation to the feet.

Yeah, they do appear to be
a couple of sizes too small.

Mr. Clampett, I'm
afraid you don't realize

the seriousness
of these symptoms.

This could be a fatal illness.

Now, listen carefully.

Well, yes, sir, I will.

Now, first, is she in a cage?

Well, no, sir, she's just
hopping around the kitchen here.

Oh, that's very bad.
You've got to get her

in some kind of a
cage immediately.

Doctor, she ain't
gonna like that.

Well, yes, sir, of course
I want to save her life.

Give her what?

Sunflower seeds
soaked in castor oil.

Oh, and you might try to
get her to flap around a little

to increase the circulation.

Yes, I'll check
back with you later.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

I'll... do my best.

Miss Drysdale's
sicker than we thought.

You go fetch some
sunflower seeds

and soak 'em in castor oil.

- I got to put her in a cage.
- What?

Thank goodness we got one.

Scoot.

Miss Drysdale...

what I'm gonna tell you might
sound like strange advice,

but it's for your own good.

You have advice...

Mr. Clampett, how tall are you?

Oh, six foot, four or five. Why?

Advice from a tall man!

This is it! Just like my
horoscope predicted!

Now, now, be calm.

You ain't gonna like what
I'm gonna tell you to do.

Tell me, tell me! I'll
do anything you say!

Well... first off, get
out of them shoes.

Now, to sum up your
relationship with Mrs. Drysdale,

would you say that you
like her as a person?

Oh, yes, of course.

She's a wonderful woman.

I like her fine.

Oh, no, you don't.

You hate Mrs. Drysdale.

- Don't say that!
- You hate her,

and you're taking out
your hostilities on that bird.

It ain't so! Don't believe him.

Do you want to get this
building turned into a pumpkin?

And us into toads?

Now... now, now, lie down.

I still have some
questions to ask you.

Nothing doing.

When are you gonna examine her?

That won't do any good.

Ain't you gonna
give me no medicine?

I'll be very frank with you.

I don't know of any medicine

that can cure a hostility
neurosis like this.

Only understanding
and love and affection.

And it's up to you to
find them; I can't do it.

Well, I got to admire you.

You're the first city
doctor I ever seen

that admits he
don't know nothin'.

Seek that love and affection.

It's the only medicine
that can help.

All right, all right.

Guess I better take you home
to your husband, Miss Drysdale.

"Follow the advice
of a tall man."

How you feeling, Miss Drysdale?

Oh, well, under
the circumstances,

I'd say quite well.

I got something for you.

Want me to feed
you through the wire?

- Feed me?!
- Yes, ma'am.

Pa says it's something
you got to have.

Oh. Well...

if it's your father's
advice, feed away!

Now, don't you
worry, Miss Drysdale.

I know your husband will
be understanding of this.

Course, it could
be a little jolt to him.

Oh!

Well, hello, Granny.

Mr. Drysdale, I've
got bad news for you.

Oh? What about?

Well, I don't hardly
know how to tell you,

but your wife has
been messin' around

with some magic
stuff called astrology.

You're telling me.

It's turned her into
a real birdbrain.

Then you know?

Boy, do I know.

He knows.

There you are, you
little feathered fink.

Now... none of that.

She's got to have
love and affection.

Well, then you take
her home with you,

because she won't
get any around here.

Mr. Drysdale.

Well, I was going to give her
to Elly as a present anyway.

You can't do that...
You got to keep her

and take care of her.

No, thanks. She's been
too much trouble already.

Milburn!

Did you hear that?

And that's another
thing... She talks too much.

Give her to Elly.

Now, hold on, you
good-time Charlie!

Remember your sacred oath:

"In sickness or in health,
for better or for worse."

What?

Tell her you love her.

Love her?

Tell her, or I'll tell Jed

to take his money
out of your bank.

I love you! I love you.

I love you. I love you.

Now... you see
how forgiving she is?

Well, I'll leave you
two lovebirds alone.

Why are you crying, Granny?

It always warms my heart

to see a family
back together again.

That's it, Miss Drysdale,
get your circulation going.

Oh, please, can't I stop now?

I'm just exhausted.

Well, let me see your feet.

Yeah, they's nice and pink now.

Oh!

Oh, wait, Miss Drysdale.

You forgot your astrology book.

Oh, thank you, Elly.

And in case I don't
see you before Friday,

happy birthday, Libra.

Well, my birthday's tomorrow.

I thought it was the seventh.

Yes, ma'am, that's
tomorrow; today's the sixth.

- Today's the sixth?!
- That's right.

Oh, good heavens.

The sixth... th-the sixth.

Uh... "Today is
unlucky. Stay at home.

Beware of your enemies."

Oh...

Miss Drysdale!

It-it's you!

I never knowed a husband's
affection to work so fast.

Oh! It-it's a miracle.

You're your old self again.

Get your hands off
me, you unkempt,

uncouth, barbaric swine!

Granny. How can you laugh?

Didn't you hear what
she just called you?

Yeah.

Ain't it wonderful what
a little love can do?

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
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