04x08 - The Imposter

[bunniefuu]

[SERENE TONE]

So, Chantal, I did something for you.

I filed something called
an ineptitude appeal.

Now,
this is a leftover New York state loophole

from the Prohibition era

when people used to be paid

to carry boxes of alcohol

to illegal establishments

without actually knowing
what was in the boxes.

Now, technically speaking,

under this vague and
arcane criminal statute,

you could be considered a "boxhead."

For the record, I never carried anything.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I-I-I understand that.

I... what I'm telling you is,

I can get you out of prison.

Oh. Whoa.

Okay, just... hold on, Leonard.

Things are moving really fast.

Do you not want to leave prison?

Well, I mean, I just got used to it, and,

like, the food is, like, legit yummy,

and, like,
the girls here all think it's really cool

that I did those crimes.

Okay, you're really breaking me here.

I j... you know what? Just...

All you have to do is... here.

Sign this.

Okay, well, could you,
like, at least give me

five minutes to ask where they
got their mattresses from?

Just sign the paper, Chantal, okay?

[SIGHS]

I mean...

[SIGHS] I don't know, Leonard.

Like, I signed my way into this mess.

I just... I really think that
I'm gonna need to get a lawyer

to look over this before I sign it.

I am your lawyer, you idiot!

You know what? Just sign the paper.

Sign the f*cking paper!

God damn it, for the love of God,

sign the paper!

Okay.

I better not go to jail for this.

[EXHALES]

["OBEDEAR" BY PURITY RING PLAYING]

♪ Oh, but dear, the sky is low, watch ♪

♪ Fluent sea men rig... ♪

It's just so small.

Like, I don't even understand
how we all fit in here.

Like, is this, like, an optical illusion?

Is there even enough oxygen to breathe?

Yeah, I know, it's a big change, honey.

Yeah, more like a small change, Mom.

Well, we just have to make do, right?

- Robert!
- Huh?

What?

Okay, what is wrong with Dad?

The doctors don't know.

They just speculate

that it's some kind of situational dementia

brought about by disturbing circumstances.

What? Why?

Chantal, get a clue!

This is all because of you!

- What...
- Let's not shout,

because we actually do not know
what these walls can handle.

No, no, Mom.

She needs to understand.

Your legal fees

tapped us out completely,

and now we are poor,

and we all mysteriously lost
our jobs for downsizing,

but it is obvious that the real reason

is because we have a family member

that was stupid enough to associate

with that bad, old man!

We can't get hired anywhere.

They practically chased
us out of Chappaqua.

And you did that to us, Chantal.

You did that!

Okay, Catherine, when you raise your voice,

it is traumatizing.

Oh.

You know, and on top of everything else,

Ted is selling dr*gs.

I'm not selling them, Linda.

I'm microdosing,
and it's a legitimate practice.

One tab is / of a hit of LSD

and can provide me with a wealth

of incredible innovations.

Believe me when I tell you

I will invent something

that will save our family.

Ted, my family

is not your family,

and I don't feel comfortable when you say
"our family."

Chantal, is that you?

Ugh. Yes, Daddy.

I've been behind you for minutes.

Oh, God. Okay, this has got to stop.

I don't like it.
You guys are freaking me out.

I am not a poor person, okay?

I don't want to be a Witherbottom anymore.

Oh, but honey, you are a Witherbottom.

This isn't Witherbottom.

It's rock bottom.

[FAINT TV CHATTER]

I'm sorry. What are you doing?

Eating, Chantal, like a family.

Hmm.

Uh, I don't think that you are eating

because I don't see food.

Sticks and rings are not food. [SCOFFS]

I was resistant at first,

but the nuggets have
really proved themselves.

They can be a little salty,
which is why it's good

to take a little dip into
the sweet and the sour.

It's a pleasing balance.

Catherine,
your husband is very high right now.

- Can you just...
- [SNORTS]

[SIGHS] Okay, I am not eating this.

Just think of dinner time
like we're at a carnival.

I want goose!

You've never had goose.

Yeah, okay, and you have?

Okay...

[SCOFFS]

[QUAVERS]

It's crazy that I ate
better in prison than this.

So, Chantal,

everyone is trying to do their parts

to help the family out in their own way.

Catherine is selling bus
vacations over the phone.

Linda found a way to
make money off of emails.

Mm-hmm. Every CC is ¢.

Robert is...

unable to work,

and I am busy

challenging the frontiers of perception

in an attempt to save us all,

and so I think it may
be up to you, Chantal,

to begin applying for jobs.

Oh, my friend Binda could get you a job

at a money order service in Queens.

And I did overhear the neighbors yelling

about needing someone to
take care of their baby.

You could ask about that.

[SOBBING]

No!

[SIGHS]

I want a different life!

And I want all of you to be different.

I don't want to change...
I like how I am...

But I want everything else to change!

Excuse me from the "table."

[SOBS]

[SIGHS]

[WHIMPERS]

[SPACEY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Why don't I feel anything?

[SIGHS]

Dare I check the expiration dates?

[MELLOW DANCE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

We've been waiting for you, Chantal.

Take a seat.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Who are you?

[CHUCKLES] You tell us.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

Are you the most famous
dead authors in the world?

- [LAUGHS]
- ALL: We are.

We are.

Should we go around the table

and introduce ourselves?

Let's let Chantal do it.

Oh, that's a good idea.

F. Scott Fitzgerald. [LAUGHS]

William Shakespeare.

Mr. James Baldwin.

Mark Twain! Hi.

Oh, Virginia Woolf.

Mm, Sylvia Plath.

Maya Angelou.

You're, like, my biggest inspiration.

Same.

[LAUGHS]

And wait.

Are you R. L. Stine?

That's right.

I thought you were alive.

Now there's something we
need you to do for us,

Chantal.

What is it?

You need to write a book.

You need to tell the world
about your mean family,

about your jerk sister.

She can't act like that and expect you

not to write a book about her.

But I don't know how to
write a book like that.

I only know how to write poems really well.

Oh, well, we know that.
We love your poetry.

It's all we read now.

I've b*rned everything
that isn't your poetry,

even the things I need.

[LAUGHS]

That's why we're here. We can help you.

Let us speak through you, Chantal.

You're the vessel.

I am?

Do the world a beautiful favor

and express what is inside of you.

Drink from this goblet of wine,

and may the passage of wisdom

be complete.

♪ ♪

[LAUGHTER]

♪ ♪

[SPUTTERS]

[DRIVING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, uh, Chantal?

Can I talk to you for a second?

[SIGHS] Can it wait?

I'm kind of on a roll.

No, it can't wait, okay?

Look, uh,

I have a lot of unexpressed anger

toward you about how you handled

my miscarriage.

You didn't even acknowledge it

or ask how I was,

and it's just... It's hard for me to...

Shh!

♪ ♪

Wow. Okay.

[SNIFFLING]

♪ ♪

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Chantal, you didn't hear what I was doing

in the other room, did you?

No, Ted, I'm trying to focus.

Now I'm embarrassed.

Part of me wants to tell
you what I was doing.

♪ ♪

I'm done.

I did it! Ha!

No, no.

We did it.

Thank you, friends.

What?

[QUIETLY] f*ck you.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

♪ ♪

Well, what can I say? I read it.

We all read it.

I think everyone in the building read it.

Oh, that's great. [LAUGHS]

Yeah, it's fascinating, to say the least.

Parts of it are extremely problematic.

- Mm.
- It's a very difficult read.

Yes.

I... I wanted to challenge the reader.

Good books do that.

No, I mean literally difficult.

It took me eight minutes

just to figure out how to open the lock.

Right.

It's supposed to look and feel

like a diary.

[CHUCKLES]

But I feel like if you didn't get that,

then you didn't even really understand

the book that you were reading.

Yeah, well, you know, it's unappealing.

Right? I mean, look how ugly this is.

[LAUGHS]

And very costly, I would imagine.

I think you'd have to charge
the consumer at least $

just to make a profit
because of these materials.

This is real leather.

It's ugly leather,
but it is real, and it's heavy.

I mean, whoo!

You know,
you can't just carry this in your bag

or throw it in your coat pocket.

And also, the title,
right? "Imperfect Ten."

I don't understand.
What does that mean to you?

Well, it means that my whole life

has been a series of realizations

that even though the common person

might think that I am a perfect ten,

I am indeed flawed.

I may still be a ten,

but I am not perfect.

And you're just going by Chantal?

You're a one-name person?

Well, if that also
wasn't clear in the book,

I hate my family, so there's, like,

no reason for me to keep
my last name anymore.

Okay, um,

I don't think that you should be a writer.

In fact, I ask you to never write again.

This book is deranged,

and not in a way that I can work with it.

If I were to publish this,

people would freak out.

It would make the world a worse place.

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

But I'm the one.

♪ ♪

[PANTING]

You're so stupid, Chantal!

None of your dreams are
ever gonna come true.

You're just a stupid loser idiot!

[SPACEY MUSIC]

[CRIES]

♪ ♪

Get back here! [YELPS]

- [WOMAN SHOUTS]
- My God!

Is that a book?

Charlie? Help!

My friend was hit by a book!

Where did that come from?

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Charlie. Oh, f*ck.

Call Lorraine.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

She was hit by a book!

♪ ♪

"Imperfect Ten" by Chantal.

I wonder what that means.

Hmm.

[DRIVEN CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[LAUGHS]

Oh.

♪ ♪

Listen up, everybody.

I found a book on the street,

and it's brilliant.

It makes me wonder if I should've been

scouring the streets all these years,

looking down instead of looking up.

Let everyone else look up!

Now, here's the kicker about this book.

It's written by a ten-year-old little girl.

- Wow.
- It's a work of art...

Somewhere between self-help and a manifesto

on how to live without
shame and without awareness.

There's a passage in the chapter
"Picky Eater"

that will break your heart.

Whoever this little Chantal is,

she's a genius.

Yeah.

[SPACEY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Are you k...

A child?

Wait.

Why does it say I'm a child?

I'm Wilma. It's nice to meet you both.

I'm Helen, and this is
my daughter, Chantal.

I'm Chantal.

Well, I really hope that's true,

but there's a long line
of little girls out there,

all claiming that they wrote this book.

So, Chantal,

if that is in fact your name,
if you wrote this book,

you would recognize
your own words, correct?

Good.

So I'm gonna go ahead
and quote from the book,

and I want you to finish the quote for me,

and this way,
I will know if you are indeed the author.

Kay?

"Life is a roller coaster.

"Time is the tracks,

"and wisdom is the..." what?

Don't look at me.

You wrote it, Chantal.

Wisdom is the...

Is the screams?

[SIGHS] Shame on you both.

You are such a disappointment.

It's no wonder that your father left.

Excuse you!

- What?
- We found her.

Are you sure? How can you be sure?

Chantal, can you repeat

what you just said to me for Wilma?

The wisdom is the park map.

That's right.

That's right. The wisdom is the park map.

Give me that phone.

Chantal, I am so, so happy

to have found you.

Oh, my God, and I am so,
so happy to have been found!

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, Chantal.

I don't know if you understand

what you did,

but you have basically written the Bible!

[LAUGHS]

This thing is a manifesto

on how to be a fully realized human being

at the age of ten.

I mean, no one has ever done that before.

Thank you so much.

Um...

The only thing is that I...

I mean, I sobbed hysterically.

I cried for the little girl I was.

I cried for the girl I never got to be.

This is a masterpiece. I mean it.

I suppose it would mean
nothing if an adult wrote it,

but you wrote it,

and I need you to be on my show.

How does that sound?

I want the world to love
you as much as I do.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Okay, okay!

Yes! Yes, I will!

Yes, yes! She said yes.

Chantal!

[GIGGLING] Yes!

[MISCHIEVOUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

This is Chantal. Leave a beep. [LAUGHS]

- [ANSWERING MACHINE TONE]
- sh*t.

[SIGHS]

Where's Chantal?

I want to meet her before we go on the air.

I have been trying her all day,

and I'm... I'm gonna get her.

This is Chantal.

Leave a beep.
[LAUGHS] [ANSWERING MACHINE TONE]

Chantal, honey. I'm hoping you're close.

Please have your parents call
me back when they get this.

Wilma, I know you don't want to hear this,

but I would consider doing
an audience share circle

as a backup just in case she doesn't...

No.

I promised my audience Chantal,

and I'm going to give them Chantal.

That's my job.

Your job is to make sure she gets here.

Show starts in five.

I'm gonna go out there,

and I'm going to introduce Chantal,

and I expect for her to come on stage

the moment I call her, got it?

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

[PHONE BUZZING]

Hello?

Chantal! Are you close?

Yeah, I'm in a cab.
I'm, like, three blocks away.

Sweetie, could you please

put one of your parents on the phone?

I just want to check that
you're actually close.

Oh, wait. Look, yeah, here we are.

We're here.

We're... we're...
we're pulling up to the curb.

We're... we're getting out. Thank you.

We're just paying the driver, so...

Oh, thank God.

Okay, there's unfortunately

not enough time for you to meet Wilma

before the show, but don't worry.

We're gonna prep you about
everything you need to do

once you get here, so hurry, Chantal.

Run.

♪ ♪

[SIGHS] Okay.

♪ ♪

All right, y'all.

When that applause light comes on,

I want y'all to lose your damn minds.

You hear me? Right.

As long as that light is on, don't stop.

Keep going, keep clapping. That's right.

And you are not allowed to stop applauding

as long as that light is on.

Okay? Okay?

Okay? Okay? Yeah.

All right.

[LAUGHTER] All right, here we go.

Let's practice. Show 'em that light.

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

That's what I'm talking... yes! Yes!

Even more. Even more.

I can feel it. You got some more in you.

I want to make it sound like

the animals just broke out of the zoo!

Give it to me!

Ooh, Lord have mercy.

[WILD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

Okay.

Hello.

Um, I'm Chantal.

But... are you her mom?

No. I'm... her.

But you're old.

I'm . That's hardly old.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- I can't believe this.
- We're about to go live.

[WHISPERS] She's not a child.
She's an adult.

♪ ♪

Oh, Jesus. Oh, no.

Oh, no. We have to tell her.

We can't let this woman

go out there on live television.

Well, I can't tell her. Wilma will k*ll me.

She will actually k*ll me. You tell her.

I absolutely am not gonna tell her.

I can't lose my job, Frankie. You do it.

♪ ♪

I quit.

I quit.

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

And now I have the honor of introducing

a very special guest...

A hero, a friend,

a child.

Chantal!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Do we have her?

Oh, maybe she's shy.

You know how kids are.

Even prodigies get shy.

Let's make her feel welcome.

Chantal! Chantal!

[ALL CHANTING] Chantal! Chantal! Chantal!

[CHANTING FADES]

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

I'm sorry. What's happening?

I'm Chantal.

I don't think so. No.

Frankie?

Frankie, who is this adult woman?

I... I can explain.

I hope you can explain where Chantal is.

She's right here.

Ten years old or not, my book spoke to you.

Right?

You had an emotional experience,

and that's... that's really all
that we can ask for in life,

is an emotional experience that...
that changes us.

f*ck you.

[ALL GASP]

I'm sorry.

I have not used that word in years,

but I'm so full of rage right now!

You tricked me to receive acclaim.

I didn't mean to.

I truly was just trying to find my purpose,

like, you know,
a sense of belonging in the world,

and isn't that what we all want?

Wilma, even you?

Some sign that we're, like,
even here on this Earth

for a reason?

So maybe I'm not ten.

Maybe I haven't been ten for years,

but I know what it is to
have your heart stomped on,

and I know what it is to feel like

the whole world is against you,

because you know what, Wilma?

I am Chantal.

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Stop it. Stop clapping.

Don't clap!

Everybody, stop clapping for her.

No, let them.

They want to. They know what's good.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

She's a fraud.

Stop clapping, everybody!

I will not stand for
this kind of entitlement

on my stage.

This is preposterous.

Who do you think you are?

Honestly...

myself.

[DARK MUSIC]

Honestly, myself.

[GASPS]

Honestly, myself.

Not guilty.

Honestly...

myself.

Honestly,

myself.

[WOMAN SHOUTS]

Honestly, myself.

Honestly, myself.

[TASER ZAPPING]

Honestly, myself.

Chantal, who are you hiding from?

Honestly,

myself.

[SCREAMS]

[EERIE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[COUGHS]