08x17 - Exes and Ohhhs

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

Axl: Hey, Lexie.

Axl!

Devin?

Whoa! Hey!

Haven't seen you in like, a year.

Yeah. Where've you been, man?

I stopped by your place once,
but it was all nice,

so I knew you couldn't be
living there anymore.

-Wow, you -- you did?
-Yeah.

How come you didn't tell me you moved?

Ow! Well...

[laughs] I did.

I moved. I'm living in a Winnebago now.

Wait a minute.

The infamous 'Bago parties --
That's you?

Guilty. [Chuckles]

Why'd you never invite me?

You know I'm always good for a six-pack!

Oh, my God! This is, like, so wild.

I mean, I haven't seen you
in, like, forever.

Then you just show up out of the blue.

Axl?

Cassidy!

Axl, wow! Hi!

So good to see you!

What are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be at Vassar?

No, no. I'm out already.

I had enough credits to graduate early,

which sounds great
but actually just means

I'm unemployed six months earlier.

Yikes. And here I thought
you were smarter than me.

Oh, you're that Cassidy!
Axl's talked all about you.

He has?

[Laughs] Yeah.

Cassidy, Devin. Devin, Cassidy.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you guys...

No, no.

I mean, well, we used to be
but before I got married.

You're married!

What?

No, no. Not now.

Not married now.

I mean, it was an annulment
and, you know, it's over.

It only lasted a couple of days.

Who wants to do sh*ts.
Right? Who's got...

Axl?

Oh, God.

Wow! Hey! What are you doing here?

I thought that seniors
didn't come to this party.

Well, I am certainly
regretting it. [Chuckles]

And who's this?

This is Lexie, Sue's roommate.

You look good.

Thank you.

I mean, uh, [laughs] not just you.

You're not the only one that looks good.

You all look good! Everybody looks good!

I'm sorry.

I feel like I'm interrupting something.

No, we were just catching up.

Well, this could not get any weirder.

Hi, Axl.

A white wolf came to me
in a dream and told me

if I sacrificed my hair,
you'd come back to me.

You should probably make that
into tea and drink it.

Oh.

Mike: What the hell is that?

Do you not ever listen to me?

I told you guys --

the library's closing down
their east wing

so they can turn it
into a Tommy T's franchise.

No kidding? A Tommy T's in Orson?

Oh, I love Tommy T's.

You're missing the point. It's sad.

They're shutting down half the library

because people just read
on their phones now.

So to raise money
to save the other wing,

they're selling all the
displaced books and equipment.

That's why I got a sweet deal
on this baby.

They open up again at : a.m.
if you wanna check out the sale.

Yeah, I'm not getting up
at : to buy books,

but I would get up at :
for Tommy T's.

Okay, now I'm craving

a double-fried Big Tommy with bacon.

They guarantee a tablespoon
of mayo in every bite.

I should of stayed with the Fergusons.

[Door opens, closes]

Is that my dress?

Oh. Yeah.

Remember how you said I could
borrow anything in your closet?

Well, I have
the Chancellor's Ball to go to,

so hope you don't mind.

Please. What's the point of having

a formal-gown collection

if you can't share it with friends?

Can I just make a teeny adjustment?

Uh-huh.

Ah.

There.

Wow, I can't believe you're
going to the Chancellor's Ball.

I know.

It's like the only perk of
being a Dragonette tour guide.

Well, besides the mini-flashlights.

So, I bit the b*llet
and asked Tyler to take me.

Ooh.

Are things heating up between you two?

I don't know. I think so.

I mean, tonight he took me

to the garage where they keep the carts.

Ah.

There's all these plugs,

and you can hear everything charging.

It's more romantic than it sounds.

Wow, that's great!

I don't know.

We just started dating,
and the ball is such a big deal.

I hope it's not too soon.

No, the man showed you his cart garage.

That is true.

So, how was the party?

Oh, my God, it was so weird.

Out of the blue, Axl shows up.

Really? He's a senior.

Why would he do that?

I don't know! But get this --

All of his ex-girlfriends
were there, too.

What?

Yeah. Uh, what's her name --

Uh, Devin and Cassidy
and some wizard lady.

I felt so awkward.

Thank God he has no idea
how I feel about him.

[Laughs] Yeah. Thank God for that.

Man, you must've had
some wild night last night.

Tiny question --

What's with the bag of hair?

Ugh. Weird Ashley.

[Groans]

[Sighs] Yeah.

Weird Ashley was there,

Cassidy was there, Devin was there

Okay, Dorothy.

How much green beer did you drink?

No, seriously, man, they were all there.

It was freaky.
I had to get out of there,

so I told them all
I was getting us beers,

b*at my way out of the crowd
with this giant shamrock

and never looked back.

I mean, what are the odds

all my ex-girlfriends
would show up at the same party?

Wow! Don't you get it?

It's a sign.

The universe is clearly
trying to tell you something.

What?

I don't know. Could be about love,

could be you're supposed
to pick one of 'em.

But you'll never know,
my friend, because you bolted

before the universe
could give you the answer.

So, what do I do now?

Only one thing to do.

Toss this nasty hair bag

and seek the guidance of a higher power.

So, we're watching Matthew McConaughey

in "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past?"

Unless you got a better idea.

[Slides whirring]

Uh, what's this?

The greatest day of my life!

Can you believe it?

We are now the proud owners

of our very own microfiche machine.

And just to be clear, this is mine,

but I'm leaving it out
for all of us so we can use it.

You actually spent money for this thing?

Yep, $ .

Best birthday money I ever spent.

And to think
I was this close to blowing it

on a goat for a starving family.

[Sighs]

Thank you.

What the hell are you drinking, Heck?

It's called a White Peach Bellini.

Ooh. You drink girly drinks now?

Clearly, without my guidance
you've gone off the rails.

Oh.

Uh, so, what's going on?

I haven't seen you in a year,
then I run into you at a party,

and now you wanna get drinks?

Uh, yeah.

Well, you know,
this might sound kinda strange,

but, um,
I've got some questions about...

the universe.

Ah, universe questions. Bring it.

Okay, great.

So, when we were going out,
uh, I don't know,

it seemed like we were
pretty good together.

I mean, we both liked to hang,

and we both liked to dip
our fries in mustard,

we were both awesome at sports.

-I'm better.
-Debatable.

So, why did we break up again?

Uh, you tell me. Did we, even?

I mean, I know we talked
about seeing other people,

but I thought we we'd still
hang out and watch football,

maybe mess around a little,

but you didn't text or anything.

Kinda seemed like you
were sending me a message.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

There's no message there.
I am not that deep.

Okay, a little advice --

If you really wanted to see me,
you knew where I lived!

Well, how was I supposed to know that?

If I did, maybe it would've --

Hey, if the Seahawks had handed the ball

to Marshawn Lynch at the one-yard line,

they could've won the Super Bowl,

but, you know, whatever.

Hindsight's / , right?

Oh, right. Other arm.

Yeah.

[Television playing]

[Slides whirring]

Check out this story
from the Orson Herald from .

"Local woman finds hat in tree."

Local man on couch
wants peace and quiet.

I'm telling you, Dad,

this is a bottomless
fountain of information.

Ooh, here's one from August .

"Have you seen this dog?"

I wonder if they found it.

That dog is dead.

Everyone who cared
about that dog is dead.

The new dog they bought

to get over the pain of losing
that dog is dead.

You're a mean, mean man.

Eh.

Oh, uh, it's a blood orange martini.

I asked for a beer,
but the guy brought me this.

Well, college is a time to experiment.

So, wow.

Here we are.

Why are we here, exactly?

Yeah, I'm just trying
to figure some stuff out.

You're kind of the first girl
I ever really fell for,

and it was pretty intense.

I mean, we were, like,
pretty much opposites,

but we managed to make it work
for a while, right?

Why couldn't we make it work?

Well, for one, we were
a thousand miles apart.

Actually, we were .

I should know. I drove of them.

Wait, what? What are you talking about?

Yeah, um, actually, freshman year,

I, uh, drove up to Vassar to see you,

but I stopped halfway
and turned around and came home.

Why did you turn around?

I don't know.
I guess I just kinda freaked.

Thought you might not want to see me.

See, that's kind of the problem, Axl.

You were never clear
about what you wanted.

Well, I think driving
halfway to your dorm

without ever telling you

sent a pretty strong-ish message.

[Chuckles]

Look, that's all water under the bridge.

So, how are you doing?

I mean, you got divorced?

[Clears throat] Yeah, it's kinda weird.

But I'm still dating my ex-wife,
so that's cool.

Uh, and I made
the Dean's list this year...

of, um, people graduating.

[Knock at door]

Surprise!

Sean! Hey! What are you doing here?

Axl's not around.

I know. I actually came for you.

Really?

I seem to recall somebody

wanting to go to the Chancellor's Ball.

Wait, who told you?
How did you know about that?

You did.

Back when I was over here
helping you with your desk,

you were saying you weren't sure

if you were gonna go
'cause you didn't have a date.

And I was walking on my campus yesterday

and it was really warm and pretty out

and I remembered this word
you made up when we were young

to describe days like that
where it suddenly is warm again.

-Springalicious?
-Springalicious.

And it made me think of you
and I was like,

"Why am I thinking of Sue right now?"

And then I remembered
this was your weekend.

So, Suzy Q, on this beautiful
springalicious occasion,

may I have the honor of escorting you

to the Chancellor's Ball?

Oh, Sean.

Don't you have a cellphone?
You could call ahead first?

I actually have a date.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, I didn't -- I didn't call

because I thought the surprise
would be nice.

That was dumb.

I just figured third time
was the charm, you know.

You're gonna owe me for
tux rentals if I keep this up.

But, hey, the important thing
is that you're happy.

I just wanted to make sure
you had the chance to go.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

Do you have to go already?
Why don't you stay a while.

We could get a pizza
or hang out or something.

I promise I won't make you
put together any more furniture.

I --

No, no. I -- It's okay.

I should get back to Orson,
spend some time with my folks

before going up to school,
and, uh, yeah.

Have fun at the ball, Suzy Q.
You deserve it.

Oh, but...

Okay.

It's been great catching up, Axl.

If you're in Italy this summer,
look me up.

I will!

It's the one that's shaped
like a boot, right?

[Laughs]

I've been watching what's been going on.

I know I'm next.

Ask me whatever you want.

And I brought you a drink.

Yeah, I'm not drinking that.

I wouldn't.

Actually, no, you know what?

Now that you're here,
I-I do have a question.

Um, why do you like me?

It doesn't seem like I'd be your type.

I'll always be here,

in this lifetime
and the next, for eternity.

But I don't get it.

Why are you wasting your time on me

when there's probably some other guy --

or merman -- who'd be perfect for you?

I mean, I've been telling you
for a long time

nothing's ever gonna happen between us.

No, you haven't.

You never told me you didn't like me.

I didn't?

No. You took me to prom twice.

Um...

If you didn't want to be with
me, why didn't you just say so?

You're not very clear
with your signals, Axl.

Maybe you should just sit here

and think about all the pain
you've caused me.

And I hope it's reflected in my tip.

Hello, Mother.

Anything you'd like to, uh, tell me?

♪ H-Happy birthday... ♪

That was five months ago.

No, it's something else,
something more revealing,

something very interesting I found

in my microfiche from .

More interesting
than the hat in the tree?

Yes.

My mother -- your wife --

was arrested for indecent exposure.

It was all right there in the Herald.

Oh, my God, I forgot about that.

Oh, Brick, it was nothing.

When we were seniors,

my friends and I went streaking
through the Denny's parking lot.

Eh, we thought it was funny.

Just a harmless high school prank.

We didn't think we'd get caught.

Who would've thought
there'd be cops at Denny's?

Well, it was quite the scandal
at the time.

The whole town was talking about it.

Well, don't you worry that it
could come back to haunt you?

I mean, anyone with a microfiche
machine can see this.

It's what high schoolers do.

They take risks and do dumb pranks.

Did you ever do anything like that?

Oh, you kidding me?

When I was in high school,
we had this algebra teacher,

total jerk.

He drove a Fiero
with vanity license plates

that said "COOLGUY."

A little tip --

anybody who has plates
that say "COOLGUY,"

not a cool guy.

So, I had this buddy
that was a mechanic,

and one night when Mr. Coolguy

was at some band concert,
me and a bunch of guys

took apart his Fiero
and rebuilt it in the library.

Why would you do that to a library?

The library was fine.
You're missing the point.

It was just a prank. It's what kids do.

My friends and I have never done that.

Well, you guys are a bunch of nerds.

Mike!

What?

Not like it's a secret or something.

He knows what he is.

Mm-hmm.

[Sighs]

I mean, this is the third time

he showed up to take me to a dance.

I just feel bad because
I never end up going with him.

He's always so nice.

He was the first person

to tell me he liked my hair
after I cut it.

Sean sounds like a great guy.

Oh, super great.
I just hope he's not hurt.

He drove such a long way,
and it was such a nice gesture.

No, a nice gesture
is if you drive an hour.

I don't know what you call
a gesture after five hours.

Did I tell you it was five hours?

You know, you've been talking
an awful lot about Sean.

Have I?

Sue, remember how Julia broke up with me

because I was talking about you
all the time?

It kinda feels like there's somebody

you'd rather be going to this ball with.

What?

No, no, no, no, no. I really like you.

That's why I asked you and everything.

I just didn't realize
Sean would even want to come.

I mean, he is a very social guy,
and he does love to dance.

One time at our block party --

Sue, if you want Sean
to take you, it's not too late.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Tyler, I really couldn't do that to you.

No, really, it's cool.

I'm not just saying this to be nice.

I mean, yeah, I like you,

but we've only been dating
for three weeks

and it's mostly been
hauling around drunks.

I don't wanna be competing
with some other guy already.

So I think if you like this Sean,

you should probably go talk
to him and figure that out.

Oh, my God. Do you think?

Yeah.

I mean, we've known each other
our whole lives.

But, no, he's already in Orson,

and he's going back to Notre Dame.

Orson's only minutes away.

You -- You told me that a lot, too.

[Door opens, closes]

Hey, Brick, everything okay?

[Sighs] Not really.

You know how you guys were talking

about high schoolers pulling pranks?

I don't know. You made it sound so fun.

And I thought,
since I've never done one,

that I would try my hand at a prank.

Please tell me you didn't go streaking.

The ' s were a very different time.

No, I had this great idea to change

the Dewey Decimal System in the library

by switching the s with the s.

People would go up to a shelf
expecting books on botany,

but instead they'd get
ancient civilizations.

Everyone would be like, "What?
What crazy man did this?"

You'd be the first to do it.

I know! Right?

I had this whole elaborate plan,
like "Ocean's Eleven."

I was gonna push the cart,
Troy was the muscle,

Cindy was the femme fatale.

But they just weren't into it.

So, guess I'll graduate high school

without an epic story.

Maybe that's my story -- no story.

[Sighs]

Axl, I know we're supposed
to go out for dinner,

but I didn't eat anything at noon,

so could we go out for lunch instead?

It's not healthy to skip meals.

Yeah, listen, April, we need to talk.

Um...

I've been feeling
really conflicted lately.

I feel like things
have been weird between us

since the annulment.

But I'm , and I just don't feel

ready to settle down just yet.

Even though I know we already did.

Before, I would've just let things

keep doing what they're doing.

But it's just not fair, you know?

Like, if I feel like we
don't have a future together,

I should just be clear
and say what I mean.

And what I mean is...

[Sighs] We should break up.

Wow.

I guess the first clue should've
been when we got divorced.

Yeah, well, that was one.

So, then, did you ever love me?

Yes! Of course.

And some part of me always will.

Just not enough to date me.

[Sighs] It's fine.

I get it.

You don't have to hit me over
the head to let me know stuff.

I don't want to make a scene,
so I'll just go.

[Engine starts]

[Tires squeal]

What the hell are you doing?

Aunt Edie's car d*ed
and I gotta get to Orson!

Uh, kinda in the middle
of something here, Sue!

I gotta talk to Sean!
Now stop distracting me!

This is like driving a whale!

You ever heard of a phone?
Just call him.

He's not answering and I gotta catch him

before he goes back to Notre Dame!

Okay, let me drive.

No, you'll stop! Every second counts!

At least let us out!

No, I'm not stopping
till I get to Orson!

[Groans]

Frankie: There's a reason
you go your separate ways

right after a breakup.

Ooh.

How's that?

If we don't do something with butts,

then I don't know what we're doing here.

This is so epic.

Years from now,
I'll be telling the story

about how I pulled a prank
with my parents!

You might wanna leave
the parents part out.

Oh, wait. I've got one.

"Cake beak pan farts."

[Laughing] Okay.

I like, "Pancake breakfast Saturday."

[Horn blares]

[Brakes squeak]

[Sighs]

So, thanks for taking this so well.

Mrs. Donahue! Mrs. Donahue!

Is Sean here?

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Sue.

He left for Notre Dame hours ago.

Don't you look beautiful!

Wait.

Aren't you supposed to be at a ball?

Yeah, well,
the situation kind of changed.

Oh, honey. Do you still need a date?

Ron can take you. Ron!

No, I'm good. I'm good.

You sure?

I was a little worried when
you pulled up in such a hurry.

Yeah. Well...

I was just chasing something

that probably wasn't
even really a thing.

I'm fine. I'm fine, really.

So, Sue rejected one prince
and chased down another.

And although she didn't

get to go to the ball
with either of them,

the unlikeliest of princes
came to her rescue.

Cool! Open bar!

You ever tasted a Creamsicle margarita?

Ooh.