♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Look at Pa!
- You goin' courtin'?
- Course not.
I'm going down to Mr. Drysdale's
bank for a business meeting.
- You seen Jethro?
- Yes, sir.
He's in the kitchen messing
with his chemistry set.
Well, tell him to
fetch the truck around.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Him and his fool chemistry set.
Look what he done to my hair.
How'd he do that?
Invented something called
Bodine Hair Darkener.
Turned me into
a platinum blonde.
Got a nice shine to it.
Shine! It glows in the dark.
- Jethro, Pa wants you to...
- Shh!
I'm right in the middle
of a great experiment.
If this works...
It worked. I've done it.
Done what?
Invented purple orange juice.
I am gonna make a fortune.
- How?
- How?
When somebody comes along
and needs purple orange juice,
they's gonna have
to deal with me.
Granny's gonna turn purple
when she sees this mess.
Pa wants you to drive
him down to the bank.
Hot dog. That'll
give me a chance
to show 'em my
greatest discovery of all.
What's that?
Something scientists have
been trying to find for years.
Where'd you get it?
I didn't "get
it." I invented it.
This pill can turn
water into gasoline.
All us great scientists
gets laughed at.
That don't bother us none.
Someday you'll be proud to
say that you was my lab assistant.
Oh, well, what does
a lab assistant do?
Cleans up the mess.
Mr. Drysdale's getting
together some fellas to form
what you call a syndicate.
What's a syndicate?
I don't know.
What's it do?
I don't know that,
neither, but whatever it is,
I don't want to be late for it.
It works, Uncle Jed, it works.
What works, boy?
My new invention, the
Bodine Gasoline Pill.
- Gasoline pill?
- Yes, sir.
You see, for years and
years and years and years,
scientists have been
looking for a way...
Explain it to me on
the way to the bank.
I always like to
be a little early.
You will be.
This rascal runs like
a jackrabbit on my pill.
No speeding, now.
Bye, Granny.
How's it going, Miss Hathaway?
- Everything ready?
- Right, Chief.
Vintage champagne
chilled to perfection.
- Imported caviar.
- Oh, good.
You know, Mr. Sebastian
is used to the best.
What a man. Sponge
king, shipping magnate.
You got the expensive
caviar, I hope.
Ten dollars an ounce.
Ten dollars an ounce!
That's impossible.
Well, see for yourself.
Ten ounces, $100.
Well, you left one in there.
- No, I didn't.
- Oh. All right.
But let's leave the can
around so Sebastian can see it.
That will hardly impress a
man like Mr. Lucas Sebastian.
He is purported
to be a billionaire.
Yeah.
Think of that, a
real live billionaire.
And quite a remarkable man:
adventurer, world
traveler, oceanographer,
authority on marine biology.
One billion dollars.
That's a thousand million.
His concept that the
farm of the future lies
at the bottom of the
ocean is absolutely brilliant.
A real live billionaire.
How exciting. Farming
the ocean's depths.
Doing what?
Farming the depths
of the ocean for food.
Well, whose nutty idea is that?
Mr. Sebastian's.
Oh. Brilliant, brilliant.
You mean you didn't ask why
he wants to organize a syndicate?
Look, when you get a
chance to hook up with a man
like Lucas Sebastian, you
don't go asking foolish questions.
Everything that man
touches turns to gold.
Mmm.
You must be talking
about Jed Clampett.
That sounds like a
perfect description.
Oh, no, no, Fleming, John.
I was talking about the
man who is going to head up
our new syndicate,
Lucas Sebastian.
What are we going to
finance, home movies?
Oh, of course not.
Mr. Sebastian wants you to
see a film about this project.
Yes. He has a brilliant plan to
farm the depths of the ocean.
Farm the depths of the ocean?
How does that sound
to you, Fleming?
Well, if Jed Clampett goes
for it, you can count me in.
He's yet to make a wrong move.
One of the shrewdest
investors I've ever seen.
Yes. I-I make all
his investments.
You know, a classic example
is that broken-down movie studio
he picked up for a song.
Five million, wasn't it?
- Five and a half. I bought it...
- You hear that?
Five and a half million dollars,
and I'll bet anything
it's worth 25 today.
The man's a genius.
It was my idea.
I'm the genius.
By the way, Milburn,
where is Clampett?
He's coming, isn't he?
Well, of course he's coming.
And when he gets
here, he'll tell you himself
that I'm the brains
behind his every move.
You poor guy.
It must be rough
living in the shadow
of a financial
wizard like Clampett.
Wizard is right.
He dresses like a hayseed,
drives around in an old truck,
talks like a farmer, and when
you think you've got him...
wham.
I hear that even that big
kid that drives him around
puts on a hick act.
Oh, yes, that's
Clampett's nephew.
He's probably got an IQ of 180.
So I put together a little
of this and a little of that
and come up with the
Bodine Gasoline Pill.
You drop it in a t*nk of water
and the car will run on it, huh?
Yes, sir. We's
running on it right now.
Hmm, seems to be
chugging along good as ever.
There's no difference.
I'll switch back to
the gasoline t*nk
so you can see for yourself.
Don't seem to be running as
good on gas as it did on your water.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh what?
Got the valve in backwards.
We've been running on gas.
Right now we's running on water.
Right now we ain't running.
I'll switch back to gas.
Kind of think the
Bodine Gasoline Pill
needs a little more work.
I kind of agree.
I'm due down at the
bank in five minutes.
I ain't never been
late in my life.
Uncle Jed.
What?
There's a first
time for everything.
Good morning, Miss Hathaway.
Why, Mr. Sebastian.
I have your film
all ready to project.
Well, thank you.
Ah. This is a little
token of my appreciation
for your scholarly interest in
my underseas farming project.
Oh, you-you
shouldn't have, really.
Oh, my goodness.
Why, it's a... a sponge?
Yes, one of the finest ever
brought up by my divers.
Wh-Why, it's-it's absolutely
magnificent, just beautiful.
I'm glad you like it.
Yes.
Gentlemen, Mr. Lucas Sebastian.
Mr. Sebastian, welcome, welcome.
I'm Milburn Drysdale.
This is a great honor,
a great pleasure.
- How do you do, sir?
- You know, meeting you
is a privilege I've
been looking forward to
for many years,
and I hope... Oh.
I'd like to present Mr. Fleming
Pendleton and Mr. John Canady.
- Mr. Drysdale, my hand.
- Yes?
Wh-What about it?
I'd like it back.
Oh. Sorry.
Gentlemen, shake hands
with Mr. Lucas S'Billion.
Oh. Sebastian.
- How do you do, sir?
- How do you do, sir?
- How do you do, Mr. Sebastian?
- Oh, sit down, sit down.
- Have some champagne, caviar.
- Uh, well, no, I...
- no, I'm on a very strict diet.
- What?
Yes, if... in fact,
if you don't mind,
I think I'll sit over there
where I won't be tempted.
Diet?
Take this caviar back to the
store and get my 100 bucks.
But the can has been opened.
Solder it up.
How's it coming, boy?
I'm gettin' it.
Try her now, Uncle Jed...
Step down on that old starter.
Still full of Bodine
Gasoline, huh?
Yes, sir, but
I'll get it runnin'.
Well, I better commence
walking. I'm late now.
No, no, Uncle Jed.
I promised I'd get you
to the bank on this truck,
and I'm gonna do it.
How?
You steer. I'll push.
I'm sure Mr. Clampett
will be here any moment.
He's never late.
Well, he's late now.
My time is limited.
Now, if these gentlemen
would care to see the film,
I'll be happy to
run it for them.
- If not, I'll be leaving.
- Run it, run it.
Now, hold it, Milburn. Hold it.
I-I'd rather wait
for Jed Clampett.
- Wouldn't you, John?
- Right.
Oh, well, sorry, gentlemen.
Perhaps we can get
together on another project.
No, no, no, no, no.
Here we go. Showtime!
Take it easy, Jethro!
Not so fast!
There, gentlemen,
beneath the oceans that
cover 70% of our globe
lie the fields and
farms of the future.
In these very waters,
where my divers once
harvested sponges,
we will harvest a crop of
plankton and undersea vegetation
worth millions.
Well, gentlemen, the
purpose of this syndicate
is to develop and build the
heavy equipment necessary
for submarine harvesting on
a commercially practical scale.
I think we can do it on
a piddling $100 million.
What do you say?
They're in, they're in.
Right, gentlemen?
Well, we'd-we'd like
to caucus for a moment
in the outer office.
Oh. Well, uh, please be brief.
I'm due at my
club in ten minutes.
We'll be a moment.
What do you think, Fleming?
It worries me that
Clampett didn't show up.
If this undersea farming was
worth anything, he'd be here.
It's a pretty new concept.
Maybe he doesn't know about it.
Are you kidding?
Nothing gets by that old fox.
Elly May, Jane Hathaway here.
Uh, where is Mr. Clampett?
What's that?
Trying out a new discovery?
A chemical that turns
water into gasoline?
- Hear that?
- Fantastic.
No wonder he isn't here.
You say Jethro invented it?
I told you the kid was a genius.
Oh... We've got to get in on it.
Yeah, we've got
to find Clampett.
Tell Milburn that
we had to leave.
But what about the
ocean farming syndicate?
Maybe he can
sell it to a seagull.
Yeah. It's for the birds.
Hello, Elly? When you
hear from your father,
would you please
ask him to call?
Thank you, dear. Bye.
- Well, fellas, what...
- They're gone, Chief.
- But the syndicate?
- I'm afraid they're not interested.
Oh. Well, I'd say that about
wraps things up, Drysdale.
Apparently, your bank
doesn't have the clientele
for something
this big. Good day.
No, no, wait, wait!
Mr. Clampett's big enough.
Kindly remove that
tourniquet from my arm.
Thank you.
Your Mr. Clampett didn't
put in an appearance.
But he will, he will.
Sorry, I'm late for a
massage at my club.
He's on his way! I know he is!
♪♪
Better commence
to slow down, Jethro!
I got to make a turn
at the next corner!
Jethro, I say slow down!
Jethro!
Mmm.
Must've lost him
on that last hill.
Mr. Sebastian, wait!
Let's drive up
to Mr. Clampett...
Look, I told you, I'm
late for a massage.
Well, I'll massage you on
the way; I'm really very good.
I'll find him and bring
him over to the club!
You'll like him! He's
a wonderful man!
- Miss Hathaway...
- Mr. Clampett, where have you been?
Everyone's looking for you!
Well, I had a little
inventor trouble.
Is the syndicate meeting over?
Yes, but there's still time
for you to get together
with Mr. Sebastian, and it's
very important that you do.
How come?
Well, he has a brilliant
new plan for producing food.
- Is he a farmer?
- In a sense.
But I'll let him
explain it to you.
Have Jethro rush you
right over to the Oxford Club.
Well, Jethro's a
mite tuckered out.
He just pushed a truck
four miles at a dead run.
Whereabouts is this Oxford Club?
Well, actually, it's just up
Wilshire a couple of blocks.
Oh, shucks, I'll walk over.
Well, uh, you'll
find Mr. Sebastian
in the massage room.
I-I do hope you'll
see your way clear
to help make his
dream a reality.
Well, I'll do the best I can.
Uh, I'm sorry about
missin' the meetin'.
Jethro done the best he could.
All's well that ends well.
Where is the dear boy?
Oh, he's down in front,
uh, working on the truck.
He claims he knows
just how to fix it.
♪♪
This must be the carburetor.
How's it going, boy?
Oh, fine, Uncle Jed.
I'm going up the street
a piece to see a fella
who needs some
help with his farming.
Yes, sir. Oh, by the
time you get back,
I'll have this rascal
running better than new.
Oh, Joe, take it easy.
Have a heart.
I'm sorry, Mr. Sebastian.
You told me not to
show you any mercy
till the last of those
20 pounds were gone.
Yeah, but, Joe, I've
been doing my best.
I-I've been starving
myself for three days.
Oh, don't give me that.
I heard about those
doughnuts this morning.
Oh? Who informed on me?
I just happen to date the
waitress at the coffee shop.
Oh, and I gave
her a ten-dollar tip.
And you promised
me a hundred-dollar tip
if we got rid of those
pounds by tonight,
and I'm gonna do it.
Yeah, but, Joe, Joe, Joe,
just let me rest for-for
a couple of minutes, eh?
Well, okay, just for
a couple, though.
And then I'm gonna b*at
you, bake you, boil you,
steam you and fry you
until those pounds come off.
All right, it's a deal.
Just let me have 40 winks.
Yes, sir? Something
I can do for you?
Well, uh, howdy. My
name is Jed Clampett,
and I'm looking
for a Mr. Sebastian.
Is he here?
Yeah, but he's asleep right now.
Down here, in the basement?
Right over there on the table.
Does he sleep here a lot?
Whenever I let him.
Well, uh, maybe I better go
and come back another time.
Is he expecting you?
Well, I kind of think he's,
uh, hoping I'll drop by.
Well, maybe I better let
him know you're here, then.
- Well, no, I wouldn't...
- Oh, that's all right.
I was gonna wake him up
to work him over anyway.
Okay, nap time's up.
There's a Mr. Clampett
here to see you.
Huh? Oh.
Oh, how do you do, Mr. Clampett?
H-H-Howdy, Mr. Sebastian.
I'll shower and get dressed.
Oh, no, you don't. You're
gonna stay right here
till you pay for
those doughnuts.
Now, here, here.
Hold on there.
No, no, no, no.
He... he's right, Mr. Clampett.
I ate those doughnuts,
and this is the only
way I can pay the price.
Well, let me pay.
Oh, no.
Well, it's better
than getting b*at up.
You don't understand,
Mr. Clampett.
I just have to learn how
to keep away from food.
Well, you'd starve.
I have been starving.
Three days.
By doggies, Mr. Sebastian.
I got to admire your pride.
Thanks. Uh... Pound away, Joe.
Hello?
Jed?
Where are you?
I'm at someplace
called the Oxford Club,
trying to help this poor farmer.
I tell you, Granny,
he's a pitiful case.
He sleeps in the
cellar on a hard table,
no clothes on his back,
and ain't got the
price of two doughnuts.
You gonna grubstake him, Jed?
I'm sure gonna try, but
it ain't gonna be easy.
He's poor but uncommon proud.
He'd rather take a b*ating
than let me pay
for his doughnuts.
All right, all right.
There, out of here
and into the rollers.
No, no, Joe, not the
rollers. Not the rollers.
- Yeah, the rollers. Come on.
- No, no, Joe!
Granny, I got to get out of here
before I tangle with the
fella that runs this place.
He's the meanest,
orneriest critter I ever seen.
Joe...
Poor Mr. Sebastian can't
pay him the money he owes,
and dogged if this
rascal ain't determined
to squeeze it out of his hide.
Fetch the poor fella home, Jed.
Leastways, we can
give him bed and board.
Okay, into the sweat box.
Oh, no, Joe, no.
No, not the t*rture
chamber, Joe.
Let me ride the bicycle.
In the box.
No, Joe, no!
Granny, I'm feared
it's gonna take a scrap
to get Mr. Sebastian
out of here.
That fella Joe done took
the wheel off his bicycle.
Sure do thank you for
towing me home, Miss Jane.
That's all right, dear boy.
Glad to do it.
Jethro, I still think I
should have towed you
to a garage to have
this engine reassembled.
Heck-fire, Miss
Jane, I can fix it.
All I got to do is figure out
where to connect
these leftovers.
Yes, well, bon chance.
Uh, I want your
Uncle Jed to have this.
He and Mr. Sebastian may
be going into business together.
Good thing I
graduated sixth grade.
I'd hate to tackle this
without an education.
You know, Joe, I
just weighed myself,
and I'm down to, uh... Joe?
Joe, where are you?
Help. Let me out of here.
Get me out of this thing.
Well, what happened to you, Joe?
Well, you remember
when I let you out
of the steam cabinet
there, and you...
and you kind of staggered
into the shower room?
Yes.
Well, Mr. Clampett came
over and gave me a $20 bill.
Asked me if that
would satisfy me.
I thought he wanted a massage.
So I said, "Take off your
clothes and I'll work you over."
And?
That's the last thing I remember
till I woke up in here.
Hmm.
You know, Joe, I'm beginning
to wonder if I should accept
Mr. Clampett's
invitation to dinner.
I-I've never seen a
millionaire quite like him before.
I've never seen one
with a left hook
like that before.
Ah, Mr. Sebastian,
congratulations.
Ah-ah-ah.
I understand you and
Mr. Clampett got together.
What did you think of him?
Quite a fellow, isn't he?
Yes, uh, extraordinary.
I'm invited to his
training camp for dinner.
Wonderful.
Training camp?
Yeah, with the right handling,
he could be the next
heavyweight champ.
Well, uh, you'll
enjoy dinner up there.
Granny's a wonderful cook.
Of course, some of her dishes,
you've probably
never heard of before,
but they're delicious.
What is it, Granny?
According to Miss
Jane, it's something
that Mr. Sebastian
grows on his farm,
and a prize one, too.
When's it gonna be done?
I don't know, child.
I've been stewing it
for better than an hour,
and it still ain't tender.
Sure does smell good.
Well, I put in a little piece
of salt pork for seasoning.
Now, let's just let
it simmer there.
You come and help me
pick some dandelion greens
to go with it.
Yes'm.
Hot dog!
Look at the size
of that mushroom.
Well, come in.
Come in. I'm glad
you could make it.
- Here we are.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
I, uh... I see you
got some clothes.
Oh, yes, yes.
Mrs. Sebastian was telling me
that's hand-loomed Irish tweed.
Got it on Bond Street.
Now, don't you
worry. It looks fine.
Want to borrow my razor?
N-No, no, thank you.
I got a little surprise
for you, Mr. Sebastian.
You hungry?
Hu... Oh, I've never
been so hungry in my life.
There you are.
Two dozen of the finest
doughnuts money can buy.
Just a-wallowin' in sugar.
For me?
For you and no strings attached.
No, thank you.
Proudest man I ever seen.
Well, I reckon it
would've took the edge
off of Granny's vittles anyhow.
I'm sure she's got
something wonderful cooking.
You just dump them
right in the kettle.
The kettle's empty.
Empty?
Yes, ma'am.
I started out just
to have a taste,
but you know me and mushrooms.
You ate the whole thing?
Yes, ma'am.
Didn't have a lot of flavor,
but it was mighty fillin'.
I never seen anything
soak up so much gravy.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪