04x15 - The Common Cold

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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04x15 - The Common Cold

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

(knocking)

Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.

- Good morning, Mr. Clampett. Jethro.
- Howdy, Miss Jane.

You're just in time for
a doctor's examination.

- Doctor's examination?
- Twice a year,

Granny gives everybody
a good going over

to see that there's
nothing wrong with them.

I'm next, but you can
take my turn if you like.

Oh, well, well, thank you,
Jethro, but I just came by

to have some papers signed.

- Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.
- Greetings, Elly.

GRANNY: Next!

Oh. Just take a seat, Miss Jane.

I'll get to you quick as I can.

Come on, Jethro, get a move on.

Are you sure you wouldn't
like to take my turn?

- (laughing): No.
- What about you, Uncle Jed?

Don't keep the
doctor waiting, boy.

This apple-a-day
stuff is just talk.

Well, how did your
examination go, Elly?

- Oh, just awful, Miss Jane.
- Really?

Oh, Granny couldn't find
nothing wrong with me.

She got all upset.

Now, let's see.

- You're Jethro.
- Granny, you know who I am.

Just answer my questions.

- How you been feeling?
- Wonderful.

- Any aches or pains?
- No, ma'am.

- Dizzy spells or "nausy"?
- No, ma'am.

Snakebite or broken bones?

Of course not.

"No, ma'am" will do.

Back home Granny
doctored everybody

in our neck of the woods,
and there was generally

always somebody
that needed her help.

But out here all
she's got is us,

and we're so healthy,
it gets her plumb vexed.

(Jane chuckles)

You sure there's
nothing hurting you?

Positive.

I got some dandy salve here.

I don't need it.

Guaranteed to take
the soreness out.

Granny, I ain't got
nothing that's sore!

Ow!

Put that on and
come back tomorrow.

Thank you, Mr. Clampett,
I think that should do it.

GRANNY: Next!

That's you, Jed, come on.

Well, uh, maybe Miss Jane
would like to take my turn.

- Would you?
- I'm, I'm afraid I have to hurry

right back to the office.

All right, I'll squeeze
you in ahead of Jed.

I-I meant I have to get
back there immediately.

You see, Mr. Drysdale
isn't feeling well.

Mr. Drysdale is ailing?

Fetch him over.

I-It's just a cold, Granny,

and that's one thing you
doctors haven't conquered yet.

What do you mean?

Well, there's no known
cure for the common cold.

You mean to tell
me that city doctors

ain't got no cure for a cold?

Well, they can
alleviate the symptoms,

but no one has a cure.

Well, Granny has.

She's been making it
long as I can remember.

A cold cure?

One spoonful is all it takes.

But the greatest research
scientists and doctors

in the world have been
working on this problem.

Well, tell 'em to stop it.

I come up with a cold
cure 45 years ago.

You did?!

Well, I thought everybody knew.

It was wrote up in the
Razorback Hog Breeders' Gazette.

Right on the front page.

(chuckling): I guess
most doctors and scientists

don't read that.

Well, how can I
get the word to 'em?

I'll take that up
with Mr. Drysdale.

Oh, and tell him to cheer up;
Granny's gonna cure his cold.

Yes, I'll warn... (chuckles)

tell him. Bye.

Bye.

He did?

Oh, that's good.

Bye.

I'll have to start whomping up
a batch of my cold cure, Jed.

Mr. Drysdale's on his way over.

- He is?
- Yep.

The girl said he's
gone to see the doctor.

Huh. Hmm.

All right, Milburn, you
can put your coat back on.

- Are you through already?
- That's right.

(chuckles)

(sighing): What's the verdict?

You have a cold.

I knew that when I came in.

Now, what are you
going to do for it?

I'm gonna recommend
that you eat sensibly,

drink lots of fluids,
get plenty of rest.

Then, in a week or ten
days, you'll be all right.

But wait a minute!

Aren't you gonna give
me a sh*t of something?

Well, if you insist.

I imagine I have some
brandy around somewhere.

I-I mean a sh*t for my cold,

like penicillin...

Brandy'll do you just as
much good and it won't hurt.

What kind of a doctor are you?

I am a busy one.

- Now, I'll see you later.
- R-Roy...

Oh, come on, Milburn,
I've told you before,

there is no cure for
the common cold.

Well, then, why did you
have me come over here?

I didn't. You barged
into my waiting room

without an appointment.

Well, you certainly got
me in here in a hurry.

Of course I did... the way you
were coughing and sneezing

around my other patients, you
were a menace to public health.

What a gyp!

You haven't done one thing
that I couldn't have done myself.

Fine. Next time save
yourself the ten dollars.

Ten dollars? For
looking up my nose,

down my throat,
taking my temperature,

- feeling my pulse...
- I did all those things?

You'd better make it $15.

Clyburn, you quack!

Look, will you keep
your voice down?

I have a waiting
room full of patients.

You mean pigeons
waiting to be rolled.

I am doing my best to remember
that we are fraternity brothers.

Do me a favor... forget it.

- 15 bucks.
- Make it 20; I was giving you a discount.

I won't pay it! You... (sneezes)

Gesundheit.

That, I can get free!

(sniffs)

Hold it, boy. Nobody
allowed in the kitchen

while Granny's
making her medicine.

Well, I got to get in there,
Uncle Jed. I'm starving.

Well, you'll hold out...
You had a extra big lunch.

Yeah, b-but that was
a hour and a half ago.

I thought you was gonna
cut down on your eating.

I did... down to four
feedings a day now.

- Four?
- Not counting meals.

Well, I don't reckon
you'll waste away

till Granny's got
her cold cure made.

Cold cure? I thought that
had to be done at night

so as the light
couldn't get to it.

This is a emergency.

GRANNY: Rattlesnake weed.

Secret ingredient X4.

Corn squeezings.

(cork pops)

(liquid glugging)

(Granny chuckles, sets down jug)

Elly, that's the strongest
batch I ever made.

It'll cure a cold
in a hurry, huh?

I mean my corn squeezings.

Oh.

Won't know about my cold cure

till it works for a spell.

Look, Granny, it's working now.

It's eating a hole right
through the blanket.

That ain't my cold cure.

I forgot to put the
cork back in my jug.

Where are you, Mr. Drysdale?

Mr. Drysdale?

Jed, I can't find Mr. Drysdale.

You got him upstairs in bed?

No, Granny, it turns
out that the doctor

he was going to see wasn't
you, it was Dr. Clyburn.

Dr. Clyburn! He
ain't got no cold cure!

He can't even grow hair!

I'll take that.

That highfalutin
society sawbones.

He mean-mouthed me,
called me a witch doctor.

And after I growed a crop of
hair on that gourd head of his.

Yeah, but it seems
that after a spell,

all that new hair fell out.

I just grow it.

I ain't got time to garden it.

Where are you going?

I'm going down to
that Clyburn's office,

and I'm gonna show him up.

I'm gonna give
Mr. Drysdale my cold cure

in front of everybody.

Now, Granny, you don't
want to shame a man

by out-doctoring
him in his own office

with his patients looking on.

Why, that could cost
him his livelihood,

break his spirit in the bargain.

Yeah, I reckon
you're right, Jed.

Us older and wiser doctors
should be helping the young'uns.

There's a bond among physicians

that's bigger than
personal feelings.

That's the spirit.

It's a high calling,
Jed, the art of healing.

Ain't none higher.

You know, we have
to take a pledge

to end suffering
wherever we find it.

I know.

I'm proud to be a doctor.

And we're proud of you.

Kind of chokes you up, don't it?

It does for a fact.

Yeah.

Hot dog! You're
out of the kitchen.

- Now I can eat.
- Hold on, boy.

You got to drive me into town.

But, Granny, I'm already
two snacks behind schedule,

- and I'm starving.
- Sorry, boy, this is doctor business.

And nothing comes
ahead of ending suffering.

Good. I'm going in the
kitchen and end mine.

You can hold out till
mealtime. Now get on this truck.

Okay, but what if I
pass out at the wheel?

You'll have a doctor
sitting right beside you.

Where y'all going?

Granny's going down
to Dr. Clyburn's office.

She is? Hey, Elly, come
on along and watch the fun.

What fun?

Why, the way that rascal
mean-mouthed Granny,

she's gonna turn him
every way but loose.

Yeah, he called Granny
a voodoo witch doctor.

Said the only medicine she knows

is saying spells and
sticking pins in dolls.

Said she ought to wear
a bone through her hair.

- And a shark's tooth necklace.
- And tote a shrunk head.

Watching Granny and
old Dr. Clyburn tangle

is gonna be pretty near
as much fun as eating.

Now, just a minute.

Hey, Granny, you want
me to fetch your shotgun,

or are you gonna take
him on bare-knuckles?

Fetch her shotgun, Elly.

Now, that's enough.

Granny decided to let
bygones be bygones.

She ain't going
down to Dr. Clyburn's

toting no shotgun,
right, Granny?

That's right.

I'm gonna take him
on bare-knuckle!

♪♪

(spasmodic sneeze)

Gesundheit.

I told Clyburn I
could get that free.

What?

Nothing.

Why, that quack.

No cure for the common cold, eh?

Well, one stop at
the supermarket,

and I got a whole sackful.

Chief, these are not cures.

They may temporarily
relieve some of your distress,

- but there's...
- Do you think you know more about medicine

than the checkout
girl at the market?

It is just possible, yes.

I do know that the best
thing is to eat sensibly,

drink lots of fluids,
and get plenty of rest.

The cold will run its
course in seven to ten days.

Now you tell me. I
just paid Roy Clyburn

20 bucks for that same advice.

♪♪

There it is, Granny.

"Roy S. Clyburn, M.D."

Now, Granny,
before you go in there,

I want you to promise
me again that you...

Now, Jed, stop worrying.

I've cooled down.

I'm here as one
doctor helping another

to share the fruits of
my medical research.

Well, that's fine.

I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

There's a bond between
all us physicians.

Yeah, I know.

It's a high calling.

True.

I'm proud to be one.

Hey, Uncle Jed, if there
ain't gonna be no scrap,

can Elly and me go
get something to eat?

Yeah, this ain't
gonna be no fun.

It's gonna be better than fun.

It's gonna be a lesson in folks
forgetting their own feelings

for the good of mankind,

and I want you
young'uns to see it.

Mr. Drysdale must be
inside with the doctor.

I'll go take a look.

You sit down.

Hey, you in there, open up.

Please, madam.

You ought to wash this window.

It's so dirty, I can't
hardly see through it.

What did you wish?

Mr. Drysdale in there?

No, he's gone.

Oh, well, then,
you tell Dr. Clyburn

that I got something for him.

Did you have an appointment?

No, no, but he'll
be glad to see me.

I'm afraid Dr. Clyburn
is booked up for weeks.

Well, I ain't gonna
set here that long.

Now, you tell him
that Dr. Granny is here

to give him a cold cure.

Interested in stock, are you?

Yes.

Did you ever read the
Razorback Hog Breeders' Gazette?

No.

My cold cure was
on the front page of it.

You got a cold?

No.

What's bothering you?

Guess.

From the looks of you,

I'd say your
gizzard is acting up.

Does it hurt you
when I poke you there?

(bellows)

Here she is, Doctor.

Hello, Roy.

Say, I think this fella's
got a ailing gizzard.

Now, if you're busy,
I'll take him in yonder

and give him a good going over.

Nurse, show Mr. Parker
into Examination Room B.

Yes, Doctor.

I didn't bring my bag, Roy.

I'll have to borrow a
few things from you.

You see, young'uns?

Granny and Dr. Clyburn
is working together already.

Let this be a lesson to you.

If you're big enough
to swallow your pride

and offer your
hand in friendship...

(Granny yells in distance)

Put me down, you
gourd-headed quack!

I can doctor better
than you hog-tied!

Out, out, all of you, out!

Oh, no. No, not you.

Just for that I won't
give you my cold cure!

Out!

Excuse me, Dr. Clyburn,
but I'm disappointed in you.

Really?

I am for a fact.

Like I was just saying
to the young'uns, I says,

"With Granny swallowing
her pride and coming forward

like she done in the
spirit of goodwill and..."

- Uncle Jed?
- What?


Is the friendship lesson over?

I kind of think it is.

Hot dog. Let's go home and eat.

(Jethro whistles)

(Granny yells indistinctly)

Jethro, where do you
think you're going?

There's no medical
buildings on this street.

Please, Granny, let's go
home and have some vittles.

We've been to six
medical buildings

and not one of 'em
has had a vacancy.

Boy's right, Granny.

You just might have to
do your doctoring at home.

No!

If I'm gonna show
up that Clyburn,

I got to have me
a office in town.

Say, Granny,
maybe Mr. Drysdale's

got an empty office.

Good idea. Turn
the truck around.

Granny, I'm wasting away.

I ain't had nothing to eat
in pretty near three hours.

Jethro, try to understand,
this had to come first.

I'm a doctor, an angel of mercy.

It's my duty to end
pain and suffering.

Now turn this truck around!

(mumbles)

(sniffs)

Excuse me, Chief.

The Clampetts are
in my office, and...

Mr. Drysdale.

Who's the better
doctor, Clyburn or me?

W-Why you are, Granny.

You are.

Can Clyburn cure a cold?

No.

Can he make medicine
better than me?

No.

Has he been doctoring
longer than me?

No.

Great. Can I have an
office here in your building?

- No!
- No?

Uh, she means "no vacancy."

Otherwise, we'd be
proud to have you... proud.

There's a sign downstairs
says the penthouse is for rent.

Can I have it?

- No.
- No?

Uh, she means "no problem."

Miss Hathaway, see
that the penthouse

is made ready for the
doctor immediately.

- B-But, Chief...
- Never mind, Miss Jane.

Granny knows
exactly what she wants.

She's got her whole
family to help her.

Come on, Doc.

Oh, Mr. Drysdale, I left
your cold cure on the truck,

but you come up
to my office later.

You can be my first patient.

Chief, practicing
medicine without a license

is a criminal offense,

and if you rent her
an office, then the...

Oh, relax, relax.

She can't practice
medicine without patients.

So we'll tell the switchboard
operator not to ring

and the elevator operator
not to take anyone up.

But if... By tonight,
Granny will be ready

to forget the whole
thing and go home.

In the meantime,
we will have collected

the first and last month's rent.

But, Chief, if she
does treat a patient,

somebody is going to jail.

Oh, stop worrying.

Your job will be waiting for you

when you get out.

Any patients waiting to see me?

No, ma'am, Doctor.

Any appointments?

No, ma'am.

Any emergencies?

No, ma'am.

Has the hospital called?

No, ma'am.

Nobody's called
and nobody's come.

We might as well be setting
home in the root cellar.

Ain't right.

Folks is setting around
Clyburn's office, suffering.

Here I am with 50 years
of doctoring behind me...

(Granny sniffs)

What's that I smell?

I smell it, too.

Oh!

I got some stuff
in the sterilizer.

I'll take care of it.

Jethro, I'm going over
to Dr. Clyburn's office

and fetch back some sick folks.

Okay, Granny, see you later.

I need you to drive me.

I'm sorry, Granny, I
got a emergency here.

What emergency?

I'm trying to keep
from starving to death.

You can eat later. Come on.

But, Granny, I
haven't eaten in... Now!

And bring my doctor's bag.

Yes, ma'am, I'm coming.

You may go in now.

Examination Room C.

Uh, Mr. Booth, I'm
afraid the doctor

isn't going to have time
to see any salesmen today.

Oh, but I have to fly back
to San Francisco tonight.

Oh, Miss Murray,
would you get me

the Henderson X rays, please?

- Yes, Doctor.
- Thank you.

Oh, uh, Dr. Clyburn,

I-I'm from Hen-Cal
Pharmaceuticals.

Another time, please,
I've had a hard day.

But I have this new combiotic...

Another time.

SALESMAN: I've been trying
to see you for several days.

CLYBURN: I'm busy.

SALESMAN: But just take a look

at my tetracycline combiotic.

I haven't time. Show
it to another doctor.

I've been to every
doctor in the building.

- You're the last one.
- Then come back tomorrow.

SALESMAN: Tomorrow is too late.

I'll be gone.

That's your problem.

You poor man.

I heard what he said to you.

But all doctors
are not like him.

What is it you
wanted to show him?

I have an advanced
tetracycline combiotic.

Lord love you.

But I got something
that'll ease your pain.

Ah!

You'll have to
come to my office.

I can't come to your office.

Fetch him, lunch-mouth.

There's no time to lose.

Hey! What about my case?

I'm taking it.

Dr. Clyburn!

Aha.

That little broomstick
jockey is practicing medicine.

I warned you, Drysdale.

I warned you, Miss Hathaway.

Somebody is in big trouble.

That's you, Miss Hathaway.

Oh, howdy, Dr. Clyburn.

You want to see Dr. Granny?

You bet I do.

Well, just take a seat.

She's busy right now.

You, too, Mr. Drysdale,
Miss Jane.

You tell her I want
to see her, and I mean

I want to see her now!

What's all the
commotion out here?

Oh, it's you.

Come to apologize, did you?

I came to see
that you go to jail.

And all I need is for
you to sign a complaint.

Oh, I have no complaint.

I've just been made
west coast distributor

for the first cold cure
in medical history.

You bean-brain, there is
no cure for the common cold.

- Granny's got one.
- I don't believe it.

My hand on the book.

It ain't failed in 45 years.

Well, Clyburn, wait until
the papers get hold of this.

"Doctor tries to
suppress cold cure."

Wait a minute.

There'll be no publicity.

She really has
an effective cure?

One spoonful is all it takes.

Oh.

Then I'll tell you what.

If Granny will
give up this office,

I'll forget about everything
that's happened up until now.

It's a deal.

But first of all, I
want to find out more

about this cold cure.

- Come down to my office, Roy.
- Yeah...

Oh, okay, Milburn.

I'll be right with you.

Don't forget, I have
exclusive distribution.

Granny, I apologize.

This morning I
didn't believe you.

Your cold cure really works?

Positively, if you
follow directions.

By the way, what
are the directions?

Take one spoonful of cold cure,

eat sensible, get lots of
rest, and drink plenty of water.

And in a week or ten
days, your cold will be gone.

A week or ten days?

That's all it takes.

Ain't failed in 45 years.

Can we go back in your office?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
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