04x16 - The Richest Woman

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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04x16 - The Richest Woman

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

I love this house, Doug.

It's perfect for small,
impromptu parties.

I'm going to buy it.

That front lawn needs something.

A fountain with a statue.

What's that statue by
Rodin that I like so much?

- The Kiss.
- Buy it.

- I don't think it's for sale.
- Buy it!

Well, howdy, folks.

What can I do for you?

That's Tracy Richards.

The Tracy Richards.

She likes the house.

Well, ain't that nice?

I'm Miss Richards' secretary.

If the owner's
on the premises...

- Doug.
- Yes?

The chandelier can stay,

but this whole wall comes out.

What dreadful drapes.

Yes, I think this will
work out rather nicely.

Well, ma'am, I'm
right pleased...

Is there an elevator?

Well, no, ma'am.
Generally we just...

Doug, what's the
name of the decorator

- who did my first villa in Portofino?
- Scarpitta.

- Guglielmo Scarpitta.
- Yes. Fly him over.

- He's just right for this place.
- Very well.

Who's them gomers, Jed?

Dogged if I know.

What do they want?

Don't know that either for sure.

They asked if we had a elevator.

Could be they's selling 'em.

Tell 'em we don't need one.

So far I ain't been able to
get a "howdy do" in edgeways.

Awful! Perhaps this
wall could come out, too.

We'll see what
Guglielmo says. Let's go.

Don't you want to see
any more of the house?

No need to. I like it.

We's real pleased
that you like...

Doug, we're going to
be late for the art auction,

- and I must have that Marto. Now, hurry.
- Very well.

Can you tell me
who owns this house?

- Jed owns it.
- Mr. Jed?

- Jed Clampett, but...
- Thank you very much.

Miss Richards is
buying the house.

Ten, 20, 30 dollars.

Is this all they're
offering for the place?

I don't hardly think so.

I don't know
what we paid for it,

but I believe that
it would top this.

Hey, I bet you sure got
a engine in this rascal.

- Can I take a look?
- Step aside, please.

We're in a hurry.

Just a minute! My
fingers is caught!

For you, boy.

Hold on, folks!

Uncle Jed, look
what they give me.

Hey, Granny, they
just upped it to $40!

Doug, what is the delay?

- Have you concluded the deal?
- Well, no. You see, uh...

How long does it
take to buy a mansion?

Get it done. I'm double-parked.

I-I'm afraid the Clampett
estate is not for sale.

Do you know who I am?

Well, I know you're one of
the richest women in the world.

Not one of the
richest, the richest.

And when I choose to buy
something, it becomes for sale.

Well, you see, Mr. Drysdale,
who handles the business affairs

for the Clampett
family, is out of town.

Summon him.

He-He's traveling by
car, but he should...

(phone rings)

Oh, excuse me.

That's Mr. Drysdale's
private line.

He should be back
tonight or tomorrow.

I'm not waiting until
tonight or tomorrow.

- I want that mansion today. Now!
- But...

- Let's go talk to the owner.
- We have.

When?

This morning... the man
who met us at the door.

You're joking.

That rural Rasputin
was... J.D. Clampett.

Well, this is
going to be simple.

Get the papers ready.

Howdy, ma'am.

Hello, Mr. Clampett.

- I suppose you know who I am.
- You bet I do.

You're the lady
come out this morning,

wanting to buy the place.

I'm Tracy Richards.

The Tracy Richards.

Yeah, that's
what the fella said.

Uh, unusual first name, "Thee."

Oh, speaking about that fella...

he left us these
four ten-dollar bills.

Would you please see
that he gets 'em back?

Stupid man...
I'll discharge him.

Oh, no, it's a mistake
anybody could've made.

He didn't know how much
land went with the place.

Mr. Clampett, I'll
get right to the point.

How much money have
you got in this house?

Well, I don't know right off.

Uh, Granny's got
some in the cookie jar

and probably a
little in her mattress.

I got a few dollars
in my good pants.

You like jokes, don't you?

Yeah, if they're
good. You got one?

I didn't come here to be funny.

Well, so far you got
nothing to worry about.

Sit down, sit down.

Like to whittle?

(chuckling): No, thank you.

Now, let's dispense
with the small talk.

- I like this house.
- So do we.

A funny thing. When we moved in,

we didn't care too much
about it, especially Granny,

but it kind of growed on us.

Mr. Clampett, I'm
willing to pay your price.

For what?

For this house, this estate.

Oh, well, we ain't
looking to sell.

I don't want to
bargain with you.

I want to buy this house.

Yeah, but, like I say,
ma'am, we ain't looking to sell.

But you don't understand.

Money is no object.

I'll give you a blank check.

Well, ma'am, if I'd
turn down $40 cash,

I sure ain't gonna
take no blank check.

- You're deliberately being facetious!
- (stamps foot)

- I am?
- No one treats me like this, no one!

Like what, ma'am?

I always get what I want,
and I'm going to get this house!

Not for $40, you ain't.

Especially with them manners.

Doggone it, she got away!

- And I wanted to meet up with her.
- Forget it, boy.

She hangs a mite too
high on the limb for you.

That woman come back, huh?

Did you sell the house, Pa?

Nope. She done a lot of talking,

but she didn't
raise her price none.

That's a city woman for
you, all cackle and no eggs.

I feel kind of sorry
for her in a way.

She's got a million-dollar itch
and only $40 to scratch it with.

He actually defied me!

Worse than that, I think
he was laughing at me.

That bumpkin! That hayseed!

Oh, Doug, what are you doing?

I've been on the
phone, Miss Richards.

I've checked every
source I know.

There just isn't much
on Mr. Clampett.

Well, I don't need
much to ruin him.

- What clubs does he belong to?
- None.

- What corporations is he connected with?
- None.

- Well, he must do something.
- He whittles a lot.

- I know that.
- Uh, Miss Richards, there must be hundreds

of beautiful mansions
in Beverly Hills.

- Now, why not...?
- But I want that one,

and no bearded hick is going
to keep me from getting it.

Well, this bearded hick
is pretty independent.

You might finally have found
a man that you can't buy.

Everyone has a price.

- And what else did you find out about him?
- Not much.

He's a widower, completely
devoted to his family...

His family.

Tell me about them.

Well, first of all,
there's Granny.

I'm sorry Jed ain't here,

but he got this phone call
to come down to the bank.

Yes, I know.

You do?

I think you mentioned it to me.

I'm sorry to miss him, but it's
given me a wonderful opportunity

to get acquainted with you
and see your lovely home.

Oh, well, like I told you,
it ain't my home, it's Jed's,

and I don't think he's
got a mind to sell it.

You know, they say a
house takes on the personality

of those who live
in it, and this one

has certainly taken on
your charming personality.

- Really?
- And that of your beautiful daughter.

Oh, Elly May ain't my daughter.

She's my granddaughter.

You're teasing me.

You can't be a grandmother.

Oh, but I am.

Ain't I, Elly?

Yes'm.

But you're so young.

I'm older than I look.

Ain't I, Elly?

Yes'm.

Get that varmint
out of my kitchen!

Yes, ma'am. Come on, Elmer.

You don't see many pet raccoons.

I do.

That girl's got
a pet everything.

I never seen anyone
so critter crazy.

Must be quite a problem for you.

Oh, you don't know the
problems that I've got.

But, then, you don't
want to hear about that.

- But I do.
- Well, I don't blame you.

- You do?
- I do.

Well, sit down, sit down.

- Let me take your coat.
- Thank you.

- TRACY (sighing): Oh...
- My!

That's a nice soft hide.

Where'd it come from?

I believe that came
from Bergdorf's.

Sure is nice.

Would you like some coffee,

or do you like your
trouble straight?

Coffee would be nice.

Yeah, it would.

But I just remembered
that's one of my problems.

Jethro forgot to
go to the store.

How would you like
a little bite to eat?

Oh, well, fine,
if it's no trouble.

No trouble at all.

I just happen to have
some nice cold possum

and gopher gravy in the icebox.

Oh, Granny, uh, I have an idea.

Let's go to my
hotel for a snack,

where we can have
some coffee, too.

Well, that would be nice.

I ain't never been
to a big city hotel.

- I'd better get spruced up.
- No, you look fine,

and maybe Elly
would like to join us.

I know she would.

Elly May, shed that critter!

Come on! We're gonna
have vittles at the big city hotel!

I'll get my sweater.

Granny...

let me make you a
present of this coat.

Oh, no, no, no, I
couldn't let you do that.

I really would like
for you to have it.

No, I wouldn't
want you to do it.

- Please.
- No, now, nothing doing.

Hot dog, she's back!

Well, Jethro!

Granny, where'd
you get the coat?

Miss Richards
give it to me. Feel it.

Mm, what kind of hide is it?

Comes from a critter
called a Bergdorf.

Well, this handsome
young man must be Jethro.

Say hello, Jethro.

Hello, Jethro.

(sighs) Where's Jed?

Who?

Your Uncle Jed! Where is he?

Uh, I-I left him at the bank.

I think.

Well, we's going to
Miss Richards' hotel

to have vittles.

Would you like
to join us, Jethro?

Boy, I'll say.

Come on.

You and me can sit up
on the bench and talk.

Granny, why don't
we take my car?

Good view from up there.

But I've seen everything.

All right.

I'll see what's keeping Elly.

Elly May!

Come on!

Jethro, would you
like to drive my car?

Would I?

(engine starts)

Where's Jethro going?

I don't know, he...
he just drove away.

He'll be back.

He don't know where
we're going for vittles.

He loves to drive, doesn't he?

Wait till you see him eat.

I'm back. Any calls?

Okay, thank you.

Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.

Mr. Clampett.

Well, how long
have you been here?

Well, quite a spell.

- I come soon as I got the call.
- What call?

Well, you see,
this feller called up

and said Mr. Drysdale
wanted to see me.

That's strange.

Mr. Drysdale is out of town.

Hmm, must've heard him wrong.

Oh, incidentally,
uh, you-you may be

hearing from a
Miss Tracy Richards.

She's, uh, she's very
anxious to buy your house.

Oh, yeah, she already
come to see me.

I got her money right
here in my pocket.

You didn't sell?!

No, ma'am, all she
offered was $40.

$40?

Yeah, she started off
with $30 and come up ten.

(laughs) Oh, well, b-b-but
there must be some mistake.

Tracy Richards
has scads of money.

Well, I reckon she spent
it all on that fancy car.

Hardly. She inherited one
of the world's great fortunes.

Uh, Richards Shipping,
Richards Hotel, Richards Steel,

lumber, paper, electronics.

You name it, she's got it.

Well, she sure ain't
turning loose much of it.

Miss Hathaway?

Uh, in here, Chief.

You're back early.

Yes, I... Mr. Clampett.

Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

What a delightful surprise
to find you here in my...

There's nothing wrong, is there?

No, Miss Jane and me was
just talking about that woman

who wants to buy my house.

Buy your house?

Have no fear, Chief,
we both turned her down.

Wonderful, wonderful.

I'd rather lose an arm than
my good neighbor here.

Who was the woman?

Tracy Richards.

Well, if she thinks
she's going to get

Mr. Clampett's house,
she's got another...

The Tracy Richards?

That's the one.

Uncommon first name, ain't it?

Richards Shipping, hotels,

steel, lumber,
paper, electronics?

That's the one.

The richest girl in the world.

Oh, oh.

Now, calm down, Mr. Drysdale.

I told her nothing doing.

But if she really
wants the house...

Chief!

Well, I always thought
that house was too big

for Granny to take care of.

All the scrubbing and cleaning,

and it is a little
damp and cold.

I thought you didn't want
to lose us as neighbors.

Well, I don't, I don't.

You can move into my house.

What'll you and
Mrs. Drysdale do?

We'll sleep in the garage.

I can pitch a tent, dig a
cave, build a tree house.

There must be some way
to get the Richards account

and still keep everybody happy!

Oh, electronics, shipping,
hotels, steel, paper,

hundreds of millions...

Is he gonna be all
right, Miss Jane?

Oh, yes, he's just
overly tired from the trip.

I'll, I'll give him
some money to count.

That always soothes him.

(horn honking)

What in tarnation?

Where you all been?

We been to Miss
Tracy's for vittles.

Ate up in the penthouse
on what you call the terrace.


Yeah, we could see for miles.

Just like being back
in the mountains.

You ain't never seen so
much food in all your born days.

I had 14 helpings.

Whole string of fellas
just wheeling it in

and wheeling it out.

No dishes to wash.

Nothing to do except
poke at the vittles.

Waited on hand and foot.

Sure beats working
your fingers to the bone

in this old rock pile.

Sure does.

I'll say.

We should be thankful Miss Tracy

wants to take it
off of our hands.

JETHRO: Nicest woman
that ever drawed a breath.

Regular angel.

Salt of the earth.

Jed, you haven't said anything

about our new duds.

Yeah, how do we look?

Bought and paid for.

What?

You get into this
car, all of you,

and take this stuff
back where you...

Uncle Jed...

excuse me, you're getting
fingerprints all over my car.

Your car?

Yes, sir, my
sweetheart give it to me.

Sweetheart?

You mean Miss Richards?

I am plumb out of
my skull about her.

Out of your skull is right.

I think all three of you's
popped your stoppers.

Jed, what do you got
agin this sweet lady?

Can't you see she's just using
you to get what she wants?

She is the most
willful, headstrong,

spoiled-rotten
woman that I've...

Uncle Jed?

I'll have to ask you
not to talk that way

about the woman
that I'm gonna marry.

That tears it.

Jethro, get in there and
get her on the phone.

Now, remember, she's all mine.

Yeah, yeah, come
on, I'll remember.

Get in there and
get her on the phone.

Hey, and-and...
and no bird-dogging.

Get on!

TRACY: Isn't it exquisite, Doug?

And I stole it for only $90,000.

I'm going to hang it in the
drawing room of the mansion,

where those hillbillies have
that feed store calendar.

I must admit, Miss Richards,
that you have three of them

won over, but let me
point out to you again,

it takes Mr. Clampett's
signature to make...

(phone rings)

That will be Mr. Clampett
calling right now.

- Well...
- I'll take it.

(phone continues ringing)

Hello there.

TRACY: Hello?

Hello, who is this?

This-this is your sweetie.

It's the human dispose-all.

Hello, handsome.

(Jethro whimpers)

Give me that.

Hello, Miss Richards?

This here is Jed
Clampett speaking.

Oh, hello, Mr. Clampett.

I'm so glad you called.

I'm very anxious to talk to you.

Yes, ma'am. Well, uh, I got a
few words to say to you, too.

(over phone): Now, if
you think for a minute

you can bribe... hello?

Hello?

JED (distorted):
I said, if you think

for one minute you can bri...

Sounds like we got
a bad connection.

Yes, it's terrible.

JED: I'll call you back.

Well, I'm afraid it's my phone.

It's been acting
this way for days.

If you really want to talk,

I think you'd better
come over here.

JED: Well, I can...

It's the penthouse
of the Richards-Plaza.

Bye.

(sighs)

Type out the sales
agreement, fill the fountain pen,

ice a bottle of
champagne, and get lost.

Did we get away, Elly?

Well, I reckon.

Who was we running from?

From your pa.

He was making noises like he
wanted to take this stuff back.

Sure hope he sells
Miss Tracy this old house.

Me, too.

We could live like
kings and queens

in that hotel of her'n.

Yeah, servants to do everything.

Yeah, no beds to make.

No floors to scrub.

No garden to hoe.

No yards to rake.

No meals to cook.

No kitchen to clean.

No critters to look after.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Elly?

Yeah, Granny?

I don't want to
live in no hotel.

Me neither.

Let's take this stuff back.

Good idea, but we got
to take it back clean.

Get the washer to going.

- (buzzing)
- Just a moment.

(easy listening music playing)

(buzzing)

Coming.

Come right in.

Thank you, Miss Richards.

Who are you?

Milburn Drysdale, President
of the Commerce Bank

of Beverly Hills.

You know, it's
kind of dark in here.

I'll open the drapes so we
can see what we're doing.

Now, wait a minute.

What do you want?

Well, there's a
piece of property

you are interested in acquiring,

and as a depositor in my bank,

I will use my influence
in your behalf.

But I'm not a
depositor in your bank.

Yes. Well, that's what
I'm here to talk about.

Now, I have taken
the liberty of analyzing

your financial situation...

Uh... could we
have a little light?

Get out of here. I'm
expecting company.

But I have a plan
whereby you can acquire

the Clampett mansion.

So do I, and
you're gonna ruin it.

- Now take this and...
- (buzzing)

Oh, no.

Get in there, and if
you make one sound,

I'll buy your bank
and burn it down.

What?

(buzzing)

(pants)

Who is it?

JED: Jed Clampett, ma'am.

Oh, Mr. Clampett, how
nice of you to come.

We have so much to talk about.

Well, uh, won't take me
long to speak my piece, I...

Well, you haven't even told me

how you like my
little place here.

Well, it's right nice,
what I can see of it.

You could knock a few
windows in it, though.

What a marvelous idea.

Thank you.

Now, ma'am, I come
here to talk about

all that stuff you
give my family.

I don't hold with that,

and every bit of
it is coming back.

You know, when you're angry,

your eyes flash blue fire.

It ain't that I...
I don't hold...

They do?

I'll put out the fire.

You ain't gonna
put it out like that.

Oh, let's be friends.

You're going about
that the right way.

Uncle Jed!

You're stealing my woman.

No, I ain't.

I'm not your woman.

See? You already stole her.

Jethro, get out of here.

You're going to
spoil everything.

Mr. Drysdale.

How many men you got
around here, anyhow?

Two more than I need.

Just for that, I ain't
gonna marry you.

You're too fickle.

You can have your
old car back, too.

Miss Richards, here's
the things you give us.

We wanted to fetch
'em back to you clean,

but they wouldn't take
a washing worth shucks,

specially this feathered shawl.

Yeah, Granny's lye
soap just took the stripes

right off this here zebra.

So, I didn't want
to take a chance

and wash the spots
off of this Bergdorf.

Thank you.

Let's go home, huh?

Yeah, Jed, don't sell our house.

Never aimed to.

Miss Richards, you're welcome
to come visit us any time.

- Yeah, forget it.
- Just trying to be friendly.

Now, you'll forgive me if I
don't show you to the door.

Come on, family.

I think it's time we go home.

(sighs)

Now, then, about
this plan of mine...

You, too. Out!

Not that way.

That way!

Miss Richards, that's 30 floors!

Happy landing.

Listen...

if I do jump, will you open
an account in my bank?

Miss Richards? Miss Richards?

Please, Miss Richards.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
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