♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Come on, lazybones, get moving!
Granny!
It's too early for
spring housecleaning.
'Tain't, neither. The
sun's pretty near up.
I mean it ain't even spring yet.
I decide when it's
spring around here.
Now, I want every stick of
furniture out on that lawn.
All 32 rooms?
That's right.
Out where the fresh air and
sunshine can get to them.
Where's Jed and Elly?
I don't know, but I
wish I was with them.
Quick, Pa, let's skedaddle!
Granny's starting
spring housecleaning,
and she's done caught Jethro.
Wait a minute...
it ain't spring.
But she moved it up on us again.
Better hurry... Jethro's
toting out the first load.
I got to do something
to stop that little woman
from k*lling herself
and us in the bargain,
trying to clean this big house
the way she done the cabin.
Well, maybe you
can get her to change.
Yes, just like I can get
the sun to set in the east.
There's one thing I can do.
What's that?
See to it she ain't got
as much house to empty.
I'll talk to Mr. Drysdale...
Jed! Elly May!
Spring cleaning again!
Come on outside!
Outside?
Ah-ha!
I fooled you.
Pa?
I'll be back.
Slacker!
What kind of idiot bangs
on the door at
6:00 in the morning?
I'm coming!
You... are Mr. Clampett.
And it's wonderful to see you.
Come in.
I'm sorry... it looks
like I got you out of bed.
Me?
Don't be silly. I've
been up for hours.
Why, it's... 6:00.
Yeah, I figured even
city folks couldn't lay
- in bed no longer than that.
- Oh, no, no, no.
This is the best
part of the day.
A fellow is full of
energy and vitality.
Mind is sharp.
Sit down.
Ah. Ah.
Now, what can I do for you?
Well, Mr. Drysdale, I tell you.
You see, back in the
hills, things would stay
pretty well closed
up all winter.
So, come spring housecleaning
time, we'd tote everything
outside in the
sunshine and fresh air
and Granny would scrub
the place down from...
Mr. Drysdale?
Mr. Drysdale?
Huh?
Oh! Oh.
You sure I didn't
get you up too early?
No, no, no, no, no.
I-I concentrate better with
my head down like that.
You go right ahead.
My mind is like a steel trap.
Well, as I was saying, when
we moved into the big place
next door, Granny being
Granny, she kept right on
doing her spring
housecleaning the same way.
First year, we must
have had four acres
of furniture setting
around outside.
I still run onto a sofa or a
chair every now and then
out in the heavy brush.
Mr. Drysdale?
Mr. Drysdale?
You better close
that steel trap.
You're gonna catch
something in it.
Oh, oh!
What happened?
You was concentrating again.
Oh, oh, yes.
Continue, continue.
Well, to cut through the cloth
and get right to the cheese,
it ain't likely we's gonna
change Granny's ways at her age,
so I figure the
thing for us to do
is to get a small house
somewhere and move.
- Move?!
- Yeah.
Some little place
out in the country
that Granny can keep
up without too much work.
Please, Mr. Clampett,
you can't move.
It'll break my bank... heart.
Your friends, neighbors.
Oh, yeah, you and your
missus are fine neighbors,
as city folks go, but
what Granny needs
is some country women around,
somebody her own age to talk to.
Somebody she can
have quilting bees with,
molasses stir-offs,
hog rendering.
Now, listen, Mr. Clampett.
At this moment my wife is in
New York buying some gowns,
but as soon as she gets back,
I'm sure she'll want
to have Granny over
for a hog rendering
and a quilting stir-off.
- Molasses.
- No, no! I mean it.
Mr. Drysdale,
you're a fine fella,
but I have got to get
Granny out of that mansion.
It's just too much housework.
Well, now you just leave
everything to me, Mr. Clampett.
I'm going to put the
old steel trap to work.
Now, let's see.
What's the old
steel trap's number?
Hathaway, Hathaway...
Oh, Uncle Jed, I'm
glad you're back.
Granny's been driving
me into the ground.
Well, cheer up, boy.
Mr. Drysdale and
me is working on this.
You're working? I done all
this, and I got 27 rooms to go.
I mean we's been working on ways
to stop all this
furniture moving.
I got a way.
Let's set fire to it.
I believe we can best that.
Sit down.
Now, I got a plan,
but first we got to
prime Granny a mite.
What you mean?
Well, we got to make her think
that she's gettin' a little bit
too old for all this heavy work.
I see.
And we got to be
real sly about it.
Just the slightest little hint,
and she'll take the
bait and run with it.
Oh, I catch on. Smart.
Use our heads.
That's right. Now
I'll go let Elly in on it.
Now, remember,
when you see Granny,
just nudge her with the notion
that you have seen her
looking a mite spryer.
Oh, you can count
on me, Uncle Jed.
Jethro, get in here!
I'm coming, Granny!
- Take this out next.
- Okay.
Holy smoke, you look awful!
What?
You are ready for the boneyard.
I ain't never seen
anybody look so miserable.
Is my face smudged or something?
No, it ain't no smudge.
It's your skin.
You mean I'm commencing
to show my age a mite?
You'll never live to
be as old as you look.
My skin's all
brown and wrinkled.
Oh, I'm looking in the back.
Don't look in the front!
That'll really scare you.
Do I look that old?
I seen one thing look older...
but it had moss growing on it.
Say, Granny, how long ago was
this here spinning wheel made?
Oh, that's got to be at least
150 years old.
Mm. What'd you use
before you got this?
Well, I guess I... What?
Oh, sorry, Granny.
Just a minute!
How old do you think I am?
I don't know.
How old are you?
I don't know neither for sure.
Well, I know how you can tell.
How?
Well, just find out
how old the hills are,
'cause everybody
says you as old as them.
Jed, do you know
for sure how old I am?
Well, no, Granny, but it
ought to be easy to find out.
Just write home to
somebody your own age.
Let's see, now, there's, uh...
No, he's gone.
How about, uh...?
No, she went to her
reward years ago.
Must be somebody still around.
Tell you what... I'll
study on it, Granny.
In the meantime, you'd
better get cracking.
- You got 32 rooms to scrub down.
- Jed?
Maybe I had ought to put
off spring housecleaning
for a spell.
Put it off?
Well, I did jump the g*n a mite.
It ain't really spring yet.
True.
In fact, I think I'll
rest for a little bit.
Right now.
Good idea.
Hmm.
Where have you been?!
Why aren't you ever
around when I need you?
Chief, I got here as
quickly as possible.
I was in bed when you called.
In bed?
Well, it was 6:00 a.m.
At 6:00 a.m., I was already
having my first conference.
- Really?
- Yes!
That's why I'm
president of the bank
and you're just a secretary.
I'm up with the chickens
and you sleep all day.
Chief, it is 6:30.
All right, you can work
late tonight and make it up.
Now, here's the situation.
Jed Clampett thinks
Granny's working too hard
so he wants to move to a
smaller home in the country.
A very sensible idea.
And you want me to look for one?
No, I want you to
look for a new job.
I don't understand.
I'll say you don't!
I don't have a
bank in the country.
Well, Chief, just
because they move
doesn't mean they'd
move their money.
Miss Hathaway, we don't
take chances with $50 million.
I want them right next door
where I can keep an eye on them.
Well, in that case
there's only one solution.
We'll have to get someone
to do the work for Granny.
Now you're talking.
Grab a scrub bucket
and get over there.
Me?!
Well, you know Granny
doesn't like strangers around.
But, Chief, I am a highly
skilled executive secretary.
I'm not paid to do housework.
Yes, you're right.
Okay, while you're there,
you'll be on half salary.
Granny?
Oh, yeah, Jed, I'm rested now.
I'm gonna get up.
No, no, stay right
where you are.
I want to talk to you.
What about?
Well, Granny, I think
it's time you faced the fact
that this house is
too much for you.
It is a powerful burden.
But then I'm used to work, Jed.
I've never knowed nothing else.
Well, that's just it.
You've earned a rest.
That's not for me, Jed.
My rest will come
when they lay me
in that pine box.
Well, I got a idea
where we could get you
some rest before then.
I'd like to know how.
Well, first off,
we got to get you
out of this 32-room backbreaker.
Where would I go?
Well, Granny, somewhere
out in the country
there's a home
just waiting for you.
In the country?
Yeah, someplace where
you don't have to work so hard,
where you got
friendly neighbors,
folks your own age to talk to.
Jed, you're fixing to send me
to the old folks home.
No, I ain't.
Yes, you are.
I ain't, neither.
Yes, you are.
Granny, I ain't no such a thing.
- You swear it?
- I swear it.
- Yes, you are.
- Uncle Jed.
- Yeah, boy?
- Jethro! Jethro!
Save me, Jethro. Save me!
From what?
Your Uncle Jed wants to send me
- to the old folks home.
- Granny...
Oh, so that's the plan you
was getting her primed for?
No, it ain't.
Yes, it is.
I slow down one year
and you're gonna throw
me on the scrap heap.
- Well, you're awful old, Granny.
- Boy!
You're not just over the hill.
- You're down in the holler.
- Jethro!
How's that for
hinting, Uncle Jed?
Boy, go get the truck.
We're going to take
Granny out in the country.
No, Jed, please.
Granny, I just want to
show you what I got in mind.
I don't want to see it!
I'm too young to go
to the old folks home!
Are you kidding?
Get the truck.
Please, Jed, please.
Give me another chance.
I'll clean the whole
house all by myself!
- Now, Granny...
- I'll show you!
I'm just as spry as I ever was!
Granny, you want me to...?
Give me that and
get out of my way!
Did you see that?
Uncle Jed, she
sure ain't acting old.
You reckon I was
too sly with my hints?
That must be it, yeah.
I'll go give her some clinchers.
You'll be lucky
just to catch her.
- Found her, Pa.
- How is she?
She's awful stove up.
I don't wonder... She
mopped the whole downstairs.
And all the sidewalks
she could get at.
She even mopped
around the cement pond.
Yonder she lays.
Wore the mop clean
down to the nub.
I'm as spry as I ever was, Jed.
Sure you are, Granny.
I can't get her fingers
loose from the mop.
There go her legs again.
Grab her legs, Elly.
Now, let go of the mop, Granny.
Make me some suds.
I'll commence on upstairs.
Take it easy.
Elly May, you stay here
and take care of her.
Jethro and me will go out
in the country and
see if we can find...
No, Jed!
Ain't I showed you I
can still earn my keep?
Well, that's just it, Granny.
You can't keep on
working this hard.
Yes, I can. I got
my second wind.
I'll commence on upstairs.
Now, easy does it.
No, Jed, don't send me away.
Nobody wants to
send you away, Granny.
We're just looking for a little
place where we can all move in.
I don't believe you.
It looks like it's gonna
take showing her.
Go put her on the truck.
Jethro, fetch her.
No, you don't!
We'll never catch her now.
She's done made it
to the heavy brush.
You get Duke and track her down.
Jethro and me'll
head for the country
and scout out a place
or two to show her.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Ah, here's Mr. Drysdale.
Why aren't you over
at the Clampetts,
helping with the housecleaning?
Let me explain.
I am not qualified,
it would be only a
temporary solution,
I was able to get
Mrs. Mack here,
who comes highly recommended.
Baloney. A strange woman
like that wouldn't last five minutes.
Now, send her back
where she came from
and you get up there
and you start help...
Who you calling strange?
Huh?
Mrs. Mack, please!
I... I didn't mean "strange."
I meant "stranger."
You see, the Clampetts
are very unusual people,
and I just don't think
you could please them.
- No?
- On the other hand, of course,
with your winning ways and...
sweet personality...
Miss Hathaway, take this
lovely lady up to the Clampetts
and see that she's made welcome.
I'll certainly do
my best, Chief.
Don't fail.
I hold you personally
responsible
for her happiness
and well-being.
That old hound dog'll
never see the day
he can find this old fox.
Well, that's strange.
The place seems deserted.
I'll tell you what...
You wait here
and I'll go upstairs and
see if I can find Granny.
Who are you?
Ma'am?
Mrs. Mack. Who are you?
I'm Granny.
Oh, you're the one
they're looking for.
Yeah, they're gonna
send me away,
but I'll show them that I
can still clean this house.
Oh, no. That's my job now.
What?
I'm the new housekeeper.
They didn't even
give me a chance.
Well, you tell them
that they ain't gonna put
me in no old folks home.
I'm leaving.
And they'll never see me again.
They'll just find my bleached
bones out on the desert
where I d*ed from
hunger and thirst.
Well... hunger anyway.
Hold them doors open, soldier!
Coming in to get my money.
Yes, Margaret, of course, I'm
happy to have you back home,
but I'm busy now, dear.
My secretary's gone and...
I'll call you back, sweetheart.
Of course I do!
There.
Hello?
Miss Hathaway.
Why aren't you back
here where you belong?!
Well-well, Chief, I'm
afraid there's a crisis here
at the Clampetts'.
Mrs. Mack took one look at
the size of this house and quit.
Now we have to find
another housekeeper.
I just found her.
Get busy with that scrub bucket.
Granny.
What can I do for you?
You can put my share of Jed's
money in that wheelbarrow.
I'm going back home to
the hills to be laid away.
What?
I was gonna die on the desert,
and then I decided
I'd go back home
and be buried proper.
Come on, load it up!
But, Granny, your share
of Mr. Clampett's money
would come to
almost $13 million.
Yeah.
That ought to buy me
one humdinger of a funeral.
Now, Granny, you're
just a little tired.
Why don't I let Perkins drive
you back up to the house, eh?
No, you won't!
They want to get rid of me!
Who does?
Jed and the young'uns.
I give them the
best years of my life,
and now they're throwing
me on the scrap heap.
Surely not!
Yeah.
I'm just a poor ol'
worn out bag of bones.
I can't believe that.
It's true... My own
kinfolks don't want me
just 'cause I slowed up a little
and I can't clean the
house like I used to.
Why, that's ridiculous.
I just wish I had someone
like you to clean my house.
You do?
You bet.
You got me!
Call your wife and tell her
- I'll be right over!
- My wife?
This'll prove to Jed that I
ain't ready for the boneyard.
But I... I'll clean
that house of yours
till it shines like a
bright new penny.
- But...
- Call Mrs. Drysdale.
Tell her to commence
toting the stuff outside.
Have her set it
in the front yard
so it'll get plenty of
fresh air and sunshine.
I'll be over there in a jiffy.
No, no, Granny, wait.
On second
thought, I think that...
No, no, what I mean is...
What you mean is that...
you don't need me, neither.
Come on, load that up!
I'm going back to
my final resting place.
Now, Granny, you
didn't let me finish.
What I meant was I need you
here more than I do at home.
In the bank?
Yes, of course.
You see, with Miss
Hathaway away,
I'm up to my ears...
See, there's the phone
and no one to answer it.
Oh, you poor man.
Hello!
Mr. Drysdale's office,
Secretary Granny speaking.
Oh, howdy, Mrs. Drysdale.
Your husband was
just telling me how bad
- your house needs cleaning.
- No, wait!
Margaret, I-I told
you I'd call you back.
Yes, I'll explain everything
when I get home, dear.
Now, please, I told you I did!
Well, all right.
Shame on you!
Flirting with your
new secretary already.
Nothing, dear.
I'll explain it all later.
Duke and me's
covered that holler
in more ways than
kraut lays in a barrel.
Never did pick up
Granny's trail again.
Likely she circled back.
Well, poor ol' Duke's
plumb ashamed of hisself.
We didn't do so good ourselves.
Couldn't y'all find a
place in the country?
We couldn't even
find the country.
I declare, Los Angeles just
never quits, does it, boy?
That's right.
We like to drove
the tires off the truck.
Boy, it sure makes
a fellow thirsty.
It does for a fact.
How about some milk?
No, thanks, Uncle Jed.
Just finished five bottles.
You can leave my
wheelbarrow out there, Perkins.
Thank you, madam.
It won't take me long
to change and pack up.
Sit down... There's
plenty of chairs.
Or lay down...
There's plenty of beds.
Oh, Granny, I'm
so glad you're back.
I'm afraid I'm not
very good at your job.
Well, I'm a
crackerjack at yours.
What?
Mr. Drysdale just made
me his new secretary.
I am now what you
call a career girl.
You are what you call potted.
- Give me that jug.
- Take it.
I ain't the kind of a girl
that drinks on the job.
What's this nonsense
about you getting a job?
Well, it beats getting put
into the old folks home.
Granny, I keep telling you
we ain't putting you
in the old folks home.
You bet you ain't, Charley!
I'm moving into
my own apartment.
Mr. Drysdale?
Your secretary's back!
Oh, thank goodness.
- Now, where is she?
- Right here.
Oh, I thought you meant
Miss Hathaway had come back.
Oh, she's got my old job.
Well, let's get to work.
Granny... Ah-ah-ah-ah!
None of that.
Don't let this dress
make you forget
you're a married man.
Granny, I've got a lot
of papers to get out.
Well, let's hop to it.
Do you know how to type?
I can learn.
Uh, press the button.
Am I typing?
Yeah.
I'll get the phone in my office.
Yonder she sets.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
She wasn't foolin'.
You folks have an appointment?
Miss Hathaway,
just hurry down here.
I'll figure out something
to do with Granny.
Now, please, I need you.
Mr. Drysdale?
Mr. Clampett, come in.
Well, I just wanted to thank
you for giving Granny a job.
It sure has perked her up.
My pleasure.
Oh, she's wonderful.
Matter of fact, she's
due for a promotion.
The dickens you say.
Granny, did you hear that?
Mr. Drysdale is giving
you a "per-motion."
That's right, Granny.
I'm moving you up to an office
on top of the whole building.
What'll I do up there?
You'll be vice
president in charge...
in charge of the whole building.
Yee-haw!
Well, doggies!
You heard me!
The whole building.
Everything out!
Keep it moving.
Keep moving. That's it.
Granny!
What are you doing?
Spring bank cleaning.
Now, open the vault.
The vault?
I want all that dirty
money out here
in the fresh air and sunshine.
Come on, everybody!
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪