04x27 - The Beautiful Maid

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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04x27 - The Beautiful Maid

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

I told Jethro to do that.

I know you did,
Granny, but he...

Cut me a hickory stick!

I'll learn him to
shirk his chores!

Granny, he done all the
other work you give him.

Then I'll give him some more.

Where is he?

Well, he was feeling
kind of restless,

so he took a
little trip into town.

Well, when he gets back,

he's gonna take a little
trip to the woodshed.

Now, Granny, it ain't that bad.

If a little drive down to
the drugstore'll get the burrs

out of his britches,
what's the harm?

'Cause he's turning into a
drugstore dude, that's the harm.

Laid in bed till
6:00 this morning.

I don't hardly think that
makes him a drugstore dude.

Hanging around
the drugstore does.

What's he want there anyway?

Well, just between us, I
think he's hoping to meet up

with some members
of the opposite sex.

Jethro?

He don't even know
what sex he's opposite.

Oh, I reckon he does.

If he had more chores to
do, he wouldn't have time

to think about girls.

Oh, I reckon he would.

Whose side you on?

Now, Granny, a boy has got to do

a certain amount
of girl-watching.

Once he gets it
out of his system,

he's ready to come
back and pitch in and...

Who's that?

I don't know, but he
sure is in an awful hurry.

It's Jethro.

Ain't she a beauty?

Wait till the girls see
me driving around in this.

Where'd you get it?

I got it at what you
call a "used car lot."

Salesman says
it's a real girl trap.

What'd you do with the truck?

I traded it for this.

What?

You traded your
ma's fine big truck

for this little
squashed down thing?

Uncle Jed, this here is a
$7,000 imported sports car.

How much they give you to boot?

They didn't give me nothing.

I owe them $7,000.

With the truck?

Oh, heck, no, I forgot.

With the truck I owe 'em 7,025.

Why, that don't make sense.

Oh, yes, it does.

The 25 is what they charged
to haul the truck away.

Jethro, how could you
make a deal like that?

Well, it wasn't easy.

I had to do some tall dickerin'.

Well, if you think I'm
gonna pay seven thousand...

Hey, now hold on, Uncle Jed.

I'm gonna pay
for this car myself.

How?

Well, that's where
my education pays off.

They let me figure out
my own financing plan.

All I got to do is pay
four dollars a week.

For how long?

Till 68.

Why, that's two years.

No, Granny, till I'm 68.

Jethro, you take this
thing back where you got it

and fetch home the truck.

Aw, Uncle Jed, girls
don't go for that truck.

But with this baby, I
can get me some action.

You get out to the woodshed.

I'll give you some
action! Get out!

Granny, I mean
some swinging action!

I want to be where
things are jumping!

Don't you worry... I'll be
swinging and you'll be jumping.

- Now get out! Here, I...
- Boy, you'd better get under way

before you and truck
both gets hauled away.

Aw, gee.

Y'all treat me like I'm a kid!

I'm a graduate
of the sixth grade!

There's what too much
education has done.

That and city living.

Now, Granny...

What he needs is work,
work and more work.

Chores from sunup till sundown!

That'll keep his
mind off the girls.

I don't believe there's enough
chores on this place to do that.

Then, when he's done here,
I'll hire him out to the Drysdales.

Now, Granny, let's
handle this ourselves.

Mr. Drysdale's got his hands
full with big important things.

Excuse me, Chief,
here are your files

- on the Mammoth Picture Studios.
- Mm? What for?

Why, your meeting
with Mr. Chapman.

I don't need those. All
I'm gonna do is fire him.

Why?

Two months ago, he brought
an actress over here from Sweden

and put her under
contract for $10,000 a week.

Oh, yes, Ulla Bergstrom.

I found out she's never
made a movie in her life.

No, but she was the sensation
of Europe in Chekhov's play

The Cherry Orchard, a-and she's
done some other fabulous things.

Well, she's doing one right
now, sitting up there at the studio

collecting $10,000
a week for nothing.

Well, Chief, it's her
first picture, and they just

haven't been able to
find the right script for her.

Well, I've got it right here.

It's called a one-way
ticket to Sweden.

On a tanker?

We're through squandering
money on that Swedish meatball.

Eight weeks at $10,000 a week...

Oh, wait till I get my
hands on Chapman.

Chief, he's making
movies, not packing crates.

He's dealing with
sensitive, creative artists.

You can't turn out dreams
on an assembly line.

Oh, baloney.

It's time someone
started running

the movie business
like a business.

Miss Hathaway?

Oh, come in,
Mr. Chapman, and sit down.

Stay on your feet.

This won't take long.

Now, I understand you've
had trouble finding something

- for your Swedish star to do.
- That's right.

Well, I've come up with
something that's perfect.

- It has travel, adventure...
- Sounds like just the ticket.

- Exactly. Now, you just...
- No, wait.

You can tell her
about it yourself.

I brought her along.

Come in, Miss Bergstrom.

Miss Ulla Bergstrom,
Miss Hathaway.

How do you do?

And here's the real
boss of the studio,

our banker,
Mr. Milburn Drysdale.

Mr. Drysdale.

It's a great pleasure.

I've heard such
wonderful things about you.

Mr. Drysdale has
an idea for you.

You have?

Oh-oh, that. F-Forget it.

It-It-It's terrible.

But don't you worry.

We'll have something
just right for you,

no matter how long it takes.

Mr. Chapman is about ready
to send me back to Sweden.

What?!

Eight weeks at $10,000 a week.

Larry, we're making
movies, not packing crates.

We're dealing with
sensitive, creative artists.

You can't turn out dreams
on an assembly line.

That was beautiful.

It just happens to
be the way I feel.

Now get busy and find
something worthy of her talent.

There's a part I'd love to play,

but Mr. Chapman does
not think I should attempt it.

- Oh, why not?
- Well, it's the part

of a poor
sharecropper's daughter.

She'd have to talk with
a backwoods accent.

I can do it. I know I can.

Oh, it's a real challenge.

Please give me the chance.

What's the problem, Chapman?

Can I speak to you alone?

Excuse us for a moment.

Make that h-half a moment.

Mr. Drysdale, she's from the
European school of realism.

She wants to go to the backwoods
to learn the authentic accent

and mannerisms before
we start the picture.

- So?
- So, that could take another three months,

and at $10,000 a
week, think it over.

Chief, I couldn't
help but overhear.

May I offer a possible solution?

- There isn't any.
- But there is.

Miss Bergstrom could
stay with the Clampetts

and learn the backwoods
accent and mannerisms

while she's filming the picture.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm!
- Oh!

Remind me to talk to
you later about a raise.

Well, I've solved the problem.

- You have?
- Yes, I've figured out a way

you can play the part without
delaying the picture one day.

- Oh!
- You're a genius.

- Oh, no, I'm not.
- Oh, yes, you are.

Oh... no, I'm not.

But you are.

- No.
- Milburn, you really are.

Let her talk me into it.

Hey, Jethro, wait'll
you see the chores

that Granny's got for you to do.

Oh, yeah? Well,
you can tell Granny

I'm running off to join the
French Foreign Legion.

Huh!

What's the French
Foreign Legion?

That's where you
go to forget a woman.

What woman do
you want to forget?

Granny.

How come it makes you forget?

'Cause you're out in
the middle of the desert

fighting and marching and
getting tromped on by camels

and dying of thirst
in the burning sand,

whilst the sun
scorches you to a cinder.

Well, how come you'd want
to go to a place like that?

Like I told you, to join
the French Foreign Legion.

But it sounds awful.

Elly, I don't make
the weather in France.

Dumb old girl.

Elly, was that Jethro we heard?

- Well, yes, sir, Pa.
- Where is he?

I got some chores
wrote down for him.

Well, he says he ain't gonna
do no more chores, Granny.

- Says he's running off.
- What?!

Cut me a hickory stick.

I'm gonna smoke
his hocks until he...

Now, Granny, we don't
want to be in the midst

of a family ruckus

just when that poor little
Bergstrom girl gets here.

Is she just awful poor, Pa?

Well, I kind of figure
she must be, Elly;

otherwise, Mr. Drysdale wouldn't
have asked us to put her up.

I wonder why he ain't
putting her up at his place.

Well, probably because
we've been through

just what she's facing: being
strangers in Beverly Hills.

And that's a miserable feeling.

Even worse for her...
She's from a foreign nation.

Yeah. A place called Sweden.

Is this how backwoods
people live in your country?

Well, no, the Clampetts
happened to strike oil.

Oh.

But they haven't lost the speech
and mannerisms of the hills.

And here I can
learn to play the part

of a sharecropper's daughter?

Yes, all you have to
do is watch Elly May.

Ah.

Mr. Drysdale, how long do
you think I'll be staying here?

Just long enough to pick
up their way of speaking.

Did you bring
your tape recorder?

Ja. It's in my,
uh... Well, doggies!

This must be the
little Bergstrom girl.

I wouldn't call her little,

but she's purty as
a mess of hog jowls.

And welcome as a new catalogue.

Miss Ulla Bergstrom, this
is Granny and Mr. Clampett.

- Howdy.
- Oh, and Elly May.

Oh, howdy.

My, you sure are
a tall drink of water.

Uh, where's Jethro?

Oh, he's packing up
to run away from home.

This here's Elmer.

You can have him
whilst you's here.

Come in, come in!

I got a mess of grits and
sowbelly on the stove.

Mr. Drysdale, I've decided
to think this over some more.

Wait... y-you want
the part, don't you?

You know I do, but...

Don't worry, you'll
love the Clampetts.

They're wonderful people.

You can trust me; I'm a genius.

Now, she'll be staying
in with you, Elly.

Make sure that there's
no critters in her bed.

Yes'm, Granny.

You know, Mr. Clampett,
I didn't get to tell you much

about Miss Bergstrom
on the phone.

Well, now, you just leave
the getting acquainted

to us, Mr. Drysdale.

I reckon we know how to make
her feel at home, huh, Granny?

We've bedded down a
passel of strangers in our day.

Ain't had no complaints yet.

- I know, but I...
- Now, you get back to the bank,

and stop worrying
about Miss Bergstrom.

We'll treat her so many ways,
she's bound to like one of 'em.

Are you hungry?

I'm not, actually.

I'd like to freshen up a bit.

Would you like to take a
dip in the cement pond?

Cement pond?

Ain't you never
seen one of them?

No, I don't think so.

Sorry to be so long, Miss Ulla,

but I had to get
Ralph out of your bed.

What?

Oh, he's just a little
old gray squirrel.

But he's getting a
little nearsighted.

Just don't stick your toes out
from under the covers at night.

Well, let's get the
young lady settled in.

Uh, 'scuse me, ma'am, but,
uh, what kind of hide is this?

Alligator.

Kind of thought
that's what it was,

but I didn't want
to say nothing.

That's gator, all right.

By doggies, I'd have
to be awful hard up

to tote a suitcase
made out of gator skin.

Everything she has is made
out of it, even her shoes.

That Sweden must be
crawling with them varmints.

She's had a hard life, Jed.

By doggies, it'll be a
pleasure to see her face

when she ties into
her first possum.

Bye, Uncle Jed.

I'm running away from home.

Yeah, that's what
Elly was telling us.

All packed, I see.

My clothes is.

Now I'm gonna
pack me some lunch.

Pa, we's going swimming
in the cement pond.

Fine, Elly.

Oh, uh, say good-bye
to your cousin

before he runs off.

Good-bye, cousin.

See you when you get back.

I ain't coming back.

This is good-bye forever.

Okay. Bye forever.

Come on, Ulla.

Coming, Elly.

Uncle Jed, who was that?

Oh, ain't you met her?

That's the girl that's
moving in with us.

- Moving in?
- That's right.

- Here?
- That's right.

- In this house?
- That's right.

Yee-haw!

Jethro!

What's all this nonsense about
you running away from home?

N-Not me, Granny.
Uh-uh. No. No, ma'am. No.

- Uh-uh. Never.
- Well, that's better.

Now, you want to get
out to the cement pond

and saw me some firewood?

Yes, ma'am. That's
what I want to do.

Right now. I sure do.
You bet. Uh, yes, ma'am.

See that, Jed?

One look at this
hickory persuader

and he changed his mind.

All he needed was one good look.

Doggone it!

Jethro, you better
stop sawing for a while.

Reckon I'm gonna have to.

I done run out of benches.

I run out of saws, too.

You certainly
are strong, Jethro.

No stronger than
your average mule.

You sawed right through
those marble benches.

I'll bet you could
saw through anything.

Shucks, heck fire.

- Tarnation!
- Wait. Wait, wait.

Let me get my tape recorder.

Oh, how do you
want me to saw it,

straight across or
down the middle?


No, no, wait!

You don't have to saw
through the tape recorder.

Oh, I can do it.

I'm sure you can.

I can see you're very strong.

You know something?

I'm smarter than I am strong.

Are you?

Yes, ma'am.

I-I'll cipher something for you.

Uh, let's see. Uh, um...

Let's go for a swim, shall we?

Okay!

Come on in! I'll cipher for
you whilst I'm swimming.

Two times one is two!

Two times two is four!

Two times four is eight!

Well, did you have a good swim?

Just larrupin', Pa.

How 'bout you, Miss Ulla?

Yes, larrupin'.

Well, good, good.

Did Jethro saw up all
the wood I told him to?

- Wore out three saws.
- Ha!

Now he's fixing all
the marble benches.

See, Jed, I didn't even
have to tell him to do that.

- Come on, Ulla.
- Well, just a minute, Elly.

Uh, Granny and me want to
have a little talk with Miss Ulla.

- She'll be along directly.
- Well, yes, sir, Pa.

See you in a bit, Ulla.

Well, uh, sit down.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Thank you.

Well, tell me, Miss Ulla, how
long you been in this country?

Two months.

What you been
doing all that time?

Not a thing. Just
sitting around.

And I'm so anxious
to go to work.

What kind of work do
you want to do, honey?

Act in the movies.

You want to be a movie star?

Well, I hope to be.

That's why I came to Hollywood.

Uh-huh. Well, uh, you ever
acted in the movies before?

Not yet, but I know I can do it.

Well, what did you do
before you left Sweden?

I was working in The
Cherry Orchard in Stockholm.

Cherry orchard, huh?

I was in it for 18 months.

Well, you must have
been pretty good.

You ever think of
doin' that over here?

Oh, please.

It seems like I've spent my
life in The Cherry Orchard.

Before Stockholm, I went from
one end of Europe to the other

doing the same thing.

Course, when you're
good at something...

No. No, thank you.

I came here to be in the movies,

and with your help,
I know I can do it.

Well, we'll do
everything we can.

Course, it's a big jump

from cherry orchard
to movie studio.

Oh, I see it as a challenge.

I'm going to show
Hollywood that a Swedish girl

can be a sharecropper's
daughter and make good.

Sharecropper's daughter.

Well, we knowed she was hard up.

But now I see how she could
eat so poor and yet look so good.

What you mean?

Well, she probably got all
the cherries she could eat.

Jed, that girl ought to
stick to cherry picking.

Sure got the
reach for it, all right.

But how could she pick for
eighteen months in one orchard?

Well, I reckon part of the time
she was pruning and cultivating.

If she can do all
that, what in tarnation

does she want with the movies?

Search me. According
to Mr. Drysdale,

girls flock to Hollywood
like ants to a picnic.

And according to Miss
Jane, most of them

never get past the studio gates,

just end up with
their hearts broke.

Sure would hate to see
that happen to Miss Ulla.

Well, she can always
go back to cherry picking.

Even at best, it's kind
of a seasonal work.

Even with the pruning
and the cultivating.

Besides, I ain't seen one single
cherry orchard in Beverly Hills.

Oh, Miss Ulla forgot
her pocketbook.

Where is she, Uncle Jed?

Where is that sweet woman?

I'm right here, boy.

And I got plenty
more for you to do.

Huh?

First off, take this
to Miss Bergstrom.

Then you can wash the windows.

Yee-haw!

Well, see how happy
and contended he is

when he has lots
of chores to do?

I've never seen him so
happy to wash the windows.

And after that, I'm
gonna have him sharpen

all of my kitchen knives.

Granny, I got a notion.

What you mean?

I'm gonna call up Mr. Chapman

over to my movie studio

and ask him to drop over
and take a look at Miss Ulla.

You mean, you think...?

I grant you it's a
million to one chance,

but stranger things
have happened.

Uh, e-excuse me, Chief.

Just a moment.

Now, what is it?

Well, I-I thought we
might talk about that raise.

What raise?

Well, the-the one you
said we'd talk about

because of my idea
about Miss Bergstrom.

Oh, yeah.

- All right.
- Oh.

Let's talk about it.

Well...

wh-wh-what I meant...
would, uh, um...

Can I have one?

Absolutely not.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Drysdale.

I just got a message to come
up to J.D. Clampett's house.

- It's about Miss Bergstrom.
- Well, what are you doing here?

Jed Clampett owns
the studio. Get up there!

I thought you ought to
come along, in case he's sore.

After all, it was your idea.

It was not!

- It was hers, right?
- Well, yes, I...

And you wonder why I
didn't give you a raise.

Well, whoever had
the idea, it wasn't me,

and I'm not going
to take the rap alone.

Okay, if you don't have guts
enough to face him alone...

Miss Hathaway will go with you.

Me?

When you get back, we'll
talk about another raise.

Aw, gee.

Jethro?

Yes, ma'am?

Oh-oh, yes, ma'am!

Would you do me a favor?

Well, anything,
Miss Ulla, anything.

I'd climb the highest river

or swim the deepest mountain.

All I want you to do is help
me with this movie script.

Well, what do you want me to do,

uh, produce it or direct it?

No, I just want you
to read this line for me.

It's right here.

Uh, okay, uh... "I have got a...

"powerful hankering...
for you, Mister."

Can't you read?

Yes.

Now, say the line
without reading it.

Okay, uh... I have got
a powerful hankering

for you... Mister.

Just a moment, let me
get my tape recorder.

He's had time to
sharpen two dozen knives

and a barn-full of tools by now.

I have got a powerful
hankering for you, Mister.

Say it again.

I got a powerful
hankering for you, Mister.

I told Jed that boy didn't know

what sex he was opposite.

Well, boy, how you doing
with Granny's knives?

Did you...?

Uh-oh, looks like you
wasn't paying attention.

Oh, yes, I was.

I never took my eyes off of her.

Well, I can't say
as I blame you,

but you better get down
to the hardware store quick.

Oh, yes, sir.

Where was Jethro
going in such a hurry?

To the hardware store.

Catch him, and
you can ride along.

But, just a minute, Mr. Chapman.

Uh, you see that little
girl setting over yonder?

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, uh, she is a
sharecropper's daughter

out of Sweden.

Her name is Ulla Bergstrom,

and I'd consider it a
big favor if you was

to put her in a movie.

What?!

Well, just any little
thing to get her started.

I'll see that you get a raise.

But that girl... A raise?

A dandy big one. How about it?

It's a deal. Excuse me.

Miss Bergstrom, my
name is Chapman.

Come along with me.

- Where are we going?
- To the studio.

- You're going to be in the movies.
- Mr. Chapman?

That's all right, Miss Ulla,
you go along with him.

Make us proud of you now.

She will.

But, Mr. Chapman,
I don't understand.

What is going on?

Jed, where's Miss Ulla going?

She's going to the
studio to be in movies.

That's sweet of you, Jed.

I hope she gets to be a star.

Me, too, Granny,
but just in case,

let's plant us a cherry
orchard out back.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
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