06x06 - Educating Jesse

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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06x06 - Educating Jesse

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪♪♪]

Let's get your arm ready.

[SQUEAKS]

We better fix it.

[IMITATES DRIPPING] [GIGGLES]

Get my nose. Get my nose. Ready?

[IMITATES HORN
HONKING] [GIGGLES]

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, you got my nose...
You gonna get my nose?

[HONKS]

[HONKS]

There you go.

[JOEY IMITATES SEAGULL]

Guys.

You're missing the best one.

[IMITATES BUGLE CALL]

Charge!

I love that one.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahhhhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

I've come up with 20 slogans
for the Stay-in-School campaign,

and they're all lame.

Hold on. I'm taking
a personality test.

I'm this close to
having a personality.

Kimmy.

Okay, you want a
Stay-in-School slogan?

How about this one:

Be smart and get your schooling,

or you'll be living on a
couch, burping and drooling.

[LAUGHING]

Hey. Hey, guys. Hold on.

D.J.: I'm glad you're home.

We've been working
on this campaign...

Well, I've been working
on this campaign.

For the sophomore class,

and since all the kids
listen to you on the radio,

we thought you guys
would be perfect spokesmen.

Spokesmen, huh?

Guess that means I
can date spokesmodels.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Deej, we're there for you.

Hey, what exactly are we,
uh, spokesmen for? Yeah.

It's a Stay-in-School campaign.

That's pretty cool.
Good cause, huh, Jess?

Yeah. That's, uh... That's
a real nice cause, um...

But, uh, I'm sorry. I can't...

I can't help you
out with that one.

Well, why not?

Well, it's... I have so
many things going on.

A lot of projects.

JOEY: Really?

[CHUCKLES] Like what?

I have to paint the house.

The house was just painted.

Oh, yeah. And
it looks great too.

Uh, no... Uh, actually, I
have to paint the driveway.

That's what I have to paint.

The driveway doesn't
go with the curb at all.

It's a whole clashing thing.

Girls, I'm sorry.

I don't know what the
heck's going on with him.

That was really weird.

Yeah. I thought your driveway
went great with your curb.

Girls, dinner's ready.

Great. I'm starved.

Stop.

You forgot.

Somebody has to tie my shoe.

Michelle, I tied your
shoe at breakfast,

on the way to school,

on the way back from school,

and twice since we've been home.

Well, then you're not
doing a very good job.

Michelle... Excuse me,
Steph. You know what?

I think it is time to teach
you the shoelace-tying song.

Come over here and
watch very closely what I do.

I'm excellent at this. Okay?

Here we go. Goes like this:

♪ Over, under
Around the tree... ♪

Dad, it's not "over, under."

It's under, over.

♪ Under, over Around the tree ♪

That's a beautiful rendition,
honey, but I'm positive

that it's over then under.

Dad, you've been
wearing loafers too long.

It's definitely under then over.

Sweetheart, I've been
tying my shoes for 30 years.

Maybe you've been
doing it wrong for 30 years.

Aunt Becky,

how did you learn
to tie your shoe?

Oh, well, my parents
taught me a little song.

I hope there's not a tree in it.

[CHUCKLES] No, but
there's a cute little bunny.

Here. Hold your shoe
up. Goes like this:

♪ Bunny boy Bunny boy ♪

♪ Around the ear To there ♪

♪ Step inside The bunny hole ♪

♪ And I'll show you A pair ♪

See?

Kinda.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, Michelle, we've been
working on it, and we've got it.

Okay, Steph? Okay.

Hit it.

[IN UNISON] ♪ Over or under ♪

♪ Around the tree ♪

♪ Swing past the
knothole Pull and see ♪

No wonder she
can't tie her shoe.

Luckily, I just taught her
"Bunny Boy, Bunny Boy."

"Bunny Boy, Bunny Boy"?

This is very complicated.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, have you guys seen Jess?

He's been acting so strange.

He just backed out of our
Stay-in-School campaign

with some weird excuse about
having to paint the driveway.

Actually, it's not a bad idea.
It never did match the curb.

I can't believe that
Jesse won't help.

Hey, everybody.

Hey.

We gonna eat or what?

Well, honey, we're
just concerned.

It would mean a lot
to D.J. if you helped

with her Stay-in-School project.

What's the matter
with you people?

I-I told you. I'm busy.

If I'm busy, I'm
busy. That's all.

Painting the driveway?

Got something against
home improvement?

You know, uh, it
really is a good cause.

I'm sure it is.

Gotta be a way outta here.

Uncle Jesse, you
know at my school

one kid drops out every week.

So go talk to him and
stop bugging me about it.

Oh, no, you don't. No,
you are not leaving here

until we get a straight answer.

Now, why won't you help
D.J. with her campaign?

All right. You wanna know why

I can't help D.J.
with her campaign?

I can't help you with your
Stay-in-School campaign

because I didn't stay in school.

BECKY: What? What?

I'm a dropout.

There.

Okay, let's just, uh, move
on with our lives, okay?

[♪♪♪]

You heard the man. Let's
move on with our lives.

[♪♪♪]

Hello, my cute little sons.

Hello...?

Hello.

Hello.

Hey, listen, it's time
for you guys to go bed.

Time for you guys to
go to bed now, okay?

Bye.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Hey, listen, guys, uh...

Before it hits the streets, I...

I might as well
tell you your, uh...

Your old man's a
high-school dropout.

Ah, it's...

Who needs a
diploma anyway, right?

I mean, does that
put food on your...

On your plate and diapers
on your little tushies?

I don't think so.

Your old man's doing okay, huh?

I mean, granted,
I'm no Albert Einstein,

but who'd wanna
be with that hair?

Bucket of mousse
couldn't tame that head.

What's really
important to me is...

Is what you guys think, and I...

I'm guessing you love me
with or without a diploma, huh?

[BABBLING]

Can I have a kiss?

Can Daddy have a little
kiss? Can I have a little one?

You too?

[♪♪♪]

[WHISPERS] Shh-shh. Good night.

Good night, munchkins.

So, Jess... Oh!

Anything you care to talk about?

Can't think of a thing, Beck.

Jess, I can't believe
you never told anyone

you didn't graduate high school.

Well, it just didn't
come up in conversation

over the past, uh, 11 years.

Oh, no, you don't.

You are not getting
away with that again.

Honey, you and
I are best friends.

We tell each other everything.

Won't you please tell
me what happened?

I just, uh... I'm
embarrassed about this.

It... [SIGHS]

It was my senior year and...

I-I don't know. I was...

I was playing a lot... A
lot of shows with my band,

and I had just got this
new motorcycle and...

I don't know, it was
just a lot more fun

than going to English
class with Mr. Pearson.

He used to start
each class with,

[SNOBBISHLY] "Read
any good books lately?"

No. Yeah.

He said that? Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Aw, this guy was a k*ller, man.

You know, he... He made
us memorize this poem,

"O Captain! My Captain!"

And when I got up to recite it,

the guy just tore me
to shreds because I...

Because I forgot a few words.

How many words?

Everything after "O
Captain! My Captain!"

The point is that he...

That he really made
me look like an idiot,

and all the kids were
laughing at me and I...

I just... I asked him if I
could go to the bathroom,

and I never came back.

Honey, you're only
missing one class.

You could go back
and make that up.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
What am I gonna say?

I got locked in the stall,
and I just now got out?

Sweetheart, what are you
gonna tell Nicky and Alex?

What if one day they
wanna drop out of school?

I just talked to them
about it. They're totally cool.

How about you?
Are you totally cool?

Could be cooler.

[SCOFFS]

I'm not proud of
being a dropout.

So drop back in.

Ah, it's too late,
and I'm too old.

You're right. You
can't do it. I could do it.

If I wanted to, I could
do it. Well, then do it.

I wanna make my
own decisions, that's all.

Well, then make a
decision. What do you want?

I want that diploma.

Then go get it!

Then I'm gonna get it.

All right, honey!

I am so proud of you.

This was my decision, wasn't it?

Oh, of course, sweetheart.
Yeah, right, yeah. Okay.

[EXCITEDLY] Okay.
I'm going back to school.

[♪♪♪]

[NERVOUSLY] I'm
going back to school.

[♪♪♪]

Joey, I think your
end's a little low.

Really?

Well, I've been working out

with my Heinie-Master.

Just raise the banner.

Hey. D.J.: Hi.

Hey. Hey, guys.

Hey. Hi.

Has your Uncle Jesse
left for night school?

No, he's still upstairs.

He wants his hair to be perfect.

He's been doing it since 6:00.

For an hour?

Since 6:00 this morning.

I got it!

♪ Over, under Around the tree ♪

♪ Swing past the knothole ♪

♪ Pull and see ♪

D.J.: That's great,
Michelle. Oh, Michelle...

That's fantastic.

Wow, all that
practicing really paid off.

Now let me see
you tie your shoe.

My shoe?

I just learned the song.

Here, squirt. Let me
show you the Gibbler way

to tie your shoe.

ALL: Ew! Whew! Whoa!

Ugh! Gibbler, put that shoe on

before you set off
the smoke alarm.

Okay, everybody. Here he is:

America's newest
high-school student.

[CHEERING]

America's oldest
high-school student.

Kimmy, even you
can't get to me today.

I'm... I'm in such a great mood.

I'm so excited about
going back to school.

I even stayed up all night
memorizing this poem,

"O Captain! My Captain!"

Yeah. Hey, i-is that
from Star Trek I or II?

I think it's from II, Steve.

[AS SCOTTY] Oh, captain,
my captain, she's breakin' up.

I've got to have more power.

For your information,

it's by a guy named
Walt Whitman,

one of America's finest poets.

D.J.: Steve and I got
you this thesaurus.

All right.

Well, uh, actually,
uh, D.J. picked it out,

and D.J. paid for it.

But, uh, I drove
her to the mall.

We're all really proud of you.

It takes a lot of guts
to do what you're doing.

Yeah, going back to school.

No, being late
for your first class.

That's it. Sorry.
BECKY: Better get going.

Okay. Hey, thanks, guys,
for everything and, uh,

see you after school.

Watch out for the
big kids at recess.

Good luck.

[EXHALES]

[♪♪♪]

Ah... Front row. Heh.
Pretty good seats.

Didn't even have to
pay a scalper. Heh.

Hey. Hey, man, I know you.

You're Jesse. From
Jesse and the Rippers?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Nice to see you.

Listen, listen, I... I'm here
to get my diploma, so, uh,

let's not make a big
deal out of it, okay?

Okay.

Okay, make a big deal out of it.

Hey, man, you played
the Smash Club.

You did a real cool kick while
you were playing the keyboard.

Oh, yeah, that's... That's
my Bruce Lee meets, uh,

Liberace thing I do.

Yeah, like this,
right? [HUMMING]

No, no.

I... I said Bruce
Lee, not Sara Lee.

No, it goes more like this.

You get the piano goin'
then you slide like that, see?


But you gotta
get it fever pitch,

Once you get fever
pitch, then you slide.

And then sometimes
you go back and then...

And up, and back,
and sliding and going,

sliding and going,
sliding and going...

Read any good books lately?

Mr. Pearson.

Jesse Katsopolis?

Wasn't it about 10 years ago

I gave you a pass
to the bathroom?

Yes. Yes, it was. Uh...

Uh, they were
out of toilet paper,

so I figured, what the
heck, I'll quit school.

I'm gonna... I'm
gonna sit down now.

You're starting this class
a week after the others.

I suggest you
pay extra attention.

Oh, no, no, no. Ah,
hey, I'm a new man, sir.

No more screwing off.
I am here to kick butt.

I see your English is still
as genteel and elegant

as that of a Viking.

Thank you, sir.

Let us move on
from the ridiculous

to the sublime, and
continue our discussion

of The Red Badge of Courage.

The Red Badge of Courage.

Stephen Crane published
this narrative in 1895.

Excuse me, sir.

Now, do we need to
know dates for tests?

There are no tests.

[MOUTHS] No tests.

Only examinations of the
mind in the form of essays.

And, yes, you will
need to know dates.

Could have just said yes or no.

Mr. Katsopolis, are you going
to be a miscreant all your life?

I don't know.

Let's see, miscreant,

miscreant, miscreant...
[MUTTERING]

No, sir, no. I'm not going to be

a troublemaker, a rabble-rouser,

ne'er-do-well, or knave.

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

I don't know why you're
here, Mr. Katsopolis,

but since you have presented
me with the challenge

of teaching you once again,

I suggest that you
open your mind...

and shut your yap.

In this class, you
will read four novels.

You will do an oral presentation

as well as an
in-depth analysis...

Fifteen pages, single-spaced.

Of your favorite
American author,

should you know one.

For your information,
sir, I do know one.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Walter Whitman.

I'd like to do a poem
right now if I may.

It goes something
like this, ahem:

O Captain! my Captain!
Our fearful trip is done

The ship has
weather'd Every rack

The prize we sought is won

I am impressed, Mr. Katsopolis.

Why, uh, thank you, Mr. Pearson.

Would you mind?

Tell the class what it means.

Okay. Okay, all
right. I-I'll tell you.

Uh, well, it's about this, um,

This captain and...

And about his fearful
trip and it was done.

It was finished.

And, uh, uh, they got
out of the rack and they...

They won a prize.
They... They all won prizes.

Actually, Mr. Katsopolis,

this poem is about
Abraham Lincoln.

Oh. Well, why
didn't they just call it

"O Lincoln! My Lincoln!"?

I suggest you sit
down, Mr. Katsopolis.

Very slowly,

so you won't injure your brain.

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

[♪♪♪]

Sir, uh, you mind if I
go to the bathroom?

It's right where you left it.

See you in 10 years.

Hi, Daddy.

Hey, sweetheart.
Come here. Mwah.

How's your shoe
tying coming along?

Piece of cake.

What the heck is that glob
of pink stuff on your shoe?

Piece of bubble gum.

Sweetheart, why
did you tie your shoe

with a piece of bubble gum?

The Play-Doh didn't stick.

Michelle, I know how
hard you've been trying

to learn how to tie your shoe,

but bubble gum
can get pretty messy.

I'll keep trying.

Where's the stapler?

[CHUCKLING] Honey,
forget about the stapler.

The only way you're
gonna learn to tie your shoe

is just to keep practicing.

Okay.

Practice, practice, practice.

D.J.: I think that
mine would be better.

Okay, could you guys
help us out, please?

These two can't
decide on a slogan.

They're arguing so much I
can't even hear myself chew.

Why don't we put it to a vote?

And please, be fair.

Don't let me influence
you in any way.

You can't buy my vote.

But you can rent it for an hour.

Okay. Here is my slogan:

People who are smart
finish what they start.

Stay in school.

That's very good, Deej. Yeah.

And now the second
choice, the only choice:

Stay in school.
Don't be an idiot.

Don't drop out even if you
have to glue your butt to a chair.

Catchy.

Okay, it's voting time.
What do you think?

D.J.

Deej. D.J.

D.J.

Kimmy.

Steve.

What? I-I like that
gluing your butt part.

Hey, sweetheart,
you're back early.

How did it go?

Here, give these
to Nicky and Alex.

They can color in 'em.

I'm guessing it
didn't go very well.

You guessed right.

Well, what about the campaign?

You better find yourself another
Stay-in-School poster boy.

I quit.

What's going on, munchkin?

Throwing out all your shoes?

Only the ones with the laces.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Now, come here.

Well, I know you're, uh,

having a little trouble
with this shoe-tying thing,

but don't you think
you're being hasty?

No, 'cause I don't
know what hasty means.

[LAUGHS]

Well, it means you
gotta think things out first.

If you throw out all your shoes,

what are you gonna
wear on your feet?

Sandals, slippers,
anything with Velcro.

Come on, Michelle, you
don't wanna be a quitter.

You won't feel
good about yourself.

I mean, quitting is for losers.

You don't wanna
let yourself down

and all the people
who care about you.

[♪♪♪]

Everything I'm saying to you,
I should be saying to myself.

[SIGHS]

Well, buddy, I, uh...

quit school tonight.

Again?

Yes, again.

What did you do that for?

School turned out to be
a lot harder than I thought,

just like, uh, tying your shoes
was harder than you thought.

Tell me about it.

If you can quit, I can quit.

Come on, don't you wanna
learn how to tie your shoes?

Don't you wanna finish school?

Yes, I do.

I tell you what.

Let's make a deal, huh?

Okay. It's a deal.

I haven't even told
you the deal yet.

All right, this is the deal:

I will go back to night school

if you learn how
to tie your shoes.

In the end, we'll feel
really good about ourselves

'cause we worked so hard.

What do you say?

Okay. Is it a deal now?

Now it's a deal.

Let's shake on it.

Jess, we just had
a family meeting.

And we've decided that
we're not gonna let you quit.

You might hate
our guts for this.

You might kick and scream.

But it's only
because we love you.

Okay.

You guys win.

I'm going back to night school.

You know what it is?

I think he knew that I
really meant business.

Yeah, I wasn't taking
no for an answer.

I'm glad we played hardball.

We're so good, we're bad.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Under ♪

♪ Over ♪

♪ Around the tree ♪

♪ Swing past the knothole ♪

♪ Pull and see ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ Bunny boy Bunny boy ♪

♪ Around the ear To there... ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
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