[♪♪♪]
Daddy! I made you a present.
Oh, honey, thank you.
Mwah. Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, wow, this is
a really nice... one.
Go ahead. Use it.
Use it?
Oh, okay, you know,
maybe I should start
by putting something in it, huh?
Uh, okay. Here we go.
No, uh, op!
Oh. Ooh.
Hey Michelle, did you
finish your bird feeder?
All done!
And what a doozie of
a bird feeder it is, huh?
Just hold it up and...
Birds right in there.
I'm gonna go put
some birdseed in it
He didn't have a clue.
[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH PLAYING
FESTIVE POLKA MUSIC]
I don't know why, but I
feel like a wiener schnitzel.
Rebecca, close your mouth.
Uh, Betty, Lulu,
that was... unique.
Can't wait till this Sunday
at the annual twins expo
to hear your spirited rendition
of "Stairway to Heaven."
Okay, thank you very much.
Thank you, ladies,
and don't forget,
I'll be emceeing the
Favorite Twins Contest,
so come on down to
the convention center
if you are a twin or know a
twin or you've ever seen double.
Bye, and have a great weekend.
Thanks.
SINGERS: ♪ Wake up ♪
[APPLAUSE]
Great show. Great
show. Great show.
Hi, babe. Ready for lunch?
Yeah.
Oh, uh, Danny. Vicky called,
and she said she'll call
you back between 7 and 8
Can't I call her?
No, she's on her
way to Green Bay,
she's traveling with
the Chicago Bears.
The football team? Mm-hm.
Yeah, she says she's
doing some kind of special
on women in the locker room.
You mean, s-she's
gonna be in a locker room
with 40 guys with
chiseled bodies
and thighs bigger than... me?
Danny, you don't feel
threatened by this, do you?
No! No, not at all.
If you need me,
I'll be at the gym.
Honey, listen, I have
something to tell you,
but you have to
promise not to whine.
I never whine.
My cousin d*ck
and his wife Donna
are in from Nebraska.
Oh, those rich snobs?
You're whining.
No, I'm not. I'm just...
I'm just voicing a
manly complaint.
They brought their twins
Debbie and Darla for
the contest at the expo,
and we're having dinner.
Aw, jeez, I have to
eat with them too?
All right. That was a whine.
That was a whine, yes.
[♪♪♪]
D.J., Steve. I'm
glad you're here.
What about me?
D.J., Steve, I'm
glad you're here.
I've got a boy problem.
BOTH: Ooh!
This is serious.
This boy Jimmy Laster
is always pulling my hair
and giving me noogies.
Why is he doing that?
Hey, maybe you have
one of those noogie heads
that guys can't resist.
Steve! It's probably
because he likes you,
and he's too
immature to tell you.
Really? He likes me?
Yeah. You should do the
mature thing and give him a call.
Maybe he'll wanna get together.
Or do what I do:
Get an 800 number
and advertise on cable.
[♪♪♪]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Cousin d*ck!
Look who's here.
Hi!
Donna.
Kids, come on in.
Oh, yeah. Come
in. Let me see you.
Oh, you guys have gotten so
big. Come here, give me a hug.
Oh, thank you. Well, come on in.
You know, make
yourselves at home.
Well, we haven't seen you
since you and Jesse got...
you know, married.
How you holding up?
All right, boys, life
lesson number 37.
Pretending to like
someone. Watch.
d*ck, Donna. It's
been too, too long.
Well, Jesse. Aw, cute kids.
Thank you. Thanks.
They look just like Rebecca.
You lucked out there.
[BOTH LAUGH]
A small joke.
You know what they say.
Small joke, small mind.
Jess.
Hello. Hi.
Who's this little girl?
BECKY: Oh, this is
Danny's daughter Michelle.
Michelle, say hi to d*ck,
Donna, Debbie and Darla.
Hi, d*ck and... all
you other D people.
And you must be Danny.
No, I'm Joey.
Oh, Joey, Jesse,
the twins and I,
we all live here
in Danny's house
with Danny and his daughters.
Becky and I have a
little place in the attic.
The attic? Hm.
How quaint.
Well, uh, I know you guys
have to go out to dinner,
so, Michelle,
let's take the kids
into the kitchen
for some cookies.
Oh, boy, girls, you do love
fresh-baked cookies, don't you?
We prefer store-bought.
[SILLY VOICE] We prefer
store-bought. Oh, boy!
[CONTINUES MUMBLING]
Aren't our girls cute?
Can't wait to see them in
the Favorite Twins Contest.
You know, that
sounds like a lot of fun.
Jess, we should
enter Nicky and Alex.
No, no, no, absolutely not.
I'm not... I'm not gonna parade
my kids around like a
couple of trained baboons.
Baboons?
Whoa! Look at the time.
Shouldn't we be going to dinner?
You know, now
that I think about it,
why don't you three go? I
have some schoolwork to do?
Oh, working on your PhD?
Well, actually it's... It's,
uh... It's my pre-PhD.
Master's?
Bachelor's.
High school.
[LAUGHS] High school? Good one.
Oh, you're serious.
Well, you can come to
dinner. It's not a school night.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, now... Now I see
why you married him.
Because he's funny?
No, because he's rich.
Uh, speaking of which,
we have reservations at the
most expensive place in town.
On us, of course.
Of course.
We know you're a
struggling musician.
No, no, no, no. J-Jess
has a great job on the radio.
And did you know that he had
a number one record in Japan?
Well, if we ever
have dinner in Japan,
it'll be your treat.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Small joke.
That guy is a small
joke. I'm gonna get him.
Honey, please. No v*olence.
Who's talking about v*olence?
I'm gonna order a
12-pound lobster.
Deej, I took your
advice and called Jimmy.
Was I right? Does he like you?
Close. He hates me.
He said if I call him again,
he'll have me arrested
for harassment.
Sorry, Steph. Sometimes
guys are complicated.
Well, not exactly complicated.
More like... simple.
I just wanna know how
to tell if a guy likes me.
Well, sometimes guys just
kinda hang back and stare at you.
So if a guy stares
at me, he likes me?
Not necessarily. You may have
some gunk stuck in your teeth.
But if you don't,
and he does like you,
he'll start fixing his hair.
Okay, staring. Hair fixing.
What else? What else?
Well, then, you smile at
him, but just a half-smile,
'cause you don't
wanna scare him.
How's this?
That'll scare him.
Tell me more. I need details.
Well, just do everything I said,
and if you do it right, he'll
come over and talk to you.
This is great! Then
what happens?
Nothing. You're
in the fifth grade.
So, what do you guys want to do?
Do you have a TV? A
VCR? A laser disc player?
Anything?
I have Mr. Potato Head.
BOTH: Boring.
We like video games.
Come on, Debbie.
Let's go play
"Ballerinas of Death."
[GAMES BEEPING]
When can I have a turn?
When you buy one.
Boy, is this gonna
be a fun night.
[♪♪♪]
Man, that was good eating.
I ate so much lobster,
I'm sweatin' buttah.
I hope you didn't
ruin your best T-shirt.
Oh, Donna, I hope
you don't mind.
I, uh, made Debbie and
Darla some ice cream sundaes.
Oh, not at all. Girls,
what do you say?
They would've been
better with hot fudge.
Oh, you're very welcome.
Always a pleasure. Heh.
Oh, uh, Becky,
little news from the home front.
Mary Ellen Matthews
married Doyce Plunk.
He was Becky's old boyfriend.
We all thought she
was gonna marry him.
I was never gonna marry Doyce.
Mary Ellen sure is
counting her blessings.
[BOTH LAUGH]
She lives in a mansion,
almost as big as ours,
and Doyce gives her
a brand-new Cadillac
Coupe Deville every year.
Yeah, but try popping a
wheelie on one of those things.
Okay.
Well, we better get a move-on
someone steals our hubcaps.
Small joke, right?
No, I'm serious.
Come on, girls. Let's go.
Well, it's been a
wonderful evening.
Cousin d*ck, thank
you for dinner.
I'm gonna go upstairs and
check on Nicky and Alex.
Donna, good night.
Good night girls.
I'll be up soon, honey. I'm
just gonna throw our gue...
I mean, uh, show our guests out.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Hey, d*ck...
Let's lay the cards
out on the table, pal.
You don't like me, do you?
Well, I'd like you
as an acquaintance.
I'd like you as a waiter.
I'd even like you as a mechanic.
But as a cousin,
well, let's just say,
we always imagined
Rebecca with someone...
better.
Let me tell you something.
I'm not your acquaintance,
and I'm not your waiter,
and if I were your mechanic,
you'd be having brake problems.
Small joke.
Well, I guess we
know where we stand.
Yes. I guess we know.
See you at the expo.
Oh, and, uh, smart move
not entering the twins contest.
I mean, why put your kids
through that kinda rejection?
Rejection? All right, now
you've pushed me too far.
You know what? I'm gonna
enter my twins in that contest,
and they're gonna make you
wish you never left Nebraska, pal.
Oh, oh-ho-ho-ho!
Looks like somebody
had their lobster bib on
a little too tight, huh?
Small joke.
Now, here's a big joke for ya:
I don't even like lobster.
[♪♪♪]
JOEY: Hey, kids, look
at all the twins, huh?
Big ones, little ones...
MICHELLE: Furry ones.
Come on, Michelle, let's
go see if they have eyes.
See that doggy?
He's a furry doggy.
Can you say "doggy"?
Hi, hi.
Oh, hi. Hi.
Jesse, when my kids win
the Favorite Twins Contest,
do you think you
could you help me carry
that huge trophy out to my car?
No, because my
kids are gonna win.
Really? Well, you
think you have room
for that trophy up
there in the ol' attic?
You know, Jess, I just wanted
to enter this contest for fun,
and all you wanna
do is b*at my cousin.
Sounds like fun to me.
Come on. Let's go
get the kids ready.
Hey, Michelle,
are those cute
guys staring at me?
No, don't look at 'em!
How am I supposed to
see 'em if I don't look?
Okay. Time for the
half-smile. How's this?
I think you need the other half.
All right. They're
fixing their hair.
It's just like D.J.
said. They like me.
Uh, Michelle, no offense,
but, heh... get lost.
Well, since you
asked nicely... okay.
Hi. I'm Andrew.
I'm Stephanie.
I'm Thomas. Do you have a twin?
No.
We really like doing
stuff with twins.
Oh, you mean a twin sister!
Heh. Who doesn't?
Super. Where
is she?
Well, uh... I'll go find her.
D.J., quick. I need your
hat and your sweater. Why?
Don't ask questions. It's
an emergency. Please!
Okay, okay. But you look fine.
It's not for me.
It's for my sister.
Michelle?
Hi. You must be
Andrew and Thomas.
My sister Stephanie
told me I'd find you here.
Hi. What's your name?
My name?
Uh... Bethany.
So, Bethany, what do you
and Stephanie do for fun?
Oh, pretty much the same thing.
Where is Stephanie?
Stephanie? Uh...
She was with me a second ago.
I'll go find her. Heh.
She's not quite herself today.
That's right, Vicky Larson.
Yeah, could you please
tell her to call Danny Tanner?
Yeah, she's in...
She's in the Chicago
Bears', uh, locker room.
Yeah, she'll be the only
one wearing high heels.
Really?
He does?
I'm back. Bethany.
I thought you were Stephanie.
Wait a minute.
You're absolutely
right. I am Stephanie.
This is getting weird.
Yeah. What's going on?
All right, the truth
is, I don't have a twin.
I made it up because you said
you only hang out with twins.
Well, I guess I can
make an exception.
Hey, I saw her first.
I did.
I did.
Boys, boys, boys, boys.
Let's not fight.
There's enough
of me to go around.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, there are your
cousins, Michelle.
You can wish 'em good
luck before the contest.
Or not.
Why should I be nice to
them? They were mean to me.
Well, because being
nice is contagious.
Maybe they'll catch it.
You mean like chicken
pox and they'll get all itchy?
Maybe "contagious"
was the wrong word.
Hi. Hello. Hi.
Debbie, Darla, good luck.
What do you mean by that?
I just mean good luck.
Oh.
BOTH: Thank you.
Always a pleasure.
Did you see that? They
even said thank you.
What did I tell ya?
[♪♪♪]
Ladies and gentlemen,
twins of all ages,
we're about to begin the
highlight of the twins expo,
the Favorite Twins Contest.
I'm your host Danny Tanner,
and no, you're
not seeing single.
There's only one of me.
[CROWD SILENCES]
Okay. So let's bring
out our first contestant.
Welcome, if you will,
from Gary, Indiana,
the Spellman twins.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Yeah! Yeah!
Thank you, Lex and Rex.
Oh, man, I haven't
seen that much beef
since my last Double Whopper.
Is this thing on?
Okay. Let's bring out
our next contestants.
Please welcome, if you
will, the Donaldson twins.
[BOLD FANFARE PLAYS]
Make Daddy proud.
BOTH: And now, a poem.
The majesty of America
The beauty of the sea
The seven wonders Of the world
Are not as cute as we Are
[BOLD FANFARE PLAYS]
Thank you. The Donaldson twins.
Okay, and now
our last contestants.
Please give it up for
Nicky and Alex Katsopolis.
[APPLAUSE]
[FUN ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
Elvis: the next generation.
And now, if we could,
let's bring all of our
contestants up on stage
while our judges make
their final decision.
Nicky and Alex were so adorable.
You must be pretty
darn proud, huh, Beck?
Oh, yeah. Having twin
Elvis impersonators.
Every mother's dream.
Oh, now it's the moment
you're waiting for.
Let me get the judges' decision.
[PHONE RINGS]
Excuse me. You know what?
That's my... That's my jacket.
Um. Pardon me.
Hello. Yeah, Vicky,
you know, this is
not a good time.
Yeah. Are you still
in the locker room?
Was that a towel snap?
Oh, okay, look, look,
I-I can't talk right now.
I'll call you later. Ok-okay,
honey buns. Bye-bye.
ALL: Awww!
Where was I?
The winners, honey buns.
[DRUM ROLL]
Thanks, sugar hips.
Okay.
Our runners-up and
second-place winners are...
Debbie and Darla Donaldson.
[FANFARE PLAYS]
Runners-up?
You heard the man.
There's gotta be a
mistake. I demand a recount.
Lex and Rex, escort
this man off the stage.
We really need a
recount. I'm sure there's...
No, there's some mistake.
And now it's time to announce
our first-place winners.
They are... Nicky
and Alex Katsopolis!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[FUN ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ We... kicked their butt ♪
♪ We..kicked... ♪
Honey, I got a great idea.
Let's take a picture of this.
We'll put it on a Christmas card
and send it to
your idiot cousins.
That should spread a
little Christmas cheer.
Jess, why are you so
obsessed with my cousin?
Honey, I am not
obsessed. I got a great idea.
Let's hire a skywriter,
and we'll skywrite "loser"
over his big mansion.
Jesse!
All right. I'm a tad obsessed.
It's just that...
I-I-I just wanted to show him
that even though I
can't buy you a mansion,
And I... I can't buy you a
new Coupe Deville every year,
that we have really great kids.
What are you talking about?
Well...
You think you...
Would have been happy
if you'd married Doyce Plunk?
Rebecca Plunk?
That a yes or a no?
Of course it's a no.
Jess, I don't care
about cars and money,
and I don't care what
other people think.
All I care about is you
and our life together,
and I wouldn't
trade one minute of it
for all the mansions
in Nebraska.
I guess I... did
kinda overreact, huh?
Well, not completely.
My cousin is a jerk, and
I'm glad we kicked his butt.
Yeah!
Sweetheart, I may act a
little crazy sometimes, but...
it's only 'cause I'm
crazy about you.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
[♪♪♪]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪