06x16 - The Heartbreak Kid

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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06x16 - The Heartbreak Kid

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪♪♪]

What do you want to play now?

Let's jump on the bed.

Nah. My daddy doesn't like that.

Let's play house. Okay.

You be the daddy.

Okay. You be the kid.

Okay.

Can we jump on the beds?

What did I just tell you?

Yeah, but you're the daddy now.

In that case, let's do it.

[GIGGLING]

Your hair can jump
higher than you, you know.

Oh, yeah.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahhhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Excellent.

My Valentine cards
are all addressed.

Wow, Kimmy, I can't believe
you know so many guys.

Oh, I don't. I only
know these guys.

These are addressed
to "occupant."

Hey, Steve, these cookies
are cool enough to pack.

But not in your mouth.

Something smells like cookies.

I knew it.

Sorry, Michelle,

but these are for the
student council bake sale.

Bummer.

How come they're
all shaped like hearts?

Because they're
for Valentine's Day.

And Valentine's
Day is about love,

and love comes from the heart.

Yeah, it's a beautiful thing.

Hey, squirt, I'm taking biology.

You want to see what
a real heart looks like?

Eww.

Eww.

Well, actually that's
a baboon's heart,

but you get the picture.

Eww.

Hey, Kimmy. Kimmy,
come on, cool out. Please.

Michelle, we can
spare one cookie.

Here you go. Look.

An M... and... sprinkles.

Now you're my special valentine.

I am? Mm-hm.

Wow.

Hey, Deej, you going to let
Thumbelina steal your man?

Hey, I can't stand in
the way of true love.

True love?

I'm never gonna eat this cookie.

[SIGHS]

[IN UNISON] She's so cute.

All right, Beck, brace yourself.

I am about to enter
the computer age.

Is it 1973 already?

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Funny, funny.

I may have been a
little slow getting to it,

but the point is,
I have arrived.

Hey, Uncle Jesse, I heard
you got a new computer.

Yeah. Yeah, my
night school teacher

wasn't too impressed
with my handwriting.

He asked me if I wrote my
last report during an earthquake.

Yeah, I read that one.

Tom Sewer and Huckleberry
Fink, by Marv Twain.

You know, we're studying
computers at school.

I could help you.

Stephanie, please, I
am fully aware, okay?

Now, I... I run a
computerized synthesizer,

I run a 24-track mixing board.

I am no stranger to technology.

[CLAPS] All right.

Let's hit that power button.

Let's find that power button.

Allow me.

[BEEPS] Oh. There it is.

Okay, there's the power
button. Very good. Fine.

Thank you very much.
I will take it from here.

[SNIFFS]

Where do I take it?

You have to call up the program.

Oh. Okay, I knew that.

Yo, program.

[LAUGHING]

Just a little computer humor.

All right, maybe I
need a little help.

Try a lot of help, heh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Okay. What you do is,
you just hit "return..." Right.

Then "escape..." Uh-huh.

"File..." Course.

Type the name
of the file. Course.

"Format," "line
spacing..." Sure.

"two," "return,"
and presto... Good.

You're ready to go. All right.

That's good. I got it. Oh,

except I missed
one little thing.

What? Everything
before "presto."

Okay, Joey, get
yourself psyched.

Today's the big day.

It's us against your closet.

Come on, you're
way over the top.

Oh, really? When
was the last time

you cleaned it out?

What's today? Uh, Tuesday...

So it would be, uh... never.

I should've rented
the flame-thrower.

Come on, Danny,
it's not that bad.

[HOLLOW KNOCKING]

I always wondered
where that tunnel

on Hogan's Heroes came out.

[IMITATING BURKHALTER]
Shut up, Klink.

Okay. You know what?

I can't believe you have all
this stuff here. Look at this.

Pet rock. Good boy.

Oh, this is nice. X-ray glasses.

Yeah. There you go.

Ooh, a Fonzie watch.

[IMITATING FONZIE] Ay.

Look at this. A picture
of Barbara-Ann Varanelli.

Ah, that's a tosser.

Why would you save a picture
of my old high school girlfriend?

I don't know, it
was so long ago.

Don't be so grabby.

There's something
on the back here.

"Dearest, whenever
I think of eternal love,

"only one name
springs to my lips...

Joey."

Joey? When did you
go out with Barbara-Ann?

I don't know. It was sometime
after you guys broke up.

Yeah? How long after?

I don't know.

A week, a month,
a... A lunch hour.

Hey, look at that. You
switched to boxer shorts.

Daddy,

what do you do when
you love someone?

Well... Come here, honey.

When you love somebody,

you start a relationship
with that person.

And if the relationship
grows and it blossoms,

and your best friend
doesn't steal her from you

and not tell you
about it for 20 years,

maybe you might ask
that person to marry you.

Really? That's
all I need to know.

Carry on, boys.

Joey, I want you
to tell me straight.

Did you steal Barbara-Ann
away from me?

Danny, I happen to
be your best friend.

How insensitive
do you think I am?

Steve, wait. I need
to ask you something.

Sure, kid. You name it.

Will you marry me?

Heh. Why not? I got
no homework today.

Today? Works for me.

You know, Michelle, if
you're gonna get married,

you're gonna need
an engagement ring.

Here. How about this twisty tie?

Now, let's do this right.

Michelle Tanner,
will you marry me?

Of course. Why do
you think I asked?

Oh, Michelle, it's
beautiful. Yeah.

Look how the wire
catches the light.

Well, we got to
go. See you later.

I love that kid. She's so cute.

I'm getting married.

This is gonna be the
happiest day of my life.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Come on.

What's so important?

Shh. I want it to be
a surprise. Sit down.

I'm getting married.

Hey, I love playing wedding.

I'm not playing.
This is for real.

I'm going to marry Steve today.

Whoa. He's a babe.

You're telling me?

But isn't that D.J.'s boyfriend?

Not anymore.

Hey, girls, what you doing?

Aunt Becky, how do
you have a wedding?

Well, Michelle, you were at my
wedding, don't you remember?

All I remember is...

throwing flowers, eating cake...

and wearing tights what
made my knees itch.

Well, I'll tell you what.

We can look through
my wedding album, okay?

Okay.

This will be a lot of fun.

I haven't looked through
this book in such a long time.

Oh, look, look, look.

Here we are arriving
at the church. Oh.

And here we are again
arriving at the correct church.

My dad was really nervous.

You look so beautiful.

Aw, thanks.

I gotta find a dress like that.

Oh, you will, sweetheart.

You are gonna make a
beautiful bride someday.

Someday?

Denise. BECKY: Ha.

Look, here's Danny helping
the caterer scrub some pots.

Oh. And there you are
scratching your itchy knees.

[ALL GIGGLING]

[BABBLING]

Look at this guys, I'm
already on page 12.

This is so cool.

It is great living in
the computer age.

Although you're still living
in the Crayola age, huh?

[BABBLING]

Uncle Jesse, can I
ask you a question?

Sure. I'm on a little break,

or as we say in
the computer world,

a little downtime.

What happens after
you have a wedding?

Well, you kick out
all the relatives,

count your toasters, then
you go on your honeymoon.

What's a honeymoon?

Well, a honeymoon is, um...

Well, it's... It's a
very special time,

where the, uh... The
newlywed couple, um...

they get to know each other.

Don't they know each
other before the wedding?

Possibly.

But now they don't have
to hide it from their parents.

What did you and Aunt
Becky do on your honeymoon?

We were very busy.

Doing what?

Uh, writing thank you
notes for those toasters.

Listen, let's just
say that it's...

It's a really, really
fun trip to go on, okay?

Oh, thanks.

Where are you gonna
have your honeymoon?

I don't know. Hawaii.
Or... Chuck E. Cheese.

Come on, I got work to do.

Run along. Run along.

Nicky, Alex, don't touch that.

[BEEPS]

"File erased"?

Uh-oh.

Excuse me. Move.

[BABBLING]

Here it is,
Barbara-Ann Varanelli.

Danny, let's just drop it.

I did not steal your girlfriend.

We'll just see
about that, won't we?

Hello? Yes, is this
Barbara-Ann Varanelli?

Yes, yes. From... From...
From Golden Bay High School?

I am so glad I got ahold of you.

You're not gonna believe this.
This... This is Danny Tanner.

Right. Dan-Dan.

Yeah, all cleared up.

Look, uh, the
reason I'm calling you

is... Is actually kind
of silly, because...

It's very silly.

That was actually
Joey Gladstone.

She wants to say hi.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Babs... Hey, how's it going?

[CHUCKLES]

No, I can't.

I don't do Flip Wilson anymore.

Okay, for old time's sake.

[IMITATING FLIP WILSON]
The devil made me do it, honey.

Give me that.

Hi, it's, uh, Dan-Dan again.

I'm just gon... I'm just
gonna ask you this.

When you were dating
me in high school,

were you going
out with Joey too?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

No.

Really?

Oh. Well, thanks for
clearing that up for me.

Oh, uh, no, thanks.

But if I ever need any
Amway, I'll give you a call.

Well, I guess you feel pretty
darn silly right about now.

Actually, we should both
feel pretty silly right about now.

Turns out the only reason
Barbara was going out

with either of us was to
make some other guy jealous.

Well, who was he?

Some younger guy.
Maybe you know him.

His name was Jesse Katsopolis.

I do know him.

Mayday. SOS.

My whole report got erased.

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

Yeah, he's breaking my heart.

Hello. Hey, you guys.

Steph, Nicky and Alex
got to my computer,

they erased my whole
report. I need help.

All right everyone, stand back.

I'm gonna need
plenty of hot water.

To fix a computer?


No, I want some hot chocolate.

Okay.

Hey, Nicky, Alex,
my beautiful boys, hi.

Tell me: What did you do
to Daddy's computer, huh?

All gone.

All gone.

All gone?

Jess, isn't that cute?

I asked what they did to
your report, and they said...

Boys, Daddy's
computer is not a toy.

[BEEPS]

Steph, you brought
my report back.

How did you do that?

Simple. The a*t*matic
backup feature

saves your document
every 10 minutes.

Stephanie, you're
a genius. Mwah!

Well, I wouldn't say that.

But you're more than welcome to.

Hi. ALL: Hey.

DANNY: Deej, how
did your bake sale go?

Oh, it was great. Our
class raised over $50.

Of course 35 of
that was from Steve.

Yeah. And now I'm broke
'cause I didn't see that stupid sign:

"You eat it, you bought it."

Is everybody ready?

Ready for what?

For Michelle's wedding.

Steve, I know you
two will be very happy.

Steven, Steven, Steven,

is there something you'd
like to tell us, young man?

Michelle was just playing.

She asked Steve to marry her.

He gave her a ring.
It was so adorable.

Yeah, it was really cute.

You know, Steve, you're
a very lucky young man.

You'll be married to a woman

who can order from
the kiddie menu.

Uh, let's go, people.
The other guests are here.

[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Let's see who's here...

Oh, big bear. Yeah.
Wow, look at the turnout.

I don't recognize
any of these guests.

Here. Here. You guys
sit with the bride's family.

Ooh, look at the
bears. Here we go.

Okay. Everybody line up.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Wow, this is really nice. Nice.

You ready?!

MICHELLE
[SHOUTING]: Let's do it!

[PLAYS "WEDDING MARCH"]

What a beautiful bride.

What a beautiful tablecloth.

I think I'm gonna cry.

You know, it's funny.

I always thought
you'd get married first.

Don't start.

Uh, you, the
husband... over here.

Danny, look at it this way:

You're not losing a daughter,

you're gaining a
garbage disposal.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm so happy.

Yeah, me too.

Okay, the bride and
groom have to hold hands.

It's okay, Steve. I washed.

Now. Let's get you two married.

Do you, Steve, want
to marry Michelle?

Yeah. Huh, sure.

You're supposed to say, "I do."

Oh. S-sorry. I do.

Okay. Do you, Michelle,

want to marry Steve?

You bet I do.

Okay. I now announce
you husband and wife.

Yay. All right.

[APPLAUSE]

Great. Well, uh,
thanks, Michelle,

this was fun, but I
gotta get going now.

You can't go.

But I have to. See, my
mom's making meatloaf tonight.

But we're married.

We're supposed to
stay together all the time.

Uh, Michelle, you do realize

this was just a pretend
wedding, don't you?

No, Daddy, it was a real one.

Well, I think we, uh...

I think we might
have a problem here.

Uh, see, Michelle,

if you were really
married to Steve,

then you wouldn't
live in the same room

with Stephanie anymore. Right.

My own room? I'm sure
you two will be very happy.

Uh, what we mean is,
after you get married,

you move away from your
family. Is that what you want?

Uncle Jesse didn't move away.

Yeah, good point.

Steve, is Chuck E. Cheese
all right for our honeymoon?

Honeymoon?

Uh...

Um. Listen, Michelle...
[CLAPS HANDS]

my buddy...

I think that, uh... I think
that Steve and D.J.,

they were, uh,
just kidding around.

I mean, this whole
thing isn't for real.

I don't believe it.

I'm sorry, honey, but what
Uncle Jesse just said is true.

Michelle...

we thought that you
were just playing.

Steve?

Michelle, I'm really sorry.

I... I thought we were
just having some fun.

That was mean. Really mean.

Michelle?

I'm sorry you feel sad, honey.

Why won't Steve marry me?

Honey... you're 6 years old.

You're too young to get married.

But I love Steve.

Look, I-I know you do,

but it's not the same kind
of love that grown-ups feel

when they get married.

I hate being a little kid.

I can't stay up late,

I can't cross the street,

I can't get married.

Oh, honey... I
know how you feel.

It's tough being a kid.

And sometimes people forget
how little kids have feelings.

And right now, you're...

What you're feeling
is a broken heart.

Can you fix it?

I'll try.

But you gotta understand, see,

Steve is D.J.'s boyfriend.

She loves him and he loves her.

It's still broken.

Come here, honey.

[SIGHS]

Look... one day,
you'll be all grown up,

and you'll have a boyfriend.

And then you'll fall in love.

And then when
you're older than that...

Much, much, much, much,
much, much older than that

you'll get married.

And you'll get married
because you want to spend

all your time with that person.

I don't wanna wait.

Yeah, but there's
something great about waiting

for the person that you love.

What?

Well, in the meantime, you get
to be with the people you love.

You know, your family.

We're gonna make sure
that you have lots of fun,

and lots of hugs
and lots of kisses.

I think my heart
is feeling better.

Aw, that's my girl.

I love you so much.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Michelle, are you all right?

I guess so.

Michelle. Look, I-I
know you're angry at me,

but I want you to know, I never
meant to hurt your feelings.

Are we still friends?

Yeah, we're friends.

D.J., he's all yours.

Thanks, Michelle.

You know, we're feeling pretty
guilty about this whole thing,

so if there's anything we
can do to make it up to you,

now's the time to ask.

Yeah, you name it.

Well...

I'm thinking pizza
and plenty of it.

Sure. It's my treat.

Thanks, Steve.

Hey, no problem, Michelle.

Heh.

Uh, Mr. Tanner...

could I borrow a couple bucks?

Don't worry about it.

I'll put it on your tab.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, Steve. By the
way, call me "Mr. Tanner, sir ."

Would you mind?

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
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