[♪♪♪]
MAN [ON TV]: Okay, kids,
to hear today's new jokes,
ask your parents if you
can call your Funny Buddy
at the number on your screen.
Huh-huh-huh. Ha,
ha. Hee-hee-hee.
BOTH: Hee-hee-hee.
Ha, ha, ha. Hee-hee-hee.
Remember, it's only $2 a minute,
and don't forget
to ask your parents.
Huh-huh. Ha, ha,
ha. Hee-hee-hee.
BOTH: Hee-hee. Ha, ha, ha.
Are you going to call
Funny Buddy again?
Sure am.
Last time we told
one of his jokes,
milk came out of
my daddy's nose.
I asked my daddy if I
could call, and he said,
[IN DEEP VOICE] "Denise, do
you think money grows on trees?"
My daddy didn't say anything.
How come?
'Cause I asked him when
he was vacuuming the rug.
He probably didn't hear you.
That's the idea.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[♪♪♪]
Hi, Jennifer.
Jennifer. Cool shirts.
[IN UNISON] Thank you.
It's the latest style.
Everyone's wearing it.
I got mine at Sassy City.
Me too.
[IN UNISON] No way.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Look who's blocking
the aisles. Let's see,
Two Jennifer's and a Stephanie.
Three people. One
brain. No personality.
Hey, Charles, what do you
think of the human race?
We'd like an outsider's opinion.
Uh, Charles, Stephanie,
that's quite enough.
Let's take our seats, all right?
You two have just given
me a wonderful idea
for our next writing assignment.
Let's call it, "Finding
the Best in People."
Let's call it 3:00 and go home.
Let's call the principal
and see what he thinks.
[ALL LAUGHING]
All right, I want you
to interview each other.
And I want you to find the
best qualities in your partner,
and then write an
essay about them.
And I think I'm gonna pair
up Stephanie and Charles first,
since they inspired this.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, everybody.
Hi. Hey.
Did you want that?
That could be why
my hand's on it.
Who's reading
Catcher in the Rye?
Oh, me.
I gotta do a book report on
it for my night school class.
Me too. I got a report due
for my class. It's such a drag.
Tell me about it.
Book report? You guys
could try the Gibbler method.
Rent the movie.
Kimmy, that's a terrible idea.
And I checked.
It's not on video.
Why don't you try
reading the book?
Or each of you could read half.
Hey, Deej, remember
when Kathy Santoni and I
split up Much Ado About Nothing?
Yeah. She read Much
Ado, and you read nothing.
No, no. H-h-hold it a second.
You know what, Kimmy,
that's a good idea.
You know, you're not
as dumb as you look.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
No, see, this is good.
See you read the first half.
I'll read the second half.
Then we'll fill each other in.
Hey, sounds like a plan.
All right, brother.
Hey. We're home.
Hey, my boys.
Ohh, I missed you guys.
Did you have fun
with Uncle Joey today?
Oh, they sure did. We had
the best time at the park.
These guys love playing
in the sand so much
I think they brought
most of it home with 'em.
[CHUCKLES]
They're building
their own beach.
What is it with kids
and sandboxes, huh?
Jess, I have no idea
what the attraction is.
Okay, boys, let's show
Daddy what I taught you.
Okay, what do we do when
we get sand in our mouths.
[BOTH BLOW RASPBERRY]
Good influence, Joey.
Okay, it's joke time.
Gather around, ladies and germs.
It's time for the
joke of the day.
Okay, what did one
penny say to the other?
I don't know. What? What?
Got me. What is it?
Let's get together
and make some cents.
That's cute. You guys
should go on Jay Leno.
[IMITATING JAY
LENO] Course my guests
tonight are the fabulous
Michelle and Denise,
and, uh, they'll be
appearing at Zany's,
in wonderful Sandusky, Ohio,
the 22nd through
the, uh, the 28th.
Where'd you goofballs
learn these jokes from?
From Funny Buddy.
Denise.
What?
Let's go play outside.
I don't wanna play outside.
Trust me. You do.
I'm not exaggerating, Dad.
Nobody in school can
stand this kid Charles.
He's a total obnoxitrol.
Oh, come on, Steph.
How bad can he be?
Bad.
Fluffner, our class
bunny, tried to bite him.
STEPHANIE: Deej, help me out.
I have to do a
project with a real jerk.
You have tons of experience
dealing with someone
who's rude and crude.
Deej, do you have a
friend I don't know about?
Uh, look, Steph,
sometimes people can seem
obnoxious on the outside,
but when you spend
time alone with them,
really get to know them,
become friends with them,
you realize they're not so bad.
Who is this person?
Steph, come here.
I know Charlie might
seem like a jerk,
but, honey, there's
good in everybody.
Beck, may I ask you something?
Remember that guy we interviewed
on the show a couple weeks ago?
Was it Tommy Bun?
Oh, yeah. What a jerk.
Yeah. He did
charge over $1 million
on other people's
credit cards, but, uh,
remember later he showed
us a different side of himself.
Yeah. He mooned us.
Actually, before that.
Before he told us that stuff, he
told us how he used to carpool.
Course, it was a stolen car.
And he... he was
fleeing the country.
I wish he had taken
Charles with him.
Oh, Come on,
sweetie, be nice to him.
Maybe it'll rub off on him.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Battle stations.
Okay, I'll be nice.
Hello, Charles. Nice to see you.
Yeah. I wish I felt the same.
Everybody, this is Charles.
Hi. D.J.: Hi.
Hey, Steph, I see
where you get your looks.
Well, thanks.
Yeah. I didn't say good looks.
Could we just do the
assignment, okay?
I can hardly wait.
Maybe there isn't
good in everybody.
What a brat.
Somebody needs to
teach that kid manners.
I wonder if he's
got an older brother.
He, heh. Who's room is this?
Rainbow Brite's?
Let's just do the assignment.
Okay. What did you
do today that was nice?
Well, uh, I didn't put bubble
gum on anyone's chair.
What a prince.
Oh, Stephanie.
Oh, look. It's half a person.
You've got a bad attitude.
What is it, Michelle?
We're studying.
You're in big trouble with Dad.
Big, big, big, big,
big, bug, big... Okay.
Okay. I get it. What did I do?
You forgot to take
the garbage out again.
Uh-oh.
Dad said he'll
deal with you later.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Well, I guess you're
really in for it now, huh?
Yeah. That's twice this week.
My dad's gonna flip out on me.
You know what helps? Try
thinking of a funny movie,
like... like Home
Alone or Roger Rabbit.
That's what I always
do when I'm getting it.
Getting what?
Well, you know, when
your dad's pounding you.
You mean hitting?
My dad never hits me.
Does yours hit you?
No. Just... just...
just forget it.
L-let's do the assignment.
But you said you always
think of a funny movie.
Do you get hit a lot?
Look, I didn't mean anything
by it. Just forget it, okay?
Let's do the assignment.
Charles, you can
trust me, I swear.
No. I don't care if you
swear on your mother's life.
My mother is not alive.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Mine's not alive either.
I'm sorry.
Look, the thing is,
my dad does hit me sometimes,
but it's my own fault
for ticking him off.
Boy, did he really
clobber me last week.
You mean, when you came
to school with that black eye,
and you said you
walked into a door?
Yeah. A door named Dad.
Maybe you should tell someone.
No. No.
I-I can't tell anyone,
and neither can you.
What time is it?
Five-thirty.
I forgot to phone my dad and
tell him I was gonna be late.
He's gonna k*ll me.
I gotta go. I gotta go.
But, Charles.
Steph, you gotta swear to me.
You can't tell anyone
as long as you live.
Ever. Got it? Okay?
Okay. I swear.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Hi, Stephanie. New top? Yeah.
Like you said,
it's the latest style.
But that was yesterday.
Oh, haven't you heard? It's
coming back again after lunch.
[IN UNISON] No way.
Good morning, class.
Stephanie,
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to find you another partner
for your assignment.
Why? I thought I was
working with Charles?
Well, he's gonna be out all
week. He had an accident.
He is an accident.
Hey, cut it out.
That's not funny.
Hey. Don't have a freak att*ck.
All right. That's enough.
Let's take our seats.
Mrs. Patterson? Yeah.
Uh. What kind of
accident did Charles have?
Well, his father said
he fell down the stairs.
Oh, no.
What is it, Stephanie?
Um... Nothing.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Okay. Who wants
to hear another joke?
[BOTH GROAN]
Oh, now, don't you
have a sense of humor?
Of course they do.
Come on, guys, give the
girls some encouragement.
After all, they look up to you.
Well, actually, they
look up to everyone.
[CHUCKLES]
Just laugh.
Now, what's a
frog's favorite drink?
What? BOTH: I don't know.
Croak-a-cola.
[LAUGHS]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Whoa. That was a good one.
Hey, Steph, you
wanna hear a joke?
Nah.
It's really funny.
They laughed their heads off.
I'm not really in
the mood for a joke.
Let's go tell Nicky and Alex.
Yeah. They'll laugh at anything.
Come on, Deej.
Help me set the table.
Okay, Steve, I've
finished my half.
Let's go through this
Catcher in the Rye.
All right, no problem. I finished
my half. How was yours?
My half wasn't,
uh, wasn't half bad.
Yeah, I-I gotta admit,
I liked my half, too.
I-I'm dying to find
out what happens.
I wanna find out what
happens before it happened.
Lay it on me. Okay, well, um,
first, you know that guy Holden,
he gets kicked outta school.
Oh, yeah, I noticed he had
a lot of time on his hands,
but I didn't know why. Good.
Okay, um, i-it was really
funny. I was laughing out loud.
Yeah? What was so funny?
Oh, oh, well, you know, the
characters were acting funny,
a-a-and saying
all this funny stuff.
Right. It was funny, man.
First half of the
book: "funny, man?"
I-I'm trying to explain it.
I just can't say it as
good as he wrote it.
You know, guys,
this could be why
most people read
both halves of the book.
This is ridiculous. No, no,
no, I'm done with shortcuts.
I'm gonna read the whole book,
I missed a lot of good things.
You know, it's
like ordering pizza,
and then stopping
after only six slices.
Yeah, or like... Like
only seeing half a movie.
I remember I walked
into Tootsie late once.
I kept saying to myself,
"who's that ugly woman?"
Come on. We got
some reading to do.
Alrighty.
Hey, you know, in
Tootsie, that was a guy.
No, seriously, he
was wearing a wig.
You know, Deej, I think
that your Uncle Jesse's
gonna be a really
positive influence on Steve.
Yeah. And even if his
grades don't improve,
his hair is gonna look great.
Joey, look at this phone bill.
Two dollars, $6.00, $3.00.
Danny, I have never called
a 976 number in my life.
Okay. Once.
I tried that dating service,
but I stopped after I
got my Aunt Frieda.
Joey, I am not accusing
you. I'm just asking you.
Why am I always the
one who gets asked?
I mean, somebody leaves
cheese in the hamper,
right away, it's my fault.
The gouda was in your pants.
[SCOFFS]
Like you never left a wedge
of cheese in your pants.
I'm just gonna call this number
myself and just see what it is.
Does anybody want
to hear another joke?
How could you tell if there's
an elephant in the refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter.
Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hee,
hee, hee. Heh, heh, heh.
How did you know that?
Your Funny Buddy just told me.
Uh-oh.
Ooh.
You're busted.
Joey, you were right. I'm sorry.
Now, could you do me a favor
and drive Denise home? 'Cause
I wanna talk to Michelle about
her Funny Buddy phone bill.
Certainly. But in this
wonderful land of ours
that I like to call America,
everyone is innocent
until proven guilty.
♪ My country 'Tis of ♪
♪ Thee ♪
I love you people.
♪ Sweet land of... ♪
Michelle,
did you know these Funny
Buddy calls cost money?
Yes, I did.
You did? Did you know
that every call you make
shows up on this bill?
No, but I do wish
somebody told me.
S-so you knew you
were doing wrong,
but you still went
ahead and did it.
I'm really sorry, Daddy.
I'll never do it again.
Hold it.
Not so fast.
I mean, come back here, please.
You know, sometimes saying
you're sorry is not enough.
But sometimes it is.
Well, not this time, okay?
Every night this week, you're
gonna go to bed an hour earlier.
I want you to think
about what you did wrong.
But that's not fair.
I think it is fair. I
want you upstairs.
But... No.
No "buts." I want
you upstairs pronto.
[MUTTERING] I can't make a
phone call. Daddy's so mean...
I can't do anything around here.
I'm never talking
to Daddy again.
He's a big meanie.
Don't say that.
He's making me go to bed early.
Big deal.
It is to me.
Look, I'm telling you.
Don't ever call Dad names.
You can't tell me what to do.
Yes, I can. I'm your big sister.
You're not that big.
I'm bigger than you.
So. So.
So. So.
So. So.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Itchy,
Scratchy, what's going on here?
I'm trying to read out here.
Michelle's saying
terrible things about Dad.
Daddy punished me.
Oh, now, Michelle, listen,
your dad's a very fair man.
If he punished you, I'm sure
there was a good reason.
Well, there is.
But I still don't like it.
You hang in there, okay?
Okay.
Come on, Comet.
Watch me brush my teeth.
It's almost my new bedtime.
Big deal. So she
has to go to bed early.
Doesn't she know
how lucky we are?
Some kids get punished
a lot worse than that.
Stephanie, where's
this coming from?
Here. Sit down here.
Is there something
you wanna talk about?
Yeah.
I can't hear you
unless you speak up.
I can't. I promised
I wouldn't tell.
And you guys taught me
never to break a promise.
Yes. Well, that's a good rule,
but once in a while there
are exceptions to every rule.
There are?
Yeah. Like that one
about, you know,
not being able to
swim after you eat,
you know, you have to
wait an hour? I hate that rule.
I mean, sure it applies, say,
you eat a big steak dinner,
right, you have a steak, you
have a baked potato, sour cream.
Then, yes, an hour. Say you eat
a cr*cker? This makes no sense.
Here's where the
exception comes in.
You eat a cr*cker, I
say, boom, five minutes,
bada-bing you're in the pool.
A peanut? I sa... Eat the peanut
and swim. Who cares, right?
There's all these exce... A
whole plethora of exceptions.
Uncle Jesse, I don't think
this is that kind of exception.
Now, look, Steph,
you're a very smart kid.
Just use your common sense.
If I tell you, can we
just keep it between us?
Well, I can't promise that
unless I know
what the secret is.
That's what I should've said.
Okay.
There's this kid in
my class. Charles.
His father hits him... bad.
He really hurts
him, Uncle Jesse.
Are you sure, Steph?
Positive.
He told me all about it.
And he wasn't in school today.
The teacher said he
had another "accident."
Oh, I gotta report
this right now.
Why? Because...
if I don't, I'm gonna go
straighten him out myself.
No, Uncle Jesse. Please.
I swore I wouldn't tell.
Listen, sweetheart,
I know you want to
keep your promise.
But if you know
this is happening,
and you don't say
anything about it,
you're only helping
it happen again.
But what'll happen to
Charles if we report it?
What'll happen to
Charles if we don't?
[♪♪♪]
Steph, I'm glad you're home.
Listen, I want to talk to you
about your pal Charles, okay?
It's been a whole week
and he's still not in school.
I'm worried about him.
I know. Listen, um...
I made some calls today,
and the child
welfare people, um...
they took Charles, and
they put him in a foster family.
They took him
away from his home?
I never should've told you.
Now he's gonna hate me.
This is all your fault.
Stephanie, knock it
off. Stephanie, listen.
It's not my fault.
It's not your fault.
We weren't the
ones hurting Charles.
Then why'd they have to
take him out of his house?
They had to, he
wasn't safe there.
What's gonna happen to Charles?
Charles and his
father need help,
and now they're gonna get it.
Sweetheart, please believe
me, you did the right thing.
Then why do I feel so lousy?
'Cause it's a
lousy situation, kid.
[SIGHS]
Listen,
I realize how hard
this was for you.
But the bottom line
is, thanks to you,
thanks to Stephanie,
Charles' father
can't hurt him tonight.
What made his father so mean?
I don't know.
I look at you girls,
and I look at Nicky and Alex.
How can anyone hurt their child?
Dad just pulled in.
It's time for dinner.
Let's go eat.
Okay, everybody, I got pizzas.
Eat 'em while they're
hot. Mm-mm-mm.
JOEY: Pass it around.
BECKY: Hey, Nick, do
you want some pizza?
D.J.: Is there any pepperoni?
Thanks. What was that for?
Nothin'. I just felt like it.
I'll take a free hug anytime.
Okay. Here we go.
You hungry?
[♪♪♪]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪