06x18 - Please Don't Touch The Dinosaur

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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06x18 - Please Don't Touch The Dinosaur

Post by bunniefuu »

[PLAYING "THIS OLD MAN"]

BOTH: ♪ This old
man He played one ♪

♪ He played knickknack
On my thumb ♪

MICHELLE: Guys, guys, guys.

That's cute, but we're
falling asleep here.

Well, what would
you suggest, shorty?

Play something
that we can dance to.

[JAMAICAN ACCENT] Reggae, man.

Reggae!

Okay, let's go. Come on, boys.

[REGGAE BEATS
PLAYING ON KEYBOARD]

JOEY: Yeah!

[PLAYING REGGAE MUSIC]

Ooh, la, la, la, la.

♪ This old man He played one ♪

♪ He played a-knick-a-knack
On my thumb ♪

♪ With a knickknack
A-paddywhack ♪

♪ Give a dog a bone ♪

Now it's a party.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

"And so Dexter the
dinosaur finally got his supper:

a nice, big palm tree."

See, Michelle, even back then,

they knew the importance
of a high-fiber diet.

Okay. Good night. Lights out.

Wait. Are we going to see
real dinosaurs tomorrow?

Well, Michelle,

the museum only
has dinosaur bones.

You see, dinosaurs
lived a long, long time ago,

long before people, okay?

Enough stalling, okay?

Lights out.

But Fred Flintstone
had dinosaurs.

Sweetheart, Fred
Flintstone is a cartoon.

He has no neck.

He showers with
an elephant's trunk.

Now, that is it.

Good night.

Lights out.

Hi, guys.

Lights on.

Listen, Danny, Mrs.
Gwelf just called

from the
parent-volunteer program.

She's sick and can't
help you with the kids

tomorrow at the museum.

Oh, no.

I can't handle this by myself.

Sixteen kids and one parent?

Custer had better
odds than that.

You mean, I'm not going to
see any dinosaurs tomorrow?

I'm sorry, sweetheart,

not unless we can
get another volunteer.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

I know what you guys are...

I'm hip to your little
game here, okay?

First you'll give me
that sad little face...

[BLUBBERS] like this.

I start feeling guilty.
Then you kick in with the:

[IMITATING MICHELLE] "Uncle Jesse.
Please, Uncle Jesse. We need you."

Then I'll start breakin'
down. I'll start changin' my...

Okay, I'll go! Get off my back.

I'm getting good at this.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, welcome
aboard, Jess. Mm-hmm.

I'm sure you can fill
Mrs. Gwelf's shoes.

She wears these red pumps.

Don't start. You'll
look adorable in them.

Good night, sweetie.
Good night, honey.

Not you, her. Michelle.

Good night. Uncle Jesse?

Can you read me another
"Dexter the dinosaur" story?

Sure, munchkin.

Michelle, come on,
you know the rules:

one bedtime story and
30 seconds of stalling.

You've had both.

Danny, what's the big
deal? It's just one story.

We'll do, uh...
This is good. Okay.

Dexter the Dinosaur's
Trip to the Tar Pit.

"The last in a series."

Jess, rules are rules.

Rules were meant to be broken.

Piñatas were meant to be broken.

Are you guys starting to fight?

No, no. No fighting.
Not at all. No way.

We're just having
a spirited discussion

about our different
philosophies, that's all.

I don't know
what that is, but...

let's go get some ice
cream and talk about it.

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Good night, Michelle.

Good night.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

Joey, the kids are gonna
be here any minute.

Could you just rinse these off

and put 'em in the dishwasher?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, sure.

Thanks, bud. Yeah.

You know what? I'll, uh...

I'll just leave 'em in the sink.

Don't you worry about 'em.

Thanks. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Okay. STEPH: Okay, Joey.

I washed and waxed your car,

cleaned out your trunk junk

and, uh, chiseled
the Raisinettes

out of your ashtray.

Well, Steph, it certainly sounds
like I got my 10 bucks' worth.

Here you go, and, uh, thank you.

All right.

I'll add this 10 dollars

to the "Stephanie
Tanner New Bike" fund,

bringing the grand
total to... 10 dollars.

Oh! What do you want
me to do with this junk?

Hey, you cleaned it. You own it.

See ya.

[STEVE SIGHS]
Don't worry about it.

But it's my prom.

If I had the cash,
I'd get a nice tux

and rent one of those big limos.

Steve, I don't need a big
limo. I don't even like limos.

All I need is you.

All I need is you.

All I need is something

to keep my breakfast down.

Hey, Steve, do you
collect baseball cards?

Nah, just the gum.

Wow, check it out.

These cards are from 1968.

My brother might like 'em.

Look at these guys.

"Wilbur Wood." Bad hair.

"Nolan Ryan." Bad hair.

"Don Zimmer."

No hair.

Hey, this Jim Palmer
guy's pretty cute.

Cute?

I'll take that.

Well... Goodbye.

Gotta go. Thanks
for the cards, Steph.

Heh. Just leave the
cute guy with me.

Bye.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hi, D.J. Hi, Stephie.

Hi. Hey. Hi, you guys.

The boys have fun

at Cooper's birthday party?

Oh, yeah. Are you kidding?

They were a couple
of party animals.

Here you go.

[CHUCKLES]

[TWINS TOOTING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, do you guys
want some juice?

D.J.'s got some juice for ya.

Remember what I taught you?

To health, wealth
and dry diapers.

D.J.: Cheers.

Cheers.

[CHUCKLING]

Hey, what's this?

Jim Palmer, the guy
from the underwear ads.

Wow. He looks good
even with his pants on.

Whoo.

Wow, look at that:
"Born in New York City."

You know, these old cards,
they can be really, really valuable.

My brother, he's a
collector, and, um...

Well, he held on to his
Nolan Ryan, 1968, rookie card.

It's now worth
over 2000 dollars.

Two-thousand dollars
for Nolan Ryan?

I just had that card.

Stretch limo, here I come.

I thought you said
you didn't like limos.

That was before I
had a rich boyfriend.

You still don't. It's my money.

Dream on. You gave
that card to Steve.

I was cleaning out Joey's car.

[BOTH ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]

[TOOTS]

Girls, could someone
calmly explain to me

what's goin' on here?

Okay. Sure. All right.

[BOTH CLAMORING INDISTINCTLY]

[KIDS LAUGHING]

And when we get to the museum,

we gotta see those dead
guys wrapped up in toilet paper.

KIDS: Eew!

Let's get this prehistoric
party on the road.

Is everybody pumped?

Oh, yes.

I was awake all
night in anticipation.

I bet you were, Derek.

Why'd Mrs. Gwelf
have to get sick?

Now we're stuck with you.

[CHUCKLING]

Aaron, my boy, you know,

why don't we, uh, just
drop you off at her house?

Maybe she has
something contagious.

Uncle Jesse, can
we bring some music?

Sure, Michelle. We're
here to have a good time.

Crank it up, sister.

Cool. [TURNS ON TAPE PLAYER]

KIDS: Yay! JESSE: Yay!

[DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING, KIDS GIGGLING]

Okay. [CLICKING]

All right, settle
down. Settle down.

Whoa! Off my couch.
Off my couch, buddy.

Settle down, please.

Settle... Hello? [MUSIC STOPS]

KIDS: Aww.

Jess, I thought you were
gonna get the kids organized.

Oh, they're organized.
They're all here.

No one's bleeding.

All right, kids, today we're
gonna learn a whole lot,

and we're gonna
have a wonderful time.

We're gonna pair off in buddies

and explore the museum
in two nice, straight lines.

Danny, it's a field
trip, not boot camp.

Jess, kids need rules.

Our prisons are chock full of
people who went on field trips,

where nobody
told them the rules.

Hey, can we go before
we're as old as the dinosaurs?

Uh, I got an idea.
You know what?

We'll split the little goobers
up into two little groups.

You do your thing,
and I'll do my thing.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Okay, everybody that
wants a day of adventure

and enlightenment,

line up with me right over here.

[CLICKING]

And everyone who wants to
get down with the dinosaurs,

hustle your little
heinies over here.

Okay, everybody,
arms down at your sides.

Stand up straight, chest out,

and stare at the
back of the head

of the person in
front of you. Not you.

DENISE [WHISPERING]:
Psst, Michelle.

Everybody, in a circle. Put
your hands in. That's good.

All right.

Hey, Michelle,
welcome to the group.

Is it all right if I
go with them?

Sure. Sure, you go ahead.
You do whatever you want.

Come on, Michelle.
MICHELLE: All right.

JESSE: Put your hand in.
We're in the fun group today!

KIDS: Yay!

[♪♪♪]

[CLICKS]

Kids, quiet, please.

No chewing gum.

'Cause we're in a museum.

Heh. Rhymes. Isn't that funny?

I made that up.

Ahh, look at this.

This is a fine specimen
of dinosaurhood, isn't it?

This is, uh... This
is my old friend.

This is, uh,
Tsintaosaurus spinorhinus.

He was a bird-hipped dinosaur

that belonged to the
hadrosaur or duck-billed family

of plant-eating dinosaurs.

That was way back at the
end of the Mesozoic era.

Yes, Terri?

You're smart.

You should be on Jeopardy!

Aw, thanks, Terri.

He's not smart. He's
reading the plaque.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

[CLICKS] You know, Aaron,

one of the reasons
this guy is extinct

is 'cause he talked
back to a bigger dinosaur.

Sorry, sir. It'll
never happen again.

All right. Now, look
at that... [GIGGLES]

[CLICKS]

[KIDS LAUGHING]

[JESSE WHOOPING]

Oh, look who's
here. The wild bunch.

All right, g*ng. Look at this.

This is the, uh...

This is the rare
bonehead-a-saurus.

Not the tall kid with the tie,

the big brown one.

How come you never see
these guys hangin' out anymore?

'Cause they used to live
with the Fred Flintstones,

but then they got canceled.

Well, Jess, I don't
hear any sirens goin' off.

So I assume your group's
been behavin' themselves.

Well, actually,
Colonel Compulsive,

we're having a very
educational afternoon.

Michelle, tell your old
man what you learned.

We learned about whales,
mummies and birds.

You see that? Whales,
mummies and birds, okay?

So you can have fun
and learn at the same time.

It's very simple.

But the most fun was
the escalator races.

Hey, whoa, whoa! [KIDS CHEERING]

Stop with the escalator races.

Escalator races.
That's fascinating.

Guess we must've
missed that exhibit, huh?

Okay, my group of
well-behaved, beautiful children,

I'd like you to
stay in this room

and check out the rest
of the exhibit, okay?

Now, find your buddy.

All right. [CLICKING]

Have fun.

Okay, my very cool
group, find your buddy.

[KIDS CHEERING]
Whoa! Ho, ho, ho.

See? I'm their buddy.

Okay. Okay, good.

Now, you guys run
off and have some fun.

But learn, okay?
Learn and have fun.

You see, you don't have
to treat the kids like soldiers.

Let 'em have a little freedom.

You'll be surprised
what they do.

Yeah. They're
mastering the limbo there.

Oh, Danny, relax.

They're just
havin' a little fun.

[JAMAICAN ACCENT]
No harm done, brother man.

Yeah, yeah.

[MOCKING] No harm
done, brother man.

I don't need advice from a guy

who spent his childhood
in the principal's office.

Look who's talking. Here's a guy

who's so proud
to be hall monitor,

just so he can bust people

because they put their
lips on the drinking fountain.

If it wasn't for guys like you,

we wouldn't need hall monitors.

Hey, what's your
problem today, man?

I don't have any. If that sign
didn't say, "Quiet, please,"

I'd tell you what
your problem was.

Who cares about being
quiet? Everything in here's dead.

Yeah, but your
group's alive and kickin'.

Aw, Derek, not
you. Hey... Now...

And stop throwin' those pamph...

Throw another pamphlet,
I'm comin' up there.

All right, one more after
that, I'm runnin' up those stairs.

All right, come on. Pick 'em up.

Pick 'em up. Hand 'em over...

All right. My group,
everybody line up over here.

[CLICKING]

Perfect.


Okay, now we're going to march

into the wonderful world
of rocks and minerals.

You ready? Hold onto your socks.

We're gonna see rocks.

[CLICKING]

Hey, Michelle, you
wanna play tag?

You think we should?

Of course. We're the fun group.

Oh, yeah. And you're it.

[LAUGHING]

JESSE: Hey! Hold
it! Whoa! Hey! Stop!

Mellow out.

[KIDS GIGGLING]

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Hey, drop that dinosaur.

I mean, set it down
gingerly. Hey, guys, guys.

Hey, stop it! Give me
that thing. Give me that.

MICHELLE: You're
it. You can't get me.

You can't get me.

You can't get me. You can't...

Oops!

Uh-oh!

[♪♪♪]

[GIRL SCREAMING]

Are you guys, okay?

[SNIFFLES]

I broke the dinosaur.

Man, there's nothin'
left but his butt.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

All right, don't panic.
Everything's going to be okay.

All we have to do is... put
it back together somehow.

All right, how's that
song go? Oh, I got it.

Uh... oh! All right.

♪ Leg bone is connected
To a foot bone ♪

♪ And a foot bone is
connected To a rib bone ♪

Of course. A
foot... Foot bone...

♪ The rib bone Is
connected to... ♪

Jesse!

What did you do?!

You have any glue?

[♪♪♪]

Okay, thank you.

Was Steve there? No.

I called the Pizza
Shack, the Burger Corral

and the Falafel Palace,

and they all said
the same thing:

"He just left."

Deej, it's obvious
what happened.

Steve finds out the
Nolan Ryan card

is worth big bucks.

Now he's got two
grand in his pocket.

So he carbo-loads,
flies to Fort Lauderdale

and becomes a judge

in the Sun-and-Buns
bikini contest.

Thanks, Kimmy.

Hey, that's what Grandpa
did when he won the lotto.

Hi. Have you decided
who the card belongs to?

It is still mine. Card
belongs to Steve.

[BOTH CLAMORING]

I see you're still
working on it.

Hey, does Joey know about this?

Know about what?

Joey, remember all
that junk from your car?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, there was

a Nolan Ryan baseball card
in there, worth 2000 dollars.

Two thousand dollars?

A two with three zeros?

Oh, we're out of juice.

Hey, everybody.

Where have you been?

Hey, Steph, did you know

that one of those baseball cards

you gave me is worth money?

Really?

Fork it over.

Well, it's too late.

I already sold it to
my brother's friend

for a pretty nice
chunk of change.

Yes!

And, Steph, since
you gave me the card,

the money goes to you.

Yes!

Steve, did you know that
Joey gave her that card?

Oh, really? Then I
guess the right thing to do

is I give the money to Joey.

BOTH [IN UNISON]: No!

Yes.

And, uh, Steve, since
you did the right thing,

I'm gonna do the right thing,

and I'm gonna split the
money with all you guys.

Yeah!

Yes! My new bike.

Prom in a limo!

You know, I've never
been to Dollywood.

How are you guys gonna
do all that on 30 bucks?

What are you saying?

Is that a three with one zero?

Hey, Donald Chump,

that card was worth 2000 bucks.

What?! That little
twerp ripped me off?

Well, don't worry, okay?

Because I'm gonna
get that card back for us.

Well, Steve, what if he doesn't

wanna give it back?
He's 9 years old.

I'm captain of the
wrestling team.

We'll work it out.

You gotta love him.

Hey, Jess... tell me again.

The foot bone's
connected to what?

Come on, give it a rest, okay?

They said they
could fix the dinosaur.

And I promised to do
volunteer work at the museum.

For the 10 weekends in a row,

I'm gonna be combing
out the woolly mammoth.

You're lucky they
didn't press charges.

I asked you to make sure
the kids follow the rules.

But did you listen to me?
No, not you. Not Mr. Fun-Boy.

Come on, Mr. Law-and-Order,

I was just trying to let
the kids have some fun.

So it got... a
little out of hand.

A little out of hand?

Jess, a little out of hand

is cutting in line
at the algae exhibit.

You let the kids
run totally wild.

They knocked over
a priceless dinosaur.

Come on, it's not priceless.

They said it was
only worth about

like 4 million bucks.

When are you gonna
stop tryin' to be Mr. Cool

and start taking your
responsibilities more seriously?

Get off my back. I'll
get off when you start...

Stop it! Stop fighting!

I'm the one who knocked
it over, remember?

It's my fault!

Let's go.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Listen, Michelle.

What happened with
the dinosaur today

was not your fault.

But I'm the one
who knocked it over.

It was an accident, sweetheart.

A humongous accident.

Well, yeah, you're right.

But you shouldn't have
been running around.

The reason the
dinosaur got knocked over

is because I was doin' a
lousy job of being in charge.

I was tryin' to be cool
and be loose and, uh,

wound up messing everything up.

I'm sorry.

I wanted to be in the fun group,

but it was no fun.

I wish I never went
with you, Uncle Jesse.

Just a second, Michelle.

I want you to take it
easy on your Uncle Jesse.

I've been rough enough
on him for the both of us.

Nah, that's okay,
Danny. I deserve it.

No. You... You
deserve some of it.

Truth is, I think...

I think I was a little hurt

when Michelle chose
to go with your group.

And that's...

That's why I was so
hard on you today.

Sorry, Jess.

Cool.

Michelle, you have to remember

how much you love
your Uncle Jesse

and how much fun
you have with him.

You might not believe this,

but before he moved in with us,

I used to be a little
on the stiff side.

BOTH [IN UNISON]: No.

Yeah. Yeah, it's true.

But it took a guy
like your uncle,

who knew how to hang loose.

[CHUCKLES]

He taught me how
to bend a little bit.

I think it's helped
make me a better father.

Well, your dad taught me

what being a father's all about.

I mean, he may
be a little strict,

and he may have a lot of rules,

but I think it's just
'cause he cares so much.

[JAMAICAN ACCENT]
Aw, thanks, brother man.

[JAMAICAN ACCENT]
Ain't nothing, brother man.

Now, Michelle,

next time you see me
bend a little too much,

you let me know, okay?

And if I get a
little carried away,

and I start making
too many rules,

you let me know too.

Does this mean I'll get
extra bedtime stories?

No. Yes.

Well, yeah, then... No.

Boy, it's hard keeping
up with you two.

[LAUGHING]

I got nine ribs.

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
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