06x20 - Grand Gift Auto

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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06x20 - Grand Gift Auto

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪♪♪]

Now you look sharp.

Thank you.

Oh, there you are, boys.

Hey, come on. It's time to eat.

Oh, very classy.

Nicky, who are you
supposed to be?

That's my daddy.

[AS POPEYE] I guess
you still have a little problem

with that Windsor knot, eh?

[LAUGHS]

And who are you
supposed to be, Alex?

He's Uncle Jesse.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, Michelle, you've got
Uncle Jesse and you got Daddy.

I'm starting to feel
a little left out here.

I didn't forget you.

Okay.

[YAWNS]

Yeah.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Hey, girls. Where's D.J.?

She's upstairs. Okay,
come on, everybody.

D.J., come on, let's go!
Come on! Come on down!

Let's go! Joey, what's going on?

I haven't seen you this excited

since they brought back
the McRib. [CHUCKLES]

Becky, I am way past the McRib.

Joey, what is it? Okay,
come on, you guys.

What?

Well, you ready for
your birthday present?

More? Joey, you already
took me to the hockey game.

Well, that was just to
take your mind off the fact

that I didn't get you a
real birthday present.

Come on, let's go! Come
on, everybody, let's go!

JOEY: Happy 16th birthday.

[SCREAMS]

It's a car!

It's a red car!

It's my red car!

Joey, thank you.

Whoa, a '77 Firebird.

Joey, this is some
serious ride-age here.

Is that a car?

That's a very nice car, huh?

[NICKY BABBLES]

And you be nice to Joey, okay?
Because maybe for your birthday

he'll get you those
beautiful diamond earrings

I've been... You've
been wanting.

Come on. There you go.

Say bye-bye. Say bye-bye, Joey.

NICKY & ALEX: Bye.

Bye-bye.

Steve, get in.

You mean I can eat in your car?

Sure. I love you.

[CHUCKLES]

Wow, this is even cooler

that what Joey got
me for my birthday.

Michelle, you got a Slinky.

I said it was cooler.

Joey, when I agreed
to let you buy D.J. a car,

I-I told you I wanted
to pick it out with you.

I mean, I bought all
the consumer guides.

I called Ralph Nader.

I'm sorry, but it was a
great car and a great deal.

And the woman who was selling
it had another offer coming in,

so I had to jump on it.

Joey, I love this car.

The power windows,
the stereo, the T-tops.

And don't forget to tell your
dad about the seat belts,

the padded dash, and
trash bags front and rear.

Well, I love it all,

and I promise I'll
be really careful.

Trash bags front and rear?

I know you'll be careful.
Enjoy the car, honey.

Aw, Joey, you just made
one new driver really happy.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, thanks, Danny.

You know, I couldn't
love D.J. any more

if she were my own daughter.

Mwah. [CHUCKLES]

Mwah.

Kimmy, Steve, I'll
go get my license,

and we'll cruise.

Do you people have any idea

how good I look with my
hair flowing in the wind?

None whatsoever.

Joey, you mind
if I start her up?

Oh, no, be my guest.

She's in great
shape. Really cherry.

See, the little old lady who
sold it to me only drove it...

Don't tell me, on
Sundays to church.

No, actually it was
Wednesdays to electrolysis.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Yeah, she's purring now.

Look at this
high-gloss paint job.

This car is absolutely perfect,

except for this little
speck on the windshield,

which, of course, we'll
take care of right now.

Well, that's better, okay.

[SPUTTERS]

The important thing
is, this car runs great.

Better check this out.

Joey, didn't you have a
mechanic look at the car?

Well, of course I... No.

Oh!

Well, looks like the
battery's about 10 years old.

The, uh... fan belt
looks loose and...

whatever this gum
is holding together...

it ain't holding it
together anymore.

Why do I let you out
without adult supervision?

What am I gonna tell D.J.?
She was so darn happy.

Ah, it's all right,
Joey. You know what?

I think I can fix it. You think?

I don't want her driving
a car that'll break down.

Me neither. You know,
it's not one big thing.

It looks like a
bunch of little things.

You know what?
It'll be no problem

in the skilled hands
of Mr. Good Hair.

Don't you mean Mr. Goodwrench?

No.

Can you stall D.J. while
I work on these things?

Stall? Me?

[CHUCKLES] Hey, no problem.

I'll tell her about
my first car.

What a cream
puff that thing was.

Wow, push-button transmission,

Scotchgarded floor
mats, AM radio.

You want range, you gotta go AM.

I remember one time I was
just, you know, cruising around

and I picked up
Winnemucca, Nevada.

Stall them, not us.

Right.

♪ Beep, beep Beep, beep ♪

♪ The horn went
"Beep, beep, beep" ♪

Okay, now just the
boys. ♪ Beep, beep ♪

♪ Beep, beep ♪

♪ The horn went
"Beep, beep, beep" ♪

All right, come on,
now. Just the girls.

♪ Beep, beep Beep, beep ♪

♪ The horn went
"Beep, beep, beep" ♪

Now everybody... A
little bit louder this time.

♪ Beep, beep Beep, beep... ♪

Joey. Yeah.

Hand me... Hand me the
socket wrench, will you?

Okay, I'm on it.

Socket wrench.

Socket wrench.

Okay.

Socket wrench.

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, socket wrench.
Man's best friend.

Oh, look, the paperboy.

[BARKS]

Yeah, Jess, I found
the socket wrench.

One socket wrench coming at you.

[THUD] Ow!

Next tool you drop on my head

will be permanently
inserted up your nose.

I'm sorry.

At least I dropped
the right tool this time.

Just start the car, huh?

Okay.

All right, let her rip. Okay.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[JOEY GROANS]

Brilliant.

Jess, you are brilliant.

Oh-ho!

Oh.

Oil-soaked, but brilliant.

[SPITS]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLING]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Joey, uh...

You know earlier
when I asked you

to change the oil filter?

Uh, might have you
forgotten to, say, uh,

tighten it down?

Well, uh... Uh,

judging by your,
uh... Your face, I'd...

I'd s-s-say that's a
distinct possibility, yes.

Hi, guys.

Something wrong with the car?

Oh, no, couldn't be
better. It runs great. Fine.

You bought a lemon,
huh? JESSE: Look.

The car is gonna be fine

if I can just get
back to work here.

Now, I need some help.

Uh, Steph, can you
go get me another shirt?

Consider it done. Thanks.

Is there anything I can do?

♪ Beep, beep Beep, beep ♪

♪ The horn went "beep"... ♪
Somebody sh**t me.

Look, Mr. Tanner, we're
all pretty beeped out.

Dad, when can I have my car?

I told you, in a little while.

Right now the guys
are... Are are cleaning it.

Joey's probably
going over the seats

with a can of Armor
All and a Q-Tip.

Lucky duck.

Wai...! Wait! Um...

Look who's
coming. It... It's, uh...

[STRUMS]

Aunt Becky with
Michelle and the boys!

Say hi, Aunt Becky.

ALL: Hi, Aunt Becky.

Hi, guys. Uh, listen,

Jesse and Joey need a few
more minutes to wash the car.

So, um, does anyone
want to help me and Michelle

put Nicky and Alex
down for their N-A-P?

Yeah. N-A-P time.

No, no.

No, no.

I think they got
it figured O-U-T.

Yeah, but you know
what would be F-U-N?

Driving my car?

In a while. But first, Michelle,
why don't you show D.J.

what you and Nicky and
Alex have been working on?

We're starting a band.

It's called Michelle,
Nicky and Alex.

Hm, must have taken a long
time to come up with that name.

Okay, Michelle, here you go.

Hit it.

Okay, boys, "Pop
Goes the Weasel" in C.

And a-one, and a-two
and a-one, two, three.

♪ All around The mulberry bush ♪

♪ The monkey Chased the weasel ♪

♪ What the heck Is
a mulberry bush? ♪

♪ Pop goes the weasel ♪

♪ All around The mulberry bush ♪

♪ That monkey
Chased that weasel ♪

♪ Everybody had lots of fun ♪

♪ Pop goes the weasel ♪

♪ All around The mulberry bush ♪

♪ The monkey chased the wea... ♪
Everybody...

Well, what do you think?

Beautiful. She's
purring like a kitten.

Wait, kids. Not yet.

♪ Michael Row the boat ashore ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

It's okay. We're ready.

Do you want to
hear the last verse?

I didn't want to
hear the first verse.

Right this way, milady.

Your chariot awaits.

Finally.

Wow, Deej, you know,
I am so excited for you,

I'm gonna buy you
your first t*nk of gas.

Uh-oh. Well, uh, how
about your first gallon?

[LAUGHS] Thanks.

Let's start her up.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Yes.

BOTH: Oh, yes.

[SIREN BLARES]

All right, guys,
let me handle this.

Afternoon, sir.

Oh, you're a lady.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, hi. Uh,
well, listen, officer...

Or... Or should I call
you, uh, officerette?

[CHUCKLES]

Back off.

Anyone else want
to handle this? You?

Whose car is this?

It's mine, officer.

I, uh, I gave it to
her for her birthday.

Is there a problem here?

There won't be if you all keep
your hands where I can see them

and back away from the vehicle.

Except you.

You'll have to answer
a few questions.

This car is stolen.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

What's going on?

You know the car Joey got me?

The police think he stole it.

What? They're nuts.

You want to repeat that, ma'am?

Not really.

Once again, I'll,
uh... I'll handle this.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Officer, uh...

You know, I noticed you
drove a real nice motorcycle.

I, uh, drive a
Harley-Davidson myself.

Who cares? Not me.

I'm gonna go sit down.

Excuse me. Are you
really a police officer?

Yes, I am.

Good, because somebody
at school stole my eraser.

Michelle, who cares?

We've got bigger problems here.

Joey stole a car.

Steph.

I mean, he leased it.

Look, I didn't steal
anything, okay?

I was at the bank and
there was this little old lady

with a for-sale sign.

Not on the little
old lady, on the car.

We need proof of ownership.

Do you have a pink slip?

Let me take
another sh*t at this.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Of course he has a pink slip.

I mean, what kind of idiot
buys a car without one?

Joey, show her the pink slip.

Show her the pink slip.

She said she'd mail it.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

She said she'd mail it.

Well, I mean, surely you s...

You see the humor
in this whole situation.

Me, either. Again,
I'm gonna sit.

Joey, um,

do you have anything to
prove to this nice officer

that you actually
bought this car?

Well, uh, no.

I can describe the little
old lady I bought it from.

Oh, that's great.

He can describe
the little old lady.

Yeah. Uh... she was,
uh... She was little,

and, uh, she was old,
and... And those eyes.

I'll never forget those eyes.

There were two of them.

Just take me away.

No, wait, wait,
wait. Wait a second.

I know this looks bad. Real bad.

Pretty much an
open-and-shut case.

But... But look, I have
known Joey my entire life.

He's my best friend,

and, officer, I can assure you,

he's telling the truth.

Sir, do you really
expect me to believe

that a grown man would pay
cash to a total stranger for a car

and not get a pink slip?

Like I said, it's an
open-and-shut case.


Listen, officer, you...
You know what?

I-I-I see the problem here.

The problem is,
you... You look at Joey

and you see a grown
man, you know?

But if you knew him, you...

[CHUCKLING] You'd
know it ain't true.

I don't follow.

Well, then follow me.

Come on. Come on, everybody.

Now I ask you, officer,

does this look like the room
of a... Of a hardened criminal?

Whoops.

I give you, uh...

I give you Exhibit
A. Look at this.

A Scooby-Doo nightshirt.

Give me that.

I didn't buy it. It came
with the bubble bath.

You see? Would
a guy steal a car,

come home, take
a nice bubble bath,

and put on a Scooby-Doo
nightshirt? I think not.

Jess, please, cut
me a break here.

What's the point of this?

Officer, the point is that...
That Joey is just a sweet,

innocent, goofy guy who's, uh...

Who's just a child at heart.

Yeah, he starts off every day

with a Three Stooges
chewable vitamin.

It's true.

Here they are. See?

Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo... woo.

Woo.

Joey even has Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle slippers.

Oh, not the slippers.

This is Michaelangelo.

And I don't know who this is

because Comet bit his head off.

You see, officer,

Joey is a fair and...
And trusting man.

I mean, like a big kid.

I mean, he would
never rip anybody off,

so he would never expect
anyone to rip him off.

Well, I had my doubts,

but the Ninja Turtle
slippers put me over the top.

Mr. Gladstone, I
won't be taking you in.

ALL: Oh! Thank you.

All right, thank you,
officer. I... Okay, fine.

But don't leave town.

We still need to ask
you a few questions.

Miss Tanner, I'm afraid we'll
be impounding your vehicle.

That's okay.

As long as you're
not impounding Joey.

I'll let myself out.

[ALL CHEER]

Joey!

Lucky break.

Who would've known
all your goofy stuff

would have save
your butt, huh, Joey?

Next time he should take
a driver's license picture

wearing the Scooby-Doo
shirt, sitting in bubble bath

and wearing the slippers.

[ALL LAUGH]

Hey, well, I'm glad
you guys are happy.

You mean you're not?

Oh, no. I feel great.

D.J.'s present is
being towed away,

and I'm the big family joke.

All this time I thought you
guys were laughing with me,

and you were actually
laughing at me.

Thanks. Appreciate it.

[SIGHS]

JESSE: Joey.

Joey, where you going?

I don't know. I need
to go for a walk.

Maybe I'll, uh, go down
and get a goofy Joey Slurpee

and, uh, maybe
look for an apartment.

Okay, but you heard the officer.

Don't leave town.

Look, Joey, I know
that you're upset,

but really, I mean, you're
taking this the wrong way.

We... We need to talk.

Yeah, well, I've heard enough.

Whoa... Hey, ho...
Hold. No, she's right.

Let's talk.

Come with us, friend.

Come on, you guys.
This is ridiculous, okay?

No, it's not. All right.

All right, fine. What do
you want to talk about?

You, and what you
mean to this family.

Joey, we love having you here.

It's so great growing
up in a house

where there's someone that
can always make you laugh.

D.J.: I remember that
one time in the garage...

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Okay, okay, okay, fine.

So I'm good for a
few laughs. Big deal.

You're good for a
lot more than that.

Joey, you've pulled this family
through a lot of rough times.

STEPHANIE: Yeah.

Like, remember when I
was afraid of the dentist?

You were there to make it okay.

Look. We're in luck.

A courage detector.

Last time I was here
it was a spit-sucker.

Well, it does that too.

Let's find out where
your courage is.

Beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep...

[FASTER] beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep...

[IMITATES SIREN]

I found it. This is great.

Your courage is
inside your mouth.

Really?

Yeah. Here, take a look.

See?

See in the back
of your throat there,

that little hangy-ball thing?

Hey, yeah. What is that?

Well, that's your
courage hangy-ball.

I thought that was
there for decoration.

[LAUGHS] STEPHANIE:
You see, Joey?

If it wasn't for you, I
wouldn't have any teeth.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And I'd be still
riding a tricycle.

You see, Joey? You taught
Michelle to ride a two-wheeler.

I let her fall into the bushes.

But you made me get back
on again, you remember?

MICHELLE: You're not
gonna let me go, right?

No way. Not until you say so.

Okay, let's do it.

All right, you're
doing it, Michelle.

Let go.

Are you sure?

Let go.

Are you really, really sure?

I said, let go.

JOEY: Way to go.

I'm not in the bush.

Michelle, I am so proud of you.

You did it all by yourself.

Uh-uh, Joey. I did it with you.

BECKY: You see, Joey?

We don't know what
we'd do without you.

JESSE: That's right.

So there's no way
you're leaving this house,

because you were
there for the girls,

and I want you to
be there for my kids.

Joey, there's a whole
new generation of kids

who haven't seen
your spit fountain

or... Or learned to ride a bike

or... Or found their
courage hangy-ball.

Are you still mad at us, Joey?

Well, I guess I
never really was mad.

I just felt so darn bad about
what happened today, you know?

Until I met you guys,

I didn't know what it was
like to be part of a family.

I mean, after my
parents got divorced,

it was just me and my mom,

and it got pretty
lonely sometimes.

I used to watch The Brady Bunch

and wish I was a
part of their family.

So it would've been Jan and
Marcia and Cindy and Greg

and Bobby and Peter and Joey.

Anyhow, after I
moved in with you guys,

I got to be a part of that big
family I always dreamed about.

Does that mean
you're gonna stay?

Of course it means
I'm gonna stay.

Mwah.

I love you guys.

ALL: We love you too.

Now there's just one
other thing, though.

JESSE: Hm?

Could we get a maid named Alice?

As to which I say:

Let us get him.

[ALL LAUGH]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
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