03x28 - Tennessee Ernie Visits

[bunniefuu]

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

Hi.

Oh, hi, Fred.

This special-delivery letter just
came for you.

Oh, thanks.
You're welcome.

Don't you want to know what it's
about? It looks important.

You've got the wrong Mertz.

You're thinking about the Buttinsky
branch of the family.

I'll go tell Ethel to put on her
earphones

and stand by for a news flash.

Okay.

Ricky! Ricky!

Special delivery!

Huh?

Who is it from?

My mother.

Now, Ricky.

It must be important.

It can't be important to me.

She doesn't even know I'm alive.

Oh, honey, she does, too.

She always writes to both of us.

Yeah?
Sure.

Who's that letter addressed to?

"Miss Lucy McGillicuddy."

Uh-huh.

Well, honey, you know how mothers
are.

To Mama, I'll always be

her little daughter Lucy
McGillicuddy.

But she knows who I'm married to.

Yeah? Then why does she always write:
"Dear Lucy,

How are you, and how is
what's-his-name?"

Oh, honey.

"Dear Lucy,

How are you, and how is Xavier?"

Xavier?

Well, honey, she knows

I'm married to a Latin-American
bandleader.

She just doesn't know which one.

Well, that's true.

She's getting warmer all the time.

Instead of Xavier.

Oh... Now, honey.

"The real reason I'm writing

"is because I went to my club meeting
yesterday.

"You remember Flo Pauline Lopis,

"the club recording secretary.

"Well, it seems that

"Flo Pauline's old college roommate,
Ella Scott Porter,

"has a cousin who married a man named
Ford

and went to live in a little town in
Tennessee."

Wake me up when you get to the spicy
stuff.

"Well, it seems this cousin has a boy
named Ernest.

"She has an older boy named George

"and a younger boy named Roger.

"Ernest is her middle boy.

Well, to make a long story short..."

It's too late.

"To make a long story short,

"Ernest is on his way to New York,

"and I told Flo Pauline

"to tell Ella to tell her cousin to
tell Ernest

that you'd be glad to entertain him."

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

She just caught my interest.

Uh, "of course I don't know Ernest
personally,

"but any friend of Flo Pauline's
roommate's cousin

"is a friend of mine.

Love, mother."

Now, look, you write to your mother
right away

and you tell her that we're going out
of town.

Oh, honey, sh-she says he's on his
way.

There isn't time to write her.

Oh, great.

Another visitor.
Just what I needed!

That makes three of them this month.

What's the matter, doesn't anybody
ever stay home anymore?

Now, honey, it won't hurt us to be
nice to him.

After all, it's my mother's

friend's roommate's cousin's middle
boy.

Oh, I didn't realize that.

That's different.

Now, now, honey, will you be nice to
him?

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll take him out to dinner once,

and I'll have him down at the club as
my guest... once,

and that's the end of it.

Well, that's fine.

I think Mother would be very happy
about that.

There you are.

And that's , , .

double.

"L-u-c-k-e-l."

"Luckel."

Luckel?
That's not a word.

It is, too!

Well, I never heard it.
Use it in a sentence.

Well, like, uh...

when you take a ride in a Fifth
Avenue bus,

you can either take the 'spress or
the luckel.

That is "local."

That's what I said, luckel.

And for your information, it's
spelled l-o-c-a-l.

Now take that back.

Wait till I get you in a jai alai
game.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

(doorbell buzzing Luckel.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Howdy, folks.

How do you do?

I'm Ernest Ford.

I'm looking for the Rickerdos.

LUCY: Well, uh...

Uh, we're the Ricardos.

Come in.

You must be Cousin Lucy.

And there's Cousin Ricky, too.

How are you?

How are you?

Did you say "cousin"?

Oh, yeah.
It's just a habit.

Down in Tennessee, everybody calls
everybody else "cousin."

Oh.

'Course down in Tennessee,

everybody is everybody else's cousin.

Well, I'm glad...
glad to meet you.

Oh, I'm tired.

Well, you must be, coming all that
distance.

When did you get in?

Well, the bus got here at noon,

and I've been a-tryin' to find your
place.

It took you eight hours to get here?

We only live ten minutes from the bus
depot.

Not the way I come.

What do you mean?

Well, down on the street,

I asked a fella how to get to the
Rickerdos'.

Well, he said, "Take the subway."

LUCY: Uh-huh.

Well, he pointed over there to a hole
in the ground

with some steps a-going down in it.

Mm-hmm.
I went down in there,

and do you know what I saw?

What?

Nothing.

A bunch of people a-standing there
looking in a ditch.

Well, that was the subway.

Oh. Well, here come two streetcars
hooked up together.

Uh-huh.

And I turned around to ask the fella
how to get here

and, boy, somebody let the gap down
then.

All that bunch of people come
a-steamin' up there

pushed me through that door, shut it
up,

and we took off like a scalded
gander.

Well, what happened then?

Well, sir, we drove and drove and
drove

and do you know what?
What?

That driver never got that thing out
of that hole.

Well, now...
it wasn't so funny.

We stopped once and they opened that
door

and I caught a little daylight in my
eye

and I sh*t out of there like a burnt
rabbit

and I got up on top of the ground
again

and I was in some place called Long
Island

and I walked here.

You walked all the way from Long
Island?

Yep. Ding-donged if it ain't.

What?

A long island.

Well, you must be tired.

Yeah, I'm a mite tuckered, I am.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

Hi. You ready...?

Oh, hello, Fred and Ethel.

Oh, I didn't know you had company.

Yeah, this is Fred and Ethel Mertz.

Ernie Ford.

How do you do?
Oh, how do you do?

How do you do, sir?

Yeah, Ernie came all the way from
Tennessee.

Oh, yes, Lucy told us she was
expecting you.

Yeah, he just dropped in to say
hello.

Wasn't that nice?

Yes. How do you like New York?

Oh, it's all right.

It ain't got much on Bent Fork,
though.

Bent Fork?
Bent Fork?

Bent Fork, Tennessee.

That's, that's where I'm from.

It's just a hoe handle from
Nashville.

FRED: Oh.

Well, I'll declare.

Do you know what time it is?

It's after : .

I ought to have been in bed an hour
ago.

Oh, well, we sure don't want to keep
you up, Ernie.

Yeah. It was sure nice of you to stop
by

as soon as you got in town.

Where do I sleep?

Uh... where do you sleep?

Yeah. Now, now, don't you put
yourselves out.

I can sleep a-hanging on a nail.

Well, uh, um...

Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Look here, old man.

We'd love to have you stay here with
us,

but, uh, we-we only got one bedroom

and a little nursery for the baby.

We don't have a bed for you.

No.
I don't need a bed.

Anybody using this davenette?

Well, uh, you couldn't sleep here.

This is hard as a board.

Oh, no, this is the cat's pole here.

Just give me a little kivver and I'll
be as comfy

as a wet dog behind the kitchen
stove.

Oh, well, you... you really can't
sleep here, Ernie.

Uh, Fred, do you still have that
rollaway bed?

Sure.

Now, wait a minute.

I don't want to lay down on anything
that's gonna be

a-gallavantin' around the room all
night.

Well, no, you-you don't understand,
Ernie.

You see, they call it a rollaway bed

because you can roll it away in the
closet.

Well, I'll be sheep-dipped.

Well, do you want me to get it?

Yeah, would you get it, please, Fred?

I'll help you, Fred.

All right.
Thank you.

Well, I may as well get ready to hit
the hay, I reckon.

Where's he going?

I don't know.

Ernie?

Don't call him.

Maybe he's goin' back to Tennessee.

Oh, honey.

Through the bedroom.

You mean it's in the house?

Well, wait till I write Mama about
this.

Well, your sweet little mother has
done it again.

Oh, well, now, honey, he's really
kind of cute,

and besides, it's only for one night.

Tomorrow we'll get him a room in a
hotel.

Yeah, on the other side of town.

Now, honey, remember,

he's my mother's friend's roommate's
cousin's...

middle boy. Middle boy.

I know. Yeah.
Well, he is.

RICKY: Here comes the bed.

Where do you want this, Rick?

I guess we'll have to put it here.

I don't know where else to put it.

Running a rooming house,

Shh! all of a sudden.

Honey, now be quiet.

He's liable to hear you.

Now just be quiet.

Well, there it is, all ready.

Clean sheets and everything.

Thanks, Fred.

Wait a minute!

I thought we were going to play cards

with the Mertzes.

Well, honey, that was before

I knew anyone was sleeping in our
game room.

Well, say good night to Li'l Abner
for me.

See you tomorrow.

Good night, Fred.

All right. What, uh, what are we
supposed to do now?

Well, we'll just have to go to bed.

At : ?

Honey, this is my only night off.

Well, honey, it won't hurt you to go
to bed one night.

Oh...

Now, look, it's only for one night,

and... and if we're not nice to one
of mother's friends,

you know we'll never hear the end of
this.

Okay, we'll go to bed.

All right.

This my bedstead?

Well, uh... yes, Ernie.

Uh, is there anything else I can get
you?

No. I been a-bedding myself down by
myself for years.

Y'all go on to bed.

Good night, Cousin Lucy.
Night-night, Cousin Ricky.

Good night. Good night.

Good night, honey.

Night-night.

Night-night.

What's the matter, honey?

This night is never going to end.

What time is it?

: .

: ?!

I feel like I been in bed for six
months.

Lie down and try to go to sleep.

I'm not sleepy.

Listen, honey, is it getting colder?

Maybe Ernie hasn't got enough over
him out there.

He's all right.

Well... I don't know.

I think you ought to take him an
extra blanket.

Okay.

It'll help k*ll the time anyway.

Take that extra one of yours

over there on the chair.

All right.

Going to bed at : at night, ugh!

Psst! Psst!

Lucy?

What?

Come here, will you?

What?

Come here. I want you to see
something.

Come and see what?

Just-just come with me, will you,
please?

Go on.

Listen to the jingle, the rumble and
the roar

As she glides along the woodland

To the hills and by the shore

Whoo-hee!

(singing continues)

: !

The baby's still asleep.

I'll take care of that.

?Que le pasa que toca el guitar

at : in the morning?!

Honey, he's our guest.

Now, remember...

As she glides along the woodland

To the hills and by the shore.

Oh, good morning, folks.

Do you know what time it is?

Yeah. It's nigh on to half past : .

I-I don't know what got into me...

oversleeping like I did.

But I can see that I ain't the only
one

that's been a-beatin' the sheets.

Uh, did you sleep well, Ernie?

I don't know when I've had

a better night's rest.

Now at home, generally, I toss and
turn,

but not in that thing.

Now, look here, old man.

I want to say something to you.

I know what you're going to say.

It's about the "geetar."

Well, sir, I seen it a-standin' there

and my eyes bugged out like a
stomped-on toad frog.

Everything just went plukey.

You know, I had one of these geetars,

but these bus fares to New York

come pretty dear.

You mean you sold your...
geetar to get to New York?

Yep. Fella give me $ for it

and I come all the way here

and I got a little bit left, too.

Wait a minute.

There she is.

cents right there.

? Is that all you have for your
expenses here?

Your clothes?
Your meals? Your...?

Your, your, your hotel bills?

Well, I worried some about that.

I don't anymore.

I come here to the big city

alone, no friends, no acquaintances,

and you took me to your bosom.

You're, you're, you're just a mama
and a papa to me.

You made me feel

like I was wanted and that I
belonged.

I've got a home.

Oh.

Gee, thanks for helping me home with
these, Ethel.

That's all right.

Say, am I wrong

or didn't you buy a big load of
groceries yesterday?

I buy a big load of groceries every
day

since the bottomless pit arrived.

Can he hear us?

No. He's up on the roof till the noon
whistle.

Up on the roof?

Yeah. I think he's getting a suntan.

The tactful way he put it was:

"I ain't aiming to get as fish-belly
white as you 'uns."

I just love the way he talks.

Well, he is cute, but oh, gee...

RICKY: Lucy!

Yes, dear?

What happened to these?

What's the matter with them?

What's the matter with them?
They don't make no noise!

I was rehearsing with them.

I thought I was going deaf!

Who did it?!

Ernie. He was only trying to help.

Help?!

Well, he thought they were broken

because they rattled inside.

Ay, dios mio!
Dios mio, que estupido!

My grandfather gave me these maracas

when I was ten years old!

I know, dear.

Well, that does it.
Out he goes.

Now, Ricky...

Out!

Oh! What about my mother?

Never ask me a question like that

when I'm in this condition.

Ernesto!

Ernesto!

Oh, now, Ricky...

Oh, Lucy,

it's better this way.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

One big expl*si*n and get it over
with.

Cousin Lucy, where are you at?

I'll be right there, Ernie.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Yes, Ernie?

Oh, here you are.

I'm a-writing to Mama

and as a speller, I ain't never took
no ribbons.

Would you look this over

and get the spelling bloopers before
I mail it?

Sure.

Not that mama can read,

but I just don't want her to be
embarrassed

if she finds somebody to read it to
her.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, Ernie?

Yeah?

Wou-Would you run down to the corner
mailbox

and, and look and see what time they
pick up the mail?

All righty.

We want to make sure

that we get your mama's letter off on
time.

That's a good idea.

Listen to the jingle...

(humming)

Where is he?

I sent him down to the corner.

What's the matter with you?

You know I want to talk to him.

Honey, I want you to hear this

before you talk to him.

Now sit down a minute.

It's a letter to his mother.

All right. Now just listen to
this.

"Dear Ma,

"How is my hound dog and how are you?

"Ma, you was all wrong about New
York.

"I ain't seen hide nor hair

"of no wicked city woman like you
warned me against

"with their painted lips and painted
cheeks.

"But if'n I do, I'll mind what you
said

"and hightail it right back to Bent
Fork.

"Cousin Euncey sure done me a good
turn

"when she sent me to the Ricardos.

"They is two of the finest critters
on this earth.

"They is true blue.

"Ma, they give me a bed and all the
food I can eat

"and every night, before I crawl
between the kivvers...

"and with the bed they give me, this
ain't easy--

"I get down on my knees and ask the
good Lord

"to bless cousin Lucy and cousin
Ricky,

"the two finest people

"I ever did know.

Your son, Ernest."

Now, you still want to have that talk
with him?

Oh, you know I can't.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

Hey. I got an idea.

Well, I'm so desperate that I'd like
to hear it.

The only thing that would make cousin
Ernie leave

is a real, live, painted-up, wicked
city woman.

"A real, live, painted-up, wicked
city woman"?

Yeah.

She came down from Birmingham

One cold December day

As she rolled along the wood line

You could hear all the people say

She's mighty tall and handsome

She's known quite well by all

(doorbell buzzing)

She's the combination called the
Wabash Cannonball...

(doorbell buzzing)

Cousin Lucy, somebody's settin' on
your doorbell.

(doorbell buzzing insistently)

Oh, all right. I'll get it.

Hello, big boy.

Howdy-do, ma'am.

What's your name, handsome?

I'm Ernest Ford from Bent Fork,
Tennessee.

You'll do.

You got quite a hitch in your
git-along.

Do you know who I am?

Who?

I'm a wicked city woman.

No!

Like your mother warned you about.

Oh, dear.

Have mercy!

What are you fixin' to do?

I'm going to vamp you.

You are?

Are you a-vampin' me?

Uh-huh.

You know what?

What?

I like it.

You do?!

Yeah. This is more fun than skippin'
rocks.

Vamp me some more.

No! Now don't forget what your mother
told you.

Oh, she was wrong about that.

She couldn't have meant you.

Yes, she did! Now you stay away from
me.

Now you go home!

I am home. I live here.

Oh. Well, then, I'd better go home.

No.

Come back!

Vamp me some more.

No!

City woman!

Come back here!

City woman!

City woman, where you at, you little
heifer?

I'll find you if I have to stay here

the rest of my born days.

(screaming)

Honey! Honey!

It's me, Ricky!

Oh, Ricky!

What's the matter, honey?

Didn't you chase him away?

No, he chased me away!

He said he was gonna stay here the
rest of his born days.

Well, I'll be ding-donged.

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: Ernie was played by Ernie
Ford.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.