08x21 - Clear and Present Danger

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

Uh-oh. Frosting emergency?

I think you have a back-up can
in the medicine cabinet.

No, I'm looking for something else.

And don't say "back-up can"
like it's a regular thing.

I can stop whenever I want.

Hey, have you seen anything
around the house recently

that looks like I might have hidden it?

[Gasps] Ooh, is it for Dad's birthday?

No, this is for something important.

Axl's graduating in a few weeks,

and I can't find the present I got him.

I was in a store, like, a year ago,

and I stumbled across this thing...

it was touching, it was sentimental,

it was the perfect gift.

So what is it? I don't remember.

I mean, it was like yea big

or yea big.

I don't know.

I threw it in here somewhere, but I...

ooh, my back-up cookies.

Shut up.

It's okay.

So regarding things we can remember,

- what are we doing for Dad's birthday?
- [Scoffs]

I'm not wasting any energy on that guy.

You know he's the least-fun
birthday person ever.

He doesn't want to be sung to.

He doesn't want any presents.

I'm just gonna defrost
that steak we got cheap

at the Frugal Hoosier power-outage sale

and leave him alone.

He'll be happy.

Okay, we can't just not do anything.

He sold his diaper business
so I could go to school.

Besides, when you're over ,

you have to cherish every birthday.

What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.
- I know what it means.

Listen, where would
I have hidden something

that I know I could find,
but nobody else would?

The basement?

No, I don't hide things in the basement.

Or do I? [Sighs]

Don't turn over .

♪

Hey, friend.

[Sighs] Hi, Dylan.

You're just gonna leave me hanging?

Do we have to do this every day?

I just want to get to class.

What are you talking about?

I'm just trying to greet my pal

with a friendly handshake.

You know we're not friends.

Sure, we are. And what do friends do?

They shake hands.

I'll shake your hand.

Yow!

Leave my boyfriend alone.

You're a weirdo.

[School bell rings]

[Gasps] Wow.

Thanks.

Let's go, Brick.

Let me get that for you.

[Grunts]

♪

Ah, there you are.

Okay, listen.

I'm making a video for Dad's birthday.

Picture this... his nearest and dearest

recounting fond memories
and funny stories

all edited together
into a cherished keepsake

he can watch for the rest of his life.

[Laughs] I haven't even made it yet,

and I can't wait to give it to him.

Oh, he'll love it.

Okay, do you remember when you were

and you wanted to wear makeup

so you colored in your eyelid
with permanent marker?

That idea was times better
than this one.

[Scoffs]

Okay, well, what are you
gonna get him that's so great?

I'm not getting him anything.

Every day, I give him the gift

of being the only positive
reflection of his DNA.

Okay, look, I'm doing this,

so I need you to be camera-ready
tomorrow at : .

Study the questions.

I don't want to hear any
"uhs" or "ums" or "whatevers."

"If Dad was an animal,
which one would he be?"

"Which one of Dad's plaid shirts
is my favorite,

the dark blue or the light blue?"

[Laughs] Yeah, I wanted to have
at least one funny question.

Well, you didn't.

Uh, what?

♪

[Exhales sharply]

What's with you?

Nothing.

Good talk.

All right, you dragged it out of me.

It's something to do with Cindy.

What? Did you lose the stepladder
you use to kiss her?

Funny.

You know, I've always
considered myself a modern man.

I believe women's rights
are human rights, but...

[Sighs]...today I was getting bullied.

You were getting bullied?

Are you okay?

Do I need to step in and talk
some sense into this guy?

No.

Cindy chased him away.

- Whoa.
- I know.

Being bullied didn't bother me so much

as having my girlfriend stick up for me.

It made me feel... less than

'cause Cindy's a girl,

but it shouldn't have.

No, it definitely should have.

That is super embarrassing.

Just tell me
it wasn't in front of people

and they don't know you're a Heck.

I mean, I could tell you that.

I don't know.

In the past, it's never bothered me

to be the kid
who has to take a water break

during the -yard dash

or the guy at lunch
who can't open his own banana,

but I'm having trouble
accepting the fact

that my girlfriend is stronger than me.

And I don't know what to do about it.

I'm thinking I might need to get

some of those muscles I've read about.

Mm. Well, it just so happens,
I can help you with that.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I'll whip you into shape in no time.

We just got to gauge
your starting point,

so, uh, let's get a banana in here.

[Chuckles]

But seriously, we should get a banana.

[Gasps]

♪

Mom, are you okay?

Shh.

I'm trying to picture

the last place I saw Axl's present.

And also what it was.

Okay, but did you get my e-mail?

The subject line was,

"Super Top Secret
Do Not Open in Front of Dad."

I don't read all your e-mails, Sue.

You e-mail me a lot.

Well, I need you
to read over these questions

- before I film you tomorrow.
- Film me?

Wait, what exactly are you doing?

I thought you were making him

a glitter card or glitter cookies.

- You're so good with glitter.
- No.

I'm making him a video

of people saying nice things about Dad.

Oh, Sue, he's gonna hate that.

- What? No, he's gonna love it.
- [Sighs]

I know he acts like a tough guy,

but he's got the squooshiest center.

You didn't see him at "Moana." I did.

Look, I've known your dad
for over years.

There's no squoosh in there.

Well, there is definitely
gonna be some softening

after this video.

I can promise you that.

Now, I need you
to read over these questions.

I am counting on you

for all the emotional tender stuff.

[Scoffs] I can't even find the present.

How am I supposed to remember
why I used to love your dad?

[Inhales sharply]

♪

Okay, got everything
you need right here...

bench, curls, squats.

But our first exercise...

...notebook toss.

Brick, you don't got to be writing it.

We're gonna be doing it.

I thought there was gonna be
a learning portion first.

I don't need to be a hero.

There's no danger of that.

Now, let me show you
what you're aiming for here.

Ahhh.

Oof.

[Spits]

Huh?

[Grunts]

[Panting]

Must be a little rusty.

I haven't been training.

I kind of shut the g*n show down
after football ended.

[Exhales sharply]

[Grunts]

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

I don't think this floor is level.

[Grunts, groans]

[Sighs heavily]

[Exhales]

[Grunts]

Notice how straight I'm keeping my body.

Arms parallel.

[Grunts]

Always... maintain...

- [Crashing]
- ...proper form.

I'll pick those up.

[Panting]

So...

how many of those should I do?

I remember the time
Dad took me to play tennis.

He got mad 'cause I brought my books,

which the veins in his neck
start popping out, but...

Sue: Cut.

Brick, these are supposed to be
nice memories.

Uh, that is a nice memory.

Dad and I don't do a lot together.

Okay, well, it doesn't sound so nice.

Now I want heartfelt, so step it up.

Okay, make me feel something.

And... action.

Here's a fond memory with Dad...

the time he tried
to teach me how to drive.

The veins were really
popping out of his neck then.

Brick, stop talking about veins.

Oh, all right, fine. Sorry.

Um, let's see.

Well, one of my best times with Dad

was when he had me rake leaves.

It was funny 'cause
I was probably at the time,

and I was worried about
the leaves being incinerated...

Cut.

Mom, I was finally getting
something good out of Brick,

and you're ruining my sh*t.

I am so close.

You can film Dad's thing anywhere.

Shh.

I don't want to spoil the surprise.

It's a secret.

Here's something that's not a secret.

Dad's gonna hate this video.

Okay, from other people,
he might hate it,

but not from me.

Now, Mom, will you please
get out of my sh*t?

I finally had a vein-free story
from Brick,

and you screwed it up.

That's actually not true.

The end of the story comes
around nicely back to veins.

- Brick.
- [Gasps] Yes!

Ha-ha! This is it.

Now I remember.

I was at the doughnut shop,

and this new store, The Giftery,
had opened next door.

I was in there k*lling time,

when I came across
this absolutely perfect...

Shoe horn?

No, no, no, it's not just a shoe horn.

It's the "Busy Businessman's
Luxury Shoe Care Kit."

Oh, yeah, get it?

'Cause Axl's a business major.

I remember thinking
this would be symbolic

for when he gets a job.

I mean, it's got polish
and a little applicator,

and it comes in
this handy carrying case.

Yeah, this sucks.

Ugh, crap.

Now I got to get him something else.

Oh, well, at least I got him
a cute card a while ago.

♪

Okay.

Frankie: So we celebrated
Mike's birthday

just the way he wanted...

I defrosted a steak,

and he got to read
Sports Illustrated at the table

while the rest of us didn't talk.

Okay.

You can speak.

Happy birthday, Dad. [Squeals]

- All righty.
- Wait, wait, wait.

I got you a present.

You did? What for?

I told you I didn't want anything.

And that's why
I didn't get you anything.

You're welcome, Dad.

Consider Father's Day forgotten, too.

You're a good son.

Are you seriously gonna argue with me?

Just take it, you big party pooper.

Happy birthday.

Okay.

It is a gift.

You open it.

Mm.

The "Busy Business Man's
Luxury Shoe Care Kit."

Ha! That sucks.

I love it.

Did you keep the receipt?

No, wait, wait, wait.

I haven't given you my gift yet.

But mine isn't something
that can be opened.

It must be experienced.

So if you would all be so kind

as to follow me to the family room.

Leave the magazine.

♪

[Sighs] Okay.

Now if you would all focus
your attention to the TV.

Mike: That I can do.

Sue Sue Heck Productions
proudly presents...

[ Up-tempo music plays]

Good evening. I'm Sue Heck.

And this is a celebration
of Michael Heck.

[ Popping]

[ Ding!]

It all began here in ,

the year this wonderful man,

a man who means so much to the world,

was born.

- [ Baby cries]
- Sue: [Chuckles]

I couldn't find a baby picture of you.

So what makes a man great?

Let's find out, shall we?

What do I love about Mike?

Uh, well, obviously, I love him
'cause I married him.

And, um, what else?

Well, he's a great provider.

Yeah, I would say he's my rock.

[ Clang]

Happy B to the Big M from the Big A.

Wait, that sounds bathroom-y.
Can I start over?

The cool about thing about Dad

is his hair looks the same wet or dry.

He's... my rock.

Oh, I said that already?

Pbht.

Uh, if Dad were a spice,

uh, I'd say he's salt.

Old Spice.

- [Both laugh]
- Brick: Is beer a spice?

'Cause, if so, I'd say beer.

When there's no beer in the house,

he gets tense, and this vein...

Mike, I didn't know
it was your birthday.

You're just full of secrets, aren't you?

Wait. This isn't just family.

Nope.

Well, we're gonna have to have
you over for dinner.

When's good for you?

How's this Tuesday?

Ron! Mike's coming over
for dinner on Tuesday.

Three words that describe Mike?

Only three? Oh, gosh, that's hard.

Hero, gentle giant...

sh**t, that's already three.

Can I have one more?

Which Mike? I got five Mikes.

- Sue: [Laughs]
- You talked to my barber?

[Laughing] Yeah.

Tall Mike... got to put the chair

all the way down when he comes in.

If Mike were a flavor of ice cream,

he'd be... vanilla.

Vanilla.

Vanilla, clearly.

Vanilla.

Vanilla.

Show me vanilla!

George: Uh, I'm based
in the corporate office,

so I don't really
know Mike Heck that well,

which kind of makes it hard for me

to share my favorite, uh, "Mike moment."

Sue, that's my boss.

Surprise.

My favorite Mike moment is,

sometimes, when he's
getting out of his car,

he pretends like he doesn't hear me

calling from my yard,

and he just walks into his house.

[ Laughs] Hilarious.

I have so many Mike moments,
it's hard to pick.

Well, not a lot of people know this,

but Mike loves cats.

One time, I came
into the trailer on a break,

and Mike was watching this video

of kittens befriending a bunny rabbit.

Okay, that's enough.

- [Video fast forwards]
- I get the gist.

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.

Uh, there's, like, more minutes left.

Brad does a special poem,

and the bagger at Frugal Hoosier

had a really funny story.

You're gonna miss it.

Yeah, well.

♪

Here you go.

What do you want me to do with this?

♪

Well, the shoe kit's looking better.

♪

What is the matter with you?

I'm sorry.

I just don't like people
making a big deal over me

or talking about me
or thinking about me.

Now I got to get a new barber,

and I liked this guy, too.

I'd just gotten him
to stop making small talk.

Okay, I know I'm married to a man

with the emotional capacity
of a garden gnome,

so I'm used to the disappointment.

But Sue isn't.

She's really hurting.

Ah, she didn't look that upset.

[Scoffs]

Because she was pretending
everything was okay

for your sake,

which is what you should have
been doing for her.

Oh, you're just being dramatic.
She's fine.

And just to be clear,
that kitten video...

that just popped up

when I was researching granite prices,

so we're not gonna go
sharing that with anybody.

♪

Frankie: So Mike was positive
that Sue was fine,

but after having a little time
to think it over...

Sue.

Sue: Yeah?

Sorry.

Okay.

♪

What are you doing?

Nothing, nothing.
Just admiring the view.

How are those workouts coming?

Well, I know I need to get in shape,

so I did the only thing
that made sense to me.

I went to the library
and checked out a book.

Jack Lalanne's "Live Young Forever."

- Oh, okay. What's he doing now?
- He's dead.

But before that, he was really cool.

He could lift all these heavy things.

He once pulled boats.

My goal is .

That should be enough to impress Cindy.

Look, Brick, you don't need a book.

You got me as your trainer.

No offense, Axl,

but things weren't really
going that well in the garage.

It's been two days,

and I think I might have
actually lost muscle mass.

That's just all
part of the workout program

I've created specifically for your body.

Right now you're like a lump of clay,

but you give me some time,

I'm gonna mold you
into a work of fine art.

It's like the statue of David.

You think Michael and Angelo
sculpted that thing overnight?

No.

Took those guys years.

Yeah...

I just don't think someone
who's on the decline physically

should be teaching me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Decline? [Laughs]

Decli... wha...?

Who said I'm declining?
I'm not declining.

Look, it's perfectly natural.

In my research,

I found that men hit their
physical peak at age ,

then slowly decline.

You're just a little ahead of schedule.

From here on out,

you're pretty much just gonna atrophy.

Got enough trophies, Brick.

And, yeah, maybe
I let myself go a little bit,

but I just got to do a few pushups,

I'll be back in shape like that.

Ow, cramp.

♪

[ Laughter on TV]

Come on.

Where are we going?

Ice cream. Let's go.

No, thanks.

My treat.

You're gonna want to be there.

I'm thinking of ordering
something besides vanilla.

It's all right. I'm not hungry.

[ Laughter on TV]

♪

The next day, Axl was still
bugged by what Brick said.

I mean, if Jack Lalanne
could pull boats,

surely there's something he could do.

♪

[Exhales]

[Grunts]

[Panting]

You're a man. You're a man.

You're a big, strong man. [Grunts]

Axl: Aah!

[Groans]

I don't want to talk about it, Brick.

We're never mentioning this ever again.

No one needs to know

I only moved the 'Bago two feet.

You didn't move it at all.

You're mean.

This isn't fair.

Used to be, I was feeling weak,

I'd just do a couple of pushups
and get my strength right back,

but, my God, what is happening to me?

You think it was all those
Froot Loop sandwiches?

Oh, God.

[Scoffs] Froot Loop sandwiches.

Don't look at my big butt.

Axl, get a hold of yourself.

I got rescued by my girlfriend,

and even I'm embarrassed for you.

Look, I'm about to graduate.

Pretty soon, I'm gonna be
sitting at a desk all day

doing whatever it is
I'm supposed to be doing,

and I'm just gonna decay.

I am one step closer
to becoming Mom and Dad.

Hey, there's a silver lining in this.

Yes, men peak physically
in their mid- s,

but they don't peak mentally
till age .

You're still in the upswing.

Mental's never really been
my strong suit.

Well, it just so happens
I can help you with that.

- Really?
- Yep.

By the time I'm done with you,

your brain is gonna be ripped.

Now, let's start with PBS.

Ugh.

This is gonna be so hard.

- Got to put in the work.
- [Sighs]

Oh, and by the way,

Michael and Angelo... one guy.

What?

♪

I hope it's okay
I'm driving you back to school.

Mom was gonna, but she's busy,

and I got nothing going on.

It's fine.

Thank you.

What?

You know, for the, uh,
whole video thing.

That was nice.

Okay.

I don't get it.

I said, "Thank you,"
I said, "I'm sorry,"

I said, "Ice cream,"

and nothing's sticking.

I'm trying,

but I'm not getting any traction here.

It's like I'm talking to your mom.

It's all right, Dad.

I'm really not that upset.

I know that's just how you are.

[Sighs]

Look, growing up in my family,

we didn't, you know, talk
or, you know, express things

on birthdays or holidays or...

Even when my Mom d*ed,

I came home from basketball
practice one day,

and my dad said, "Your mom passed."

Then he told me to go do my homework.

The next morning, I went to school.

We never talked about it again.

Really?

Oh, my gosh, that's horrible.

It's just the way it was.

Well, you're not like that, you know.

I mean, you're way better than Grandpa.

When I try to hug him, he just says,

"Oh, you don't want to hug an old man."

But you tolerate my hugs all the time.

Well, he cares about you.

He's just not real comfortable
saying it.

We all do. Care about you.

I know.

How did she die again?

Lung cancer.

She was young, just .

But the way she used to
dance around the house,

you'd have thought she was .

She was always singing, always moving.

I can still see her at the kitchen sink

doing dishes and humming to herself.

When I'd be playing in the kitchen,

she'd call me over

and scoop some soap suds in her hands

and bend down
and let me blow the bubbles.

Aww. I wish I had met her.

Yeah.

Well, you'd have liked her.
She was nice.

- She was a teacher, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Third grade and then fifth.

Once, when she was working
as a substitute,

- she actually taught my class.
- [Gasps]

I was sitting there and in walks my mom.

[Laughs]

Classic.

[Both laugh]

♪

Unh-unh, unh-unh.

I've been doing a little work on myself.

I can get this for m'lady.

[Grunts]

Okay.

Actually, that's a little too heavy.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been doing some lifting.

- Weights?
- No, books.

I started with Jack Lalanne's
"Live Young Forever,"

but I'm thinking about
upgrading to an encyclopedia

or maybe even an almanac.

♪