02x06 - The Nanny Napper

[bunniefuu]

Okay, kids, come one, come on.
Everyone hold on to me.

Not you, you pervert.

Wow! This is so cool.
Dad never let's us take the subway.

Well, the entire city is in gridlock.

I don't know who schedules
a gay pride parade on the same day

they're unveiling
a Calvin Klein billboard.

Give me a dollar!

Don't worry, kids,
I'll take care of this.

What am I, Santa Claus?
You give me a dollar!

Yeah!

You weren't even afraid of him.

Oh, honey, just cause
he yelled in my face?

You obviously have never seen
my mother watch "The Price is Right."

Oh, it's creepy down here.

Oh, honey, the subway's not creepy.

It's just that nobody
gives a damn anymore.

What do I do with my soda?
Just leave it on the floor.

Oh, would you look at that poor woman
with all those kids and bags.

Hold your sister a minute.

Excuse me. Can I give you a hand?

Can I hold something for you?

Oh, wow. I would have
given me the salami,

but you're a lot cuter.

You see, kids, one simple act of kindness
and already the world is a better place.

Of course this is America,
she could speak English.

Hi, you're sweet.
Oh, good, a seat.

Yes, you're such a doll;
you're such a doll.

That's right, shaupaneua.

Oh, what a shaupaneua,

what a little bubbula.

Excuse me, Yentel.

Yeah? What?

Where's the mother?

Oh, my God.
She abandoned her baby.

Ah, what is
this world coming to.

The salami she guards
with her life.

What are we going to did?

Oh, you poor defenseless
little thing. Ow!

Someone's hungry.

Can you believe that wasn't the first time
that ever happened to me in the subway.

Oh, I can't believe
I'm holding a baby.

If only you came with a husband
and a house in Great Neck.

Okay, we gotta act fast here.
Gracie, go bring down your pink blanket.

Not my blankie.

Oh, God, I can't believe
you still have that thing.

And, Brighten, bring down
the Snoopy up in your closet.

What Snoopy up in my closet?

You know, you're
just like my mother.

What Nestles Crunch bar
under my Nordic Track? Go ...

Oh, what a day I had today.

Oh, let me guess.
Yard sale at Mia Farrow's?

Maggie, go see
if you can find some bottles.

Niles, do we have any old nipples
around the house?

Hello, hello

Good afternoon, Cee Cee,
Niles, Miss Fine, baby.

Why?

Some woman just abandoned
this baby on the subway.

I'll tell you it's
a good thing I was there,

or he could have been
found by some whacko.

You know, one of those people who walk
around talking to themselves.

Although, what the hell I'm going
to do with a baby, I'll never know.

I'll call .

What kind of evil, cold-hearted woman abandons
a poor little defenseless creature?

Oh, that reminds me. Yellow cab called,
you left your dog in the taxi again.

Oh, my God.

That's where
I left my Gucci umbrella.

Ten to one she comes back with
a Gucci and not a poochie.

Hello, you've reached emergency .

To report a m*rder, press ,
for mugging, press .

For b*mb threats below
th Street, press ;

th Street to nd, press .

Oh, you gotta love the NYPD.

Meanwhile, where's that David Carruso going
so fast with that big white freckly butt of his?

Miss Fine, why the devil did
you bring the baby here?

Why didn't you just pass him over
to a policeman straight-away?

They're very busy. It's Sunday.

The gays are coming out;
the yuppies are working out;

and the Jews are eating out.

Be careful. Mr. Snoopy's really old.

Look, his tail's loose;
his hair's falling out,
and he's busting at the seams.

Oh, give him a remote control.
He could be my father.

Fran ... Here, you hold.
What sweetie? What?

Fran, I can't find
my blankie anywhere.

Fran?

Yes, honey. I can't find any bottles
anywhere. How about a turkey baster?

Oh, sweetie. We're trying to feed
a baby, not impregnate Ling-Ling.

Oh, all right, Miss Fine that's it.

Here's your coat. We're going down
to the police station.

Oh, all right, but I'm telling you,
we're never going to get through.

How many gay people can
there be in New York?

This from a man who
produces Broadway musicals?

It's a bloody mob scene out there.

I mean, I'm proud I'm British.
But you won't see me marching
around dressed as Queen Victoria.

I told you we should have
taken the subway.

Why? Hoping to pick up a few more?

Maybe start a bowling team?

Hey, a hundred sexy men
wanted your phone number.

All they asked me was
if my boots came in a Size .

The baby's back.
Oh, Daddy, can we keep him?

Gracie, he's not a lost puppy.
He's somebody's baby.

All right. Can I have a puppy?

No, you may not have a puppy.

Well, I don't know.
It might help fill the void

after we have to give
away our baby boy.

Miss Fine We need another
boy in this hen house.

There's far too much
"Blossom" on the tube.

Here, Maggie, hold
little Joshua Elliott.

Who?

Well, Elliott after your father,
and Joshua I just always liked.

Oh, I can't wait to have
a baby of my own.

Yes, you can wait.

You can wait a lot.

Can you say Nintendo?

Oh, he's so cute.

We can't give him up.
No.

Euu, he's pooping.
Oh, God.

Oh, no, give him to Brighten.
No, give him to Fran. She's getting paid.

Oh, what are they making
such a fuss about?

You'd think that they'd
never ever seen a...

Oh ... Oh, this kid's got far
too many lentils in his diet.

Oh, for God's sake,
just give him to me.

Come here, little fella. Hoe ...

All right. I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to call the Department of Social Services.

Oh, yeah, Sunday at : ,
they're waiting for you.

Oh, there's that vein
in your forehead again.

You know, Miss Fine, it's very odd.

But that vein wasn't there a year ago.

Just like the gray
streak in your hair?

Yes, exactly like
the bloody gray streak.

Oh, now, would you calm down.
You're getting all wound up.

Pretty soon you're going to say
something that you're going to regret.

I already did when I said,
"You're hired."

All right. Fine. I'll just dump
the kid at the white zone at the airport.

There'll be cops on top of him
before he's done unloading.

Oh, Maxwell, I'm so glad you got
that baby to the authorities.

I was very worried about
that poor little defenseless thing.

Oh, slap that kid's picture on
a milk carton, and let's get back to work.

Oh, Joshy, what's the matter?
Why aren't you eating?

Oh, Niles, what the hell is this?

Pureed liver and Brussels sprouts.

Oh, the stuff that came out of him
was more appetizing than that.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, now don't get mad.

I'm just giving him one last feeding before
I have to take him to the orphanage.

Can you say, "Please, sir,
I want some more."

That's enough, Miss Fine.

Well, what's with the box? Are you planning
on mailing him to the police station?

Because then you better punch
some holes in the top.

As a matter of fact, these are
some of Brighten's old baby clothes.

I thought they might
come in handy.

Oh, that was very sweet of you.

Isn't he a nice man?
Isn't he a good man? Yes.

Miss Fine, I think you're becoming far
too emotionally attached to this child.

Yes, isn't she, little fella.

She, she is.
I think she is.

I think she is.
Well, you look very natural.

I've been there
three times, Miss Fine.

And if my expertise serves me,
I think we need changing again. Excuse us.

Oh, give him to me.
I'll take him.

No, no, that's all right.
I've got him. I'll do it.

All right. Wait a minute here.
Let's just lay him down there.

Lay him down. Yeah, little fella.
We're gonna change you.

Yeah, good boy, yeah,
good boy, good boy.

Well, Miss Fine,
I wouldn't stay there.

You never know with little boys.

Brighten once shorted a wall clock.

There we go.
Oh, yeah.

Well, we know one thing for sure.
His mother was not speaking Hebrew.

They love it when you blow
on their tummies. Who doesn't?

Who's the handsome
fella there, huh?

Yes, who's the handsome fella?
You know he reminds me of Brighten.

Heads up.
Oh, exactly like Brighten.

What did you do?
What did you do?

We'll get you dry. Yes, we will.
You're a good boy.

You know, Miss Fine, I apologize
for blowing up at you earlier.

Well, Mr. Sheffield, I apologize for...
actually, I didn't do anything.

You're quite right.

Come here, little guy. Come here.

Oh, oh, honey, would you
I mean, Mr. Sheffield,

put the TV on.

They like the background noise.

Senator Doll said
he hasn't read the bill,

but he's percent against it.

And in the local news, police
are looking for this woman

in connection with the mid-morning
kidnapping on the subway.

Oh, would you look at that nut.

And she's running around free.

Oh, my God, Miss Fine, that's you.

No way.

Suspect is said
to be five foot, seven;

approximately pounds,
and in her early 's.

Oh, you're right. It is me.

Miss Fine ...

Well, now, it's obviously a mistake.

And it's all my problem.
It has nothing to do with you.

Suspect is believed
to work for this man,

the Broadway producer
Maxwell Sheffield.

All right, that's it.
We're going down to the police station.

Oh, can't we just call Al Cowlings
and drive around for a while first?

Oh, wow! This looks just like
the police station on Cagney and Lacey.

No wonder they had so much
crime in that precinct.

All you had to do was
out run Tyne Daily.

Mr. Sheffield, maybe you should
take a number?

Miss Fine, this isn't a bakery.
They don't give you numbers.

Oh, all right.
.

Would you go get
a number, please.

Men, what are you going
to do with them?

Well, I'm not going
to sh**t him next time.

Oh, little Jeremy Mathew,
how are you?

What happened to Joshua Elliott?

I got tired of it.

I like the name Joshua.

.

Oh, that's us. Now may
I do the talking, please.

Now, Mr. Sheffield. I got us into this,
let me. Now, look, d*ck Sergeant.

I'm sorry, Seargeant.

d*ck Sergeant,
what are the odds?

Miss Fine ...

Oh, all right, you better
talk to him. I'm exhausted.

I've been taking care of
a strange baby all day.

Sergeant, this woman,
my nanny, Fran Fine,

is charged with a crime that
I can assure you she didn't commit.

Prostitution?

Excuse me.

I'm not a hooker.

I'm a kidnapper.

Well, my lawyer will
finally get that house

in the south of France
he's always wanted.

Fran Fine, you're under arrest.

Oh, my God. Mr. Sheffield,
call Jacoby & Meyers.

I want the fat one, not the thin one.
He's got an attitude.

Or is that Siskel and Ebert?

You have the right to remain silent.

Obviously you don't
know her very well.

Shoes

Hair

Well, height is one thing,
but if you think

that I'm going to set
one foot on a scale,

you might as well just put me into
a cell and throw away the key.

What next? Because frankly
I'm feeling very violated.

We're going to have to
strip search you.

Oh, no. Not until there's
a ring on this finger

and two tickets to Aruba.

Oh ... Well, I wouldn't
want to obstruct justice.

Oh, sir
Niles, what are you doing here?

Well, I was watching "America's
Most Wanted" and low and behold ...

I brought you a fresh shirt and
your shaving things. Oh, thank you.

I don't plan on being
here very long.

How on earth did you get here
with that gay pride parade going on?

Oh, I borrowed a poodle and walked.

In fact, I got several job offers.
What's the difference between
a butler and a houseboy?

Well, in your case,
about years, Niles.

Rot in jail, sir.

Well, there's one
fantasy sh*t to hell.

Niles ...

Didn't you see me fall in that
Con Ed ditch? I nearly k*lled myself.

All I saw was a blond woman in
an olive overcoat, and then she was gone.

Well, what am I wearing?

Oh, looky there.

Maxwell, is everything all right?

Has she been incarcerated yet?
Did I miss it?

Cee Cee, you could show
some concern for Miss Fine.

Maxwell, my concern is for you.

Before Nanny Fine entered our lives,
we never had to step foot
in a place like this.

Cee Cee? Girlfriend.

Got you again, huh?

You must have me confused
with someone else.

I've never seen
this person before in my life.

Oh, is that your game,
that's cool.

Just stay off Second Avenue.
Leon's looking for you.

Maxwell, I swear.

Here you go.

How'd you like it, sugar? Oh, it was so good,
I could do it again and again and again.

Maxwell, you can't seriously
believe that... I know.

Did you go to Brinmar?

Miss Fine,
what did they do to you?

Oh, it was horrible.

Seven women, one toilet, no door.

Here's Big Bertha doing her business
right out there in the open

like she's on "Wild Kingdom"
or something.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm scared.
I can't go to prison.

I went to the bathroom maybe
three times in all of summer camp.

I can't hold it in
for five to twenty.

You're going to have
to come with me.

Oh, I can't believe
this is happening.

I was just trying to be helpful.

This is just like Nickie
on the "Young and the Restless."

Young and Restless? Yeah.

Nickie Newman. (Inaudible.)
Yes, yes,

remember Nickie was accused of stealing
Cricket's baby at Gibo Cosmetics.

Cricket's ... (Inaudible.)

Only she wasn't stealing the baby.

She was looking or a woman
that was putting on blush.

Mascara. Oh, yeah,
she's right, she's right.

And then Cricket thought that the baby
was stolen and Nickie went to jail,

and that shower scene was more
than we should have seen on daytime.

Quiet, quiet.

It wasn't Cricket's baby.

It was Ashley and Snapper's.
Snapper.

All right.
Considering the circumstances,

I guess you're free to go, Miss Fine.

Can I at least say
good-bye to the baby?

Just wave, Miss Fine.
Oh ... Bye, Joshy.

Oh, Cibignia.
Cibignia.

Oh, that ought to go over
big on the playgrounds.

Well, I only knew him
for a couple of hours,

but I'll never forget him.

I'll never forget her either.
Quick, act like we're together.

You know what? I sort of liked
having a baby in the house,

except I had no idea
how much work they were.

And they're always making a mess.

You know what, Niles,
on second thought,

could you bring these upstairs
so we can watch some TV? Thanks.

I have two words for you.
Hansel and Gretel.

Well, actually,
that's three words.

Oh, my, would you look
at this mess.

I'm binging. I'm a little depressed
about giving back the baby.

Oh, well, sweetie, we had to
give him back. He wasn't ours.

That's right.
He didn't belong to our family.

Then why don't
you two make a baby?

Take it away, Mr. Sheffield.

Well, I mean, we'd have to be...
well, you know, you have to be married first.

Oh, right, married.
Has to be an engagement.

I'd want a big ring,
a party... don't ask.

Then why don't you two get married?

I did the last one.
Thanks.

Well, you have to be in love
with the person.

Don't you love, Fran?
Yeah. Don't you love Fran?

Well, in a nanny-Fran-boss
type of way.

Yeah. And I love your father in
a thanks-a-lot-you-British-cold-fish type of way.

But you could have a baby and
get married if you wanted to.

Well, we'd have to be best friends
to see if we can live together,

and of course there'd have to be
a very strong physical attraction...

would you go to bed. Geez.

Kids, huh? Always asking questions.
And such vivid imaginations.

Why is the sky blue?
Where's heaven?

Why don't you and I have a baby?
Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Meanwhile, I wonder
if I'll ever be a mother.

Well, there's always
the subway, Miss Fine.

Forget it. Next time
I bring home a baby,

it's going to be after nine months
of swollen ankles and an epidural

that could bring down Secretariat.

Please, no putting on makeup.

What are you going to do?
Charge me with lipstick?

Let's not play games.
Did you take the baby, Fran?

Now, I'd have to be pretty
stupid to take a baby

when I could have
taken the salami,

and I'm not stupid ...

Can I get a little eye contact here?

Oh ... You got a better chance of seeing
Tania Harding on a box of Wheaties.