02x19 - A Fine Friendship

[bunniefuu]

So, Gracie, are you excited about
your play date with Willie?

I think Willie just wants
me for my toys.

Oh, sweetie, you might
as well get used to it.

You're going to be guarding your
toys for the rest of your life.

Well, we're off. First game
of the Broadway Show League.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, don't
you look adorable.

You know, I don't think I've
ever seen you in jeans before.

Wait a minute. Turn around.
I think you got a rip.

No, no. Looking good.

Let's get going, Dad. I want
to warm up before we play.

Oh, what's your rush.
I've been to those games.

Whose idea was it to have Nell
Carter try and b*at out a bunt?

Fran, we're playing against
"Children of a Lesser God."

Their hand signals are awesome.

So's the guy on first base. Ohhhhh.

Oh, give it up, Maggie.
They're deaf, not blind.

Here. What's this hand
signal mean? Ouch!

Well, Brighten's playing sports,
and I accept tips.

Please, the only reason he's on the team
is a chance to see Margaret trying to run.

Oh, now, don't you go making fun.
I've seen you break into a trot.

You got a little "Nutty Professor"
thing happening yourself

Yeah, well, all right.
Time to play ball. Bye, sweetheart.

Have fun. Oh, you're talking to Grace.

Master Willie is here with his nanny.

Oh, now, honey, you go make an entrance
and check yourself like I taught you.

I'm fine.

Miss Fine, you might want to
dressed for this particular nanny.

Oh, why? What?
Is she all snazzed up?

One of those Park Avenue nannies with
way too much time on her hands?

Oh, look, "Planet of the Apes"
is on at : .

Hi, I'm Kurt, Willie's nanny.

Oh, hi, I'm Fran. How you doing?
Good. Okay if I use the phone?

Oh, yeah. Sure. Just pick up Line .

I'm on Line with my mother.

Uh-huh ...

What are you doing?

Oh, I thought there might be
something wrong with your eyes.

A handsome man just
walked through the door

and you didn't do your usual
subtle Hanna-Barbara reaction --

heart pounding through your thorax,

tongue unfurrowing and
landing on the floor.

Niles, please, the man's gay.

Now, how do you know that? You barely
spoke two words to each other?

Well, first of all, I was
instantly attracted to him,

which means he's
definitely unavailable.

Plus, did you see that
upper body? Trust me.

He's either gay or a priest
with a solar plexus.

Miss Fine, you're mad.
Oh, yeah? All right.

Well, watch this,
Mr. Know-It-All.

Kurt, who understudied
Carol Channing in "Dolly"?

Joanne Worley. Hello ...

I can never get Willie to take
a nap. You're amazing.

I'm telling you,
turkey makes you tired.

Why do you think they serve
it at Thanksgiving?

How else can you spend
eight hours with your entire family

unless half of them pass out?

Oh, what I wouldn't give for
Jimmy Smith's body. Hey, you and me both.

Meanwhile, I watch and watch, the only
one taking a shower is Dennis Franz.

Do you believe David Carruso
left that show? Oh, actors, huh?

I'm an actor.
Smart, very smart.

Is it okay if I use the phone again?
My agent asked me to call him.

Oh, absolutely. Maybe you got a job?
No. He's just a sadist.

But, then, I'm addicted to rejection,
so we both get a kick.

Oh look who's home.
How'd the game go?

That depends
if you're on our team or theirs.

Maxwell, it wasn't my fault.
I couldn't understand your signals.

Cee Cee, how many things
can this mean? Run!

Next time try yelling "last call."

Oh, Niles, dear-sweet-I-manage-
your-pension-plan- Niles ...

May I get you some tea?

You know, I don't mind that we lost.
I mean, at least I made it to first base.

You never even made it out of the dugout.
I know.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, Mr. Sheffield, wait a minute.
I think you got some grass stains there.

No, no. Looking good.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield ... Kurt Jacobs.

I was the understudy in
your production of "Equist."

Oh, Kurt, yes, of course. I didn't
recognize you without the big horse head.

Hello, Kurt. Remember me?
Cee Cee Babcock?

No.

I'm the producer who hired you?
Oh, right, right, right.

You, ah, you cut your hair.
Hey, it looks really fabulous --

Knock it off, Kurt.

So, how are you? Are you working?

Yes. I'm a nanny.
Oh, how awful for you.

Ohhh ... Oh, for a minute there,
I almost took that the wrong way.

So, Kurt, you're a nanny, huh?

Well, that's wonderful. You know,
children are our greatest resource.

Daddy ... Not now, Margaret.
I'm talking to our guest.

Well, it's been nice talking to you.
Okay.

So, come on, you want to watch
a little of "All My Children"?

Gee, I hope it was okay to tape
it over this movie tape,

"Brighten learns to walk."

Isn't that funny? I never even heard that
name Brighten until I started working -- Ohhhhh.

Hey, look who's up. Wow, you guys
really nodded off.

Can we go see the "Lion King" again?
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.

You're a little late. The two of you
slept right through the last show.

Besides, I got akunas
coming out of my matatas.

Is it only playing in one theater?
Yes. All the parents got together and insisted.

Well, come on, don't go anywhere.
We're going to watch "All My Children."

Listen, I haven't seen this soap
in seven months. Catch me up.

Well, they're still at Erica's party,

and the new guy slept with
what's her face's sister.

P.S., she's late,
which means she's pregnant.

Did you hear what they said?
What?

I was late to the "Lion King"
because we slept together. So?

So, P.S., I'm pregnant.

I'd better get a job.

Miss Fine not back yet?
Oh, no, sir.

She and Kurt went to the movies and then
for cappuccinos in Greenwich Village.

Do you think they might have
gotten lost? Oh, no, sir.

I think Kurt knows his way around
cappuccino country.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, Kurt, stop it.
I can't laugh anymore.

Oh, he does Merril Streep in
"Out of Africa" is to die for.

Do it. "I had a farm in Africa ..."
Well, he does it better.

Fran, I think Mr. Sheffield has
already seen me overact.

Well, I guess I could do it for
you if you want ... but I won't.

Meet you upstairs, Fran.
Okay. I'll be up in a few minutes.

Kurt's going to help me decide
what clothes to return.

Visa raised my limit.
Well, I showed them.

I hope you don't mind.
I know your rule about men in my room.

Oh, well, Miss Fine, it's a little
different with Kurt.

He's more like your friend Val,
only with a five o'clock shadow.

You've never seen Val at : .

Oh, I'll tell you, it is just
so easy being with Kurt.

I mean, I don't have to act like
I give a damn about the Super Bowl,

and wherever we go, we go dutch treat.
Although that part I could live without.

But on the upside, I can eat a side of
beef in front of him and belch up a hoof.

Want to hand me a plate?
Oh, yeah.

Well, I think you two are ideally suited.

You're both charming, outgoing people,
terrifically preoccupied with your appearance.

Oh, I know, I know. We both just
get right down to what's important.

I'll tell you, if he was straight,
I'd bring him home to my mother.

Well, that's something I'm sure
he can be grateful for.

Oh, I'll tell you, it's just
the story of my life.

I mean, we could have such
a beautiful future together.

We both want the same things.
Except one.

No -- actually, we both
want that thing, too.

Well, I know this one's going back.

Wait a second. Didn't
you wear that yesterday?

Yeah, but I didn't break a sweat.

So tell me, is your mother
a natural blond, too?

Ah, yeah.

Fran, look at this. I gotta shave again.
I'm telling you something, you women have it easy.

Oh, honey, talk to me when
you got a tongue depressor

full of hot bees' wax coming
at your bikini line. Dah-dah.

Oh, now this is fabulous.
Yeah? Zip me up.

Lots of easy access, too. Oh, good.
And I wasn't sure if the message would get across.

This shows off all my most sensitive areas.

Here, here, here, here --

well, almost all my most sensitive areas.

Hey, remember those puzzles where you
had to connect the dots? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, stop it, Kurt. I'm very ticklish.

Sort of like those college boards
where you had to fill in the dots.

Kurt ...
Uh-huh.

What's charmeuse?
I have no idea.

Oh, my God. You're not gay?

You're straight? Oh, I can't believe this.

Oh, this was really bad.
It's too slutty even for me.

When did you find out you were straight?

And does your mother know?

What'd she do? Dress you
in boys' clothes?

Fran, come out of the closet.
No. You go back into the closet.

I cannot believe I told you what
I do for yeast infections.

I poured Correctol in front of you.

Ahhhh!

You saw me without makeup on.

Fran, look, if you liked me when
you thought I was gay -- Huh?

-- you're going to love me now.

Come on, Fran. Huh?

Don't you feel the same way I do?

What did I --

Miss Fine!
Oh, Mr. Sheffield!

I'm really sorry, Mr. Sheffield.
Boy, this is incredibly embarrassing.

Look, Kurt, you have absolutely
nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Miss Fine, will you leave this
poor man alone. Not.

I'm so sorry about this, Kurt.
Oh, you must be feeling terrible.

Oh, my God, she's got lipstick
all over you ...

He might have a significant other.
Did you ever stop to think of that?

Kurt, you better go. Mr. Sheffield's
going to hurt himself jumping to conclusions.

I'll call you tomorrow, Fran.
Okay.

What was that? What -- whatwas
that thing that just happened there?

Well, I got a news flash for you.

Kurt is a flaming heterosexual.

Not a bad little kisser either.
All right. While you're here,

tell me, should I take this back?

Ah, I think you should put it on.

No. I already had it on.
It flattens out my --

Oh! Mr. Sheffield,
why didn't you say anything?

Well, I -- I didn't notice.

You didn't -- you know, I'm beginning
to wonder about you too.

Oh ...Oh, I can't get it on.
I'm stuck. Help me, help me.

Relax, Miss Fine, we'll get on.
Don't rip it.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm so hot.
I can't do this standing up.

Just -- just get on the bed.

If you let me tell Miss Babcock
about this, I'll work free for a year.

I brought you some pickles
and ice cream.

I'm so nauseous and
my ankles are swollen.

I hate you. You did this to me.

I know. I just wish I knew how.

I'm just so worried. Are we doing the right
thing bringing a child into this world?

Boy, could those kids play house or what?

Ah-ha, just as I thought.

Kurt's teeth are capped.

What?
No, no, I'm not making it up.

Look, look, you can see the little ridges.
See. Huh? Huh? Huh?

Maxwell, what is wrong with you today?

If you're not going to pay
any attention to me,

I might as well just go home.

Taxi!

I have three words for you --

Orange County bonds.

Mr. Sheffield, I got a couple of
things to talk to you about.

No. , do not use the downstairs bathroom.

No. ? Exactly.

Thank you, Miss Fine. You know,
I've just been going through Kurt's resume.

Oh, are you thinking of giving
him a job? Well, yes.

Let's see what he's suited for, huh?
Okay.

Man in crowd, man at stadium,
man in parade ...

Well, he was in "Forrest Gump."

Oh, yes. There he is. Man at rally.

That was him?

Well, aren't you a laugh riot.
What? Have you got

in Buddy and Sally under the desk?

Meanwhile, your son wants to
talk to you. Go ahead, honey.

Ah, Dad, I know you want to get me
into sports and everything,

but why do you always do shows
with old ladies?

Well, excuse me,

but most people would be honored to be
on a team with Katherine Hepburn.

Well, yeah, but did you have
to make her catcher?

Put it there. Put it there.

I mean, how do you pitch to that?

Well, I guess I'm going to go upstairs
and get ready for my date with Kurt.

Nanny Fine trying to pass off Kurt
as a date. How pathetic.

This from a woman who went to Cancun
with a crash dummy.

Oh, haven't you heard, Cee Cee?
It appears our Kurt is straight.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, that's impossible.

We worked together for several months.
There was actually no sexual tension.

Well, dah ...

Well, I couldn't be happier that
Nanny Fine finally found a man.

And what are you looking so smug about?
Oh, just an incident in Miss Fine's room last night.

With her and Kurt?
No. With her and another man.

Oh, I love it. Tell me, tell me.
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.

I swore I wouldn't say a word.
Read this.

Why?

I want to die.

There, there ...

Now don't do anything rash.

Good night, Cee Cee.
You animal.

Niles?
Sir?

You didn't say anything to Miss Babcock
about last night, did you?

No. You told me not to. Good.

Niles, do you -- do you think I've been
a little too rough on Miss Fine?

Well, she seemed to enjoy it, sir.

I'm not talking about last night.

Oh, Niles, I don't know.
It's this thing with her and Kurt.

Why is it gnawing at me like this?

Well, perhaps you feel that
he's not the right man for her,

that she'd be happier with someone else.

That's absurd. They're perfectly
suited to each other.

So why do I find it
so bloody irritating?

Oh, dear, that was the last apple.

Oh, I'm sorry, old man. Did you want it?

Well, yes, sir. But I didn't
realize I wanted it

until someone else had sunk his teeth
into it, and now it's too late.

Oh, God, it was right there
in front of me.

If only I'd snatched it up when I had the chance,
I wouldn't have this aching hunger.

Oh, God, man, have a bloody pear.

Hi, Niles.
Miss Fine ...

Going out with Kurt?
Oh, I guess so.

Well, you don't seem very excited.
Oh, I know, I should be nuts about the guy.

I mean, he knows everything about me,
and he's still interested.

I don't know. Maybe that's it.
There's no mystery.

It's like when you watch "Columbo."
Ten minutes into it, you know who did it.

Then you spend the rest of the hour
trying to figure out which one is the glass eye.

Oh, Niles, what's wrong with me?

Oh, dear, that was the last pear.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want it?

Well, yes, but I didn't realize I wanted
it until someone else had sunk his teeth into it.

Well, you snooze, you lose.

Hey, kids, what are you two
still doing up?

Niles was supposed to put you
to bed an hour ago.

Niles ...
Huh? Oh, this is not my fault.

Yeah.
They gave me turkey.

Good night.
Good night.

Nine minus seven?
Ah, two.

Come on, what are you doing?
I'm timing her subtractions ...

Three seconds.
It's time.

Oh, no. We can't have the baby now.
I don't know how to get to the hospital.

Hold it, honey, honey.
Calm down.

Gracie, you're not really
having a baby, honey.

But you said when two people sleep
together and the girl is late --

well, I was late for the "Lion King."
Oy ... That's what you were listening to?

Don't put peas up your nose
I have to say nine times.

Sweetie, you are definitely not pregnant.

And if you were, we would call
in "Geraldo" immediately.

I'm not? No.

Thank God. I'd like to get
a figure before I lose it.

Come on, you two, it's time for bed.
Boy, you two are just so cute.

You go upstairs and have sweet dreams.

Ah, Willie, you sleep
in Brighten's room.

Oh, Miss Fine, good, you're home.
Hi.

I -- I wanted to apologize for the way
I behaved about you and Kurt.

Oh, well, you know,
if I didn't know any better,

I would think that you were jealous.
Oh, please, Miss -- Miss Fine.

No. I -- I was just concerned about the children.
I thought maybe they'd get attached to Kurt,

and, then, when you break up,
they'd be upset.

Well, why are you so quick
to say when we break up?

How come you assume my relationships
won't work out?

Well, how's it going?
It didn't work out.

Oh. Did you part amicably?
No, not at all. It was very friendly.

Well, don't worry, Miss Fine.
If it isn't Kurt, it will be someone else. Hum ...

Good night, Miss Fine. Good night,
Mr. Sheffield. You know, I'm not asking for much really.

I just want someone that's going
in the same direction as me.

I know exactly what you mean.

Oh, Miss Fine ...
What?

I think you sat in something.

Nope, looking good.

Really, Ma ...

Uh-huh.