02x23 - A Kiss Is Just a Kiss

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Fran, did you see?
Billy Ray Cyrus is having a kissing contest

at Tower Records to find a girl
for the cover of his new album.

Oh, I love Billy Ray Cyrus.

Remember that cowboy bar
we used to go to in Flushing?

Of course.
I'm not just rock 'n roll,

I'm a little bit country, too.

Oh, they used to have
a mechanical bull.

I used to ride that
thing like crazy.

Oh, I'll tell you, if he was Jewish
I would have married him.

So, are you gonna enter?
Oh, are you kidding? I'd never win.

Pamela Chapman is entering.

Oh, she's so gorgeous,
even her mother hates her.

Oh, sweetie, you've got to have
more self-confidence.

All of those overdeveloped girls
just peak in high school.

Yeah. Remember that girl from our school
who was so beautiful and so popular

that everyone thought she would own
the world? Then her fiance dumped her,

she got fired from her job,
and she wound up working as a nan --

Fran, were you ever in
a kissing contest?

Well, I wouldn't exactly
call it a contest.

I mean, how many contestants
can you fit in a ' Comet?

But I must say, Jerry Swartz and I spent
the better part of the "Blue Lagoon" tongue wrestling.

You mean thumb wrestling?
Oh, yes, of course, honey.
That's exactly what I meant.

Thanks for correcting me.

Fran, why am I doing this? I don't
have a chance of winning a kissing contest.

Sweetie, you could do it
with your eyes closed.

Well, actually, you do it
with your eyes open.

Fran, you spy on me and Shawn
when we're making out?

Honey, spying and living vicariously
are two completely different things.

Shawn? What happened to Peter?

Oh, he's got a bad hair cut.
He'll be back in a couple of weeks.

Oh, that's Shawn. Oh, how am I going to tell
him that I'm entering a kissing contest?

Sweetie, just slip it into
the conversation. Be subtle.

Hi, Shawn.
Hi, Maggie.

Hi, Fran.
Hi, sweetie.

Oh, look at this, a kissing contest.
Oh, let's enter.

Meanwhile, she's fighting 'em off with a stick,
and I'm having impure thoughts about Judge Ito ...

Honey, you might as well tell Shawn.
Now is as good a time as any.

Wrong! Red alert!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Mating season in Queens, Miss Fine?
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Hello, darling, how's my little girl?

Margaret ...

Margaret? Oh, my God.

Dad! Oh, I'm -- I'm sorry.

Um, it's a -- a Peter, right?

Shawn, daddy.
Oh, yes, right. Ah, Shawn.

Well, of course, in England Peter
is short for Shawn,

which is one of
the many reasons why I left.

Let me show you how to be subtle.

Speaking of England, does everybody know
that Billy Ray Cyrus is holding a kissing contest

to see what girl is going to be
on the cover of his latest CD?

Kissing contest, huh?
Uh-huh.

Yeah. Not a bad ruse to get thousands
of girls to corrupt. I'll tell you ...

Tough job, hey, lad?

Man, think about it. Girls lining up
all dying to kiss you ...

Nah. When I'm in that situation,

I pick out the prettiest girl;
I take her home;

she puts on something sexy,
and then I ...

wake up, and Niles makes me
a really big bowl of Captain Crunch.

Speaking of Captain Crunch, I guess it's
no problem that Maggie enters the contest.

What? What?

Maggie, I'm not letting you do this.

Shawn, you can't tell me what to do.
You don't own me.

Absolutely right. I do.
Margaret, no contest.

Oh, come on, daddy,
all my friends are doing it.

Ah, Maggie, Maggie, Oz has spoken.

Good-bye. Go.

Take the Dutch boy.

Ohhh ... You're going to work on him.

Ohhh, so you're going to work on me, hey?

No, Mr. Sheffield, I am not
going to work on you.

In fact, I happen to agree with you.
I beg your pardon?

Well, you saw how upset Shawn got. I mean,
he can't stand the thought of her kissing anyone else.

If she enters the contest,
it could bust those two kids up.

We'd never see Shawn again.

Ah, Miss Fine ... Yes?

Perhaps you're being a little too harsh
on Margaret. Oh, am I?

Well, yeah. I mean, after all, all of
her friends are going to be doing it. Oh, okay.

Standing in line for hours
reminds me of home.

You know, we only had one bathroom.

My father would go in with the Sunday morning paper
and not come out until "m*rder She Wrote."

Fran, I don't stand a chance.
All these girls are so sexy.

Oh, sweetie, they've got nothing on you.

In fact, you've got something that
they lost a long time ago.

You still got it, don't you?

Oh, no. There's Pamela Chapman.

That gorgeous, stuck-up snob. Hi.

Oh, sweetie, she's no thr*at to --

wow! I didn't know Brad Pitt
and Claudia Schiffer had a kid.

All right, well, honey, you just go
in there and get it over with ...

Ah, you, honey, come here.

I'm from Homina, Homina Records,

and you don't need to wait in line.
You made the cut. Really?

Ssshhh! Ssshhh! You know what would
happen if anyone found out that I was here?

Now write this down.

Now, go to, ah, Mockingbird Lane.

Ask for Lilly or Herman.
Thank you.

Oh, I feel terrible. So awful.

You, honey, come here.
I'm from Homina Homina --

Fran, Fran ... Oh, my gosh,
that was so cool.

He is so cool. This is so cool.
You've gotta do it.

Oh, what? Are you kidding?
Oh, why not? For a goof. Come on.

Oh, sweetie, I came here for you.
I'm not gonna waltz myself up to Billy Ray Cyrus,

throw my arms around his neck,
and suck those farm boy lips off.

I wouldn't know where to begin.

Oh, come on. Go for it.
It's really fun, Fran.

Well, it's fun for you to kiss
a celebrity, but I get kissed --

out of my way.

Do it, Fran!

How could you do it, Fran?
Well, you told me to go for it.

Well, I didn't tell you to win.

I'm sorry. My mouth has a mind of
its own. There's no stopping it.

Never a truer word spoken. All right.
So what's going on here?

I can't believe it. By tomorrow, everybody
at school's gonna know that my nanny
b*at me out of the kissing contest.

What? You won the contest?
Well, if you want to call it a contest.

Well, as far as your winning
this contest is concerned,

we'll sort this nonsense out in
no time. Nonsense?

Well, Miss Fine, you don't seriously
think you actually won, do you?

I mean, they were looking for
a beautiful teenager.

And lovely as you are, you're not
exactly a teenager, hey?

Well, I remember my graduation a lot better
than some people that I won't spell it out for Y-O-U.

Oh, please, Miss Fine, you don't
seriously expect me to believe

you b*at out hundreds of young girls
just because of your kissing prowess?

No. I b*at them because
I happen to be a fabulous kisser.

Don't you think you you've gone just
a little overboard on the hyperbole?

I'm wearing "Obsession."

Miss Fine, this is insanity. There's absolutely
no way you could have won that contest legitimately.

Oh, no? No.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, you asked for it, buster.

I'm sorry I had to get tough
with you, but you had to learn.

Ah ...

Yes ...

Well, um ... right. Of course.

Ah, you know, Miss Fine, I ...

I thought I considered every
possible scenario.

Maggie wins, and I'm miserable.
Maggie loses; she's miserable.

But, ah-ha, here's a wild card.
You win, and we're all miserable.

Meanwhile, if you're so miserable, how come
I know you had clams casino and a side salad for lunch?

Decaf cappuccino and
a bite of cream broulett ...

I thought you were off the sweets.

Miss Fine ...

Miss Fine, you have to consider
my position in this.

I -- I have a certain stature
in the community.

I can't have you kissing someone
on an album cover.

You're my nanny for heaven sakes.
Your nanny?

Is that what I am to you?
Your nanny? Well, yes.

All right. You caught me
on a technicality.

I cannot have the person that's raising
my children doing something like this.

Well, who said I was gonna do it?
Well, I thought you just won the contest?

Well, what does that have to do with anything?
Oh, you're such a man sometimes.

Don't you realize that your daughter
has a very low self-esteem.

Something like this could crush her.
Is that what you want?

No. No. What I want right now is to be in
a pub with my hands wrapped around a tall Lager.

A logger?

Do the kids know that you're
considering an alternate life-style?

It's a beer, Miss Fine.
Oh. Well, speak English.

If you had absolutely no intention of
going through with this album cover
in the first place, what are we arguing about?

Well, I have no idea. I can't shake
the image of you picking up Paul Bunyan in a bar.

God ...

it would be easier to have
them raised by wolves.

Do you think I went overboard
with this ensemble?

No. You look just like when my Hebrew school
did "The Best Little Whore House in Texas."

This is so exciting.
I'm gonna meet Billy Ray Cyrus.

I wonder if he's related
to Sugar Ray Leonard?

Oh, he is so gorgeous.
Take a picture of us.

Try and look lifelike.

There he is. There he is.

Oh, he's so hot.
Look at that body, those eyes.

Hi, Fran. Hi ...

She's perfect, Billy Ray.
Isn't she?

Oh, thank you, Mr. Cyrus.
Oh, Mr. Cyrus, that sounds funny.

Gee, you know, if Emily Bronti married
you, her name would be Bronti-Cyrus.

Anyway, Mr. Cyrus, as flattered as
I am that you picked me to be your kiss girl,

I can't be on your album cover.

You're turning us down?
I'm afraid I have to.

You don't want to be in my new video?
No.

You don't want to be the kiss girl
on my European tour? No.

How about a couple tickets to the Grammys.
There's a party at Streisand's after.

What are we really talking about here?

The kid is an heiress. She's got
tooth picks for thighs. She'll bounce back.

Go. Go. Go.
No! No! No!

I'm sorry. But I can't.
Honey, you gotta do it.

You look great with Billy Ray.

Those teenagers made him look
a little long in the tooth. What?

Fran, what my ex-manager
is trying to say is

kissing you will appeal
to a much broader audience.

Yeah. Older broads.

Was I drunk when I hired you?

I am not an older broad. Tell him, Val.

Well, you're older than me.
Shut up, Val!

I'm sorry, but my mind is made up.

Darling, this is a great opportunity
for a woman like you.

You just gonna walk on out of
here with nothing?

No. I am gonna walk out knowing that
I did not destroy the self-esteem

of a very insecure young heiress.
And that's all I need.

Come on, Val. Help me carry
this on the bus.

Oh, how many times have I asked you
children to close the refrigerator?

What?

Miss Fine, I've told you there's
nothing to be depressed about.

You are a beautiful young woman.
What are you? Thirty-two? Thirty-four?

You better be talking about my bra size,

or you're gonna become awfully
chummy with a turkey leg.

Fran, I'm sorry I made such a big deal
about the contest. Hey, the best woman won.

Oh, honey, stop knocking yourself.
Being the best had nothing to do with it.

Being the one most likely to pass a liver spot
off as a coffee stain is what put me over the top.

Bottom line, you made him look old,
and I made him look young.

Really?

Sweetie, you're too beautiful.
That's your only curse.

Fran, I love you. I love you more.

Hey, at least Pamela didn't win.

I heard some lady at the contest sent
her on some wild-goose chase.

Oh, that's terrible.

Gee, did they say if they saw who it was?

Oh, no. The girls just said
it was some older lady.

Fabulous ...

Oh, Niles, know what the worst
part of it all is --

not that in five years my touche is
going to need training wheels --

but that Mr. Sheffield was right.

I mean, where do I come off thinking
I can compete with young girls?

Well, it was a little far-fetched.

Niles, don't help me.
I don't need your two cents.

Oh, but I will need a twenty.
That's my pizza.

Miss Fine, we're having dinner in an hour.

I know. Why do you think
I ordered thin crust?

Thank you. Keep the change.

Oh, hi, Miss Babcock.

So, Niles, what's wrong with Nanny Fine?

Oh, come on, Niles, tell me
or I'll just die.

You say it, but you don't mean it.

Miss Fine won the contest because they
were looking for an older woman.

There. Now, I suppose you'll run and tell
Mr. Sheffield because somehow in your sick,

twisted mind this will make you
appear more appealing.

Niles, please, that is beneath me.

May I help you?

Nanny Fine's old. What?

She didn't win the contest cause
she's a good kisser.

She won it because they wanted
someone really old like her.

Old? Oh, that's preposterous.
I mean, what is she? Twenty-nine? Thirty?

Oh, please, to what power?

I mean, do we really know how old she
is under all that makeup? She could be --

Your age.

That's right. She could be close to --
forget it, Niles.

Oh, it is so pathetic.

Nanny Fine thinking she could win a kissing
contest. I mean, kissing is an art.

It has to be sensuous, deeply felt,

and most of all, it has
to be spontaneous.

Was it as bad for you as it was for me?

Oh, poor Miss Fine.
And I was so insensitive to her.

Maybe I should go see if she's all right.

No. No, wait. Come back.

Didn't work out quite as
you planned, did it?

You set me up. You --

the run, the chase, getting
stuck in the door, everything.

My mental health is just
a sick game to you, isn't it?

Rack 'em up. Let's play again.

Miss Fine? Oh, um, don't come in.
I'm not dressed ...

Come in ...

Miss Fine, I do hope you'll
be coming down to dinner.

I can't have my favorite
nanny wasting away.

I don't think I could eat.

Do I -- do I smell pizza?

No. No. That's just Glade's
new Italian fresh scent.

Miss Fine, I --
I heard about the contest,

and I just can't bear the thought of you
feeling badly about yourself.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.
That's awfully sweet of you,

but really, there's nothing you can say or
do that's gonna make me feel any better.

Well, then I suppose
I'd be wasting my breath

if I told you that I think no girl could
possibly be a match for a woman like you.

I'd give it a sh*t.

Why are you Americans so
obsessed with youth?

You know, I prefer the more civilized
European sensibility that --

that people improve with age, like --
like fine wine ...

especially a beautiful wine
that's robust and earthly,

yet sweet and strangely compelling.

Oh, you're good.

One more thing before
I stop wasting my breath.

I think you are
one heck of a kisser.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, stop. Go on.

Well, I can't remember
being kissed like that.

As a matter of fact, I don't think
I've ever been kissed quite like that before.

No more. I'm blushing. Like what?

Well, with such passion.
Such abandon. Such ...

Such ...
Suction.

Yeah, well, Danny used to always
call me his little Dirt Devil.

Really? Isn't that charming.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you are so wonderful.

Here I was eating my heart out,

and then you come up and make me feel
so much better. You're such a doll.

I could just ...
Just what, Miss Fine?

Kiss you.
Oh.

Oh, well, far be it for me to refuse
a token of gratitude from a lady.

Thank you, Mr. Sheffield.

It's nice to know I've still got it.