02x24 - Strange Bedfellows

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Niles, look at the cake that I got
for my friend Mona's retirement party.

Oh, it's beautiful.
It's plaster of Paris.

Why would anyone buy a fake cake?

Well, because, you know, I'm gonna
take it out of the box,

they're all going to ouh and ah,
and then say, "Not for me. I'm an a diet."

This way I can use it again.
Plus I can carry it on the bus like this.

Is Mona excited about her retirement?

Oh, I'm sure she's thrilled. After all those
years k*lling herself working as a nanny.

Believe me, there's a lot of pressure being
responsible for the lives of other people's children.

Fran, where's Brighten?
I don't know.

Oh, you do know there's a piece
broken off the side?

Oh, I know. I had it at
my mother's not ten minutes.

She said it's dry, but if you
dunk it in Sanka, it's delish.

Niles, I seem to be fresh out of
clean handkerchiefs again.

You know, Mr. Sheffield, my mother
has a cold remedy that never fails.

Niles, next time you cut up
a chicken, save the feet.

Actually, I'm beginning to
feel a lot better.

See, never fails.
Ha! Ha! Ha!

None for me.
I can't. I'm on a diet.

Oh, you girls have
such great willpower.

Well, if you're not gonna eat it,
neither will I.

So, Annie, tell me, what did you get
Mona for her retirement present?

Well, you know how much
she loves Vicki Carr. Yeah?

I got her the new CD.

Oh, you know, someone
already gave her that.

You better take it back.
Thanks, Fran.

Here she comes. Here she comes.

Happy retirement! Congratulations!

Oh, shut up.

Give somebody's kid the best years
of your life, and what do you get?

A pat on the back and a couple
stinking Vicki Carr CD's.

Mona, did you switch perfumes?
I think this is a little too woodsy.

That's not perfume. The boss is
turning my room into a cedar closet.

Cheer up, Mona. Think about the big party
your boss is making for you
at the Waldorf on Saturday night.

Oh, that reminds me,
who's taping Dr. Quinn?

Meanwhile, when the party's over,
he goes home to Fifth Avenue.

And I move into a dump in Queens and

say good-bye to little Skippy forever.

Oh, now, Mona, little Skippy's doing
his residency at New York Hospital.

I think that you you've milked
this nanny routine long enough.

When I started this job, I was ,
gorgeous, a figure like you.

Look what happens after years of
eating all that rich food his butler makes.

Don't you worry.
Me and you are nothing alike.

I mean, you chose to be a nanny.

I just fell into it when
my fiancee dumped me.

Fran, that's exactly what happened --
Thank you, Lupie.

Mona is right. We're nothing alike

Hey, moron, scoop that poop!

Well, wait a minute here.

We're not alike because I've got
a skill that I can fall back on.

That's what I thought. See, I was working
in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens

until my boyfriend kicked me out in one of
those crushing scenes -- Stop it, Mona!

Oh, I'm so depressed.
Give me that cake.

Oh, um, ah,

woopsey. I dropped it.

It's still good.
No, it's not. No, it's not.

It's got dirt all over it.

Plaster of Paris.

I used to do that. It's a hell of a lot
easier to carry on the bus, huh, Fran?

Ahhhhh!

Come on, Niles, tell me what Maxwell's
getting me for my birthday.
I'll give you bucks.

No. But if you'll tell me
your age, I'll tell you.

All right. . There, that wasn't
so hard to admit, now was it?

Nanny Fine, how sweet.

That's for my birthday, isn't it?
Ah, yeah.

"Congratulations, Mona?"

Mona's your Hebrew name.

So how was the park?
Was Mona surprised?

No. But I was. You know, Niles,
being a nanny is a thankless job.

I mean, I'm history the minute
Gracie starts shaving her pits.

Feeling a tad insecure
about our future?

Actually, I'm not the least
bit concerned about yours.

I mean, as long as you can put a tea bag
in a cup of water, you got a career.

Meanwhile, I'm out of here as soon as
the last kid graduates.

Fran, have you seen my math book?
I have to study.

No, honey, but who cares really?

So what if you got left back?
What's your rush?

Look, second grade could be
the best four years of your life.

Go. Watch cartoons.

Oh, wait.

All right, go ahead.

Hubba, hubba.

Are you sure you want to waste
that on a nanny retirement party?

Oh, Niles, Mona is one of my closest friends.
I want to look nice for her.

Cardiologist Convention in
the next ballroom? Yeah.

Hum ...

Niles, do you have my cold medicine?
Yes. Here you are, sir.

You don't have to watch me.

I'll take it. I'm an adult.

Yes, I mixed in the honey.

All right, then, carry on.

Oh, Miss Fine, I thought
the PTA meeting was next week.

Don't be ridiculous.

I can't sit in this.

Well, have a wonderful time at the party
tonight, Miss Fine. Thank you.

As a matter of fact, why don't you
take tomorrow off? Huh?

You deserve it. You've been doing
a wonderful job.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Sheffield. Gee,
whatever you're taking, keep taking it.

Oh ...

Mona, wow!

You like?

Labels For Less.

I think it's Eaves St. Bernard.

So guess what. I don't have to
go back to Queens.

Your boss said he can't let you go because
he realized that the reason why he never remarried

was because he was in love with
you all these years?

No. I'm moving to Florida.
Oh ...

I'm gonna live with my mother.
Oh ...

I don't mind sharing a sofa bed with my grandma.
She's this year. Can you believe it?

Your mother and your grandmother.
Better.

Yeah. Grandma doesn't take up much
space, and she can't roll over.

So I just have to get used to
sleeping on a plastic liner.

Well, you know,
it's so much easier doing laundry

when you can use a bottle of
and a sponge.

Let's go, gorgeous. The boss gave
me the limo, and the bar is stocked.

Oh, Mona, you know, I can't drink.
One sip of Manischewitz at Passover,

and I'm humming the "Jeopardy"
theme during the four questions.

Oh, I know you can't drink either, honey,
but wait till the first time the boss tells you,

"Take the day of. You're doing
a great job." Why?

It's the beginning of the end, honey.

It means they don't need you anymore.

Well, maybe just one Pink Squirrel.

Gee, I don't know what
they put in a Pink Squirrel.

But I don't know how squirrels
hold onto their nuts.

Okay. Doing good.

Doing good. Doing good.

Doing bad, doing bad. Doing bad.

Oh, I knew I had a door.
Doing good again.

She works hard for the money.

So hard for the money.

She works hard for the money,
but he never treats her right.

She works hard for the money --
the money.

Oh, so hard for her money.

She works hard for the money,
but he never treats her right.

Oh, my God. I better comb my hair ...

Boy, I better get rid of
some of those pant suits.

Damn Annie Hall.

Oh ... Oh!

Oh, I'll take my makeup
off in the morning.

Da, da, dee.

Oh, what are you doing here?
The sun is up?

Oh, Niles, just give it a rest.

Today is my birthday.
You're not going to get my goat.

Why? Did you two get engaged?

Niles, just shut up.

How's Maxwell? Is he feeling any better?
Well, I think so, yes.

He took a wonderful
Jewish remedy last night.

I wish there was something
I could do for him.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat,
Miss Babcock, but Mr. Sheffield is waiting.

And you know how much better
he feels and how happy he is

when someone brings him his tray.
Oh, let me do it. Let me do it.

Oh, no, no, no, Miss Babcock, I couldn't.
Oh, just give me the stupid tray.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Now, you
really shouldn't be in his room.

Why? Oh, my birthday present's up
there, isn't it?

I'm right, aren't I?
Oh, you know me like a book.

Oh, Maxwell ...

Maxwell. Ahhhhhhhh!

Oh, Cee Cee.

Cee Cee, what on earth are
you doing in here?

What am I doing here? What is
she -- she doing here?

Who? Oh.

Ahhhh! Miss Fine!

Oh, I'm having that dream again.

Oh! Mr. Sheffield? What are
you doing in -- your room?

Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you ...

Would you all kindly
get out of my room.

Happy birthday, Miss Babcock ...

Miss Fine, there has to be a perfectly
rational explanation to all this,

but with you, that's so rarely
the case. What?

Well, nothing. It's just that you could
use a tic tac or something.

How the devil did you get in here
in the first place?

Oh, I don't know. I must have gotten
a little snockered at the nanny party.

What's your excuse?

Well, I did take a lot of cold
medicine last night -- I

-- I don't need an excuse.
It's my bloody room.

Snockered? I thought
you didn't drink?

Look, I'm a grown woman. I could have
a lousy pink drink if I want one.

I'm going through a personal crisis.

Meanwhile, these sheets are gorgeous.

Do you know if Niles has to iron 'em?

Miss Fine, focus.
Don't tell me to focus.

You're going to turn my room
into a cedar closet

while I rot in Florida curled up next to Grandma
Yetta on sheets designed by Rubbermaid.

You should come with a bloody
owner's manual, you know that?

I've given you the best years of my life,
and this is what you do to me?

I haven't done anything to you.

Did I? Oh, God, did we?

What -- what -- what am I talking about?
If we did, I think I would remember.

You bet you would.
Miss Fine!

Now, don't panic.
I know nothing happened.

I can guanantee it because my ears
don't itch. There. Okay?

All right. Just because
I'm desperate, I'm gonna ask you,

what do your ears have
do with anything?

Well, I can't really explain it.
All I know is that the next day
my ears always itch.

Oh, wow, like you don't have a thing?

Well, all right, I sing.

Any particular song,
or do you just scout?

"Georgie Girl."

Hey, gee, I've been working here for two years
and I've never once heard you sing --

great stones.

Oh, God, Niles, it was so embarrassing having
Miss Babcock come into my room when she did.

Oh, yes, I know. If only
I'd been there to stop her.

I could just kick myself.

It's not your fault, old man. You know,
the worst part of it is it was her birthday,
and no one remembered.

Oh, I did, sir. Oh, really?
How nice. Did you get her something?

Gave it to her this morning.

You know, Niles, I've forgotten what
it was like to wake up in the morning

with your bed smelling of perfume.
Oh, I hear you, sir.

I just wonder what's troubling Miss Fine.

Oh, what am I wondering for?
I'm standing here with Liz Smith.

I resent that, sir.

But according to my sources,

Miss Fine is feeling a little
insecure about the future.

Aren't we all? Perhaps she should use a little
less of that bloody aerosol hair spray.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not the future of the world, sir.

She's concerned
about the golden years.

Oh, no. They canceled
her favorite TV show?

Oh, please, sir, work with me.

What's to become of Miss Fine when
her services here are no longer required?

Oh, you're talking about after
the children are grown, aren't you?

Always one step ahead of me, sir.

Fran, what are you doing?

Well, you know,
I can't be a nanny forever.

I have to have something to fall back on,
and it says here if you can draw Blinkie,

you too can have a lucrative
career in animation.

This doesn't look
anything like Blinkie.

Hey, maybe you could try driving the big rigs
on the other side the match box?

Oh, shut up. Go get me
some tracing paper.

Come in.

Hi, doll. Oh, Mona, what are
you so dressed up for?

Oh, don't tell me it's a holy day
and I didn't go to Temple.

Now, God's going to punish me,
and there goes my career in animation.

No, no, Franny.

I'm getting married. Oh, Mona.

Oh, I hope it wasn't that waiter last night
that gave you the two end cuts.

Because, you know, he left with
the Yorkshire pudding guy arm in arm.

No ...

It's my boss.

We were saying good night at the Waldorf,
and he asked me to come back to the house,

and I thought, what?
Did I forget to clean my drain?

No, no. He had something to give me.

Look.
Oh, Mona, it's gorgeous.

Oh, I'm so happy for you.
No one deserves it more than you.

Meanwhile, do you think this
looks like Blinkie?

Honey, I gotta go.
He chartered a plane. Oh ...

Oh, and by the way ...
Yeah?

You know that cedar closet?
Yeah?

It was for me. For me. For me.
Oh ...

Miss Fine ...
What?

Well, Miss Fine, please sit down.

Look, if it's about my lipstick
on your pillow shams,

don't lose any sleep over it.
It's never coming out.

No, no, no, Miss Fine. When I first
hired you, I thought I was just getting a nanny.

But, well, you've turned
out to be so much more.

Mr. Sheffield, what's this all about?

Well, I -- I don't want you to think
this job is going nowhere

and that, when the children
are grown, you'll be all alone.

I want to take care of you for
the rest of your life.

Oh, could I just call my mother?

Oh, wait, I'll fill her in.
I'll fill her in.

Miss Fine, there's something
I want to give you.

Oh, wait a sec. Wait a sec.

Go ahead.

It would give me great pleasure
if you would -- Yeah? Yeah?

-- let me buy you a condominium.
Huh?

For your retirement.
A condo?

That's what you want to give
me for my future?

Oh, I'll tell you,
I have never been so --

would it include carpet
and Plantation shutters?

Yeah, of course. Pets okay?
Because I'd probably want a cat.

Whatever you want. So happy?
Yeah.

Oy, this is gonna take forever.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, by the way,
I'm sorry about last night.

Oh, Miss Fine,
don't you worry about that.

I think we should put
that whole incident behind us.

And after all, nothing happened,
right? Right?

Hey there, Georgie girl,
what a nice --