Oh, oh, I'm sick. Is there
a doctor in the house?
Is there a doctor in the house?
Oh, two doctors, very good.
Ah... Ah... Thank
you. All right, uh...
- What's my old ticker say?
- Boom, boom, boom.
Boom, boom, boom. I feel
like a million bucks, plus tax.
You guys really... Okay,
check the ear, real fast. Okay.
You could see
right though, right?
Thank you, I'm all better
now. What you guys want?
- What kind of payment? How can I pay you?
- Horsey.
JESSY: Horsey.
- Horsey.
You want horsey back ride for payment?
Okay, here we go. Jump on, guys.
Jump on, hurry.
Hurry, while we're
young. Here we go.
Here we are.
It's a good thing I don't
pay Dr. Fishman like this.
DANNY [SINGING]: If
you're happy Dust your stuff
If you're happy and you
know it Dust your stuff
If it's dusty and you know it
Then ceramic's gonna show it
If you're happy and
you know Dust your stuff
- Yeah. Hey, hey. D.J.: Hi.
Oh, let me take a wild guess. You
stopped at the mall after school, huh?
We had to buy gifts for
Kathy's shower tonight.
Your friend Kathy
is getting married?
She's already married.
She's having a baby.
What? She's still
on high school.
I know. She's getting extra
credit for it in Home Ec.
I can't believe that little
kid is having a little kid.
How did that happen?
Dad, it's time you and
grandpa had that talk.
We had that talk.
Did we have that talk?
- We had that talk.
- Good.
Oh, and after the shower, Kimmy and I
are gonna go to Steve's new apartment.
DANNY: Okay. Have a nice...
- See you.
Freeze.
Steve's apartment?
Steve? Our Steve?
That guy who sticks to
you like a snail to a building?
He has his own apartment?
Dad, he's in college. He
wanted his independence.
Well, I'm not so sure that you should
be allowed in a boy's apartment...
without some
kind of supervision.
Like an armed guard.
Oh, don't worry,
T-Bone, I'll be there.
That's a comfort.
Come on, Dad, it's just a place to
hang out. I'll be home at 11, I promise.
Okay, you can go, but I
want you back at 11 on the dot.
- Okay? D.J.: Okay.
Ah...
"My soul is at peace."
"I am like a dove."
What's he doing?
Listening to his
inner-tranquility tapes.
Watch this:
Hmm, hmm, hmm!
Nothing. He's totally gone.
Not that he's ever
really been here.
[CHUCKLING]
"I am a yoke in the egg of life.
Not poached... over easy."
Yeah, stupid side up.
[BECKY CHUCKLING]
Well, how do you
get him out of it?
Simple, you have to change
the message. Watch this:
I am a tranquil idiot.
"I am a tranquil..."
Hey, come on.
Come on, I'm trying to escape
from the pressures of everyday life.
I thought that's why you
watch Beavis and Butthead.
[IMITATING BEAVIS' LAUGH]
MICHELLE: Goodbye, miss.
- Hey, Michelle.
- Hey.
- Hey, shorty, how you doing?
- Terrible.
My teacher said Monday is hobby
day, and I don't have a hobby.
You have lots of hobbies.
You, uh, go to school.
You, uh, brush your teeth.
You, uh, clip your
toe nails, that, uh...
All right, not the
coolest of hobbies.
What's your hobby, Uncle Jesse?
Well, I have lots of hobbies.
Uh, for instance, this week I'm
gonna be working on the backyard.
- I'm gonna cement the driveway.
- Cementing.
That's gonna be my new hobby.
Uh, Michelle, wait a second.
You know cementing is
pretty complicated work.
I don't think that's a
good hobby for you.
- Or you.
- What?
Nuts. I was this close
to having a hobby.
Honey, how come you're
cementing the driveway?
You told Danny we're
gonna get estimates.
Well, I did. I happen
to be the lowest bidder.
Look, I'll rent a cement truck and
with the help of my tranquil pal...
we'll get it done at
a fraction of the cost.
- All right. I'm there for you.
- All right. Thanks, buddy.
- Let's go rent a cement truck.
- All right, I got shotgun.
Go.
[KNOCKING]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Well, this is it.
What do you think?
Whoa, this is so cool. I can't believe
I know someone with their own place.
I know. Isn't it great?
I've got total freedom.
Watch this:
I can stand on the coffee table.
I can have ice cream for dinner.
Ready? Watch this:
Mmm, this is my dinner.
And check this out, ready?
I could crank up the
stereo as loud as I want.
Whenever I want.
[D.J. LAUGHING]
[BANGING]
MAN: Turn it down, you punks.
Or, I can crank it way down
whenever that guy wants.
Congratulations. I love it.
- Where's your roommate?
- At the library studying. Where's Kimmy?
- Oh, she couldn't make it.
- Oh.
So, uh... I guess we're alone.
So, what do you wanna do?
I don't know. We can
do whatever we want.
We've got total freedom.
Wait.
Wait.
It doesn't get any darker.
D.J.: I know.
So, what's wrong?
I don't know.
Something just
doesn't feel right.
Oh, well, look, that's because
you're sitting on my golf shoe. Sorry.
Well, that was a
bit, but that's not it.
Deej, what's the matter? We can finally
be alone without your father barging in.
Or your sisters, or
your uncle, or your dog.
You know, you have a lot
of people living in that house.
I'm sorry.
I know that we've always
wanted more freedom...
but now that we have
it, it's just a little scary.
Maybe we can take
things a little slower.
- Okay, no problem.
- Steve...
No, Deej, I'm kidding. We
could just hang out, it's cool.
You know, I like just
being here with you.
Thank you.
So you wanna watch a video?
Sure. What do you have?
I've got Terminator,
or Indecent Proposal?
- Terminator.
- Terminator, yeah.
Buddy, we are gonna save so much
money by cementing this driveway ourselves.
Two buddies doing
manly cement work, huh?
- I'm there, buddy.
- All right.
- Check out these figures.
- Okay, run them by me.
Just so happens I'm wearing my
multi-functional digital-data watch.
- Throw them at me.
- Loving it. Let's crunch some numbers.
Take the cost of the
truck rental for one day.
Plus, the cost of the cement,
add tools, equipment...
..plus, the cost of
labor, which is zippola.
And what's the grand total?
I don't know, but it took you
nine seconds to say all that.
I'll get it.
Hey, guys, I'm really
worried about D.J.
She was supposed to be home at
11:00 and it's already past midnight.
It is?
Oh, man.
I should've never let her
go. What kind of father am I?
Oh, Danny, you're
a great father.
What's the big deal? Just
call her. Where is she?
She's at Steve's, I
don't have the number.
What? What kind
of a father are you?
All right, guys, settle down.
She went out with Kimmy, right?
Yeah.
So let's just call
over at the Gibblers...
and find out what's going on.
It's good thinking.
Okay.
[PHONE RINGING]
Ye...? Whoa, nasty.
- Yellow?
- Yeah. Hi, Kimmy. It's Mr. Tanner.
I'm looking for D.J., I thought you
were with her at Steve's apartment?
My parents wouldn't let me in a
boy's apartment unsupervised.
They have rules, you know?
What kind of father are you?
I don't have time for this.
Just give me the number.
Okay, okay. Hang
on there, T-Bag.
Boy, somebody's trapdoor
is buttoned too tight.
"Buns of Steel"...
Ah, here it is. Okay, 555-6410.
- Okay. Thank you.
- But don't bother calling her.
- Why not?
- Steve's phone isn't hooked up yet.
Gibbler, I want it right
away. Just hurry up.
Wait, I think I have his
address somewhere, hang on.
I'll talk to your parents,
I'll have you grounded.
I don't care if you're not my kid.
Get me that address right now!
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
TERMINATOR
[ON TV]: I'll be back.
[KNOCKING]
[RUSTLING]
[g*nshots ON TV]
Oh, my God.
[CRACKING]
Oh. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
- It's 1:00. I gotta get home.
STEVE: Well, I'll drive you.
D.J.: I hope my
dad didn't wait up.
He did.
Dad. What are you doing here?
I'm, uh, trying to remember
the name of my chiropractor.
Dr. Schembeckler?
Thanks. Now, it's my turn.
What are you doing here?
Well, you know, it's
the funniest thing.
You're gonna laugh
when you hear it.
[LAUGHING]
I'll bet you I won't.
Dad, I'm so sorry.
We were watching a
movie and we fell asleep.
- It will never happen again.
- You're right, it will never happen again.
Because you're not allowed here anymore.
This place is off-limits from now on.
- Dad, that's totally unfair.
- Totally unfair?
Know what's totally unfair?
A parent who stays up worrying
about his daughter, that's unfair.
Dad, you're blowing
this way out of proportion.
Way out of proportion? You
see a SWAT team with me?
You see helicopters circling the
building? You see the Bat-signal out there?
- I don't.
- Okay. Okay, Dad.
I said I was sorry.
And I said let's go.
[SINGING ADDAMS FAMILY THEME]
So, uh, Lurch, Gomez, you
actually finished the driveway.
I gotta admit, I had my doubts. But
assuming that this thing hardens...
I'd say you do an excellent job.
Beck, do you have something
to say about our fine handy work?
Oh, well, uh, what can I
say, honey? It's, uh really flat.
Yeah, all the good ones are.
Hey, guys, how's it going?
We fell asleep.
I'm gonna go talk to D.J.
Okay, I'd say it's time for my
midday pre-dust spot cleaning.
Danny, you're not gonna
eavesdrop, are you?
Of course not, I'm gonna
watch him like a hawk.
All right, buddy, let's get this
truck back. Time is money.
Okay, I'll pull the
truck out, buddy.
- Uh, buddy.
- Yeah, buddy?
How long does it take
for a cement, to say, dry?
I don't know, about 72 hours.
Why, buddy?
Because you guys started at
the wrong end of the driveway...
and you can't drive
over wet cement, buddy.
[LAUGHING]
Gotta go.
I haven't figured it out
yet, but this is your fault.
You know how much it's gonna cost
to keep this for another three days?
No, not yet. But let's
crunch some numbers.
- Crunch some numbers.
JOEY: My watch!
We're gotta run the mixer or the cement's
gonna harden. Give me those keys.
Oh. Oh, yes.
I'm a bird. I'm soaring
through a quiet meadow.
Stephanie, I found a new
hobby. You wanna see?
Sure. Why not?
I'm collecting leaves.
What are you, nuts?
This is just from the backyard.
I still have the
front yard to do.
Look at this. It's
all over my stuff.
Hey, those were the ones
with the little bugs on them.
Bugs? That's it.
Dumb hobby coming down.
Oh, yeah?
That was my shoe.
And that was the other one.
Okay. Fine.
Fine. Here's Mr. Piggly-Wiggly.
MICHELLE: Here goes Mr. Spider.
- And your little bunny.
MICHELLE: And teddy.
- Your books.
[VACUUM WHIRRING]
I don't believe it.
Here he comes again.
Oh, you're in here.
He's Hoover-ed us out of
every room in the house.
Don't mind me. Excuse.
Thanks.
Dad, I really need
to talk to Steve.
Oh, go ahead and talk.
I'm just counting down
till the next bag change.
Well, don't let us bother you.
D.J.
- Dad! Dad! Dad!
- Dad! Dad! Dad!
Stephanie's throwing
my hobby out the window.
I had to. I need a leaf
blower just to get to my bed.
- She's crazy.
- I am not.
Yeah? Then, why did you
throw Mr. Bear out of the window?
Because I couldn't
lift your desk.
- Why wouldn't have you...?
- You know how...
Girls. Girls. Girls! Hello?
I am not in the mood
for this, all right?
First thing, you're
gonna rake the leaves...
you're gonna rake up the bears,
you're gonna kiss, hug and apologize...
because you're
loving sisters, okay?
Case closed. Thanks.
Boy, he really
streamlined that dad talk.
Yeah. We got off pretty easy.
DANNY: Look at the mess in here!
Maybe not.
Look how low we've sunk
just to get some privacy.
Sitting in this grungy truck, when we
could be sitting in my grungy apartment.
- You know, I've never noticed that before.
- What?
The way your nostrils
flare when you get angry.
- It's kind of sexy.
- Really?
Well, to a point.
"I am at peace."
"Gliding. Soaring. Floating."
Man, what a mess up there, Jess.
Is there anything worse than
ground leaves in the carpet?
Yep.
My kitchen! Joey, do something!
I'll try to keep it from spreading.
You catch it off the chute.
Not your shirt!
- Get a bowl!
- A bowl, right.
- A bowl!
- Good.
DANNY: Oh, no.
- Here, I got a bowl. I got a bowl.
Oh, no, no, not that
bowl. That's my fine china.
- Fine. DANNY: Oh!
Oh. Oh, no, not that bowl.
My mother gave me that.
Oh, Jesse.
JESSY: How about this drawer?
Do you have any emotional
attachment to the drawer?
No, I mean, I like it but...
I'm going down.
You know, uh, this
broom is not working.
Turn off the truck.
Turn off. Why
didn't I think of that?
When your
adrenalin is running...
you forget the
most obvious thing.
- The truck. DANNY: The
truck, turn off the truck.
That's what I'll do.
Joey!
"Sniff the minty woodlands."
"There. Now. Aren't
we calm and placid?"
[KNOCKING]
It's open.
Dad, I know I've been
saying this a lot lately...
but I'm really, really sorry.
I know you are, Deej.
And no matter how long it takes,
I'm gonna pay you back for that mess.
Oh, I know you will.
We'll work out something...
but right now there's something
else that we have to work out first.
What did I do now?
Well, actually, it's
something that I did. Uh...
I don't know if you noticed...
but I was kind of following you
around with the vacuum cleaner today.
I thought that was you.
Yeah.
Well, I, uh...
I really didn't really
respect your privacy...
so in a way, I think I kind of forced
you and Steve into that cement truck.
What I really wanted to
do was just talk to you...
about what I was feeling
last night at Steve's apartment.
Dad, I knew what
you were feeling.
Steve's whole building
knew what you were feeling.
Maybe I overreacted
just a tad, huh?
Dad, I tried to explain to you
but you wouldn't listen to me.
You were treating me
like I was a little kid again.
I know. I know. I'm
really sorry, Deej.
All I kept thinking about was Kathy
Santoni, a girl your age having a baby.
Then I saw you and
Steve on the couch.
- You saw us?
- Well, briefly, until the chair gave out.
Dad, nothing happened.
I know.
Everything is just getting so complicated.
I mean, you're a young woman now.
You're in a serious relationship with
a boy and he's got his own apartment.
I guess, uh, if your mom were
around, things would be a lot easier.
Dad, you're doing fine.
You don't have to worry,
I'm not Kathy Santoni.
Dad, there are so many
things that I wanna do...
and see before I get
married and have a family.
This is so nice to hear.
- We should have these talks more often.
- Anytime, Dad.
I love you.
I love you too.
Oh, uh, one more thing,
about Steve's apartment...
No, it's okay.
You can go, I trust you. As long
as you're back by curfew, all right?
Thanks, Dad, that's great.
But what I was gonna say is...
Steve's landlord says you owe
him 30 bucks for that chair you broke.
What? That piece of junk?
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
JOEY: Full House
will be right back.
Don't move.
Don't move? Where
the heck am I going?
- Hey, I found
something. JOEY: What?
- Look at this.
- That's my watch.
It still works.