07x03 - Wrong Way Tanner

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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07x03 - Wrong Way Tanner

Post by bunniefuu »

[SINGING THE
KINGSMEN'S "LOUIE, LOUIE"]

Take it, boys.

BOTH [SINGING]: A y-ya-ya-ya

Take it, boys.

BOTH [SINGING]: A y-ya-ya-ya

Ready, guys?

Rock 'n' roll. Rock 'n' roll.

Rock 'n' roll.

Okay, Thunderbirds, what are the positions
when we line up for a corner kick?

- Joey?
- Yes, Michelle?

Are we the hugs or the kisses?

Hugs or the kisses? Oh,
you mean the X's or the O's.

No, Michelle, in soccer...

we use these symbols to
designate abstract player deployment.

Now, what I'm
saying to all of you is...

We're the kisses. Anyone
else have a question?

Me, me, me.

Anyone else?

- Hey, I got one.
- Yes, Aaron?

Are you going to buy us pizza
after the game or are you too cheap?

Hey, hey, hey, he
shouldn't have to feed us...

he's already donated his time.

Well, thank you, Derek. And
what position would you like to play?

Well, I've always heard that
the goalies get the babes.

Goalies get the babes. Well, I can't make
any promises in the babe department...

but you do get to wear
this nifty goalie outfit.

Okay.

We are now entering
the Tanner household.

Steph, what's the deal
with the video camera?

I'm doing a video project for school.
"A Day in the Life of the Tanners."

Stephanie, I happen to be in the middle
of a very important coaching session.

That's okay, just act natural.

Oh! When was the last time you got
around to trimming those nose hairs?

ALL: Ew! Aaron: Sick!

These are private
nostrils. You can't use that.

- Watch yourself.
- Okay, okay.

Okay, there's more
stairs. More stairs. Ah! Ah!

STEVE: Careful.
- Can someone please help us?

My chain got caught
on Steve's sweater.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Watch it, D.J. Do you have any
idea how expensive this sweater is?

- I should, I bought it for you.
- Oh, yeah.

How did you guys
get stuck together?

- Well, we were upstairs studying...
- Studying? Not!

They were kissing.

Kissy-face! Kissy-face!

ALL: Kissy-face! Kissy-face!

- Kissy-face! Kissy-face!
- Will you kids stop being so immature?

Kissy-face! Kissy...

Well, there's no room for that kind
of immature behavior on this team.

My class is gonna love this.

Your class? Steph,
you can't use that.

I have to. It's too goofy
not to share with the world.

- Steph, give me that. Give it to me.
- Hey, ow! D.J.! I'm unraveling, D.J.

D.J.: Stephanie!

Oh, no, no, no. Nicky, Alex,
not Uncle Danny's Tupperware.

He will never forgive us if anything
happens to his cold-cut keeper.

- Bad boys.
- Bad boys.

No, you're not bad boys.

You just got mixed up
with the wrong crowd.

- Bad boys.
- Bad boys.

Oh, "Bad Boys." You
wanna get down, huh?

[SINGING] Bad boys, bad boys

What you gonna do, what you
gonna do When they come for you?

Bad boys, bad boys

What you gonna do, what you
gonna do When they come for you?

Bad boys, bad boys

What you gonna do, what you
gonna do When they come for you?

Bad boys, bad boys

What you gonna
do, what you gonna...

[LAUGHS]

- Send her a ringer.
- Great.

How much of that did
you happen to see?

Just the part from:

Bad Boys, bad boys

- I don't dance like that.
- We can always check the tape.

Yeah, or we can burn
it. You can't use that.

Oh, come on, Beck,
be a good sport.

It's the funniest thing
on that tape, right, Steph?

Well, it's kind of a toss-up between that,
and your morning pep talk to your hair.

Well, occasionally,
I yak to the guys...

because, you know, it's like a plant.
You know, like when you talk to a plant...

You have that on tape?

Oh, yeah, every inspirational word. I
laughed, I cried, but mostly I laughed.

Oh, come on, Jess,
be a good sport.

I'll be a great sport, once I get
that tape. Steph, give me the tape.

Give me that tape. You
can't do that. Give me... Whoa!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Okay, everybody, let's set up
for our kicking drills. Let's go.

Come, let's hustle.
Let's go, you guys.

Okay, okay, let's
get it together.

- Hey, Michelle.
- Joey, this is great.

I love soccer. At home, I'm
not allowed to kick anything.

Okay, get over there,
you little kicker. Let's go.

Okay, let's go.

Okay. All right. Everybody, hold it
up for just a second, all right? Okay.

Derek, I think I forgot to mention
this is soccer, not dodgeball, okay?

The goalie's allowed to
stop some of these sh*ts.

But the ball travels so
quickly. It's bound to smart.

Bound to smart. Yeah, I
guess that kind of got by me.

Well, it's not gonna smart
as much as you think, okay?

So hang in there,
son, all right?

Okay, let's go,
everybody. Come on.

Let's get it together. Come on.

- Hey, Joey.
- Oh, hey, Danny.

How's the squad
coming this year?

Well, it's a rebuilding year...

so, you know, we're going
with the youth movement.

And, you know, the tykes, they
like to put the boot to the ball...

so we got that going for us, which, you
know, is a plus when you think about it.

Okay, Michelle, your turn.

Honey, just concentrate.
It's a big net and a small ball.

Make it happen.

Yes! Derek S.
Boyd with the save!

That's okay, Michelle. Nice try.

Joey, she's not... What's the
word I'm looking for? Good?

Oh, Danny, come
on, it's her first day.

She's just learning, and look
how much fun she's having.

I don't know. D.J. and Steph,
they were natural athletes.

They took after me.

I guess for Michelle to
become a good soccer player...

she's gonna need
a little practice.

Danny, I think her soccer's fine. I
think her shoe-tying needs a little work.

All right, Tanner's all
alone right up at the net.

It's just her and the goaltender.
She takes a mighty kick and...

Goal!

That's 48 straight goals
for Michelle Tanner.

Forty-eight straight. A good time
to go in for supper, right, Dad?

Sweetheart, we
have plenty of time.

The better you play, the
more you're gonna like soccer.

I thought I liked it already.

Hey. Guess what, string bean?

Thanks to me, you can say
goodbye to irritating pests.

You're moving?

No, I just put in a heavy-duty
bug zapper. The Insect Inferno.

This baby gets them all.

[BUG ZAPPER CRACKLES]

Pesky flies... [BUG
ZAPPER CRACKLES]

annoying mosquitoes...

[BUG ZAPPER CRACKLES LOUDLY]

nearsighted squirrels.

Oh, but don't worry,
he's only stunned.

Hey, how many
fingers do you see?

I gotta build a higher fence.

All right, Michelle, it's time
to get back to business, okay?

Daddy, why can't we go in now?

Sweetheart, you know what
they say, "Practice makes perfect."

Why can't they say, "Let's eat"?

Hey, Danny, don't you
think it's time to call it quits?

Jess, all I'm trying to do is make
Michelle a better soccer player.

You sound like my dad.

All he was trying to do is make
me a better baseball player.

But he pushed me so hard,
the guy scarred me for life.

After school each day,
he'd crouch behind the plate.

I had to throw 100
strikes before dinner.

How did that scar you for life?

To this day, I hate baseball...

and I still get hungry every
time I see a Greek man squat.

That's not gonna happen to
Michelle. I'm an excellent soccer coach.

What do you know about soccer?

I've never seen you kick anything
but a tire on a car, and you missed.

If you would give me
a little bit of room...

I will demonstrate my
amazing soccer skills, okay?

You guys see the
knothole in the fence there?

Well, don't take your eyes off it. Plant
the left, swing the right and kapowee!

[BUG ZAPPER CRACKLING]

Plant the left, swing
the right and kapowee!

[IMITATES BUG ZAPPER CRACKLING]

Daddy, how long do you
want us to watch that knothole?

Hey, you owe me 90 bucks
for a new Insect Inferno.

- What are you talking about?
- I give you exhibit A.

Great balls of fire.

This is definitely two thumbs up.
They'll probably show this on parent night.

Steph, wait, you can't use that.
Steph. Steph, it's embarrassing...

[CROWD CHEERING]

Okay, okay, stay in
position. Don't bunch up.

Michelle, never ever bunch up.

If you feel like you have to
bunch up, I say, what the heck.

Go ahead, bunch. Bunch
if you have to. If you have...

A little bunching now and
again never hurt anyone.

- Have fun, kids.
- Come on, honey.

DANNY: Make some contact.
- Hey, guys, did I miss anything?

Yeah, just your dad
and your Uncle Jesse

acting like a couple
of meddling buttinskies.

Why am I never around
for the Kodak moments?

JOEY: Come on.

- Come on, guys.
- Michelle, hold on a second, sweetheart.

Listen to me. The
game is tied 3-3.

There's only a minute left.
I want you be aggressive.

I want you to get out there,
go for that ball and score.

- We can win, honey.
- Okay, Daddy.

Wait a minute. It's okay
if you don't, all right?

It's just a game. Life goes on.

Tomorrow, you're going to wake up, sun
will be shining, birds will be singing...

you got your health,
most of your teeth.

- Okay, Uncle Jesse.
- Good.

Guys, come on, I got a game
going on. You see what's on my shirt?

It says "coach," so let me do my
job. Go on, get in there. Let's go.

- Hustle.
- Good luck, honey.

JOEY: Hey, get the ball.

Honey, we've got the ball
down now. We can win!

It's just a game. Have fun, now.

Michelle, turn around,
you're going the wrong way.

No, honey, the other way.

No, no, no!

Michelle, you'll have a lot
more fun if you're going that way.

- It's more fun. That way.
- Other way.

Michelle, no!

I scored! I scored! I scored!

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

- Way to go. All right.
- Thank you, thank you.

- You guys are good losers.
- Not exactly.

Nice work, Michelle.

What? I scored the winning goal.

Did you happen to
see who the goalie is?

Yeah, he looks a lot like Derek.

It is Derek. You scored
for the other team.

We lost because of you.

[ALL GROANING]

Oh, come on, now, don't cry.

I mean, who'd expect Michelle to kick the
ball into her own net in the first place?

Well, listen, you
have a little bite to eat,

maybe take a nap
and you'll feel all better.

Right. Okay, bye-bye.

Derek's taking it
pretty hard, huh?

Well, I don't know about that,
but his father sure is a mess.

I hope Michelle's
feeling a little better.

Oh, man, it's all my fault.

I put so much pressure on her...

she didn't know whether
she was coming or going.

When she started, she
was a happy-go-lucky kid.

Then I got ahold of
her and I worked her...

and I drilled her until there was
nothing left but just an overworked...

overdrilled little hunk of
overworked, overdrilled kid...


Danny, don't get
your shorts in a knot.

Joey, I'm upset.

No, I mean, your shorts
are really in a knot. Look.

Danny, it was my fault. I was contradicting
everything you guys said to her.

I was saying one thing,
you were saying one thing.

I'm telling you, it was my
fault. I was really... I blew it.

- Danny, it was my fault.
- It was totally my fault.

- I was an idiot.
- No wonder she went the wrong way.

Guys, hey, whoa. It wasn't
any one person's fault.

It was both of you.

MICHELLE: Ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Michelle, something wrong with your leg?
- Yeah, I just broke it.

Now I'll never be able
to play soccer again.

Michelle, you're very brave...

coming downstairs like
that with a broken leg.

- Must really hurt.
- It does. Look, I can't even hop on it.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

It's funny, because I thought
your other leg was broken.

Oh, yeah. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Honey, I'm not a doctor,
and I don't play one on TV...

but I think your
leg is okay now.

I think you're just feeling bad about
what happened today at the soccer game.

Well, maybe it's not broken,
but it's still kind of itchy.

Sweetheart, I wanna tell you
something. I'm really sorry.

I put too much
pressure on you. I just...

I wanted really, really bad for
you to be a good soccer player.

That's okay, Daddy.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Your Uncle Jesse was right. You
should play soccer for the fun of it.

But I don't wanna play soccer.

I wanna quit, just like
Uncle Jesse quit baseball.

Hey, hold, hold,
hold, hold it, shorty.

Now, listen, I hated
baseball. You love soccer.

If you love something,
you gotta keep doing it.

- Right, coach?
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Jess. Absolutely.

Michelle, look...

you made a little mistake, but what do
you say? You wanna give it another try?

I wanna play soccer, but
everybody's just gonna make fun of me.

Well, I know you're
embarrassed...

but everybody gets
embarrassed now and again.

Not like I was today.

I was the most embarrassed person
in the whole wide universe. Ever.

Times 10.

Times 10, huh?

Well, Michelle, I think I can prove to
you that somewhere in the universe...

there's someone who is a lot
more embarrassed than you.

Michelle, I think you'll find
this informative and educational.

It's a little something I like
to call "You Can't Use That."

STEPH [ON TV]: Okay, we are
now entering the Tanner household.

Steph, what's the deal
with the video camera?

STEPH: I'm doing a video project for
school. "A Day in the Life of the Tanners."

Stephanie, I happen
to be in the middle of

a very important
coaching session right now.

STEPH: That's
okay, just act natural.

Wow. When was the last time you got
around to trimming those nose hairs?

Stephanie, these are very
private nostrils. You can't use that.

[JOEY LAUGHING]

Stephanie, there is
no way! Stephanie!

Stephanie, give me that tape!
Just come on, I'm really serious!

- You cannot have this.
- D.J., I'm losing sleeve here.

I mean it. You cannot use
this! Give it to me! Give it to me!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Steve, I am so sorry
about your sweater.

Hey, Deej, it's okay. I
still have the sleeves.

My mom can use
them as leg warmers.

BECKY [ON TV]:
Bad boys, bad boys

What you gonna do
When they come for you?

Bad boys...

How much of that did you
actually happen to see?

- Bad boys.
- Bad boys.

Yeah, that's us. Gladys
Knight and the Pipsqueaks.

All right.

Boys, you've been shampooed,
conditioned and hot-oiled.

I want you standing proud,
blowing in the breeze...

hanging over my face, looking
tousled at just the right angle.

But most importantly, I can't stress this
enough: Never, I repeat, never fall out.

Oh, and, hey, guys, let's
be careful out there today.

I'm proud of you.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- I knew she was
there. JOEY: Oh, yeah.

All right. You guys see that
knothole in the fence over there?

Well, don't take
your eyes off of it.

Plant the left, swing
the right and kapowee!

[BUG ZAPPER CRACKLING]

Plant the left, swing
the right and kapowee!

[IMITATING BUG ZAPPER CRACKLING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

It'd be a lot funnier if I
didn't owe Gibbler 90 bucks.

STEPH [ON TV]: Just so
you don't think everyone...

of the Tanners is a
nut bar, here's Comet.

Comet, come get
your rubber pork chop.

Come here, boy. Come
here, boy. Pork chop.

Whoa!

I certainly can't use that.

Oh, Comet. Oh, Comet.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I still have some editing to do.

MICHELLE [ON TV]: I
scored! I scored! I scored!

Well, at least I
kept my shoe on.

[JOEY LAUGHING]

See, the best thing you can do when you
get embarrassed is just laugh at yourself.

It will get you through
some tough times.

So you think that leg of yours is feeling
good enough to play soccer again?

I don't know, Daddy.

We got that big rematch
against the Badgers Saturday.

But what if everybody
starts making fun of me?

Just be cool, laugh
along with them.

You're right, Uncle Jesse.

All I did was score in the wrong
goal. It's not like I talk to my hair.

[ALL LAUGHING]

All right, all right, okay,
all right, I think she gets it.

I think she gets it.
Steph, give me the tape.

Give me the tape! Come on!

Hey, guys.

So you guys decided to show up.

Isn't there a rule in
this league? Don't you

have to be like this
tall to be obnoxious?

Okay, you guys ready to get
out there and b*at those Badgers?

KIDS: Yeah! JOEY: All right.

We are, but I don't know
about Wrong-Way Tanner.

Hey, Joey, isn't there a way we can trade
Aaron for a loudmouth to be named later?

That's okay, Daddy. He
doesn't bother me one bit.

Come on, everybody.
Let's get out there!

AARON: Michelle, wrong way.
- Michelle, the field's over here!

Michelle!

Gotcha!

[LAUGHS]

Come on, everybody!

- Let's go kick some
Badger butt! KIDS: Yeah!

DANNY: Have fun, honey.
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