Okay, Comet, let's
try it one more time.
Roll over.
Okay. Boys, show
him how it's done.
[GIGGLING]
See how easy it is?
Now, you guys get a cookie.
- Thank you, Michelle.
- Thank you, Michelle.
Okay, now you get a cookie.
[GIGGLING]
I'm gonna need
some more cookies.
Uncle Jesse, are you
gonna eat that sausage?
No, no, I'm just gonna cool
it off for you. Here you go.
MICHELLE: Thanks.
- Dad?
Steph, why aren't
you ready for school?
Dad, I have a serious problem.
Do I go post-preppy
chic or neo-retro grunge?
Man, when I was
starting junior high...
it was my brother's shirts
and my father's pants.
You know, it may be
time to give them back.
You have nothing to worry about.
You'll look cool no matter what you wear.
I don't feel cool.
It's been two weeks, and I don't
know anyone and nobody knows me.
My homeroom teacher still calls me
"girl in the back who grinds her teeth."
Honey, it's just gonna take a
little time. You'll make new friends.
I hate redistricting. Why
did I get stuck at DiMaggio?
Jennifer B went to Vanatta,
Jennifer C went to Marshall...
and Jennifer S went to Central.
Maybe you'll meet
a new Jennifer.
You guys don't get it.
Junior high is all cliques.
The brains hang out with the
brains, the jocks with the jocks...
that leaves two hall
monitors and Lester Herbeck...
the six-year-old genius
who plays the harp.
Stephanie, you are a great kid.
You gotta try and relax a
little. Don't push so hard.
- Right, Jess?
- Yeah, just be cool.
And most importantly,
don't let them smell your fear.
- Yeah, wear a lot of perfume.
- Right.
Thanks, great advice.
I'll send you a
postcard from Dorkville.
What are you doing?
You know, these things should
really come with instructions.
Yeah, it is pretty complicated.
"Pretty complicated." Good one.
[CHUCKLING]
Well, bye.
You're in sixth grade, right?
Yeah, what tipped you
off? Can you smell my fear?
No, you're books are covered.
You're in seventh grade, right?
- Yeah, my name's Mickey.
- I'm Stephanie.
Thanks.
Oh, I tried, it's broken.
[DRYER WHIRRING]
Wow, that was cool.
[WHIRRING STOPS]
[CHUCKLES]
The Rush Hour Renegades will
be right back with a new segment...
where kids call in
and tell their problems.
Right. Right after this message
from Zits No More My Teenie.
- Oh, kids are here.
JOEY: Come on in, guys.
D.J.: Hi! JESSE: Hi.
- Thanks for coming down.
- Hey, guys.
Thanks for helping us out with
this new "Teen Talk" segment.
Joseph, buddy, pal, I thought we agreed
the name's gonna be "Yakking with Youth."
I mean, a youth calls up, we yak with
them, hence the name "Yakking with Youth."
It's not fair. You get
to name everything.
Our old ad agency, our
radio show, Nicky and Alex.
I'm the father.
I could've been consulted.
You know, I can't believe I'm
gonna finally be on the radio.
Is my voice too high? Because I can
do like a Darth Vader thing. Ready?
[IMITATING DARTH
VADER] Luke, I am your father.
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
Steve, I think your regular
voice is much sexier.
[VOICE CRACKING] Really?
Uh, really?
All right, guys, we're on in three.
Here we go. In three, two, one.
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
MAN'S VOICE [OVER
SPEAKERS]: Rush Hour Renegades.
Coming at you.
And we are back with
D.J., Kimmy and Steve...
three living teenagers, here to help
us help you solve your problems...
on a new segment
called "Teen Talk."
He likes to call
it "Teen Talk"...
but the actual name of the
show is "Yakking with Youth."
How do you explain a
theme song that goes:
[SINGING] Teen
Talk Talking with teens
Teen, Teen Talk...
[SINGING] On a show
called Yakking with Youth
Yakking, yakking
Yakking with Youth...
All right, let's take our next
call here. It's from Randy.
Randy is 14. He has a problem
with homework. Go ahead, Randy.
RANDY: I've been paying a buddy of
mine to do my homework since first grade...
and now he's moving
away. What should I do?
Well, Randy, that's just the type
of problem we're here to solve on:
[SINGING] Teen talk, teen talk
Yakking with Youth
Yakking, yakking...
All right, D.J., why
don't you handle Randy's
little problem while
I step outside...
and have a chat with my partner?
- Partner.
- Ow! Ow! Ow!
It's called "Teen Talk."
Yakking with Youth is the
dumbest title I've ever heard.
"Teen Talk." "Teen Talk"
is much better. "Teen Talk."
- Uh, Randy, are you
still there? RANDY: Yeah.
Well, I think your best bet is to
try and do your own homework.
I let this friend of mine copy
my homework for years...
and she became
intellectually deficient.
What does that mean?
RANDY: I'm gonna call Howard
Stern and see what he says.
[INAUDlBLE DIALOGUE]
Hey, this is the radio,
shouldn't we say something?
Yeah.
[IMITATING DARTH
VADER] Luke, I am your father.
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
I'm hungry.
I hope you have something better
than the healthy junk you had yesterday.
Hey, Michelle. How's
it going with Aaron?
How do I look like it's going?
Oh, honey, it won't
be much longer.
I just promised his
mom, you know...
I'd help her out until his
regular babysitter stops twitching.
This fridge is a joke.
No Ding Dongs, no HoHos,
no Nutty Buddies. It's bone-dry.
- I have raisins.
- I'm allergic to raisins.
My lips blow up and I
can't talk when I eat raisins.
Raisins it is, then.
He's so cute, and his
locker's right next to mine.
I can smell his gym socks.
[MICKEY LAUGHS]
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, Dad.
This is a friend of mine.
Mickey, from school.
A new friend.
Well, what did I tell
you? It's nice to meet you.
This is a great occasion.
Any friend of Stephanie's is a
friend of mine, and the family...
- Okay, Dad.
- Well, then, I can see my time is up.
Mickey, can I get you anything?
How about a note to get
me out of gym tomorrow?
I'm kidding. I write
my own notes.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- Really?
- Hey, Dad, Mickey's in seventh grade.
She showed me how to get free
doughnuts from the teacher's lounge.
Really?
You guys wanna play a
game with us upstairs?
Michelle, we're in junior
high. Give me a break.
Yesterday nobody
would even talk to her.
- So, Dad, can Mickey stay for dinner?
- Well, sure.
Oh, thanks, but it's my turn to
make dinner for me and Janet.
- Your sister?
- My mother.
- See you.
- Bye, Mickey.
Bye-bye.
So she calls her mother Janet?
Yeah, isn't she cool, Danny?
Dad?
I don't know, it seems that
Mickey has a little bit of an edge.
An edge? Dad, you make
her sound like she's a criminal.
Well, no, I didn't say that.
But that's what you're
thinking, aren't you?
I find a friend
and you hate her.
- I don't.
- You don't like her.
- I don't even know her.
- But you think you do.
Whatever you think
about her, you're wrong.
- Do you like this shade?
- Sure, I use it all the time.
It's for your lips.
Oh, I know, I was just
seeing if it was sharp.
[LAUGHING]
So I said, "That is the
worst fake idea I ever saw."
- Uh, I better get going.
- Oh, hang out.
Hey, guys, this is Stephanie.
This is Kelly, Gia
and Lisa, the guys.
Well, that's funny, you
don't look like guys to me.
[LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
Guys, check out the bod on
that new math teacher, Mr. Lucas.
What a babe.
It was the first time I've
ever stayed awake in algebra.
- Uh, I better not.
- How come?
I'm trying to quit.
You should see
my last chest x-ray.
Sixth graders are
terminally pathetic.
[BELL RINGS]
Uh-oh. There's the
bell. We better get going.
KELLY: "Uh-oh!"
- The bell.
GIRLS: "Uh-oh!"
Hey, give her a
break, she's a good kid.
Oh, yeah?
Then why don't you go
be a good kid with her?
Give me a light.
LISA: Where'd you
find that dweeb?
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
Hi, Steph, you wanna play cards?
My life has come down to this.
- Where's your new friend?
- I don't know, Michelle.
I know where all my friends are.
Denise is at home, Derek's at dance
class, while Sue's at Hebrew school...
Okay, okay, Michelle. Just deal.
Okay. Hold your breath
and pick three cards.
- What?
- You breathed.
Now you have to sing
"Happy Birthday" to the king.
Michelle, what are you talking
about? This isn't even a real card game.
You're making it
up as you go along.
So what? That's how we play.
Fine, I capture your queen.
- Hey, you can't do that.
- That's cheating.
How could I cheat?
There are no rules.
Cheater, cheater, cheater.
- This game is stupid, stupid.
- Cheater, cheater...
Hey, hey, hey.
[ALL SHOUTING]
MICHELLE: Hey, stop it. Hey.
- Stop it!
- Whoa! Whoa!
Guys, the airport just called
and complained about the noise.
Dad, Michelle invented this
stupid game with no rules...
If it's stupid then why
are you playing it?
- And where's your new friend?
- I don't know.
Why does everyone have
to pry into my personal life?
Hey, I'm a dad. Prying is
part of my job description.
Forget it. I'm through
playing with six-year-olds.
Hey, Nicky, you
done with the blue?
Well, stay inside the lines.
Well, you stayed
inside the page.
Hey, guys, what do you think?
- Pretty cool, huh?
- Bad Stephie.
Exactly.
Preschoolers are
terminally pathetic.
BECKY: Hi.
Steph, thanks for
watching the boys.
It's so much easier going down the cookie
aisle without four extra arms sh**ting out.
Sure, I could watch
them every day.
Wouldn't you rather
be with your new friend?
Please, Aunt Becky, could you
just not talk about friends or school?
Oh, Steph, I remember junior
high. It can be pretty tough.
- It was tough for you too?
- Oh, sure.
I remember coming home crying when
I came in second for Winter Princess.
You actually cried over that?
Well, yeah.
I had to ride on the little float
with only one snowflake attendant.
Not a great example.
But if there's something you
wanna talk about, maybe I can help.
Well...
I don't think so.
Well, if you ever do
think so, I'm here for you.
- Thanks, Aunt Becky.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you, Mama.
- Thank you, Mama.
You're welcome too.
[GASPS]
You little cookie monsters.
What did you do? What's that?
Thank you very much, sweetie.
All right, we'll be right back
with "Yakking with Youth."
- "Teen Talk."
- b*at you, we were off the air.
You guys are acting
like a couple of babies.
You know what, D.J. is right.
- Does it matter what we call the show?
- Course not.
- "Yakking with Youth" it is.
- "Teen Talk."
- Talk. Talk. Talk.
- Yak. Yak. Yak.
Guys, cut it out. There's a
very simple way to settle this.
Yeah, do what we do
at the Gibbler house.
Let's see, we'll need some
masks, tights and a steel death cage.
Interesting plan, Kimmy, but I was
thinking of an even simpler solution.
We're part of the show, so
why don't we take a vote?
Good idea. Good, Steve.
Nice hair, by the way.
- Thank you. JESSE: All right.
All in favor of "Yakking
with Youth," raise your hand.
Thank you, Kimberly. I've
always liked you since day one.
Okay, all in favor of the subtle
yet witty "Teen Talk," put them up.
Thank you, Steven.
So it's 2 to 2. Makes it
a tie. It's up to you, D.J.
Well, to tell you the truth, I
think both titles are kind of lame.
- Lame?
- Even mine?
Bert, Ernie, your
switchboard is lighting up.
Oh, all right, all right.
Hey, we're back. I guess
you already knew that.
Our next caller is a girl named Olga.
She's a junior high school student.
Olga, go ahead.
STEPH [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT]: I
am junior high student new to America.
My problem is a
group of new friends...
wants for me to smoke...
what you call cigarettes.
Well, Olga, did you do it?
STEPH: Almost, but no.
Well, Olga, in our country,
"Almost, but no" is thumbs upskie.
Thumbs upskie for you
maybe, Mr. Radio Man...
but I want for
this girl to like me.
I think that if you have to smoke in order
to be her friend, she's not a real friend.
That's right. A true friend
likes you for who you are...
and how much money you have.
Uh, you know, from a
guy's point of view, Olga...
kissing a girl who smokes
is like kissing an ashtray.
What ashtray have
you been kissing lately?
Well, actually, my Aunt Ethel.
I love her and all, but she smokes
so much her Dalmatian's all black.
You know, Olga, you sound
like you have a nice voice.
You don't wanna smoke.
You'll sound like Yosemite Sam
with a cactus caught in your throat.
[IMITATING YOSEMIMTE
SAM] I think that ra...
[COUGHING]
Olga, what Cartoon Breath
is trying to say over here...
is that smoking is not cool,
and that's that, you know.
So listen, stick to your g*ns, and
most importantly, enjoy our country.
Next up, the Beach Boys.
See, guys? Now, does it really
matter what you call the show?
The important thing is that
we helped someone out.
Yeah, D.J.'s right. It was stupid
getting into this whole competitive thing.
It was just a thing
we did. Sorry, pal.
I'm sorry to you guys.
You had to put up with a lot.
You know what, after the show
I'm gonna buy you guys a pizza.
You know what, after pizza,
I'm gonna take you all bowling.
After bowling,
ice cream's on me.
Ice cream, everyone.
All the toppings you want.
After that, we're going
shopping. Who needs socks?
Socks? They don't
need socks. I got money.
- I got cash.
- I've got Krugerrands.
JESSE: I've got...
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey, Steph, how's it going?
[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] It's good...
[IN REGULAR VOICE] I mean, fine.
[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Olga.
So it was you on the radio, huh?
- You heard me?
- Yeah.
Steph, I'm glad I did.
I knew something was bugging
you, but I didn't know what it was.
I didn't wanna tell you
about this cigarette thing...
because I was afraid
you'd be mad at me.
Mad at you? Steph,
I am proud of you.
I know how hard it is
to go against the crowd.
Dad...
did kids ever try to
get you to smoke?
Well, yeah. But, actually, you
know, it never appealed to me.
If I wanted to fill my
lungs with smoke...
I'd just stick my head in
a barbecue pit, you know.
But what am I gonna do about Mickey?
I think I still wanna be her friend.
Well...
You know, you gotta
trust your instincts, honey.
If you like Mickey, and you think she's a
good person, then you should be her friend.
But if you don't wanna be her
friend, that's okay too, you know.
Why does she have to smoke?
Well, you know, it's possible she's
feeling the same pressure that you are.
She's just not strong
enough to stand up to it.
Maybe. But what do I
do if I see her tomorrow?
Do I tell her how I feel?
Should I wait for
her to talk to me?
Maybe I'll just stay home
and finish junior high by mail.
Oh, Steph.
You know what, you
just hang in there...
because believe it
or not, it gets easier.
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
So they're letting you go to the
bathroom all by yourself now?
Yeah. When are you gonna start?
Ooh.
Little Miss-Big-Mouth
got me good.
You wanna smoke?
Oh, that's right, you quit.
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
Yeah, I guess I'm just
a big fan of breathing.
[LAUGHS]
What are you laughing at?
That was funny. If
something is funny, I laugh.
Yeah, if something's
funny, she laughs.
Shut up.
Sixth graders are
a waste of skin.
You should know, you
were there for three years.
It was two, so, ha!
Come on, Mickey,
walk me to detention.
Mickey, you're coming or what?
No, you guys go, I'm
gonna hang out here.
With this scrub?
If she wants to hang
out with a scrub, she can.
Not that there is one in
here, but if there were...
They got the point.
Come on, let's get out of here.
[BELL RINGS]
Well, guess I better go.
- Yeah, okay, see you.
- See you.
Wait, Steph?
You wanna do
something after school?
Well, I do, but my lungs don't.
Oh, the smokes.
I've been thinking
of cutting down.
Great.
Did you see what Mr. Lucas
was wearing today?
Brand new Dockers. He's so cute.