Hi, guys, what you doing?
- Homework.
- No.
You guys were kissing.
Wow, you know,
nothing gets by you.
In school, we learned millions
of germs live in your spit.
Well, Michelle, when you kiss someone,
you don't really think about germs in spit.
Okay, it's your mouth.
Now, where were we?
We should get back
to this geometry guide.
We should do the homework.
[PLAYING PIANO]
[DOOR OPENS]
Hi, Daddy.
- Hey. There's my favorite
family unit. ALEX: Hi, Daddy.
I'm gonna get you,
boys. I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna get you,
guys. I'm gonna...
All right. How was your
new playgroup today, huh?
You guys voted Least
Likely To Have Split Ends?
Oh, look at that luster,
it's blinding. It's blinding.
[GIGGLES]
I bet all your little friends
were jealous of you guys, huh?
- Uh, Jess?
- Hmm?
- Honey, can you come here
for a second? JESSE: Yeah.
Hold on one second.
About their little friends...?
They don't have any.
What do you mean they don't?
Mrs. Plankin said they won't
socialize with other kids in playgroup.
- They only play with each other.
- Well, they're probably just too cool.
Same thing happened
with Elvis in his playgroup.
- He'd only hang out with Sonny and Red.
- Jess...
- It's in all the books.
- Come on, this is serious.
Now, Mrs. Plankin suggested that we
join a parents of twins support group.
We don't any support group... What
does this Plankin character know?
Well, she's got four kids, a
Ph.D. in Child Psychology...
and she wrote a book, Why
Your Twins Don't Socialize.
It was the nominated
for the Pulitzer Prize.
Nominated? If she's so
smart, why didn't she win?
- Right, boys?
- You said it.
High-fives. All right.
- And you know it all, huh?
- When it comes to our kids, that's right.
Look, Beck, the playgroup is
probably just boring, that's all.
- You could do better?
- Right again.
- Thursday good for you?
- Perfect.
- Good.
- Good, what good? What happened?
Well, I'm gonna call all the parents and
tell them that playgroup is here next week.
Our house? This house?
Beck, just... Just
out of curiosity...
approximately how many of these
knee-nibblers will be joining us?
Only seven.
But don't worry, it'll
feel like a lot more.
Shouldn't we ask D.J.
before we borrow her stuff?
Michelle, D.J. and I have
a special understanding.
- What's mine is hers and what's hers
is... D.J.: Hey, who swiped my stuff?
Still hers.
Aha! My sweater
and my bracelets.
You know, I'm tired of
you guys stealing my stuff.
We're not stealing.
We're simply borrowing.
- And when did you plan to give it back?
- When you caught us.
- That's stealing...
- No, it's not...
[ALL ARGUING]
STEPH: Why can't you just let us...?
- Girls? Girls.
D.J.: No, I don't want...
- Girls, you know the rule.
No arguing an hour after
eating. Wanna get a cramp?
Dad, every time I take a shower, Stephanie
goes in my room and swipes something.
- And now Michelle's doing it too.
- So stop taking showers.
Then we'd definitely stop
borrowing your clothes.
Okay, that's enough. I think
it's time for Dad Talk Number 42.
No, wait a minute, 42 would
be "Table Manners at a Luau."
No, this would be Dad Talk 45:
"Sharing, It Rhymes With Caring."
Come on, girls, you know you
have to respect D.J.'s property.
Next time you want
something, ask her for it, okay?
- Got it, Dad.
- Okay.
And D.J., you know, next time, you
could be a little bit more generous.
- I'll try, Dad.
- Okay.
Thanks for the talk. Sometimes
we just need a little reminder.
My dad talks are
getting pretty good lately.
Maybe I should tape them and
try to market them, you know?
I could call them
Pop Psychology.
You know, pop like "dad"
and...? It's a working title.
It's cute, yeah.
All right, you little closet
kleptos, hand it over.
You told Dad you were
gonna be more generous.
That was next time.
This is still this time.
Couldn't last time be this time
so this time could be next time?
I gotta learn to tell time.
Come on, hand it over.
Give me all the bracelets.
Every one of them.
And the sweater...
[SINGING] The wheels on
the bus Go round and round
Round and round Round and...
All right, everybody
sing it like Tony Curtis.
[SINGING LIKE TONY
CURTIS] The wheels on the bus
Go round and round
Round and round Round and round
The wheels on the
bus Go round and round
All through the town
[IMITATING TONY CURTIS]
I love you, Spartacus.
Hey. Hey, boys, where you
going? Get back on the bus.
I like it here.
Guys, come on, you
gotta play with the group.
Come on, boys,
they're nice kids.
I mean, sure, there are a
few bad haircuts out there...
but you'll find
that in any group.
Just look at Congress.
Now, come on, guys. Don't
you wanna go play with the kids?
Not today.
- Jess? JESSE: Huh?
You know, if Mohammed
won't go to the mountain...
- All right, which one's Mohammed?
- No, no.
What I'm saying is if the
boys won't go to the group...
bring the group to
the boys, you know?
Oh, yeah. Well, I knew that.
So no kid's named
Mohammed, right? I just wanna...
- No.
- Okay.
[SPEAKING IN AN IRISH
ACCENT] Let's go, group.
I've got a couple of lads for
you to meet over there. Let's go.
I'll be a pumped-up goose. Go
on, bring your shillelagh over there.
See that, boys? The kids
came over to play with you.
See you later, Daddy.
Guys, where you going? You're
supposed to be playing with the other kids.
All right, you know what?
They'll be right back.
They're a lot of fun. In
fact, they're party animals.
- Now, go play with Uncle
Jojo. JOEY: Come on, let's go.
This playgroup's boring.
Hey, cut me some slack. I
run a pretty good playgroup.
You don't have a clue.
Oh, playgroup critic, huh?
All right, what's your name?
What do they call you?
- What's your moniker, kid?
- Linus Plankin.
Ah, Plankin.
I heard your mom
lost the Pulitzer.
At least she got nominated.
[IMITATING POPEYE] Whoa, good
one. Nailed by an ankle biter, eh?
Get over there and
watch the kids, huh?
I'm dead. My life is over.
- Oh, come on, D.J. It's not that bad.
- Not that bad? I got a ticket.
My dad's never gonna
let me drive his car again.
I can't believe
I'm a pedestrian.
Deej, this isn't about religion.
You're gonna be walking.
- You know, Kimmy, this is all your fault.
- Hey, I was airing out my socks.
Who knew that hanging your feet
out the window was illegal in this state?
Well, this ticket says
you're obstructing my view.
Wait, I thought you got it because her feet
didn't meet current pollution standards.
Deej, it's your dad's car.
You gotta do the right thing.
Pay the ticket
and don't tell him.
Well, I guess what he
doesn't know can't hurt him.
That's why Nana waits till Grandpa's
asleep before she trims his ear hair.
I gotta go now, Deej,
all right? Good luck.
Oh, and Kimmy? Listen, next time
you stick your feet out the car window...
make sure we're going
through, like, a car wash, all right?
KIMMY: Bye-bye, Deej.
Hi, Deej.
How long have you
guys been here?
Seven years.
I don't mean on
the planet, Michelle.
How much did you guys hear?
Hmm, just enough
to ruin your life.
Look, you two,
not a word to Dad.
You mean, you want us to
keep something from Father?
We couldn't.
Okay, what do you guys want?
Well, for starters, how about
taking a little tour of your closet?
Okay, you little rats
can borrow my clothes.
That's just the beginning.
We also need to accessorize.
ALL [SINGING]:
Pocket full of posies
Ashes, Ashes We all fall down
Oh, Slinky in the butt.
That's a big owie. There we go.
Look how much fun they're having
there. Don't you wanna go over and play?
BOTH: No way.
Come on, you don't want your old
man looking like a bonehead, do you?
- Hi, bonehead.
- Hi, bonehead.
All right, it's time for
a little motivation here.
I didn't wanna resort to this...
but if you will go over there
and make some new friends...
I'm willing to give you
some Gummi Bears.
Ah, ah! Not yet.
Not yet, not yet.
You guys go over there
and make some new friends.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS]
Hold on, hold on.
All right, it's Mom. It's Mom.
Come on, here we
go. Come on, guys.
Here we go. Follow the
Gummi Bears. That's it.
Okay, it's time to
play WrestleMania.
- Everybody jump on
Uncle Jojo. JOEY: Oh, no.
JESSE: Right there. Right
there. JOEY: There you go.
- Oh, cut it out.
JESSE: That's it, boys.
Socialize, socialize. Very good.
JOEY: Oh, right,
well, I don't want any.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Welcome to Uncle Jesse's
House o' Friendly Fun.
Look, they're playing
Jump on Joey.
Haven't played that
since college. Cowabunga!
- So, honey, how's the playgroup going?
- It's going great.
I got them eating
out of my hands.
Uh, you know, Nicky and Alex
are making so many new friends...
I think we're gonna have to rush right
out and get them a Fisher-Price rolodex.
BECKY: Really? JESSE: Mm-hm.
Then how come Nicky and Alex
are over there by themselves?
Hmm?
Look, Jess, we have a problem.
Won't you at least think about going
to this parents of twins support group?
All right. Thinking,
thinking, thinking.
No.
- I hope you didn't sprain anything.
- We don't need any support groups.
Our kids are fine. Know what?
They're tired from glad-handing
all day with their new friends.
All right. You ready to go
back and see your pals, huh?
- Come on, Alex. Wanna go see your friends?
- No.
What about you, Nicky?
Wanna go see your friends?
I don't want to.
- Brother.
- Brother.
[SIGHS]
Beck, we have a problem.
- Brother.
- Brother.
Uh, hi, my name is Jesse
and I'm a parent of twins.
ALL: Hi, Jesse.
[WHISPERS] That's
all you have to say?
"Hi, my name is Jesse and I'm a parent
of twins" is a major breakthrough for me.
You're not gonna tell
them about our problem?
It's none of their business.
I'm sensing a red aura here.
GROUP: Ooh.
What? Who? What?
What aura? What red aura?
Everyone else's aura here is
green, which means open to change...
but your energy is red.
Stop. Go no further.
Your feelings can't get
through the intersection.
What is this, traffic school?
Okay, why don't I tell
everyone about our...
Becky, Becky, Becky, please.
I'm sure there are people here with
problems far more serious than ours.
Not that we have a
problem per se. It's just...
Well, look at this guy.
Now, here's a guy with problems.
Spill it, man. Go
through the intersection.
Let it out. Let it out.
Thank you.
Yesterday, our 15-year-old
twins, Phil and Phyll...
Spelled differently.
They cut school, went down
the Fisherman's Wharf...
put on lobster suits and
started pinching all the tourists.
Lobster suits. And
this guy's got problems.
- We're there for you, man.
- Thank you.
When did you first
notice something wrong?
- Uh, when they were about 3, yes.
- Three.
They wouldn't play with the other kids.
They were always off by themselves.
Boy, I wish we had a
group like this back then.
Maybe today, my Phils wouldn't
be dressed up like crustaceans.
Hold on a second.
Now, back up a little bit.
You say when they were 3, they
wouldn't play with anyone else?
I tried. We tried everything.
We took them to
all the playgroups.
We even tried to bribe them with
candy. Worst thing we could have done.
The more we pushed them,
the more they clung to each other.
Well, this is terrible. You
gotta do something, Seth.
Say something.
Help us. Help him.
Help him?
[SIGHS]
All right. Green light, green
light, green light. Help me.
It's too late for him,
his kids are lobsters.
- No offense, man.
- None taken.
Okay.
Look, you see, what
Jesse means is...
Well, we're having the
same problem with our twins.
Oh, I mean they're not lobsters yet.
They're more like little hermit crabs.
But the point is they don't like
socializing with anyone but each other.
This is a very common
problem for twins.
On the one hand, they always
have someone to play with...
so there's no
pressure to socialize.
But on the other hand, it's good
to give them individual attention.
Interests. Names.
- Told you, Phil.
- Shut up, Phyllis.
Your twins don't have
to do everything together.
If one of them likes science
and one of them likes music...
take one to the museum
and one to see Cats.
Oh, yeah. I see
what you're saying.
So let them go out
and do their own thing.
That way, they'll meet other kids
that like to do what they like to do.
- Very insightful, Jess.
- Well...
- Yes. Very good, Jessie.
- Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, well, insight's
always been a forte of mine.
We have a little tradition here
when someone has a breakthrough.
Oh, yeah, Seth? Check this out.
My first night, I'm
already getting an award.
SETH: Jess?
- Yes?
You get to wear the
green aura fedora.
PHIL: Yeah, Jessie!
[GROUP APPLAUDING]
Steph, that's my new blouse.
I know. Don't you think the
color brings out my eyes?
Oh, I'll bring out your eyes.
And I'll bring
out your ticket...
which will bring out that vein in
Dad's head when he starts screaming.
[MICHELLE HUMMING]
Michelle, why are you
wearing my sweater?
Because I can.
That's it. You guys are
taking this way too far.
Fine. Why don't you tell Dad?
Tell Dad what?
Tell Dad how great the
girls look in my clothes.
Oh, yeah.
You know what would
look great with this blouse?
A new pair of socks.
New socks?
I think new socks
will be just the ticket.
Fine. I want you guys to
get everything you deserve.
This is wonderful, to see my daughters
getting along with each other like this.
Showing each other
love and respect.
It's nice to see that my dad talk the
other morning had this much impact on you.
My dad talks never have
this much impact on you.
What's going on in here?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Huh.
You know, when sisters
say there's nothing going on...
it usually means that
they're hiding something.
Now, D.J.'s been acting
extra generous lately.
Why?
And Stephanie and Michelle,
they've been acting extra greedy lately.
Why?
You know, it can
only mean one thing.
I did it. I used your toothbrush
to brush Comet's teeth.
Ew.
Okay, it can only mean two things,
but we're gonna talk about that one later.
Dad, call off the
investigation. I got a ticket.
Now, it wasn't a
speeding ticket or anything.
Kimmy was airing out her socks
and her feet obstructed my vision.
You know, I thought
the car smelled funny.
I thought you just hit a
muskrat or something.
- D.J., why didn't you tell me?
- I'm sorry, Dad.
I was afraid that you'd get mad at me
and never let me use your car again.
Huh.
I don't suppose somebody
found out about all this...
and used this information to
enhance their own wardrobe?
That's you, right, Steph?
That's both of us.
- I'm sorry, Deej.
- Me too.
I'll tell you how we're
gonna deal with this.
For the next two weekends, all right?
D.J., the only time you can use my car...
is to take Michelle and Stephanie
anywhere they wanna go.
- Dad, that's not fair.
- I think it's extremely fair.
When you... You're just
gonna love this part, then.
For the next two weekends, Steph,
you and Michelle are grounded.
Grounded?
But then, D.J. can't
take us anyplace.
You see, that's the fair part.
- What does the elephant say?
- He's chasing him.
- He's chasing him?
- Hey, guys.
BECKY: Chasing him? Why?
- How was the zoo?
Oh, it was great. Nicky
really loves animals.
You know what? He made
a new friend named Stewart.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Nick, tell Daddy what Stewart said.
"Camels stink."
Well, I don't want him hanging
around Stewart anymore.
- How was the park?
- Oh, it was a blast.
He played with a bunch
of other little Baby Ruths.
- Tell Mommy what you hit.
- Dad's head.
Yeah. Felt like a home run too.
You guys had fun today.
You did your separate
things, made some new friends.
Now, go ahead and
get reacquainted.
- Let's go, brother.
- Okay.
[GIGGLING]
Well, honey, you gotta admit...
that support group had
some pretty good ideas.
- Well, except for the hat.
- Yeah.
Well, I will say this one
thing. They do validate you.
Oh, validate?
Jess, you're really getting
into the psychology lingo.
I meant the parking.
You're right, it was good
we went to the group.
And the truth is that I
think they really helped us.
Honey, just clear something up for
me. If you knew that we had a problem...
why did you have such
a hard time admitting it?
I don't know, Beck.
Maybe I was afraid of what
I might found out, that's all.
- Like what?
- Like I'm doing something wrong.
Like this whole
thing is my fault.
Like I'm messing up
my kids' life. I just...
Well, I guess I just
didn't wanna face it.
Oh, sweetie, everybody makes
mistakes and no parent is perfect.
But if you deny that you have a
problem and you don't ask for help...
well, the next thing you know, your
kids are dressing up in lobster suits.
Let me tell you something. I
learned something very valuable.
From now on, if I need help, I'm
not gonna be afraid to ask for it.
You know, you're kind of
sexy when you're vulnerable.
- Help. My lips, help.
Help. BECKY: Right here?
Yeah, right here... There, it's
a... I have a little... Hey. Hey.
As to which I must
say, have mercy.