Boy, Mommy's
gonna love your, uh...
Your... Your woodblock macaroni
Christmas paperweights you made her.
She's really gonna love them because
you're gonna wrap them yourself.
Here's a little wrapping
paper for you, son.
Wrapping paper for you.
Okay, ready,
gentlemen? Let's wrap.
And so I'll put this up.
You guys need tape?
There's a little tape for you.
There you go. And
we put the bow on.
And:
Bada-bing!
Ba-bing!
Ba-bing!
Oh, yeah, these are nice.
- I made that.
- Yes, I know, it's so nice.
It's... It has that casual,
raw, run-over look.
- Here, Daddy.
- Hey.
Here, Daddy.
BOTH: Merry Christmas.
- Danny, I really have to go.
- Last kiss.
One more last kiss.
I really can't miss my plane to London. I
have that interview with Prince Charles.
Well, why don't you interview
me? I'm from a royal family.
It's true, my Uncle Leo, he
was the Muffler King of San Jose.
I really gotta go. I will
see you next weekend.
Hey, Danny, Vicky left, huh?
Yeah.
Joey, it's k*lling me.
I can't keep living from
visit to visit like this.
You know what, Joe?
It's time to finally settle down
and start our lives together.
Well, thanks for the offer, Danny, but
I'd really like to explore other options.
I'm serious.
Vicky and I, we've been engaged for
six months already. You know what?
I'm gonna sit her down next weekend and
we're finally gonna set our wedding date.
I'm happy for you, pal.
You know, you two really
are the perfect couple.
Yeah, I guess we are.
We have a lot in common.
We're both right-handed.
We both have brown eyes.
We both prefer Greg Brady
before he had his hair permed.
So I'll bet if a TV station wanted
to test out a new game show...
called The Perfect Couple
with me as the host...
that you two would
be perfect contestants.
Yeah, I guess we probably would.
And I have a feeling
we probably are.
Thank you so much, Danny.
I knew I could count on you.
D.J. and Steve agreed
to be the dating couple...
and I'm sure that married couple
would be a snap to find now.
I can't believe that ding-dong
talked us into being contestants...
on that goofy game show.
Yeah, well, we're stuck. You know
what? I think we should practice.
Why? They're just gonna ask some questions
to see how well we know each other.
Becky, I'm a very
complex person.
There are a lot of facets
about me that you don't know.
- Really? JESSE: Yes.
- Like what?
- Well, like...
What if they ask you:
What does Jesse
want for Christmas?
The Colonel Parker pepper mill
to go with your Elvis spice rack.
Okay, that was an easy one.
What if they ask...? All
right. What if they ask:
What does Jesse eat when he
sneaks down for his midnight snack?
- Chicken.
- You been following me?
Honey, when you get back into
bed, you smell like Colonel Sanders.
You think you know me? You
think you know everything about me?
Sweetheart, you
are totally predictable.
Predictable? You're
saying I'm pred...?
I can't believe you said
that. I'm predictable?
- Jess, where you going?
- If I'm so predictable, you tell me.
You know everything
about me. Where am I going?
To do what you always do when
you're angry. Tune up your Harley.
Wrong.
I'm just gonna go and sit on it.
Hey, where's my perfect woman?
- Hey. STEVE: How are you?
D.J.: Good.
You guys are gonna kick butt
on Joey's game show tonight.
You two are better together
than waffles and mustard.
Yeah, well, just in case,
I'm wearing my lucky ring.
- You have a lucky ring?
- Yeah.
See, my Uncle
Artie gave it to me.
- You have an Uncle Artie?
- Yeah, of course I do.
He's the guy who
taught me how to juggle.
You juggle?
Yeah, here, look.
Here, check it out.
Okay.
- That's amazing.
- Oh, yeah?
You should see me
with canned hams.
What's amazing is I never realized
how little we know about each other.
I mean, Steve, think about it.
What's our
relationship based on?
You're cute. He's got a car.
What's the problem?
Deej, we love each other.
What else do we have to know?
Everything.
I mean, who are you?
STEPH: Okay, kiddies.
Tonight, I'm not your sister...
I'm not your cousin...
I'm your babysitter.
Now, I think you'll
find me tough but fair.
Do we understand each other?
I don't think so.
- You want me to talk
to them? STEPH: No.
I think I've made
myself perfectly clear.
I'm in charge and you're not.
Okay, Alex, let's
get your pajamas on.
Forget it.
Okay. Nicky.
Let's get your pajamas on.
I don't wear that.
Who's in charge now?
Nicholas, get back here.
This should be a fun night.
MAN: Places. Everybody
on the set, please.
Come on, Deej, how can you
say we don't know each other?
I told you my deepest,
darkest secret.
Steve, a lot of
guys watch Oprah.
- Sweetheart, do you want a glass of water?
- No, thank you.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
I know how dry your throat
gets when you get a little nervous.
Oh, that's right, I'm so predictable,
right? You know that my throat...
My throat... Water, please.
Danny. Danny Tanner.
I'm Buddy Star, producer
of The Perfect Couple.
- Pleasure.
- Yeah.
Listen, your fiancée Vicky
called, said she'll be a little late.
- Really?
- I want you to meet your new fiancée.
This is my assistant, Estelle.
And I won't get
you coffee either.
All right, is everybody ready?
Okay. Now, we're having
fun, we're in love, we're on TV.
Cue the music.
[SINGING] Here they are
See the lovely bride
She's the perfect girl
He's the perfect guy
The perfect couple
The perfect couple
Heart to heart in the U.S. of A.
Hi, folks, welcome to our show.
I'm your host, Joe Stone.
[MOUTHS] Joe Stone?
Tonight, folks, we're
gonna find out...
which one of these dynamic
duos is the perfect couple.
Okay, let's bring
back the guys. Guys?
While you were gone, we
asked the gals some questions...
to find out just how much
they know about you.
What could she
possibly know about me?
I know you're a whiner.
Okay, let's start with
our dating couple.
- Steve, we asked D.J...
- Why bother?
I thought we knew each
other, but we're like strangers.
What? How can you say that? D.J.,
this is starting to get on my nerves.
- Get on your nerves?
- I'm serious.
Come on, you two, don't fight,
you're such a sweet couple.
Cut. Stone, bring those
rented teeth over here.
Listen, I never wanna hear the
expression "sweet couple" again.
Now, the idea of this game
is to embarrass people.
Get them to butt heads.
Okay, let's get back
to D.J. and Steve...
who were about to rip
each other's heads off.
Can we just get
back to the game?
Steve, we asked D.J. what
fish you think she kisses like?
Fish?
I don't know. What, flounder?
Flounder?
Ouch, that is one big,
ugly bottom feeder.
Let's see what D.J. said:
[ON SCREEN] Well, I hope Steve
would say I kiss like an angelfish.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
Oh. Tropical fish are allowed?
Obviously, it's angelfish.
You think I wouldn't say...?
You say I kiss like a flounder?
Looks like this
relationship is floundering.
[MOUTHS] Nice one.
Okay, let's go back to
Mr. Ball and Mrs. Chain.
Jesse and Rebecca.
Okay.
Jesse, we asked Rebecca...
what would you say
is your obsession?
Well, she thinks she
knows me so well...
so she's probably gonna
say my obsession is my hair.
But I'm gonna throw a curve ball
here, because I have a new obsession.
My obsession is proving to
her that I'm totally unpredictable.
- Match that.
- Okay, let's see what Rebecca said.
[ON SCREEN] He's definitely
preoccupied with his hair.
I knew it.
But lately, he's been trying
so hard to be unpredictable...
he's actually become
obsessed with that.
[BEEPING]
JOEY: Ding, ding,
ding! We have a match.
Okay, let's move on
to our engaged couple.
We are not engaged.
Danny, what song
did Estelle say...
you'd most like to
hear at your wedding?
Only Vicky knows our song.
It's "Love Will
Keep Us Together."
Well, let's hear what
Estelle had to say.
Well, he's kind of
high-strung but sensitive...
like Bernie, my third husband.
His favorite song was
"Love Will Keep Us Together."
[BEEPING]
Ding, ding, ding.
sh**t me through the
heart with a bow and arrow.
Folks, we have a match.
Nicky, Alex, when I catch you
guys, you're gonna be in trouble.
Well, well, well, you
finally caught them.
You're enjoying
this, aren't you?
More than the middle
of the Tootsie Pop.
- You think you could do any better?
- Get ready to feel stupid.
Alex, you want your red pajamas?
I like red.
Nicky, you want
your blue pajamas?
I like blue.
You mean, they freaked out just
because I gave them the wrong pajamas?
- Why didn't you tell me?
- Because you're in charge and I'm not.
Michelle, I'm sorry.
I guess you're right.
I do need a little help.
What do you say? Wanna give
me a hand with these twin terrors?
Well, since you asked nicely...
Boys, time for bed.
Attention.
Stomachs in, shoulders back...
fingers out of your nose.
Forward march.
- Hut! Hut! Hut!
NICKY: Hut! Hut! Hut!
Naked on a StairMaster.
What? This is insane.
Well, let's see what Danny said?
I'm in a crowded health club...
and I'm naked on a StairMaster.
[BEEPING]
Oh, ding, ding, ding. Put on some
boxer shorts and mow the lawn.
We have a match.
What are you, a witch?
How could you possibly
know my nightmare?
You're not alone, cupcake.
Okay, it's time to wake
up our old married couple.
Rebecca, we asked Jesse...
I'm sorry, but I've
been having a little
fun teasing Jesse
about being predictable...
but I see that it's really bothering him,
so rather than match his answer again...
I'm just gonna pass.
No, don't pass. Just say
anything, just make something up.
Well, let's hear
what Jesse said.
Let her match this. I pass.
[BEEPING]
JOEY: We have a match.
This is ridiculous, you
know. The magic is gone.
No mystery. You
know me better than I...
- Than you know yourself. I'm sorry, honey.
- See?
- But what's wrong with that?
- I'll tell you what's wrong.
How would you like it if someone
knew your every thought?
You know, your every
need, your every desire.
Actually, it doesn't
sound that bad.
Sweetheart, don't you see?
The reason I know you so well
is because I love you so much.
Oh, I know. I'm sorry,
I've been acting silly.
You know, my whole life, I wanted
someone that knew me this well...
that knew me this intimately,
and I got it. I'm a very lucky guy.
Rebecca, you gonna let
him talk to you that way?
- Butt out, Stone.
- Yeah, Stone.
Did you know I
was gonna do that?
Huh?
Sweetheart, where are we going?
Like you don't know.
Where do you think you're
going? You can't leave.
Come on, hey.
Well...
I guess they're going to
duke it out in the parking lot.
- Okay, let's get back to D.J. and Steve.
- Let's face it.
We're never gonna know each
other as well as Jesse and Rebecca.
Or even Dad and Estelle.
The way I look at it, everything new I
learn about you is like another surprise.
You know, it's like
unwrapping a new present.
It makes every day
feel like Christmas.
Well, Steve is laying it on
pretty darn thick right now.
He's in trouble, folks.
He's not in trouble.
That was really beautiful.
Boy, the fur is really flying.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
Well, darn, we are out of time.
And I guess that
means our perfect couple
with the perfect score
is Estelle and Danny.
[BEEPING]
And for your grand prize...
you two will be spending a fun-filled
romantic weekend in Cabo San Lucas.
Well, folks, that's our show.
I'm Joe Stone saying:
May all your
couplings be perfect.
Good show, everybody.
Not bad, Stone.
If you're that vicious with your family,
think what you could do with strangers.
Well, I am thinking
about it and I can't
spend the rest of my
life humiliating people.
I'm turning in my teeth.
Hey, pal, the hair stays too.
Danny, I know I'm late. I'm
sorry, I'm sorry. What did I miss?
Oh, not much. Estelle and
I just won a trip to Cabo.
We'll send you a postcard.
- Who is that?
- One half of the perfect couple.
Vicky, where were you?
I know you're angry, but when you
hear where I was, you're gonna be happy.
I was in a meeting with
the head of the network.
Danny, I'm gonna anchor
the network news in New York.
New York?
The Big Apple New York?
Can't-catch-a-cab-in-the-rain New York?
Yes, yes. And I don't need
a cab because I get a driver.
That's great.
But what's gonna happen to us?
Well, nothing. I'll just be based
in New York instead of Chicago.
Things will be exactly the same.
I don't want things to be
exactly the same between us.
I want things to get
better and closer...
not farther and worser.
Vicky, I wanted to sit down
with you this weekend...
and finally set
our wedding date.
When are we gonna
start our life together?
Well, this does
complicate things.
I guess we'll just have
to wait a little longer.
I... I can't do that.
It hurts too much
being apart all the time.
I know, it hurts me too.
I just don't see any other way for us. I
mean, unless you move to New York.
You know I can't do that.
I mean, I can't
uproot my family.
If it was just me, I'd
be there in a second.
But everything that's
important to me...
is right here in San Francisco.
Except you.
Oh, Danny, you're
very important to me too.
But I can't turn down this job. I've
always wanted to be a network anchor.
I mean, when I was a little girl, I
played with a Barbara Walters doll.
I know how you feel.
I had a Hugh Downs lunchbox.
Well, I can't ask you
to give up your dream.
So I guess I'm gonna
have to give up mine.
Are you saying that it's over?
Yeah, I guess I am.
I do love you.
I love you too.
I guess that's
not enough, is it?
I guess not.
How you doing, Dad?
Well, I'd love to
tell you that I'm fine.
I'd love to tell you that the
Giants won the World Series...
and we've seen our
last Rocky movie.
Truth is, girls, I'm miserable.
Will a tuna melt
make you feel better?
Normally, that's my
idea of a happy meal...
but I don't have much
of an appetite right now.
We understand, Dad.
We're gonna miss Vicky too.
I know.
I just thought I finally
found somebody
that I could spend
the rest of my life with.
Dad, what could you do?
You and Vicky just
wanted different things.
Yeah.
I don't know, I
had this fantasy.
I was hoping that Vicky
and I could settle down...
and you girls could
finally have a mom again.
Well, if you haven't noticed, I think
we're doing pretty great the way we are.
Yeah, at least
we got each other.
Did that cheer you up?
You better believe it, sweetie.
Come here.
Thank you, girls.
Dad, if you don't
want this tuna melt...
No, I'd split it with you. It's not
a problem. I'm getting hungry.
Here you go.
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]