Nicky, Alex, what are you doing?
It's a fort.
Oh, it's a fort, huh?
Well, I see you used every cushion
and pillow in the house to make this fort.
I didn't do it.
Boys, it's not
nice to tell a fib.
It's true, Mama.
I'm sorry, guys, but you
brought these pillows down...
and you're gonna have to bring
them back. Let's go. Help Mama.
[IMITATING JOHN WAYNE]
Well, there goes another fort...
torn down by somebody's mommy.
BECKY: Get him. Get Joey.
Get him.
Okay, Joey, here we go.
Come at me with this banana.
Danny, I know you're into
this self-defense class...
but I highly doubt that you're gonna
get att*cked by some crazed fruit vendor.
Come on, I gotta practice
my disarm-and-disable move.
Oh, all right, okay, here. Okay.
[JOEY CLEARS THROAT]
[BOTH IMITATING KUNG FU NOISES]
I think I better
work on that move.
[KNOCKS]
JESSE: Hey, can I
get a little help here?
Hey, girls. Uncle
Jesse's back from Greece.
ALL: Hey.
- Nice outfit.
- Nice luggage.
JOEY: Hey, hey.
- Hey, Joe, I missed you, guys.
- Uncle Jesse!
- Hi.
JESSE: Hey, girls.
- Hi.
- I missed you. STEPH:
Hey, we missed you. Mwah.
How did it go at
Papouli's funeral?
You know what, it
was really beautiful.
In a way, it was like a
celebration of his life.
It was really nice.
It's nice you went back for it.
g*ng, on a happier note, I brought
a surprise back from the old country...
- that you guys are gonna love.
- A pony?
No, Michelle. A
pony's a bit difficult...
to store in the
overhead compartment.
No, no, no. You guys
are gonna love this.
Stavros.
Surprise.
Everybody, this is the surprise.
This is my cousin,
Stavros, from Greece.
I hope you didn't have to fit
in the overhead compartment.
Oh, such handsome, beautiful family.
Now, it's time to play Hug the Cousin.
STAVROS: Ohh...
- Hello. STAVROS: Hello.
[STAVROS SPEAKING IN GREEK]
Uncle Jesse, Cousin
Stavros looks a lot like you.
Yeah, you guys
are definitely related.
STAVROS: Oh.
You think so, huh?
Handsome boy but
this nose of Greek god.
That's a nose of cockapoo.
Well, enough laughter.
I must get to seedy hotel
in bad part of town. Bye-bye.
Yeah, you know what?
Stavros, absolutely not.
We would be honored if you
would stay here and be our guest.
Oh, Dan. Now I must
give big kiss on forehead.
Know what? Maybe a nice
handshake in the hallway.
No, no, no. Mwah.
Blond man.
BECKY: Boys, Daddy's home.
Daddy! Daddy!
Hello, kiddy.
Hey, all right. Guys,
I'm Daddy over here.
Sorry, mister.
BECKY: There's Daddy.
- Come here.
- Oh, I missed you. Give me a
kiss. BECKY: Give Daddy a big hug.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
Such beautiful twin boys.
Now I know where they get
good looks, from beautiful mother.
Thank you. Who are you?
Oh. Honey, Becky, boys, this is
your cousin Stavros, from Greece.
He's in town for a few days.
Oh, this is Stavros. Jesse
has told me about you.
Yeah, I spent the summer in Greece
and Stavros treated me like a brother.
And you taught him
about the birds and bees.
Well, actually, it was
goats and weasels.
Goats and weasels?
That explains a lot.
DANNY: Hey. JOEY: Hey, you guys.
Hey, so where did you
take Stavros sight-seeing?
Golden Gate Bridge?
Fisherman's Wharf?
The racetrack.
You took Stavros
to the racetrack?
No, he took us.
Stavros took you to the track?
Track is very educational.
[BURPS]
Tell Papa what you learned.
Don't bet your tooth-fairy
money on a long sh*t.
STAVROS: Thanks
for use of car, Dan.
I parked right in great spot.
Right in front little rocket
ship where dogs go peepee.
Rocket ship? Where
dogs go peepee.
Fire hydrant, fire hydrant.
Do me a favor. Don't
put that back in the fridge.
Dan...
- You play some form of card game here?
- Yeah, it's called gin. Do you play?
Oh, I'm a... I'm...
I'm not very good.
[IMITATING W.C. FIELDS]
Well, then sit down...
my well-coifed
foreign friend, sit down.
Come on, Diamond Joe. One more.
Nothing or double.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Stavros,
I'll pass. I already owe you $46.
- And I've only got 20 bucks.
- It's okay. Friendly game.
I'll take watch.
Nice doing business
with you. Mwah.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That's for me. I'll get.
Hey, who ordered pizza?
I ordered for everybody.
D.J.: Oh, great.
STEVE: Really cool.
- That will be 20 bucks.
- I will get it.
D.J.: Thanks. KIMMY: Thanks.
Hey, uh, Stavros. Don't
you owe that guy 20 bucks?
Oh, I only have drachmas. D.J.,
be gemstone and pick this one up.
Oh. Uh...
Well, that cleans me
out. Anyone got a tip?
KIMMY: Here's a tip:
If you tickle me with
a feather duster...
I purr like Catwoman.
D.J.: Thanks. Bye.
Now, look, kiddies, look.
D.J.: Oh!
It smells like something
crawled in there and d*ed.
They should have delivered
that thing in a lead box.
It's double feta
cheese and lamb guts.
Enjoy.
- Uh, Deej, we'd love to stay, but, um...
- But I'm gonna hurl.
BECKY: Hey, you
guys. Hi. KIMMY: Hi.
Whoo! That was a great workout.
That is hot.
Excuse me?
I mean the cheese, it's hot.
It's dang near bubbling.
Really? Well, uh, don't
burn the roof of your mouth.
Beautiful.
Well, it's just a carrot.
Anyone tell you you hold
vegetables like Greek goddess?
Not recently.
STAVROS: Mmm.
And you smell popping fresh.
Well, I was just at the gym
and I rubbed on some Bengay.
This Ben, lucky guy.
Hey!
Sorry. You smell so
good, I just can't control.
Bad nose. Bad nose.
Stavros, you keep your
nose out of my business.
Sorry. I will spank nose.
He has mind of its own.
Bad nose. Bad, bad nose.
Bad nose.
JOEY: Hey, look, g*ng, pizza.
[STEPH GROANS]
When did they start using
dirty laundry as a topping?
At least there's one
happy customer.
[COMET GROWLS]
Or not.
[COMET WHIMPERING]
Guys, I am not a happy
camper. Look at this.
I got a parking ticket for
parking next to a fire hydrant.
Stavros just cost me 65 bucks.
Yeah, well, he cost me
20 bucks and my watch.
Wait, he had 20 bucks?
He cost me 20 bucks
for that hot goat on dough.
Yeah, he hustles
more than just money.
When I was in the kitchen
with him, he tried to hit on me.
Wow, Stavros is a sleaze bag.
Well, you know, he does
have one good quality.
He's leaving Thursday at 9:18.
I think maybe we should, you know,
try to hang in there until then, okay?
Hey, guys. Glad you're all here.
What do you think of
Stavros? Isn't he a great guy?
JOEY: Oh, yeah.
D.J.: He's been really...
Yeah, it's a shame he
has to leave so soon.
Thursday, 9:18.
Well, I don't know,
guys. I have great news.
Now, get this, because Stavros loves
America and all you guys so much...
he's thinking about moving here.
I figured since
everyone gets along...
I've asked him to stay and
live with us until he gets settled.
What do you think?
Uh, Jess...
I don't know if Stavros
staying here is a good idea.
Danny, it's okay. You know
what, I know what your concern is.
Stavros used your razor to shave
his chest, but I'll talk to him about it.
No, that's not
it... He did what?
Jess, the guy's a con man.
He's been hustling us
ever since he got here.
Con man?
I can't believe what you
guys are saying here.
Now, when I was a
stranger in Stavros' country...
he treated me like a brother.
He's family. You insult
Stavros, you insult me.
Listen, Jess, Stavros made a pass
at me. I had to hit him with a carrot.
It's okay, he told me about it.
It's all a big misunderstanding.
He's Greek. You know how Greeks
are, they're passionate, physical.
He didn't mean anything by it.
Stavros, where are you going?
Back home to Greece.
Well, have a nice trip.
JOEY: Yeah. Bye. STEPH:
Have a nice trip, yeah.
D.J.: Bye. See you later.
Stavros, you can't leave yet.
Oh, sorry, Jesse, just
spoke to relatives back home.
Huge disaster.
Village of Polopolis is no more.
Homes destroyed,
everybody homeless.
Major mudslide plopped
on Polopolis. Pfft!
DANNY: Oh, man. D.J.: Oh, sorry.
That's terrible.
Anything we can do?
I don't know. Now
I must go home.
But first, I must give
back all things I took.
Watch.
Money.
And apologize to pretty
lady for poor manners.
Maybe mudslide is punishment
because of bad behavior.
I'm sorry.
We're sorry too.
What can we do to help you?
Eh...
I don't know. If only
some way to raise funds.
How about a fundraiser?
- Why I no think of that?
- That's a great idea.
You know what, we
can use the Smash Club.
Hey, we had a dance-a-thon at
our school for the children's hospital...
volunteers would dance and people
would sponsor. We made a fortune.
I volunteer to dance
as long as I have to.
I volunteer too.
Even if I have to stay
up way past my bedtime.
[GREEK MUSIC PLAYING]
Opa!
Hey, hey.
Excellent. Ladies and gentlemen,
we have now danced for one hour.
Congratulations. Now, we
still need more dancers, okay?
So if you wanna dance, come
on up here, get a number...
put it on your back, go out in the
dance floor and shake your moussaka.
If you wanna dance, sponsor a dancer,
sign up here with my lovely wife, Rebecca.
I'll tell you, there's no way they
get me out there to dance till I drop.
You said it.
- Hi, guys.
- You wanna dance?
Until we drop.
I'm exhausted.
I don't know how
much longer I can go on.
Really? I could dance all night.
Okay. Dance-a-thon over.
WOMAN 1: All right.
Whoo! WOMAN 2: Yeah.
Time to put money
where my hand is.
Get out the money, come on.
Dig in pockets.
More, more, come on.
What's this?
A plane ticket.
Deej, look.
Stavros is flying to
Orlando, Florida tonight.
BECKY: Hey, girls.
- You might be interested in this.
Stavros is flying
to Orlando tonight.
Oh, no.
I bet this whole mudslide thing
is just another one of his scams.
He's gonna be cruising
the Magic Kingdom...
trying to get Tinker
Bell's phone number.
We better tell Uncle Jesse.
Oh, you know how Uncle
Jesse feels about Stavros, Steph.
He's not gonna believe us.
We're gonna have to prove it.
And you know what? I think I
have a way to do it. Come here.
[KNOCKS]
It's open.
Michelle said you
wanted to see me alone.
Oh, yes. I'll be frank.
Can I still be Stavros?
Whatever turns you on.
Stavros, I know I haven't known
you that long but I have the...
The hots for my bonbon?
Well, I wasn't gonna put it
exactly like that but yes, yes.
I don't know if you know this...
but I couldn't take
my eyes off of you...
while you ate SpaghettiO's
with your fingers.
Spoons are for wimps.
Now kiss me, Yankee
Doodle doll face.
BECKY: I will...
but first, I'd like to
ask you a question.
How would like to run away with
me someplace warm and romantic?
The kind of place you wanna go
after you've won the Super Bowl?
This is fate with
big F and little "-ate."
I'm going to Florida tonight.
Let's paint town with roller.
- Really?
- Mm.
What about this benefit and
all the money we're raising?
Becky, this whole thing is
fake as three-drachma bill.
Now kiss me before my
breath spray wears off.
Um, I would, but I have a feeling
we're gonna be interrupted any second.
[KNOCKS]
Did I call that or what?
How come you're not
Jesse in a jealous rage?
Maybe because
we couldn't hear you.
- I should probably turn the microphone on.
- Probably.
Stavros, your loafer's untied.
Ohh... Ha-ha-ha-ha.
You make joke with Stavros.
Now we kiss.
Yes, we kiss.
But first, do you know what
would really, really drive me wild?
Painting sad clowns
on my toenails?
Well, yes, certainly.
But first, I would
really love it...
if you would, uh, tell me
your whole brilliant plan...
one more time.
Oh, so that's what
floats your tuna boat.
STAVROS: First of all,
there was no mudslide.
BECKY: Really,
Stavros? Oh, tell me more.
Louder.
STAVROS: We
sneak off to Florida.
Why you sticking
flowers in my face?
So everyone can hear you.
A microphone.
Does this mean you
do not wanna go?
Give me this. Jess.
BECKY: If you're
listening, here he comes.
DANNY: Hold it.
[IMITATING KUNG FU NOISES]
WOMAN 1: He's getting away.
- Get him, Uncle Jesse.
WOMAN 2: Get him.
I got him, Jess.
All right, guys, let him go.
Stavros, how could
you do this to me?
To my family. I
trusted you, man.
I looked up to you.
Look at you.
All I'm hearing in Greece
is about Jesse in America.
How wonderful job is.
Beautiful wife, perfect family.
All right, maybe I do have all
that. But I didn't get it by stealing.
I worked for it. Maybe that's
something you should try.
I did try. I worked
very, very hard.
Worst day of my life.
You hurt me, Stavros.
You may be family
but you're out of here.
I'm sorry, guys.
It's okay, Jess.
Come on, Stavros,
you got a plane to catch.
Thursday, 9:18. Be there.
Let's go.
[CROWD MURMURING]
I'm sorry. I should've listened.
Everybody, I'm gonna make
sure you get your money back.
Or you could give it to a really good
cause. Like the children's hospital.
That's a good idea, Deej.
What do you say? Can we do that?
JOEY: Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry, Beck, I should've
listened to you about Stavros.
Well, when you care about someone,
sometimes it's hard to see the truth.
Forgive me?
I'll take that as a yes.
What are you looking
at? This is not a free show.
Come on, now, dance. Music.
[GREEK MUSIC PLAYING]
JESSE: Opa!
Opa!