05x03 - Jethro Takes Love Lessons

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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05x03 - Jethro Takes Love Lessons

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was sh**ting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is ♪
Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

Jed. Jed! Come! Come quick!

- Hurry! Hurry!
- What's the matter, Granny?

Something's awful
the matter with Jethro.

I baked him his favorite cake
and he's barely touched it. Look.

Oh, I'd say he's touched it.

Jed, this is a pecan
twirl with kumquat icing.

On his last birthday, Jethro ate
one of these in two minutes flat,

candles an' all.

And they was still burning.

Granny, I wouldn't get excited
about it. There must be some reason...

Paw! Paw! Better
come see to Jethro.

He's out by the cement
pond spouting love poems.

Well, you see, Granny,
that explains the cake.

The boy's got hisself a sweetie.
Now, there's no call to get excited.

But, Paw, you ain't
seen who his sweetie is.

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and
breadth and height my soul can reach.

- Jethro.
- Oh, yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Ain't nothing wrong
with a boy liking his dogs,

but don't you think he might
rather have a nice bone?

Oh, that's my girlfriend, Susie.

Maybe you and me
better have that long talk.

No, that ain't Susie. I'm just
practicing what I'm gonna say to Susie.

Oh, you got yourself
a girlfriend, huh?

Yeah, we's gonna be married,
live in a vine-covered cottage

and have scads of kids
and live happy ever after.

If I can work out
just one problem.

- What's that?
- She hates me.

Well, that is a problem.

But she's got everything, a
beautiful face, a great figure.

Works at a drive-in restaurant.

Boy, when she comes at me with a
plate of hamburgers and French fries,

my heart just goes to
b*ating like a hammer.

Uh-huh.

When she gets near and I see them
little dabs of ketchup on her apron

and smell that pickle
relish on her fingers,

it near drives me mad.

Well, I reckon there's
all kinds of love.

Oh, it's the real thing, Uncle
Jed. I can feel it right here.

You sure that ain't indigestion?

Heck no. But you gotta give
me some advice on courting.

I must have ate 300
hamburgers in the last week

and she ain't even
give me a smile.

Well, boy, I'd
sure like to help,

but it's been a long while since
I've fished in them kind of waters

and times have changed.

What do you mean?

Well, I always say if you wanna
know what kind of bait they're biting on,

ask the fella that's
catching his limit.

Uncle Jed, I don't think you and
me is talking about the same thing.

I mean you ought to ask
a ladies' man for advice.

Well, I don't know none.

Lessen there's Dash Riprock
or them other movie stars.

- Now you got yourself a idea.
- You mean Dash?

He got hisself a string-full.

Yeah. I'll get old Dash
to give me some pointers.

Hot dog!

I'll be the smoothest, slickest,
sophisticated Casanova

this town has ever seen.

- Yee-ha!
- Watch out for the...

[WATER SPLASHING]

Reckon old Dash has
got his work cut out for him.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, Lorraine.

Of course I remember you.

Now, don't say that, darling.

How could I forget
that night at... Ciro's?

You were wearing a
beautiful blue dress with pearls.

I remember we talked about...

your mother's trip to Omaha?

I haven't stopped thinking of
that evening for one moment.

Of course I have
time to see you.

How about, uh... Friday evening?

Eightish all right?

I know your address, darling.

Bye.

[MUSICAL DOORBELL]

Ah, joy.

Come in, beautiful.

Thank you, Dash. You
look pretty good yourself.

Jethro, I forgot
you were coming.

Hot dog! Look at this place!

Never mind, Jethro. Let's
get right down to business.

I... I'm expecting a friend. We
can talk while I'm getting ready.

Now, you say you wanna learn
how to make a hit with this girl.

Oh, no, sir, I wanna marry her.

Well, the first thing you've
gotta do is get a date.

You know how to ask for one?

Well, how about, "Hey, let's
you and me go out spooning."

Oh, no, no, Jethro.
There's a better way.

Try something like...

"Let's make this our
evening to remember."

I see. Let me try.

Let's make this our
evening to remember.

How about that, huh? [GIGGLES]

Jethro, I was
putting on cologne.

Boy, you sure do smell good.

Jethro, I don't think I'm the
kind of teacher you need.

Oh, come on, Dash. Why,
you don't have to teach me.

Just show me how
you'd court a girl.

Well, all right.

We'd probably start with
a candlelight dinner for two

and a little romantic
atmosphere.

Drapes closed.

- Soft music.
- [CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Yeah.

Flames lit.

Hot dog! Is that the way you
cook the candlelight dinner for two?

No.

Then we'd sit on the sofa,

I'd put my arm around
her, turn to her and say...

Hey, wait, wait. Don't
tell me. I know this part.

You say, "How do I love
thee? Let me cipher the ways."

"I love thee to the depth and
breadth and height my soul can reach."

[KNOCKING]

Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.
Come in. Good to see you.

Mr. Clampett, I have
most distressing news.

Jethro just called to tell us that he's
purchasing a flashy new convertible.

I know, I told him to call you

in case there was any
papers needed signing.

But did you know he's taking
love lessons from Dash Riprock?

Yes, ma'am.

But, Mr. Clampett, Dash Riprock is
a notorious rake, roué and libertine.

Before you know it,
Jethro will be just like him.

Well, that's a lot to hope for, but
the boy does catch onto things fast.

- Hi, Miss Hathaway.
- Oh!

Don't touch me, you fiend.

You may have all the
other women in the world...

but you shall never have me.

Well, hi there,
Dash. How are you?

Hi, Mr. Clampett.

You know, that Miss
Hathaway is a real ding-a-ling.

Just between us, she's
kind of took with you too.

So you come over to
see Elly May, have you?

Yes, sir. I was hoping she'd like
to go out on a double date with me.

Double date?

Well, I don't hardly think she'd
wanna be sharing you with another girl.

No, sir, double date
with another couple.

Jethro was gonna ask Susie and
he wondered if I'd like to go along.

Oh, well, we's much obliged for
the way you're helping the boy.

Oh, it's my pleasure,
Mr. Clampett.

I hope you don't mind my advising
him to get a nice convertible for dates.

Jethro needs to project an image

of worldliness, savoir
faire, sophistication...

[MUSICAL CAR HORN]

[WOLF-WHISTLE]

Well, here she is, Uncle
Jed. Ain't it a beauty?

I'm going right over
and ask Susie for a date.

You didn't trade the truck
on this thing, did you?

Oh, no, sir. What a deal I made.

75 dollars just as she sets.

I don't believe it.

Heck, all the chrome
stuff on it's worth that.

Sure is a lot of it. What
do you call that color?

Passionate purple.

Look out, Susie, here I come!

[THUDDING, CRASHING]

[CLATTERING]

[CHUCKLES]

Engine fell out.

I can't look at it. 75 dollars.

If you ask me, he
got hornswoggled.

Now, hold on, Granny.

The fella down to the used-car lot told
Jethro the car hadn't been drove much.

Do tell.

He said it was owned by a
little old lady from Pasadena.

- Oh.
- Who only drove it to church on Sunday.

I still say he got slickered.

Well, Granny, don't say nothing.

The boy's just
overpowering proud of it.

[REVS ENGINE]

Jethro, lessen you
get this thing fixed,

you ain't gonna have time
to see Susie about a date.

Elly May fixed it, Uncle Jed. I'm
going right over and ask Susie now.

- You know what to say, do you?
- Yeah, Dash told me.

Got it all wrote
down right here.

[REVS ENGINE]

Listen to her purr.

[WOLF-WHISTLE]

Well, it ain't gonna
purr long without these.

[MUSICAL CAR HORN]

[BELL RINGS]

[WOLF-WHISTLE]

Hey, Susie. It's me, Jethro.

Oh, it's you.

- Notice anything different about me?
- Yeah, you're not eating.

No, I mean my new
car. Ain't it something?

Sure, but what?

It's my Hollywood wolf wagon.

Bet you never seen
anything like this before.

No, I've never seen
anything like you before.

Aw, shucks.

Look, I'm busy.
What's your order?

- You.
- Oh, forget it, buster.

You want the usual
six hamburgers or not?

Uh, no. I better check my notes.

Let's make this our
evening to remember.

Go jump in the lake.

I'll be looking forward to it.

That's the last time I'll ever listen
to anything Dash Riprock tells me.

You know Dash
Riprock? The movie star?

Yeah, he's the one you and me was
supposed to double-date with tonight.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We was going to
a drive-in movie.

Jethro, try me again.

Again?

You mean the part about making
this our evening to remember?

I'd love to.

Hot dog! I must have
read my notes wrong.

See you later.

[CAR BRAKES]

Lost my clutch.

[SCREAMING]

Hey, Susie, how
about some popcorn?

Jethro, is this the only
movie you could find?

Here comes the swamp monster.

[CREATURE ROARS]

[MOVIE SOUND CUTS OUT]

What happened to the sound?

I bit through the speaker cord.

Jethro, let's go
get a drink of water.

I already had six orange
drinks, Dash. I ain't thirsty.

I am. Come on.

Jethro, will you forget about food,
start doing some good with Susie?

I'm waiting for the love
scenes, Dash, like you told me.

Love scenes? In this movie?

Yeah. In the end, the swamp
monster falls in love with the giant squid.

Well, don't wait for that.

As soon you can, put
your arms around her

and say some of
the things I told you.

Got you, Dash.

[ROARS]

Susie?

[MUSICAL CAR HORN]

[SPECTATORS COMPLAIN]

[MUSICAL CAR HORN CONTINUES]

[GIGGLES] Dash, can
we get a drink of water?

Boy, I thought I'd never
get them horns to stop.

All right, Jethro.

This time do like I told you and try
not to lean on anything, including Susie.

Right, Dash.

And when we get
back, put the top up.

She may feel self-conscious
in that open car.

[ROARS]

Golly, Dash.

Watching them lizards fighting sure
got everybody here in a mean mood.

What do you mean, Elly?

Well, nobody's watching the
picture no more. They's all rassling.

Jethro's gonna put the top up.

- Yeah, so's you won't feel self...
- So you won't be cold.

- I'm not cold, Dash.
- I'll have it up in a minute.

It's a power top.

[WHIRS]

[WHIRRING CONTINUES]

[SPECTATORS COMPLAIN]

- Come on, Jethro.
- It's stuck.

I'll have it down in a
minute. I'll fix it right now.

Hurry up, Jethro. The
swamp monster's coming back.

I'll have it in a minute.

I hope so.

Dash, can we go get
another drink of water?

Gosh, Dash, things ain't
working out too good.

No kidding. Well, we might
as well get out of this place.

I know a spot up on Mulholland
Drive with a great view.

- Maybe you'll have better luck there.
- Boy, I hope so.

Susie's getting to like the
swamp monster better than me.

[ROARS]

Hey, what do you say
we get out of this place?

- Oh, I'm for that.
- I know a spot up on Mulholland Drive.

Swell.

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

Take it easy.

It's gonna mean
crawling under the car

and getting all greasy and
ruining some good clothes.


But don't you
worry. Elly'll fix it.

Granny, I wish
you'd come inside.

Where are they, Jed?

Well, maybe it was one of them
what you call double features.

Till four in the morning?

Hold on, Granny.
Here they come now.

Boy, your old car sure made
a mess of our double date.

Quit complaining, Elly.
Got us home, didn't it?

Oh, howdy there, Dash.

Morning, Mr. Clampett. Jethro and
Elly make it home all right last night?

- Oh, yeah. What you got there?
- This is Jethro's drive shaft.

I found it on the ground
after they towed him away.

Too bad about last night.

It kind of took the wind
out of the boy's sails.

Really down in the dumps, huh?

If he was any lower, he could
walk under a bench with his hat on.

Well, I'll have a talk with him.

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and
breadth and height my soul can reach.

You reading poetry
to Susie again?

Not Susie. Duke.

- Duke?
- Yeah.

I'm through with women.
Dogs is man's best friend.

Oh, hi, Dash.

I wouldn't give up on
Susie so soon, Jethro.

I think your car was
most of the trouble.

Yeah, well, it ain't
gonna be no more.

Yonder she sets,
squashed into one big hunk.

- That's your car?
- Yes, sir.

I hauled it down to the
junkyard and had 'em bale it.

Well, what did you do that for?

Well, I knew it weren't
no good, Uncle Jed,

but I just couldn't
bear to part with it.

Cheer up, Jethro.

We can still figure out a way
for you to make a hit with Susie.

I don't think so, Dash. I can't
even make a hit with Duke.

You know, when I was
courting, I always done best

when I took the girl out
someplace extra special,

like up to watch the bats fly
out of Carson's Cave at sundown.

Aw, shucks.

I'd do all right, though, if I had a
pad like Dash's to ask a girl up to.

OK, you've got it.

- I do?
- You sure, Dash?

Sure. I got a date with Elly May
tonight. He can have it all evening.

Hot dog! I'll go out
and ask Susie right now.

- Watch out for the...
- [WATER SPLASHING]

Jethro may not be the
smartest date that girl ever has,

but he'll sure be the cleanest.

[KNOCKING]

Come in, beautiful.

Come in, beautiful.

Come in, beautiful.

Hello, Jethro.

Howdy.

I mean come in, beautiful.

This is Dash
Riprock's apartment.

Yeah. Gee, I never thought I'd
get a date with you after last night.

- Neither did I.
- Huh?

Nothing.

Do you think Dash
might show up later on?

Uh-uh. We're all alone.

Oh, well.

Oh, just wait till the girls hear
that I was in Dash's apartment.

[SNIFFS]

What is that smell?

It's cologne.

Picked it out myself.
It's called Kissing Lilacs.

Jethro, that's a
perfume for women.

I know. You're a woman.

That's why I put on a extra lot.

- Would you like a drink?
- Sure.

Ice water or right
out of the tap?

Either.

Well, this is a surprise, Elly. I
thought we'd be going out tonight.

Well, you ain't even had
the surprise yet, Dash.

Close your eyes.

Now, sit down and
let me hold your hand.

Here it comes.

- Taffy.
- Taffy?

Yeah, pull it. Now we's
gonna have some real fun.

Oh, boy.

- [KNOCKING]
- I'll get it, Granny.

Mr. Clampett, I could
stand by no longer.

I must rescue Jethro
from the tainted tutelage

of that despicable Dash Riprock.

- Jethro ain't here, Miss Jane.
- No, he's over to Dash's 'partment.

On-the-job training, I suppose.

Wait until I see Dash.

Dash is in the parlor with Elly.

You left them alone?

Let go, Dash. Let go.

I can't, Elly. I'm stuck on you.

Unhand that child!

[THUDDING]

And now to rescue Jethro.

You know, that Miss
Hathaway is a real ding-a-ling.

She give Dash a clop,
upside of the head.

Remind me not to
invite her to a taffy-pull.

She did appear right
worked up over it.

Are you sure you wouldn't
like to sit on the sofa?

Oh, no, thanks, Jethro. I
really ought to be going now.

It's been a real thrill.
Gee, thanks for everything.

Hey, wait. Don't go.
We can watch TV.

Oh, is there a Dash
Riprock picture on?

- I'll see.
- Oh.

We can watch for a while,

and by then our candlelight
gourmet supper for two'll be ready.

Susie...

[CREATURE ROARS]

Oh, no. No more of that.

Hey, wait.

No, I really have to go,
Jethro. Thanks for everything.

But we ain't had our candlelight
gourmet supper for two yet.

Wait. I'll get it. I cooked
it just special for you.

I know you're gonna like it.

Look. Three dozen hamburgers.

Why, heck fire.

I didn't get a chance to dim
the lights or turn on the music

or light the flames.

[SNIFFS]

It's a shame to waste
all these hamburgers.

I guess I'm gonna just have to
sit down and drown my sorrows.

Jethro!

- I'm here to save you.
- Save me from what?

The influence of Dash Riprock.

Aw, shucks. I didn't get a chance to
use any of the things Dash showed me.

What things?

Oh, lots of stuff. You want
some of these hamburgers?

Show me. What things?

Miss Jane, you're too nice a
girl. I mean, you're not the type...

Jethro, show me.

Well, first you gotta
go sit on the sofa.

Yes. Then what?

Well, then I'm
supposed to sit down

and sneak my hand over
and turn on the music.

- Yes.
- [CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Boy, them hamburgers
sure smell good.

What next?

Then I'm supposed
to dim the lights.

Yes.

Then I'm supposed to say
you're beautiful, then ravishing.

Yes.

- And then I'm supposed to say...
- Jethro, this is maddening.

I know. I can't
stand it no longer.

- Oh, me neither.
- Good. Let's get at them hamburgers.

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

ELLY: This has been a
Filmways presentation.
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