05x04 - The Badger Game

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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05x04 - The Badger Game

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was sh**ting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is ♪
Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

Is the new dasher for
my churn about ready?

Purt near, Granny, but I wish you'd
give up churning when you're mad.

We been getting a lot of
splinters in the butter lately.

Well, you can blame
Jethro for the state I'm in.

I declare, Jed, that boy is
turning into a first-class girl chaser.

Well, I always say, if you're
gonna do something, do it well.

That's it, make a joke of it.

What you ought to do is
take him to the woodshed.

We ain't got a woodshed.

And they call this a mansion.

Well, you ought to do something.
He's run out on his chores again today.

Well, Granny, he's likely just hiding.
All you gotta do is flush him out.

I say he ain't here, and I say
he's where he is every day,

riding up and down Wilshire
Boulevard on that truck,

showing off to the girls.

He ain't showing off today.
I just clipped his wings.

I took the steering wheel.

Mark my words, Jed, that
boy is headed for trouble.

He's on the road to ruination.

- Well, if he is, he's walking.
- Don't say I didn't warn you.

And it's you that give him
the three keys to perdition.

Three keys to perdition?

Fine clothes, fancy car
and 50 cents a week.

And it's you that'll
reap the harvest

when the seeds of temptation
is trampled on by the little foxes,

because as the rod is
spared, so is the twig bent,

and them that dances has got
to pay for casting the first stone.

I don't know what she said, but she
sure could stir up a camp meeting with it.

Boy, driving that thing
without a steering wheel

sure keeps a fella hustling.

I purt near run over
that little old gal.

What little old gal?

The one coming up
the driveway yonder.

- Who is she?
- I don't know.

- Howdy, ma'am.
- Howdy.

- Is this here the Clampett place?
- Yes, ma'am.

I'm Jed Clampett and this
here's my nephew, Jethro Bodine.

Howdy.

Howdy.

I reckon y'all don't
remember me, do you?

Well, you look familiar,
but I just can't place you.

You remember the Fetty family,
lived back over Possum Ridge?

Why, sure. Are you
one of Jake Fetty's girls?

- I'm Emaline.
- Well, bless my soul.

Jethro, you recollect
the Fetty girls?

I sure do. I used to
chuck rocks at them.

- Jethro's growed up a lot since then.
- So's she.

Yeah. Well, come on in. We's
mighty pleasured to see you.

Jethro, where's your
manners? Emaline's tired.

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Granny! Elly May!

[YELLS]

Jethro done got married!

- Put her down.
- I warned you, Jed.

I told you this would
happen if you let him run wild.

- They just met.
- Oh, it's worse than I thought.

How could you marry a stranger?

- We ain't married.
- Oh!

This little girl is from
back home. She just...

- I bet you don't recognize her, do you?
- Who don't?

I never forget a face.

Granny, we ain't seen this
family in some time. They used to...

Now, don't tell me. I'll
get her placed right off.

- Gertrude Sumpmeyer.
- No.

- Essiebelle Gooch.
- No.

Frieda Boggs?

Florence Twitty?

Elsie Hold?

Fannybelle Nickle?

Lilly Hommes?

- Drusilla Childers?
- Granny...

Now, don't tell me. Don't
tell me. I never forget a face.

I'll give you a little hint.
Possum Ridge. Jake and Dora.

Of course. Dora Ridge.

- No.
- Dora Possum?

JED: This is Jake and
Dora Fetty's girl, Emaline.

Why'd you have to
tell me? I'd have got it.

- Welcome, honey.
- Thank you, Granny.

Well, Jethro, let's get Emaline settled
up in the spare room next to Elly May's.

- Yes, sir.
- Speaking of Elly...

Put her down.

I meant take her things
up to the spare room.

Oh, now, wait. I just come
by to make my howdies.

I don't aim to put my
feet under your table.

Hey, lookee here.
A cuckoo clock.

Paw had me fetch this
along to get me up mornings.

He said the hotel
might not have a rooster.

Oh, Emaline, you're home folks.
We can't let you stay in a hotel.

The bus driver said that I might
be able to get into the YWCA.

I wouldn't stay no place that had
to be spelled in mixed company.

You're staying right here.

I sure don't wanna
be any bother.

Won't be no bother at all.

[CHUCKLES] I'll
just water the soup.

- Howdy.
- Elly May, you recognize this girl?

Now, don't waste your time, Jed.
She ain't got my memory for faces.

This is Emaline
Fetty from back home.

- Oh, hi there, Emaline.
- Howdy, Elly.

My goodness, y'all sure
wear short dresses out here.

Oh, this here's what
you call a beach jacket.

Elly, you're showing
your skimpies.

- This is a bathing suit.
- A bathing suit?

I reckon you ain't never seen
nothing like that before, have you?

I sure never.

Back home folks still
takes a bath with nothing on.

Well, Elly May'll
explain it to you.

Elly, suppose you
take Emaline up

and show her that
spare room next to yours

and see she's made comfortable.

Sure will, Paw.
Come on, Emaline.

Later on we'll go swimming
in the cement pond.

Jed, how come Jake
and Dora didn't write us

their daughter was
coming to Californy?

Could be cause they can't write.

Why'd she come?

- Could be 'cause they sent her.
- What for?

Granny, when you got as
many young 'uns as the Fettys,

you don't need too big a
reason for getting shed of one.

[CHUCKLES] They sure
had a houseful, didn't they?

They did for a fact.

If you throwed a rock on their roof,
it'd look like school was letting out.

You mean this whole great
big room is... is just for me?

Well, that's right, Emaline.

Land sakes.

Do I get that bed all to myself?

All to yourself, and you don't
have to share it with no sisters.

Sure is gonna feel
funny sleeping longways.

This here's for your clothes.

It's got cedar drawers in it.

Cedar drawers? Don't you
get splinters wearing those?

These kind of drawers.

Maw made those for
me before I left home.

They still got a
little flour in 'em.

Listen here, Emaline,
I got a whole closet

full of city clothes
that folks has give me.

Why, I'll go and fetch in a mess
of 'em and you can take your pick.

I declare y'all are so good to
me, it's just making my head spin.

I think I better lay
down for a spell.

- What's that thing?
- Oh, that there's a telephone.

Why, you can talk to folks that
lives miles away from here on that.

What'll they think of next?

Well, I'll be back
directly, Emaline.

Bye, Elly.

Colonel? Rita.

OK, I'm in Fort Knox.

Yeah, they fell for it
hook, line and spare room.

Great job of research
on that Fetty family.

I thought they were
something you dreamed up.

Don't worry.

I'll get enough photographs
and tape recordings

to shake Jed Clampett
loose from a cool million.

[LAUGHS]

Granny, I got you a fine
mess of dandelion greens.

Oh, thank you, Jed. Would
you mind rinsing 'em for me?

What else you fixing to have?

Hoecake, sowbelly
and hand-slung chitlins.

Ooh! You do put it on
for company, don't you?

I feel sorry for Emaline, Jed.

Dora Fetty never
set much of a table.

Yeah, as I recollect, that family lived
mostly on hope and hedge apples.

Jed, did it ever strike you that Emaline
was uncommon pretty for a Fetty?

Well, you would have to
call her the pick of the litter.

I declare the rest of 'em
must have took homely pills.

Yeah, you could throw
them Fettys in the crick

and skim ugly for two weeks.

Granny, I hoed your taters,

milked the goat, split the kindling
and whitewashed the chicken roost.

Good boy.

Remember, idle
hands gathers no moss,

and a penny saved is
worth two in the bush.

Yes'm. Thank you.

Uncle Jed, tell me,
is that Emaline Fetty

gonna be staying
with us for a spell?

I don't know yet. Why?

Well, do you aim to let
her go running around

with a slick, sophisticated
Hollywood playboy?

- Not if I can help it.
- Aw, shucks.

You?

Well, she's gonna be
expecting some thrills.

Uh-huh. Well...

Paw, Emaline's just a-pining
and a-honing to go swimming,

but she don't wanna
wear no bathing suit.

What?

Jethro, go put the
steering wheel on the truck.

I already done that.

Then drive it down to the
station and fill it with gas.

Well, I done that too.

Then drive it around till it needs
doing again and then do it again.

- But, Uncle Jed, that...
- Go, boy.

Uncle Jed, it's already got gas.

Elly May, you give Emaline one of
your bathing suits and explain to her...

Well, I done give her one
of my bathing suits, Paw,

but she's scared she won't
like her showing her limbs.

Well, I gotta admit it did jolt me
some when we first come out here,

but seems all the young 'uns
do it, so tell her it's all right.

Well, I did, Paw, but she says she
ain't gonna budge out of her room

until you come up
and tell her it's fitting.

Well, if that's the
way it has to be.

[CUCKOOS]

[CUCKOOS]

[CUCKOOS]

[KNOCKING]

Who is it?

It's me, Jed Clampett.

I just wanna say it's all right for you
to go swimming in your swimming suit.

- See you downstairs.
- Wait a minute. Don't go away.

Oh, Mr. Clampett, it's you.

Yes, ma'am.

Gracious, and I'm standing
here with my bare limbs showing.

Why, I'm so ashamed.

No call for you to feel
ashamed, Emaline.

Things is different out
here than they is back home.

Please let me go to the YWCA.

No, you're staying right here.

Don't do that, Mr. Clampett.

- Don't do what?
- Don't shut the door.

[CUCKOOS]

All right, leave it open.

Oh, Mr. Clampett, I
trust you, honest I do.

You remind me so
much of my daddy.

Well, that's funny. He wasn't
no more than five foot tall.

Yeah. Why, he wouldn't have come
up to any more than about here on you.

[CUCKOOS]

Miss Emaline, I think that
clock of yours is busted.

I think I'll take it
downstairs and fix it.

Don't do that,
Mr. Clampett. It's all right.

But that little bird keeps jumping
out and cuckooing all the time.

Well, maybe it's
the mating season.

Miss Emaline, I think you'd
better forget about swimming

and have yourself a little rest.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You're the nicest
man, Mr. Clampett.

[CUCKOOS]

There it goes again.

[CUCKOOS]

Miss Emaline, I think you and
that clock is both wound up too tight.

Jed?

Jed, what's taking you so long?

Well, it's the mating season.

- For cuckoos.
- What?

Well, you see, that little bird
kept jumping out of the clock

and Miss Emaline said...

Well, never mind. Anyway,
she ain't going swimming.

Oh, yes, I am.

Well, I... I thought you
was all tuckered out.

Not anymore.

I feel like a million dollars.

Colonel? Rita.

Listen, you clown, why didn't you
tell me my father was five feet tall?

No, I covered for it all right.

And I've got some
great films and tape.

OK, I'll meet you at the
camera store at two o'clock.

JETHRO: Emaline, you out here?

I've gotta go. King
Kong is stalking the city.

Hey, what you doing?

Jethro, there's a
bee in this gourd

and it's just a-buzzing
to b*at the band.

- That ain't no gourd.
- Well, it's got a vine on it.

This here is a telephone,
you poor, dumb country girl.

I'm sorry.

Oh, shucks. I didn't
mean to hurt your feelings.

You won't believe this, but four
years ago when we came here,

I was just as big
a hick as you are.

- Oh, go on.
- Yeah, it's the truth.

- I was a regular hayseed.
- You sure have changed.

Yeah, well, I reckon it's
living so close to Hollywood.

Some of that movie star
stuff just rubbed off on me.

Yeah, you're a
regular Paul Newman.

- Well, who's he?
- Oh, he's just a fella.

I sure would like to
get to see Hollywood.

Well, after we have victuals,
I'll drive you into town.

Oh, you'd be ashamed to be seen

with a tacky-looking
old country girl like me.

Heck, you ain't no more
tackier-looking than Elly May.

In fact, you look pretty good,
coming from such a ugly family.

Gonna turn my head
with that kind of sweet talk.

Well, you gotta expect a smooth line
from a sophisticated playboy like me.

Can we get to
town by two o'clock?

Well, I wanna get back
in time for my chores.

Well, I'll check the time.

- Let's see...
- Land sakes. Look at that watch.

You noticed it, huh? My
Uncle Jed give it to me.

- Let me pick it out myself.
- It's a doozy.

See that little mouse with them short
breeches and them yellow gloves?

- Yeah.
- Well, his hands tell the time.

What time is it now?

Uh...

I don't know. One
of the hands fell off.


Excuse me, chief. There's
a Colonel Foxhall to see you.

Has he got an appointment?

No, but he says it
concerns a million dollars.

He's got an appointment.

- Come in, Colonel.
- Thank you, my dear.

Colonel Foxhall?

Colonel Gaylord Merriwether
Foxhall at your service, sir.

My pleasure. Sit down.

Thank you.

Well, I understand this
concerns a million dollars.

Yes, I believe I am conservative

in valuing the contents of this
portmanteau at one million cash.

Miss Hathaway,
bring in a deposit slip.

Oh, but I'm not depositing.
I am withdrawing.

What do you mean, withdrawing?

How can you withdraw if you
haven't got any money in the bank?

Yes, sir, but I believe Mr. Clampett
has a great deal of money in your bank,

and it's a million of his
that I plan to withdraw.

- You a friend of Jed Clampett?
- I never met the gentleman.

Miss Hathaway, what's the idea

of letting this southern
fried phony in my office?

- You said he had an appointment.
- You said he had a million dollars.

Now, throw him out.

Mr. Drysdale, before you
make any rash decisions,

what does this look
like to you, hmm?

Like a wild old man
after a sweet young girl.

Exactly. Would you care
to identify that wild old man?

- It's Jed Clampett.
- Impossible.

It is.

Here are some others
you might care to peruse.

They tell the sordid tale of a
sweet, innocent country girl

who was lured into the mansion
of a Beverly Hills millionaire.

Once inside, this
frightened maiden

pleaded to be allowed
the sanctuary of the YWCA.

But her pleas fell on
deaf and decadent ears.

Now, look, I don't...

Whereupon, as these
pictures so clearly illustrate,

the sanctity of her boudoir

was brazenly invaded by
this backwoods Bluebeard.

Mr. Clampett wouldn't...

But Mr. Clampett did, my dear,

and the scars upon the soul
of this sweet, simple maiden

can be erased only by time,

time and one
million dollars, cash.

This is out-and-out extortion,
the old badger game.

- I'm going to call the police.
- Mr. Drysdale, you do lack imagination.

I believe Mr. Clampett used
to be an officer in your bank.

Well, chief, you did make
him vice president for a day.

So?

So let's look at tomorrow
morning's headlines

DRYSDALE: "Commerce bank
officer in love nest scandal"?

- That's just a dummy newspaper.
- COLONEL: True.

The real one will be
profusely illustrated

by these fascinating
photographs.

Wrong number.

Oh, here you are, Uncle Jed.

Can we have us
that man-to-man talk?

Sure. Sit down.

Well, what you wanna talk about?

Emaline Fetty.

- Can her and me get married?
- Married?

Yeah. You see, she is crazy
mad desperate in love with me.

- This is kind of sudden, ain't it?
- I reckon.

But you gotta remember she's
just a plain, dumb old country girl.

She ain't never seen
nobody like me afore.

- Said so herself.
- And when did all this come about?

When I was driving
her into town and back.

I didn't aim for it to happen.

I tried to keep the lid
clamped down on my charm,

but some must have slopped over.

Uh-huh.

- Now she's crazy mad in love with you?
- Is she ever!

All the way home she
kept trying to get me

to drive to some out-of-the-way
place where we could be alone.

- No fooling.
- Yeah.

Kept asking me to get lost.

Boy, I don't believe
I'd rush into anything.

Uncle Jed, she needs a husband.

That's a awful dumb girl. You know
that cuckoo clock that needed fixing?

- Yeah.
- She took it to a camera store.

You sure you wanna
marry a girl that dumb?

It's all right, Uncle Jed. I'm
smart enough for both of us.

You should have seen her face when
I told her that I graduated sixth grade.

Well, that would carry
weight with a Fetty.

They never was long on learning.

I think it was my ciphering that
really put a match to her heart

and set her flaming with desire.

Ciphered for her, did you?

Uncle Jed, when I got to
the multiplication table of 12,

it like to drove her crazy.

She commenced
moaning, gasping for breath,

and her eyes rolled
back in her head.

Good thing you didn't
cipher no gazintas.

She might have married
you then and there.

I'll go do some
for her right now.

Emaline! Hey, Emaline!

Wait a minute, boy. I was
just... Jethro, come back!

Emaline!

Oh, there you are.

Listen to this. Five
goes into five once.

- Five goes into ten twice.
- Oh, no!

I still say the
Clampetts are innocent

and Emaline is just a Jezebel
recruited by... by... by... this... this...

Help! Help!

Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.

Howdy, Miss Jane.
Jethro, come back here!

Stop chasing her! Put her down!

She don't belong to you yet!

- Oh, yes, she does!
- No, she don't.

Come on in, folks.
Put her down, Jethro!

Shocking. Shocking.

Why, they're fighting
over her like beasts.

I'm not so sure we
should settle for a million.

- What do you think, Granny?
- I like this 'un, Jed.

They're all good pictures. What are
you asking for these, Colonel Foxhole?

Foxhall, sir. I'm asking
one million dollars.

A million dollars?

Well, I ain't bought many pictures,
but that does seem a mite steep.

Mr. Clampett, if you
don't meet his price,

these pictures will appear on the
front page of tomorrow's newspaper.

There's a idea, Granny. Let's wait till
tomorrow and cut em' out of the papers.

Good thinking, Jed.

Excuse me, everybody. I got
a brace of possum in the oven.

I hope you'll stay
to supper, Colonel.

Granny's possum
is finger-licking good.

Mr. Clampett, I find your levity
and jocularity most inappropriate

to the solemn occasion which
has brought us together here.

And I will tolerate no
further sham or delay

while this sweet, innocent girl
suffers the pangs of purloined probity.

Well, doggies.

Put him with Granny and the pair of
them would tear a camp meeting wide open.

What happened to Emaline?

Oh, there you are. Five
goes into fifteen three times.

- Five goes into twenty four...
- Jethro, please.

Drives you wild
too, huh, Miss Jane?

What are these pictures?

- Uncle Jed, you're kissing my girl.
- Jethro.

No wonder you sent me
out of the house this morning.

- You was aiming to steal my sweetie.
- Jethro.

Keep talking, boy. I'm
recording every word.

I'm sorry, Uncle Jed, but we's
gonna have to fight us a duel.

Now, look, boy...

I'll be back quick as I can
find a glove to slap you with.

Mr. Clampett, I urge you to
make some sort of settlement.

Decency demands it, sir. And I
say to you if satisfaction is not...

Now, Colonel, come down off your
stump. I aim to do the right thing.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Miss Emaline and
me'll be married right off.

BOTH: Married?

The code of the
hills demands it.

I done seen her in her
skimpies and flimsies.

We'll leave for Bug Tussle tonight
and honeymoon in Snider's Swamp.

What?

And we'll move into that little
shack back to Possum Ridge

with your maw and
paw and 17 sisters.

- You gotta be out of your skull.
- Now, my dear.

Drop dead. I'm
blowing this caper.

Hey, Emaline, I couldn't find a
glove to swat my Uncle Jed with,

but will you marry
me without a duel?

- Get lost.
- Hot dog!

Uncle Jed, she still loves me.

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

ELLY: This has been a
Filmways presentation.
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