05x08 - Jed In Politics

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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05x08 - Jed In Politics

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was sh**ting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is ♪
Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

You called me, Granny?

Yes, Elly. Guard my soap kettle.

I wanna go out front
and check the barricade.

- Yes'm, Granny.
- [COUGHS]

How dare them politicians
accuse me of creating smog.

What in the Sam Hill...?

Well, this wasn't here
when I left this morning.

Drop your g*n and reach
for the sky. Drop it and reach.

Will you tell me
what's going on here?

- Give the password.
- Tarnation, Granny...

That ain't it.

Enough of this foolishness.

Well, I had to make sure you
wasn't the enemy in disguise.

When you're feuding,
you can't be too careful.

Feuding? With who?

With the Beverly
Hills smog goomers.

And I didn't start it
either. Here, read that.

"You are hereby notified..."

It says when I make
soap in my kettle out back

that I am creating
a smog hazard.

"You will immediately cease..."

It says if I don't
stop making soap,

I'm gonna get arrested
by the smog commissioner.

"The violation of the above..."

When the Beverly Hills
say I can't make soap,

then I say it's time to fight.

Well, ain't you gonna read it?

Yeah, when my
eyeballs stop bouncing.

Jed, don't tear it down.

Talking, not sh**ting, is
the way to settle these things.

Jed, we can't let them
stop me from making soap.

Well, I aim to see about that.

Now, you tell Jethro to come out
here and help me take this down.

He can't. He's busy
making a feud...

Granny, have you got
that boy all steamed up

thinking there's
gonna be a feud?

I can't remember whether
I mentioned it to him or not.

JETHRO: Hey, take a
look at our feuding t*nk.

I guess I did mention it to him.

But, Jed, the right to make
soap is one of the four freedoms

and we can't let
it get tromped on.

Granny, there ain't
gonna be no feuding.

You just tromped on another one.

Hey, boy, lift this up.

- I can't.
- What do you mean, you can't?

Fooled you. Take a look.

I got levers hooked up
to the shift and the pedals

so that I can drive
and sh**t from in here.

What do you do about steering?

Oh, this here's a t*nk, Uncle Jed. It
ain't got none of them luxury extras.

- Come out of there, boy.
- Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Soon as I find the opening.

Jed, if I can't cook up my homemade
lye soap, I'd just as soon die.

Granny, I told you I was
gonna talk to somebody.

- Jethro?
- Uncle Jed.

JED: What is it, boy?

The steering weren't the
only luxury extra I forgot.

- What was the other one?
- The door.

- Are you sure?
- [BANGING]

JETHRO: Yes, sir, I'm sure.

I'll go around back
and fetch you a crowbar.

Jed, we don't need no t*nk.

Just one look at my shotgun and
that smog commissioner'll back right off.

Granny, go out in the kitchen and
get you a nice cool glass of buttermilk.

There ain't gonna be no feuding.

Granny, whilst I'm waiting, I'd sure
like a cold glass of that buttermilk.

Course, I'm gonna
need a extra-long straw.

- Looks like a barricade, Commissioner.
- Yes.

When Mrs. Drysdale filed the complaint,
she warned me to expect anything.

- I'd better handle the inspection.
- No, no, no, no.

There's an election coming up and
I'd better do a couple of these myself.

It's a rough one. It's a 402.

I know. "Open wood
fire with acrid fumes."

Well, I'm going out in it.

Wear this, Commissioner.
Don't be a hero.

Talk. Everybody knows that talking
comes after the fighting, not before it.

The smog goomers.

Uh, you might need
this fire extinguisher.

- Thank you.
- And, Commissioner... good luck.

That's the ugliest
varmint I ever did see.

Where's my shotgun?

[KNOCKING]

Come in, honey.

- Mr. Clampett?
- Ah-ha! Drop it!

[YELLS]

Ah!

That'll learn you to mess
around with the four freedoms.

[YELLS]

Get going. There's some
kind of an animal in that cage!

- Here comes a guy with a crowbar.
- Let's get out of here!

That's him, Jed. That's
the smog commissioner.

- Just a minute. I wanna talk to you...
- You won't get away with this!

He come up to me wearing a
mask and pointing this thing at me.

Looks like things
has got out of hand.

We better get right down
and talk to Mr. Drysdale.

DRYSDALE: Margaret,
what do you mean,

Tinsley's going to stop the
Clampetts from making soap?

I thought you contributed 500
dollars to his re-election campaign.

That's why he's doing it?

Miss Hathaway, get this jerk
Tinsley on the phone for me.

And when I stop him, I'll
be home and talk to you.

- Chief...
- Don't chief me. Get him on the phone!

Why, that cheap, double-crossing,
two-bit ward heeler.

But, chief...

Show me this Commissioner
Tinsley and I'll show you a fathead.

- I'm Commissioner Tinsley.
- And I'm a fathead.

- What's that?
- Oh.

Miss Hathaway was just showing
me how well you'd look in a mustache.

It's quite becoming.

- Erase this, Miss Hathaway.
- I'll come right to the point.

I understand J. D.
Clampett is a client of yours.

He certainly is. Oh,
I just remembered.

I have here a 600-dollar contribution
for your re-election campaign.

Well, now, that's very
public-spirited of you, Mr. Drysdale.

- Thank you very much.
- My pleasure.

Now, I'm sure you'll wanna
forget all about the Clampetts

and this silly soap making.

No, I won't.

What?

Not only are they contributing
to smog, but just a short time ago

I got chased out from
their house at gunpoint,

threatened with a crowbar
and grabbed by their pet gorilla.

Well, I admit they're not
much at entertaining...

Listen, Drysdale, if these people
don't cease all burning immediately

and destroy their
soap-making apparatus,

I'll make sure they're
thrown into jail.

- Wait a minute, Commissioner...
- That's all I gotta say. Goodbye.

What about my contribution?

Oh, say, thank you again.

Chief, the Clampetts are here.

Jed, there ain't no time
to sit around and jaw.

We gotta commence the att*ck.

I'm sorry to cause
all this ruckus,

but Granny here is
about to start a-feuding

with the whole
county of Beverly Hills.

BOTH: What?

They may have us
outnumbered, but we got a cause.

- The right to make soap!
- Now, wait.

If you'll just give me a chance to see
the commissioner again and bribe...

I mean discuss this, I'm sure...

Mr. Drysdale, nobody
hates feuding worse than I do.

I tried to talk to him, but he
wouldn't have no truck with me.

I don't know what to do.

He'll listen if our
shotguns do the talking.

Granny, Mr. Clampett, if I
may interpose a note of reason.

In a democratic society,
there are established ways

to redress our grievances
with public officials.

I already gave him 600 dollars.

I was referring
to the ballot box.

Mr. Tinsley is
running for re-election.

I suggest you participate
in the campaign

and attempt to defeat
him on election day.

You mean me run for
smog commissioner?

- Well, actually, I meant...
- We know what you meant.

It's Mr. Clampett's
civic duty to run.

And it's certainly better than
feuding, isn't it, Miss Hathaway?

Well, it ain't better, but at
least it's some kind of a fight.

Hold on, now.

I appreciate the thought,

but an old stump kicker like
me couldn't win no election.

Oh, nonsense.

Even if you don't win, you'll have
gotten your issue before the people.

Yes, the right to make soap.

Mr. Drysdale, I
don't think I ought to.

All right, then, let's go home

and gather up all the g*ns
and dynamite we can find.

I don't need an election
to get Tinsley out of office.

I'll blast him out! [YELLS]

You know, Mr. Drysdale,
on second thought,

maybe it'd be safer for everybody
if I did run for smog commissioner.

- Wonderful.
- [GRANNY YELLS]

Now I'd better run for Granny.

JETHRO: Uncle Jed!

Hey, Uncle Jed, I'm back, and
we got this election in the bag.

Now, take it easy.

The only reason I'm doing this

is to save Granny from Beverly
Hills and Beverly Hills from Granny.

But wait till you see what
I got for the campaign.

You're gonna be a shoo-in
whether you like it or not.

The only thing that matters is
keeping Granny's mind off her shotgun.

And thank goodness it
seems to be doing that.

Jed, I'm ready to go.

Granny, I thought we was
gonna win this feud with votes.

We are, but this is for them that
ain't got a clear view of the issues.

It stays here.

I'm getting my votes
like every other politician.

You mean we're gonna buy 'em?

No, but Jethro's got a dandy idea for
drawing a crowd, and we're gonna...

Uncle Jed, here's your campaign manager
with the posters, hot off the press.

Let's take a look.

"Jethro Bodine says
vote for Jed Clampett."

What kind of
election poster's that?

That's the only
picture I could find.

But ain't you kind of
tooting the wrong horn?

What d'you mean?

JED: Well, shouldn't
my name be at the top?

Oh, I got one of them too.

"Vote for Jed Clampett
for smog commiss."

"Jethro Bodine,
campaign manager."

Dumb old printer
run out of room.

Well, we'll save
these for later.

- What you got in the sack?
- Hamburgers.

Can't you get your mind off'n
food and onto this election?

JETHRO: Fooled you.

Ain't that something?

And under the meat is wrote,
"Jethro Bodine, campaign manager."

- You wanna see it?
- I don't think so.

Let's get downtown,
drum up some votes.

OK. I got everything we'll need.

Really, chief, don't
you think it's about time

you started going to a
barber shop for your haircuts?

What's wrong with this? I save
the 2.50 and give you the tip.

Yes, 15 cents.

Ah, don't forget the nickel I
give you for the shoeshine.

Leave the sideburns
a little longer this time.

I feel kind of sporty after solving
a major crisis like the Clampetts.

You have not solved it.

- You have merely postponed it.
- Oh, no.

By election day Granny
will be sick of the whole issue

and glad to forget about
blowing up the county building.

But what about Mr. Clampett?

He thinks he's running
for smog commissioner.

So they put up a poster or two. At
least they're staying out of trouble.

I think it's the wrong
way to handle the matter.

Miss Hathaway, I can't stand
a barber who talks all the time.

- Relax. It's a beautiful day.
- [MUSIC PLAYS]

There's a band concert in
the park across the street.

Wait a minute. What park?

What band?

Folks, neighbors...
Excuse me, Uncle Jed,

but that "folks and neighbors"
just ain't got no class.

You give me a little while,
I'll write you a real speech.

Mr. Clampett,
what are you doing?

We're campaigning, Mr. Drysdale.

Gee, I hope we didn't
interrupt your lunch.

- Boy, you sure must be a sloppy eater.
- Jethro.

We heard you playing
and came right down.

We're drumming up a crowd
so Jed can say his speech.

And it's heart-warming to see how
the people is ready to support me.

They are?

Why, every time we play, folks
try to drop money in my tambourine.

But we don't need it.

Jed stands ready to sink all of his
62 million dollars in this campaign.

All right, let's hit it.

We've got to get them off
the street. They'll be arrested.

Perhaps if you suggested
a campaign rally.

Good idea.

Mr. Clampett, you ought to
start your campaign with a rally,

you know, a speaker's
stand, flags, crowds, the works.

All right, Mr. Drysdale, if you don't
mind us stopping traffic along here.

- Oh, not here. At... At... At...
- At your house.

To show them you're a
homeowner and a family man.

- Yes.
- That sounds like a good idea.

I'm his campaign manager.

That might be fun at that.

Well, don't you worry
about it, Mr. Drysdale.

We'll take care of everything.

You just go back to your spaghetti or
whatever it was you was about to eat.

- ALL: Bye.
- No, no. This is...

Now, you run along.

There's ain't nothing
worse than cold spaghetti.

- When we gonna have a rally, Paw?
- This afternoon, Elly.

I'll get some sheets to
hang on the side of the t*nk,

I mean the truck, and
Jethro can print on 'em.

Elly can do that, Granny.

I just thought of a way to tell
the whole city about the rally

on one poster.

- One poster?
- Where you gonna put it?

Up there. I'm gonna skywrite it.

Hold this, Uncle Jed.

Writing in the sky?

I think the boy's been blowing
oompahs on this thing too long.

I don't think it's the
blowing so much, Granny,

as trying to get 'em heard
through these hamburgers.

Free hamburgers, everybody.

That's just dandy, child.

Well, I wanna be all done
before Paw gets back.

Elly, go on in the house.

Here comes the
smog commissioner.

- Well, I'll help you fight him.
- No, no, no. He's all alone.

Maybe I can talk
him into throwing...

I mean, conceding
the race a little early.

Well, if it ain't the nice
Commissioner Tinsley.

Now, see here, little lady...

Oh, I'm awful sorry
about this morning,

but I wanna talk to
you about the election.

That's why I've come
up to this zoo again.


I've heard that
Mr. Clampett is running

and I wanna tell him

that it hasn't changed my
position on soap making one bit.

Well, Jed's out back.

Well, then, you tell him,
he's wasting his time.

Oh, now, don't yell at Granny.

Oh, I'm sure you have a nice little
old mama just like me somewhere.

Hardly.

Your gorilla escaped.

Oh, no, that's Jethro, my
grand-nephew's invention.

He's a genius, you know.

Has a lot of levers
and such all rigged up

so he can drive
it from in there.

- Really?
- Take a look. It's fascinating.

Where does your dear old
mama live, Mr. Commissioner?

- Des Moines, Iowa.
- Oh, my.

And how long has it been since
you seen her dear, sweet face?

- Been over a year.
- Oh, that long.

How would you like
to take a trip to Ioway

and visit her till
after the election?

What?

Now, see here...

Jethro'll drive you
soon as he gets back.

Granny?

Granny.

Commissioner.

Why, Commissioner, what
were you doing in there?

Why, I ought to...

"Rally today."
So that's it, huh?

Thought you'd get some publicity
at my expense. Well, it won't work!

And as soon as I
defeat you at the polls,

I'll get the smog
control to raid this place.

Granny, you shouldn't
have done that.

It was for his dear, sweet mama.

She'd have been so happy.

Paw, Granny, look.

Jethro's putting
Paw's name in the sky.

Danged if he ain't writing
in the sky just like he said,

with a airplane trailing smoke.

[WHISTLES]

That's a poster you can't miss.

There's your name, Jed.

JED: J-E... ALL: T?

That cluck. He ain't never
gonna get to your name.

He'll be doing good if
he finishes the picture.

What do you see, chief?

Just some skywriting
plane spelling out J-E-T-H.

- Probably some new diet drink.
- Oh, let me see.

No, forget it. You've got a
big problem on your hands.

- I?
- Getting me out of the mess I'm in.

How could I know that Jed Clampett
was actually going to campaign?

Well, as long as he is,
why not try to shape him

into a somewhat
acceptable candidate?

Are you kidding? He's
not political material.

He's honest,
straightforward, trustworthy.

What kind of a politician
would that make?

And he has no sophistication.

He's just a rail splitter,
born in a log cabin.

Isn't his similarity
to Lincoln amazing?

Who?

The man on the five-dollar bill.

Oh, yeah, Lincoln.
What about him?

I was just saying that Mr. Clampett
has a great deal in common with him.

Yes, he has.

Say, I wonder if with
the right public relations...

- Oh, chief, I didn't mean to suggest...
- No, wait. You've hit on something.

We can play up the log cabin,
the rail splitting, the honesty bit.

- Oh, what a campaign.
- For smog commissioner?

That's only the beginning.

With this gimmick, there's
no telling how far he can go.

Mayor. State senate.

- Governor's mansion.
- Chief...

From there it's only a
hop to the White House.

Honest Jed Clampett,
President of the United States.

- Sit down.
- And I'll be right there beside him.

Secretary of the Treasury.

The mint as my playground.
A summer home at Fort Knox.

Chief, lie down. Let me put this
bag of silver dollars on your forehead.

Well, I reckon we better forget
about having the rally today.

Yeah, we ain't gonna get
no big crowds with that.

Jethro's lost without an eraser.

Don't nobody say nothing.

Now, hold on, boy.
You done your best.

Dumb old pilot, he weren't
no help spelling at all.

Couldn't draw neither.

Don't take it so hard.
We'll have that rally.

Yeah, but I was all
ready for it today.

Done got a speech wrote
up for you and everything.

Elly May, go in. See
can you cheer him up.

Yes, sir, Paw.

- Let's hear the speech, Jed.
- All right.

Looks like a dandy.

"Friends, Romans,
countrymen, lend me your ears."

Got a nice ring to it.

Yeah, the boy ain't much good at
drawing, but he sure can write good.

Read the part about
making my soap.

All right. Here it is.

"To make soap or not to
make soap, that is the question."

Well, doggies.

- Mr. President.
- Huh?

Chief, remember,
smog commissioner first.

Did you have your rally?

Well, we wanted to,
but nobody got the word.

- What happened?
- Them ain't thunderclouds up there.

But we're gonna have it.
Jethro'll be heartbroke if we don't.

Mr. Clampett, you're
going to be on television.

We've arranged for a
great debate with Tinsley.

Well, good. I got a
dandy speech here.

No, no, this is a debate, and I
know just how we can nail him.

I had him nailed in
the back of the truck.

What were you
saying, Mr. Drysdale?

Anti-smog devices.

During Commissioner
Tinsley's three years in office,

he failed to come up
with a single device

to eliminate contaminants
from automobile exhausts.

Well, I hope that ain't part of the
job. I couldn't build one neither.

- No, no, I meant...
- I bet Jethro could.

Yeah. I'm gonna put him on that.

He's a genius when it
comes to inventing things.

Good, good. Well, I'll pick
you up tomorrow for the debate.

Oh, and I have some
things in the car for you.

Help me, Miss Hathaway.

I hope you get to
say your speech.

So do I. Listen to this.

"Soap by any other name
would smell as sweet."

That's beautiful.

Jed, it's almost time
to go to the TV studio!

We're all ready to go.

Well, you've been
primping him long enough.

Granny, may I present

the next smog commissioner
of the county of Beverly Hills.

Ah, wonderful.

All we need now is a beard.

Mr. Drysdale, I don't
wanna wear this.

- [KNOCKING]
- I'll get it.

But you must. It's all
a part of the campaign.

- How do you do, Granny?
- [YELLS]

It's the smog goomer!
Everybody out back!

We gotta protect the soap,
keep the old fire burning!

- Now, hold on, Tinsley.
- What is this?

I just came over to offer Mr. Clampett
one last chance before the debate

to withdraw from the race.

Running scared, eh? Now that
you're up against Honest Jed.

I ain't gonna do it.

I don't care if it
costs me the election,

I can't try to be
somebody I ain't.

But, Uncle Jed, we got
the election in the bag.

I done invented a smog device
small enough to fit on any car.

- What?
- I ain't ever saw one that small.

- That's amazing.
- I tested it. It works.

This is without my device.

And this here is with it.

Filtered it completely.
What a breakthrough.

I'll pull the truck up front
and demonstrate it for you.

- We'll make a fortune.
- Now, wait, Mr. Drysdale.

If it's good for folks, we'll
wanna give it to the country.

- Give?
- Well, that's wonderful.

In return I'll allow
Granny to make her soap.

What are you talking about?

Mr. Clampett's gonna be
the new smog commissioner.

Oh, no, Mr. Drysdale.

If Mr. Tinsley will allow Granny to
make her soap, he's got my vote.

- No.
- I never cared about running no-how.

It's a deal, then.

OK, Mr. Tinsley, ready to
put my device on the truck.

You're a genius, building a
workable device this small.

Oh, the device weren't nothing.
The real problem was making the filter.

Filter?

- That's the filter?
- Yeah.

You ought to have seen it
before I got it down to size.

Great Scott.

And you ought to hear
the speech he wrote.

"Four score and
seven years ago..."

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

ELLY: This has been a
Filmways presentation.
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